Now I Know I can never tell my wife

[StephanieT]

A few weeks ago, My wife and I were in the parking lot of a local grocery store. A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit. This CD did not even try to pass which is ok with me. She was very obvious with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick. My wife asked me where we were and said she would expect this in San Francisco but not in a small town. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.

[Karren H]

Awww... I would have never told my wife either... But she found out anyway... ohh welll....

[Super Amanda]

Maybe you can, subtly, use that as a chance to feel her out more. I would try to find out exactly what bothers her so much. She is likely uninformed, as are many. It's a huge burden , keeping this special and large part of us a secret from those we love. Anyway, best of luck to you!

[Ashlyee Paige]

same here :> Was actually trying to break the ice before and was poking to see how she would react before she caught me :> probably would have been better to come clean before i guess. don't know still going thru the drama right now. But I am still here :> not going anywhere anytime soon :> unless my internet gets shut off lol :>

[Christina Horton]

Well do you not think the prob she had with th CDer was the fact she WAS NOT EVEN TRYING TO PASS. If she saw a cd that is trying to look gaad and pass and did not pass, Maybe she would not be so upset. I would never not tell a girl friend I cd. If i was in your high heals, I would tell her. I could not live with the lie.
She might be fine with your dressing BUT, she will hate the fact you did not share this with he years ago. If i were you i wouold tell her, but thats me. If she really love you she will understand, if not aprove. You could lose he rover it, even if you tell her you won't ever do it again. But that could kill your sprit. It's up to you hun, I hate it when this is the death of a relattionship.
Good luck hun. I have been out dressed 11 times now and each time I go out I like myself more and more. HUGGS and LUCK :hugs: :canada:

[AKAMichelle]

They always act different when it is their husband dressed. Unfortunately, that different is not a whole lot better sometimes. Some wives will never accept. Its a shame. They will accept us having some medical condition that turns us into little boys again (mentally), but never CDing. They love us the same, but CDing crosses a boundary that they freak out about.

I think the biggest problem with non acceptance is the fact that we are never able to be us. We have to hide us from our SO. The one person who often is our best friend has locked us into the closet and thrown away the key.

[CD Susan]

Having to keep this kind of secret from a wife is such a hard thing to do. If you want to be out to her I would try to disscuss the subject with her. Just pick the right moment and go very slowly with it. If she really does love you she might try to understand this part of you. Good luck hun.

[leslie ann]

:2c: face it some women will NEVER EVER EVER acept it and it very well could ruin your life so just be carefull ( experience aint cheap)

[mannph]

i have the same problem. When a cross dresser was in the news (sports reporter who was caught), she told me that "those people are really sick."

No coming out for me.

[Sally2005]

You have to use those opportunities to say something like..."that person needs to make an appointment at the salon...even I could do better than that!". This results in your wife saying either..."oh ya, lets see it" or "don't even think it!".

[Erica A.]

I guess there are some things I just don't get. I really can't understand how some, and I'm beginning to think most, CD'ers can live a "closeted" life with their SO. I can certainly see why most wouldn't want to advertise to the general public as most people are uninformed and judgemental, but I just can't see living with the love of your life and having to hide such a huge part of who you are. Perhaps this isn't the right thread for this topic, but this is where it really hit home for me. Would you secretly hide other fetishes, desires or problems from them too? Don't get me wrong, I lived many year's with someone that I couldn't be completely open with, but thank god that's over. Am I just lucky that I completely trust, support and encourage my SO, and she me? I once discovered that a SO had a secret drug problem. When confronted, it wasn't that she did drugs that almost ruined us. That is understandable and fixable. It was that she did something that she felt she couldn't tell me. I was excluded from the activity and the solution. It wasn't the drug's, it was the lie's that were almost irreconcilable. I'm just happy and blessed to share every part of who I am with who I love. Am I ranting? Is this a rant? OMG! O.K., I'm going to take a femtab now and lay down... -Erica

[linnea]

You have to use those opportunities to say something like..."that person needs to make an appointment at the salon...even I could do better than that!". This results in your wife saying either..."oh ya, lets see it" or "don't even think it!".

Though I think that some people will never be accepting of CDs, I agree with taking the opportunity to say something like this.

[Ashlyee Paige]

I got some comments like that from my SO, Thats why I didnt come out to her sooner, well, I would have came out alot sooner to her if she came home early like she did this week before LOL :> :D

[GINA-CD]

I got some comments like that from my SO, Thats why I didnt come out to her sooner, well, I would have came out alot sooner to her if she came home early like she did this week before LOL :> :D

You crazy girl! I just have to smile when you make jokes out of such a complicated issue.

BTW, my wife would never understand, so I'm not coming out of the closet to her. Maybe when this is over ...

[Ashlyee Paige]

:daydreaming: I figure what the hell, what's done is done and life has to go on :> Looking back it was VERY stressful but funny at the same time :)

[Lisa O]

:daydreaming: I figure what the hell, what's done is done and life has to go on :> Looking back it was VERY stressful but funny at the same time :)

Agree, very stressful. But when my long-suffering wife laughs at what I wear, I gotta smile too! Also smile at what she must have thought at the beginning when I asked for pantyhose for Christmas! She delivered too! I have also found that if I take the whole thing lightly, so does she. It is still the "me" in there she loves.

[Sarah_GG]

StephanieT
A few weeks ago, My wife and I were in the parking lot of a local grocery store. A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit. This CD did not even try to pass which is ok with me. She was very obvious with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick. My wife asked me where we were and said she would expect this in San Francisco but not in a small town. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to open a dialogue and discuss her ill-informed prejudices. If my SO made a comment that I thought was narrow-minded I would at least challenge it and talk about it.

If your SO had made a racist comment would you have let it go unchallenged? Would you not have questioned her and tried understand why she held such views?

[Joanne f]

Not necessarily so as it could have just been bad vibes that your wife was picking up from that person , so it might have happened even if that person was dressed differently , so do not give up on your wife ever excepting as you will never know if you never give her the chance

[Hope]

StephanieT

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to open a dialogue and discuss her ill-informed prejudices. If my SO made a comment that I thought was narrow-minded I would at least challenge it and talk about it.

