Who among you started out thinking you were only a CD? [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Violetgray

03-01-2009, 02:52 AM

AmandaM

03-01-2009, 02:08 PM

I'd like to know too. And I have a TS friend who said the same thing.

Lisa Golightly

03-01-2009, 02:18 PM

carolinoakland

03-01-2009, 02:34 PM

I second lisa, hi sweetie, I think that the cd'ing was a crutch. I realized that the going back and forth between the two identities was starting to feel schitozophrenic. I didn't have two identities, I was the same one inside. Bit by bit I spent more time in my preferred gender presentation, until one day i ditched the wigs and that's when my female gender stopped being a costume, disguise. or alter ego. And that's when I knew that I'd crossed the line from cd to ts. I used to be scared as a crossdressed male, now that I know I'm a (trans)woman I am not scared of being me and living in the world full time. I've probably been clear as mud. I will say that I do get a little upset when I hear a TS disrespect a CD'er as not being a "real" woman like a TS, every TS I ever met has started out as a CD. Pot calling the kettle black in my opinion. Carol

LaurenS.

03-01-2009, 03:08 PM

We all know we all share similar stories. But yet we're all not the same. I've been a CD all my life and until only several years ago KNEW I would always be a CD. I was happy expressing my feminine side when my femininity came out in me. Now it's the only feeling I know. I now know I'm TS and am on the road to transition. Being a woman is all I can think about and everything I want. Many of us knew we were women from childhood. Many of us felt "trapped in a man's body". I never felt that way until recently. Thus is makes it more difficult for my wfe to understand how this could happen like this and why didn't I feel this way all my life. While most all of us crossdressed throughout our lives, some of us were CD's and others did so because we were TS at an early age. I've given up trying to figure out the why's and am trying to concentrate on what the future holds for me.
Lady in waiting.....
Lauren:daydreaming:

terrinoble

03-01-2009, 03:14 PM

That's me. I thought that a cd was all I ever was... but I had my epiphany and realized, it's deeper than that.

StaceyJane

03-01-2009, 03:27 PM

I always knew that I wanted to be female. It has taken me a long time time to accept that. Before that I did just think that putting on women's clothes would be enough but I know now it isn't.

Karen564

03-01-2009, 04:31 PM

If I go way back to my very early childhood, I always knew I was supposed to be a girl, and when I discovered Moms closet and draws full of goodies, I didn't even know it was called cross dressing then, it was just stuff that felt right for me to wear, when I got caught I swiftly found out that was a very bad thing to do.. boys just dont wear girl clothes..right??

Yeah right, 3+ years on HRT now, after 40+ years of denial, and should of done it a long time ago.

Karen

Anna the Dub

03-01-2009, 04:33 PM

I'd always thought that the erotic aspect was the primary difference between crossdressers and transsexuals. I thought that if crossdressing was what got you off then you were a transvestite, but if you just feel as if you are in the wrong body then you are a transsexual.

I always thought this too, which is probably why I had always identified as a CD. But even as a teenager, I secretly felt, but refused to confront, that the clothes just weren't enough, that I wanted and needed to go further. It was all turned inwards with me, nobody knew about me at all, and I was miserable and emotionally unstable. In short I was a statistic waiting to happen. When I finally did come out to a very dear friend, she accepted me totally, and asked me the questions that I had refused to ask myself. She persuaded me to get some therapy, and promised me that she would be support me wherever the path took me. So, here I am now, building up to transition, on hormones, post orchidectomy and feeling as if I am finally going in the right direction. So, I know that my earlier assumptions were incorrect, as it is plain to me that I am not a transvestite.

