How do you tell the kids?

[Nikki A.]

Quick overview and looking for opinions and thoughts. Two children 19 yo son & 17 yo daughter. Son is away at college daughter is in HS lives with me (mom passed away about a 1 1/2 years ago). Wife knew of my dressing didn't really approve but realized it helped me be me. Since she has passed, I have been more involved with CDing including going out to events dressed.
I'm tired of hiding this part of me and would like to come clean. It's would be nice to be able to get dressed openly rather than sneak everything out and finding somewhere else to get ready. A funny aside, maybe I can borrow back some of the things my daughter has borrowed from "mom's stuff", not knowing some of it's mine, mostly some jewelry, a pair of heels (actually she knows I had bought them, for a Halloween dress up). I am very close w/both of them and I don't want to do anything to hurt my relationship with them. Even my son's friends think I'm cool (they let me do Rock band & Guitar hero with them).
Anyway, how have some of you handled it, or how would you handle it?

[Sophia de la luz]

Just sit them down and tell them how proud of them you are for reaching adulthood and how you're at a place where you want to shift the relationship a little bit in terms of being open about yourself. And then tell them you really enjoy wearing womens' clothing.
I imagine they might already know and will just pat you on the back and reassure you of their love.
If it is a shocker, I imagine there big concern will be you dressing up in front of their friends. You can reassure them of your sensitivity on this issue.
They will also want to know if Mom knew, etc. So, be open there as well.
Show up, tell the truth, come from love, give up expectations.
Maybe short term pain, but long term gain.
That's my thoughts.

[Jonianne]

.......I am very close w/both of them and I don't want to do anything to hurt my relationship with them. Even my son's friends think I'm cool (they let me do Rock band & Guitar hero with them).
Anyway, how have some of you handled it, or how would you handle it?

Having a good close relationship is the key. When you finally do share, listen to them. Let them know you will always be their dad, that will never change. It is very likely they will not want to see you dressed, so you may still be in the closet as far as openly wearing your cloths goes, especially if you are just CD. Just having their acceptance of knowing you dress is worth more than losing their respect and friendship by forcing it on them.

I was forced into telling mine by my ex, when they were young teens. I had a good relationship with them and they both said they were OK with it as long as they did not have to see it. I respected them and their wishes. They both moved in with me to finish high school.

My step children also know and I let them lead in their having thier comfort level. They will make silly comments (in fun) sometimes and told me they were considering buying me a nice dress for fathers day (although they got something else instead - I was just pleased they considered it). We all wear the same size shoes (except for my wife who wears larger), so they have borrowed mine on occasion.

Their is nothing neater than having their love and respect, even with my idiosyncricies. Giving them love and respect results in receiving the same.

[jruiz]

Maybe it's not going to be a popular advise, but I just wouldn't tell them yet.

They lost their mother a few time ago, and they need a father figure. It's going to be odd for them looking or imagining you dressed. I'd wait until both of them are in college. Specially for the girl who still lives with you

[Tora]

I would be cautious, need to know. You are the only anchor they have.
You have hurt nothing by delay.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I don't have any kids. I never stopped being one myself. :heehee:

In terms of how to come out to your kids, it might be a good idea to somehow test the water first. Engage in a conversation about transgendered issues. How? Well, you'll need to get creative there. Maybe talk about a film with a crossdresser or drag queen in it or something to what they might comment about that aspect of it. Find a way to figure out where their heads are with the issue before coming clean. It will better prepare you for their reaction or even be a sign to hold off until other things have been cleared up first.

Regardless of how they react to your crossdressing, you're still their father and they will still love you. Even if they freak, they'll still love you. They might need time to sort things out in their heads, but they won't abandon you or anything. Of that, I'm pretty certain.

So I'd say test the water first, figure out where they're at about it (before knowing about you), and then find a way to ease them in to it. For instance, I never just came out to my wife - I did it over a long period of time in stages, painting more of the big picture to her along the way. Different with a wife than kids, I know, but perhaps the same can be worked out on your end. You do have time to plan things, so see what your mind comes up with. I hope this was a least a little helpful. :)

[Tina B.]