If your SO had made a racist comment would you have let it go unchallenged? Would you not have questioned her and tried understand why she held such views?

Yeah - exactly - this is what educators refer to as a teachable moment. Your wife has said something incredibly bigoted and incredibly ignorant, this is an opportunity to challenge her beliefs in a safe manner... simply by asking her what is so wrong with what that person was doing.

Just because she believes something idiotic, doesn't mean she should continue to believe something idiotic, and it certainly does not mean that you have to support her idiocy - tacitly or otherwise... which is what the OP has done.

[Satrana]

Well it is not a big surprise is it? Many folks are prejudiced against TG, especially those TG who do not try to blend in - there is a clash of gender that unsettles people.

But the bright side is that there are accepting GGs today who a few years ago would have said exactly what your wife said. People can change if they want to.

What you have discovered is where your wife stands on the subject today, ignorant of the facts. It is not necessarily where she will be in 5 years time although this is not an auspicious beginning.

Still it is your choice as the person who knows your wife best to decide whether to sacrifice your feminine self to remaining in the closet or jeopardize your relationship by revealing your secret which you now know will trigger an unsympathetic prejudiced response.

Gauging the depths of her prejudice should really be your aim. The more entrenched her feelings are the less likely she will be able to overcome them. Try and find other opportunities to test her views then you will know if you stand a fighting chance.

[Senban]

StephanieT said - "My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD."

Just for clarification, are we talking specifically about this CD or about CD in general?

StephanieT said -"I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever."

Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage. Start by trying to gradually educate your wife s-l-o-w-l-y. But be prepared for the fact that sooner or later she'll turn round and ask if there's something you're trying to tell her because all the clues will be adding up in her mind. But sooner or later you have to live life for yourself as well as others (dual-life balance).

[tricia_uktv]

Play carefully, as a lot of the girls have said here, they were eventually outed, but its better to out yourself if you can as you are in control of the repurcussions. Reember also that it is likely your feeling will get stronger as time goes on.

[Senban]

Katie B said - "Stephanie, I'm not at all surprised that your wife had a bad reaction to a CD "with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick." I'd agree that that combination would look wierd, and I too would wonder if they needed psychiatric help."

/me counts to ten and thinks happy thoughts

This may just be the most ignorant comment I've read in a very long time. Are you judging crossdressers on whether they just like to express a little femininity as opposed to trying to pass?

[JoannaCaroline]

StephanieT

This sounds like the perfect opportunity to open a dialogue and discuss her ill-informed prejudices. If my SO made a comment that I thought was narrow-minded I would at least challenge it and talk about it.

If your SO had made a racist comment would you have let it go unchallenged? Would you not have questioned her and tried understand why she held such views?

I absolutely agree and that seems to be becoming a trend with you Sarah.

My wife will do this with anyone, anywhere whether it be gay, TG, or race related. The first time it happened was with one of my coworkers, when he made the absurdly stupid comment that being gay was sinful. I just refilled my wine glass with a large pour and sat back to watch the fireworks.

[TSchapes]

I would have asked, "what is it about him that bothers you so much?" Because honestly, when someone makes that kind of comment, I don't know if it's because they feel threatened or insulted by what the other person is wearing.

Or another question would be, "what kind of comment on society do you think this person is trying to say through the use of clothing?"

I find a lot of the attitudes funny, because we were always told that it's what's inside a person that counts. But the second a guy wears one piece of women's clothing, it is assumed the inside is all messed up!

And society won't stay this way forever, it is changing, albeit slowly. I was talking to my 16 year old niece (who knows about Tracy) and said she thought it would be cool to have a boyfriend that cross-dressed. And no, she was not saying that just because I CD. She has no problem telling me what's on her mind!

-Tracy

[JoAnne Wheeler]

GOOD LUCK - I never told my spouse - but she found out - you are in a

really tough spot - if you really love her and if she really loves you, I would

honestly bring it up and talk about it - it would be a lot worse for her to find

out on her own and if you have read many of the articles (posts) on this

Forum, you know that in the long run, it would be best to tell her


JoAnne Wheeler

[SouthernBelle.GG]

I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.

Have to agree with Sarah. This was a perfect opportunity to at least find out
what kind of problem she had with it. Like if it was the person or the CDing in general.

I really hope you don't have to be in that closet forever. :sad:

SouthernBelle

[Kendra Irene]

Stephanie
Sounds like your discribing a lady down the street from me. She is currently undergoing cancer treatment and is losing her hair in a male-pattern baldness. She can't be bothered with make-up and only uses lipstick. If I didn't know her, I might have have come to the same conclusion.

Not all may be what it seems.

Good luck with the wife.
:hugs:

[TJ Tresa]

that is too bad I'm lucky my not only approves but helps me look my best
by the way nice bike looks a great deal like mine

[Kimmie W]

When I first tried to tell my wife about the real me, she had a fit as well, so I stayed in the closet for a long time. A few years ago she found my girlie bag and asked who the things belonged to. She was actually relieved when I told her the truth. We had a series of long talks about my desire to be a girl, and she gradually came to accept it.

Never in a million years did I dream she would. There is hope, we are who we are, and that is why those that truly love us will eventually accept the truth. Good luck.

[(M)ichelle]

Before one of those very special moments, I hinted to my wife that "I would love to BE in your panties whilst I am getting IN your panties..."
We have not looked back since, go shopping together, dress up together, etc, etc...
It is just not worth living a lie, you're not doing yourself any favor, you're not doing your partner any favors...
Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans... Well worth it from then on!
Good luck to you all, it sure works for us!
Love (M)ichelle

[Jess_cd32]

...........Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans..........

First though research into whether it will burn your eyes if its thrown in your face:doh:....just being realistic.

