Ball of Confusion

[April Simmons]

Girls,

To belabor that Motown references (a hit for the Temptations in 1970) I have been in a bit of a quandary the last few days, it seems that my Detroit trip has left me in quite a pink fog (or smog). I am sure like many before me I am confused and as I progress more unsure and worried where it will all end.

The mall and then GiGi’s was intoxicating, over the last few months I have come to see my self as not a man that likes dressing as a woman but as inherently female person. No not a 100% but well over 50%.

My wife is a smart cookie and on my return could tell something was up. She had asked if I took anything with me apart from nighties. Yes, half my closet was gone! Of course she knows about me but I have not told about going out yet, I know I feel bad about that too. However, tacit approval for going out was given last night, but I am getting ahead of myself.

One misunderstanding she has that is difficult for her to overcome is that when we girls dress it is to attract men. I know that that is not my end goal I just want to be feminine and to present and be seen and treated as a woman. As a GG she sees dressing up as purely a means to attracting the opposite sex.

We had a long talk and even a few laughs but I eventually admitted I really do want to dress all the time. What I am afraid of is that maybe I am further along that CD/trans spectrum than I would like to admit. I always thought that I was a straight ahead cross dressers and only those who knew from a very young age were true transsexuals that should transition. I am comfortable with my male parts but would love breasts (who wouldn’t) and have never been attracted to men.

But being treated as a woman made my head spin, I loved it. I wanted more of that experience. Being asked a couple of times if I was transitioning or taking hormones yet put all sorts of ideas in my head. No I am not going to rush out and get SRS but the thought of being April all the time is soooo appealing. I found myself saying over and over again well if I was younger or not married or didn’t have children….

Have I been suppressing these transsexual tendencies for so long, will this all end in divorce and tears? That would be so harmful to the children. I love my wife but I feel I am being unfair to her whatever I do. I don’t want to loose her or my family but I am afraid it will be too much for her. She has done her best to be understanding and I think started to understand the depths of my feelings. She has even said that she knows I am still the same good person inside and that I have always been who I am even when hiding it from the world. We even talked about what more cross dressing I could do to feel comfortable.

Still I am worried what waits for me down the road.

I can’t believe I am being so honest but that is why this forum is so great. I am sorry for rambling but I really needed to share my thoughts with those that understand.

Love,

April:sad:

[mykhelee]

:chained:I feel for you. I have known I was bi since puberty hit. Started cding about the same time. Being hit on by a man who knows you are a guy is quite the thrill. Remember though, if you are at GiGi's, he knows you are male. As far as taking it further, if you have never had urges unless you are dressed, the fantasy is usually better than the reality.
Perhaps a little, couples that play together, stay together is in order. I was in a relationship where my SO fulfilled my needs as long as I fulfilled hers. :chained::chained::chained:Kinky is what those who do not understand, or have fear call situations such as ours. You never know, has your wife ever displayed an aggressive side in bed? Could be a good place to start. :fairy1:
As with anything, take it slow and try not to violate her comfort level...too much.

[deja true]

There is a joy in being complimented, in being looked upon as desirable (even if it is by admirers who we could not really fathom desiring ourselves), in being asked to dance, in being hit on. It's a need for a kind of validation... approval from someone that we've done a good enough job in getting close to our ideal. It's like being one of the ribbon winners at the county fair (as opposed to being just another also-ran.). It's like winning a scratch off lottery ticket (as opposed to being just another sucker.).

But it's not always about attracting a sexual partner.

Your wife dresses up occasionally for an important do, but she doesn't do it to attract a new partner, does she? She does it because she's proud of herself and her ability to do just that. She likes the admiring glances, doesn't she? And you like them for her, don't you? Others admiration of her style and grace make you feel better for being her partner.

I don't know why every single one here does it, but that's why I do. I want someone to see the part of me that usually remains hidden, that I think is actually the brighter and nicer person!

:)

[Lorileah]

As far as taking it further, if you have never had urges unless you are dressed, the fantasy is usually better than the reality.


I agree. Even though it is fun (sometimes) men get boring in a hurry :) Men often are pigs who really can be rude and disgusting. In your mind you see Prince Charming when Shrek is closer to reality. I agree with Mykhelee that you can -play out many of your fantasies with your wife if you are not sure you are attracted to men.

dress up more often, maybe go out a few times. If the wife would accompany you for SOME outings that might make her feel more at ease. You do need alone time out and about to see just where you want this to go. The fog will lift and soon you will settle down until the next storm hits.

[AllieSF]

Hi April,

I haven't been in you position yet. But, you are probably still on ar high from your recent trip. Those types of experiences help validate your ability to generally pass in teh real world and can even help to over emphasize those special moments' sensations that we always remember when we think back about that special experience. I think as more time goes by and you get into your regular routine of work, family and play, the Fog will lift and you will have a clearer view and better understanding of it all. As in any potentially life changing situation, patience is the key word. Time is not of the essence. Good luck and thanks for sharing your inner most feelings and thoughts.

[PanteeQueen]

I have mixed feeling all the time. I love my blue side, but when I look at things like breat inplants and reading things aobut being hit on by men it does make my head spin wondering how far this will go. Everythough I am just realizing myself it is a very confusing time.

[Kelsy]

Confusion is something I have to deal with too! I don't get any satifaction from dressing anymore. I need more! the more I learn and the more I experience the more I realize that I can no longer clasisfy myself as CD only!
I am discovering that I am a probable transexual. Sometimes I think that I best get off fthis train because it scares me to think where I am heading!!

Kelsy

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Go Slow - there is BIG difference in having SRS and living full time dressed.

Think about ALL of the considerations and the total effects of whichever path

you choose to go down. Maybe when you get out of the PINK FOG and

come back down to reality, you may just like the way you are - don't make

any hasty decisions.


JoAnne Wheeler