CDR's ONLY REPLIES PLEASE

[Sheila]

following the new thread I started over in the loved ones section for GG's only


GG's ONLY .... Accepting Days V Non Accepting Days (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1640795&postcount=1)

I wanted to give you, your chance to tell us how our pendulam swing days affect you, ................ both partners can have days when communication is difficult, so.....................
how do you cope with us when we are having a bad day with CDing ?


Sheila[

[Kate Simmons]

You are a mind reader Sheila. I knew CD's could not post in your other thread, so I was going to start one for this board. I don't have an accepting SO but I realize that even those with accepting relationships must have "off" days wherin they don't want to deal with the femme side for whatever reason. This is expected as we would not be human otherwise. As I said, I'm not in this situation but am interested in how my friends who are cope with it.:)

[Jonianne]

................ both partners can have days when communication is difficult, how do you cope with us when we are having a bad day with CDing ?

I am so grateful that my wife is accepting and participates with me (she was the one who pushed me out the door saying Joni needs to feel the sun on her face). Sometimes, though, she needs her space from the cd'ing and I try to be sensitive to that. We have worked out a system of communicating our needs. I don't just get dressed totally unexpected or even start talking cd'ing without asking if she is OK with that at the moment. We plan our events out (she usually is the one to do that) and if I get dressed at home I will always ask if she is up to it before I walk in.

You see, even though I told her long before we were married and she has been super accepting, she has also shared with me that there is a part of her that wishes it was not there. She was just being honest and I can accept that. She also says she would never want to change that part about me.

There have been times when I jumped the gun and she let me know in no uncertain terms that I crossed her boundry and I would have to apologize. And there have been times when I followed our "rules" to a tee and she said she was OK, but really wasn't, and I also heard from her in that situation. That made me feel bad and she apologized for not being honest up front and for fussing at me when I was not at fault.

All in all, I believe we communicate our needs pretty well and are very accepting of each other. I love her with all my heart and I know she loves me and even though we both mess up sometimes, our hearts always bring us back together.

I think the gentleness, kindness and forgiveness we have for each other smooths over the rough spots.

[Tasha McIntyre]

My bad days are when I feel guilty for laying this on my wife after keeping it a secret for so long. She didn't ask or expect this to come into her life.

[subaru_forster]

Though I am fortunate enough to have a great GF who has never expressed (nor could I sense) any resentment from CDing per se, I think the question posed here gets on to something common to all healthy relationships: keeping your thumb on the pulse of each other's emotions.

It comes down to knowing how she feels, what she wants, and what you can actively do to make her happy. There should be a sixth sense of sorts between each other.

Of course, we all have bad days and are off our guard some of the time. As long as there is a mutual wavelength in settling whatever disputes arise, along with a heart felt desire to each other's happiness, there will be stability.

Suppose I started CDing 24/7 instead of the occasional waves that I do, I'd suspect there would come a time she would rather I backed off for a day. I'd like to think that I'd pick up some hint somewhere and that she wouldn't have to tell me. Or that if I screwed up on my part OR felt too restricted that we would have what we need to resolve it. Doesn't matter if it's CDing or not.

[DonnaT]

how do you cope with us when we are having a bad day with CDing ?
Then I simply don't dress, outwardly. I still underdress. Out of site, don't you know.

[Sarah...]

I have told my wife that I'm TS - I'm female on the inside. I need the outside to match permanently. This doesn't seem to have caused an issue in that she gets all the support she needs from me, I mean the real me. She is quite clear that she got no support from "Andy" (as was) but gets absolutely everything she needs from me.

So I guess I have been honest and she has understood and accepted that. At times of great stress (in me) she thinks she sees "Andy" again and politely asks to have "Sarah back, please". So in some respects our issue is the other way around - how does she cope when I revert to the type of person I had created to hide the real me? She politely asks me to be me.

Sarah...

[Deborah Jane]

how do you cope with us when we are having a bad day with CDing ?


Sheila[

I just don't bother dressing, it's not the end of the world if i don't dress and i'd sooner have a happier SO :love:

There will always be opportunities to dress at other times :)

[Ruth]

Well yes. It's not rocket science. You try and respect your partner's feelings, about this the same as about anything else. I love to CD but I love my wife more.

[Samantha43]

My wife has known since before we were married. We communicate and have rules. I follow those rules because of my love and respect for her. She is very accepting and supportive. She understands that I have a need I didn't ask for. She understands that crossdressing brings me much joy and satisfaction. In return I understand her feelings and limits. We have fun. I'll ask her if Samantha can come over for a visit. 90% of the time she says yes. I respect the times she says no and don't push the issue. She is a wonderful woman and I am blessed to be married to her.

[RylieCD]

I understand my wifes limits (doesnt want to see) but there are still days where this is too much for her. So on those days there is usually no speaking of CDing untill she wants to and be there for her in other ways.

[Marlena-4now]

We lead busy lives , full of resposibilities, kids, jobs, friends, family, so the oportunities for me to fully express my self as Marlena are infrequent. My wife is the keeper of the family schedule and will let me know when an evening is coming up where the kids will be away and we don't have anything happening....and she's feeling comfortable with me doing my "thing". I love her and am very appreciative of her understanding so I don't push it much. She sees how happy it makes me and tries to arrange things so that I don't have to go too long with out getting any girl time. She also does little things like plucking my eye brows when we are in bed together or showing me a dress she thinks I might like in a womens clothing catalog that let me know she is OK with me being part girl. These little signs of acceptance and caring mean a lot to me - so I don't push. She also has times when she just wants me to be her guy and doesn't want to deal with the whole CDr thing. I try to be sensitive to her moods and go with the flow. I don't want to ruin our good thing. Maybe when the kids have moved out she'll be cool with seeing more of Marlena.........

[kristinacd55]

I don't dress in front of my wife, so there aren't bad days. Just underneath.... :)

[Bea A]

My wife and I have tried to set boundaries and for the most part they are working.If one of us needs something, then its up to the indiviudal to commincate that to the other. If my wife needed/wanted me in boy mode, then I would do it. I love dressing, but I have to put her 1st. Main thing is tell them what you want/need. Then its about finding a solution together.

:hugs:

[Alice B]

Easy. I don't dress or ask to dress at such times. Support is more important. Tonight is one of those days. Normally dress when my wife goes to her monthly meeting, with her blessings. She had a bad day, so I fixed her a nice comfort dinner and told her I would not dress so she can talk when she gets home. A small price to pay for the support I get.

[Sallee]

Thanks for allowing the response over here for us. I think many women put up with our dressing and some enjoy it certainly on a intellectual level.but we need to understand their needs to. I understand how even the most accepting SO can get real tried of the constant cding. I have seen it happen more than once.
Some one said us CDers need to understand they are humans and need their natural mate
great thread thanks

[Satrana]

Not something that has ever happened with my wife, after all I am a CD so this is what I do. For my wife to tell me that she cannot deal with me in a dress is really stating she cannot deal with me as a person, in which case I would just leave her alone. I guess this comes done to whether you see crossdressing as a special hobby which needs permission or you see it as an intrinsic part of someone's personality.

I mean has any man ever told his SO "I cannot deal with you in jeans tonight, please change into a dress so I can relate to you as my wife/gf?" Just seems loopy to me.

[Claire Cook]

I realize that even those with accepting relationships must have "off" days wherin they don't want to deal with the femme side for whatever reason. This is expected as we would not be human otherwise. As I said, I'm not in this situation but am interested in how my friends who are cope with it.:)

My wife may not communicate this directly, but I can sense when she needs her husband -- not a GF, not a sister. Call it feminine intuition, or whatever, but I call feel this. My relationship with her is the most important thing in my life and that transcends any needs I have at the moment.

It's clear from this discussion that we all have different levels of acceptance from our wives, SO's, and GF's. We need to be sensitive to their needs, much as they areto ours.

[Georgia Rose]

If my wife is going to be home I usually ask if she is comfortable with me dressing. On the odd occasion when she is not I don't. Our relationship is more important than my need to dress. She is in charge of the social calendar and will at times when we are not going out on a weekend suggest I might like to dress that night. There might be an ulterior motive as then I do the cooking and she gets a night out of the kitchen (don't think so tho as I've always enjoyed cooking). I think it comes down to respecting each others feelings and mutual support. Isn't that what keeps most marriages going whether you CD or not.

:drink:

[Sheila]

Thank you all for those who have so far replied to this thread ............. all of us are on a leaning course

I think this quote from Georgia Rose says it all ..... sometimes it is easy to forget that first and foremost we are a partnership when it comes to encompassing cding into our lives for some of us

I think it comes down to respecting each others feelings and mutual support. Isn't that what keeps most marriages going whether you CD or not.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

WOW - this is something that I have had to deal with just about every day

for the last 8 months - my spouse's attitude toward my crossdressing seems

to fluctuate every day. How do I cope ? Not very well. That is why I spend

so much time on this Forum - I live in euphoria to despair constantly - this is

why I don't know how much more of this I can take

JoAnne Wheeler

[Jacky Aikou]

Sheila, thanks for the thoughtful thread!

