OMG my wife left me!

[Jacquilynne]

You read correctly. . .my formerly accepting wife took the kids and left me with no warning! :cry:

I've been watching a quiet house since Wednesday when she left. . . and alerted me while at work by text message!! She told me a few weeks ago, a friend from out-of-town was coming to visit her on Wednesday as she had business to do in the area. She said her friend was going to take her to lunch as well. I said that was nice, have fun!

Then, about 2 hours before I was to get off work, I received a text message saying: she wouldn't be home and please do not call, she would email.

Uuh, I was shocked. . .no email. . . no call. I tried to call her several times and only voicemail. I finally received an email on Thursday saying she was up north and the kids were ok. The email also included an attached letter.

The letter was filled with dramatic language such as:


"Familiarity breeds complacency and you and I have been very complacent about what we want out of life while failing to realize we've been walking on two different paths completely diverging from one another. " And "I've lost you to another woman. Her name is your name and her face is your face".

It turns out that she wasn't accepting but tolerating the new me. . . It has been a bit different since New Years Day when I told her everything . . .I've been trying to balance my dressing but I think May have rushed things a bit and drove my family away. Now, there are more sides to this story as she too has some faults that have helped to create this lack of communication and the slow decay of our marriage. . .I won't go into all that. Just know that we both have our "demons" that have led to this end.

So here I am in a quiet 3 bedroom apt. having just lost my job on Friday. What a week!! :sad:

It gets better, my mother who lives nearby decided to call my wife and wish her a "Happy Birthday" as it was her birthday on Friday as well, but she couldn't get a hold of her so she decided to drop by and bring her gift over :eek: That's where it gets interesting, since my wife had already split , my mother got concerned after she called me and I didn't return her calls ( I was at work in a busy Automotive plant) Finally, when I was able to call her, I had to tell her about my wife leaving. Now, the family knows that my wife left me and here came the questions of why!

I told her I would talk more after work.

What was I to do I needed to answer the why questions . . .so I outed myself to my mother and told her everything about my dressing. she already knew about my wifes faults in causing the slow decay of our marriage as they have been going on for many years. but she was unaware of my dressing and she has taken it HARD! She views it as a sickness and an addiction that I must change! Saying I am selfish and lack self-esteem and if I continue will have a hard time in life -- being ridiculed and such. . . she really is not accepting at all! and wants me to seek counseling immediately. . .

I am beginning to regret even telling her but I felt it may come out eventually and was part of the reason she left. I hope this was the right thing to do.

Now, here I am wondering what to do next, I am really not sure it is possible to work this out with her due to the facts that we both have things we need to change in order to make this marriage work and even if I can manage to suppress my urge to dress. I am not sure she will change her faults to meet me. This is my biggest worry. These next few weeks will be eye opening and telling that I am sure.

I'll wrap this post up with this, we must remember sometimes it may seem our SO's are accepting but they may just be tolerating . . . hug you wife . . .love on her and please keep up the communication and make sure not to rush into dressing at a pace that goes beyond you SO's boundaries of comfort ( feel that I might have done this and that is the guilt I bear as my part of our mess). . . I'd hate to see this happen to anyone else here.

BTW -- I have been dressing 24/7 (except at work :)) since Wednesday. And I have been loving it although I do miss the chaos of the family.

[Tracii G]

It really hurts when the just up and walk out, been there.
Just go on being you thats about all you can do.
My fist wife walked out too but I kept my kids I'm thankful that she had enough sense to know I was stable and a very good Dad.
I still hate her guts just not as bad now.
I was left twice for another man that really hurts.Sounds like that is what she did to you. When they say friend it means a man no matter what they say take it from me if she did that to you you are better off without her IMO.
Be strong sis.

[Zenith]

Wow...that is some really terrible news...:sad:...make sure and keep talking to us and your personal friends...try and take care of yourself now...

[wendy68]

Im and so sorry for what has happened to you Jacie, my wife is also only tolerant and refuses to see me dressed. Its been shakey since I told her a year ago .Im doing all the things you have outlined to assure her my feelings are the same as ever but its still difficult for her to get around it. I feel like is a double edged sword situation . I cant change who I am but at the same time cant get her to see that Im the same person inside that she feel in love with. I pray that with time she will be more accepting. I just wanted you to know that whats happened to you is a frequent fear of mine and that Traci is right in saying to be strong. I wish you all the best-sincerely--wendy:hugs:

[MssHyde]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I have been down that road.

I was so dis-trot I had a heart attack over it. lost a wife of 20 years.

You take care of you! sometimes its hard to know how stress is effecting you, until its to late.

let me know if you need a shoulder.

[KandisTX]

Jacie,

I am sorry this has happened to you. I have been there, only I didn't recieve a text message, I found out when I got home to a dark house 4 days before Christmas in 2000. It turned out she felt that Kandis was more important to me than her in her eyes. That was the furthest from the truth as one could possibly get. It hurt like hell, and I suffered pain as I went through the motions of trying to live a normal life. It took me almost 5 months to completely get over the pain and accept that she was gone, I tried to reconnect with her during that time and wore myself out practically begging her to come back to me. Eventually I asked her straight up if she wanted a divorce, her answer of yes brought a calmness to me and allowed me to finally let her go.

Now, I'm not saying that you should do the same, I'm just telling you what happened to me and how I got over it. If you Love her, you should attempt to find out if there any chance of reconciliation at all. That may mean that Jacie has to go back into the closet, but it may be a way to get your family back together again.

Please keep us posted on YOUR progress as well, please take care of yourself.

Kandis:love::rose2:

[Jess_cd32]

Hey Jacie,
Wow, so much happening at once, it gives credence once again to the old adage when it rains it pours. As I've also said recently regarding that phrase, they didn't warn us about the dumptruck of more BS to follow right after.
I'm sorry all this is going on at once, thats alot to handle. Losing a job is bad enough let alone everything else going on at the same time.

Sometimes when things like this happen it seems like the end of the world for you, but hang in there. Thankfully you at least have this forum for support right now, and you'll receive alot here:)

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself regarding the cd'ing issues, they are part of us, we didn't ask to be cd's. Sounds though like you said there were alot of other issues in the marriage not working. Believe it or not, sometimes these things happen for the better in the long run from my personal experiences. Granted that advice doesn't help much at the moment though.

With your Mom, your going to have to educate her later about cd'ing, she needs to realize your not doing this by choice, there is no "cure" and its not a perversion. Most of us are really good people, so we dress female, big deal in a nutshell. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

With your wife you have to really soul search right now and see if getting back together is something you really want, chances are she won't be changing her habits, whatever they are and do you really want to stop cd'ing knowing its about impossible? Things can always be worked out with the kids to spend time with them. I'm wishing the best for you, there's alot on your plate to deal with right now.

I can totally relate to what you've said about our SO's accepting vs tolerating, thats good advice and not to be taken for granted. You did do the right thing by comming out, so did I even though it was total hell here earlier on for both of us. Try to think some positive thoughts during this, you'll make it thru this and be a better person for it.

[Rachel Morley]

BTW -- I have been dressing 24/7 (except at work :)) since Wednesday. And I have been loving it although I do miss the chaos of the family.
This last comment is what makes me think you are going to be ok. That's the difference between me and you. I just know that if anything even slightly less than perfect happens in my relationship the last thing I want to do is dress. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. "Every cloud as has a silver lining" ... and all that ..... good luck and be true to yourself.

[RobertaM]

Wow, I offer my support.

If I can offer any consolidaton; is that your story has hit a reality pill in my life.

I have recently decided to accerate my x dressing out from the bedroom only mode before.

My wife has been tolerate. But this thread lends a warning that we must find balance with our SO and not let the PINK FOG take over. My family is too important for that.

Ciao roberta

[Kayla Shadows]

:hugs: Im so sorry Jacie.You are right though,communication and giving your SO space to create their comfort zone with crossdressing is very important.Communication has to be there on both parts and feelings need to be expressed before it gets to this level.

I dont know what the right thing to say is with stuff like this.No matter what,it still hurts.I could say be strong but..you'll find your strength when you see you have no choice but to be strong.Words dont really help me.Im at war with my heart every single day.Just know I care and your feelings are shared.You may be alone but your not.Talking does help to get your feelings out.We are all here for you.Those who have lost,as one dark flame we burn. :hugs:

[Karen564]

Wow, what a week is right!!!
That is a lot to handle in just a week, and I really do feel for you, I wish you well and strength to get through these very tough times.

I had a similar situation, except it happened over a course of 6 Mo, 1st lost the job, then I started my company, then my dog got hit by a drunk, lost a good friend to cancer, and then my wife of 25 years left for good, except she left a note on my pillow to tell me, but our two little girls stayed with me for 3 years while their mother found herself, now they stay with her and we are just friends again.
But that's life sometimes, you just never know whats around the corner, but when you hang in there, you will come out of it stronger in the end.

Just take care of yourself, and hang in there..

:hugs:
Karen

[Hope]

Ugh.

People can be so unfathomably $¿|77y to each other. It boggles the mind.

She didn't even have the decency to tell you face to face? A text message? Is she in high school? Unless you were abusive (and I assume you were not) there is no excuse for that sort of behavior. That is the way children deal with relationship issues, not the way adults do. Ugh.

I BTW am completely in agreement with Tracii on this one - she has shacked up with another guy. Which works to your benefit in the divorce proceedings... but it certainly doesn't feel any better I am sure.

If you haven't done it already, you need to close your join bank account, you need to cancel any credit cards in her name, and you need to shop for divorce lawyers, you need to talk with ALL of the good ones - so that she can't hire them. And you need to do it yesterday. I realize that is not what you want to do, but if you are unemployed - you don't want to be without a savings account that she has emptied too. Seriously, protect your assets while they are still yours to protect. You might also want to hire someone to track her down and get proof of her shacking up... Don't play soft-ball with her, she is obviously not going to play soft-ball with you.

She has obviously been planning this - you need to move quickly, if it is not already too late.

[TV Wannabe]

So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.

[Emily01]

such a sad story but much that is useful to others is to be learned from it too.....i wish i could do something to make it better for you, if i could i would. please do take good care of yourself - be your best friend today.

[Shelly67]

Its hard , the loss and shock of a partnership failing can really knock the wind outta youre sails . I think in light of whats happened and how everything is now in turmoil I,d try to do one thing if you can . Calm down .Do whatever you need to , cry , shout , go punch seven bells out of a punch bag Go see youre doctor if need be . But don,t even try to make sense of the issues right now . Just gather youre thoughts ,hold onto you and try youre hardest not to worry and let things settle .Wait a bit before you attempt any kind of contact with youre wife. She too ( faults and all ) will be worried , exhausted and very emotional . Sometimes it takes a real big argument and time apart before you can truely see the wood for the trees , so to speak .
As for therapy , for goodness sake , it seems as tho thats the answear for everything . It isnt . You have no addiction , nor are you ill . Just be you , be calm in youre ways , dont be deterred , certainly dont feel guilty . One thing try to abstain from alcohol . And most of all try to eat . In times of great stress I found a good long walk very beneficial .
Perhaps my advice is,nt really fitting into youre lifestyle or ways , but theres only one truth in this horrible situation . One way or another you,ve both got to be able to communicate at some point over youre children . And for that you,ve got to be a man with a steady and firm grip on the situation .They are the ones that matter . I suggest that if it can be agreed professional marriage guidance could at least open communication . It seems as tho you both seriously need to brigde that gap . Take good care , be strong . I,ll be thinking of you and I truely wish you all the very best .

[Jennifer_Cross]

I'm with Tracii on this one... Got the tee shirt twice.

But life DOES get much better

Jen

[Lisa Golightly]

Sad :( Communication is always the key... You've kind of doubled your problems and halved them... Tell her you told your mother, that she wants you to seek therapy and ask her to participate... To air her concerns and needs. It may help to build bridges.

Lisa x

[DanaR]

Jacie,

I’m sorry to hear about your bad news. I would suggest that you try to talk to a counselor, just to help you though all that is happening. He/she might help you with a different perspective on what you are or will be going through. If you decide to go this, you might check and see if they have any experience with transgendered patients before hand.

Good luck and keep us informed on how you are doing.

[Joanne f]

OK i started reading this one and thought how sad and how devastated you must be as when it happens unexpectically like that it comes as a big shock and can knock you for six for a very long time.
But then i hear you say at the end , oh i have been dressing since wednesday 24/7 and loving it , well it is nice to see that you are happy but i must be missing something or maybe i am just built different to a lot as i would be totally screwed up.

[Carin]

Oh Jackie :hugs::hugs:

I am so sorry that you are going through this now. It is a life shattering, numbing, scary. The abruptness of it all is a double whammy. So you take it one day at a time. It IS ok to take refuge in your Self. There is a seed beneath the surface, and from that seed life will grow. Your life. This chaos will slowly move into the past. The sun will shine. When the good people on this forum said that to me this past year, I surrendered to their faith when I could not find it in myself. Day by day your strength will grow inside. Like a jigsaw first dumped from the box, one by one the important pieces will come together, and the picture will emerge.

Take care of your self along the way. Nurture your self as best as you can. Seek council when appropriate. And when you need to lean on something we are here for you.

:hugs::hugs:

[Angie G]

Sorry to hear this news of her leaving and you job loss. I hope things look up for you hun. I know you'll makeit throw this hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Monique_Lynn]

Jacie,
Sorry to hear what your going through, take things day by day, from each ending there is a new beginning, went through similer circumstances my self 15 years ago. It is important you take care of your self, the rest will fall into place.
Moni

[Barbie1970]

Sorry to here that .....Hang in there, it will be a tough road but it only will make you stronger in the long run

[Katrina]

This last comment is what makes me think you are going to be ok. That's the difference between me and you. I just know that if anything even slightly less than perfect happens in my relationship the last thing I want to do is dress. Maybe this is how it's supposed to be. "Every cloud as has a silver lining" ... and all that ..... good luck and be true to yourself.

I couldn't agree more.

[Jacquilynne]

WOW! What an outflow of support from all of you -- Its nice to know there is a place we can come to for support when we are hurting . . .AAAaaawww, I am so moved by all the wonderful comments and well wishes. Thanks so much.

Here is a little more Insight from my end.

I really do not think she has left for another man in that she took all 4 of our kids with her and one of them is a low functioning Autistic child. . . what man is going to want that burden. It still hrts that she left and I do miss them a great deal :(

More reasons for my guilt on her leaving . . .Not only was I a bit more open about my dressing . .. I felt more freedom after telling her everything and I tried to maintain a healthy balance amidst the circling "Pink Fog". I feel guilty I may have pushed the boundaries over the edge for the final time.

There always is more to the story and here adds to the disaster, MY wife has a hard time with putting her priorities in order. What I mean is that she is a fiction writer and since she started writing about 6 years ago, her characters have invaded her life to the extent that everyone else is almost second place. Sure. she gives us some time but her priorities are out- of-whack. She doesn't take care of herself that well, no makeup, no dresses, no skirts, no real feminine attitude for the most part. Also, she gets so wrapped up that often the house is left in a wreck and I have to be the one to fix the mess -- dishes in the sink, carpets a mess, laundry pled to a mountain heap, kids rooms a mess, and all -around chaos. I could go on but that is a taste of my life.

So here comes the other part of my guilt . . . When I get home and see this mess I go crazy and keep it all inside as I have tried to tell her this is a problem and she listens only for a while -- then its back to the same ol' way. I am sorry to say there are times when I get mad to the extent that I am verbally abusive to her and sometimes the older children. . .I know this is wrong! I try hard to stop this behavior but the lack of help on her part is just too much to take sometimes. And to think she has had the nerve to say that I don't help with the children! Wow that hurts.

I am guilty of pushing boundries and being verbally abusive at times . . .this is my role in the struggle I now face. . . but is this enough to leave me for. . .I have NEVER hurt the children or my wife physically and would never! Her lack of putting herself and the family in priority really drives me crazy. . .

Hope this puts more light on the story. I am wrong and guilty for my part that I know . . . Dressing seems to fill the void of having a feminine presence in my life something my wife hasn't given me in many years. . .The stress of these faults being left unchecked has only made things worse and has ultimately led to my current situation -- occupying a quiet house filled with all the memories of our lie togather.

Thanks for listening as I pour out my heart. I have realized in the last few days that I like being me . . .I like being Jacie. . .and she is a part of me that I don't think I can hide. . .but the problems that she has caused may lead to a different life for me apart from my wife and kids. For that part I am truly sad.

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

So sorry for you dear. My heart goes out to you. You have the love and support of your tg sisters. Reach out to us but don't be afraid to seek professional help too. It can be emprmously helpful to you.

All my love
Sasha Anne

[TGMarla]

Hi. Four kids? That's quite a brood. She will find that without any help, she has her hands full, and that her lifestyle will change in a way that she will not be happy with. Marriage takes hard work and compromise, love, and commitment. Without all four, they are bound to fail. Will she even speak with you? Talk is the foundation for everything. So try to talk with her and see if it's possible for you two (six) to reach a compromise that allows you all to maintain as a family. Good luck.

[Ðarissa]

Oh no, that is terrible news Jacie... so sorry to hear this and you don't deserve to have this happen. Just walking out and leaving like that is just sooo wrong.

Stay strong Jacie! You deserve better than this... :hugs:


Just go on being you thats about all you can do.Zactly! Always remember that... keep being you and stay strong. :hugs:

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

I've lost jobs, I've lost spouse but not in the same week. I feel for you.

About the separation and divorce, think the timing thru, your wife may have decided to leave you month's before she actually left. My wife left me after thinking about it for over a year, with me not knowing a thing was wrong and when she sprang it on me I was devastated. The proverbial Knife in the heart pain, real pain. I tried counseling with her which lasted about 4 or 5 sessions, at the last session she told the counselor and me that she's only coming to the counseling sessions because I need it, to make the divorce easier for me. She told me and the counselor that she thought about the divorce for a long time, made up her mind that it was the right thing, that's when she told me. The point I'm trying to make is this, sometimes the wife will decide and think about the divorce for a long time before actually doing it. When the decision to say it is done, the wife never turns back, all you can do is take care of yourself and go forward..

As far as the job loss, do what you need to do to survive. File for Unemployment benefit's, seek out a good lawyer, remember the legal ramifications of what she is doing. If you had a shared home she still needs to pay half the mortgage till the divorce, Put a marital block on credit cards, call the companies involved tell them you are separated and have a block put on the cards, so she can't charge up your credit to the max. With the lawyers help if your wife also worked you may be able to get alimony from her while you are un-employed. I will tell you bluntly that she will have her friends telling her, to get everything from you, that is possible. You need to start protecting your half of assets. Take half of your money out of all savings and checking accounts and open your own in your name only. Document on paper what the account balance was before and after. This shows the court that you left her half. As far as IRA accounts etc. document the account balance as of DOS (Date of Separation) very important. Above all have marital block put on the accounts or possibly have the accounts separated into separate accounts, one in your name only and one in her name only.

Once those things are done many of the pressures of what to do are off your shoulder and you can start the healing process. Take care of yourself etc.
As far as your children if possible seek a child support agreement with your spouse outside the system, have her sign it. Otherwise if the domestic relations system works the same as here in PA you can get hit for major support payments. If possible if you still live in the same area seek joint custody, you may not need to pay support then, especially if you have them every other week.

I know I've mentioned a lot, but it is important to hear it. I know what your going thru and if you want to talk, PM me. The pain does go away in time and if you can forgive her for her part in the divorce it will make your life easier, plus for the sake of your children it will help if you don't hate her.

Love Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[cd300]

but i have been there before 3yr ago before mothers day my actively participating wife up an left with our child for similiar reasons as your so.
she gave me the speech of how she thought she could do it and we could both be happy but she felt she could not control how far it went.. but after a month away a promise to "try to stop dressing" she came to her senses and we have managed to make it work somewhat.. i did manage to keep jessica out of the pic for a few months but as we all know she came roaring back but to my surprise it was her who realized i needed jessica back before even i did. so with many many boundries and limits we are in a somewhat fair position as far as dressing..i seem to get the feeling you really want your family back so for those reasons i would try at least to have a sit down with her and see if there are workable senerios.. if not then the others girls advice is right on and i would get cracking on making sure you are prepared for a divorce. i really hope it works for you.if you ever need to chat PM me...or you could email me look into my profile..
good luck
hugggs
jessica:hugs:

[Maria2222]

I'm so sorry Jacie. Please don't do anything rash. I know it seems impossible right now, but things will get better again.
:hugs:

[TxKimberly]

Ouch! I am SO sorry!

[Kate Lynn]

Sorry to hear you lost your family but thats the reality of being a crossdresser,we risk losing those who are most important to us.
I guess the decision is up to you,whats more important being a crossdresser or your family,yeah the choice is tough,or is it.
If she files for divorce can you imagine what it will be like if she retains a real shyster lawyer who specializes in slinging mud,is that something you want your children to experience,I know I have been there,during my divorce in 1972 the judge ordered me to undergo a psychytriac evaluation at a state mental hospital because I dressed.
I really don't know what else to say just make sure what you decide to do is right for all parties,and not just your own wants.
Sorry but thats the reality of it.

[Jacquilynne]

All the well wishes and Insight have been wonderful :)

I am going to try to see what I can do on my end to help us work things out. . .as I do miss them a whole lot! I am just uncertain that even though I choose to change that she will refuse to change what she need to in order for our relationship to be healthy.

For all her faults I feel she is equally responsible for the situation we're in now and I feel if she can't hold up her end and realize she needs to change things for our families benefit -- it won't work. She can't just have things her way and expect everything to be back to normal . . . so we'll have to see if our communication can lead to our marriage working out. At this time, I am doubtful for just as Jacie is a part of me , her novels are a big part of her and to ask her to give that up for the sake of our family is going to be a BIG task!

ONly time will tell . . .at least she's still talking to me -- that is a start but when asked to change how will she react?

Its a day to day battle. . .I'll be ok . . . Jacie will be fine!!

[donnaking]

So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.
Only one problem. They're her children too. And guess who won't be shown any mercy if she drags the cd-ing out in divorce court?


I am guilty of pushing boundries and being verbally abusive at times . . .this is my role in the struggle I now face. . . but is this enough to leave me for. . .I have NEVER hurt the children or my wife physically and would never!
Verbal abuse is almost as bad as physical abuse.


Dressing seems to fill the void of having a feminine presence in my life something my wife hasn't given me in many years.
Come on, that sounds like you're making an excuse.

[Shelly67]

You've accepted that between you there is a torrent of hard work being parents to four children ( one with special needs ) and a lifestyle that needs addressing. I,m not surprised things have come to a head . All in all like I previously typed I think you both need to bridge that communication divide that has left you both uncertain of youre futures . Crossdressing may have been the icing on the cake , it could have easily been alcohol , drugs , gambling , but I think the bigger picture is you both probably need a little time to cool down , take a step back and then try to discover why you became a partnership in the first place . Find it , nurture it , fight for it to blossom and go from there . In todays society its all to easy to slip into a rut , then boom , we explode . I also consider in such times we become angst , angry , fearful , the fight or flight response engages and we simply cannot take it anymore . A trained guidance specialist will help you in matters of communication and reconciliation should you wish to pursue it . Its up to you . i keep reading the word divorce . You gotta ask yourself is that what you really want ?
On the other hand , between you can you both decide if the fights worth it , or walk away ..seperatley ? Remember , if this is the case only the lawyer will win . So its up to you both and I will say this ... if you dont try at least once , you,ll never know if it was worth it ..............I hope you can find the strength to chase after the family you,ve both made .
For now its time to cool right down , and then try to at least talk . I,m certain youre wife is feeling very much alone and frightened right now . Just like you are . I also think if the chance arises to talk openly put the dressing to bed for awhile and concentrate on what really matters - youre children.
Good luck.

[Brina Halloween]

I hope it works out for you. Verbal yelling, screaming etc. are abuse. At least you realize it. One thought about the house and her writing, it sounds like a stay-at-home type job but she is still expected to do housework. If the two of you get back together, think of her as working a full-time job as if not in the house and then figure out the housework. If I worked from home, I would need a separate office room that I walked into and the rest of the house was off-limits or I would never accomplish much. :2c:

Brian

[docrobbysherry]

Your life is a mess rite now! An experienced proffesional can help u organise your thots and priorities! Hopefully, u can get your SO in for help also.

It sounds like the only way for your marriage is to survive, is for u both to get counseling, and make compromises willingly. This DOES happen on rare occassions. But, if nothing else, counseling will help u survive thru your separation, and/or divorce. It HELPED ME A LOT! Thru mine!:eek:

As always, your marital problems r NOT caused by your CDing. It is simply the "icing on the cake", of your problems!

Hope u can find your way thru this ASAP!:straightface:

[AKAMichelle]

Many of us have been here before. It doesn't make it any easier to hear or to cope knowing others have gone before you. We all wish you our support and prayers for comfort.

Now that this has happened, you need to get perspective. Come up with a plan of action not sitting on the couch crying. So I have come up with a list of priorties which might you get focus and you back on the saddle. :D

1) Find your kids and let them know you are still their father and comfort them.
2) Work out some sort of peaceful dissolution of your marriage. Especially since your wife has chosen to run off, it is probably causing a lot of emotional chaos for your kids.
3) Start finding a job
4) Clean up the apartment

I know the list sounds kind of cold, but a list helps you regain control over your life. I hope this helps in some way as it was sent with love. When I went through my downward spiral, I never made a list and as a result blew around in the wind for way too long. Hopefully you will avoid that end and get yourself back on track much sooner.

Good Luck

[Jess_cd32]

I agree 100% with cancelling or putting blocks on the CC's, especially now that you've lost your income. If it wasn't for the kids involded I'd say this was a blessing in disquise, and thats considering her side of the story as well, (as you told it) she's not happy in the relationship either with alot of things.

As for yelling at the kids, I assume you came home and tell them help out here, clean up this mess, your old enough to know how to take care of yourselves. Nothing wrong with that, all kids get yelled at, just keep it within reason and not hurtfull comments.

Leaving the way she did as one said, was very immature and cold, a text message:brolleyes: Hope all works out for you, especially for the kids sake.
You may want to really think if this does go to divorce court trying to get sole custody, that or pay pay pay the rest of your life as you live in a one room shanty to afford the support. These courts go way overboard sometimes with that issue, I've seen the aftermath of guys living in their car to survive afterwards and make those payments.

[Laura_Stephens]

Jacie, I wish I had some words of advice to help, but I don't. I have never experienced what you have and can't fathom what you are going through. I will, however, keep you in my prayers.

[LilSissyStevie]

At least she left you some stuff. :) When my first wife left me I came home one day to a completely empty house except for my personal belongings. She took every fork and even the toilet paper. There was no note and I didn't know where my kids were. She had maxed out the credit cards and emptied the bank accounts. It turned out that she had stopped paying the bills and was pocketing the money. What followed was divorce, child custody battle, bankruptcy, foreclosure, etc. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. :D BTW, CDing had nothing to do with our break-up. She just needed to get in touch with her inner meth addict.

A year or so later I had a nice new house and new furniture, custody of our daughters, no bills, and a nut-job of a new girlfriend (OK, you can't win them all!) and it's only gotten better since that day 19 years ago. I wouldn't trade the worst part of my life today for the best part of my life then. I know it seems bleak now but keep an open mind to the possibility that this could ultimately turn out wonderful for you. But first there will be some pain. :sad:

[kristinacd55]

Wow Jacie, what an eye opener! Every one of us has a different story and circumstances to deal with & you don't know someone else's until it's brought out on the pages here.

[Laura_BF.]

Well basicly what you should do is ask yourself one question , after you told her and she "accepted" you , did you see this coming? I mean if you didn't (which is kind of obvious to spot what someones feeling , from the way they treat you / atmosphere at home) then I don't think it's your fault , because if she really did not like , she should've told you to stop , but she didn't , I don't want to be an ass here , but I think there is something else that doesnt have to do with you , maybe she was planning something , im not sure , anyways i'm really sorry about what happend I hope things work out for you. stay strong sis.

[Laura Evans]

Oh, Jacie, I am so sorry to hear what happened and how. That really hurts. Life does go on and it will with or without her. The children are the ones you need to protect, do not bring them into the fray that may occur down the road. Stay involved in their lives as much as possible and unless they already know I would not bring up Jacie or expose them to her until they are much older and can understand. With any new relationship you develop I would let them know early in the relationship, before it becomes too serious, about Jacie and accept what ever consequence it may cause. This from someone who has been there. My heart goes out to you don't hesitate if you need someone's shoulders to cry on or just to vent.:love:

[darla_g]

Jacie, i have no advice that i can give. You probably dont need that anyway. I hope it all works out for you in a satisfactory manner.

[Tal'Aura]

Jolan Tru,

What a terrible story. I am really sorry to hear that. Just one more proof that life sucks. I hope you will overcome this as soon as possible.

[Mary Morgan]

Jacie, I can only imagine how painful this is for you, and how badly you would like it to all go away. Life doesn't seem to work that way and it is best to look forward and not back. I would recommend couples counselling and a complete airing of issues by both of you. If it works great, it not you tried. As for your Mom, she is most likely upset about the split and looking for ways to restore your marriage if for no other reason than her grandchildren. Just be thoughtful and try not to be angry. It will work out.

[Melinda G]

This should be a wakeup call, for all those who argue that honesty is the best policy. I have seen many dozens of stories like this, in the several years I have been on this forum. As I've posted many times, for every wife or SO who is "OK with it", a dozen are not. And for all of you who think your wives or SOs are OK with it, they may be just biding their time, until they can sort things out, and make other plans. Women rarely announce their plans in advance, like "Well I'll be leaving in a few months or years, as soon as I can find a better deal". They usually leave first, and let you know, after they are safely gone! And all those who advocate "coming out" and "honesty is the best policy", are strangely quiet on threads like this one.

[KellyCD]

This should be a wakeup call, for all those who argue that honesty is the best policy. I have seen many dozens of stories like this, in the several years I have been on this forum. As I've posted many times, for every wife or SO who is "OK with it", a dozen are not. And for all of you who think your wives or SOs are OK with it, they may be just biding their time, until they can sort things out, and make other plans. Women rarely announce their plans in advance, like "Well I'll be leaving in a few months or years, as soon as I can find a better deal". They usually leave first, and let you know, after they are safely gone! And all those who advocate "coming out" and "honesty is the best policy", are strangely quiet on threads like this one.

I second that whole heartily. But even some such as my ex-wife who was "ok with it" arn't. I'm biting my tongue so hard right now not to vent in this thread...

Regardless, you have my sympathy and the love of another sister here.

[Celeste]

Jacie,Don't let it get you down all at once,just tackle one problem at a time.It sounds like employment and self survival need to be tops right now,then you won't be in a predicament with future child support.You can't change others perceptions of you,so don't crucify yourself over it,just step up to the plate and do what you can to best provide for your kids.Get together with an attorney so he can help you decide where you stand and what rights you have.You deserve the right to see your children.

[kellycan27]

Personally I still believe that honesty is the best policy. This person may have gotten the shaft for his honesty, but at the end of the day he could still face himself in the mirror. Lies and deciet, and this is my own personal opinion, lies and deciet have no place in a loving caring relationship. I am not going to sit here and preach about what others do, whether I agree or not. I haven't walked in their shoes. I don't know their circumstance.
But for me honesty and integrity are core values. No one can take my integrity, if I lose it it's because I gave it away. If I lie or am dishonest I diminish myself. I am not perfect and don't claim to be, nor do I judge others by my standards. it's just how I feel and how i try and live in this crazy world.


So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.

Hold on there, let's slow this train down a bit. The children have not been kidnapped. The mother is free to take them wherever she chooses as there has been no court decree saying otherwise. Unless of course she wishes to take them out of the county. If that were the case I do believe that she would in fact need the father's permission.
I am not an expert, but I did stay the night in a Holiday Inn Express. LOL

[Ronni Seymour]

I'm so sorry, Jacie. I just want you to know that I can empathize with you. I hope, eventually, you can work things out with your wife. Please feel free to PM me if you need. I'm here to lend what little support I can.

[Jacquilynne]

Again, you all have been so supportive and I do appreciate it :)

I miss them badly :( and it does hurt, ALOT!!
I've been sitting in quiet house surrounded by memories and toys and all the stuff we've collected for almost 12 years and it just hurts. . .*sob* I wish I could do something to change it back this minute but I know its not possible and that is so depressing . . .

:(

I feel she may have left for good :( As I have tried to talk with her and express not only my need for councelling but also asked that she be open to change as well . . . I asked that we remove the computers from the house until we get the priorities in our relationship squared away . . .and she just rebelled and called me a "petty dictator" and said I was trying to ruin her livelyhood! *sigh* She started yelling at me and hung up the phone. We need to work things out, this I know but I don't want to be the only one changing just to satisfy her and see her just going on like I was the only one at fault. I think she is equally responsible for the condition of our marriage and it is not just me or Jacie that is the root cause of our problems. This is like someone else said "just the icing on the cake". or the final straw!

I feel she is not ready to change and If I just give in I am enabling her and allowing her to remain in a state that I feel is wrong . . . her writing which she says she is trying to make a career out of I feel has taken priority to her family's health and the health of our relationship but she still doesn't see it yet . . . she is still blaming me as the root cause of our decaying relationship. She wants me to change but at the same time I think she understands this may be very difficult as she knows that Jacie is a part of me . . .and has been kept inside for a very long time,

Am I wrong? I understand my faults -- yelling and verbal abuse done to try to motivate and and force the children to do their part in helping restore order to a messy house was wrong in every case! I understand this occurred due to pent up anger and stress on my part having to constantly be the "mother" after work in order to restore order so I could relax. . . We are definitely different in personality and have struggled to this end from the beginning, it has gotten worse as her writing has increased and her life has become busy. I feel she is overwhelmed and doesn't know how to cope with this and keep her writing career on track at the same time.

I am struggling with this whole matter . . .I have her wanting me to change to get her husband back and I have my family wanting me to change from what they are calling an "addiction" or a "sickness" .. Everyone around me is wanting me to bury Jacie and that is what I am struggling with as I sit here "dressed" while writing this post . . . I am Jacie . . . I am Jason . . . I'm me and that is the truth. I feel so good as Jacie that I cannot bear to bury her :( *sob* but yet I miss my kids as well!

I sit here looking at their clothes and toys and am truly saddened that I cannot give them a hug or kiss, tickle them or just look into their eyes and tell them that I love them. I can't kiss my wife and tell her how much I love her and ask her about her day or just talk about whatever she is doing. . .they age gone! *sob*

Yes I am stuck here in this quiet house and just can't bear the sound of this silence. I am truly a mess!!

Thank you for the direction . . .I understand there are things I must do to keep myself afloat amidst the feelings of loss and sadness and will be working to that end starting tomorrow . . .I was just taking some time to feel all this out and get my bearing on the direction I should go. . .I now know I must take care of myself first in order to provide for my kids in the future . . .times will be hard and I am sure I will be the brunt of the hardship as her family is very vindictive and protective of their own . . .they are Sicilians and I know I should be prepared for the worst. Who knows what they are saying about me now. . .

I will end this for now just know that I am truly grateful for all the well wishes. . . I hope something from my little ol situation will help someone else :)

Feel free to contact me through MSN messanger i you'd like . . . you all have been so thoughtful.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

http://divorcecare.com I went to this group while I was going thru my divorce, it covers every aspect of divorce and also covers reconciliation. It's run at different churches, you don't need to join the church or even go, but it covers lots of stuff. Very worthwhile to look into it. It will help you deal with the pain and the questions why.

Another word of advice is to talk with everyone about your wife leaving, its very carthartic, you realize very quickly that you are not the only one to be experiencing this. You'll find that this happens far to often. When I was initially going thru my divorce I told no one but my mother, at work I was useless, I cried in my office, couldn't function. After 2 months I told someone at work and I had so much support from others that the pain started going away, simply thru talking with others. If you need to talk real time email me and I can call on my dime.

Take care of yourself Jacie and know your wife's leaving has nothing to do with your dressing, it sounds like there is more to it than that. Some of what you said in your posts seems so much like some of what I experienced.
Kimberly :battingeyelashes:

[paulaN]

I have just gone through a divorce. My situation is very close to yours. Except my kids were grown. You have gotten some good advice here and some bad. You have a lot of work ahead of you, you are in for one hell of a roll-a-coaster ride. That my friend I am sure of. I am also sure that it will take a long time for it to stop or at least slow down. Some days you will be happy, then like a ton of bricks you will be so sad you can't stand it. You are going to have to make a lot of decisions. Take you time and think things through. You may think that you are mentally fine but you are not. And you wont be for some time. Just do the best you can with what you have and do not turn to the bottle. That is not the answer. Trust me on that one. Take a deep breath and say little prayers. The serenity prayer helped me a lot and I mean a lot. Because it is so true. if you wish I will send it to you. pm me any time love paulaN

[beenherelongtime]

having gone through the pain of divorce and the separation from my children, i can imagine what you are going through right now. i can only tell you to try to control your emotions and don't let things get out of hand. hard to do i know. good luck to you and best wishes.

[PretzelGirl]

Jacie - There is a lot of good advice. The one thing I want to add is to be careful with your decisions. You have a lot of emotions flowing and it can make it hard to think through things well. If something comes up and you don't have to deal with it, then don't! Stick with what is important. I know you have already come out to your mother, but I would recommend that you stop there. You have decided not to tell anyone during gentler times, so trust that thought process.

So please take care of yourself. You are worth it and you need to be there for yourself. Then think about what is best for your kids. Everyone else can take care of themselves, but you are the only one there for you and the kids, so concentrate on that.

Best of luck to you. This won't be an easy road but trust in yourself and your inner strength. :hugs:

[Jacquilynne]

I am beginning to wonder if outing myself to my mother was such a good thing :eek:

I guess it was a moment of insanity or raw emotion. . .I was feeling guilty as that seemed to be a part of the reason she left -- or the most recent reason . . .I have been hard on our oldest child in the past and have in my wifes eyes been verbally abusive to both her and the children . As I have shared, she is at fault for some things that over the years may have led to our decaying relationship as well. But, Jacie has made it easier for her to "escape" and I feel the full guilt of this burden. and it hurts.

So in order to fully answer my mothers questions of why she left I had to "out myself" in order to clear my conscience and fill in the story of why she left and took the children with her. My mother was already aware of the past problems we have been having in our marriage for many years -- she's seen our struggles first hand so she knows that it is not just me that is at fault. This was just the last straw.

I just wonder if telling her was such a good thing. . . because now she thinks i'm sick and need to be cured of my addiction to "dressing like a woman". How can I tell her Jacie is a part of me and not just something that can be curable? like my wife correctly said:

"her face is my face."

I can put her stuff in a box for a time but that box will always be there and Jacie will always be with me . . and she will be harder to suppress now that I have been out and tasted freedom. . . and enjoyed it!

I say all this as I'm struggling what to do . . .it'd be nice to get them back but at what cost and I am not sure I could keep Jacie buried forever. . . this is my new struggle!

[marny]

call the cops!

[Diane Elizabeth]

As everyone else has stated. I am so sorry for your situation. It is so regrettable that this happens. the children are the ones to pay the most terrible price in the long run. No matter who is at fault or how amicable it turns out. We (the members of this site) are here to support you in anyway that we can. Unfortunately it may not be enough from me since I am no where near your area. But my thoughts and prayers will be for all involved. I have been through it twice with kids caught in the crossfire. Good Luck. Hope you can weather the storm that is coming.

[txrobinm]

Jacie, my heart goes out to you right now.

I haven't been through a separation, so I have nothing to say on that that hasn't already been said by others here. However, I am married to a creative over-achiever, and know that balance can be hard to attain (speaking of myself equally with my partner). You need time for Jason AND Jacie; she needs time to write; you both need time with the kids and each other. Remember, when people are 80 and looking back, you never hear them say "well, I wish I had kept the house neater." The relationships are what matter, and hopefully Jacie helps you be a better husband, father, and person to whom people want to relate to in either mode (as evidenced by the outpouring of support here on the forum).

Keep trying to communicate and be helpful, and stick to the moral high-road (including, of course, being true to yourself, i.e. Jacie).

I wish you peace and clarity of thought and purpose-
~~Robin

PS- read up on Jung's anima theory of alternate personas created by our minds to fulfill needs that society scoffs at- some days I feel that I'm integrating Robin well into my everyday existence (in male mode) and I don't have an urge to CD. It well help with Mom, too.

[Sally2005]

Sometimes life sucks! Then it gets worse. It sounds like you and your wife still care about each other because the whole situation is dramatic...she wants to get your attention. Instead of making any concessions, what you need to do is get talking...maybe do counciling together, do some things that you both like, etc. etc. Don't try to change her, just find a different solution (hire a maid?). Then, since you are not trying to change her, she should learn to understand not to try to change you too. Best of luck.

[ReineD]

There always is more to the story and here adds to the disaster, MY wife has a hard time with putting her priorities in order. Sure. she gives us some time but her priorities are out- of-whack. She doesn't take care of herself that well, no makeup, no dresses, no skirts, no real feminine attitude for the most part. Also, she gets so wrapped up that often the house is left in a wreck and I have to be the one to fix the mess -- dishes in the sink, carpets a mess, laundry pled to a mountain heap, kids rooms a mess, and all -around chaos. I could go on but that is a taste of my life.

So here comes the other part of my guilt . . . When I get home and see this mess I go crazy and keep it all inside as I have tried to tell her this is a problem and she listens only for a while -- then its back to the same ol' way. I am sorry to say there are times when I get mad to the extent that I am verbally abusive to her and sometimes the older children. . .I know this is wrong! I try hard to stop this behavior but the lack of help on her part is just too much to take sometimes. And to think she has had the nerve to say that I don't help with the children! Wow that hurts.

I'm sorry for all of you, Jacie. You and you wife, and your children.

It does take 2 people to make a marriage work and to break it apart. I know. I've been through it. In my view, unless there has been abusive behavior, both partners are equally responsible. The biggest problem is being unable to work through having unrealistic expectations of each other.

I wish you all the best and I hope your divorce will be amicable, for the sake of your kids. I also hope they will see both of you equally. They still need you both.
:love:

[Kelsy]

So sorry to hear of your trouble Jacie. Please remember "this to shall pass"
Stay well!

Kelsy:hugs:

[donnaking]

I am struggling with this whole matter . . .I have her wanting me to change to get her husband back and I have my family wanting me to change from what they are calling an "addiction" or a "sickness" .. Everyone around me is wanting me to bury Jacie and that is what I am struggling with as I sit here "dressed" while writing this post . . . I am Jacie . . . I am Jason . . . I'm me and that is the truth. I feel so good as Jacie that I cannot bear to bury her *sob* but yet I miss my kids as well!

The fact that you're cd-ed while you're writing this post says something to me. Sometimes life is about priorities. Sometimes you can't always have what you want, if you want something else. I think you have to make a choice about what your true priority is - crossdressing or your family.

[Jacquilynne]

Donna,

I trust you did read the beginning part of what you quoted. I am struggling with this whole matter . . .Yes I do want them back and there will have to be sacrifices on both ends . . . I am just not certain how things will be worked out yet.

Pouring salt into an open wound is definately not something I need right now . . . I do understand that I may have to "closet" my dressing in order to get them back . . .I just pray that she is willing to change her part in this whole relationship.

I was writing while "dressed" as Jacie is still a part of me and I feel more at peace as Jacie during this tough time -- If that is wrong? then what do you suggest I do to cope!

[boardpuppy]

I can empisize with your situation. Although my SO didn't move out (I got movement orders instead) the termoral/feeling were the same. There is a lot of good advise and some exsteam, you need to identify/list all items that apply to you and your situation and start doing something about them. As far as counceling, get going know, either way (diveorce/reconcilation) it is determintal to you (emotional well being) or getting your kids (court custody issue). NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, the kids need the best protection/care possible. As far as your mother, sorry for being burtal but tell her to bug off. The time for her imposing (teaching) her views is over and you have to live with your decisions. Sorry for being so blunt, pick yourself up by your bootstraps if needbe and move on. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, it does hurt (deviorce/reconciliation) but the kids need a functional family (you and/or you and SO if possible) to provide the best protection/care possible. If needed you can PM me, I have a big shoulder.

Hugs
Alice

[donnaking]

Pouring salt into an open wound is definately not something I need right now . . . I do understand that I may have to "closet" my dressing in order to get them back . . .I just pray that she is willing to change her part in this whole relationship.

I was writing while "dressed" as Jacie is still a part of me and I feel more at peace as Jacie during this tough time -- If that is wrong? then what do you suggest I do to cope!

This isn't about "pouring salt into an open wound". It's about trying to help someone with reasonable advice. Maybe you're not able to realistically see from her perspective, what's gone down here.
I've been thru a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. When my wife first left I was so devastated I couldn't even think, much less think about cd-ing. You keep saying "Jacie is still a part of me", well that's fine, maybe that's what you really want more than anything. If that's what you really want - go for it.
I'm not judging you. But it sounds you need to make a choice.

Maybe your Mom was right. It really wouldn't hurt to see a counselor.

["Mary"]

Hey Jacie, So sorry to hear about all the trouble that has come your way last week. Looks like you've got lots of good thoughts, ideas for consideration, etc. So, I'll just add that I'm thinking of you and will pray for things to work out for you.

[Kelli Michelle]

The fact that you're cd-ed while you're writing this post says something to me. Sometimes life is about priorities. Sometimes you can't always have what you want, if you want something else. I think you have to make a choice about what your true priority is - crossdressing or your family.

This simplistic stance always gets me (no disrespect intended Donna), Yes, we could almost always save a marriage by quitting. So are the two choices quit something (which the vast majority can't) or lose your family? Wow, how easy does that sound? Just do it Jacie, no problem.

Seriously, that is one answer, if you can do it. Only you can decide that. What is the point, though, of getting the wife and family back, claiming that you have quit, when you know that more than likely, you will dress again? I guess you could try and keep it in the closet, but then you are being dishonest, which as well all know, is even worse.

If you can get to counseling with her, it may be possible to come to some compromise. If, however, she wants no counseling for herself, and only wants it for you, than i believe you will have an ongoing problem. The good news is, that over time, some wives will begin to learn more about the issue, and actually come to terms with it, and make compromises in the name of love.

I would just keep trying to work for reconciliation, if that's what you want. It's a very sad thing for a family to split. So I hope you two can work it out. Hang in there. Divorce happens to many people (I know that doesn't help) for a great many reasons. People do get through it, and so shall you if it happens. Be strong, be patient, and look after yourself.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

JACIE - I feel so sorry for you, Sister. It looks like your whole world has

caved in on you in the last week. I wish that your Spouse and your Mother

were well versed in Crossdressing - we are not crazy - we are not monsters -

we did not ask to be born this way - we did not wake up one day and

announce to the world, "I think I'll be a Crossdresser the rest of my life."

We are human beings who have more than our share of grief, shame, guilt,

misunderstanding, secrecy, loneliness, anxiety, depression, humiliation - no

one particularly likes us - and yet this is something innate within us and we

have no one to talk with, and no one to cry with, and we long so much for

someone to love us as we are - and yet, most of society, our families, our

children, our spouses, our friends can't and don't even want to take time to

try to understand the gurting that we endure.

I'm so sorry to hear that your Spouse left and your mother wants you to go

to counseling - don't they know that we cannot ever do away with or stop

crossdressing ! It is part of us - who we are and will always be.

I just don't know whatelse to say except that I love you as my sister and

always will.


JoAnne Wheeler

[maggiecdva]

Jacie - It must be rough to all the sudden loose a family like this. Perhaps time will at least let you share in the life of your children.

The most important thing to know is that you must be true to yourself. It took cancer to make me realize this. I am still battling the dreaded C but I am not happy with my CDing self.

hugs and warm wishes - Maggie

[JulieC]

So I think I would call the police because she kidnapped your children. Divorce her and show no mercy.

I concur with this, and despite a later poster's comment that the court would rake you (the OP) over the coals over CDing when it comes out in court, it's a necessary step. Whether you call the police, or file a motion with the court, or what have you, this is a needed step. Consider; you've told us your wife has essentially emotionally abandoned you and your family. Do you really want your kids growing up in that environment? Especially the special needs child?????


As far as the job loss, do what you need to do to survive. File for Unemployment benefit's, seek out a good lawyer, remember the legal ramifications of what she is doing. If you had a shared home she still needs to pay half the mortgage till the divorce, Put a marital block on credit cards, call the companies involved tell them you are separated and have a block put on the cards, so she can't charge up your credit to the max. With the lawyers help if your wife also worked you may be able to get alimony from her while you are un-employed. I will tell you bluntly that she will have her friends telling her, to get everything from you, that is possible. You need to start protecting your half of assets. Take half of your money out of all savings and checking accounts and open your own in your name only. Document on paper what the account balance was before and after. This shows the court that you left her half. As far as IRA accounts etc. document the account balance as of DOS (Date of Separation) very important. Above all have marital block put on the accounts or possibly have the accounts separated into separate accounts, one in your name only and one in her name only.

What Kimberly says here is very important. If you're not careful, your wife could seriously screw your kids over without even realizing it, not to mention what it will do to you.

You've got a LOT of footwork to do right now. Get busy. Plus, finding a job is now your full time job.

As painful as this all is (and yes, what you are going through is excruciating) you've got to keep your head together and FOCUS.


I just wonder if telling her was such a good thing. . . because now she thinks i'm sick and need to be cured of my addiction to "dressing like a woman". How can I tell her Jacie is a part of me and not just something that can be curable?

You can't. You could, but she won't accept. At least, not on your terms or time line. You've put it out to her. It's up to her to do something with it, and she's decided you're sick.

For now, your mother's opinions about you are the least of your troubles. Start working on protecting your kids and yourself.


I say all this as I'm struggling what to do . . .it'd be nice to get them back but at what cost and I am not sure I could keep Jacie buried forever. . . this is my new struggle!

Separate crossdressing from your troubles. You've zoomed in on crossdressing as the fountain of your troubles. It isn't. Your wife will use it against you in court, but it's readily defeatable by any good lawyer. What you do is not illegal, and doesn't make you a bad parent any more than having sex in unusual positions. Your kids aren't privy to your crossdressing and it does not impinge on your ability to be a good father. A good lawyer can rake your wife's lawyer over the coals on that. Demand they produce documentation showing any connection whatsoever to being a bad father and crossdressing.


I was writing while "dressed" as Jacie is still a part of me and I feel more at peace as Jacie during this tough time -- If that is wrong? then what do you suggest I do to cope!

It isn't wrong. I'm seeing a recurring trend in your writings. You're viewing crossdressing as sick and wrong yourself. STOP IT. What is sick and wrong is a mother with four kids abandoning her husband and their father via text messaging, a mother who can barely take care of herself much less a special needs child. She is acting grossly selfish and is not acting in the best interests of the children.

[Jacquilynne]

This isn't about "pouring salt into an open wound". It's about trying to help someone with reasonable advice. Maybe you're not able to realistically see from her perspective, what's gone down here.
I've been thru a divorce after 20 yrs of marriage. When my wife first left I was so devastated I couldn't even think, much less think about cd-ing. You keep saying "Jacie is still a part of me", well that's fine, maybe that's what you really want more than anything. If that's what you really want - go for it.
I'm not judging you. But it sounds you need to make a choice.

Maybe your Mom was right. It really wouldn't hurt to see a counselor.

Donna,

I am sorry, I do understand you are just trying to help. And I do understand from her perspective . . .she just wants her husband back . . . completely! She wants me to change and wants everything back to the way it was . . . however, she fails to see her part in the cause of our marital decay. She IS equally to blame as she too has changed her priorities from her family to her Novel writing and helped to cause this division -- yet she doesn't see it! To her, I am the only one at fault and that is just not so. She claims that I am the abusive "petty dictator that is trying to ruin her livelyhood". This being said, I feel that if I do promise to change and go to counseling, she will still continue on her current path . This is what is troubling me about the whole mess. Finally, I have put my foot down and now I am beginning to wonder if reconciliation will even work :(

Do we need counseling . . .yes. but since she is hundreds of miles away it is impossible to say if she will even attempt to get good counsel. But apart from that even for me, I have recently lost my job as well so it is impossible for me to afford professional counseling at this time -- I'd go if I could but sadly I am stuck!

You keep saying "Jacie is still a part of me", well that's fine, maybe that's what you really want more than anything. I guess for me it is a little different I don't see my being dressed en femme as a "hobby", For me, its not like an on/off switch. And maybe that is part of the problem . . . I have changed my whole attitude and not just my clothing. My femme clothing is just the outward expression of my inner self and that is how I live each day! I have changed over my clothing in order to show how I truly feel inside and that is something that doesn't get switched on or off -- it is now me!

It is difficult to handle and I do think the stress of this change may have been too great for her to bear and for that I am guilty but as I stated she has faults of her own and those faults may have made it easier for me to latch on to my femme self and my own exploration to this end has now helped to create this mess.

I bear the guilt of this entirely on my shoulders and It hurts me deeply to know that I may have driven the final stake into our alredy fragile marriage.

I am soo hurt and depressed :(

[Jacquilynne]

Julie,

thanks for the great insight I do appreciate it a bunch. . . I just feel terribly responsible for my role in her leaving :(

[SherylynJade]

Just so you know, this transplanted Carolina Girl (Spartanburg born, Greer Raised) has you in her thoughts and prayers. It's a terrible thing that has happened.
Other than the kids and being married, something similar happened to me a few years ago. My last fiancee left me, stole a ton of my stuff, including pets, and claimed it was all because of my dressing. She also wasn't blameless in the troubles in our relationship. She called me while I was at work to say she was staying with a friend a few days, and when it came time to come home, she never did, worried me sick until I found out where she was. She then tried to tell me she wanted to talk about everything the next day when I got home from work. When I did get home the next day, she wasn't there, nor was a lot of my stuff. Though we communicated a few times over the next few days, we never saw each other again. I look back at it now as a blessing and wouldn't have changed anything, except maybe I should have ended it sooner like I had thought about several times, but even that I wonder if I'd change.

[JulieC]

I just feel terribly responsible for my role in her leaving :(

You absolutely have a role in her leaving. Else, she wouldn't have left. That doesn't mean all the problems are on your side.

When something very bad happens, it's important to step back and try to figure out what went wrong so you don't do it again. In microcasm, this is how you learn to ride a bike. You crash, you kinda figure out why you crashed, and you try again. If you didn't figure it out quite right, you'll crash again...and again...and again until you get it right :)

In situations such as this, figuring out what went wrong can give you the basis for how to build back what's been knocked down.

I'm no marriage counselor, but it appears to me a starting point is figuring out what went wrong, and trying to build an environment that your wife wants to live in. That doesn't mean you have to give up on everything you are to do that.

[linnea]

I'm so sorry to read about your situation. It's very, very sad. I wish that I could help.

[carolinoakland]

Ok,first off. Stop. Breathe. You are a decent human being and don't deserve to be mistreated. And you don't deserve this as the price of being you. It hurts to see you write that the hurt, and anger is deserved for not being the person she thought you where. You don't. And step back and notice that everone, the wife, the mom, talk about this in terms of what it's doing to 'them', and destroying 'their' lives. I think a little of what the mom is about is the love any parent would have being confronted with a choice a child has made knowing that it will be hard and painful, and no parent wants that. To see or know their child is going to suffer. And even with all this... you've never been happier in your skin have you? I remeber once when I realized that at long last I WAS happy, and that if the price of that happiness was that I would be alone.... then it was worth it, happy can trump anything. Miserable is suicide on the instalment plan. I think that you should change your screen name from jacie2b to jacieIS. add the new last name.... happy. A little more truth in advertising. Hearts and hugs in your karma now, it's on it's way. Carol

[CharleneT]

Jacie,

Please do a couple of things. Check with the local community mental health folks, there may be free services available to you. Two: get a lawyer. I'm not saying the marriage is finished, but when you are in the "surprised" position, the shock can cause you to not defend yourself well enough. I know this from having done it years ago. Again, there may be legal services available at no (or very low) charges.

Good luck to you !

Charlene

[Brina Halloween]

At this point, a couple items need addressed for sure regardless of anything elser.

Change the locks or have the landlord do it. You could suddenly have an empty house....more so than you realize and including what is yors.

Make sure your share of the money is safely in ONLY your name.

I suspect any meetings should have people you trust present at first. You don't need any biased stories to hurt you later.

Make her play fair, your more likely to get an actual audience. I get the feeling that you will not be given a chance though or be listened to if you do talk to her..

My :2c: at this point from what I'm reading. No first hand experience, just observations of things I've seen.

[tammie]

Hi Everyone:

As others have said be careful of what U say and to whom.

If and when she calls U should have a recording devise on your phone.

Do get some councilling (of record) and as pointed out close any joint CCs, checking accounts, and savings accounts.

Then be ready to make nice, but be prepared for a full on assault.

Last remember that U R in a bad place, (wounded so to speak).

Since she will make CDing an issue remember its not like raping babies, its a "clothing choice" only and not against the law at all any where.

As far as your mom goes she is only seeing it as a perversion and will not understand anything except her grandkids R gone
and she may well blame U for it.

There is one more thing I would advise U of, and that is when one spouse is being irresponsible IE running off with the kids and leaving a text MS

They will amplify the slightest misdemeanor into deal breaker to justify to themselves what they have done.

So don't buy in on that and beat yourself up over wanting to play dressup and "prance around".

While U may have been verbally abusive its a sign of the underlying problem of not communicating each others needs.

Try to maintain a schedule of meals, shopping, and getting some physical excerscise and rest, U R going to need your health.

Avoid drugs and alcohol, and remember that because of being distracted by this it puts U at risk of a car wreak, so focus when U drive.

Good Luck and be well.

[Sheila]

Jacie, I wish i had words of wisdome to help, I haven't, I can only send u an internet :hugs: and wish you well for the future :hugs::hugs:

[Carin's Wife GG]

Carin and I are in the middle of a divorce. 25 years of marriage, seven wonderful children, including two with special needs.

It would be foolish of me to make any judgements about either you or your wife. I don't know either one of you or your lives. And neither does anyone else here. When I read the *call the cops* and *she kidnapped your children* I get both angry and sad. No one here can make judgments nor should they make suggestions that may very well harm your children emotionally in the long run.

From my own experience...

Like yourself, our marriage had lots of *cracks* when I decided we needed to separate. I had made some terrible mistakes and decisions. And yes CDing was a PART of my decison to divorce. IMO we both made mistakes over the course of our marriage. It was hard to not get into the *who did worse*. But really does it matter? If reconciliation were to happen then mistakes, bad decisions, would have to be forgiven. If divorce was the decision then *blame* would not make that any easier.

One thing I knew was that our children were/are the most important piece of all of this. THEY deserved to be heard and respected. To not do that would be, for both Carin and I, to be bad parents, to be neglectful. Neither one of wanted that.

Divorce is just painful. For everybody. Even for the one *walking away*. And to the outside world I walked away. Some of that *walking away* was beyond difficult for me to do. I did it, I hope, in the most respectful way I could...for my children, for Carin and for myself. None of it was/is easy. But my divorce needs to be civil. For my children and for *us*, for the family. Financially civil, property civil, respectfully civil.

There is shock involved with divorce/separation. It is *shocking*. If you can take that *high road* and keep any conversations respectful that would be a good thing.

My children are somewhat older. This has been painful for all of them. They have talked and been angry. They are still angry some of the time. We do our best to listen and hear what they need to say. They relied on *family*. That family is no more. It is very different. But we are still all *family* to each other.

I know one thing. I love my children. Their father loves them. And they love us. That love should not be split apart. If you keep in mind *that* whatever you and your wife decide will be OK for your children. And OK for your children should really be all that counts at the end of the day.. IMO.



Louise.

[Annaliese]

Jacie I have read all yours post on this post.

I think now all you need is a hug.

Hugs from Annaliese.

[RobynP]

I know one thing. I love my children. Their father loves them. And they love us. That love should not be split apart. If you keep in mind *that* whatever you and your wife decide will be OK for your children. And OK for your children should really be all that counts at the end of the day.. IMO.

Louise.

What Louise is saying about the children is 100% correct. Unfortunately, the children in a divorce suffer a tremendous amount of collateral damage. Sometimes the damage is clearly visible but often it is not. No matter what, the children are impacted by a divorce. Some children cope with it better than others. Sometimes the damage is not evident until the children are grown and in their own relationships.

My children were older (18 and 15) when my wife and I got a divorce and I thought they were "old enough" to deal with it... I was sadly wrong.

Robyn P.