[Lorileah]

I guess there are some things I just don't get. I really can't understand how some, and I'm beginning to think most, CD'ers can live a "closeted" life with their SO. I can certainly see why most wouldn't want to advertise to the general public as most people are uninformed and judgemental, but I just can't see living with the love of your life and having to hide such a huge part of who you are. Perhaps this isn't the right thread for this topic, but this is where it really hit home for me. Would you secretly hide other fetishes, desires or problems from them too? Don't get me wrong, I lived many year's with someone that I couldn't be completely open with, but thank god that's over. Am I just lucky that I completely trust, support and encourage my SO, and she me? I once discovered that a SO had a secret drug problem. When confronted, it wasn't that she did drugs that almost ruined us. That is understandable and fixable. It was that she did something that she felt she couldn't tell me. I was excluded from the activity and the solution. It wasn't the drug's, it was the lie's that were almost irreconcilable. I'm just happy and blessed to share every part of who I am with who I love. Am I ranting? Is this a rant? OMG! O.K., I'm going to take a femtab now and lay down... -Erica


The following is a paid opinion and doesn't reflect the ideas and thoughts of all people here.

When you get into a relationship over time you become comfortable. You learn when to rock the boat and when to let it be. I know that some of the people here are overwhelmed by their desires and they eventually explode and that is never a good thing. But if you like your housr and car and you love your children and you really love your wife, sometimes you have to closet things.

I think this is what the OP was saying. She read the Burma shave signs and has decided that eating and sleeping with her SO is better than eating McD' and sleeping in the garage right now. As many have said this is a good time to do some ground work. She now knows what her SO thinks and she can lay a foundation to help sway that opinion. Maybe she will maybe she won't. But as long as everyone is comfortable (note I didn't say happy) then it works for them.

[leslie ann]

:swear: im also counting but to a 1000!!i totally agree with senban #24 about what katie #22 said (holding my breath and tounge) :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3: ive got long hair, balding on top ,and wear just lipstick allmost everyday! with a goatee so you think i need psychiatric help?:Angry3::drink: i also have an accepting s/o ive also had a s/o who could never accept it in fact it HURT them very badly that it was part of there life! NOT WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR! I do agree that it was a good opportunity to feel the water but be very carefull with all that said I strongly recommend being up front from the start! BEFORE marriage to say the least:drink: we all make our own beds !!

[DonnaT]

Remind your wife about the CD y'all saw, and ask her if she thinks she could do a better job of making you look feminine.

Tell her you were just curious, and thought she might find it fun to try.

[Nicole Erin]

:2c: face it some women will NEVER EVER EVER acept it and it very well could ruin your life so just be carefull ( experience aint cheap)

Some people won't accept yeah?
I figure like this - people are diverse and the "normal" folks better get used to it cause we are not going away.

[kristinacd55]

Awww... I would have never told my wife either... But she found out anyway... ohh welll....
Yeah, same here after 32 years........
Better to open up the dialogue me thinks

[mklinden2010]

>>>I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.


Guess again.

As many have pointed out, she will probably find out anyway.

For example, did you miss the recent postings about, "Who would find your stuff if you died?"

Another example, did you not read the numerous posts about, "Busted and in trouble!" that appear here almost daily?

And, even if you get rid of the stuff, have you not followed the discussions about not being your real self with your most intimate partner?

She's going to feel like this is a "Double or Triple Whammy" when she finds out, whenever that is... And, you'd be kinder to bring it up now with this latest event as a reference.

"What was it about that CD that bothered you so much? You're usually not that hard on people."

Take it from there.

Speaking of taking it, I'm very careful not to. If someone makes a crude joke about an unattractive/old/crippled/overweight/black friend, I do not laugh. I say, "Wow, that's harsh. Seems like a nice person to me," or, "Well, you never know what people might be dealing with - life is complicated, you know."

Same goes for gay/ts/tg/cd people and issues: "So, what's that to you? Did someone not ask you to the prom because they were gay/ts/tg/cd? If so, was that a good thing or a bad thing that they didn't ask?"

Most people don't really want to fight. But, everyone says dumb things sometimes. Almost no one is prepared to argue and win their position explaining their prejudices. Know YOUR thoughts, feelings, and facts and be prepared to hang in there for the ten to sixty seconds of huffing and puffing that may come...

You don't always have to say much; just calling attention to the point puts them on the spot AND puts them on notice that you, and probably other people, hear what they say and draw more conclusions about them than the people they complain about.

Having said all that, get your life in order and open a line of communication about these issues and keep it open. You may need a "fall back" position someday, at the very least.

By the way, for people who keep saying, "Well, I decided I liked my house, car, kids, boat enough to shut up about it."

Funny thing is, it's that wanting the house, car, boat, kids, etc. so much that gives the SOs pause when they start dealing with these nearly inevitable "surprises."

If they didn't need you for something, and, maybe like you too, you'd be gone in an instant. That you're not, means you both have some talking to do to work out a new plan.

So, talk already.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

I feel that you let a great opportunity pass you by, this was a opportunity to ask your wife what was it that she did not like, was it because the CD did not try to pass, did she feel that it was mockery to women or was it that he must be gay because he likes to wear women clothing or is it just sick to see a man out in women clothing.

What ever it is you can not keep this from your wife as long as you to are together she will find out...........it is time to talk to her about what it is she dose not like about Cd's....when your wife finds out about you......it is not going to be good , and we all have try to keep it from our SO and we all sooner or latter got caught.

LA CINDY LOVE

[beenherelongtime]

i was lucky, never had a problem with my so accepting.

[SusanMarie]

If you can't be honest with yourself and honest with your SO...then what's the point of having a relationship!!!

[bruno]

Try to tell her and you might be surprised with her reaction.I am a GG and I can tell you she would probably prefer to know!if she really loves you she will be able to see beyond dresses and make up and value you as a person!good luck

[Carly D.]

You should have said I bet I could look more like a woman than him and then proved it.. of course that's easy for me to say.. I'm in the closet behind the bowling ball and the old softball mitt you haven't worn in ten years...

[Bernadina]

snip.. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.

I have agree with some of the previous comments. You really don't know what you wife really said. I'd see if I could bring the incident up again and ask a few questions.

[Jenniferpl]

A lot of negative comments toward the spouses. THis is a blast with a supporting spuse. I have learned not to sell her short. You never know until you try. She may just surprise you. Mine sure has.