I don't believe a teenage girl that has resonantly lost her mother is going to understand, and may feel you are trying to replace her mother, I think I would wait until she is at least out of high school, and had more time to get over the loss of her mother, what you do know may effect the rest of their lives. But then you are the one that knows how well they are handling things.
Tina

[Ralph]

I'm kind of on the fence about the timing. On the one hand, it has been a year and a half; on the other hand, if she's still dealing with other emotional problems from the loss your announcement could leave her more hurt, confused, and resentful. Putting myself in her shoes for a minute, I can imagine her seeing what you do as making a mockery of her mother's memory. You know and I know that's not true; I'm just suggesting what it might look like to someone on the outside.

Also look at your motives. If your main concern is getting back the clothes and accessories she is using - let it rest. If you just don't like having secrets or deceiving your daughter, I applaud you and I say go for it.

You say she's 17... will she be going off to college this fall or next? If so, maybe you could keep a lid on it until after she moves out, then the next time she comes home for a visit open up to her.

As for how - the answer is very, very cautiously. When you're delivering news that may shock and confuse the listener, you have to tapdance your way towards the subject slowly. "There's something I need to tell you about myself. I put this off because we were all so upset about Mom, but I don't want there to be any secrets between us. She knew about it, and now it's time you do too..."

By this time she'll be on the edge of her seat wondering what terrible, deep dark secrets you are about to reveal. You killed Jimmy Hoffa? You're D.B. Cooper? You're a spy for Castro?

"Remember that time I wore that dress and high heels for Halloween? Well... I owned and wore those long before Halloween."

That should get you started in the right direction. From there you have to go into the details about the urge, the stages of denial and purging that made you realize you can't just stop, the assurance that you're not gay (I assume you're not), etc.

Give her lots of opportunities to ask questions, tell you how it makes her feel. Don't condemn her or argue with her if she doesn't understand, or if it makes her uncomfortable - if you push it on her and demand that she understand and accept right away, she never will. Try to lighten the mood with humor - "So that's my deep dark secret. I bet you thought I was gonna say there are a dozen bodies buried in the backyard, huh?"

Whatever you decide, just remember that it's not all about you... respect your daughter's feelings as you would have her respect yours.

ralph

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Search for my thread "telling my daughter". She was at school so I told her thru a very well worded email. This allowed me to compose my thoughts and say them to her without her interrupting me. It also allowed her to read and absorb the words before saying anything to me. Funny thing when we talked over the phone afterwards, she had told me that she knew of my dressing for years, but was waiting for me to tell her. She has been very accepting of me and our relationship as Dad and Daughter is stronger now than it was before.

After I told my daughter and it went well, I waited about 2 weeks and told my son who also was accepting of my dressing.

I know that their mom has died, but I think it would be okay to tell them. I would just explain to them how much you love them first. I had the luxury with both of my kids that I was able to write them letters first, then we spoke by phone afterwards. With your daughter, as she lives at home you could leave a note on her bed for her, so when she gets home she can read it. Then when you get home from work the two of you could talk together. As for your son who lives away from home an email letter or letter as I did with my kids could be a good opening move, then call and talk. For me I have a difficult time broaching the subject face to face, writing a letter, than face to face conversation works better for me.

I suggest talk with them, it will go well. Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[DanaR]

I would be very careful before deciding to tell them. Try to get some idea if they are homophobic or not; this will give you an idea of their acceptance.

My youngest daughter found out about me about fifteen years ago (when she was 19) and went ballistic. Some of the things that she said to my wife and I, were very hurtful. There were days that I spent a lot of time crying after some of the hateful things she would say to me. When she was younger, we were very good friends, and she said many times that she wanted to marry someone just like me. It took about 5 years to get to a point where I didn’t think she hated me. We lost a lot of time because of her prejudices, which she didn’t get from either her mom or me. My wife has known about me for years before my daughter was even born.

Be careful.

[Carin]

If you have a close relationship with them, and you know that they are not homophobic, my expectation is that they will rise to the occasion and respect you for being only human, and appreciate your ability to share something so personal with them. It is not a time to push the image on them, but to share your Self with them. I have 7 kids within a few years of your children's ages. We are closer because I was able to share this information.

We ask our kids to be honest with us, and we can set no greater example of this than by our being honest with them. It does change the dynamic somewhat, but it is a more real dynamic. Be prepared to answer "How did mom feel about it?"

As for how we did it, see the links in this recent post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1629488&postcount=15)

[Angel.Marie76]

There are several perspectives out there, I actually have a document that I picked up from my therapist a month or so ago that talks about different perspectives from the TG person and the children.

There are always good and bad things about talking to your children at any age about your CD/TG natures. It seems to be that, at least from what I've been reading and talking about, that the younger you tell them, the more likely they are to accept the situation more readily as 'the norm'. The older you let your child get, the more 'nurture' concepts have been etched into their being not only from yourself, but also by the rest of the world. At 11, my son's BIGGEST worries are, besides defining his own self as clearly as possible, is peer acceptance.

He's extremely concerned about having his friends find out I'm TG/CD. Couple that with the fact that he's been growing his own hair out longer and BANG! Instant worry. He doesn't even want me to talk to his mother about it in detail (her and I divorced almost a decade ago, but she knew I underdressed) for fear that she'll criticize his longer hair in a girly way.. So his image in the eyes of others seems to be paramount these days.

There is a lot to be said about one's ability to absorb new concepts based on their own (non/ or)accepting nature. If your children were exposed to a open-minded upbringing then their understanding of the situation may go better than you expect. I can easily say that another of the biggest issues facing children is the perceptual 'loss' of that parental figure, esp. when the idea of transitioning is there (whether brought up by yourself or assumed by the child). My two cents of perspective based on many documents that I've read, and so many I've talked to say that having both a male and female energy in child rearing is very important (thought NOT required, as I know many will feel). Having lost the mother in your family, and now, possibly, with the children fearing the additional loss of their father as well (//stretch// perhaps even perceiving that you're trying to REPLACE their mother even?? I don't know..) might cause them undue stress.

Weigh your options well, and even so, maybe find a councilor that might have experience in this sort of thing. I did, and I feel it's helped me - but it's not for everyone.

Best wishes hun.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I don't have any kids myself, but my younger brother who had SRS and is now

my sister told his three children and they refuse to have anything to do with

him . (And these children were ages 12-20 at the time)

JoAnne Wheeler

"I'm An All American Bluegrass Girl and Proud As I Can Be"

[wendiwoman]

I came out to my daughter when she was 19. I had decided to tell her about a year earlier, but it took that long for the "right" time to come by. She was visiting from college, and we were home alone. She had no plans, wasn't chatting online, or searching for a friend. Just she and I with no distractions.

I had decided to tell her because I was coming out, and I hated lying to her. (Last night?... Oh, I went out with some "friends" you haven't met.") I was fairly confident that she would deal with it well. We've always be honest about all other things, and she is very in touch with her feelings. She is articulate, and I felt that if she were upset, she would be able to express that appropriately, and we could slowly work through it.

So I sat down with her, and said "There is something significant about me that I've only shared with a few special people, and I want to share it with you." She looked puzzled and nervous, but I continued "I am transgendered." She burst out laughing and started crying at the same time. It was okay, though. I began explaining my story, and she listened to it all. She asked good questions about what I did, what I wanted from my life, who knew, etc.

After about an hour, which seemed to fly by, I suggested we stop for now. She agreed, and then asked me the most wonderful question. She asked if I needed anything from her right now. I asked her to please promise me that she would discuss with me any concerns, problems, or difficulties that she might be having with my revelation.

She finished by asking me not to dress in front of her... at least not for a while. I agreed.

