Truth v Ego massage?

[Mirani]

Hi,
Not wanting to hijack another thread on loved ones (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=103162) , I have started this one.

This is NOT a comment upon the poster or her partner. It is about the principle.

"For instance..with picture...SO always wants to know what I think. Do I be totally honest, or did I hold back?"

I am thinking about two areas:
The one-to-one between partners and posters (especially in the Picture Gallery).

When you (we) ask the "does my bum look big in this?" question or "tell me what you think - be honest" - do we want the truth (even kindly put) or do we want to hear that we look "good" or "feminine" or "pretty" - even if we look like a guy in a dress still?

In the picture threads, posters quite often say "be kind" .... perhaps they really mean "don't be honest!".

As for me, some years ago, I believe I wanted to have my ego massaged, and my self-perception (deception?) perpetuated.

These days I REALLY want the truth (especially from my partner, whose standards I trust) and if I don't look "good", I want to know how to look better.

So, over to you (CD'ers and G.G.'s).

Do you want the truth or ego massage?

[Leslie Mary S]

While egos can be very fragile, I would rather have the truth. I know I look like a guy in a dress and make-up but so do many 'born females' I know.
I have a rural look. Not the big city sexy kitten look. I accept the truth. It is the internal feel I have when done up that I like. The rest of the world can stuff it if they don't like it. Ever shoot pool in a 'V' neck dress? The forms sometimes show. So what if I am asked I can simply say "Ever hear of masecromy?" Implying but not declairing that I have had one or two breasts removed. I still walk and dance fem.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I pump egos when it is deserved and I tell the truth when it is needed

JoAnne Wheeler

[tamarav]

This subject is, and always has been, a touchy one at best. I have been slammed by members here when I made comments on pictures by other members that were way less than even trying. Even when the poster asked for honest criticism.

So today, I treat everyone as I do my wife when asked these types of questions. If the poster really doesn't want to hear what I have to say, I either don't comment, or I comment on any positive aspect that I can, "Nice hair" etc.

If she asks me if her jeans make her butt look big, and they do, I skip right along to the time, or that her hair looks nice. Diplomacy may be the key to a longer relationship in this case.

When I do transformation work with individual clients I have to be tactfully honest in my approach to their efforts. But, I am honest when I glide into the changes that "should" be made to assist them in looking better in my eyes. The pink fog is very thick on occasion and my job at that time is to cut through it and shine a light on areas that need the light.

If I am going out with a sister and she clearly will set off alarms as we go anywhere, I attempt to gently assist her in whatever aspect I can. Sometimes it is just the attire, other times the hair or makeup. Compassion is the key and not totally destroying the person's ego must be kept in mind.

I do, however, remember my sisters talking with their friends and making the most rude remarks ever about how their friends were dressed or madeup. I hope we never get to that level of honesty...

[Shelly Preston]

The truth is something which we all need from time to time

Constructive criticism is the best option

We all like our ego boosted at some time and sometimes it help boost confidence to go on to greater things

I know who to ask if I want the real truth and I will get it too

Yes sometimes it can hurt but how else would I learn whats wrong and how to improve

[deja true]

Yeah,but even that constructive criticism can be a bit embarrassing in a public forum, huh? So maybe the best way to go, if you're really interested in helping and the girl needs some serious advice (That short skirt does not do your biggish legs any favors!) is to do it in a PM.

:)

[SherriePall]

I don't ask so you don't have to tell. And for others, I have found that there are many ways to say the same thing.

[Sarah...]

Do you want the truth or ego massage?

Truth please :)

It doesn't matter what subject we're talking about. I value truth. I give it. I expect to receive it. And I do. And sometimes it hurts :eek:

Sarah...

[Kathi Lake]

I like compliments as much as the next girl, however, I am looking for the truth even more. Girls spend way more time practicing with makeup, hair and clothes than I get to. As a result, they are much better at it. I'm always looking for tips, tricks and ways to make my appearance better. I value that much more than a hollow "You look great!" I hope I'm not too honest in the picture threads. If I think a comment from me might help, I'll gladly offer it.

