Thoughts I needed to vent

[Kayla Shadows]

Hello.I just needed a place to vent my thoughts.

I just returned from a yearly work event which was difficult.After not trying to suppress things and digging things up that are too surfaced to bury,its very different.I was at a conference resort where there a lot of things to do which includes a in house day spa.I saw the sign for it when I walked in but felt very awkward about going in when people from work are around.A lot of realization took place.I went and sat in room with over 100 people and still feel totally alone.My mind starts going,I really just want to go somewhere to cry and my body just hurts so much.After the first day ended I went to my room and my roommate was there watching tv so there was still no escape.I went downstairs and went in the pool so I could atleast have that element that would hide it.After that I went to the bar to try and kill it some more.
So much was supposed to change in my life but,its still the same.I cant change that but,I know how much I need to change how things are.I can be very strong but Im also not afraid to reveal what is underneath.I dont look for anybodys pity when I speak...but I will express what I feel without the fear of what people might think.Sometimes happiness is just how well you hide the pain...and how long it takes to forget.Overall,I have not had the easiest life.
I came from a home where I was alone a lot.There was also a lot of violence.Whether it was just violence or something induced with the addition of alcohol,I dont have the most pleasant memories of family life.A town with racist,closed minded people is not a good place to grow as a individual.From being different being wrong,to bad neighborhoods,its really been a experience.Hearing gun shots right outside and never even seeing the police come makes you feel a little uneasy about where your at.When I put makeup on I still hate to see the scar on my face but its a reminder of where Ive been.I was very young and walking to the corner store in Brooklyn to get some candy when I was cut on my face just for looking at someone.I was visiting my aunt there.My parents moved out of there to find a better place.A place where you didnt have to worry about getting killed for your shoes,your jacket,or whatever else..People have ideas of how to get out hard times but,for some who arent so lucky,the reality is,sometimes you find yourself in quicksand.You just keep going down and down.Self destruction is also something that happens to people when there is no escape.The answers are a mystery like my love life.Where home is,is a place that I have no idea.The grass is always greener on the side of the fence that Im not standing on.I have lost myself through the years and it was hard to find me.The ashes I was left to create with were all I needed.I think my life is more about creating myself more then it is finding.I know who I am.With that knowledge I will grow and recreate a place that is my own world.Not a place that is tortured and effected by the way people treat me.I want to show the world who I really am..and that,that person is anything but 2nd rate.There is still a long road and I know there will still be pain and still be struggle.The world is not perfect and neither am I..I just hope you love me for those imperfections.I say how I feel without fear...and I strive for the same in my outer image that the world sees.I want to be me entirely when I go through each day.Not me in guys clothes.Its not all about the clothes but they are not unimportant either.There are levels to everythings significance..and I would rather dress how I feel than not.

In the end,I have my pain,my heart still hurts but,I still have strength and courage to push forward with power.



This is life and I know it isn’t fair
When you rest your head there wont always be somebody there
Through the hard times we take the good and the bad
So much pain,sometimes I don’t really care
There wont always be someone there to hold our hand
And if your that girl,just know,I understand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hbm4G_7rGzQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kUNpyvmU7Q

[Aurora27]

I went and sat in room with over 100 people and still feel totally alone.My mind starts going,I really just want to go somewhere to cry and my body just hurts so much.

This is a feeling I know quite well - it happens even when among close friends and family. My head fills with images of mountains and forests and I just want to climb to a high peak and lose myself in the pure air and birds. The only sure help I find is to talk to someone. And I don't mean to vent your feelings or desires - just sit next to someone, say 'hi' and then just talk whatever random rubbish happens to come out (as long as its somewhat engaging). Its not exactly a lifetime cure for loneliness and frustration, but it does alleviate and delay the effects. Eventually you find you're not entirely alone, just WAY different.

[Carin]

Venting is a good pressure release valve.

As I read your post I say to myself "This sounds familiar". I have heard it again and again, at Al-Anon meetings. I go to an LGBT Al-Anon meeting once a week. It is a place that helps me take care of myself and learn to be happy with myself, regardless of what life throws.

[Kayla Shadows]

Its not exactly a lifetime cure for loneliness and frustration, but it does alleviate and delay the effects. Eventually you find you're not entirely alone, just WAY different.

