SO is Accepting, But Negative. Oxymoron?

[Marissa Mae]

Heya everyone!

Ok... I gotta talk to someone about this, because I don't know what to do. My GF knows all the tidbits and reasons for crossdressing (those that I can explain, anyways haha), and has known about it for 3 of the 3.5 years we have been together. She has gone out with me on numerous occasions, been shopping with me (more on this in next part), has signed up on here and talked to other SO's. She has been wonderful, and I realize just how fortunate I am to have someone like her in my life :hugs:

Where she stands: well, she accepts, as I stated above, but only in the bedroom or on a cold, dark night away from society where we could run into someone. I understand her completely in that aspect, and only too keenly realize what kind of impact me being outed to someone we know could potentially have on our relationship/jobs etc. This seems to be the biggest "compromise" of our relationship, because I am at that point where I want to explore the great outdoors as Marissa. I am not about to just shirk her feelings and just "go", as what I have with her is more important than a few thrills out in public.

But the trouble I need help with, is that while she is accepting, she is damned negative about anything that I mention about CD'ing. The littlest thing uttered brings about an insincere attitude or remark, and it constantly has me on the defensive... almost like it's forcing me back into the closet after briefly experiencing being out. I have gotten to the point where I avoid talking to her about it completely with her (but she asks about it.. weird); I don't dress around her anymore, and my clothing is secure from prying eyes. We live together, share a room, so I keep it to myself as best I can, yet as many of you know, CD'ing has a tendency to spill over the rim every now and then. I have nothing to hide from her, and realize more talking is better, but she is quick to change the subject after getting frustrated with me trying to get a read on her feelings.

As I mentioned, we have gone out together on plenty of occasions, and she tells me herself that once she gets out and comfortable, it doesn't bother her. But I tell you, getting her out the door is so difficult. I always tell her in advance that I am going to go out one night (usually a week or 2 in advance), and I always invite her, never force. 99% of the time she says "NO", which is ok with me since I can go on my own, but she starts in on the negativity and guilt tripping. Even worse, she tries to "sand bag" me, a term I made up to describe the act of slowing me down so it gets too late to go out or making me feel bad for it... telling me to "hold on a minute, would you wait" or making an excuse for me not to go. I just don't get it: we spend every day, night and weekend together, and just once in a while I want to go out as Marissa... why does she have to drizzle her negativity on everything? Any time I mention anything even vaguely referencing CD'ing, it's a negative response, be it in a statement, a roll of the eyes, or her body language. Never a "maybe you should try this shade" or "you already have enough boots, check out some pumps or flats", or "we had so much fun last time, I wouldn't mind going again". NEVER. If I got just ONE positive comment from her once in a while, I would be so thrilled.


I have been as compromising as one can be, and just want her to be happy, but this is really suffocating. Short of me going cold turkey (which is impossible, already tried that), CD'ing is here to stay, and if this were to keep up, I can see myself not being able to take it anymore despite how strong all the other parts of our relationship are. If she were coming down on something else that wasn't a part of my being, then I could do more about it. You know what I am saying?

:(

[DaphneGrey]

Dear Marissa

Reading your thread, It seems your so, is the reverse mirror image of mine. She supports me in my life, knows I dress and gives me all the space I need to be Daphne. She gets really upset if I bring it up. However If I am having a bad week she will say I am going to my parents, why don't you go Be girly?

It sounds to me, and I could be wrong, that your so is happy for the sensual/fetish component of CD. But she is becoming unsure of herself as Marissa becomes more independent. Perhaps she is afraid of loosing you to her?

Very often if my SO is upset about something non CD related she is much less supportive.

Just wondering if it is the same with you?

The other thought I have is this, As girly as I am even emotionally, the one thing I can't do is match woman's intuition, they just know stuff often able to pick up on silent energy. She may well fear apart of Marissa you haven't told her about, or she may pick up on and fear a part of Marissa you haven't yet realized.

Of course none of this has to apply, and that is the nature of forums, hard to read a person through a paragraph.

I hope this helps.

[Marissa Mae]

Dear Marissa

Reading your thread, It seems your so, is the reverse mirror image of mine. She supports me in my life, knows I dress and gives me all the space I need to be Daphne. She gets really upset if I bring it up. However If I am having a bad week she will say I am going to my parents, why don't you go Be girly?

It sounds to me, and I could be wrong, that your so is happy for the sensual/fetish component of CD. But she is becoming unsure of herself as Marissa becomes more independent. Perhaps she is afraid of loosing you to her?