Women have always been honest with me - maybe because they see I'm serious about my appearance. When I go into a store, I will ask them before leaving when they knew I wasn't a girl. Some know it right off. Some don't know until I speak. Each one has given me valuable information - "Your hands seemed too big," "You're really tall, which made me look closer," - things I can't really change, and even some things about my makeup or clothing that I can (and have) changed.

So, unlike Tom Cruise, I can indeed "handle the truth!" and want it. Chances are, I already know. I have a mirror, and it doesn't lie.

Kathi

[charlie]

I believe that most CD's do have the perception that we are men in dresses and as such want straight forward criticism so we can project better. If my makeup application is bad, I want to hear how to look better. If my legs look bad in short dresses, let me know...etc.

[kellycan27]

I believe in honesty...But as far as someone asking how they look, IMHO I think most are looking for some kind of validtion . I don't see any harm in massaging their ego a bit... Anyway I have seen some pretty honest remarks from time to time... some brutally honest. A while back I came across a thread where someone had posted a pic, and asked that exact question. This person really put themselves out there. And by that persons words i could tell that they really felt good about it. I am not a sappy girl, but just reading that person's words made me cry. You could just tell how much this person wanted it. The truth of the matter was that it was pretty over the top, by no strech. i am not saying that the person was ugly or anything like that, just that the outfit was totally inappropriate for this particular individual . And the way that this person asked.. They left themselves wide open. Like... they were asking for it!
I started to read the replys. A couple of replys were from some that are usually in your face honest.... Call em like I see em types.
I was thinking OMG.. this poor soul.
Every single reply said... NO, Not for you, don't look right,
But to my surprise, everyone of those negitive replys were were tempered as not to hurt the persons feelings, and full of constructive advice. When that person replied to the comments they had read I could almost see the joy in their words. Yes, they got the truth, NO YOU DON"T LOOK GOOD but in a kind,constructive positive way. It was awesome, and totally got to my heart.
Yes we can massage the ego, we can be honest and we can do it in a productive positive way... without being mean or brutal.

[Lisa Golightly]

I think when you start out you need those positive words of encouragement... They kind of help you grow... I try to be encouraging to those new to taking photographs... When you're an old girl like me... well for me there's only one person's opinion that matters, and there's only one person I take them for... So comment or no it doesn't matter as much as it did when I needed confidence in myself.

[Ronni Seymour]

Though the truth hurts at times, I want to know it, if I ask for it. Of course, it does make it easier to swallow if it's done with consideration of my feelings, and in a constructive manner. We all need feedback to learn to look our best.

[TxKimberly]

Mirani, when it come to myself, i wouldn't change a thing about your post - it works perfectly for me as well. IF I'm insane enough to actually ask someone's opinion, I DO want the honest answer even if it might hurt.

[KarenS]

I would like to hear the truth. But, as has already been said, there are ways...

I find that people are much more receptive and even encouraged if a kind word about something that does look good is offered with the constructive point.

"I love your hair style but the form fitting skirt appears to be a little young for your hair style."

[Nicki B]

Do you want the truth or ego massage?

'You look awful' and 'You might look better if you did X' could both, at the same time, be 'truths' - but which would you rather hear?

[Nicole Erin]

I prefer the truth. Part of that truth will of course be what I should change.
No big deal, it is better to hear the truth from a non-judgemental person than to go out in the real world and hear the rude version of the truth from someone who is not concerned about my feelings.

Funny thing is, I have had a lot more criticism from other CD/TS than from non-TG folks. Some TG who have had snide comments about my looks seem to have no idea about how to dress anyways, like they select their style according to what turns them on instead of trying to blend best they can. GG's don't run around in ball gowns, petty coats, or wedding dresses :heehee:

If the truth about your femme side is what you really want, it is best to get it from non-judgemental non-TG folks.

Also, when you DO hear the truth, it is a learning opportunity. Remember the old saying "He who makes no mistakes has learned nothing"

[Lora Olivia]

The truth of course. I know that I am a BIG girl.If I was to ask for comments I am looking for things to improve upon. When I make a comment on such a post I try to make any negative comments in a helpful suggestive way.

[Sally24]

I'm hoping for an ego massage but I want the truth. Just hoping they're the same thing on a good day!

Personally I always try to give truthful, constructive feedback to people.

[PaulaSF]

I sorta spin my catty/dishy reputation to advantage, in these sorts of situtaions...

In general, I'd argue that a lot of t-gals (speaking of ones I see out & about...) have an already inflated sense of themselves (perhaps a function, of sliver-tongued, serial-player admirers chatting 'em up, to quickly bed them, and move on :)

So my constructive criticism is intended in a grounding and mentoring sense: if we're going to the time & trouble to go out en femme, we might as well do the best we can, at it!

Often, its along the lines of suggesting the hoochies tone it down, or the frumpy Ms. Doubtfires, perhaps "amping it up."

But I also understand the level of acomplishment, goals in dressing, and personal style & taste are huge subjective aspects.

Balancing out a critique, with a positive, like, "Great Hair," or smile, or whatever's appropriate.

I also try to emphasize that its taken me decades to get where I'm at, not a total "catty competition" by any means! But I feel we'll be doing the entire MtF community a favor, by being as good as we can, and endless "I'm great, Your'e great" sorts of approaches are clearly self-limiting...

cheers,
Paula

[kellycan27]

So if a lot of us t-girls get our inflated sense of ourselves (perhaps a function of silver- tongued serial player,admires chatting us up to quickly bed us and move on) Where did you get your over inflated sense of yourself? Was it the decades and decades of time not spent in "catty competitions?
Just curious.:) by the way nice smile... great hair

Cheers,
Kelly

[Jess_cd32]

.......Yes we can massage the ego, we can be honest and we can do it in a productive positive way... without being mean or brutal.

Your total post was well said Kelly including what I quoted and agree with also.

I believe like another friend here, if you don't have anything good to say don't say anything. When looking at pics I look for the best in whomever posted them and compliment what I see as a positive. At least 1/4 to 1/3 of all my posts have been compliments of the 1,400 plus so far.

One thing I personally would never do is ask how do I look.
I look at my pics first and I'll judge them, if I don't like them they don't go up for posting.

If I post a pic and recieve a compliment, its because hard work went into it, it wasn't just a point, shoot, post, it was hours involved so I know any compliments I may recieve are from my efforts and are honest ones. Thats the only kind I'd want anyway.

Once I saw a pic post with someone in a mini with really hairy legs, one said "shave those legs!", I agreed 100% with that reply, what did they expect. All in all be nice, and most here seem to be, find something that strikes you about the pic poster and compliment them on that.
It feels good if you just made someones day with a nice compliment:)

[Rachaelb64]

Seems I do not have a very big ego (which I'm quite happy aout)

The truth please :)

[Karren H]

I know the truth... I make an ugly looking woman!! And if I need reasurance I'd go ask my wife!! So please feel free to massage away!! Lol.

[Stephanie Michelle]

We all see people differently. What one person says might not hold true for another. I am my own worst critic. I know I can never pass mostly due to my size. But I do feel very feminine when dressed up. As for others I will tell the truth, but I will not slam anyone on their looks. I will tell them what I think would help them. But that does not mean that I am right either.

Stephanie Michelle

[Nicki B]

'You look awful' and 'You might look better if you did X' could both, at the same time, be 'truths' - but which would you rather hear?


I prefer the truth. Part of that truth will of course be what I should change.

Isn't the reality the fact that neither of my comments above are really 'truths'? They are just somebody's opinions...

[Leanne2]

I want the truth but if it's good news then I don't believe it. I still can't believe that I can pass in public. Yesterday I took my elderly neighbor lady shopping in a town 20 miles away. I couldn't dress fem because the lady's son would see me. So I was in drab which was jeans, white tennis shoes, and long sleeved pullover top. My hair was proofed a little and I wore no makeup. I decided to carry my purse because I just wanted to. I figured people would just think I was gay.
When I was getting some material cut, a young female worker at the fabric store asked me if I was Bertha's daughter. I wasn't even wearing a bra. Of course I told her yes. I left thinking that she must lead a sheltered life. It was nice to hear her say that but I know the truth. Leanne