Help and advice please

[Sophie-w]

When I was a young child I was small for my age and very shy .I felt that I didn't fit in with the boys or girls .When I got old enough to be left at home by myself , I would wear my mum's clothes ,I loved how they felt .
As time went by I got my own flat and started cross dressing .I then got a bit bolder and started going into different towns , but never close to where I lived for fear of seeing someone I new .I am a loner and have no friends , that doesn't bother me .In time I started to feel lonely , and decided to get a girlfriend .(I am not sexually attracted to men )
I met a wonderful woman , we have been together for 13 years , married for 6 years .I never told her about the cross dressing .I didn't dress for 7 years , as I never got the chance to .In 2002 we got married , my wife bought a shop , which meant she had to work on Saturday .So each Saturday I would dress ,my wife suspected nothing of this .
3 years ago we moved to Spain ,I thought a new start ,I got rid of all my female things .Last December my wife went back to the UK for 2 weeks ,a few days before this I had decided that I was going to buy a dress and shoes .As soon has I got home from work I would change into the dress ,I even spent the weekends in the dress .The second weekend I thought ,just 1 more week to dress , then thats it until next year .I broke down and spent the rest of the week crying .During this I started looking on Transgender sites , trying to get some answers I even looked at sex change sites .In my mind I had decided that I wanted to be a girl ,I am so confused .When my wife came home she know something was wrong , and kept asking me what was wrong .
The next day I devastated her world ,I broke down and blurted out that I wanted to be a girl ,I told her everything .She took this very badly .She has said that I can dress on Sunday , the last time she even came and sat with me .This week she bought me some tights , make up bag ,lacy knickers and a eye liner pencil .she feels that she has accepted this , but if I have a sex change that it .It has affected her health , she took a overdose and went into a coma , it was lucky that I went into the room where she was , when I did .The doctors said she was in a very bad way .She has been diagnosed with clinical depression and Dissoctive Identity Dissorder .
I really don't know what I want, I never thought about a sex change until that weekend .We have done a lot of talking over this , and some of the things my wife has said make sense , things I had not thought about .It is making me question what I want .I don't know why this happened ,I have a lovely wife who I love , we live in a lovely country ,I have a good job ,we don't have a mortgage or any debt , so why now I ask myself ?
I am going to see a Psychologist next month , all I want is a solution .
Has anybody else experienced anything like this .
Sophie

[Holly]

First of all, :welcom:. A lot seems to be happening rather quickly in your life right now. Maybe it's time to slow things down a bit to give yourself a chance to get some control back. It's kind of like when you first open a bottle of champagne... you pop the cork and all of a sudden the contents start to bubble out. As the internal pressure is relieved and you pour yourself a glass, you can then at that point begin to enjoy that which has been bottled up inside for so long.

Seeing a counselor next month is a great idea. Try and find one who is experienced in gender issues. If your wife is will and able to attend as well, that could be beneficial for her, too. S/he will be able to guide you in the thought process that will enable you (and your wife, hopefully) to understand yourself and clarify your vision of how you want to live your future life. Life can be overwhelming at times... take a deep breath and count to ten.

[Vieja]

Dear Sophie

This is really a too important and difficult subject to be dealt with by people with no training in psychology. you may receive a lot of well intentioned advice here but what you really need is professional help. I sincerely hope you find a good clinical psychologist who can bring peace of mind to both you and your poor wife.

Vieja

[TGMarla]

Hello Sophie. I think you need to back away from the brink and move a few steps closer to your wife. Clearly, she loves you dearly, and never imagined a life without you as her husband. That is a very valuable thing, dear, and not something to discard or handle lightly. Obviously, you love her, too, or you wouldn't be stewing like this. You have spent a lifetime dealing with transgender issues, as have I. But you spent only one weekend deciding you want to have a sex change. I, too, contemplated having SRS, but came to my conclusions that I would not pursue it only after many years of deeply considering it.

So now that you have your crisis out of the way, why not back off, bide your time, reconfirm your relationship, and put off any decisions that will permanently alter your life until you are better able to reason it out.

And be sure to tell your wife you love her. I think she might need it right now.

[carolinoakland]

Sophie, the one best piece of advice that you will get and I second is this, see a therapist, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. But you need some help, and it needs to be profesional. I second everyone's suggestion to concentrate on the wife right now. One of her issue's is going to be about feeling betrayed, that you aren't the person you lead her to believe. The other dificulty for her, and this is why you need to step up and be there for HER, is that she is now in the prison you just left by telling her. You don't have to hide in the closet, but she does, she can't turn to her family, girlfreinds, co workers, her normal support system. She's going to feel like you did, burdened and isolated. Seek help for you AND her, together and individually. Seek the love that has sustained you both and it will sustain you both through this too. Carol

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hi Sophie,

I can undserstand where you are in life. At times of us feel mixed up and out of control. We then begin to feel guilty obout what we're doing and how it's affecting our partners and friends. I think that most of us on this site have questioned our sexuality at times and have also wondered if we ought to consider SRS. We usually come back to earth and realise that we just want to be ourselves as we are wearing what we wish. Your story is typical on this site. Rest assured that most of us have been there. However, the situation with your wifes depression is serious and she rightly needs the counselling. Many CDers also end up having counselling and some find it helps but others find it usless as many councellers just don't understand enough about us. That's your choice, as we used to say "you pays your money and you takes your chance. I really do hope that you can both get through this, many of us live hand in hand with CDing and partners without any problems. Then again many on this site are living in the closet and rightfully or wrongfully deceiving their partners. I'm not qualified to give the right answer on this but I do know that in the end it will always come out and the longer that takes the more hurtfull it is for the partner. I'm lucky my partner is fully accepting and even is a member on this site "Katy Dee".
Best wishes for you both.
Have a look at the following web site you may find some solace.

http://www.renaissancesep.org/Home_Page.html
Half way down the page is Renaisance background papers.
I hope you find it interesting.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Sophie

At some time or other I am sure most of the members here have considered the possibility of changing sex. this is a decision not to be rushed. It can be all to easy to fall into the trap of wanting something which may not be right.
Going to see a prefessional is the right thing to do you can then have your particular situation evaluated in an objective way

I hope your wife also get all the support and help available from the medical community. Depression its not easy to deal with and it wont be a quick recovery either but it something that can be dealth with. I lot of communication will be needed between both of you to fully understand the situation

As to why and when this has suddenly caused you to come to the decision I dont know but sometimes its like a switch. You realise the light has come on and this is how is should be. Please make sure the decision is right before doing anything drastic

[Joanne f]

The others are right ,you need to slow down , and you are right fore questioning your self as to what you really want and i expect that you are to emotional at the moment to really know how you feel , your wife has let you do exactly what you want and that is like working in a chocolate factory ,you gorge on it until you are sick and then in a few weeks you just have a few at a time.
Your wife seams to have been trying to support you beyond what she was capable of maintaining so now your thoughts should be on helping her through what she is going through as i am sure that you are .
I hope that your wife gets well soon and that you get to know what you want

[Ruth]

SRS is major surgery and is irreversible. It is right for some but it is something you should approach with great caution and with full and prolonged discussion with those who are close to you emotionally. Usually you are expected to live full time as a female for a period of time before SRS.
What I am saying is you don't spring it on your wife out of the blue and expect her to nod her head and say "Yeah, go for it."
You need to throttle right back, look after her right now, and move slowly with the CDing. You will get where you need to be eventually.

[Ashlyee Paige]

Be there for you wife before anything right now, she must really love you and she deserves to be first right now! The OD with pills is too scary and she must be having a hard time handling it, I would see a therapist that deals with GID as soon as you can hopefully with both of you there, When things come to a head like that you need to hit the brakes hard and deal with your loved ones emotions first, I wouldnt provoke a conversation about GRS/SRS (what you call a sex change operation, but we wont address that right now) with her since that will probably not be the best for her right now and since its not even an option anytime in the near future for you as well. start with dealing with just the basics and just reaffirm to her how much you care about her and love her. You may have just discovered or rediscovered you feelings about thing but she JUST learned about it and may not know how to handle it and after coming back and hearing that alot is going thru her mind and is very confusing for her. You can always deal with the crossdressing issues later her heath is the most important thing first.

[Sophie-w]

Thanks for all the advice and input. We have started going out Saturday shopping with me in fem mode, for fem clothes.This was my wife's idea.At first I felt scared, and nervous ,has this was the first time I had been out during the day. We both bought clothes, my wife suggested that we go out that night, with me in fem. We both had a good night. I asked her how she felt, she said fine, it's like being out with a friend.So for the past few weeks that's what we have done.
My wife is still bad with depression. Last Friday my wife was on the computer, she has joined a few mental forums.I came in the room where she was, she was in a state and crying whilst posting .I read the post and asked what had started this off tonight. She said that she felt really desperate, and was having suicidal thought's . She said that she felt like she couldn't continue. She said that the psychologist had told her that at any time she felt bad to go to hospital. I asked her if she wanted to go, she said yes. I knew things must have been really bad has she packed some over night clothes, in case they kept her. We live in Spain, and my wife doesn't speak a lot of Spanish.When we got to the hospital, we were seen straight away. She told them everything about how she was feeling. She has been prescribed another anti depressant, as well has all her other medication. Because she has a drink at times , she is having to have 6 injections, and some type of vitamins. We didn't get home until 4-30am. My wife is not sleeping very well, even though she has a sleeping pill. The next morning she asked if we were going out, I told her no, has I was tired and thought it wouldn't do her any good. She put her arms around me, kissed me and said sorry for putting me through all of this.I told her she had nothing to be sorry for, it's me that's sorry for putting her through this.That night we did go out , me in fem mode.

[Sophie-w]

At last things are starting to happen this month. Tomorrow I am seeing a psychiatrist who deals with gender. Also this month I have an appointment with the endo, and blood tests, I will also be seeing the urologist. I know it will be months down the line before treatment starts. My wife has told me that she is scared and worried as to the effects this will have on me. We went out on Saturday night, and got talking to some people. Nothing odd happened, but I asked my wife if she thought I had been read. She told me no. I think the couple thought that we might have been in a lesbian relationship, has they never mentioned anything about our partners. My wife told me not to be silly, as we never mentioned anything about there partners. This week my wife has been showing me how to dance, I seem to loose the tempo. She said that I did well, and said that she would video me. so I could watch it back.

[linnea]

This seems to be very serious stuff, and I really don't know what to tell you except that I wish you and your wife and family well. I have not had this experience; I'm sure that it is difficult for everyone. Best wishes.

[sterling12]

I am making a guess, but your reply seems to indicate that your wife is having a lot of issues related to her depression. Your issue of transgender may be only one of many things.

Obviously, you and she need to work your way through therapy. Keep a close eye on her, show her that you care, and love her. The fact that she realized that she was "in trouble" with suicidal thoughts, and wanted to go to The Hospital is a very good sign. She is still capable of understanding her limits of endurance!

I would not try to stop your crossdressing for right now, you will find it to be difficult and perhaps impossible, especially with the current stress. At this time, it seems that your wife can accept this behavior. Just be very sure of her "limits," and do not push for more. Give her and yourself time to really consider everything.

Could your wife's depression have something to do with being in a foreign country where she doesn't speak the language, being separated from family and familiar surroundings...just one of possibly thousands of reason's?

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Sophie-w]

My wife was perfectly fine, until I blurted out that I wanted to be a girl. She loves the country, and the people, in fact she loves everything about Spain. I think that I went the wrong way telling her. This was when all of the depression started. She is due to see her psychologist next week.

[Sophie-w]

Today I went to see the psychiatrist, I took some photos of me dressed when we were on holiday. My wife said why are you taking them. I told her because I couldn't dress in fem mode. When we got to the hospital, the psychiatrist told her to wait outside. she said that she would go and wait at the maim door , so she could have a cig. The psychiatrist said that he would call her in later and to wait. He took some history , and explained about the hormones, and T blockers.
I went to get my wife, I knew that she had been crying. The psychiatrist was reading what I had wrote, then what my wife had wrote. I told her that he wanted to know what she felt about all of this. I told her that I had told him what she felt. My wife was crying and said that I didn't know how she felt. She said that it was sick, pathetic, play acting, and that on a Saturday night in the car she was sick of me repeating over and over, trying to get my voice right. The psychiatrist noticed that she was crying. He started talking to her, but it was all in Spanish, so she didn't understand any of it. He told me that it was to soon for my wife, to see the changes that hormones do and T blockers. My wife asked me if I had asked for Viagra, as I have a low sex drive. I told her no, has he said that some people can preform. My wife told me when we came out, that everything she has done this past 13years was for me, out of love, and she was on the back burner. She said that we are not making love. I was quite shocked at what she said, but it is right. She said that since Saturday, she had been feeling really down, but put a mask on for me. My next appointment is in 6 weeks time.

[Melanie R]

You are fortunate to have a wife who is attempting to accept and understand your need to express your femininity. You are also fortunate to live in a country, Spain, that has a law preventing discimination of transgendered persons. I was fortunate to have dinner in 2004 with the two transgendered post-opt women who were responsible for the transgender advocacy in Spain. In your country you can live as a female 24/7 without having the surgery.

[Ruth]

Sophie, I know this is a support forum, but I have to say it seems you are acting totally selfishly. Your wife seems to be falling apart but you are marching on with your gender reassignment regardless.
Can it not possibly wait while you attend to your wife's needs?

[yvonne10]

i think you are an idiot you have everything and you are going to loose the lot .your wife will let you crossdress you have the best life that i could only dream of

[katiej]

My advice to you is not to take any rash steps regarding sex change, unless you really look like a girl. Someone said that SRS is not reversible and you don't want to look like a freak. I speak with some authority, because thankfully I look like a girl when I am dressed and made up. But I would not recommend the female lifestyle, because it is harder than it looks. I urge you to be very careful.

[Nattastic]

I've gone through the same range of emotions, desires, confusion, depression, etc. I have no better understanding as to how or why this comes on so strong, but fact remains - it does. I've never felt so much bliss and so much hurt at the same time over the same thing no less!! I understand completely as I had a similar break down a few years back, told those closest to me, much like you did.

Of course I cant say with any certainty whats right for you, I can tell you how I dealt with it all though. I made a choice. A very logical choice. I looked at my life, and imagined its unfolding as living as a woman... set the blissful feelings aside and really give it a hard look. Write down all the pitfalls, all the hardships, the problems, the parts you arent so pleased with, its amazing just how long this list will go on for... feel the feelings that living like this will inflict upon you... imagine losing your wife, where you'll go from there... the fact you are not attracted to men... you will create so much crap in your life you'll wonder how you ever talked yourself into this! Realize, that many that takes the steps you are considering commit suicide.

You arent a good candidate for this. The fact that you can get on with your life for years without practicing your feminine side is partial evidence of such. The problem is you repressed it for so long when you didnt really want to.. you talked to nobody about it... your feelings never changed... and you are ready to burst now having felt the joy of picking it up again, and like we all do, you're going too far.

You have a good life! Focus on that.. I mean really feel the gratitude, feel blessed, feel in control - and you will be. I know its hard right now.. beleive me, but seems to me you are maybe bored with your life right now... maybe its a sence that something is missing... whatever it is, however you proceed, tread carefully... its amazing how blinded by this we can truely become.

Having said all that, maybe going forth with SRS is really the right thing for you! I nor nobody has all the answers... but you dont yet either. You need to be honest with yourself - and set out to discover what it is you are going to do with the rest of your life! If you get SRS you will become attracted to men. Are you prepared for that? Or is all just fun and warm feelings when you daydream about being a woman physically.

I suggest you take your wife on vacation. Get away to a beach someplace nice and have zero plans. Just relax, talk, relate, cry together... smile and love each other... tell her your feelings and fears, and put the idea of SRS out of your head by accosiacting it with pain and heartache essentially... turn your focus to appreciating what you have now.. you can still feel like a woman when the urge strikes - be grateful your wife is somewhat accepting! Just dont push that accepting to the limits... women dont really deal with it too well for the most part - realize she is being strong for you. Be grateful for what you have and dont go throwing it all away - when you werent really ready or wanting to.

Find a professional that is well versed in gender identity disorders or you will be wasting your time.

Best wishes to you in this difficult time

warm hugs

[paulaN]

Put the hormones and T blockers on the shelf. Deal with your wife as best you can. Give yourself time to figure all this out. Months not days. Good luck

[Sophie-w]

Thank you for all the advice.The day that I went to see the psychiatrist. I was annoyed that I have to wait 6 weeks, and by what my wife said. That night we were going out. When I got back from work, my wife was ready. After I had eaten, she asked if I was going to get changed, I told her no. She said ,so your going out looking scruffy, at least I have my pride. We drove in silence, and got to the bar. I never spoke, my wife said , the trouble with you is truth hurts, start living in the real world. I told her to stop having a go at me. She told me that I can't blame her for what happened today, and perhaps when the psychiatrist saw what she had wrote, he decided to see me in 6 weeks time. She said that if I had got a prescription on the first visit, he should be struck off. I still sat in silence. My wife started crying, told me to pay as we were going home, we had only been out 30mins. When we got back she said that she needed to go to hospital, she packed some over night things and off we went. She went in to see the psychiatrist on her own. She told them that she had suicidal thoughts, and was thinking of ways to hurt herself. I was then called in, we spoke in Spanish. The psychiatrist said that they would keep her in over night, if she wanted to, my wife said that she did. I then knew how bad she was feeling, has she only speaks a bit of Spanish. She was not allowed any personal belongings, and 1 phone call. It is a high security unit, I told them I would pick her up at 8-30pm. I left all her medication. The next day she phoned me, I could hardly tell what she was saying has she was crying. I told her that I would pick her up at night, and to just hang on in there.
I got there for 8-30, at 10-30 they let me see my wife, we then had to wait to see the psychiatrist. She told me that they never gave her any medication, she had a bad headache and asked for something for it, she was given nothing. Once the psychiatrist was sure that she would not hurt herself she was allowed home. I was just glad to have her back.
_________________

[KateC]

FYI:

http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=5969&st=40

Look at the posts, this person is either impersonating his wife or her husband, one or the other. The posts are identical except for the pronouns of his her, he she, husband, wife, I etc.

[stephaniedoes]

i think what you need to do is what many here have said, put it up for now. take care of your relationship then after sometime talk about it with her. i have been wanting to have a sex change my whole life but how i look at it is i will have my way in my next life and i will take what i have for now. if you need to see a doctor, many of us here should but this isnt the case, she is the one that tried to end all over a seemingly small issue, not small small but not worth ending ones life over, i would have to say and im doing it with kitty gloves she has already had issues and you may have just been the straw.. i dont think srs is the way for you now, like you i to have shelved it and ofcourse like any other inner desire it came back, it has nothing to do with what you have between your legs but completly what you feel inside.. i truly do hope god shows both of you the path that you need to be on but please for your own sake if not for others, you must slow down.. alotcame out of your short time alone but figuring out yourself in a sane and safe manner is very important because this is a delicate issue.. take care hun.... steph...

[KateC]

No one notices the exact same dialogue but just writing as the girl or guy? Something is fishy with this...

[Sophie-w]

No one notices the exact same dialogue but just writing as the girl or guy? Something is fishy with this...

KateC, you have a very suspicious mind. My wife has joined Lauras Playground, for partners, are you trying to make something out of nothing, or trying to make trouble, I wonder.