Marriage/SO and Telling..

[Marissa]

I have seem a few threads about "should I tell my SO/wife about my dressing?" and "She got upset when I opened up to her", with "She left me unexectedly"

In some cases, the marriage was already rocky and yes, women do think things out before they react..most of us 'guys' just never see it.. Guys walk out when they catch her in bed with someone.. Women see the signs and weigh the future.. Most of this is what I KNOW. My ex wife sat and waited.. for almost two years.. funny thing.. i knew too.. and it really had nothing to do with dressing..we just went on different paths..

so when i mentioned some dressing..yes at first it was like she was supportive..even gave me a few items of clothes and makeup..reason why? because i was working away from home so she didn't have to see..

The rest was just a feeling like we lost each other in passion, etc.

But she did make a comment once that she didn't know if she could handle that side of me..

So it took a bit for me to understand.. she married a man.. and that is what she was attracted to.. even if she sampled a woman in her past.. i was a man that she fell in love with..so she did not see how me as a woman, part time or not.. would fit in what she desired..

but I will say it again, it was not the main item that ended our marriage..

And I don't blame her for leaving.. I blame her for not giving us a try when I returned.. so many things had changed that I think we would have been okay..even if i had to give this up.. yes it might be in me "chemically" but for love sometimes it can go in dorment.. or be addressed slowly.. who knows..

So if you think you want to say something to your SO/Wife.. be ready for the worst.. they fell in love with a man..most do at least.. its great when you find that one.. but its rare.. so if you do..hold on tightly..

but be honest with yourself..and us.. if its more than just dressing..face that part too..

my ex wants to be a part of my life..but I have yet to let her know how far i dress.. and i'm not sure i will.. even though i love her..part of me wants to be her GF.. to shop..to talk.. ect.. and to love..that last part scares me.. since it may not be that forever..

Sorry if i just banter.. I just had to post due to so many that seemed surprised when their SO/Wife just can't handle it..

Some on here have even said "what would you do if your wife decided to dress like a man..and be the man..?" think about that..fair is fair..

[PanteeQueen]

I am finding out that this part is the most frustating. Wanting and needed her acceptence. But like the says, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink . . . " For my wife, I think that her fear is that I will end up gay. I can not make that promise and I think that scares her although, I am not attracted to males in any shape or form. Although, I have mentioned her becoming that man once or twice and she wasn't that receptive to it . . . right away. But the important thing is that you don't force anything on them because it will scare them away in a heartbeat.

XOXO

PQ

[RWillow]

Ms Cassey,

You make very valid points. I have tried very hard during our 47 years together to be the person my wife married. If she came up to me today and said she wanted to dress like a man, I might ask why but I'm sure I would try to understand reasons. I would never refer to her as one of 'those people' and make her feel inferior to everyone else. I did not ask my wife to participate, support or be overwhelmed with joy, just a little understanding.

I think what upset my wife so much was, I am doing something that she has no control over.

As I said, you make very valid points and we should expect worse when we tell a wife or GF we are crossdressers.

Renyta

[Ashlyee Paige]

Dressing up does not "Make" you gay, sexual preference is totally independant of gender. You might have bisexual feelings but Gay means you are attracted to only men (or women-depending on your gender), bisexual means you are attracted to both and hetrosexual means only women (or men-depending on your gender). If you dress does that mean you are not going to like women anymore? not at all. its not going to change you. :2c:

[ReineD]

but I will say it again, it was not the main item that ended our marriage..

I've got myself convinced that if there are no other issues in the relationship, the marriage will not fall apart because of the CDing. Unfortunately there are issues in half of the marriages in this country judging by the divorce rates.

You were still her husband, weren't you? If you had wanted to alter your body or thought you might want to transition, then I can understand why some (not all) GGs would not be able to stay. But, this is another topic.


but be honest with yourself..and us.. if its more than just dressing..face that part too..

Do you mean if it is also about feeling femme and wanting to be loved as femme? This is understandable since it is a part of who you are. But unless you are transitioning you are also a guy at times? Just wondering.


my ex wants to be a part of my life..but I have yet to let her know how far i dress.. and i'm not sure i will.. even though i love her..part of me wants to be her GF.. to shop..to talk.. ect.. and to love..that last part scares me.. since it may not be that forever..

Can you not do both? Be a close girlfriend sometimes, and a lover (if the two of you still want to be intimate) at other times? What do you mean "it may not be that forever"?

Sorry for all the questions. I would very much like to know what you meant.



I think what upset my wife so much was, I am doing something that she has no control over.

But Renyta, none of us has any control over anyone else's actions?
:hugs:

[Marissa]

I've got myself convinced that if there are no other issues in the relationship, the marriage will not fall apart because of the CDing. Unfortunately there are issues in half of the marriages in this country judging by the divorce rates.

You were still her husband, weren't you? If you had wanted to alter your body or thought you might want to transition, then I can understand why some (not all) GGs would not be able to stay. But, this is another topic.



Do you mean if it is also about feeling femme and wanting to be loved as femme? This is understandable since it is a part of who you are. But unless you are transitioning you are also a guy at times? Just wondering.



Can you not do both? Be a close girlfriend sometimes, and a lover (if the two of you still want to be intimate) at other times? What do you mean "it may not be that forever"?

Sorry for all the questions. I would very much like to know what you meant.




But Renyta, none of us has any control over anyone else's actions?
:hugs:

What i mean is that she married a man..point blank..funny she just wants someone to control her.. that is how she grew up.. anyway.. no..she would not be too happy knowing who i am.. so that is not a choice.at least not now..

i wanted to let all know that in most cases..its not about dressing that breaks a couple up.. its the relation it self that sooner or later ends it..

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I have heard the exact same story on numerous occasions - still with my

spouse, but her mood and attitude change daily with no warning

JoAnne Wheeler

[Deborah Jane]

i wanted to let all know that in most cases..its not about dressing that breaks a couple up

Well said Cassey, dressing in many cases [including my own] was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.
Very often the damage is already there in a relationship before we admit our crossdressing.
Crossdressing just becomes the final straw that ends it in some cases!

[Marissa]

Do you mean if it is also about feeling femme and wanting to be loved as femme? This is understandable since it is a part of who you are. But unless you are transitioning you are also a guy at times? Just wondering.

No I'm not transitioning.. so that would not be adding the breaking straw.. but wanting to be fem at times wasn't a choice in the relationship. I had barely chipped the iceberg when we split. So she doesn't know that I have taken this far.

Can you not do both? Be a close girlfriend sometimes, and a lover (if the two of you still want to be intimate) at other times? What do you mean "it may not be that forever"?

:hugs:

It not being forever.. is one of my biggest faults is running when a relationship ends.. with exception of a house and daughter, I would have stayed in the same location. Its not because I don't love her.. the opposite.. things are reminders.. well we will see if friendship can withstand.. in any fashion :)

Thanks for the replies and no.. never too many questions..

[Jessica Jameson]

I don't want to sound too judgmental or harsh but I don't think it's very fair for you to have hidden something like this and not told her before you asked her to marry you. Unless of course you started dressing after you said I do. I make it a point to let a girl I'm getting serious with know that I occasionally like to crossdress, if she's not able to accept it then I guess she's not the right girl for me.

[Marissa]

I don't want to sound too judgmental or harsh but I don't think it's very fair for you to have hidden something like this and not told her before you asked her to marry you. Unless of course you started dressing after you said I do. I make it a point to let a girl I'm getting serious with know that I occasionally like to crossdress, if she's not able to accept it then I guess she's not the right girl for me.

I really didn't mean for this thread to go into my past situation, but we open doors as we post..it was meant to hopefully enlighten those who want to, decide to tell there SO/Wife's and don't realize what direction it may take.. but more so to know that the breakup may have already started..

Jessica,

To answer your question.. Prior to marrying her, I had wore panties every so often or sexy male underwear so no questions asked. I didn't dress and I didn't wear makeup.

Did i have desires to??? I would have to say yes, just never did it. Only jokingly with my first wife and then it went dorment.

My recent ex had a wild side to her that opened my eyes

It wasn't until later that I mentioned about dressing..which as I stated, she did provide some items. But she didn't see me as i was living away for work in last two years of our marriage.

And those years began showing us drifting apart... so I cannot say dressing was the cause..but she could have used that to convince herself we did not see eye to eye on sex.. as in other things of a couple.

Hope all of that makes sense.. :)