I know my so was raised in a very conservative and unemotionally expressive home. And I do believe that is part of the problem.

Until she became a little more comfortable, I would value a mindset that you SO has: just give me my space to do what I want. I won't talk about or share it with you if you do not want to. It is not harming you, I am not forcing it on you, so just let me be.

When you say that "she is afraid of you losing you to her", I believe this is what is going on more so than anything else. She has asked several times "you don't want to become a woman, do you?" and such. I CD maybe once a day, with long stretches where I won't at all, and she witnesses the frequency. Yet no amount of reinforcement seems to help assuage her fear. Maybe she thinks that all I'll want to do is go out dressed, or spend all of my money and time on clothing, and not her?

[DaphneGrey]

Until she became a little more comfortable, I would value a mindset that you SO has: just give me my space to do what I want. I won't talk about or share it with you if you do not want to. It is not harming you, I am not forcing it on you, so just let me be.

When you say that "she is afraid of you losing you to her", I believe this is what is going on more so than anything else. She has asked several times "you don't want to become a woman, do you?" and such. I CD maybe once a day, with long stretches where I won't at all, and she witnesses the frequency. Yet no amount of reinforcement seems to help assuage her fear. Maybe she thinks that all I'll want to do is go out dressed, or spend all of my money and time on clothing, and not her?

Perhaps she needs some strong boundries and some onehundred percent focuson her for a while. If she is unsure about the time a d expence. Perhaps you could talk about those things and find a comfort level.

[TxKimberly]

You know, I am growing fond of this phrase: We have our head trips, and they have theirs.
You girlfriend is a human being, and as such, she is going to have her good days and her bad ones. It's not at all surprising that she has conflicting feelings about it - so do most of US. To my mind, the most valuable gift an SO can give you (related to cross dressing) is her knowing but still accepting you. Not all women are going to be willing or able to participate or be a part of it, but just her knowing and still accepting you is much better than a lot of folks received when they came out.

[Annie D]

Do you remember how you felt when you first started dressing? For me there was guilt and shame; men don't wear women's clothes, am I a pervert or what? My wife has had those same feelings, not only about me but also about herself. As time goes on she has become more and more accepting. When your SO is totally accepting, I think that she has not only overcome her own feelings but overcome her perception of about society views us. The pressure that they feel from society is every bit as heavy as the pressure we feel on ourselves.

I believe that people are so worried about how others might perceive them when someone in their family might be different that they try to keep you in the closet out of sight.

[Angie G]

I think it maybe an insecurity issues coming into play here Marissa. I don't know of what or why. Just a thought hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Sally2005]

Maybe it is separation anxiety...she doesn't want to stay home alone or you are not putting the same effort in to planning something for her or both of you.

[Kelli Michelle]

I have had similar situations arise. Rather than go into pretty much a duplicate of your experiences, I will just relate my thoughts.

I think the bottom line is that she does not like what you are doing---period. That's the emotional side. I think her head is saying, "but I love/like him", and "I am an enlightened person who doesn't look at outdated social mores", etc. BUT....it's hard to say. I would continue to try to engage her to find out how she feels on both the emotional and intellectual fronts.

It is gonna get old with the constant negative quips, looks, delaying tactics, etc. So you need to ask her enough questions to get to the root. Also, tell her where you want to go with this, if you know. Be as honest with her as you want her to be with you.

I wouldn't say that she is accepting, but rather tolerant, a whole different thing. Relatively, that's probably a better than most of the cders in the world have it. Remember that. Still, that doesn't mean you have to be happy with the level of tolerance. Based on what you are saying she is saying/doing, the tolerance level is not all that high, imho. Maybe after further discussion you can figure out what she really wants, and what you really want. After the meeting of the minds, you can both decide where you go from there.:2c:

[TxKimberly]

I have had similar situations arise. Rather than go into pretty much a duplicate of your experiences, I will just relate my thoughts.

I think the bottom line is that she does not like what you are doing---period. That's the emotional side. I think her head is saying, "but I love/like him", and "I am an enlightened person who doesn't look at outdated social mores", etc. BUT....it's hard to say. I would continue to try to engage her to find out how she feels on both the emotional and intellectual fronts.

It is gonna get old with the constant negative quips, looks, delaying tactics, etc. So you need to ask her enough questions to get to the root. Also, tell her where you want to go with this, if you know. Be as honest with her as you want her to be with you.

I wouldn't say that she is accepting, but rather tolerant, a whole different thing. Relatively, that's probably a better than most of the cders in the world have it. Remember that. Still, that doesn't mean you have to be happy with the level of tolerance. Based on what you are saying she is saying/doing, the tolerance level is not all that high, imho. Maybe after further discussion you can figure out what she really wants, and what you really want. After the meeting of the minds, you can both decide where you go from there.:2c:


I think this was an excellent post. It's hard to change how someone feels on an emotional level (IE Distaste) but clearly she is trying to tolerate this despite her feelings. I think that speaks well of her - she is trying to over come her feelings. What else can you really ask?

[Marissa Mae]

I think this was an excellent post. It's hard to change how someone feels on an emotional level (IE Distaste) but clearly she is trying to tolerate this despite her feelings. I think that speaks well of her - she is trying to over come her feelings. What else can you really ask?

Agreed on her being tolerant vs. accepting. I truly am open to the opportunity to "get inside her head" and hear what she has to say, but even trying to discuss it brings on an instant change of subject. Maybe she just isn't ready to go further yet, and it's totally understandable. I don't want to rush her in the slightest; at the same time, I need just a little bit of "my" time, to CD when I want without her bringing me down. It isn't too much to ask, is it? Her and I do almost everything together, I try to make her happy in anyway I can, but it doesn't seem to help.

[Tracy_cd]

I have a similar situation with my wife, that she seems sort of accepting at times, but can switch to being negative.

Sometimes she sees me dressed, but for the most part I keep it out of sight to avoid issues. I only dress once a week at most, when no one is home. She has purchased things for me and even helped out with my look a couple times. However, there are times when we are in disagreement on something else (unrelated to CD) and on occasion she gets bent on my CD'ing and draws it into the problem out of nowhere. I understand that she would rather this side of me go away, but she also wants me to be happy. She is genuinely torn on wanting me to be happy and if she gets frustrated, she sometimes brings all her frustrations into the discussion/argument...

I have noticed a similar reaction to other facets of my life. I race motorcycles (mx) a few times a year. She encourages me to do that as I really look forward to it and enjoy it. She is supportive and does not give me any issues while the bike is in the garage. However, when race day comes and goes, I get some negativity about it. For example, if the races run a little late, I often get the third degree about not being home soon enough, or similar things (despite warning her it might be a long day). It really confuses me...

There seems to be a correlation, that even while supporting activities, it is only to a point. As soon as it effects her in anyway, it can get a little touchy. I think it is just her venting and it cuts across everything, not just the CD'ing.

Honestly, I cannot complain, and I am really not complaining. Just making an observation. I love my wife dearly and try very hard to please her and be a good husband and father.


Tracy

[Kelli Michelle]

I have a similar situation with my wife, that she seems sort of accepting at times, but can switch to being negative.

Sometimes she sees me dressed, but for the most part I keep it out of sight to avoid issues. I only dress once a week at most, when no one is home. She has purchased things for me and even helped out with my look a couple times. However, there are times when we are in disagreement on something else (unrelated to CD) and on occasion she gets bent on my CD'ing and draws it into the problem out of nowhere. I understand that she would rather this side of me go away, but she also wants me to be happy. She is genuinely torn on wanting me to be happy and if she gets frustrated, she sometimes brings all her frustrations into the discussion/argument...

I have noticed a similar reaction to other facets of my life. I race motorcycles (mx) a few times a year. She encourages me to do that as I really look forward to it and enjoy it. She is supportive and does not give me any issues while the bike is in the garage. However, when race day comes and goes, I get some negativity about it. For example, if the races run a little late, I often get the third degree about not being home soon enough, or similar things (despite warning her it might be a long day). It really confuses me...

There seems to be a correlation, that even while supporting activities, it is only to a point. As soon as it effects her in anyway, it can get a little touchy. I think it is just her venting and it cuts across everything, not just the CD'ing.

Honestly, I cannot complain, and I am really not complaining. Just making an observation. I love my wife dearly and try very hard to please her and be a good husband and father.


Tracy


Again very much like my situation. My own thoughts are that, like my wife, your wife is feeling that you are "leaving" her and not including her. It doesn't matter that she has no interest in the activity, btw. I don't know about you, but I ask my wife to come, whenever I go out to do anything, almost.

Is your wife a "homebody"? My wife is. She would rather stay at home around her family, and never move, except with them. Not complaining, nothing wrong with that. In fact some people would say she saounds like an ideal family wife/mother. What she has never got, or understood, is that some people need alone time. Because of that she really doesn't like me going anywhere on my own, period, except for basic stuff, or if I am with my brother, work, those kind of things. Maybe your wife is the same.

This is one of our issues. I have always wanted to spend at least some quality time with her, and continue to develop our relationship....in other words DATE. She doesn't like us to go out very often, unless we are close by to the kids (13 & 18), or actually with them. Her first words are, let's not be too late...". I am more a spontaneous type person, so would respond, " the kids are fine, let's just see where the night takes us...". Anyway,so our relationship has sorta atrophied over the 22yrs. we have been married. Are there any similarities with your wife?

I try to address the subject of her feeling left out, by trying to do other things with her, as I am trying to allay these feeling alone issues she has. Maybe you could try something similar.

[Marissa Mae]

As you both mentioned about including your SO's, I make that my main priority with her in anything I do, and it seems to keep her happy. We have a great relationship, except for this quarrelsome CD'ing.

[mklinden2010]

Nice set of posts.

But, it's not what's up with her, it's what's up with you.

My SOs have balked at things along the way, and I wasted opportunities and efforts while I worried about them, argued with them... But, I learned to just stick with what I'd said I was going to do and to live with the consequences, which, oddly enough became less and less the more I stuck with my words.

Perhaps because if I didn't do what I needed to do, I was the one who was upset, and remained upset. Think about that "need" remaining frustrated. Or, just having your plans for Thursday disrupted after all the time you put into it. But, if I did what I needed to do, and did what I'd set out to do, I was in a better mood and more productive for having done it. There was a reason, after all, for what I had come up with to do...

Most supporting SOs, I think, "get it" that it's something that we want/need to do and go along with it because, at the very least, "It's easier to do that than to get stuck going nowhere." Makes sense and works pretty well in practice.

So, I don't know what's up with your girlfriend, and I don't think I need to. People are people and if you're the best person you can manage to be, they will pick up on that and find a way to get happy with what makes you happy.

Again, "Oh, he just loves to hunt out in the snow. I'd rather he didn't but..." Or, "Oh, he just loves to go to those races. I go sometimes, but it's so noisy!" And, "Oh, football... I just learned to make up a sandwich tray and read a book on the couch. Go Eagles!"

You'll work it out, you two, or, you won't.

It's always one thing or another - all the time - when you live with someone.

But, people manage to be happy....

Good luck.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

My Spouse is TOTALLY PARANOID that someone might recognize me (I doubt

it) or her if we went out and does not want HER REPUTATION to be

embarrassed - that is my situation and I'm stuck in it

JoAnne Wheeler

[TxKimberly]

My Spouse is TOTALLY PARANOID that someone might recognize me (I doubt

it) or her if we went out and does not want HER REPUTATION to be

embarrassed - that is my situation and I'm stuck in it

JoAnne Wheeler

Yeah, but don't you have to ask yourself if that's an unreasonable attitude for her to have? I don't think it's unreasonable at all for her to be scared or paranoid about that. A lot of US are scared and paranoid about that. We may overcome our fear because we get something out of it - we get a reward. We get freedom and happiness with what we do. What do our wives get out of it? Nothing but the fear.

[linnea]

She supports me in my life, knows I dress and gives me all the space I need to be Daphne. She gets really upset if I bring it up. However If I am having a bad week she will say I am going to my parents, why don't you go Be girly.

Wow! I would love to have this kind of acceptance!

[Tracy_cd]

It was interesting the similar situation to mine that others might have. The comment about a "homebody" made me think a little.

My wife is a homemaker, I am the sole breadwinner at this time so her primary focus is the home and the kids. She is awesome at this, and extremely skilled with the kids. Most of our activities are geared around the family, ranging from yard work to trips around the area.

So, the pattern emerging is that I am doing a few activities that don't involve the family. In the mx case, I have tried to include them, but my wife is very uninterested. In the CD case, well, that is not going to happen...

With the kid's busy schedule, work, etc, my wife and I do not get out much together, once a month if that. I know she would like to do that more, and has stated it, but I am a bit of a stick in the mud... I don't care for bars and clubs, just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Now, if we could mix the CD'ing in there a bit, we could have girl's nights out! Ok, dreaming again... It is a struggle to find things we both like and can get a babysitter for. Typical...

But, I think that is probably the main issue, that I go do activities but "we" don't. So, in her eyes, I suppose she sees my solo activities as ones that take away from her or the family. With precious little time available, it is perceived as competition to her and/or the family.

I probably need to make sure that my wife and I have some kind of "date" for each of my excursions. Maybe that would balance things out more?

Tracy