We continued talking, off and on, for about a year. Eventually, she said that she was ready to see me. So we arranged to meet for lunch a few days hence. Her first comment when seeing me outside of the restaurant was "You look much better than I imagined." <G>

Over the years, we have gotten together several times, and it has always been special to me. She is now 23.

The important things to consider, in my opinion, are your relationship with your kids, how they handle new unusual situations, and how you would deal with difficulties that might develop. Also, I think you need to consider your motivation. If you want to come out because you want a more honest relationship, then I think that is good. I would not recommend that someone come out to their kids if they just feel the need to show off, get more clothes, or have a new "girl-friend."

Good luck,
Wendi

[Sally24]

A few questions that could help sort things out a bit.

1. Are they likely to find out by accident on their own? If yes, then telling them your own way at a time of your choosing is much better than just a random "Uh Oh" moment.

2. Do you think they already suspect something. It's very hard to live with someone and not have them pick up on little things. There are also the big things that we forget to hide or put away too.

3. Are they either smart or open minded people. One or the other or both can help them to accept.
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I told both of my kids in the last couple of years. My daughter, @ 27 who lives with us. She had seen enough that she suspected something and was a little worried. That was the main impetus to tell her.

Told my son @ 25 because I assumed he'd be hurt if he found out his sister had known for years and years and he hadn't. He'd also made comments about "strange" things going on around here and asked me in what department I bought my pink sneakers.

Both are pretty intelligent people and don't seem to have any solid bias against any groups. My daughter has fully embraced the whole Sally persona and swaps clothes and style ideas with me. My son is open to it but just hasn't been availble when we've had our last few outings so he hasn't actually seen Sally in person, just pictures.

Many people will tell you that your children don't need to be "burdened" with your problems. I think it is just the opposite, at least for those that go out at all. This is a part of you and it's not going away! To have your children find out from some one else, or from an accident, or god forbid when you die and they clean out the house! That's burdening them! They won't really know what it's all about. If you tell them carefully and fully that this is how you are and has nothing to do with sex (if that's true for you) they have a good chance of understanding. People can surprise you.

Good luck!

[Nikki A.]

They are both very bright and open minded. They know I sometimes wear unisex style clothes that my wife bought around the house (if she bought something and decided that she didn't like it she'd sometimes offer it to me before returning it). And they know that I will sometimes wear support p/h when my knees are bothering me (of course covered up). Since my daughter is still at home she is the one that is the priority and the one who might have a negative reaction. My son is more mellow, like me.
As far as mom's memory, my daughter and her always seemed to push each other's buttons (Mom was bipolar) and in someways I was the island of calm.
Why now, I guess that I'm tired of trying to hide things how do you explain dresses etc. in your closet w/no wife? I have also joined an area group and it would be easier for me that she knew where I was and with whom. I don't dress near home (except for a local gay resort). Although if she knew I could at least get myself ready at home and then finish up elsewhere.

[Kelli Michelle]

I have a 13 yr old daugh and an 18 yr old son. My son is very mature, and has a tg classmate and is fine with her. My daugh is a little immature for her age, so am not sure about her, but...I have discussed the tg issue using current events or shows to see how she would react. She didn't know a lot, and I answered a lot of questions (I wondered if she thought "how does he know all that?"). She seemed ok with a tg person, basically.

The thing is, while I think in theory that they would accept a transgendered dad, I don't know how they would react if it was their dad. My wife hates it that I cd, but she would be ok with it if it was someone else's husband (her words). I think this scenario would be important to you as well.

It's a hard decision. I think several have written about some pretty good ways to explain it, if you choose to tell them, in this thread. They (your children) definitely need to know that you aren't going anywhere, that you will be there for them. They also need to know that it is part of who you are and has been.

Just know that you need to go into this discussion with eyes wide open. Anything could happen, from "oh dad, we always knew" to total non-acceptance. Just remember, also, that whatever their feelings, they could change over time.

Best of luck, I hope you make the right decision.:thumbup: