bad confrontation

[wendy68]

Ive been married to a girl for 14years now and told her about my cding a year ago . First couple of weeks were rocky but since then refuses to see me dressed which i respect especially after 14 years of hiding the truth. she told me that she would accept that i dress but wants nothing to do with that part of my life. At the same time she says she still loves me and supports my decison to join a local TG spport group in the area. She saids that she will not attend ever. Recently i tried to share some information on cding both written and by video in the attempts to help her understand alittle more about it. This went over very bad with a big blow up and confrontation. She told me that she didnt like that at all and that i dont fully respect her. This was not my intention at all. I thought it would at least help her to some degree understand things but i was way wrong. Well after a half hour of unpleasentness and a period of silence we settled down and told each other we loved each other. besides regretting what i tried to , she had also said she was embarrassed by me. This hurt alot. Before we made up she said " I could of packed my stuff and left with our son " or I could of given you choice or threw all your things out but i didnt did I" I would appreicate any insight or thoughts on the situation--Wendy

[Kayla Shadows]

Im sorry to hear about the blow up.I do understand what you were trying to do though.We all want to be understood by the person we love.If she is really that strong about not hearing about it,myself,I would probably leave it alone until she brought something up herself.I very much understand the feeling of wanting to be understood but,I would just give her the space she needs from it.

["Mary"]

Gee Wendy - There are a lot more savvy and experienced folks here that will probably give you sound strategies here. But, having a similarly tolerant wife, I'll offer my 2 cents worth. If CD'ing is just a hobby for you, I wouldn't push your luck. And just enjoy what opportunities you get. Is this such a deep personal need that it's worth turning your family upside down? For some people it is.

[kellycan27]

Your wife sounds like she she has been trying to tolerate something that she finds distasteful. Maybe you just pushed the envelope a bit too far. She did say that she wanted nothing to do with it. And her telling you that she is embarassed was maybe her way of telling you how this truly makes her feel.
The bright side.. she didn't leave and she didn't give you an ultimatem to get rid of your things. Sounds like she's willing to stay.... I guess the ball is in your court now. Maybe a good idea to show how much you love and appreciate her, and go back to keeping your cd'ing to yourself.

[MartineXdrs2]

[

Wendy, I wish I could help, but I'm in a similar place. I've been married to my present wife, (#2) for 19 years, she's known about my dressing for the last two,, but has a really hard time understanding. I don't think she wants to. She considers it a perversion. Just tonight she was saying to me that she'd like to see me in a thong with my testicles hanging out, I explained to her that that was not the way I liked to wear a thong,,,"Oh?" she says.

I tell her that I'd tuck them away,,"Wear?" she says.

Now I've told her about this several times, she's seen me in my girl mode, in just underwear, tucked and smooth.... so why is she asking this?

"Yes, when I dress I want to be a girl, I become a girl in my mind" I tell her....... BIG MISTAKE,,,,, she does not take this well, asks me if I want to make out with a guy,,,, when I tell her not, she says that I secretly do, implying that I'm gay.....


Oh well life goes on

[TxKimberly]

. . . Maybe a good idea to show how much you love and appreciate her, and go back to keeping your cd'ing to yourself. . .

Couldn't have said it any better than Kelly's post. Your wife made it clear she wanted nothing to do with it. Regardless of your good intentions, you tried to push information at her. Apparently your wife wasn't kidding or exaggerating when she said "nothing to do with it".
I agree it is sad that you will not be able to share with your wife, but it could have been worse.

[Jess_cd32]

........... she had also said she was embarrassed by me. This hurt alot...........

Mine doesn't say that, I beat her to it but I know she's thinking it. After all I told her, what would everyone think of you being with a "weirdo"!:brolleyes:

I recently told her maybe your ashamed of me being a cd, but I'm not at all, I hold my head high being who I am and I'm a damned good person.
Then I went on to who would judge me, the person living with someone elses wife we know?... or the one that has 8 kids by three different women?... or maybe our friend thats hooked on pain killers just to get high? Kinda puts things in perspective for me anyway.

I give my SO credit at least for educating herself to a degree after I told her months ago. It took her awhile but when she was ready, she read up on it and found good sites and has a good understanding of us.
On their behalf, I realize this is alot to ask them to accept and they didn't ask for this, so I'll roll with the punches and remarks made.

[linnea]

Relationships are complex and need constant work, even in the best of circumstances, if they are going to be really good and healthy.