Very true..And being different isnt a bad thing.Sometimes I just wish I didnt make people deal with these thoughts in my head.I think too much a lot and just need to get them out though.


Venting is a good pressure release valve.

Yes it is.So is music and art. There are times I just need to stop and block every thought from my head.Then I will go play guitar,draw,write or do something to direct the feelings in a different direction.


As I read your post I say to myself "This sounds familiar". I have heard it again and again, at Al-Anon meetings. I go to an LGBT Al-Anon meeting once a week. It is a place that helps me take care of myself and learn to be happy with myself, regardless of what life throws.

I havnt gone to any meetings yet but I am starting this month when they come up.I deal with things ok but then sometimes not when new feelings occur.Im very expressive in things I do so I often let those feelings out.I just have to control where and when because Im sure friends dont want to hear it.I like to come here and get it out though.People can read it or not and its all fine.I just want it out there.I use all my emotions and dont try to hide any side of me.Somebody said, "that makes you real",and I can live with that.

[Leanne2]

Kayla,
I'm trying to think of the right words to type. I was touched by your venting. Remember that you are a good person. God made you the way you are for a purpose. Your job is to figure out what your purpose in this life is. If you are being treated poorly then move to somewhere else. Get in a group of some sort where you can discuss your situation. Maybe someone else in a group needs to hear your story; needs your help. I believe that we all have an obligation to help each other. Can I give you a big hug? Hang in there, Leanne

[Tal'Aura]

I went and sat in room with over 100 people and still feel totally alone.

Jolan Tru,

We have each other and they are all alone. Crowds of people can give an illusion of socializing, but don't let that fool you.


A town with racist,closed minded people is not a good place to grow as a individual.From being different being wrong,to bad neighborhoods,its really been a experience.Hearing gun shots right outside and never even seeing the police come makes you feel a little uneasy about where your at.When I put makeup on I still hate to see the scar on my face but its a reminder of where Ive been.

I was growing up during the war. Believe me, that is much worse. It's awful listening every day about massacres and ethnic cleansings. I still can hear ghastly sound of sirens for alert and I can't forget blackouts as a precaution for aerial attacks. The darkness was so frightening... Even today I have fear of the dark.

[Kimberley]

This was very touching and no doubt writing helped with the pain.

My thoughts came about from the following:

I think my life is more about creating myself more then it is finding.I know who I am.

I think you should look at it from the other point of view. Find out who you are, tear down those walls and you dont have to create anything because you will blossom as you. You show much insight but are unwilling to give yourself a break from what I read. I strongly suggest seeing a good therapist who can help you walk through your life. You cant change the past but you can discover how it affects you today then go forward with the tools that you have accumulated from the process.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Kayla Shadows]

Kayla,
I'm trying to think of the right words to type. I was touched by your venting. Remember that you are a good person. God made you the way you are for a purpose. Your job is to figure out what your purpose in this life is. If you are being treated poorly then move to somewhere else. Get in a group of some sort where you can discuss your situation. Maybe someone else in a group needs to hear your story; needs your help. I believe that we all have an obligation to help each other. Can I give you a big hug? Hang in there, Leanne

A hug would be nice :hugs: Im trying to hang in there.Im also going to some group meetings this month.Where I feel I belong is not where I am.The current way I go through my days with work and everything is just not me.





Jolan Tru,

We have each other and they are all alone. Crowds of people can give an illusion of socializing, but don't let that fool you.

I was growing up during the war. Believe me, that is much worse. It's awful listening every day about massacres and ethnic cleansings. I still can hear ghastly sound of sirens for alert and I can't forget blackouts as a precaution for aerial attacks. The darkness was so frightening... Even today I have fear of the dark.

That sounds very hard.The things that bother me most are the things that have happened to people I was close with.Death,suicide,drugs that I had to watch tear them apart,the pain that I cause people because of all the things that go through my mind...I just want peace from all of this.


This was very touching and no doubt writing helped with the pain.

My thoughts came about from the following:


I think you should look at it from the other point of view. Find out who you are, tear down those walls and you dont have to create anything because you will blossom as you. You show much insight but are unwilling to give yourself a break from what I read. I strongly suggest seeing a good therapist who can help you walk through your life. You cant change the past but you can discover how it affects you today then go forward with the tools that you have accumulated from the process.

:hugs:
Kimberley

I do understand.Ive done a lot of searching.Which fills me with the knowledge that sometimes causes pain because my current life still does not feel like my own.Ive suppressed things for so long,and now with the freedom I let myself have to be myself,Ive seen who I am and where I want my life to go.I chose to say creating myself because that is a step to becoming who I know I am.Changing what I need in my life to have a place of comfort which means breaking things down and starting new.Destroying,erasing parts and moving forward with a different life.The right life..How I go through my days,how I present myself,how I let the world effect me which in turn effects the people I care about..it all need adjustment in some way.I do need to talk to someone and go to groups to help with the issues that go around my head.Talking and working things out is very important.Its knowing who I am and continueing to live as someone Im not that causes pain.It lead me to seek change.The only solution..is revolution.

[Sigrid Cutie]

Hi,
i understand alot of what you are talking about, i'm originaly form Mexico city, the bigest city in the world with alot of crime out, so i grew up alot in your situation,

now i'm in Canada and life here is very relaxed, can't complain by that, but also i do feel alone alot, and can't reveal my other side to people, i think we are alot of us feeling the same.

because all of this i'm usually the loner type of person and i search for places to be left alone, hre in Canada is easy to find that, but not in a big city.

also i feel lucky when i came to Canada i started a new life, the life i want to, and the CDing in public here is not so bad must people would think i'm a girl even if i'm not dressed up, so if i do people don't even think i'm a guy, so hang in there and good luck in life.

[Kayla Shadows]

Hi,
i understand alot of what you are talking about, i'm originaly form Mexico city, the bigest city in the world with alot of crime out, so i grew up alot in your situation,

now i'm in Canada and life here is very relaxed, can't complain by that, but also i do feel alone alot, and can't reveal my other side to people, i think we are alot of us feeling the same.

because all of this i'm usually the loner type of person and i search for places to be left alone, hre in Canada is easy to find that, but not in a big city.

also i feel lucky when i came to Canada i started a new life, the life i want to, and the CDing in public here is not so bad must people would think i'm a girl even if i'm not dressed up, so if i do people don't even think i'm a guy, so hang in there and good luck in life.


Hi.Things are deffinately better where I am now than past situations.Ive been here for some years now but I still dont know what Im doing here.I dont know...I just feel like there is nothing for me here.Ijust want to move and start over somewhere where I feel more comfortable.

Right now Im battling with everything I have inside me.Still continuing to live a male life for more of my waking hours than I want is frustrating.Thoughts of what is ahead frightens me and I feel so lost.Feeling stuck between emotions,between thoughts,between lives and just everything.Theres so much to think about and go through and it really does deeply hurt to try to do it all alone.Ive heard all the comments about the depressing posts but I really dont care.I cant just come here and pretend to be happy.Like I heard a GG friend say to somebody once,Sorry to tell you but,life isnt all kitty cats and flowers.The good doesnt always outweigh the bad and we are dying inside for balance.Im just giving my feelings a voice instead of keeping it all inside.Never said it was going to be pleasant all the time.There is very real,sometimes scary,sometimes hurtful inside,changes that will come and it a lot to deal with.Not knowing who is still going to be there,will they still love me,will they hate me,is everything with everyone going to fall apart,what comes next,what happens after that,is everything going to be ok,will I always be alone,can I do this,will I fail,will I find work,....and the list goes on and on and on.It sometimes leads me to absolute chaos inside and at times I am absolutely out of control with my emotions.I will be talking to somebody soon and I hope something somewhere makes my hurt,thoughts and emotions find a peace in this world.

I thought I always knew things but still tried to convince myself that it was just crossdressing.Pieces started coming together more and more and a bigger picture came about.Then it was ,please dont let this be me.This is so hard and I dont know if I can handle being me.It becomes a alot of pain when you dont know a lot about things and dont know what to do. A different world is on the verge of creation and it is serious.My head fills with so many things.Like who Im going to lose,the risks involved,how I will be treated when there is no more ability to hide things anymore...and many more things that turn into a mountain of decisions and feelings.I know what feels like the right choice but my mind pulls me back and forth with if I can or not.

