cd + accepting wife = perfect marriage... actually, not really

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

There are several of us with accepting SO's, but it seems that there are even more who either do not have an accepting SO or have not yet come out to them. If the ladder is your story, this one's for you.

In my post about the additional benefits in having a crossdressing husband (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=100870), I brought up some of the beautiful things that my wife and I enjoy together in regards to my cding. It involves a level of beauty and fulfillment that no "ordinary" (non-cd) married couple could ever imagine, in my opinion.

However, just because my wife is accepting, and even encouraging of my cding, it does not mean our marriage is perfect and we get to ride off into the sunset, both dressed like sexy divas, living happily ever after. Like any marriage, ours has its fair share of problems.

It is true that one of the most important things in any crossdresser's life is their need to be themselves and be open with their SO. But even if your SO accepts you as you are, it does not mean that every other problem that can pop up in marriage won't still pop up.

I do enjoy a beautiful marriage and my wife means the world to me. I'd pretty much do anything for her... stopping short of staying out of her closet. :heehee: Seriously, it took us years to reach the level of happiness we enjoy in our marriage now. Even so, we still argue at times. We have our differences. And as much as she enjoys my crossdressing, it also overwhelms her at times. Perhaps better put, I overwhelm her at times.

As with any marriage or relationship, there is a delicate balance that must be maintained. The components of this balance differ from couple to couple, but upset the balance, and the relationship will suffer. This is true in relationships of all kinds, regardless of crossdressing.

I'm not going to get in to the all of the personal issues that upset our balance, but I want people to understand that there's no fairy tale going on here. My wife accepts my crossdressing. She enjoys my crossdressing. She buys me all kinds of pretty things to wear. And I still end up sleeping on the couch from time to time because were both human and have our differences.

I understand that it is every crossdresser's dream to have an accepting SO. I understand that achieving that dream is of very high importance, and rightfully so. No marriage or relationship will enjoy true happiness when one party does not allow the other to be who they are. At the same time, I just wanted to share that the formula for a perfect marriage is not just about having an accepting SO. There is no fairy tale. Don't get me wrong - there is PLENTY of happiness, but there's no such thing as living happily ever after just because of an accepting SO.

I hope each of you who are struggling with your SO, do achieve acceptance. Without acceptance, there will never be real happiness. Even with an accepting SO, it takes a LOT of hard work to maintain the balance and achieve happiness.

Just wanted to share. :)

[JulieK1980]

Such a true point! My wife and I are very happy together, and I'm forever grateful to find a wife that accepts Jody as well as Joe. That doesn't mean we don't have millions of other trials and tribulations in life, we still have plenty of arguments and disagreements. Acceptance of CDing just means we don't have THAT particular issue. There is no fairy tale ending in life (thank god!) It would be boring I think.:2c:

[sometimes_miss]

A big part of any romantic relationship involves the sexual attraction we feel towards the other person. When you do something to disrupt that, it can destroy the relationship, no matter how many other 'benefits' there might be to having a crossdressing husband. Women want the 'man they married', with all the masculine traits intact. They even tolerate all kinds of negative behaviors in order to get a masculine guy. Put us into a feminine light, and it often results in disaster.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You have written a very inportant thread - as one who is struggling with the

continuation of my marriage, I will say that my Spouse is somewhat tolerant

and accepting of my dressing, but it has caused a lot of marital problems, but

they are not the only marital problems - there are always other issues - like

you said, there is NO fairy tale marriage - no matter what anyone thinks -

marriage is a give and take and compromise after a lot of COMMUNICATION.

JoAnne Wheeler

I'm an all American Bluegrass Girl and Proud As I Can Be"

[amyj]

Gabrielle, that's perhaps the best post I've read in a while. My wife has no idea of my crossdressing (that I know of!) as I didn't pursue anything until she moved out. A husband and wife should support one another, form a team and grow together in life. There is a balance to it all, and you've got to find it. And above all, just give yourself to the other person.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

...Women want the 'man they married', with all the masculine traits intact. They even tolerate all kinds of negative behaviors in order to get a masculine guy. Put us into a feminine light, and it often results in disaster.

I think to a large extent, you are 100% correct. It is the women who are more attracted to the masculine features and the manly man who I think will be less accepting of a crossdressing SO. I think this is why there are so many crossdressers here who are having trouble in their relationships.

My wife happens to love my crossdressing side. She loves the man she married and doesn't want him to go away, but she truly does enjoy Gabrielle a very much. There are times when she literally can't keep her hands off me when I'm dressed up. I consider myself very blessed to have such an accepting wife. When I came out to her, there was no disaster at all. Rather an explosion of new territory to explore and enjoy together. I know that is not the case with many couples, but that is how it worked out for me and I thank God EVERY DAY for that!

As with anything though, a balance is needed to keep things good between us. I've overwhelmed her with my cding (mostly just my endless talking about cding) before. We're doing well with it now, but could always be better. Our marriage in general is a very good one, but like I said - sometimes I end up doing some time on the couch. Accepting wife or not, we still have our differences and bat heads. No marriage is perfect. Not even a marriage with an accepting wife. :)

[Ruth]

Too true Gabrielle. As I said in another post, if the marriage is based upon true love, it can absorb and survive something like a CDing partner.
But that doesn't mean you sit around all day, hand in hand, cooing like lovebirds. There is still a life to be lived, with all its challenges and minor disagreements. Life is not easy but it's infinitely worth living.

[Toni_Lynn]

In the case of my wife Debbie and I, my being a crossdresser magnifies the closeness, love and fun that we have together. We are each other's bestest friend! Sure, we have days when things don't seem to click, I'd say as much as any other couple. So, being a crossdresser doesn't make those go away. Thank God those days are few and far between.

But -- WOW! -- all I can say is that the romance and intimacy is far beyond what I ever dreamed of. I think that this is because of the honesty between us. As people I think we are always looking for acknowledgment from others and even permission to "be". Because I can be 100% of the person that I am with my wife, the bonds of love are so very strong and totally based on trust. As important is the fact that this is a two way thing -- we agreed that we would accept each other as we are.

As to sexual attraction, I am quite lucky because my wife is attracted to me as a crossdresser. She likes the fact that -- as the Fleetwood Mac song says - it makes lovin' fun. The spectrum of our intimate life is broad and colourful. That doesn't mean that there aren't boundaries. There are, but we talked about those as we talked about what me being a CDer is all about.

Okay -- I have to say this too -- with no apologies -- because we are both Catholics and practice our faith, we have a strong sense of what it teaches about the sanctity of marriage coupled with respect for each other. This too, helps us get through.

If I had to hide my crossdressing I'd feel like I was cheating on her. If there was no acceptance, I'd feel like our marriage was somehow incomplete

Huggles

Toni-Lynn