"Both in the closet"

[Delila]

I read a post earlier that mentioned that perhaps both CD and SO were in the closet and it made me think. Many here seem to have an accepting SO has there been any issues where your SO feels like they have to be in the closet and keep secrets from friends? GGs in here do you feel like you are forced to keep secrets that make you uncomfortable or maybe just tired of having something that you can only talk to your SO or strangers about?

[ReineD]

Yes, I share the same concerns as my SO about coming out to family and friends. It is difficult to predict their reactions. I do not feel a lack of people to talk to about the CDing though. :) I am becoming friends with quite a few people here! And we talk about everything else too!

My SO & I do go out, but in neighboring towns.
:hugs:

[Laura Evans]

My SO and I go out in public locally as well as out of town but we are keeping it from my children and hers. Mine are full grown but hers are younger and do not feel it would be in their best interest at this time. There is one exception and that is that her oldest daughter (17) found out by accident and has been cool with it, in fact she and I went to a play recently since her mom could not make it and did not want to waste the ticket. I was enfemme. So you could say we are in a closet but neither of us feel like we are and as for myself if my children or hers found out I don't feel too concerned and she feels the same, we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

[Sarah_GG]

I have told a couple of close friends (with my SOs encouragement and approval). I'm quite happy to keep it a secret from the world in general as we wouldn't necessarily want to 'share' our innermost intimacies anyway.

Because my SO is firmly in the closet I don't have to face issues with friends, neighbours or relations. In the beginning I thought if we ever went 'out' I could also wear a wig... now I'd be proud to be seen with him (in the right place) so no longer feel the need to 'disguise' myself.

So, it is a secret but it's not a burden. I think of it as being a lovely little something that the two of us share.

:)

ps And I agree with ReineD - I get plenty of opportunity to air the subject on this forum.

[ggtracy]

Most of my friends know and some of my family, so far everyone has been supportive but not really interested. I would say the biggest thing for me is feeling like i don't fit in anymore. Like when the girls at work are chatting it up about what they did that weekend, i know there are certain things I cannot say. I have many pictures of us having great times together, yet have few people i can share with them.


at first, it was like having a special secret but now it does feel like a burden sometimes. I do feel isolated and lonely sometimes. thank goodness for this forum and all its great members.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

ABSOLUTELY - my Spouse is TOTALLY paranoid that someone will find out or

recognize me and she cannot handle that - she can tolerate my dressing, but

only in our house or on our property. So YES, we are both in the closet, her

more than me - I don't really care anymore who knows - I try to honor my

spouses wishes, but if I get Outed, so be it.


JoAnne Wheeler

[JillHill]

Thanks for the great question. I had never thought about my wife carrying a burden about my dressing. Maybe that is why I get some of the responses from her that I do not understand.

What a great responsed JoAnn. I am the same way. For the most part I dont mind going out to non traditional places enfemme. But wouuld I let my neighbors and friends know. I dont think so at this point.

[DonnaT]

My wife does feel she needs to keep it a secret, but it's of her own choosing. I've told her she can talk to whomever she wants.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Simply and shortly:

It has been said that when we come part way out of the closet when we tell our loved ones, we pull them in there with us. That can be, and usually is, hard on them.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[BekiJ]

My point exactly. Which is why my wife "does not need to know." It would be a burden that she does not need.

And after reading the other new horror story threads today, I am more convinced than ever this is the course for me.

Hugs
BekiJ

[sissystephanie]

Under the "guidelines" mentioned on this thread, my late wife and I were "in the closet" together. We agreed from the gitgo not to tell our children or our neighbors. But we often went out in public together dressed as two girls. Neither of us had any paranoia about being found out. Our attitude was, and mine still is, if it happens so be it!! I did tell my daughter after my wife died, but not my son only because of his wife. She has a big mouth and questions things like you wouldn't believe!! I am me and that is it!!

BTW, BekiJ, I think you are doing your wife a disservice by not telling her! Not telling her means your marriage is based on a lie, which it should not be! Just my two cents!

[loren]

I dont feel forced at all to keep it a secret about my partner.But yes i do get a little frustrated at times in myself, i worry at times when i like to talk about it and ask questions,that he maybe doesnt want to as sometimes i feel like im maybe doing it too much.Eventhough he tells me no matter what if i want to talk about it,or ask anything to not hold back.
I love G/Jas very much, and completely accept it and will always respect his decision nomatter what on keeping it private.
Im thankful for this site,it helps me not feel like G and i are alone in this.the friends i have made on here, the advice and knowledge have been invaluable to me.
But, it would be great if there was somewhere near here, where even i could go if G didnt want to, and be able to chat in person with other people. Loren:hugs:

[Areyan]

Yes we are both in the closet with it and at times it is painful. I just don't want the questions and/or gossip from my own family if they ever found out. This forum is the only place I can talk to others about it at all. Discussing it with him is obviously important and helps with my understanding and acceptance but it does often feel like a painful secret, much like our infertility issues right now. Folks are surprisingly as dumb and insensitive about infertility as I imagine they could be about CDing... I just don't want to even go there.

:hugs:

Akira

[JoannaCaroline]

My wife would love to run screaming out of the closet with a tiara on her and my head and tell her devoutly Mormon family. We aren't that deep in the closet to begin with and almost everyone else she knows has met or knows about me.

I really have no need for the families "acceptance" or to "improve my relationship" with them. What little I know of the Momos leads me to believe it wouldn't improve our relationship and I have little patience for bigots. The first time the local bishop called on their behalf to have a little chat I would explode.

So upside=none. Downside=I end up hating my inlaws and relatives.

I don't really care if the in-laws or relatives like me but I don't want that to affect my wife. We'll cross that bridge the next time I start living full time again.

[Sheila]

well yes and know, both Debs and my close familiy members know ... her kids (barring the youngest) her mum, sister & brother in law, all 3 of my kids, my sister and a few of my friends .. all that know on my side know with Debs's consent ..... it's not something that either of us go around shouting about to all and sundry, but as she says if it is discovered by Joe public at large "what the heck" ...... my attutude exactly :)

[RylieCD]

Yes it does feel like we are both in the closet. Who can we talk to but our friends on this site?

[Rachel B]

I tend to look at things from differing perspectives......

On one hand I think it is crazy to be in the closet, keeping secrets just leads to paranoia and stress, these can lead to other bad emotional problems. So from that perspective I feel that living with a secret is the wrong thing to do.

On the other hand though, coming out of the closet can and does cause unnecessary hassles and problems with friends, family neighbours et al. So from this point of view it's better to stay secret.

That all said though, I do think that a lot of the "closet" phenomena is totally unnecessary?

We create a problem that is in effect only a problem in our own minds! You wouldnt keep that fact you were changing your clothes, house, job, car etc a secret. You also wouldnt go telling your friends, family, neighbours etc if you indugled in S&M or wife-swapping or dogging.......That's where forums come in :heehee:

I think the nature of the world in which we live causes us all to feel we need to keep secrets and fear the consequences of being found out........

Rach

[Jae]

I asked my wife last night if she would mind if neighbors knew about me and she said she would not mind. Driving back dressed from a studio this afternoon I actually wanted to bump into neighbors, so I would no longer have to keep it a secret. Guess what, did not meet anyone, damn.

My wife has told 4 female friends of ours about me. Funny, I do not mind her telling females, but not so laid back about men. Told my sister yesterday-no problem, maybe because she is a lot more manly than me.

[suchacutie]

I had never approached this issue from this direction before. Frankly, I really don't need anyone else to know anything about me. I'm married to a wonderful woman and she's the only one that I share my heart with. I can't think of one positive thing that would result from a broader knowledge of my exploration of my feminine self. Why would I want to deal with friends who are no longer friends, narrow-minded people who have a million questions but don't actually want any answers, and then family who would be all over the lot! This isn't any different from any other part of my life. I'm a rather private person as it is. Also, don't we all have those who would like to see us damaged in some way to get back at some decisions we've made over time that they felt were an injustice to them? Why would I want to give them more opportunity to have fun?

Conclusion? My spouse and I are where we decide to be and where we are comfortable. Both of our gendered selves are delighted in that we have a wonderful person to be with. Our closet will be whatever size we deem it to be, and isn't that true for everyone in one way or another?

tina

[Sallee]

yes I think my SO is more in the closet than I am. I don't think I would have a problem letting it out but my wife gets real insecure when I say I am going tell some one.
The folks I have told have never had a problem with it and tend to forget about it after a brief conversation sometimes sooner.
In reality No Big Deal. SO's need to realize that too. They can always use the line "after he comes home from a night of dressing and cleans up the sex is Great":D

[Delila]

Thank you all for the great responses. The reason that I asked is that my wife has told me that she sometimes has a hard time when she feels that she has to lie to her friends and family. Both of our families are either very religious or painfully old fashioned homophobic which they include any alternate lifestyle under. I know that she makes excuses for why I shop with her and help her decide on cute outfits (her friends like what I pick more than what she picks). It is nice to hear different perspectives.

[Jess_cd32]

My SO certainly feels that way since I came out to her months ago.
I told her I couldn't hide it any longer to her, now she says she feels she has to hide it now and resents it bigtime!

[susan fuller]

My wife is more open with my CDing than I am. She keeps telling me I should tell my kids but I am still not sure that is a good idea. If they find out by accident I can deal with it then but I am not sure how they would take it if I told them.

[Karren H]

I know my wife feels that when she foind out that I crossdress that she was also burdended with my secret and she hate that too!!

[Alice B]

For my wife I must stay in the closet because she is very afraid that I be outed to friends and co-workers. Yet she is accepting of Alice and my need to dress.

We do have three friends that know, but only one of them that my wife is aware of. That is our massage therapist, a close friend who sees my painted toe nails and shaved legs every two weeks.

The other couple accepts Alice completely, but does not tell my wife about it. In fact, the female of this couple will go out with me as Alice in two weeks when my wife is out of town. We converse daily via e-mail as girl talk and share clothing and make up tips. It is strictly a platonic friendship, which is great. There is some guilt on my behalf about this and when the time is right I'll let my wife know that they know and are accepting.

[chastity-payne]

Our only problem is that he has children from a prior marrige that are older and would not be as understanding as our kids that live at home with us, therefore we do have to be careful and not out him to them. I have no problem with my man wearing what ever he feels like wearing and us going out. I do see where perhaps family and the towns in which others live could be a problem as well, finding a few local friends to share in what you do is a great idea that way you have someone to talk to instead of only strangers online.

[Ralph]

It's no real burden to my wife to keep my secret, because even if I weren't a CDer she's not in the habit of discussing what I wear with other people. "So, Mrs. Ralph, did you see The Latest Box Office Blockbuster yet?" "Why yes, Ralph and I got it on dvd the other day and watched it while he was wearing his favorite skirt. I mean pants!"

In fact, thinking back over conversations I typically have with friends and family, I can't think of one instance when any of us mentioned what anyone was wearing. So for all I know, every single one of my friends and family members are all CDers hiding our secret from each other.

ralph