Under all the chaos,Something still pushes me in a forward direction.Its what I know and all the pieces that tell me how I am isnt going away and its time.It is all too much to think about and Im going to move at a pace that takes me forward but is manageable.Small steps and no looking back.I know that where I am right now doesnt feel right and I will find out what right is as I progress.Starting by going to group meetings and talking to the people I need to see about my issues.At the same time,saving up to get the hair off my face that I want gone and getting things together in my life to conform to the person I am.I guess it just frustrates me that things are currently moving slow and Im not happy with the point Im at.I know I can be happy with the realization that I know what I want for myself and Im not going to continue being who Im not.Progress is progress and any moving away from who you dont want to be is something.Its gaining ground in the right direction and its a beautiful thing.

[Sigrid Cutie]

Hi Kayla,

i read your post and i did felt like you do at some point in life, and yeah life has it's ups and downs, even for people that are ok beeing either just male or female, for us is always a mess inside our heads, beeing one gender and wanting to be the other gender, but if you already fing a group or some one to talk about all this things, i'm glad for you,

as you i just hate body hair and more facial hair, i try laser in my chest and tummy and i must say it hurts like hell, just manage to go once after that i just shave, so i know i couldn't stand that pain in my face, but we all have diferent pain reistane so if you can handel that i'm so glad for you.

also as you i feel confused some times, i want to be a girl, but then i see my self and i'm not, and yes latelly i hve gone alot into mind games, you know just living this alternate live inside my mind and i am who i really want to be and i spend alot of time doing this, then realityt cames and i realize i'm back being a guy, we each cope with our reality in diferent ways, for some is easyer to accept we are 2 people in one body, and as such alot of times there is this conflict between the both of us.

well girl i have to go now but be strong and if you need something i'm here for you,
your Friend Sigrid..

[Kayla Shadows]

Hey Sigrid. Yeah,it does cause quite a conflict inside.Trying to keep up with both sides of my life becomes difficult.I have people who know me this way,know me the other way and,for me,its hard to cope sometimes knowing the other way feels wrong.Theres a large part of me with people who only know my male side.After starting to live my life different and accepting myself,it shifted my mind into a state that is really me.It opened doors and Im not hiding from myself anymore...but,what was behind those doors started to create a war.Something that was just tied down and silenced until that day it was let out...and it came out enraged.

I know it is going to hurt but,I will probably still go for getting rid of facial hair.It is so hard to cover for me and I dont like to see it at all.Twice Ive sat in a tattoo chair for about 2 1/2 hours each time.Towards the end it just started to get real raw and going back over with color started to hurt bad in spots.Especially by the top of my shoulder where it felt thinner.I left feeling high or something.Still having to sit motionless while your almost at the point that you want to say,ok,stop,stop,stop,though you keep going is really a experience.They were for my mom and dad and I really wanted it though.Just as much as I want the hair gone so Im gonna try and bare it.

I hear ya though.Lots of mind games.My mind throws me back and forth with,I can do this,I dont know if I can do this...I know its right but,can I handle right...right now feels wrong and I cant handle wrong either though.Thats where I find myself stuck on a fence with my thoughts.Everything is still pushing me in the direction to be who I am but,I guess my fear of all the events to come and the unknown is a lot on me.The best thing right now is just talking about it as Im going forward and trying to relieve some of the tension.

Thank you so much for you words.Im here too
:hugs: Kayla






Hi Kayla,

i read your post and i did felt like you do at some point in life, and yeah life has it's ups and downs, even for people that are ok beeing either just male or female, for us is always a mess inside our heads, beeing one gender and wanting to be the other gender, but if you already fing a group or some one to talk about all this things, i'm glad for you,

as you i just hate body hair and more facial hair, i try laser in my chest and tummy and i must say it hurts like hell, just manage to go once after that i just shave, so i know i couldn't stand that pain in my face, but we all have diferent pain reistane so if you can handel that i'm so glad for you.

also as you i feel confused some times, i want to be a girl, but then i see my self and i'm not, and yes latelly i hve gone alot into mind games, you know just living this alternate live inside my mind and i am who i really want to be and i spend alot of time doing this, then realityt cames and i realize i'm back being a guy, we each cope with our reality in diferent ways, for some is easyer to accept we are 2 people in one body, and as such alot of times there is this conflict between the both of us.

well girl i have to go now but be strong and if you need something i'm here for you,
your Friend Sigrid..