mklinden2010
03-07-2009, 10:46 AM
After a couple of months of reading and posting, I got to noticing that topics tended to repeat themselves. That's OK, in terms of people chatting, but I became concerned about the number of "heavy" topics that kept repeating. That's probably OK too, probably... But, it saddens me that the same things keep worrying people so much. So, here goes...
Most of us began with crossdressing before we had any real idea what we were getting into... Pardon the puns. But, we tried it and liked it enough to want to keep it up. Again, pardon the puns. And, having tried something, and liked it, for the rest of of lives we've had an understandable interest, if not outright affection, for this activity. Sure, it could have been model railroading, carving duck calls, or, air hockey, but this is what we're into... And, the world has hardly come to sudden stop.
If you've read my earlier posts, I finally reached the age when the objections to what I considered pretty harmless, but personally rewarding, started to seem oppressive and stupid. I sat my wife down and explained my concerns and her first words were, "Oh... Is that what you were so worried about? I thought you were going to tell me you were gay or something!"
(As a side note, and as I have previously posted, I was a bit miffed by that... What if I had told her I was gay? Would I get points added or subtracted for that? I have never figured that out and it's decades too late to ask her now. But, later in life, I repeated this conversation with other women who offered all sorts of "solutions" to my "problem." These offers included "Sex. Right here, right now!" to, "Oh... I can help you get a guy!" Which, you know, just brought up more things to ponder. Like, "So, Miss, this turns you on? Is it the ONLY thing that turns you on? I can't do this dressing up thing EVERY night, it's expensive..." to, "A guy? I can get a guy with less trouble than this. What guy? Do you think I need help getting laid? Damn, woman! I have my pride. It just doesn't happen to be gay pride...)
She (to get back to what did happen), then proceeded to cast about for things of hers that I might like and we went shopping several times together until I had what she and I both thought any sensible person with this interest should have. Who wore which clothes was never a big issue in our marriage - which, like many, didn't last forever, for entirely different reasons.
In between my first marriage and my second, I thought I might as well use my freedom to set my own schedule to try things like going out dressed, going shopping for women's clothes on my own, trying the bar thing, etc. I had the clothes to step right into this, but no idea about make-up, conduct, etc. But, as it turned out, the world really didn't care what I did. I got some funny looks, people asked questions, and I just went on with what I had planned to do. There was no noticable impact on my job, my neighbors, my community... Nothing at all. I never pretended to be anything but a person going about their business and, since I had no real opposition, I never really thought there was any. Nothing real... Just noise.
In my second marriage, which I didn't know was going to be my second marriage, I brought this up early in our dating. My future wife's first and only heartfelt complaint was, "But, I want to be the girl!" I still laugh to think of that, though it was years ago and she's since passed away. But, even then she was definitely the "woman" in the house and it was a title she could never loose.
During our marriage we did what I thought was "the usual" shopping and I went out when I cared to; the rest of the time we spent our years together famously and CDing was, once again, not a huge issue. Oh, there were times when we both wanted the other to attend some function with them, but other than that, we just worked out our lives day-by-day and this was just one thing among hundreds in our lives that we worked into our life together.
After her death, there was a long period of mourning. And, there was also that desire - to find and establish another good relationship with someone to have a "normal" life again. People shouldn't live alone if they don't want to and most people do better in a relationship that not.
In finding a new love, there was a great deal of testing. Who knew other women had entirely different ideas about budgets, meal times, house keeping, etc., than my late wife? I was misunderstood for a while until I really starting asking questions and paying close attention to the women I was dating. Yes, I had to really work my interview skills and when red flags popped up, I had to exit those situations and move on.
The point of dating is really not sex, not long dinners and long conversations, not just finding a movie companion; it's finding someone to have a happy life with - however you and the other define happiness. Which, to me, is how you feel, not how much money there is, how many degrees you have, how long you've been in your current job. But, that's just me.
When I realized I'd come across a person I could spend a lot more time with, I realized that in part because I noticed that I had already spent a lot of time with them. And, as that relationship got closer, I realized it was time to share a bit more about myself. When she and I talked, she was taken aback for a bit, but came to me after a while and said, "Well, I was a little surprised, I still am... But, I think the relationship is worth it. So, how do we do this?"
My reply was basically, "I'm glad you said "we" because we'll have to figure out the answer to that. Everybody and every relationship is different... I have some ideas, but what were you thinking we might do?" Her reply, like my first wife's was, "Well, I think maybe we could do some shopping and figure out what you need and works for you. Probably if I can see how this works for you I can better understand how this will work for both of us." Just my luck to keep running into pragmatic partners.
Or, is it luck? When I think about it, I think it is more the way I do things than the things that I do. I can, for example, probably take off all my clothes, lather up with whipped cream, and run down the block and back at dusk while howling like a wolf and my neighbors would probably say, "Oh, there he goes again! What time is CSI tonight?"
I could probably do that because I'd have already have told them enough about myself, what I thought was a good idea, and even when - so that when I got around to it (Having sold tickets and all...) that they would not really surprised or upset. "Yeah, he says and does stuff like that all the time. No biggie."
Crossdressing is not my entire life; it's not fully front and center all the time. But, I am. I offer my political views often. I support and promote "good" causes. I help with neighborhood problems like recycling and trash pickup. I write letters to the editor about all sorts of subjects. I go over the the County Sheriff's office and put in some face time about illegal dumping and missing hi-way signs. I engage in debate and conversation openly. And, I remind people about that, "Pursuit of happiness" thing and, in funding "liberal" causes put my money where my mouth already is... They can like it or lump it because I'd rather know - now - who my enemies ARE than find out - later - who my friends will turn out NOT to be.
So, I read these posts about hiding things from wives and fearing for job losses and things like that I thank my lucky stars that I usually go with my gut when making decesions - and then I vote with my feet.
My SO, for example, was saying something one day about her family finding out and I offered, "Well, this is the life we're living and I don't mind telling them if you want to. It is what WE are doing. But, why, I wonder, would they care, really? But, if it's going to be a problem and a worry for YOU, I'll move out... Should I go look for a new place to live? We can still see each other on weekends if you want to, and, I'll miss you during the week. But, I'm not up for living a life of worry and suspense. Especially when, if they cared to, they'd be paying enough attention to have already figured this out. Trust me, if they wanted to know what we were doing, they'd ask. That they don't probably means they'd just as soon we all got along happily."
Now, I didn't mean to offend or upset her, but they don't pay my mortgage, write my paycheck, or, hold any car notes I'm paying. More than that, this is MY life. So, what do I care what they think about my past times? I "let" them hunt. I "let" them snowmobile. Actually, I don't... I just leave them alone to do what they want to on their time. Ski sports in my yard, or, hunting from my second floor balcony... That's my yard. That's my house. Not here, OK?
And, along with that, do I say anything about the cammo gear they wear all the time? The Harley t-shirts? Do I point out one is practically blind without his thick glasses or make fun of the other having someone else dress (No, not that way!) the deer he shoots? No, I just make kind noises and tell them what anyone would want to hear. Hey, if it makes 'em happy and doesn't hurt anyone... But, I do insist, along with that, "Well, to each their own. Good luck to you!" Why give them a hard time? They're good people.
So, in posting all this, I hope you see that my point is that if your life has some kinks (No puns untended) or bottlenecks in it (Don't go there either!) then you need to pay attention to what's bothering you and do something constructive about it until you get YOUR life where you want it to be.
This is not news... To change the world you live in, start with yourself. If you're not happy, if you're worried, if you feel like you need to be doing something else, then get on with doing it.
If you want a better life, you can have it. But, it's all (no pun intended) pretty much hand made.
(I said, "made," not "maid"!)
Focus people, focus...
Most of us began with crossdressing before we had any real idea what we were getting into... Pardon the puns. But, we tried it and liked it enough to want to keep it up. Again, pardon the puns. And, having tried something, and liked it, for the rest of of lives we've had an understandable interest, if not outright affection, for this activity. Sure, it could have been model railroading, carving duck calls, or, air hockey, but this is what we're into... And, the world has hardly come to sudden stop.
If you've read my earlier posts, I finally reached the age when the objections to what I considered pretty harmless, but personally rewarding, started to seem oppressive and stupid. I sat my wife down and explained my concerns and her first words were, "Oh... Is that what you were so worried about? I thought you were going to tell me you were gay or something!"
(As a side note, and as I have previously posted, I was a bit miffed by that... What if I had told her I was gay? Would I get points added or subtracted for that? I have never figured that out and it's decades too late to ask her now. But, later in life, I repeated this conversation with other women who offered all sorts of "solutions" to my "problem." These offers included "Sex. Right here, right now!" to, "Oh... I can help you get a guy!" Which, you know, just brought up more things to ponder. Like, "So, Miss, this turns you on? Is it the ONLY thing that turns you on? I can't do this dressing up thing EVERY night, it's expensive..." to, "A guy? I can get a guy with less trouble than this. What guy? Do you think I need help getting laid? Damn, woman! I have my pride. It just doesn't happen to be gay pride...)
She (to get back to what did happen), then proceeded to cast about for things of hers that I might like and we went shopping several times together until I had what she and I both thought any sensible person with this interest should have. Who wore which clothes was never a big issue in our marriage - which, like many, didn't last forever, for entirely different reasons.
In between my first marriage and my second, I thought I might as well use my freedom to set my own schedule to try things like going out dressed, going shopping for women's clothes on my own, trying the bar thing, etc. I had the clothes to step right into this, but no idea about make-up, conduct, etc. But, as it turned out, the world really didn't care what I did. I got some funny looks, people asked questions, and I just went on with what I had planned to do. There was no noticable impact on my job, my neighbors, my community... Nothing at all. I never pretended to be anything but a person going about their business and, since I had no real opposition, I never really thought there was any. Nothing real... Just noise.
In my second marriage, which I didn't know was going to be my second marriage, I brought this up early in our dating. My future wife's first and only heartfelt complaint was, "But, I want to be the girl!" I still laugh to think of that, though it was years ago and she's since passed away. But, even then she was definitely the "woman" in the house and it was a title she could never loose.
During our marriage we did what I thought was "the usual" shopping and I went out when I cared to; the rest of the time we spent our years together famously and CDing was, once again, not a huge issue. Oh, there were times when we both wanted the other to attend some function with them, but other than that, we just worked out our lives day-by-day and this was just one thing among hundreds in our lives that we worked into our life together.
After her death, there was a long period of mourning. And, there was also that desire - to find and establish another good relationship with someone to have a "normal" life again. People shouldn't live alone if they don't want to and most people do better in a relationship that not.
In finding a new love, there was a great deal of testing. Who knew other women had entirely different ideas about budgets, meal times, house keeping, etc., than my late wife? I was misunderstood for a while until I really starting asking questions and paying close attention to the women I was dating. Yes, I had to really work my interview skills and when red flags popped up, I had to exit those situations and move on.
The point of dating is really not sex, not long dinners and long conversations, not just finding a movie companion; it's finding someone to have a happy life with - however you and the other define happiness. Which, to me, is how you feel, not how much money there is, how many degrees you have, how long you've been in your current job. But, that's just me.
When I realized I'd come across a person I could spend a lot more time with, I realized that in part because I noticed that I had already spent a lot of time with them. And, as that relationship got closer, I realized it was time to share a bit more about myself. When she and I talked, she was taken aback for a bit, but came to me after a while and said, "Well, I was a little surprised, I still am... But, I think the relationship is worth it. So, how do we do this?"
My reply was basically, "I'm glad you said "we" because we'll have to figure out the answer to that. Everybody and every relationship is different... I have some ideas, but what were you thinking we might do?" Her reply, like my first wife's was, "Well, I think maybe we could do some shopping and figure out what you need and works for you. Probably if I can see how this works for you I can better understand how this will work for both of us." Just my luck to keep running into pragmatic partners.
Or, is it luck? When I think about it, I think it is more the way I do things than the things that I do. I can, for example, probably take off all my clothes, lather up with whipped cream, and run down the block and back at dusk while howling like a wolf and my neighbors would probably say, "Oh, there he goes again! What time is CSI tonight?"
I could probably do that because I'd have already have told them enough about myself, what I thought was a good idea, and even when - so that when I got around to it (Having sold tickets and all...) that they would not really surprised or upset. "Yeah, he says and does stuff like that all the time. No biggie."
Crossdressing is not my entire life; it's not fully front and center all the time. But, I am. I offer my political views often. I support and promote "good" causes. I help with neighborhood problems like recycling and trash pickup. I write letters to the editor about all sorts of subjects. I go over the the County Sheriff's office and put in some face time about illegal dumping and missing hi-way signs. I engage in debate and conversation openly. And, I remind people about that, "Pursuit of happiness" thing and, in funding "liberal" causes put my money where my mouth already is... They can like it or lump it because I'd rather know - now - who my enemies ARE than find out - later - who my friends will turn out NOT to be.
So, I read these posts about hiding things from wives and fearing for job losses and things like that I thank my lucky stars that I usually go with my gut when making decesions - and then I vote with my feet.
My SO, for example, was saying something one day about her family finding out and I offered, "Well, this is the life we're living and I don't mind telling them if you want to. It is what WE are doing. But, why, I wonder, would they care, really? But, if it's going to be a problem and a worry for YOU, I'll move out... Should I go look for a new place to live? We can still see each other on weekends if you want to, and, I'll miss you during the week. But, I'm not up for living a life of worry and suspense. Especially when, if they cared to, they'd be paying enough attention to have already figured this out. Trust me, if they wanted to know what we were doing, they'd ask. That they don't probably means they'd just as soon we all got along happily."
Now, I didn't mean to offend or upset her, but they don't pay my mortgage, write my paycheck, or, hold any car notes I'm paying. More than that, this is MY life. So, what do I care what they think about my past times? I "let" them hunt. I "let" them snowmobile. Actually, I don't... I just leave them alone to do what they want to on their time. Ski sports in my yard, or, hunting from my second floor balcony... That's my yard. That's my house. Not here, OK?
And, along with that, do I say anything about the cammo gear they wear all the time? The Harley t-shirts? Do I point out one is practically blind without his thick glasses or make fun of the other having someone else dress (No, not that way!) the deer he shoots? No, I just make kind noises and tell them what anyone would want to hear. Hey, if it makes 'em happy and doesn't hurt anyone... But, I do insist, along with that, "Well, to each their own. Good luck to you!" Why give them a hard time? They're good people.
So, in posting all this, I hope you see that my point is that if your life has some kinks (No puns untended) or bottlenecks in it (Don't go there either!) then you need to pay attention to what's bothering you and do something constructive about it until you get YOUR life where you want it to be.
This is not news... To change the world you live in, start with yourself. If you're not happy, if you're worried, if you feel like you need to be doing something else, then get on with doing it.
If you want a better life, you can have it. But, it's all (no pun intended) pretty much hand made.
(I said, "made," not "maid"!)
Focus people, focus...