Sister: "you're not going to be pretty" [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

tgirlinva

03-17-2009, 03:49 PM

I talked to my sister this afternoon and we were talking about my "problem", how it's affecting her and my parents. I don't know what she was trying to say, whether she was attempting to convince me not to transition or what not, but she told me bluntly: "sorry to tell you, but you're not going to be a pretty girl....if anything, you'll be at the bottom of the barrel". ouch! I don't know how to take that. I'm not sure I was ready to take that from anyone actually. I know I feel very insecure inside and how I'm so afraid not to pass once I start HRT... but maybe I can't face reality? that my ego got propped up so high by my therapist and bf who told me that I'll pass without any problems? I don't know... I'm sad, I feel like the bubble I've been living in burst.

Rayne1

03-17-2009, 04:56 PM

Siblings tend to look somewhat alike; so I wouldn't worry about that if she thinks you are not going to be pretty then she does not think too much of herself.
I have been told that once you are on HRT your complexion softens to a more feminie look. Of course it cannot redo the male characteristics of enlarged bony areas of the face that are characteristic of the male. Only a facial reconstruction surgery would do that called FFS. Those in early childhood could avoid that, by taking the hormones, but once past puberty the facial bones for the male are formed ( brow, forehead, cheek bones, jaw line, voice box).

I talked to my sister this afternoon and we were talking about my "problem", how it's affecting her and my parents. I don't know what she was trying to say, whether she was attempting to convince me not to transition or what not, but she told me bluntly: "sorry to tell you, but you're not going to be a pretty girl....if anything, you'll be at the bottom of the barrel". ouch! I don't know how to take that. I'm not sure I was ready to take that from anyone actually. I know I feel very insecure inside and how I'm so afraid not to pass once I start HRT... but maybe I can't face reality? that my ego got propped up so high by my therapist and bf who told me that I'll pass without any problems? I don't know... I'm sad, I feel like the bubble I've been living in burst.

donnaking

03-17-2009, 05:07 PM

she told me bluntly: "sorry to tell you, but you're not going to be a pretty girl....if anything, you'll be at the bottom of the barrel".
maybe she's just being honest with you? would you prefer it if she weren't honest?

AKAMichelle

03-17-2009, 05:08 PM

That is a common tactic used by people to convince you not to dress or act like a woman. By telling you that you can't do, they hope to stop you.

Transitioning is more than being pretty. It is being yourself and re-alinging things to match. Personally, I would rather be an ugly woman.

Annaliese

03-17-2009, 05:21 PM

Post a picture. let us put our two cents in.

Super Amanda

03-17-2009, 05:41 PM

My ex wife said that crap to me as well, and it hurt. Especially because I learned most of my "technique" from her. But I have eyes, and I know that at the the very least, I'm NOT repulsive. I like the way I look as a girl, and nobody can change that. And give us a picture!!!

deja true

03-17-2009, 06:01 PM

...and if you just don't wanna post a pic, hun, just send it to some from here you trust and admire, especially transitioning and transitioned girls. Many here list an e-mail or IM address in their profiles...or you can ask for help in a PM (though you can't send pics in a PM , you can send a link to one that you have stored on line somewhere...)

You know that many here want to help you, dear one...

You just have to ask...:)

tamarav

03-17-2009, 06:09 PM

To date, I have had three transitioning sisters make appointment for transformation services with me because their sibling or family members had told them the same thing! Not having met any of them prior to that, I was very suprised to find that all three of them were attractive women in their own right.

It seems that cutting down others tends to bolster weak-minded people's egos, at least that is my impression. Anytime one person criticisizes another and tries to subjugate or cause them to be subservient, it is because they themselves have weaknesses or inadaquacies that they would prefer others don't comment on.

By cutting you down they feel like they are now on top of the heap, when all they have done is expose their weakness. Ignore her remarks, she is without a doubt just a negative person. Or, simply ask her for guidance...

