Advice sought

[Jiera]

Hey all;

It's been about a month and a half since I've posted here. I appreciate the PMs from those of you I've befriended. Hey, I even appreciated the badly misspelled sex offer from a banned member.

The truth is, I've been really struggling with something, and thought I might turn to you. I've never dealt with anything like this before, and I really hope it doesn't make me sound like a drama queen. I'm not sure what I'm after by telling you this, but I can only hope that some of you have dealt with something similar and can offer a pat on the back, or a hug, or a piece of advice, or anything.

I lost a very good friend in the beginning of May. It was a very sudden illness, and a day later, he was gone. He passed away before I could get to the hospital. As is the case with things like this, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I'm not really at peace with that, but I also know there's nothing I can do about it. That conflict is much harder to deal with than I would have thought. I took a long vacation after the funeral, moved to a new apartment, and generally sat by myself and thought about things. Being by myself probably wasn't the smartest thing, but I can't undo it now.

I haven't dressed in a long, long time, and I feel further from it now than I have in years. I haven't purged or anything, but I have very conflicting feelings about this side of me. I'm not religious, or even spiritual, but I can't help but feel like, in a very "Truman Show" sort of way, he's watching me, and would not approve if I slipped into a skirt at the end of the day. I live alone, but I don't feel like I do. I literally cannot bring myself to dress because of this. After I moved, I opened one of my trunks of fem-clothes and just stared at it, not being able to do anything. I haven't opened it since.

My friend obviously didn't know about my CDing. Maybe I eventually would have told him, maybe I wouldn't have, who knows. I don't know how he would have reacted had I told him. He was liberal about some things, conservative about others. Once, he was hit on by a gay guy and flipped out. Another time he was very supportive of a friend who came out of the closet and was disowned by her father. I just don't know how he would have handled my lifestyle.

But because my feminine side is now MIA, I've never felt more masculine in my life, and I feel like that's pushed me even further from going back to CDing. I know how dressing makes me feel, and I know how much I've needed that side of me since college, and I know that it's probably part of who I am forever (believe me, reading posts from 40, 50, 60-year old CDs on this site has been *incredibly* inspiring and helpful), I just can't get into it now. I am terrified that I'll just feel like a guy in a dress.

That I haven't purged is really the only thing that makes me feel like this is a phase. And yet, living without my friend is *not* a phase: it's permanent. Maybe the fact that I teared up as I typed this means I'm not as masculine as I thought. But all I know is I'm really confused, really hurt, and really unsettled. I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts about this, particularly if any of you have ever dealt with something similar.

Jiera

[Tristen Cox]

Glad to see you back, although I wish your circumstances were better. I have dealt with losing someone but it was long ago before I seriously started dressing. Mourning is something we need to do when this kind of thing happens. It's no use trying to get dressed if you don't really want to. I don't have to tell you it will come back on it's own when you are ready. For now try to relax and do other things until you get back into the stream. And I am sorry for your loss :(

*hugs*

[Emily Ann Brown]

I lost a very close friend to suicide. I had talked to her two hours before she took her life. I spent forever feeling guilty for not knowing something was that wrong. I finally realized that my friend loved me dearly and would have wanted me to get on with my life and be happy.

I would suggest that you get involved in something...anything....that takes your mind off the circumstance you have been through so you can have DAYS upon DAYS of everyday thoughts. Then when your mind isn't consumed with your loss things should come back into focus. That's how it happened with me.

We're all rooting for you to get beyond this tough time. If you just want to talk more privately I'll do that too.

Emily Ann

[JoAnnDallas]

I lost my older brother-in-law in 1999. My sister had suffered a heart attack and we feel that he thought she was going to die and could not handle it. I feel in your loss and know that it WILL get better. Each of us handle this kinda of thing differently. With support from family and freinds, you'll get threw this. You also have all of us here on the form to help you.

[Tamara Croft]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. There is nothing wrong with crying, you lost a friend and your still grieving. They say time is a great healer, so just take one day at a time. I know what you mean about the 'Trueman Show' I've often felt like that. But I think that's pretty normal when you have lost someone so close to you. I felt I didn't say a proper goodbye to my gran when she died, so I wrote her a letter. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted too. It may or may not work for you, but you could give it a try.

*Hugs*

[Wendy me]

i have lost quite afew freinds some through illness some in accdents and one who took his own life ....all were hard to deal with..the thing is and i know you have hear it befor is you need to carry on with your own life...i don't mean put this freind away and forget abought him that will never happen as our family and freinds are always a part of us .... the what if's are normal... should have , if i did this ....well that will get a bit easyer in time ... enjoy the thoughts of good times you shared... and at time the littlest things will remind you of your freind eather bring a tear or a smile to you...

as for your dressing let it be when your ready so it will be there waiting for you......
my heart goes out to you for your loss.....huge wendy hugs to you....

[RachelB.]

when my mother passed away I went through this sort of thing. I felt she would see and disapprove ( goes back to childhood). I finally got all dressed up and went to her grave and sat there and had a good cry. Told her I wish I had the courage to tell her while she was still on this earth. I felt better and it helped me. It still wasn't easy but it was better. Time heals all wounds and as it passes it somehow erases the not so good things and emphasizes the good. Remember your friend, mourn your loss, but don't stop living. He wouldn't want that for you.

