Search for Your Authentic Self

[LisaM]

A few years ago I had lunch with a friend of mine who was living full-time although she had not has SRS. She tried to explain to me the concept of searching for her 'authentic self'. As much as she tried I was still unable to grasp her thinking about this concept.

Well, yesterday I had an epiphany. I was out for the first time in 11 years and I was just trying to savor all my feelings when it occurred to me what she meant by her 'authentic self'.

I started my day at a wonderful wig vendor who does not advertise to the gender community. The owner was extremely nice and tried desperately to get me to feel comfortable. Since it was so long since my last time out I found it very difficult to relax and feel comfortable. But it still was nice to relate to a woman who treated me as another woman despite my one-word answers to her color and style questions.

Later that evening I went to a gender community dinner where most of the 'girls' considered themselves CDs. There I really struggled with my feelings. I have never considered myself to be a CD. I have always thought of myself as TS--I was aware of my gender identity issues long before puberty. I tried to think about where I fit in.

I probably looked better than most of the girls at the dinner but I clearly didn't look as good as a lot of them. I was despondent and jealous at the same time. I also reflected on how I acted when I was out earlier at the wig store---I was stilted and too quiet and I felt uncomfortable presenting as a woman. So I started to wonder whether I was pretending to be a woman or whether I was really TS.

And this got me thinking about being your 'authentic self'. I have always felt that I wanted to be female---from my earliest memories. But I have lived 50 years as a male and have missed all of those years in learning how to be a natural female. So what really is my 'authentic self'? Is it Lisa who I have always dreamed I was? Or is it my boy self? and how do you find out the answer? Walking around yesterday I struggled at times presenting as Lisa. How should I walk? How should I carry my bag? What do people think when they see me? Do they see a male dressed as a female? Do I feel comfortable presenting as a woman? How should I act? or move? Am I kidding myself? Am I nuts? How do I achieve peace?

Interestingly, one of the women at the gender event has achieved the sense of ease at presenting as a female that I could only dream about. I can only imagine her secret but I know that she doesn't struggle with her spouse because her spouse is severely ill and doesn't concern herself with her dressing. Secondly, she dresses frequently---any time she wants so she has grown accustomed to being herself. But given my situation where my spouse is less accomadating and my time as Lisa is few and far between I had to ask myself will I ever find that comfort where I really feel that Lisa is my authentic self.

It is a very difficult question and learning the answer is probably what we are all trying to do. But I would be curious as to how others have dealt with this 'concept'.

[Lisa Golightly]

I always knew I was 'real thing'... It's a question of going with the flow... I'm just Lisa, and I've always had people tell me I'm such a girl... but when I take the brakes off and stop thinking about what I'm mean't to be doing and behaving then it all seems to go click, click, click.

Of course nothing is perfect... My voice is hopless, but thankfully I'm very soft spoken... My friends are skittish... and I'm terrified to be on this path somedays. Authentic self? I'm not pretending anymore... That's authentic enough for me.

[Nicki B]

..she dresses frequently---any time she wants so she has grown accustomed to being herself. But given my situation where my spouse is less accomadating and my time as Lisa is few and far between I had to ask myself will I ever find that comfort where I really feel that Lisa is my authentic self.

It is a very difficult question and learning the answer is probably what we are all trying to do. But I would be curious as to how others have dealt with this 'concept'.

Sounds like you've already given the answer, to me? Practice..

[LisaM]

Nicki,

I guess I knew the answer but I just wanted to hear it from others.

[GypsyKaren]

You're "authentic self" has nothing to do with gender, appearance, mannerisms, or clothes, it's the kind of person you are inside your heart. Anything that has to do with "wanting" isn't it, it's the kindness and good inside of you, the caring, everyone has it though some refuse to allow it to be.

Karen :g2:

[Senban]

LisaM, I wish I could give you an answer, I really do because then maybe I could give the answer to myself. These are some of the exact same issues I'm trying very hard to understand about myself right now.

LisaM said - "Am I kidding myself? Am I nuts? How do I achieve peace?"

Yep, I know this feeling only too well :sad:

This idea of an "authentic self" is actually quite interesting. I know what my "authentic self is"; the problem comes from accepting it and doing something about it and that generates a lot of friction, don't you think? Something I wrote in another post sums up my situation.


Best way to think of me is a girl who sometimes wears male clothing for practical reasons rather than a boy who sometimes wears female clothing for whatever reason

[Karen564]

I think it takes a while to find your female self, I mean it's been there all along, but has been kept inside for too long, and you said you haven't been out dressed in 11 years, so that's a long time, we are programed to socialize as males, so by all of a sudden dressing up will Not just instantly ride yourself of your male traits/mannerisms you had for so long and expect to suddenly present your female side, it takes some time to deprogram our brains to let our true female self emerge from it's depths within us.
But once you do, it just gets better.

[kellycan27]

it's not how you act or how you look,its how you feel inside. Once i came to tems with the fact that I was indeed a female inside. The needed to bring her out began to override any feelings of guilt or fear. i was still plenty scared, but something inside drove me forward, and the more forward I went the more confidence I gained, and the more confidence I gained the further I went. In my case there was still something holding me back, I just couldn't seem to get over the summit. turns out that no matter how much I wanted to live my life as a woman there where things in my present circumstance that I just couldn't get past. friends,family, job. it finally dawned on me. I had to get away,start over, be reborn if you will. I moved out of state and began to live full time. New place,new friends,new job, new person. Kelly was born, it wasn't easy, near impossible actually, but I just had to do it for my own sanity. little by little things began to fall into place, then one day (not lietally one day) a kind of calm decended on me, and I said to myself.. This is right,this is me, this is how i should be living my life. I had established a base where I was comfortable, and where I could be me. i didn't have to feel guilty,or live up to anyone elses's expectations but my own. Now I was free to take it even further.... transistion. I began the process of tranistioning.
Today i am well on my way, happier than I have ever been because I have found my "authentic self"
that's my story and i am sticking to it.
just the cliff notes.. there's a whole lot more to .i am just giving you the condensed version LOL
Kelly

[deja true]

But Lisa, aren't you confusing the manifestations of female-ness with what's really important to your life...? And that's the reality of the woman that you believe you are.

Sure it's important to you to have the appearance of the woman you are striving to be. But that's all just learned behaviour. And sure, women have had a lifetime living the role, so their actions, expressions, movements come natural to them. But there are plenty of women who aren't all that feminine in their actions or demeanor.

For CD's, in many cases, it's that appearance that's all they have. And that is all they want. The years of practice, of watching, of emulating has led them to beautiful presentations. See? It's all learned behaviour. If the CD girl you admired can do it, so can you. But that's not really the important thing for you, I think.

You have something else, Lisa. You have the blessing... and the curse. And if the blessing is important to you, you'll do your best to follow your path to be blessed. Even if the path peters out before you get to where you hunger to be, the curse will be abated. You will have done your very, very best.

Good luck to you, dear one...

:<3:

[LisaM]

GypsyKaren,
You are right--the authentic self is what is inside of me--I just have to let it out.

Senban,
I feel better that others feel the same things I feel and I agree that I really feel that I am a woman who has to wear boy's clothes occassionally.

Karen,
I agree that I have to get out more and I will

Thank you for the comments

[~Kelly~]

I honestly think it LESS to do with a "search" for your authentic self as it does with merely letting your authentic self out. It is said so often "I am finally free to be me" but I don't think that everybody who says that really knows what it means or actually does it. I think the largest obstacle you will face is getting past the concept of presuming to know what other people's perception of you is. Anytime an action is done because you think that is what you are "supposed" to do, then you are merely perpetuating a stereotype in the opposite direction. Is that really "you" or what you "think" is expected of you? Are you living your life for yourself and your happiness or are you still trying to conform to the same stereotypes that kept you imprisoned for so long (only now in reverse)? This concept took me quite a while to actually grasp. In case you can't quite follow what I am saying, here is an example.....when you go to put make-up on, are you wearing it because it makes you feel pretty and confident? or is it because that is what women are supposed to do? When you buy a pair of shoes, do you buy the cute comfortable shoes or the ultra feminine painful ones? When you choose your clothing for the day, are you dressing because you genuinely like your outfit and are comfortable in it or is it to give off an impression to everyone who sees you as to your femininity? I just feel that many of the people who are adamant about the fact that they are "free to be themselves" are no more "themselves" now than when they started. Transitioning and "finding yourself" is about breaking down the behaviors that perpetuate the stereotypes of how you "should" act or behave and NOT replace them with new ones.

[LisaM]

Kelly,

Your post is very thoughtful. I agree that it is about letting my authentic self out. I believe in comfort when I dress so when I have a choice i wear jeans or slacks. I'm 6'3" tall so I rarely wear heels and I really feel comfortable in flats. Being authentic to me doesn't mean looking like a fashion model---it means being a woman and not looking like a man. In answer to your question about putting on makeup it's interesting because it really makes me feel like myself---it makes me feel good and confident about myself. So I don't believe I am trying to live up to stereotypes--I am just trying to be myself---probably less feminine than a lot of women but more than others.

[Karen564]

Kelly,
Now That was Deep!!! and oh so very true, every bit of it. :)

What it boils down to is just being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin, no matter how you dress..
But of course who cant resist some killer heels now & then to just look sweet, ahh the pains we go though to look nice.
But I love feeling pretty & special, even if I'm not, it just brings out my femininity even more so.

[~Kelly~]

.......What it boils down to is just being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin, no matter how you dress..
But of course who cant resist some killer heels now & then to just look sweet.............

I am in no way saying not to be fashionable........the fashion industry would not last very long at all if every woman went with wearing sweats and flip flops merely because they are comfortable. However there is a big difference in dressing because you like how you look and feel pretty and dressing so others can get an impression that you are feminine. It is very hard to make the differentiation sometimes but one is for you, and the other is for others.

[Karen564]

I am in no way saying not to be fashionable.........


Yeah, I know, that would be criminal if you said otherwise, if you did, I'd be forced to send the fashion police after you. :)