StaceyJane

03-17-2009, 06:11 PM

I'm sorry but if my sister said something like that I would have replied "Did you know that Transsexuals almost always end up looking exactly like their sister?"
Of course I don't even have a sister and I look better than my brother both as a man and as a woman. IMHO. :)

TxKimberly

03-17-2009, 06:14 PM

Wow, what a heartless thing to say. . .

ggayle

03-17-2009, 06:29 PM

I don't know what you look like but from what I can see, If you are happy from within and the confidence, that's all that matters.
I have always found that family and friends who don't fully undersand what others are dealing with sometimes feel such anxiety about the whole thing they would voice there thoughts to the extream.
Let it go and be confident. There are some ugly women around, some of them can be misteaken for men, but are not, needless to say, be your self.
Chin up girl and stick to your guns - you know you can do it, if it's what you want and need.
Gayle:)

rebekahm

03-17-2009, 06:37 PM

I agree with what AKAMichelle said - it is often used as a tactic by those who don't want to see you do this. Plant the seed of doubt - "You're going to make an ugly woman!" Then keep hammering it home. I will assume most of us desire to be, at minimum, a passable woman and at best, somewhat attractive.

I was told by a few friends I confided in years and years ago that I will be an incredibly ugly woman. That really hurt any chance of transitioning years ago becasue I listened to them and played those tapes over and over (Hmm....maybe I should update that to sound files instead of tapes :P).

After battling the "Ugly Woman" thinking for over a decade I decided to move forward. Now my GG friends tell me I am prettier then they are and actually ask me for help with hair and makeup. I am sometimes very mad at myself for listening to those "friends". I look in the mirror now and am very happy with what I see (except for the weight issue).

You never know until you try. The biggest thing I learned is you can't live YOUR life for others wishes. Maybe you will not be the most attractive woman, but there are lots of unattractive women out there. The question is can YOU live with that if that is the end result? Beauty is after all in the proverbial eyes of the beholder.

Hope

03-17-2009, 08:26 PM

Well you know what the truth is - that beauty has WAY more to do with confidence, and the way in which you carry yourself, and most importantly - how you treat others - than it does with physical appearance.

It sounds to me like even if you were the "bottom of the barrel" (Which I agree with others is just today's ploy your sister is using to keep you from causing stress and turbulence in your family) you would still be prettier than your sister. Which may not be saying much.

Don't put too much stock in what your sister tells you - she is feeling threatened, and she is trying her best to maintain the status quo - which you are drastically altering. So she is naturally going to be difficult to deal with for a while. Remember, girls tend to be a little catty with each other from time to time.

Shrug this off, or confront your sister and tell her what a $4i77y thing it was to say - but either way - don't put too much stock in it.

Sharon

03-17-2009, 08:44 PM

What your sister said to you was mean spirited -- that's indisputable no matter what her intentions were when she spoke the words -- perhaps she thought being "honest" was the right thing to do. However, don't forget that your sister has only known you as a male and it is difficult for people who have known us for many years to picture us as female. She may simply be imagining the man she knows so well with a wig on his head and protuberances on his chest, not unlike Robin Williams in that movie he made several years ago (sorry, the name of the movie escapes me).

One thing you may consider doing, to see how she will ultimately accept you, is to ask her help in teaching you to be more attractive.

Sally24

03-17-2009, 08:49 PM

Have they ever seen you dressed? I always have photos ready when coming out to someone because they always envision it like something out of a Monty Python skit.

My wife's best friend had been told but hadn't seen any pics of Sally. When she finally got the chance she was very surprised. They always think the worst without having anything to base it on.

Raquel June

03-17-2009, 08:51 PM

Well, to be honest, the reason I'm pretty slow with the whole transition thing is I think I was a pretty decent looking guy, but I'm a bit on the freakish side as a woman. So I'm just taking my time and doing what I'm comfortable with. Just take things one step at a time. You can transition however you want, but don't think you need to go full-time as a woman before you've had laser, before HRT, before you've grown your hair out, before you've found a supportive environment, or whatever. Don't think that you have to be accepted as a woman by everybody before the journey can begin. Just beginning that journey will put you in a better place.

Besides, there's a lot of ugly passable women out there. What's your sister? Some kinda runway model?

If I were you, though, I'd explain to my sister that transgender people can't be cured and turned "normal" any more than gay people can be cured and turned straight. Tell her that 31% of transgender people successfully commit suicide -- that's 10,000 times the suicide rate of the rest of the population -- and most of these suicides are related to difficulties with transition, and that statistic would certainly be lower if there was more support out there for us -- maybe by our families?

Kimberley

03-17-2009, 08:56 PM

That was a terrible comment to make and probably should have been left unsaid or perhaps approached more tactfully like "We should work to see how we can improve your looks" or something to that effect.

At any rate, your complexion will change with HRT and electro. That in and of itself will be a major improvement. As I recall, you are of Asian descent? You will stand an excellent chance of passing without major surgery, but there is no disputing a job by either Ousterhout or Spiegel. Coming up with the coin might be a problem but I doubt even your sister would find fault with the looks of her already beautiful sister that she doesnt already see.

Ignore it. It is what you feel inside about yourself that counts. As one of our members commented, "It is none of my business what others think of me." There is a lot of wisdom in that. Live by it girl. You will be fine.

Sorry you had to go through that with your sister though. Really poor taste.

:hugs:
Kimberley

Zenith

03-17-2009, 09:02 PM

Raquel June

03-17-2009, 09:20 PM

Asian t-girls are so lucky!

The only 100% passable girl I know personally (locally) is from Laos. She got rid of all her facial hair in 3 laser sessions. She didn't have FFS, didn't have BAS, and had SRS about 14 months ago. Nobody would ever guess she was TS in a million years. She got her driver's license changed to female just by walking into the BMV and saying there had been a mistake. Nobody questioned her. She's currently dating 3 guys who have no idea she's TS -- although I'm not sure those relationships have gone. I mean, she's always talking about sex, but I don't know if she's actually having it.

Anyway, if you're Asian then your sister is definitely lying. Who calls someone "bottom of the barrel," though? Sheesh!

noeleena

03-18-2009, 01:11 AM

hi... yea . the comment is for us is your not a real women .... oh what part . my body ..or my mind ...you are right its very hurtfull .. for me it was ...you are not going to have your ops ..... oh .... says who . it makes little difference wether we look or even ..pass...we are who we are does every one understand this ...no...so who has the probs ... yea we have ours & they have there own ... no one wins so why not just help each other .. in stead of this i am better than you ....what i would say is this i am 61 ... if you feel you are a women in side then you damm well are .... go for it i did . & i am free & happy . i am me a women .... & thats all i need to know ....
...noeleena....

Carole Cross

03-18-2009, 01:18 AM

Maggie Kay

03-18-2009, 11:08 AM

My spouse told me that I would never pass and in fact that I would look like Arnold Swartzenegger in a dress. She said that I would be a laughingstock. She was wrong. Now, she won't say that as I life full time and have completed my transition.
She did everything she could to dissuade me from going out in public. Now I pass everywhere. Passing is so much more than just looks. IMHO, mannerisms, walk, posture, voice and more affect passing more than looks.

John

03-18-2009, 11:50 AM

maybe she's just being honest with you? would you prefer it if she weren't honest?

There's being honist and there's being rude, and 'you'll be at the bottom of the barrel' is just beond rude.

I would say 'pretty' is a relative term; so maybe you won't follow her definition of a ravishing beauty, but that dosn't mean everyone in the street with think your frankinstein's monster.

maybe ... my ego got propped up so high by my therapist and bf who told me that I'll pass without any problems

I'd put my trust in an impartial therapist rather than someone emotionaly involved in what they see as a negative situation. If she might be trying to convince you not to transition, they she's hardly going to give a balanced oppinion, is she?

Besides, everyone told me 'but you're so pretty now!' when they found out I was going to transition, and let me tell you 'pretty' is no consilation for 'but I want to die'. I'd rather be happy than hansome any day.

Kaitlyn Michele

03-18-2009, 11:57 AM

my sister said the same exact thing to me twice...first when i came out that i crossdressed...she laughed at me and said i must be "quite a sight" and when i told her and mom that i was ts, she immediately commented on how "ugly" i was going to be...

this is a common tactic but you need to be fair to your sister too.....she is lashing out at something she doesnt understand...(and may never)....you've known about this alot longer than her...

i told her i didnt care...and that i thought her comment was mean spirited and pointed at a person (me) that was greatly suffering and needed support and i told her i was gonna look as good as possible..
since then i got down to 167 lbs (6' 2 ish), and she is about 180...(5'7 ish)....
hehe

and by the way....my bubble has burst many times!!!! you just have to get up and dust it off and move forward!!! :hugs:

ArleneRaquel

03-18-2009, 12:07 PM

Raquel June

03-18-2009, 02:53 PM

I know that I will not be the prettiest girl in town but I don't really care about that. I just wabt my gender to match my feelings and I will try to look my best.
As you can see froim this picture
84389

Well, I'm all for pessimism. When you have exceedingly low expectations you always end up pleasantly surprised :)

Not many of us are exactly hot stuff, but you look like someone that anyone would like to hang out with, and are probably less likely to scare children than I am. :heehee:

MaryAnn40c

03-18-2009, 03:10 PM

sounds to me like your sister is frighten that you will be prettied than her. Or you have better taste in clothing,makeup ect.:2c:

Barbara Dugan

03-18-2009, 03:37 PM

Yeah...I have a friend who keeps telling me I'm going to be an UGLY woman...meh...:straightface:...it's really tough to be pretty even for a GG...I'm willing to work very hard to get to just an average looking woman...:daydreaming:

Still I don't know why people say this kind of stuff to us, it's not like it doesn't hurt...:sad:

Are you sure she is your friend Zenith? and I agree Asians are the most passable Ts but sure there are some exceptions on all the races. On my case I got about the same body structure of one of my sisters but she she is like 4'10' and I am 5'9'' big diference

GypsyKaren

03-18-2009, 07:27 PM

I guess someone should round up all of the girls and women who aren't deemed pretty and toss them into the volcano, should make for a good sacrifice.

Karen :g2:

Joan Merrie

03-18-2009, 07:57 PM

I guess someone should round up all of the girls and women who aren't deemed pretty and toss them into the volcano, should make for a good sacrifice.

Karen :g2:

Oh No, If that includes us, I'd prob. be the first 1 rounded up.:hugs:

Lisa Golightly

03-19-2009, 01:54 AM

I'm surprised that your therapist allowed you to live in a 'bubble'... Mine never really gives a personal opinion on looks and to be honest I'd kind of not really listen if she did... I'd just think it part of her routine (I can be quite suspicious of intentions in certain scenarios...)

The whole looks thing is a nonsense anyway... It's all that in the eye of the beholder stuff... I'm just grateful everything is where it's supposed to be and looks generic human... If I meet someone I think it's me I want them to like not just a face or body... not that I don't dribble when I see a rugged face or muscular chest... but I need to love that person's very soul for those looks to mean anything anyway....

Looks are transient, but beautiful souls are forver...

People can be cruel in many ways... the easiest way to attack is to say you're ugly... kind of reminds me of 5 year olds... You're ugly and you smell... actually that reminds me of being small and fighting with my brother and sister.... Hmmmmmm... Sounds like it's time she grew up.

Genifer Teal

03-19-2009, 05:46 AM

Transitioning is a huge change to our bodies. It is easy expect beauty to be part of that change. While many of us might hope to transition into a beautiful model, it is not a realistic expectation.

If transitioning is right for you then go ahead with it. I'm sure you will do fine. You appearance will sort it self out. You should still consider the possibility of your sister's words.

Some who transition will have to dig deep to find their inner beauty. They may have trouble bringing it to the surface. If that is your result, would you be satisfied? There are some who would be sorely disappointed to become an average (or less than) woman. Be realistic with your expectations before it is too late.

Sorry this sounds like a downer post. There are those who transition to become the woman they are. There are some who transition with hopes of becoming a model. The latter are more likely to be disappointed. I'm just saying to make sure you are transitioning for the right reasons. As long as you are ok with it, you'll do fine

Gen

Jan W

03-19-2009, 06:19 AM

It is hard not to be harsh concerning your sister and her comment.

I feel it is her way of handling a very difficult thing for her to deal with.

She loves you and does not want to lose you.

I had read enough (believe me) to know that our family members feel like we have died when we transition.

I think it would be nice to give your sister the benefit of the doubt and you may find she comes round when she accepts the fact that you are the same loving person whether her brother or her sister.

Paula Thomas

03-21-2009, 05:21 PM

If you are really worried, go to your local mall, and sit in the food court for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning.

You will swear that you see several GGs who either (i) look like you, or (ii) look "worse" than you (over all).

Don't be discouraged. :battingeyelashes:

Karen564

03-21-2009, 08:34 PM

I think that was just some desperate ploy by her to get you to stop transitioning, but was highly insensitive on her part, she obviously doesn't have a clue on what it's all about, of course we all want to be glamorous models, but it wont stop us from transitioning if we cant be beautiful, so when people, especially people close to you say those things, it does hurt us very deeply, but it'll never change our minds, we are what we are, and she will just have to deal with that fact, and stop hurting your feelings..

Raquel June

03-22-2009, 02:47 AM

I guess someone should round up all of the girls and women who aren't deemed pretty and toss them into the volcano, should make for a good sacrifice.

Karen :g2:

OK, I've declined saying it since it's stupid, and it won't even be funny if you haven't seen the show, but every time I look back at this thread it reminds me of an episode of Simpsons called "The Canine Mutiny" in season 8. Bart's dog gets repossessed, and it's Bart's fault. He feels really guilty, and he says, "What's going to happen to him?" It cuts to fantasy sequence. There's a rich woman on an old steam ship.

woman: Captain, can't we go any faster? I greatly fear we shan't be in Wimbledon by noonfall.

captain: No worries, Madam!

The captain turns to a man next to him.

captain: Lumley! Shovel on more dogs, won't you?

Lumley: Aye aye! More dogs!

A bell rings, and we cut to a view of the boiler room. "More dogs!" is heard through the speaker. The boiler is open and huge flames are inside. A man picks up a large shovel full of cute fogs. The dogs are yelping pitifully.

shoveler: In you go!

The shoveler throws the dogs into the fire, and the flames grow stronger.

Then it cuts back to Bart, and he says, "Ahh, that's not so bad."

Sally2005

03-22-2009, 04:13 AM

I think your sister is just welcoming you to the female pecking order...so what if you have to work your way up from the bottom? GG's have a lifetime headstart, so bring your sister on-side to find out what she thinks is hurting your image and work on improving it. I bet you will both be surprised what you can achieve.

GypsyKaren

03-22-2009, 07:49 AM

I'm not delusional enough to think that I'm pretty or that I pass, that's just the way it is and I accept it. I have never let it stop me or slow me down because living my life my way is what's important, and while I may not look pretty, I feel pretty...who you are is inside your heart, not inside your mirror.

Karen :g2:

Lisa Golightly

03-22-2009, 08:01 AM

SirTrey

03-22-2009, 08:36 AM

I guess that happens to most all of us (on both sides of the trans fence) because I have heard from several people that I was a "much more attractive girl".....problem is, I never WAS a girl....and I feel so much better and more comfortable....and, yes, WAY more attractive....Ignore what people think or say and just be who you are....it's not about what they think, it's about how you feel....social confidence comes from within, when you feel good on the inside, it will show....Good luck....:hugs: **Trey**

Celeste

03-22-2009, 09:18 AM

I'll bet your sister has this image of you in her mind of what you were like growing up and has a hard time seeing you any other way.Thats just the way it is when your so used to someone,maybe time will make a difference on changing that image in her mind.

GypsyKaren

03-22-2009, 09:37 AM

And being 'pretty' in the eyes of others doesn't stop you getting your heart broken... your ego bruised... or your hopes dashed.

Thank you...

I have heard from several people that I was a "much more attractive girl".....problem is, I never WAS a girl....and I feel so much better and more comfortable....and, yes, WAY more attractive....Ignore what people think or say and just be who you are....it's not about what they think, it's about how you feel....social confidence comes from within, when you feel good on the inside, it will show....Good luck....:hugs: **Trey**

More thank you...

Karen :g2:

pickles

03-28-2009, 01:03 AM

She just doesn't want competition.You should show her up.

Beth-Lock

04-04-2009, 07:28 PM

That's called low level psychological warfare. My sister does it to me. It is a way of trying to control, etc., without seeming to be against the whole idea of people transitioning at all, or it seems to be in my case.

Linda Z

04-05-2009, 05:43 PM

akaCathy

04-25-2009, 02:39 PM

I got the same thing yesterday from a friend that I trusted with my news. She's been supportive and I think she was trying to be then, but she blurted out, "You're never going to be pretty. You'll look like Mrs. Doubtfire." She did go on to say that with eyebrows, make up, wig, etc. I'd look "okay", but it stung to hear, "You'll never be pretty." I'm just going to prove her wrong.

Hugs,

Cathy