[Hope]

I am a GG and I can tell you she would probably prefer to know! if she really loves you she will be able to see beyond dresses and make up and value you as a person!good luck

Yes...

The problem is the IF.

"if she really loves you she will be able to see beyond dresses and make up and value you as a person!"

Read this forum for a while... you will read a lot of really horrible stories about things that SO's have said / done to CD husbands. Did those wives not really love their husbands? Maybe not, I would say probably not - but it isn't my place to say, or to know. The fact is that many of them, love and value aside, hate CDing... and want nothing to do with it, particularly with their husband.

Is it sad? Of course. Is it horrible? Of course. Is it something that many CD's are forced to endure every day? Of course.

[Ralph]

I'd agree that that combination would look wierd, and I too would wonder if they needed psychiatric help.

I certainly don't know you well enough to know if you're kidding, but... wow. I never would have expected to see anyone, much less a CD saying something like that around here. I mean, heck, I'm pretty judgemental and I'd never go that far.

So now "looking weird" is a need for psychiatric help? We'd better round up all these kids with unnatural hair colors, multiple body piercings, goth makeup, and pants halfway down their butts and send 'em to the shrink. Meanwhile the rest of us who don't give a flying frock what people think about the way we look will just wear whatever we want to wear.

old weird-looking ralph

[Jennifer_Cross]

"It is just not worth living a lie, you're not doing yourself any favor, you're not doing your partner any favors...
Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans... Well worth it from then on!
Good luck to you all, it sure works for us!
Love (M)ichelle "

Well... I agree....

I also agree with the earlier post saying that it is the NOT telling and keeping secrets causes most harm. None of us would like to discover something that our SO's have kept from us.... It plainly deceit and that kills any TRUST!

Set the mood and suggest it to her... You may be very supprised

Jen

[sometimes_miss]

Erika wrote:

I guess there are some things I just don't get. I really can't understand how some, and I'm beginning to think most, CD'ers can live a "closeted" life with their SO.
Out of necessity. Many of us have learned the hard way that it's either the part time closet, or out and be alone. In retrospect, I would never have told my ex. Ever. And at this rate, I'll never tell anyone again.

Senban wrote:

Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage.
Get a different wife. Hahahahahahaha! If it were only that easy. Many marriages survive, even flourish despite the partners not knowing everything about each other. Indeed, very often they'd rather ignore the many things that they'd prefer not to know about. Think of all the lives that capitalist successes wind up crushing. Do you think wives of all the robber barons and their associates really want to know all the dirty deals that their husbands were involved in? NO. They want the comfortable, nice life, where they believe the guy is wonderful, successful, and treats everyone perfectly fairly. Many successful men marry younger women, who they suspect is fooling around while they go about making their fortunes each day at work. But they trade that for having that hot woman around when they want them, and ignore what goes on when they're not around. Pretty commonplace. There are all kinds of marriages, and most aren't based solely on love.

Kimmie wrote:

When I first tried to tell my wife about the real me, she had a fit as well, so I stayed in the closet for a long time. A few years ago she found my girlie bag and asked who the things belonged to. She was actually relieved when I told her the truth.
This unfortunately, is not the most common reaction, although we can all dream.

Michelle wrote:

It is just not worth living a lie, you're not doing yourself any favor, you're not doing your partner any favors...
Get some champagne in the bedroom, loosen up a little, enhance the mood, candle light etc. or what ever your partner likes, and then spill the beans... Well worth it from then on!
Good luck to you all, it sure works for us!
It doesn't work out that way for all; many of us wind up drinking that champagne alone for a very long time after 'spilling the beans'. And whether it's worth living life in a loving relationship while not being able to tell absolutely everything to our SO is really dependent on how much we are willing to give up for either.

Bruno wrote:

Try to tell her and you might be surprised with her reaction.I am a GG and I can tell you she would probably prefer to know!
Oh, I'm sure she'd prefer to know. I found out the hard way that my wife sure would have preferred to know before she married me, so that she never would have. Women want complete honesty from men, but many reserve the right to keep some secrets to themselves.

Jennifer wrote:

I also agree with the earlier post saying that it is the NOT telling and keeping secrets causes most harm.
It really depends on what those secrets are, now, doesn't it. See, there's a world of difference between being a closeted stamp collector and being a closeted seriel killer. Or, perhaps a woman who was thrilled for the past 30 years over the two carat diamond engagement ring you gave her, well, would she really benefit from knowing that you got it at a discount because the previous owner was murdered by her ex boyfriend the day she received it? Probably not. Some secrets are good, and people are quite happy never knowing about them as long as it doesn't affect the rest of their lives (much the same as tens of billions of women throughout history have been thrilled with their diamonds because they didn't have to face knowing how many people got killed in the process of mining and selling them). I tend to believe that part time crossdressing is most often one of those secrets; as long as it doesn't affect her life, she will be perfectly happy never knowing about it. When you're 90 years old and she finds your stash after you're dead, remember, she had perhaps 70 great happy years before that. As above, most people don't tell each other every single thing about their lives and each other, sometimes because we think it won't matter, and at other times because we think that it definately will.

Stephanie, this part "A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit." pretty much says all you need to know. There are a whole lot of people who really, really don't like gender bending of any sort, it seems to upset their view of how the world should be.

Before deciding to out yourself to anyone, you have to really consider all the possible reactions, and the results of your actions. If you can comfortably live with the worst possible outcome, then go for it. Sure, it's wonderful to hear all the nice words of support from those who managed to successfully wind up with wives who accepted them as their fem selves, but that isn't the most common outcome, and it seems that your wife isn't the type who really wants her husband in a dress.

[leslie ann]

:^5: very well said miss i totally agree with ya, on everything you said!:thumbsup:

[TSchapes]

It really depends on what those secrets are, now, doesn't it. See, there's a world of difference between being a closeted stamp collector and being a closeted seriel killer. Or, perhaps a woman who was thrilled for the past 30 years over the two carat diamond engagement ring you gave her, well, would she really benefit from knowing that you got it at a discount because the previous owner was murdered by her ex boyfriend the day she received it? Probably not. Some secrets are good, and people are quite happy never knowing about them as long as it doesn't affect the rest of their lives (much the same as tens of billions of women throughout history have been thrilled with their diamonds because they didn't have to face knowing how many people got killed in the process of mining and selling them). I tend to believe that part time crossdressing is most often one of those secrets; as long as it doesn't affect her life, she will be perfectly happy never knowing about it. When you're 90 years old and she finds your stash after you're dead, remember, she had perhaps 70 great happy years before that. As above, most people don't tell each other every single thing about their lives and each other, sometimes because we think it won't matter, and at other times because we think that it definately will.


Sometimes a small lie can have a huge effect, while a seemingly large lie has no effect at all. I think it's hard to know which is which. Also, how do you gauge what you do affects your SO? The time and money spent on crossdressing has a direct impact on your SO's lifestyle. It can bankrupt a family if not kept in check. The chances of being caught are pretty good too.

I just think the stress that a CD puts themselves under by keeping these secrets cannot be good for themselves or their loved ones.

Love, Tracy

[StephanieT]

Thank you all for your opinions. I probably did not give enough information in my initial post.

1. This was definately a CD. Short black skirt, Silk Blouse, 4 inch heels and carrying a purse like a guy would carry a sack.

2. Not only did she have a fit, she said this is just wrong. I have a real problem with this. I just replied that the CD was an interesting person.

If she finds out, I will deal with it. I usually get several days a week where we are apart. That is the time I dress and the only time I dress. The rest of the time I am in the closet. I actually have not dressed on over a month. I am consentrating on other parts of my life right now. When the time is right, I will dress again. As for telling my wife, NO WAY.

[Karen564]

BTW, my wife would never understand, so I'm not coming out of the closet to her. Maybe when this is over ...


Maybe when this is over
Hi Gina, when what's over??

[tammigurl]

Stephanie honey - the truth will win eventually. I have a number of CD friends who have not told their s/os. Most of them are living a double life under extraordinary stress. Find the right partner to share your whole life with.

luv Tammi
:love::love:

[StephanieT]

My wife and I enjoy a good life. There is just a part of me missing in our sharing. I am not willing to give up the good part of my relationship to expsose something she knows nothing about.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Maybe you can, subtly, use that as a chance to feel her out more. I would try to find out exactly what bothers her so much. She is likely uninformed, as are many. It's a huge burden , keeping this special and large part of us a secret from those we love. Anyway, best of luck to you!


I agree, You should have asked her (with a smile of course) what upset her about it. If she starts shouting some nonsense about gays, etc. (which is often the case) you should give her a bit of frendly ribbing or ridicule saying something on the order of, "I would have thought that at your age you would have known what a homosexual was by now" "A crossdresser is not the same thing, besides most CDs are hetro".

Tell her"A gay is a guy who is sexually attracted to other men. Whats that have to do with clothing?" and then laugh. I think you should make a point of embarrasing her about her lack of sexuallity knowledge--In a friendly way of course. It likely would encourage her to do some research on the subject matter so she wont be embarrased even more later on if she makes a mistatement in front of other people other than her friendly, understanding husband.

If and when your secret comes out later, she might have a different attitude about things by then.

[zeroled]

...When a cross dresser was in the news (sports reporter who was caught), QUOTE]

It wasn't Marv, was it? :devil:

I'll share my bit. My (soon to be) exWife is Japanese. She was raised as a 1940s wife that gets yelled at/nagged by her mother when she doesn't do the dishes..the kind that cries when they didn't cook a tasty meal. I mean, there were meals waiting for me when I came home, and she worried herself (a homemaker) about what I had to do at work the next day. Being raised by 2 women (yes, lovers), I had a hard time adjusting her.
None the less, she DID NOT take well to "discovering" my accidental leavings.
She found the underwear. She found the (not-just-a-CD) toys. She gave me multiple chances to cease and desist(sp?). I tried too, as she is the mother of my child. No dice.
I put them on a plane back to Japan, and here I sit. I'm confident she knows that I'm into this, but we don't let my daughter know. She's only 6. I'd like to preserve her innocence/ignorance for as long as we can.
Kudos to those that move on in their clandestine existence. I'll warn you now, though:
A good wife will do one of 2 things at some point in time:
1) confront and accept
2) confront and reject
Either way, she'll find out.
Best of luck, people!

[QUOTE=Marina Twelve;1658038]I agree, You should have asked her (with a smile of course) what upset her about it. If she starts shouting some nonsense about gays, etc. (which is often the case) you should give her a bit of frendly ribbing or ridicule saying something on the order of, "I would have thought that at your age you would have known what a homosexual was by now" "A crossdresser is not the same thing, besides most CDs are hetro".

Tell her"A gay is a guy who is sexually attracted to other men. Whats that have to do with clothing?" and then laugh. I think you should make a point of embarrasing her about her lack of sexuallity knowledge--In a friendly way of course. It likely would encourage her to do some research on the subject matter so she wont be embarrased even more later on if she makes a mistatement in front of other people other than her friendly, understanding husband.

If and when your secret comes out later, she might have a different attitude about things by then.

Nice tactic, Marina. I, however, have a different opinion of 'gay'.
I think homosexuality is two people of the "same gender" that LOVE each other. Its not just sex.
But you're right on par with the "lack of sexual knowledge vs. sexual pleasure (CD)". Awesome insight!

[sometimes_miss]

Schapes wrote:

1656535]I just think the stress that a CD puts themselves under by keeping these secrets cannot be good for themselves or their loved ones. Love, Tracy

I agree. But we have to weigh it out over the stress of our winding up perpetually all alone (which really is quite stressful, the lack of affection over time can result in physical as well as psychological illness), and for those who are married, the tremendous effect it will have on the lives of their wife and family should they 'come out'. But we don't live in a perfect world, so there rarely is a perfect solution ( complete acceptance by our wife, family, co workers, and society) for us.

[Bernadina]

Thank you all for your opinions. I probably did not give enough information in my initial post.

1. This was definately a CD. Short black skirt, Silk Blouse, 4 inch heels and carrying a purse like a guy would carry a sack.

2. Not only did she have a fit, she said this is just wrong. I have a real problem with this. I just replied that the CD was an interesting person.

snip..



You are sure she wasn't just pissed of by the way she miscarried her purse?

[MartineXdrs2]

A good wife will do one of 2 things at some point in time:
1) confront and accept
2) confront and reject
Either way, she'll find out.

You left out confront, reject, ignore don't talk to me about it...

[RobynP]

2. Not only did she have a fit, she said this is just wrong. I have a real problem with this. I just replied that the CD was an interesting person.
Why do you have a problem with her reaction? Was she just supposed to ignore the person? If her reaction was completely opposite... if she were somehow attracted to this person... would you have said anything different???


If she finds out, I will deal with it.
How about if she finds out, BOTH of you will deal with it... Together!

As for telling my wife, NO WAY.
Do you know absolutely everything about your wife? What if there was something about your wife that you found out about, maybe even something she tells you, that changes your perception of who your wife really is? What if your wife was so afraid of telling you because she thought it would be a real marriage-killer for you, that you would walk out and leave her as soon as you could? Could you ever forgive your wife for not trusting you with her most intimate information?

Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves! There are other people who carry secrets deep in their soul hoping that they are buried forever and no one will ever know...

If you do not want your wife to be 100% emotionally intimate with you, if you do not want your wife to share her heart and soul completely and without reservation, then you should definitely never, ever tell your wife about your crossdressing...

Robyn P.

[Satrana]

Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves!
Yes 99% of people carry important secrets they decide are better never revealed. Secrets and lies are an essential part of maintaining relationships. Sounds crazy but it is true. Did you know people tell on average 30-40 lies every day. Anyone who says they never lie is well.....a liar.

Conclusion - our morality code says we should be totally honest but everyone believes they are personally exempt. And thank goodness they do, living in a world ot total honesty would be a nightmare.

[Kelli Michelle]

Why do you have a problem with her reaction? Was she just supposed to ignore the person? If her reaction was completely opposite... if she were somehow attracted to this person... would you have said anything different???

Any crossdresser would have a problem or 99% of them, anyway. It wasn't that she reacted, it' was HOW she reacted. I don't believe it was attraction that that would be the opposite of what the SO was spouting. Stephanie was looking for acceptance , or at least tolerance.


How about if she finds out, BOTH of you will deal with it... Together!

IF Stephanie decides to tell, than yes, that would be the ideal way to go.


Do you know absolutely everything about your wife? What if there was something about your wife that you found out about, maybe even something she tells you, that changes your perception of who your wife really is? What if your wife was so afraid of telling you because she thought it would be a real marriage-killer for you, that you would walk out and leave her as soon as you could? Could you ever forgive your wife for not trusting you with her most intimate information?

First question would be no, no one knows absolutely everything. Quest. 2, that would have to be on a case by case basis. Support for doing something immoral or evil would probably not be forthcoming, for example. Questions 3 & 4, yes I believe that many cders would forgive ( we know how it is, remember?) if there was a very good reason not to share it (fear, societal pressure, hate, loss of family, friends, jobs).


Do not think for a second that we as crossdressers are the only ones walking around with a secret about ourselves! There are other people who carry secrets deep in their soul hoping that they are buried forever and no one will ever know...

Again, we as cders know all that too well.


If you do not want your wife to be 100% emotionally intimate with you, if you do not want your wife to share her heart and soul completely and without reservation, then you should definitely never, ever tell your wife about your crossdressing...

Robyn P.

Sorry, but I think that is just being mean-spirited. I also think that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other, especially couples that have a known transgender issue. My opinion is that cders would love to share all that with the wife or SO. But because of the reasons already laid out earlier, many feel they can't. They know they are missing out on that sharing, and it hurts.

[Amanduhrob]

Is it possible she already knows, and used the CD passing by as an excuse to let her true feelings about your dressing known?

All I can tell you from past experience, is you can purge, and purge, and purge, call it quits time after time, but the need always comes back, and so does the depression, stress and anxiety if you're not able to dress.

[Senban]

I said - "Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage."

Sometimes_Miss replied - "Get a different wife. Hahahahahahaha! If it were only that easy. Many marriages survive, even flourish despite the partners not knowing everything about each other. Indeed, very often they'd rather ignore the many things that they'd prefer not to know about. Think of all the lives that capitalist successes wind up crushing. Do you think wives of all the robber barons and their associates really want to know all the dirty deals that their husbands were involved in? NO. They want the comfortable, nice life, where they believe the guy is wonderful, successful, and treats everyone perfectly fairly. Many successful men marry younger women, who they suspect is fooling around while they go about making their fortunes each day at work. But they trade that for having that hot woman around when they want them, and ignore what goes on when they're not around. Pretty commonplace. There are all kinds of marriages, and most aren't based solely on love. "

FAIL

What you're talking about is a marriage of convenience or even a business relationship. A marriage or indeed any relationship between two people must have a foundation of trust and support. If you can't be yourself 100% with that person, the relationship may still have some kind of value in your life but it's a marriage in name only. Hence my comment about finding another wife. My point being of course that you should find a relationship that allows you to be yourself rather than settling for one that doesn't. Of course the flip side of that is that you have to trust and support your partner in return. If any of this is missing, move on and keep searching. Life's too short to drink bad wine :)

[KarenS]

i have the same problem. When a cross dresser was in the news (sports reporter who was caught), she told me that "those people are really sick."

No coming out for me.

My wife used to make comments if she 'clocked' someone in a poor presentation. She doen't seem to say much anymore.

But if they are, then well, I guess I'm sick too. But I'm addicted to the medicine.

My wife and I don't talk about it much. She has seen me dressed in lingerie but never with a more complete presentation.

I think it is simply a 'don't bother me with that and you can do what you want' kind of thing. I do think that if she were comepletly honest, she would like to know more. Slowly, I'm revealing more and being suggestive of her learning more.


Well it is not a big surprise is it? Many folks are prejudiced against TG, especially those TG who do not try to blend in - there is a clash of gender that unsettles people.



I suspect with some, they might be more tolerant if there were more of an effort to present themselves appropriately in the gender of their choice rather than poorly in between. I have heard GGs complain about men who try to present themselves in more of a skank or '****' kind of way and how disrespectful it is to the gender. I think a half hearted attempt at a presentation could be perceived just as disrespectful.

When we are in public, our presentation as one gender or the other is no longer simply a personal preference. In public, it also becomes a persona to be compared to societal norms - the status quo - by the general population. We all make comparisons (and even judgements) routinely and in-so-doing determine our comfort level with a given situation based on our past experiences. If we try to 'pass', we would likely be more accepted than only making an obvious half way attempt.

As for a SO observing a situation; the more knowledge they can gain and positive experiences they have, the more accepting they will likely become. Even a closed minded individual will eventually soften and accept.

[BekiJ]

My wife and I enjoy a good life. There is just a part of me missing in our sharing. I am not willing to give up the good part of my relationship to expsose something she knows nothing about.

I agree with ya Steph. I perceive my wife to have a similar attitude. I am not willing to risk 35 years over something that has built up slowly over those years. I don't pretend to know what is best, but I do know what is working.

Those not in this situation (now or in the past) do not have any idea what it really is like. The truth is great, but there will be consequences, and most likely in my case, not for the better.

And as I have said before, this is my secret/burden (yes, it is a burden), and my wife does not need that added burden (keeping the secret).

Yes, the truth will set you free, possibly by divorce.

Hugs
BekiJ

[Sherry-Stephanie]

LOL..I was thinking that it's been about a year since I started dressing...and I did it just the opposite..went to the wife first with the "idea" and then started dressing...it was with the "I want to do it as realistic as I can and see where it takes me..." LOL If we only knew then what we know now???? Wonder if we'd gone for thye idea....the idea has gone from just that./...being an "idea" to a 24/7 way of life to a limited degree....painted toenails and total body shaving every few days and constant checking this and that the preening I guess and always looking at things both from the male side and the female side...But over all it's been good with no regrets on my part...her???? Sometimes she says she's not interested in having a woman rather than a husband...but that's jsut when she's in one of her moods....

[RobynP]

Sorry, but I think that is just being mean-spirited. I also think that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other, especially couples that have a known transgender issue. My opinion is that cders would love to share all that with the wife or SO. But because of the reasons already laid out earlier, many feel they can't. They know they are missing out on that sharing, and it hurts.

Mean-spirited? How come we make a promise or make a commitment to enter into an intimate relationship where we expect (and often demand) 100% physical intimacy but we hold back on the emotional intimacy? When we say "I do!" are we really saying "I do except for my crossdressing which I am not going to share with you.."?

The fact that very few couples are 100% emotionally intimate with each other contributes to a 50%+ divorce rate in the US.

Of course, not sharing hurts. I understand completely! I hid my crossdressing from my wife (now ex) for many years. Even when I finally came out to her I still hid most of my crossdressing, not at her request, but because I was so used to hiding, I really didn't know how to do anything else. I did not know how to integrate my crossdressing into our relationship. The door to emotional intimacy was opened just a crack... But I never ripped the door off its hinges... (Actually, every time it swung open it would bonk me in my face...)

I know that many of us are very afraid of telling our wives because of a potential divorce, being outed, losing one's job, or a variety of other evil and nasty things. And, yes, those things have happened to crossdressers... But, in my opinion, many wives can accept their husband's crossdressing in some manner. However, most wives cannot handle the huge lack of trust by their husbands. Lack of trust often is the deal breaker...

Robyn P.

[Melinda G]

A few weeks ago, My wife and I were in the parking lot of a local grocery store. A CD walked past our car and my wife about had a fit. This CD did not even try to pass which is ok with me. She was very obvious with no wig, long hair and balding head with no make-up except lipstick. My wife asked me where we were and said she would expect this in San Francisco but not in a small town. My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD. I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever.
Consider yourself lucky. Most CDs don't get that kind of early warning, as to what their wives reaction will be. Pursue the subject at your peril!

[Di]

Is it possible she already knows, and used the CD passing by as an excuse to let her true feelings about your dressing known?
.

Thats what I thought.....when I read your thread......why else would someone react that way..........I think she might have an inkling and this is her way of trying to keep you in check.

[kellyanne]

I dated the most liberal woman in the world in my 20s & 30s - a proud supporter of transgender and gay acceptance 100 % ... except of course if it was her boyfriend.

I have met women who tolerate transvestism as a means to an end but none who accept it.

I have chosen to remain single to avoid such issues.

[Hope]

I know that many of us are very afraid of telling our wives because of a potential divorce, being outed, losing one's job, or a variety of other evil and nasty things. And, yes, those things have happened to crossdressers... But, in my opinion, many wives can accept their husband's crossdressing in some manner. However, most wives cannot handle the huge lack of trust by their husbands. Lack of trust often is the deal breaker...

I tend to think that there is very rarely any single, deal breaker.... certainly not something that can be pointed to as the deal breaker when a marriage fails.

I also think it is a bit unfair to place all of the blame on either party. Certainly a husband would do well to share his emotional life, including his CDing with his wife - but if a wife has created an environment in which a husband does not feel safe sharing the details of his life with her (as many wives do - ask around) a husband cannot be faulted for not exposing his most vulnerable areas for ridicule or worse.

It ALWAYS takes 2, to tango, to have a strong marriage, or to divorce.

[Satrana]

I dated the most liberal woman in the world in my 20s & 30s - a proud supporter of transgender and gay acceptance 100 % ... except of course if it was her boyfriend.

I have met women who tolerate transvestism as a means to an end but none who accept it.


It is called the good girl effect. Women are raised with the notion that females should always go out of their way to support and understand others, especially those who really need or deserve help. The more deprived or disadvantaged the persons, the more brownie points are gained in supporting them. This translates into higher social status amongst women.

However in private matters women are still subject to believing in and desiring the idealized, sexist package of the masculine man as the optimal partner, while effeminate males are considered substandard and undesirable.

Normally this discrepancy does not reveal itself as most men try to follow the guidelines of masculinity to make themselves attractive to women. CDs are the exception and by breaking the rules we reveal the motivation behind the good girl effect.

[Sheila]

However in private matters women are still subject to believing in and desiring the idealized, sexist package of the masculine man as the optimal partner, while effeminate males are considered substandard and undesirable.

How sexist is that statement :Angry3::Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:

[Deborah Jane]

However in private matters women are still subject to believing in and desiring the idealized, sexist package of the masculine man as the optimal partner, while effeminate males are considered substandard and undesirable.


Bit of an expert are you Satrana?

You do talk crap sometimes :brolleyes:

[CD Susan]

StephanieT said - "My wife then said she had a real problem with this CD."

Just for clarification, are we talking specifically about this CD or about CD in general?

StephanieT said -"I guess I will be in the closet with my wife forever."

Get a different wife. I'm serious. A marriage where you have to live a lie rather than be accepted for who you are isn't a marriage. Start by trying to gradually educate your wife s-l-o-w-l-y. But be prepared for the fact that sooner or later she'll turn round and ask if there's something you're trying to tell her because all the clues will be adding up in her mind. But sooner or later you have to live life for yourself as well as others (dual-life balance).

I didn't get a different wife but I certainly did get a divorce from the one who refused to accept this part of me. I existed in a "I know what you do and do not like it and never want to see it" relationship for 23 years. I was called sick, pervert, and gay by the very person that I thought loved me but I was wrong. This marriage was one of mutual convienence and there was no love between us. The divorce that I filed for was long and bitter and resulted in her outing me to all of my relatives and everyone else that I knew. I never could understand her refusal to accept this part of me but after 23 years of me trying to make her understand I gave up trying. We are both much happier now living our seperate lives.

[JaylaaGurl]

Before I got married CDing was just a small part of my life so it never entered my mind that I might want to share this with my SO.

As time goes on I want more and more to be femm. ..

Now that we have built a great life together and have children I don't want to do anything to jeopardize the life I have made for wife kids or my wife I love them all so much and would do anything for them. Half of the time I feel like I should stop this because I know what it most likely break that life and I couldn't bear that. however something keeps bringing me back..

/sigh.. Sorry for the jabbering, not sure I made a point..

[Satrana]

Can you quote research evidence for this, or is it just an opinion? I've seen assertions to the contrary.

Well it is not rocket science to see how the majority of men in public arena who are considered handsome and desirable are masculine and yes this has been backed up by studies. For example:
http://news.softpedia.com/news/Women-Prefer-Masculine-Males-for-Affairs-and-Effeminate-Ones-as-Husbands-43425.shtml

Women are generally sexually attracted to all the standard masculine clues that our society promotes even though they assume such men are less likely to be a faithful and reliable partner. So they end up compromising their idealized sexual attraction to team up with an effeminate man who they hope will be more reliable and a better parent.

I doubt if there is much correlation between how good your partner is based upon their masculinity/femininity but that is the perception that is out there.


You do talk crap sometimes
Thank you for your invaluable contribution

[Sheila]

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Women-Prefer-Masculine-Males-for-Affairs-and-Effeminate-Ones-as-Husbands-43425.shtml

Well that article is over 2 years old .................... don't say when the research was done but even if it had been fairly recent to the article ..... after all the Data had been collected, then checked then analized it is fairly safe to assume the stats are about 3 years old minimum and then
The researchers presented to 854 male and female subjects male head pictures that were digitally altered to exaggerate or decrease masculine traits the fact that the pics were shown to both sexes and conclusions drawn on that proves nothing, the numbers are minute and the genders making the choices mixed, make the assumption that WOMEN prefer one or the other totaly inaccurate

[Satrana]

Well that article is over 2 years old And? What changes have happened in society in the last couple of years that would invalidate their findings?


the numbers are minute No they are in a standard range which is recognized as being large enough to produce results +/- 3%. In fact, in statistics any sample size above 40 is regarded as being sufficient to detect statistical correlations.


make the assumption that WOMEN prefer one or the other totaly inaccurate Without the data how can you state this? Are the trillion dollar fashion/advertising/entertainment industries also wrong when they use masculine men to market their products to women instead of using effeminate men? These industries do their own extensive research on what traits women view as desirable in men. Is everyone wrong?

[Sheila]

And? What changes have happened in society in the last couple of years that would invalidate their findings?

No they are in a standard range which is recognized as being large enough to produce results +/- 3%. In fact, in statistics any sample size above 40 is regarded as being sufficient to detect statistical correlations.

Without the data how can you state this? Are the trillion dollar fashion/advertising/entertainment industries also wrong when they use masculine men to market their products to women instead of using effeminate men? These industries do their own extensive research on what traits women view as desirable in men. Is everyone wrong?


The researchers presented to 854 male and female subjects male head pictures that were digitally altered to exaggerate or decrease masculine traits

did u deliberately choose to ignore the fact thar the pictures were shown to both sexes and the resulting conclusions were based on the data collected therin........... thereby invalidating the statement" THAT Women Prefer Masculine Males for Affairs and Effeminate Ones as Husbands"

[Satrana]

You honestly think the University did not separate the male and female responses in order to specify what traits women found attractive? This is not a magazine survey to titillate its readership, it is a scientific study. So unless you know something different we can assume they only considered female responses when they reported on female behavior.

The report also states that this backs up a British study which reached the same conclusions.

[Sheila]

And? What changes have happened in society in the last couple of years that would invalidate their findings?

No they are in a standard range which is recognized as being large enough to produce results +/- 3%. In fact, in statistics any sample size above 40 is regarded as being sufficient to detect statistical correlations.

Without the data how can you state this? Are the trillion dollar fashion/advertising/entertainment industries also wrong when they use masculine men to market their products to women instead of using effeminate men? These industries do their own extensive research on what traits women view as desirable in men. Is everyone wrong?


said study's author, Daniel Kruger at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health.

The author states and nowhere in the article did it state that they seperated the results NOWHERE

[Deborah Jane]

You do talk crap sometimes :brolleyes:




Thank you for your invaluable contribution

Thank you :)