Voicing Myself

[Maddie22]

I've been thinking a lot lately about my true gender. I have been seeking out more resources and looking for groups to join, going back to general counseling (through the counseling center at my University, it may not be gender specialist, but I can't afford to go to a private practice)

I've been thinking alot more what it is to be a CD or TS and to which (I hate being categorized) I feel I am.

At this point in time, I am not going to put a label on myself. I do not think that is fair. I want to explore my options, and have certain goals for myself as well.

I have seen people use the word "transition" very loosely and I have seen people use it very specificly to mean a complete MtoF or FtoM operation (the whole 9 yards). I am not going to use this term, instead I am going to state that I have physical changes I would like to make as I learn more of who I am. I think this is the easiest part to seek for myself.

In steps, what I physical hope to accomplish at the very least:
1.) 100% Upper body Hair Removal
2.) Fix my smile (I hate my smile as a man, and it is even worse when I am presenting)
3.) Grow my hair out and have a feminine hair line, with a style that I can wear more than one way.
4.) Hand and Feet Reduction Surgery (Hey it doesn't exist, but you never know what they can come up with)
5.) Work on voice techniques

At this point in time is when I hope to have the mental side to figure out if I am ready to completley change and start the final 3:
1.) Hormones
2.) Facial Femminization (not too drastic)
3.) SRS

Right now what I am struggling with is the mental aspects of who I am. I know what I feel, and these are some of the ways I feel.

I Know when I dress it is nice and relaxing, but yet there is something missing, like its not complete and I am fooling myself.

I know if some one gave me a choice of starting life back over as a female, I would.

I know that when I was younger 9 or so (I've shared this story a few times) I was watching a skit on TV with my sister and cousin about. The basis was an ex High School QB coming back to a Reunion, but having gone through a Sex Change operation (it was a comedy skit) I didn't know that was possible, until my cousin asked my sister if it was. When my sister said it was, I sat in silence and felt relieved and thought to myself that I'll be able to do that some day.

I started wearing women's clothes at the age of 4

I get the phantom feeling, similar to people that have lost their legs in combat, where they swear they can feel their legs itching. Well for me, when it is tucked, I get the phantom feeling (Don't know how to describe it other than this, and not trying to be graphic by any means) that it is not there, and that female genitalia is there, and it feels more natural.

I know I listen and watch anything I can about people who completely switch genders.

I do not hate my male genitalia

I do not feel like I was "born inside the wrong body"

I've always felt different, and I have always been very self conscience of the way I look (not just clothes, but my natural appearance) In a very awkward way

I'm scared to death to tell my parents anything about this, but I know I will

I have a gut feeling of what I need and want, and I am getting more scared, it consumes me. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. It is like there is something inside that is just dying to get out. I just want to live.

I feel like I am being potentially selfish, and that if my possible gut instinct is correct, that I will be abandoning the first 29 years of life and my parents and friends potentially.

I go in and out of depression, sometimes severe, sometimes mildly.

It becomes harder for me to identify with others as time goes on. However I feel most comfortably around GG, and I am lonely, not for physical, but for emotional support, I need a real life friend.

I worry about the future, and having a good job and being in a supportive community that can help me, along with a city that supports this community.

I just really want to know who I am, or at least have an identity of myself. And I want to be happy.

I'm really scared of the truth right now.

[GypsyKaren]

becca, that's quite a list you got there, and I think the first thing you need to do is pitch it. Try going with one thing on your plate at a time instead of overflowing all over the floor, it will make it a lot easier for you.

The thing to consider now is who you are, and you do that by taking your time and asking a lot of questions, mostly of yourself. There is no need to rush, there is no rule book to follow, but the single most important thing is to be honest with yourself. Don't worry about what others say, just think about how you're doing it, there isn't a single person in the world like you because we're all unique.

Talking to someone is good, always be honest and never afraid to answer anything, and remember that we're all here for you and we love getting questions and trying to help.

Karen :g2:

[Super Amanda]

Hey, I'm 29 too! Anyway, How you feel mirrors how I feel in many ways. A couple of years back I was so scared of the future, and went into a depression for a while. Long story short, I've been coming out to everyone I know, family and friends, and it turns out that I've been worried for nothing. They all just want me to do what makes me happy.

I know that all of our circumstances are very different, but I had a realization that I could not see myself as a depressed 50 something, trying to come out then.

Last year at this time if you would have told me that I would be out to my family and friends, and shopping for girl stuff with my mom, I would have called you crazy.

Now that I have their support, I am going to have my own "real life test" and go full time. When? Most likely in the next few months.

I have been euphoric and feeling whole for the first time in my life.

So I really believe that your age is on your side, don't let a lifetime of pleasure pass you by. I know there are a lot of girls here who wish they came to terms at our age.....

[beckyturner]

go with what ever makes you happy try not to worry about what others think, in the end you can only be what you are and they have to accept that. keep smiling and think of the good things you have, love and best wishes becky.

[Sharon]

Don't be scared of the truth, Becca, because once you figure out what the truth is, you'll be on your way to living your life as fully as possible, no matter what it should turn out to be.

And try to slow down and tackle one thing at a time. It is quite overwhelming to even read your list, much less go through it. As one who has attained each thing on your list, excepting the "nine-yards" part (yet), I will tell you from experience that self-discovery is the most important thing you will ever do. All the other stuff is gravy, no matter how satisfying. :)

[AKAMichelle]

There is nothing wrong with working on multiple items at the same time. By going through the items you will begin to understand yourself. Avoid the bottom 3 items until you have completed your mental preparation.


1.) Hormones
2.) Facial Femminization (not too drastic)
3.) SRS


I have taken a similar method to prepare for my decision. I have no idea what decision I will ultimately make, but improving my appearance is a good thing. :D

[Raquel June]

Hey! I always used to feel like I was a bit different from all the other TG people, but lately I've met several 30-ish people who feel a lot like I do.




I have been seeking out more resources and looking for groups to join, going back to general counseling

That's a good idea. I joined a local support group with several CDs and several TS girls. They help you get some perspective. I'm also going to get back into therapy pretty soon. When I was going, I just didn't feel like I was getting anywhere, but when I stopped going I realized that it did make me feel better. Although my therapist went to my parents' church and I wasn't comfortable talking about gender issues, he figured out I had "social dysphoria" and depression and was otherwise a pretty healthy non-crazy non-paranoid non-sociopathic non-bipolar person. :)




I've been thinking alot more what it is to be a CD or TS and to which (I hate being categorized) I feel I am.

At this point in time, I am not going to put a label on myself. I do not think that is fair. I want to explore my options, and have certain goals for myself as well.

A lot of people don't like to apply TS to someone who isn't definitely on their way to SRS, and CD is more for people who still identify as 100% male. TG is a more general term that would probably fit you better than either of those.

I think you're being very smart/practical/insightful/whatever about everything. Voice is always a good thing to work on! Even with hair removal, though, you are starting down a path. I was never particularly grossed-out by my boy parts, but the little bit of body hair isn't appealing. But heck, you can even get a breast reduction if you want, but you can never get that facial hair back, so it's something to think about.


At this point in time is when I hope to have the mental side to figure out if I am ready to completley change and start the final 3:
1.) Hormones
2.) Facial Femminization (not too drastic)
3.) SRS

I would personally put hormones firmly in the middle between simple things like hair removal and major surgery like FFS and SRS. Most people advise you be on HRT for at least a year before SRS. Not that HRT is something to be taken lightly -- it will likely make you sterile fairly quickly and cause you to start growing boobs.




I Know when I dress it is nice and relaxing, but yet there is something missing, like its not complete and I am fooling myself.

I think I'm with you on this one. I like going out and being myself, but it feels very wrong to be associated with crossdressers. I'm friends with a lot of local crossdressers, but we're on a much different wavelength.




I know if some one gave me a choice of starting life back over as a female, I would.

...

I think I'm with ya on most of these, too. If I could wake up as female tomorrow, I would. I started getting in my mom's stuff and trying to dress like a girl when I was 3 (well, mostly her makeup!), and I always prayed at night to wake up as a girl.




I do not hate my male genitalia

I do not feel like I was "born inside the wrong body"

I think these feelings are a little more unique, but it's kinda how I feel. I went through a period of wanting to cut my junk off, but in general I don't hate my male genitalia. But really a lot of that might be that I'm scared of SRS. And maybe this is just semantics, but I basically don't feel like I was born in the wrong body, either. I was born a boy, and I was always unhappy about that, but I never thought of myself as a girl trapped in the wrong body. I just thought, "I'm a boy, and I don't want to be a boy. I want to be a girl." But I wanted to be a girl because I thought that would be more natural -- that I would be able to express my true self. So maybe I actually did think I was a girl trapped in a boy's body, but it never exactly occurred to me. I was just sad that I was a boy.




I have a gut feeling of what I need and want, and I am getting more scared, it consumes me. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. It is like there is something inside that is just dying to get out. I just want to live.

It's hard not to be overwhelmed. You want to be the real you. You want to be actively doing something that is taking you in the direction that will make you happy. But try not to obsess so much about exactly where this is taking you. Try to be more short-term in your thinking. Do what's comfortable. Today it might be hair removal. Six months from now it might be HRT. For me, I'm on HRT and I honestly have no idea what my feelings will be about SRS a year from now.

For me, my hair's a big part of it. It's about 7" long everywhere now. Basically I'm waiting to see if I can have "passable" hair. In 6 or 9 months, if I have really long hair and I still think it looks terrible, I'm going to have to reevaluate. But it's not like I'd ever be happy going back to trying to be a regular guy. That never worked well. It never felt right. But the less passable you are the more guts it takes. For the love of God, I'm 6'0", 190 lbs, and most of that's muscle that doesn't seem to be going away. At least let me have pretty hair.




I feel like I am being potentially selfish, and that if my possible gut instinct is correct, that I will be abandoning the first 29 years of life and my parents and friends potentially.

That's a very harsh way to think about it. But then again, I've never been close with my family, and I've lost good friends recently.




I go in and out of depression, sometimes severe, sometimes mildly.

...and I am lonely, not for physical, but for emotional support, I need a real life friend.

I worry about the future, and having a good job and being in a supportive community that can help me, along with a city that supports this community.

I just really want to know who I am, or at least have an identity of myself. And I want to be happy.

I'm really scared of the truth right now.

Wow. That's exactly what I'm feeling. I wish I could help. I wish someone could help...
:hugs:

[Melissa A.]

Hi becca,

I too, see tons of myself in your post. So you are far from alone. Late-onset transexuals are pretty common in the TG world. Thinking about a plan is perfectly ok. Worrying about things like family and employment is natural, and that kind of thought process will probably do you alot of good should you move forward with transition.

What exactly is selfishness? If it's a word used by those who would deny you your self-acceptance for their own reasons, that is truly selfish in the most negative sense of the word. If it means you are making a major life change because you need to, Then I will plead guilty to some sort of selfishness. We get one life, as far as we know. We deserve the opportunity for some peace and a shot at being happy-ish.

I was going through similar confusion few years ago. It's a process, and I'm far from through, if I ever will be. You seem to have a good handle on finding out who you are and what you will need, eventually. It's not a race, and tends to happen in stages. But it will. Best of luck and strength to you.

Hugs,

Melissa:)