I came out to my wife before we were engaged and as a rule she is OK with me crossdressing around the house. She's been a sympathetic ear and generous with girly advice and even given me some very cute presents on occasion over the years. But yes, some days she would rather have her "man" and rather not humor any girl-talk from me. These swings surprised me at first, but given a few days she'd be back playfully teasing and luring Jacky out for some fun. Now I just try to keep things in perspective.

She's a woman. It's a woman's prerogative to be fickle if she wants. But we love each other, too. Usually how willing she is to indulge my eccentricities is directly proportional to the care and attention I've shown her recently. I'd say that love, patience, and give & take keep us balanced on the tightrope.
:hugs:

[Bethany_Anne_Fae]

Thank you, Sheila for this post :)

I'm keeping it short n sweet...

My wife and I havent had any problems with my dressing in the almost 6 years we've been married. This is because we talked openly about everything initially, set some guidelines and if anything bothers the other... we TALK about it.

Bottom line, if she swings into possible unacceptance, its because she needs her MAN around at that time and perhaps a bit more.

Granted, I am a lucky CDr who hasn't the need to dress up as much as others here, nor do I seek to be a lifestyler, so that has a lot to do with how easy I have it with my S/O.

I made a decision a few years back that it wasn't worth the mountain of physical and mental hassles to transition and compromised with what I could live with for the rest of my days. Thus far my choice has worked just fine for us. Do I have regrets? There are some days I do, but other days I relish in the joys of having someone close that supports all of my many facets as much as I support hers.

Because I married her life is no longer about ME but WE ;)

*hugs to the GGs who may be stressed out there*

Zarabeth & Tigerlady

[Tina B.]

Wow now we need to respect our partners feeling, life can be so hard!
but really, if I have dressed, and my wife comes home stressed, I can change back to a guy faster than superman, can become Clark Kent. But sometimes I have to remind her, I am a guy, I don't read minds, so if I don't see it then she needs to TELL ME! I wish I had female intuition, but I'm not built that way.
Life is a two way street, she treats me with respect and sensitivity, and I try my best to do the same, after all 'It's only fair"!
Tina

[shaun1]

i always ask my partner if its ok if i dress up that night.having a young son one of our golden rules is it only happens when hes gone to bed which i am fine with.i dont go out enfemme and have no desire to am happy to just dress up at home.if my partner ever say not tonight babe then im fine with that i dont need a reason.im not a prolifict cder i can go weeks not dressing but then i might go weeks of dressing.it works for us and we are happy with it but dont be fooled i can have weeks of my partner vigourusly insisting i dress up.so it all depends on how my partner fells or i do


THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE , THE PRETTY THINGS COST A FORTUNE

[melissacd]

Not something that has ever happened with my wife, after all I am a CD so this is what I do. For my wife to tell me that she cannot deal with me in a dress is really stating she cannot deal with me as a person, in which case I would just leave her alone. I guess this comes done to whether you see crossdressing as a special hobby which needs permission or you see it as an intrinsic part of someone's personality.

I mean has any man ever told his SO "I cannot deal with you in jeans tonight, please change into a dress so I can relate to you as my wife/gf?" Just seems loopy to me.

So far Satrana has said the most sensible thing that I have read. I lived for 25 years in a relationship where I had to be sensitive to her needs and where I was always asking for permission to do things (although one of the things that I was asking permission for was not cross dressing because she never accepted that).

This thread presumes permission to be who we actually are. When I was in therapy with my ex at one point the therapist said do you realize that you are always asking permission, you should not be asking permission, you are not a child. Now she did not mean to say that I should not be sensitive, respectful, caring or considerate but she did mean that I should not compromise being me either.

So I agree with Satrana that asking an SO not to wear jeans and instead wear a dress is just plain loopy. We have to accept each other for who we really are.

Huggs
Melissa

[Jonianne]

.......This thread presumes permission to be who we actually are.......

Melissa, I disagree. What this thread means to me is being in a relationship. In a healthy relationship there must be give and take.

Don't get me wrong. I am diviorced from my first wife because I took a firm stand about being who I am. I came to self acceptance about being a crossdresser and I was willing to work it out to the 10th degreee with her, but she was adamately opposed and became very hostile about it (especially after she joined a Christian ex-transgender group).

That is why when I remarried, I shared my crossdressing with my wife-to-be long before we were married and we established what the boundries were. Those boundries give both of us a safe place to play/operate in. I get to let my femme self out at times and she gets the assurance of having the man she married. That is what a relationship is all about. Personally I need to be in a healthy give and take relationship, I want to share my life and not live life alone, but I would, if I could not be myself in a relationship.

PS: I love your hair, mine is almost as long now.

[Marlena-4now]

I am a CD so this is what I do. For my wife to tell me that she cannot deal with me in a dress is really stating she cannot deal with me as a person

I hear where you are coming from , Satrana. Maybe you are a bit more actuated than I am. There is a big difference between me in male mode and me in female mode and I have not moved very far down the road of merging the two. My wife more or less puts up with me in female mode....she really likes me in male mode ! And I still need both.

[jennCD]

My wife will forever have a bad day regarding this part of me. We have discussed this recently, and as I promised her, for the last time, as I realized that the only way for her to not ever have to deal with it is for me to once again reinvent myself, this time without the Jenn component of my life.

I understand that she wants to be understanding, and no, she will never be accepting but regardless of how she tries, I know her well enough to know it is not something she is capable of ever dealing with.

At this point, my only solution is to stop myself from working toward a balance and instead work backward so that somewhere in the future, she may be able to convince herself that the last 2 years never really happened, or at least for her to know she never needs to be forced to accept something she simply cannot.

I have plenty of experience shutting things inside, so continuing to believe that expressing myself this way is a valid option could put me at risk to lose something I am not willing to lose,... my wife.

j.

[Jess_cd32]

Well as you know Sheila my SO and I have been on both ends of the spectrum these past few months. We've recently even had all nighters that were brutal on both of us screaming and argueing over cd issues.

She conveys now more of her fears/ concerns and I convey mine back. It takes a day or so for it to sink in, and to think it over on both our parts what was said.

I won't set certain boundaries on myself to appease her because I know I can't keep them, better to be honest than lie to make a temporary peace. I'm all lied out anyway just staying closeted for all these years keeping it a secret, no more lies. If I was single right now I'd probably come out alot further, but not totally sure.

We as cd's need to realize what we put our SO's thru by telling them fianally that we cd. I've heard from her, "A major part of you died inside me now" to "I'm in mourning now for the man I lost and loved, its no different than if you really died".
Other statements have been "Our relationship is a total joke now, you lied to me for all these years, I can never trust you again" to "I need a real man, not one thats 80 male/20% female, I'm leaving".

Hearing these things was a total surprise to me, these internal feelings of hers and I realized how destructive telling your SO your a cd can really be. I also realized it had to be done and have no regrets, my only regrets are how much I hurt her inside. I hope others can learn from this how they (SO's) feel inside, so its not all in vain.

On our end here we're trying to reach a happy compromise, she realizes that I can't stop being who I am and I'm not ashamed of myself. I realize now what I put her thru and would help her in any decision she would choose to do, but hopefully that means she is staying.

When she wanted to leave and said "I can't afford it, I'm trapped here now"! I laid down enough cash next to her for first/last and security on an apartment. I would have done everything to talk her out of leaving but I wouldn't hold her back if thats what she truley wanted.
She's slowly seeing that Jess and my male side are two happy people, she loves me and wants me to be happy, as I love her and want the same for her. Now to just work all of this out if thats possible.

As far as I'm concerned, she has every right to rip me up one side and down the other when she feels the need to vent her hurt or frustration. Once after such an episode, I could tell she was feeling guilty about it, I told her don't, your justified so let it all out, I can take it.
Our SO's owe us very little if we lied to them for years, mine understands why I lied at least, I made that very clear. At minimum however, if they choose to leave, the secret should remain with them out of mutual respect.

Edit: I give my SO alot of credit for at least taking the time to educate herself first about cd's and then make her decisions, most won't bother to do that and thats a true shame because they are denying an important part of who we are based on ignorance rather than knowledge. If she leaves me, at least she knows who she's leaving now based on facts, not ignorance.

[Carroll]

Many times I have mentioned here my wife is very accepting of Carroll, however there were times that was not the case. I told her about me when we met and she was OK with it. The urge to dress was not really strong to dress, just putting on a dress of hers every now and then while she was gone. It wasn't until about 4 years after I married her that I found a wig and a very thick pink fog hit me and I wanted to dress all the time. At first it was "I don't want to see it at all". She would call the house before she would come home so I could change. We talked about it, did research (Including this site) and talked more before she, one day, she came home without calling me and found me dressed in the kitchen. I told her I was sorry and she said don't worry about it, I wanted to see you dressed. Since then there has been no issues. She has bought me things and enjoys having Carroll around.

[Kelli Michelle]

First, I would say my wife is tolerant rather than accepting; tolerant in the way that she doesn't divorce me. Bad days for her are when she dwells on my crossdressing which could be any time. It is worse when I go out (2-3 times a month). Seriously I don't know what (if anything) I can do or say. She doesn't want to talk about any of it, but of course, she will listen, most of the time, if I bring it up. But, she doesn't want to get too far into it, if you know what I mean. This is my take on it. She is scared that she will get "used" to me dressing by being persuaded by me that it's "who I am", etc. And she doesn't want to "get into it". I really don't try to convince her of anything except that it doesn't make me a bad person for doing it, or her a bad (re.weird) person for accepting it. I try to make her feel better, not convert her. I know it's hard for her and many ggs.

I do admit I get mad a little (occasionally) when she gives me grief (for no reason) over my cding even when I am just sitting around the house. Usually though, I just let her go off, and I stay quiet, just hoping it goes away. She is not looking for engagement at this point. I just sorta equate it to her ranting, and needing me to just listen. I do, sometimes, throw in something, that I think she has got wrong, but mostly I sit and listen, which seems to be what she wants.

She doesn't have good days with my cding. It's either bad days, or just a vacuum. There are no good days, unless you count silence. Not whining, just letting you know. That's ok, though, as whatever happens, so far, we are making it work. It's not easy for both of us, but we have 22 yrs. invested, and we are not gonna give that up without a fight.

[melissacd]

PS: I love your hair, mine is almost as long now.

Joni,

I defend your right to disagree with me, especially since you complimented me on my hair :)

I understand where you are coming from, I am happy that you are able to create a shared space between the two of you.

I am realize now that I cannot do the same. I have to determine who I am (although that is a moving target at the best of times) and I can only do that if I have free reign to be me, once I get there whomever is in my life will fall in love with the real me and not expect me to be anything less than the real me. I would not ask them to change for me. I believe in accepting a person for who they are. It took me almost 50 years to reach this conclusion but it seems so obvious to me now. It is not about give and take, it is about being transparent about who we are and the other either is okay with that or they move on. Now it does mean that finding that certain someone is more challenging but the good things in life do not come easily.

Huggs
Melissa

[Satrana]

It is not about give and take, it is about being transparent about who we are and the other either is okay with that or they move on.

We have similar philosophies. Relationships are not about give and take, they are about acceptance. I do not need to get something in return for accepting an aspect about my wife. That is who she is, I am happy when she is happy so the answer is very simple.

The problem with compromises is that it sets up a power system within the relationship where the stronger partner negotiates better terms. More often that not one party ends up dissatisfied with the compromise which of course means they will inevitability break the terms sooner or later. More trouble. Compromises are often forged on the brink of the relationship breaking down. This produces inequality in the resolution depending who is more scared and that person ends up being controlled by the other. "Live by my terms or I will be unable to cope and will leave". Sounds like true love.

Nope, if you want a healthy and happy relationship you want to remove the need for give and take. Be honest up front with both parties promising to accept and support the WHOLE person, warts and all. It only works when both parties approach the relationship with unselfish expectations.

One friend advised me - when you make your promises at the wedding, don't make promises to your partner, make the promise to yourself. It is much harder to let yourself down than letting someone else down. Commit to yourself to be the best person you can be and to always do the right thing, the rest follows naturally.

[DaphneGrey]

My bad days are when I feel guilty for laying this on my wife after keeping it a secret for so long. She didn't ask or expect this to come into her life.

I have to agree with Tasha.

Even though she has her problems with CDng she is super supportive.

She gets whatever she wants.

[2b.Lauren]

As others have said it is all about mutual respect and understanding for each other. I wonder if I had been more willing to dress and do this infront of her all those years ago where we would be now with my dressing overall. Yes she knew, but we never really talked about it much. I then did not dress all that much. Now as my desire to dress has reawakened and is stronger she prefers a don't talk about it approach. That is very easy to respect, her boundary for me is to do so at home never out and alone. Mainly, when she and our daughter are not at home, not much time for me to do so, but again I respect her boundary and have no problem honoring that. The difficult part for me now is to find a middle ground for that. I do not push the issue and am always willing to go slow. However, a danger for our marriage is because she is not open with her feelings/emotions (those connected to and not connected to CDing), and wishes not to discuss those things it is hard to develop a transition into deeper water. She does not communicate things very well, or share much of her feelings. This is how she was brought up and has really been difficult for our marriage. So on many occasions I am far more shut down or out than I ever really want to be. It is very difficult.

[Rachaelb64]

Well I use to just not dress it was the simplest way and try and be the man she wanted............however since I'm no longer in a relationship..........