Kimberly Marie Kelly

03-01-2009, 08:10 PM

I'm definitely on that continuum between being CD and TS, my feelings closer to TS at this point in my life. As many of you have mentioned I'm finding that simply dressing on the weekends isn't good enough. I've started dressing with feminine cloths and make up at work as that is how I want to be seen and I feel comfortable. I'm seeking counseling to sort thru my feelings and I'm going to ask for HRT therapy as I want to go further. :battingeyelashes:

Kaitlyn Michele

03-01-2009, 08:48 PM

wow...lots of great replies....i have found in talking about this with some friends that they were uncomfortable with this subject..but not here...that's great...

i too thought that by crossdressing, i was therefore a crossdresser, and everything was a big fantasy..

it didnt work out that way at all for me so i can relate to lots of these posts.

marie354

03-02-2009, 09:40 AM

For years I thought I was just a TV with a weird dream of waking up one day as a woman.
I accepted this as a dream until a few years ago when I found this site and began asking questions. (Lots of them at first.)
I've since realized that it was up to me to do what was right for myself, so I decided to go forth with my dream. Now I'm out and living as a woman 24-7 and loving every minute of it.

So I'd guess you could say I'm in transition.
I intend to spend the rest of my life this way.

Cissy Chiana

03-02-2009, 01:22 PM

I knew I was born different when I was 4 people were telling me I wasn't a girl but I was convinced I was, but to cut a long story short (mainly to do with my fear of rejection & abandonment) I didn't tell anyone for years, until after my third suicide attempt i tried to get help and after pouring my heart about about I was convinced I should have been a girl from birth, I wanted to live as a woman now and for the rest of my life and how not being myself was messing up my life because i could be the real me to deal with other issues. The shrink I decided that i wasn't really transgendered and gave me a gender dysphoria booklet and said this is what really trans people go through and it was exactly what I'd been trying to tell him my life was like, the booklet may have been called this is your life! So that dented my confidence for a long time and I started to think maybe he's right, maybe he's seen something that I missed, maybe I'm not really transgendered, so I tried going through everything one by one, am I turned on by wearing women's clothes? no. Do I just want to dress as a woman occassionally and be a guy the rest of the time, it's not really about the clothes, it's about me, I want to be a woman full time, the clothes can go either way, so I'm back to where I started. I am a transwoman and now I need to work out what to do about it. I'm over 10 years older than before, yeah I do have small breasts after taking hormones for three years via self medication over the internet, I've read that they can use that against me, which is why I've stopped ordering them, plus they could be a dodgy batch, which is something else I've found out about. So I'm caught between two choices: coming out and starting to transition or suffering even worse with my mental health and inability to cope with life as not being a woman and ending up on some sort of medication.

Chelseaswpa

03-02-2009, 01:53 PM

Niya W

03-02-2009, 01:57 PM

When I first started coming out people just knew I was going going transition. I was often accused of being on hormones. Soft skin no facial hair. When I first started doing electrolysis when the lady asked me how far am I going to go. I was I'm just a CD.

Few years later I have changed . Of course the funniest thing is six months in to I went to Seattle to see how far I could take it. Being Niya .

Maddie22

03-02-2009, 08:17 PM

I remember when I was younger watching the Mary Tyler Moore show (I think so at least) and she was doing a skit where she was an ex High School Football Star QB. Well she came back to her High School Reunion as a woman who had a sex change operation. I asked my sister ( I was probably around 9 or so) if that was possible. She said yes, and I just thought to myself that I can't wait untill I can do that.

Things have changed over the years, and I feel the same way, but I don't know if I could have the life I want as a Post-Op. Could I still have a successfull career and be fairly accepted as a 6'6'' post-op? And of course my family? How would they react??

Can I meet myself half way and say that just CDing part time will sufice? I don't know, I'm still trying to figure this out, with out a lot of support as well, or enough time or oppertunity to really live as a woman for an extended period of time.

I have decided to a point there are certain steps I'd like to take to be able to get to a point where I can decide with out making permanent decisions. Getting my figure to be a little more femme, and getting electrolisis. Also growing my hair out and moving to a bigger city that is more liberal where I can meet others more easily.

Graduating from college and getting a higher paying job to help set off costs is another goal.

emily_21

03-02-2009, 09:00 PM

I've always wondered what it would be like to be female from an early age; I never fetishized any female clothing. It is mentally satisfiying for me.

Sejd

03-06-2009, 01:15 AM

I think you bring up a really good question. For me the CD thing was an entry into who I am today. Sejd. I really don't want to live as a man again ever in my life, and I just love living as a woman. You bring up the question about hormones, I think it is a part of becoming fully a TG woman, but it is a very difficult question which I think is closely connected to working with a sexologist or a TG therapist for sure.
Good luck
Sejd

kellycan27

03-27-2009, 11:55 PM

The one and only thing that I was sure of was that I wasn't meant to be a boy. I didn't know why, only that it was so. Was I a crossdresser? Yes, but not m2f more like f2m

Trudyann

03-28-2009, 06:25 PM

I wanted to dress as a girl at about 6 or 7 years old. Don't know why. I think I subconsiously thought I could become a girl by putting on a dress. I think at one point I may have been told I could not become a girl, but the desire to dress as one never went away. Over the years I tried to look at life realisticly thinking I could never become female, but dressing became an outlet for my feelings. In recent years as I learned about transgender issuess, the more I became facinated with the subject. The more I learned of hormons and what they could do, the more I wanted to take them. I can't wait now. Trudyann

Carole Cross

03-28-2009, 06:38 PM

I have wanted to transition ever since I found it was possible at the age of twelve.The only problem was the way my body developed into a masculine shape. I intially tried to live as a guy and forget about dressing and it would go away.After about seven years I realised that it wasn't going to o away and I thought if I bought a few clothes I could dress up in private and control it that way. This worked for a while but then the desire to go out just grew and grew but U was still to scared and became frustrated and depressed. In the end it just got too much and after my cousin died, I decided that I couldn't pretend anymore and live as my true self, resulting in coming out to my family today.

marla01

03-28-2009, 09:30 PM

Hello all,

How many here, who are either full-time, mid transition, or post-op, started out as believing that you were a cd? Around when did you realize that you wanted to go farther?

I ask because things that I'd taken for granted as the truth I find now that I must re-examine.

I'd always thought that the erotic aspect was the primary difference between crossdressers and transsexuals. I thought that if crossdressing was what got you off then you were a transvestite, but if you just feel as if you are in the wrong body then you are a transsexual. But I have a friend who used to masturbate while wearing women's undergarments and fantasize about being a woman but now lives as a woman full-time, is on hormones and has never looked back. Is there anyone else here that fits that mold?

Throw away the mold :-)

I would like to step away from your question a bit and address some assumptions you seem to have in the question. In other words, I'd actually suggest stepping back a bit further and not assume that there is an either or dichotomy here.

It seemed that in your question you implied that you believe there are only two possible groupings consisting of 1) an individual who gets erotic pleasure from crossdressing or 2) an individual who physically changes the sex of their bodies.

I would suggest these two groups are not inclusive of of all categories of being transgendered, but instead are two very small categories in a huge spectrum of motives, identities and life decisions.

For example, consider my own person. Yes, I started thinking I was a CD. But as I explored my own person and who I was, I realized that I was neither CD nor transsexual. For one thing, I discovered my physical sex had nothing to do with my gender identity and life. For another, I found that my soul seemed to embrace both the masculine and the feminine. In other words, I discovered I am both man AND woman. I live my life that way, moving freely and comfortably between the two genders. And it gives me a freedom that allows my soul to fly.

I'm not suggesting that this is something similar to your own feelings and needs, but I am suggesting that this CD vs. transsexual paradigm is way too limiting. Discover your own self and find your own unique gender life to live.

Marla

Byanca

03-28-2009, 10:53 PM

And it gives me a freedom that allows my soul to fly.
That was a beautiful way to put it.

I mostly feel alien. Here is something I wrote on another forum. Although I suspect I am slightly ts.

Thanks.

Yes, I must see someone. My mother made me a choice when I was about 16, it was either the shrink or a healer, that I knew(and she beleaved in). I was very afraid of psychologists, so of course I took the healer. She put her hands on my head for a long time, and said that now I was okay.

I was just thinking what a fool, but it was the easy way out. Now I am 31, I remember clearly when I was 15 that I was thinking how this was going to be when I was 30. It is worse then I had hoped.

I did okay for a while, got through a university degree as well. But since I've loocked myself out. I applied for several jobs. It was all male dominated, so I could never bring myself to go to the interviews. My dressing has been constant, and the same as long as I can remember. But the more I look into it, the more I can see the irrationality we are living in, so I care less and less. It's not real at all.

These days I stay inside almost the whole time, just take a walk or drive to take pictures now and then, and dont have much contact with the outside world. Only in a sport(flying without engine, btw-where I excel, and people actually look up to my skills and understanding of things work in the air, the things you can not see). But even that, that is my only joy in life, I am not so motivated anymore. And that is bad, because it is very healty, since it brings excersise, fresh air. And when I am all alone up in the air, or the clouds with wild mountains around, that is the only times I truly feel alive.

So essence I feel like I dont exist, while on earth. So whatever I do it does not matter. Because it is not real, it's just a lousy joke.

I dont know, my only earliest memories is trying my mothers clothes. Almost all memories I have from 5-10 is from gender related issues. Nothing concrete, like happy moments and so on that other people seem to have.

I sent a mail to the lokals here just before the weekend, they said I could come on monday. That it was on high time I talked to someone. I've sent them mail before also.

I'm considering starting on school again to the fall, something different, and start over. The engineering stuff, does not hold much fascination for me anymore. I'm kind of tired of this male thing altogether.

So regarding the wigs and make up and so on. I guess what I try to say, is that this whole thing is a mental thing for me. I guess I dont identify with females either, because I know I can never be one. But I do think my mind is female, at least more on the female side, since I've alays thought guys are weird in the guy things. My body is more like something I drag with me. Like if in a accident if I lost my penis, it wouldn't bother me at all. I've always thought it to be a strange think, and always tried to not look at it. All the way from I was small I thought it was just something everyone had for pissing. But I am very good at ignoring things, so think I am okay. Dont mind staying isolated either.

My guess is that a sex change wouldn't change anything. I think probably I'm just ****ed up, and using this as an excuse to not interfere in the world. Instead of female I think I should have been a bird. Probably I am a bird stuck in a human body.

Am I insane?

Violetgray

03-29-2009, 07:04 AM

Throw away the mold :-)

I would like to step away from your question a bit and address some assumptions you seem to have in the question. In other words, I'd actually suggest stepping back a bit further and not assume that there is an either or dichotomy here.

It seemed that in your question you implied that you believe there are only two possible groupings consisting of 1) an individual who gets erotic pleasure from crossdressing or 2) an individual who physically changes the sex of their bodies.

I would suggest these two groups are not inclusive of of all categories of being transgendered, but instead are two very small categories in a huge spectrum of motives, identities and life decisions.

For example, consider my own person. Yes, I started thinking I was a CD. But as I explored my own person and who I was, I realized that I was neither CD nor transsexual. For one thing, I discovered my physical sex had nothing to do with my gender identity and life. For another, I found that my soul seemed to embrace both the masculine and the feminine. In other words, I discovered I am both man AND woman. I live my life that way, moving freely and comfortably between the two genders. And it gives me a freedom that allows my soul to fly.

I'm not suggesting that this is something similar to your own feelings and needs, but I am suggesting that this CD vs. transsexual paradigm is way too limiting. Discover your own self and find your own unique gender life to live.

Marla

Thank you for your answer, but I think that you misunderstand me.

I'm aware that there's a grand spectrum as far as gender identities, but my question was aimed specifically at people who are making the effort to transition.

Rather than ask a question based on mistaken assumptions, the intent was to judge my own assumptions by asking the question. I was asking for evidence that these assumptions are not true. If identifying as both works for you that's great, but very few people in transition would like to be recognized as such, they would prefer to be female. It is the perspective of those who are making an effort to transform their bodies that I was attempting to gain.

Hope that clears it up a bit! :-)

melissacd

03-29-2009, 09:05 AM

This is a very relevant thread for me and I really appreciate all of the insights that others have provided.

I must say that I feel like Marla in the sense that the question did feel like it was creating a sort of polarization.