[Sigrid]

Jiera, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Like yourself, I'm not a very spiritual person either... though I have felt the similar feelings of being watched over by those in my life who have passed away. This feeling has at times led me to feel guilt or shame for my behavior.

I finally came to realize (or rationalize anyway) that if these "spirits" were indeed there and could see me, then they probably would have the ability to see inside me too... my spirit or thoughts. And, if they could, then they would understand that this is who I am and that it was never a choice that I had made. I would also have to believe that those who have passed away would be blessed with infinite understanding and compassion and wouldn't care about who I am, let alone judge me for it.

I know your friend was indeed a compassionate person... you said so yourself. Why wouldn't you believe that he would have been supportive of one of his friends, but not the other? If he is there with you, he knows and understands and he also knows knows that you love him and miss him.

[Julie York]

Hi Jiera. Nice to see you again. I missed your posts but I couldn't bring myself to send badly spelled offers of sex again (DOH!).

Sorry about the circumstances. Your reactions and concerns are perfectly normal. It's a survival mechanism. When you are hurt, you are going to put aside your more vunerable female nature. When you are feeling better I'm sure those old emotions and interests will come back, so don't be fretting about it. You are reacting and feeling just like any of us would.

Good luck.

[DonnaT]

I finally came to realize (or rationalize anyway) that if these "spirits" were indeed there and could see me, then they probably would have the ability to see inside me too... my spirit or thoughts. And, if they could, then they would understand that this is who I am and that it was never a choice that I had made. I would also have to believe that those who have passed away would be blessed with infinite understanding and compassion and wouldn't care about who I am, let alone judge me for it.

I feel the same way. It is believed that once one passes on, they do not pass judgement on those of us left behind.

Plus, I feel that CDing is not wrong and since I expect those in my life still alive not to pass judment on the right or wrong of it, I don't expect any less from the spirits of those that have passed.

[Jiera]

Thank you all for responding. I'm sorry that some of you have experienced losses, too, but it's nice to see that you've drawn some strength from that, and that it's OK for me to follow that lead. I'm not terribly experienced where grief is concerned, so I guess part of me is still trying figure out how to do it properly. You know how, when you have the flu, a tiny part of you thinks that you'll never feel healthy again? You know it's foolish to think that way, but that doesn't stop you.

I did feel better after just posting here yesterday. And Sigrid, you're right, and thinking about your post has me much more at ease this morning, like I really shouldn't have anything to hide. That I *don't* have anything to hide, I should say.

I'll stop babbling now. Thanks again for your thoughtful posts--I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. I'd forgotten how much this place has helped me overall...

Ji

[JoAnnDallas]

It always good to have someone to talk to. If you want to cry on our shoulders go right ahead and do so. Some of us have been there and we all have tissues to dry your eyes.

[tammie]

HI All: JIera, listen I know somewhat how U feel dear. I lost my mom and dad both and I have often thought about how they would feel if they could see or know about my secretlife of CDing. What I finally decided is this: If they know of it they also know my heart and that I don't cause harm or hurt to anyone, I try not to lie. I don't cheat or steal. I contribute to the good of my community and am a help to neighbors and family so what I am trying to say is now they know what is important, the big picture so to speak, and in the great scheme of life wearing color coordinated bras and panties is not such a big deal. Go forward and forgive yourself for not being there when your friend died, dress up and drink a toast to your friend and know in your heart its the right thing to do.

[Stephenie]

JIera,
I think Tamara's idea of the letter to your friend would be a good hing for you, You can write it and buirn it or leave it at thier grave site, or type it on your computer and than press delete or send it to thier e-mail address. But put it your thoughts and feeling in to written words may help you to deal with your lost. I will pray for you. Love

[racquel]

Most all the previous were correct you need to decide which will work for you.Grief is such a subjective subject and transitional as each time we grieve it affects us differently.
All I can offer is a big hugggg.

[sarah]

I lost my best friend to cancer he died in my arms and still to this day i miss him so much... he knew about sarah and had it in his mind he could cure me of my crossdressing ..there is no cure and as much as you try eventually you will dresss again so for my part why waste any part of your life when you can not change no matter how hard you try...i know even though i dont have a religious bone in my body that tony is seeing all....and to that i dress with more enthusiasm ...xxxx :Pray:

[Stlalice]

Jiera,

Your feelings of grief and loss for your friend are entirely natural and to be expected. Some of us need to grieve for a very long time when we lose someone close to us. The idea of writing a "coming out" letter to your friend is a good one and it will help you process your thoughts and feelings. If when you have written your letter you can arrange some small ceremony of your own in which you can say good bye and "send" the letter it will help. If you are out enough to go to his grave dressed, laying some flowers on the grave then burning the letter might provide the release you need. Don't be afraid to cry while you are there. If you do this make sure you have a friend along to drive you to and from if possible. If you are not out enough to do this then pick a private space where you will be comfortable and safe - set up a picture of your friend - light a candle or two - say a prayyer if you are so inclined - then burn the letter. Take the time to cry and "talk" to him. If your friend was as good and understanding as you say his spirit wil hear you and he will understand. Also remember that time is a great healer and in time only the good memories will last. In any case may you find peace and comfort. :cry: :cry: