Help

[Jill1139]

Hello Ladies, I've come to this forum for a long time looking for answers. Today I finally joined to see if I can find some help. I've read many of the threads of your joys, trials, and troubles y'all have posted but don't remember seeing my paticular question answered.

Here's a little background. I've been a Cross Dresser for as long as I can remember, 50+ years. Like most of you, I borrowed, salvaged, liberated, etc. what I needed to let Jill be Jill. One night while going to college, my SO and I were drinking heavily and all sense of control went away. I showed her Jill's clothes without putting them on. Bad move as we all know. She says she's willing to talk about Jill but on the rare occations that we do it throws her in such a funk that it takes a while to get back to her self. A few times we've gone shopping together and bought a night gown or something, but it ended even before the clothes got out of the bag. The last time we went, we bought a couple dresses, a bra, and panties. This time when we got home I tried them on. I know she bought the bra so small that it would be the most unconfortable thing I had ever had on and that would end her problem. It was so tight I thought I was being cut in half. Before it could go any farther, it all got purged and she said "never in my house", like she could keep it if we weren't there together. I love this lady with all my heart and soul. We've been married 38 years. When Jill come up she says I married a cowboy not a girl.

My question is when Jill decides she wants out, she takes over total control of my thoughts and life until she get out for a while. How do y'all deal with this when it happens to you? Sorry this is so long but thanks for your help.

Jill

[charlie]

Hello Jill!
Welcome to the forum. I hope that you get as much out of coming here as I do! That said, I have about the same situation that you do. My wife is a solid "do not tell, I will not ask". She hates the idea of her "man" (even though this is a part of me) dressing in woman's clothes. As such, I dress usually when I'm away on business trips. However, since she does know that I dress, if I'm ever caught by her at least she does know. I can see her point really. How would I like it if she liked to don a fake beard and walk around in rodeo clothes chewing tobacco? I guess that is how she views my Jones of New York silk dress, wig and heels! My vote....dress when you want, but try not to involve her. Many posts here end with "my wife left me". I do not want to be one of them. It does not sound like you do either.

[tricia_uktv]

Good luck Jill. Do it away from your home and away from your SO! Give yourself some time to convert your mind, and have fun!

[RWillow]

Hello Jill,

Welcome.

I just came out to my wife a couple of weeks ago, her first comment "Oh yeah.", nothing more, nothing less. A few days later it was a different story, she said that the thought of me wearing woman's clothing made her want to throw up. She said she did not ever want to see me dressed like that.

I will not allow her to see me dressed, ever. I wait until she is out of the house, I plan to what extent I will dress depending how long she will be gone. After all that is what I did for the 47 years we have been married, at least now if she sees any of my clothes she won't shocked at finding them. I do keep everything out of sight but I feel better if she happens to stumble upon something.

I will abide by her rules, but I will keep an open line of communication with her so that we can address any of her concerns.

My advice is simple, play by your wife's rules and keep talking, let her know you are the same person she married.

Best of luck,
Renyta

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Hello Jill, If your wife knows how much you need to be Jill from time to time maybe you can do it with her blessing away from home and out of sight out of mind. We did it like that for awhile and now my wife pretty much allows everything sandra may want. She still needs to know that I am still her man though and that is how we deal with it.
Good luck!

[Sigrid Cutie]

Hi Jill,

well in my case when i told my wife about it she took it ok, but she do not want to see Sigrid, so what i do is just do it when i'm alone at home, also i travel alot and that helps, as i dress while driving, or if i hapend to go out of the province, do it in the hotel.

i know is not much of an advice, since probably Jill wants out more time that what you spend alone, but is a start, also show your wife the advantages of having a husband that has an inner female, don't know you but my inner female helps me alot in understanding better woman in general.

well best of luck.

Sigrid...

[Jill1139]

Thanks all, I know we all feel like the female side is as much a part of us as the male side. It's what makes us who we are. It hurts to know that we can't be loved and accepted for every thing about us. Oh well, I can only hope someday something will happen to change her mind. Thanks for being here.
Jill

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

You're a crossdresser. It's not just what you do, but rather who you are.

Your wife does not understand what a crossdresser is, nor does she seem to accept that part of your life:


...she says I married a cowboy not a girl.

You can try as hard as you like, but you're not likely going to be able to just give up who you are, any more than you can take out a hack saw and cut off your own leg.

You can also try to change how your wife feels... which may be possible though some education (about cding) and an open mind on her part. Does she have an open mind? If you said "yes, just not about my cding", then she most certainly does not.

It's fairly clear to me, as I am not emotionally involved in the situation. You are married to and love deeply a woman who does not accept who you are... even though she loves your man-side. She wants you to be what she wants, not who you really are. I don't see any magical solutions to this.

I do hope that the two of you can at least reach an understanding. Perhaps in time, you can crack her mind open a little. If she understood the crossdressing thing a little better (which I believe she does not at all currently), then maybe she might be more open to your cding, even if she does not want to participate in it.

In the meantime, you may just need to go underground with your cding. Good luck. :)

[Angie G]

I don't need to Deal with it my wife supports me as a x-dresser She knows it's who I am and loves me for who i am.:hugs:
Angie

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Jill - welcome to the life as a crossdresser - when my spouse gets mad, she

screams, "I married a man, not a woman" - then at other times she tells me

that I can dress anytime I want to, and sometimes she even suggests that I

ought to dress up, and she will give me advice to improve my appearance

and gives me compliments on how I look - then without warning its back to

I married a man, not a woman - I wish I knew the answers, but I don't


JoAnne Wheeler

[boardpuppy]

As you can see from previous posts, there is no easy solution. What works for one, will not work for another and vice-a-vera. For every supporting SO, there are between 8 to 12 that fall in the "don't ask, don't tell" category. Their are several good stop gap posts (fixes) but whatevery you do, don't put "dressing" in her face. Dress only when the SO is away from home or you are away from home, keep your girl things out of sight (only works if she doesn't go looking for them), and read this forum, looking for answers to her questions (and they will/do come up). Always give honest answers and if you don't know say so but get the answer in a reasonable time. The path you are on is a every joyful and cheery ride but will have a lot of ups, downs and a load of bumps. After saying all this, understand these posts are from the individuals point of view, only you know your SO and her reactions.

Hugs and hope things work for you.
Alice

PS Sorry, I forgot to welcome you to the forum.

[mklinden2010]

>>>My question is when Jill decides she wants out, she takes over total control of my thoughts and life until she get out for a while. How do y'all deal with this when it happens to you? Sorry this is so long but thanks for your help.

Jill,

Total control?

If I were your wife, I think that WOULD be a problem.

My former wife (deceased) put it to me like this one day:

"Snap out of it!"

You ARE not a completely different person. Do more of what you think you want to do and you're going to find out that's it's YOU doing this, not someone else.

Yeah, if I were you wife, I'd HAVE to worry about your being totally delusional...

OK, so, about the "how to handle it" part...

Take a breath.

You've already answered your own question, by the way, but let me explain how that worked....

OK, so...

Now, propose, just "propose" to your wife, and the universe, that you'd like to review the JC Penny catalog and get something that fits. Check and recheck those size charts... This is a project and you can do it all mail order. You can even return everything, if you decide to, and/or you can exchange things. Try this, by the way, to find out what you'd have been doing all your life if you were female - nothing fits the first time! EVER!

Then, propose, just "propose," that you'd like to try this stuff on some, ah, "Sunday afternoon for two hours to see what will happen." Two little-bitty hours. Then... See if Jill or you can exist for two entire hours without thinking about, oh, football, work, the grandkids, and just think about Jill's life - nothing else at all... You can't do it. (A) Because you are human, and, (B) Jill hardly exists in real time. Maybe in your head, and a very important part of your head, but still in your head, just the same.

Now, try this two weekends in a row, or, four. Odds are, the more you do what YOU think you want to do, following exactly the same plan as the first day, the less and less this will derail you. You can make these plans and carry them out, over and over, but, you know what, a weekend will come up when you'll go, "Nah. I can do that later. Today would be a good day to..."

And, that's how you deal with it. Make it so routine that it becomes "normal" and you can keep "Jill" from totally taking over your life. Jill is not desiring something, you're desiring to do something as "Jill." You can manage that - with, granted - a bit of practice. Harmless, "just getting to know you," practice.

That's the good and bad news. The bad news, and it is a distraction from other things you could be doing, is that you want to do this. (At least it's not a first-time motorcycle!) The good news is, like all things, you'll get to the point where you forget how you are dressed and you'll catch yourself doing normal things (the dishes, taxes, watering the plants) without even realizing it.

And, life will go on...

Enjoy the parade.

[Karren H]

Sounds like you need a Vulcan Mind Meld to me... I remember those days.... But now its just one mind.. One thought process.. Co-mingled male and female thoughts.. And its working out pretty good for me.. None of that nasty fighting over the same body any more..