First of all I have always felt like me, not male nor female specifically because I am not sure what that really means, just me in all of the complexities that a life in this world creates.

Now I have never felt the compelling need to change my biological configuration, in essence I can be naked and stare at my male body and not have any issue with what I see.

On the other hand, whenever I have worn male clothing I have always felt I was dressed incorrectly. From a mental perspective I have always gravitated towards feminine things, I still do.

In this world of ours today there is very little that a woman can do that would not be considered okay and not characterize her as anything other than a woman. The same cannot be said for men.

If a woman enjoys sewing and fashion and at the same time enjoys working in the woodshop or working on cars that is considered perfectly fine and acceptable. If a man wants to spend time learning about fashion and makeup or wants to wear pinks and big hoop or dangly earrings, he is considered an oddity or a freak or gay or flamboyant.

I struggle with this everyday, I identify as male from a biological standpoint and yet in so many other ways I want to express in ways that are considered feminine. I want to wear the bracelets, earrings, makeup, skirts, hosiery, do my hair, have feminine things in the decor of my home, shop in women's stores, read women's magazines and so on. I also enjoy all of the things that I did and were considered okay as a male.

I have often wondered if it would be easier if I just transitioned, if I took the hormones and had the SRS surgery and just got it over with, then at least people might think that I was okay.

This middle ground seems a tough pitch to hoe. It does not fit within the norm and so is always held at a distance by those not open minded enough to appreciate the full spectrum of open and honest human expression (which unfortunately is most people).

It is not that I have not had great successes in being within the public community dressed femme, but there is always that underlying sense of something is not right with this person.

I know that the answer to this is not hormones and SRS. in my opinion I cannot be any more a transexual than I can be a non-crossdressing male, both states are not me. It just seems that there is no state that I can find where I fit in.

I feel happiest as a male in female clothing. That is my sense of normal. I feel that I do a pretty good job of it, but it has taken a great deal of time, pain and practice to become me. Being me continues to cost me and be painful. We do not live in a society that makes it easy to just be ourselves, however the chips may fall. We have to develop great emotional coping skills and very thick skins because there is no getting around that we are riding against the current and there will be many challenges and many losses along the way. On the other hand the cost of not doing this is greater, we lose our soul.

Huggs
Melissa

Beth-Lock

04-01-2009, 02:08 PM

I started out thinking I was a transvestite, when that was how it was framed in books in the mid-1960's. Society moves on and so did we.
Recently, I realized it was different than that, though whether it has always been, is hard to say. I could relate to the meaning of the term cross-dresser, though I did not care for the words.
Now, it appears that the real goal of my cross-dressing was to live as a woman as much as I pleased. That might well be all the time, so I have been going 99.9% 24/7 now.
How much of this is a change in me and how much is it a change in the times? That is an interesting question too.

Perhaps this question is behind some of the analysis of others, including MelissaCD, who said, the middle ground is a tough area to inhabit. So, where we position ourselves, to feel comfortable, depends a lot on how comfortable society makes and defines the options. Perhaps we are trying to stretch ourselves around, to fit these options, in a way that may obscure our real nature and dynamics of longing.

Raquel June

04-02-2009, 09:32 PM

Let me answer this out of order.

I'd always thought that the erotic aspect was the primary difference between crossdressers and transsexuals. I thought that if crossdressing was what got you off then you were a transvestite, but if you just feel as if you are in the wrong body then you are a transsexual.

There is certainly a group of crossdressers for whom it is purely sexual. I think it's pretty creepy. Honestly, how do they belong in the same forum with other CD/TG/TS people? It's just a sexual fetish, and there might as well be BDSM and a watersports subforums here if we're going to make it about sexual fetishes.

But, Violet, you don't identify as TS. You identify as a crossdresser. Is it really purely sexual for you? You're absolutely gorgeous, and I seriously doubt you could do that cool juggling thing you do en femme if you had a massive erection ... although, now that I think of it, it is kinda sensual...

But I have a friend who used to masturbate while wearing women's undergarments and fantasize about being a woman but now lives as a woman full-time, is on hormones and has never looked back. Is there anyone else here that fits that mold?

Testosterone is a hell of a hormone. It does crazy things to people. I'll bet most TS people got a little loopy during puberty.

Thinking back to when I was 3 years old, I can understand why my dad was so concerned that I was gay. He had a bunch of cool stuff around the house. Not once did I sneak into the closet and put on his flight suit or the jet fighter helmet with the oxygen mask, but I snuck in and put on my mom's clothes until he told me I would be lying in the corner bleeding if I ever went in their bedroom again.

I know it didn't start as a sexual thing, but around 11 or 12 I realized there was pretty much no chance of God actually turning me into a girl just because I kept asking, so what could I do? I was a guy and I was always going to be a guy. I started masturbating pretty much constantly. People have enough guilt issues surrounding their sexuality ... but I felt extra guilty that I was fantasizing about being a girl all the time. I didn't really crossdress very often, but a few times when my girlfriend was out of town I did. And it turned sexual like anything else. It made me feel guilty. It made me feel like a pervert. But putting on her silky camisole and panties made me drift off into a fantasy where I was beautiful... I think the sexual component of wearing women's clothes is what actually kept me from crossdressing more than anything, though, till I developed a real curiosity for transsexuality when I was in my mid-20s, but as much as I wanted to be TS, I saw that as a bit of an impossibility, too. Then one day when I was 30 I just decided that I really wanted to guy buy some clothes. I never liked the word crossdresser, but I considered myself one for a little bit because it took me a long time to see transitioning as a real possibility.

So yes, I used to masturbate while wearing women's undergarments and fantasize about being a woman, and now I am transitioning and am on hormones.

How many here, who are either full-time, mid transition, or post-op, started out as believing that you were a cd? Around when did you realize that you wanted to go farther?

I don't know many people who started out believing that they were crossdressers, but I think many of us went through a phase of denying or not understanding our real feelings and thinking that we were in fact crossdressers who probably wouldn't be able to take it much further.

Even when I considered myself a CD, though, I knew I was different from other CDs -- especially the ones I met in clubs.

Jessinthesprings

04-02-2009, 09:48 PM

I think crossdressing was a way of denying my transsexuality in all honesty. I just wasn't ready to admit the things I thought about... So clothes became this prop to hide behind as were my photographs... Which is why I stopped doing them at the start of hormones (Though I've been convinced by someone special that I should do some more...) I thought I could dress up and that would be enough... but truth be told it just wasn't the cure I hoped.

Lisa x

Pretty much that's the same for me. I think in a way always knew, but I convenced myself that I'm just a CD so that is not as bad. Along the way to accepting myself what I was wearing became less important. I wear women's clothes not because I want to be a woman but because they are pretty.

robyn1114

04-02-2009, 10:33 PM

I completely agree with Lisa and Jess. I wish I could just be a CD it would be so much easier then being TS and having to hide myself in this male facade.

Donnadcd

04-02-2009, 10:44 PM

I've known since i was 5 years old that i wanted to transition. been supressing the urge all these years, and now i just wish i could do it once and for all. i really don't really dress - since i am just waiting to do it all the way.

not really sure when (or if) it'll happen.

Raquel June

04-02-2009, 11:14 PM

... I thought I could dress up and that would be enough... but truth be told it just wasn't the cure I hoped.

This is the only thing that ever gives me doubts...

I wish I wasn't TS. And I have been diagnosed with "social dysphoria" (that is, just not fitting into society and having trouble with daily activities). Sometimes I worry that I'll never feel right... If crossdressing isn't the cure... then maybe HRT isn't the cure... then maybe SRS isn't the cure...

At some point we just have to learn to be comfortable with ourselves. I know I'd rather be a woman, so it's not about having any regrets, but I just want to be happy with myself...

helenr

04-03-2009, 10:44 PM

The comments and clarification indicate how complex this topic is! I don't have a great deal to add, but want to point out that for some-I am 62- there is a bit of concern that life will be over and never have the opportunity to reveal what it is inside us! Anti androgens and estrogen have been very mentally comforting. Yes, some physical changes as others know, but that wasn't solely my goal. I know I can only dress in private, but I welcome my little girls on my chest as some affirmation that I can express my female side. The brats are quiet and well behavied. I would like them gone, but that gets tricky with costly visits to the pysch,etc.

Byanca

04-03-2009, 11:43 PM

For me it is more like, I dont want to use male clothes. Like a suit-i've only used suit 2-3 times- and I feel like a total freak.

I think it is natural that there is a certain focus on clothes. Since that is the first thing you see when you see other people. So if you identify with that person you will make that connection next time you see something that reminds you.

CrossGirl

04-04-2009, 12:26 AM

I started out CDing, and as time came to pass I realized that I wanted more. Not just the clothes, I wanted it all.

kristyk

04-04-2009, 10:10 AM

I rememeber in high school wanting so bad to be a teen age girl they really had a lot of fun, and I missed that experience in my life which I have never been happy about. I came from a very strict catholic gradeschool in Cincinnati Ohio seeing high school girls being able to socializing and dress in many different styles and seeing how they loved the attention of the guys really was my first experience being overwhelmed by notion I really wanted to chnage my sex and become a woman. I knew I was not like other boys and the only term I new then was transvestite which the term just curled my skin at the time. Then I started seeing a therapist in my early to late 20s we dicussed my life from when I was about 7 years old to present I came to realize why I am the way I am it was like a light bulb went off and everything just made sense. For so many years growing up I could just blow up on a family memeber or just be in a quiet mode for days.

Since I now think of myself as a women even though I have a long way to go to becoming something close to one I give myself the pleasure of being a woman any chance I get and all I can say is life is much better than what it has been to me in years past.

KristyK
:battingeyelashes:

msginaadoll

04-04-2009, 02:29 PM

Wow this is a very deep question. In some ways I was happy to feel that I was just a crossdresser and nothing further along the spectrum. But being honest in some ways that is difficult to say. For years as a child and even an adult i prayed I would wake up female. Never exactly hating my maleness, but thinking things were not exactly right or wasnt the person I should really be. Now Im still unsure. I realize I cant call myself just a cd, but as of now dont see myself as wanting to transtion. Sometimes think Im such a guy and would hate to lose that part of me and others wonder if i just deluding myself. I think my yin and yang sometimes fight for control. Not sure what that makes me.

nicky

04-04-2009, 02:41 PM

for me this storie you told is exactly what i started as just masterbation in pantys and things then as i went deeper in to the hole thing i realized i would like to live as a woman

melissaK

04-05-2009, 09:39 AM

My 2 cents:

I think Violet's question is just a restated challenge to the psychology community's conclusions that CD and TS are valid categories of distinct mental conditions. And as many point out, the categories have long been challenged by members in our community as wrong, and not helpful.

The more contemporary view is that some people have an innate desire to be a memeber of the gender opposite their genetic birth gender. This desire exists from birth, and it is not the result of social conditioning or training which can be unlearned.

As an expression of that cross gender desire, they all CD. The degree of the cross dressing behavior they express depends on each person's own values, including religion and moral code, together with societal rules that affect them when they express their desire by CDing. Complicating any understanding of the CDing behavior is that it is often tied to sexual arousal, and the individuals' preference in their sexual partner's gender.

As modern medical science has enabled cross gender excpression to include physical transformation via surgery and hormones, some with a cross gender desire turn to these options. Again, the degree of the physical changes they pursue depends on each person's own values, including religion and moral code, together with societal rules that affect them when they express their desire by undertaking a physical change, and by their own economic ability to pay for such changes.

Today, CDer and TS labels serve little purpose other than to explain the degree of cross gender behavior an individual is chosing to pursue at a particular point in their life. hence the idea that gender expression is a spectrum of behavior.

hugs to all,
'lissa

Lauren B

04-05-2009, 10:19 AM

I started thinking I was a crossdresser; in fact, it took me years to even be able to admit that much to myself (and like another poster said earlier, the term "transvestite" made my skin crawl). I know so much is made of labels, but the "CD" label was a help to me in that I don't think I could have come to terms with any of this at all if I had to go right to "TS".

Lisa Golightly

04-05-2009, 10:29 AM

Sometimes I worry that I'll never feel right... If crossdressing isn't the cure... then maybe HRT isn't the cure... then maybe SRS isn't the cure...

HRT was very much the point when 'I' knew I was TS... My time on HRT has simply been the happiest in my life... The first time body, spirit, and mind have been in some harmony... It's simply been lovely. :)

VeronicaMoonlit

04-05-2009, 11:12 AM

I have not responded to this post, for though I identify as a TS, I'm pre everything, for monetary reasons. In fact I might never be able to transition for said reasons.

Testosterone is a hell of a hormone. It does crazy things to people. I'll bet most TS people got a little loopy during puberty.
but I snuck in and put on my mom's clothes until he told me I would be lying in the corner bleeding if I ever went in their bedroom again.

I got loopy in the hiding thing, becoming OCD about double checking that I'd put everything back EXACTLY the way it was. And triple checking, and quadruple checking. I got frakkin paranoid, which did prevent my family from finding out, but made me loopy for certain.

but as much as I wanted to be TS, I saw that as a bit of an impossibility, too. I never liked the word crossdresser, but I considered myself one for a little bit because it took me a long time to see transitioning as a real possibility.

I didn't masturbate when dressed. I might get erections but I felt no desire to do anything with that. I just felt embarrassed and tried to calm it down. I just wanted to feel pretty.

I put the possibility of being a TS out of my decision tree, because from the stuff I had read, that TS's knew when they were like 3, were feminine and had feminine interests (no geeky D&D playing) etc. And the biggest thing, that TS's were attracted to men, and I wasn't. I learned different later.

I don't know many people who started out believing that they were crossdressers, but I think many of us went through a phase of denying or not understanding our real feelings and thinking that we were in fact crossdressers who probably wouldn't be able to take it much further.

I identified as a CD when I first went online back in 99, and when I joined Tri-ESS, though I was beginning to have my doubts. And then at Tri-Ess everyone assumed I was transitioning, and they'd give me funny looks when I'd tell them no. Or they'd ask how long I'd been on mones and I'd have to tell them that I wasn't on them and wasn't transitioning. And then I finally admitted to myself that I wanted to, though I couldn't admit it to others.

Even when I considered myself a CD, though, I knew I was different from other CDs -- especially the ones I met in clubs.

Yep, I never did clubs, but I knew I wasn't like most folks who identified as CD.

I wish I wasn't TS. And I have been diagnosed with "social dysphoria" (that is, just not fitting into society and having trouble with daily activities). Sometimes I worry that I'll never feel right... If crossdressing isn't the cure... then maybe HRT isn't the cure... then maybe SRS isn't the cure...

yeah, I worry about that too. Especially since I'm very uncomfortable in social situations.

I know I'd rather be a woman, so it's not about having any regrets, but I just want to be happy with myself...

Me too.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

Raquel June

04-05-2009, 05:15 PM

HRT was very much the point when 'I' knew I was TS... My time on HRT has simply been the happiest in my life... The first time body, spirit, and mind have been in some harmony... It's simply been lovely. :)

I feel the same way up to a point... It was a tough decision for me at first, basically saying, "Why would I want to be an ugly girl when I could just stay as a fairly attractive guy?" But after I started HRT I felt a lot better. It's really helped me. But as far as "happiest time of my life" ... well ... I'm unemployed and very lonely and I might get evicted in a month ... so I can't really say my life is lovely; I can't even be sure that it's better than it would be without HRT...

I put the possibility of being a TS out of my decision tree, because from the stuff I had read, that TS's knew when they were like 3, were feminine and had feminine interests (no geeky D&D playing) etc. And the biggest thing, that TS's were attracted to men, and I wasn't. I learned different later.

I might have preferred woman's clothes when I was 3, but I certainly had no concept of being TS, and I'll bet I spent a lot more time on RPGs than you did between the ages of 8 and 15 ... well, except for the time I was playing with Legos.