[Raquel June]

You just need an understanding that's fair for both of you. You need to find what level of exposure to this she is comfortable and stick to that. If she never wants to go to a meeting and never wants to see it then I guess that's what you'll have to do.

But make her be fair to you, too. If you have this agreement that everything's going to be fine as long as she doesn't have to see it then make her stick to her side. You can't just let her abuse you and threaten you and bring up how much of a favor she's doing you by not leaving with your son.

You're not cheating on her. You're not coming out as TG or gay. It's just clothes.

[Shelly67]

kelly is bang on the money with this one . Your wife knows , hasn't walked away but must feel very stressed by the situation . What with the daily prospect of caring for a child she must be tired and indeed emotionally in need of support. I applaud the girl , she was so honest after a heated argument on telling you her feelings - at least the communication between you hasn,t ceased . I bet she questions and worries where youre dressing is taking you , especially as you have a family between you . You've got to regain her trust , cease her concerns .
In my mind I,d leave the subject alone for awhile , but as we all know the desire to enfemme never ceases once experienced and enjoyed ,so perhaps a compramise could be reached to keep the peace . How about maybe once or twice a month you could dress in private at home , in another room ? Make it a special evening , pamper yourself , have a glass of wine enfemme whilst you surf ad read others exploits ? This is only a suggestion , as I,m sure you,ll both need a balance in youre lifestyle . Whatever you do reflect it towards youre wife . Spoil her , celebrate the fact you are so lucky to have a family , hold her , love her. Do whatever it takes to develope peace and security in this new phase in both of youre lives .
In the end if you can reach an agreement , let things settle and peace to grow , who knows perhaps in the future you can gently approach the subject again .......
Good luck and god bless with your family .

[Joanne f]

You seam to have made the right moves, and you have tried to explain what it means to you and i would imagine that you have been as honest as you can be in the circumstance's.
Your wife know`s about it and how you feel but is unwilling to participate in it so i think you have to respect that at the moment and let her come to you now about it if ever she wants to .

[Hope]

Recently i tried to share some information on cding both written and by video in the attempts to help her understand alittle more about it. This went over very bad with a big blow up and confrontation.

Perhaps you could have handled this differently - but I doubt that was the problem.


She told me that she didnt like that at all and that i dont fully respect her.

Funny - I thought that was your line.


she had also said she was embarrassed by me.

And you don't respect her?


I could of packed my stuff and left with our son" or I could of given you choice or threw all your things out but i didnt did I"

And you don't respect her?

Wow she is really a thoughtful caring person isn't she? She hasn't cut you off from contact with your son, or thrown your things out of the house. How thoughtful. What the hell does she want? A cookie? Sure, she could have packed up and left, taken your son, or thrown all of your things out... but that is not how adults resolve conflicts. You might remind her that you could do the same thing... After all, you don't want your son growing up with a bigot... but that isn't a good idea either.

Honestly, her issues are emotional, and societal, not logical. There is no argument you can make to solve this. I recommend couples counseling, and maybe a healthy dose of individual counseling for her... and some for you wouldn't hurt either - but mostly her.

[Joanne f]

Honestly, her issues are emotional, and societal, not logical. There is no argument you can make to solve this. I recommend couples counseling, and maybe a healthy dose of individual counseling for her... and some for you wouldn't hurt either - but mostly her.


Yes her issues maybe emotional and social but is that not what relationships are built on , if it was just logic there would be no feelings and would you want a marriage with no feelings .
And to a certain point would not counseling in this instance be like saying ," Hey you have to have counseling to come around to my way of thinking ")

[tricia_uktv]

I'm sorry to hear that but some people will never get it, although from my experience give them time and space and they will. So I would say leave well alone and only ever discuss it when and if she brings it up - be a good husband in the meantime.

If you are desperate to dress see if you can arrange some time away from your neighbourhood where you can do it. But tread very carefully and good luck

[Shari]

From your post, she's made it clear she wants nothing to do with it.

Just leave it alone unless she brings it up to you and
whatever you do, don't jam it down her throat.

If she doesn't like it, then she doesn't like it. Simple.

She's not the problem here, and she certainly isn't a bigot.
Good grief, what a comment that was!

[Sandra]

I would imagine that she wasn't pleased becasue you showed her the vidoes etc, when she said she didn't want anything to do with your cding, ok I can understand why you did this, but maybe it would have been better if you'd let her come to you and ask questions.

You say she's known for about a year, believe me that is not long and after been married for 14 years then finding out there is no wonder she's like she is.

Maybe just say to her " I would like to chat but when and if you are ready" and leave it at that, you could mention this place and that there is other GGs who would be willing to talk to her so she knows she's not alone.


Wow she is really a thoughtful caring person isn't she? She hasn't cut you off from contact with your son, or thrown your things out of the house. How thoughtful. What the hell does she want? A cookie?
Wow and how thoughtfull and caring was Wendy not telling her until they'd been married for 14 years? this works both ways you know. I doubt she wants a cookie but maybe some trust.


Sure, she could have packed up and left, taken your son, or thrown all of your things out... but that is not how adults resolve conflicts. You might remind her that you could do the same thing... After all, you don't want your son growing up with a bigot... but that isn't a good idea either

and this will not help one little bit !!!

[Raquel June]

I doubt she wants a cookie but maybe some trust.

You can't speak for her! Only she can decide if she does or does not want a cookie. In my experience, everybody wants a cookie. But all I've got are chocolate chip, Thin Mints, and a stale box of Samoas. Some women are looking for biscotti. Or chocolate chocolate chip. And I'm packin' Toll House. C'est la vie.

Oh, you can have my cookies, but you can't force me to restock! Why are guys the only ones interested in my cookies these days? Who doesn't like to nibble on a Thin Mint?

[Sara Jessica]

Honestly, her issues are emotional, and societal, not logical.

Perhaps true, but it doesn't make this any easier of a problem to solve.

Social expectations are what they are, we can take baby steps to try to create a change in attitudes but think about it, the argument goes both ways.

Our side...whether feminine expression is some sort of learned behavior or engrained to the core of our being, we strive for acceptance by groups which may or may not include family, friends, coworkers or simply the public at large. But all of the above are colored by lifetimes of learned behaviors along with teachings & observations about what is supposed to be normal. Face it, this whole thing may feel right (ie-I should be able to dress how I wish) or simply be right (I know of no other existence than who I am), yet overcoming these societal barriers seems to be the never ending story in our world.

Her side...it's been said so many times that when tg issues are disclosed after marriage, or even deep into a relationship, this is not what our SO's bargain for. I'm here to tell you that even disclosure before marriage isn't a ticket to a lifetime of acceptance. Every woman deals with this kind of disclosure differently but there is a reason the most common reaction seems to be a degree of acceptance/tolerance with decided non-participation. The same societal pressures and learnings are in play here as well. Her logic from a lifetime of experience tells her this is not normal. Again, it is what it is.

At the end of the day, Kelly's advice is so right on the mark. Many of us push the barriers trying to increase the level of acceptance from those who we love the most, myself included. Other than those who simply whine about a lack of acceptance, I don't think any of us are deluded into thinking there is an easy solution. This makes the thoughtful replies from throughout posts like this invaluable in terms of the support we can provide to one another.

[Desiree2bababe]

Don't push it. She sounds as if she's trying to understand. Give her time.......

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I feel so sorry for the both of you - some GGs just cannot tolerate

crossdressers and especially if they are married to one - the ignorance and

prejudices of the past and present are real - it is probably not her fault - she

was probably brought up with those instilled in her


I don't know if she will ever compromise or try to understand, but I do know

this - you are a crossdresser - you cannot and will not ever change no matter

what you do or think

JoAnne Wheeler

[SouthernBelle.GG]

she had also said she was embarrassed by me. This hurt alot.

That hurt my feelings to read, so I can just imagine how you feel.

Seems like right now you're going to have to be satisfied with her acceptance and not wanting anything to do with your CDing.
She's probably very hurt you've kept this from her and is having a hard time. I know you want/need to explain and have her
understand. Be patient. Hopefully, some day she will be more open to at least a discussion.

[Sarasometimes]

My situation is different but maybe you can gain something from it. About 8 or so years ago my wife found the history on the computer feature (CD's should be computer savy) where I had gone dozens of times to the old cd forum and one entitled Men in Bras. She confronted me at 10:30 at nite when I returned from a real macho activity. I said that those subjects interested me. She said nothing in return and turned off the computer. I had a sleepless night and since then the subject has never come up.
She has on rare occasions seen remnants of makeup, Is that makeup on you eyelid? I would say ah what? Let me clean that off....must be dirt..
My point is that maybe this is the level of involvement your wife wants as well. I refer to it as the don't ask ,don't tell policy. Iunderstand that what you tried to do was well intentioned it just may not be what SHE needs nor wants.
I think we can easily lose sight of what our spouses need. We place our needs as if they are what she wants. If the subject comes up agian in my house i would love for her to understand and support my needs but i need to view it the same way as she does. She is thinking the same thing. I need him to accept and support my needs.
Since I didn't have the knowledge nor courage to bring up this subject before marriage i have chosen to leave well enough alone. So far so good!
Good luck!

[SusanCACD]

I'd say do the guy thing, only better. I don't mean put your girl away, I mean actually do all the stuff the guys are supposed to do, like the lawn, fixing things, making your home better doing all the stuff that needs to be done (there is always a backlog). Spatter in a few thoughtfull gestures like a load of laundry or a couple loads of dishes or do some task she does but does normally but got a little behind on. Maybe if she could see having another woman around sometimes is not so bad. I have read in several places that the marrige should come first, and dressing second. I just think if she saw the same qualities in you she sees in her women friends and/or women she admires maybe she wouldn't think of you as a sissy or weirdo. Just a thought and everyone's situation is different, so you have to judge it for yourself.
Susan

[Veronica Lacey]

Stormy weather indeed, a storm that your wife likely never imagined when she said "I do" some 14 years ago.

Perhaps look on the positive side of her comments that she could have left and taken your son with her. Perhaps she was just paraphrasing a situation in a show of love and support for you. In her mind maybe she meant that many other women would have just left and taken the kids and abandoned you. Instead she is sticking with you and still loves you - the you she married and were before your disclosure. She is willing to try with time.

An unsubscribed display of your dressing lifestyle desires (written and video moment there) likely backed her into a corner and when a person is against the wall I believe that anything can happen. What came out of her mouth was a form of defense mechanism that was engaging in order to give her the space to think. She may truly feel embarrassed (yes, that stings!) but it would seem that she is still - even after a year - coming to terms with this extra piece of your personality. You've had most of your life and most of your marriage to prepare to tell her and prepare for how she may react. Maybe she needs 14 years to get used to it?

Although I managed to tell my then future wife about my dressing just a few weeks into our relationship (timing is everything and I was lucky in that respect, I admit) getting through the initial disclosure process is much like geological plate tectonics. Call them emotional tectonics if you wish. After the initial major earthquake (you telling her) it takes years to stabilize and many subsequent rumblings over the years for the foundation of your relationsip to settle back down, for things to be solid enough to begin building on again.

I went through similar rumblings with my wife (then girlfriend) and after a good ten years we finally settled into what works for both of us. Yes, I would still like yet a higher level of acceptance but it likely will never happen. At best maybe once a year or so I will ask her - just ask - if she would be willing to go further. For some that still may be asking too much more of a partner but it's okay in our case. She will talk a brief bit about it and reiterate her feelings that she cannot accept it more than it already is. Discussion over and we move on.

Sorry Wendy, no real answers for you of course, just another perspective. I will always be hoping that you both can adjust to this relatively new aspect of your relationship as a couple even if it takes years. :hugs:

[sissystephanie]

First of all, let me state that this Thread shows exactly why I strongly promote open and totally honest communication BEFORE marriage. You have been living a lie for 14 years!! You are very lucky to still have a wife!

Now lets move on! I don't believe that there is a man alive who knows exactly how, what, or why a woman is thinking at a given moment! We just can't do it! Our brains don't work that way!! Viva La Difference, or something like that!!

However, having lived midway into my 70's and having been married for almost 50 of those years, I do feel somewhat qualified to address the problems brought forth in this thread.

Your wife has already shown her great love for you, by not leaving!! What about you? What have you done? Tried to make her see your side of things! Is that showing her that you really love her? Not in my book!

Others have said that there is a need for therapy, especially for her! Why? What has she done wrong, except be a normal woman? She married what she thought was a real man, then 14 years later she finds out he wants to be part man and part woman!! How would you act if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak?

What you need to do is to let her know, in every way possible, that you are still the same man she married. When I said in every way possible, I meant just that! If you really, truly love your wife, marriage will always come first. Before CD activities or anything else.

Ask her if she will let you tell her why you dress! Don't force the issue, just ask her. If she says you may tell her, be totally honest about it and DON"T hide anything else!! It may cost you the marriage, but the way you are going now I don't think it will last much longer anyway. Sorry to say that, but that is my perspective, based on many years of people observation!

On the other hand, if you do dress just for fun, as I do, then you may find that she will become a willing accomplice. I told my late wife before we were married and we had a lot of fun with my CD activities over the next 49+ years. She may want to set some boundaries. My wife did, but nothing I could not live with.

My whole point is that you are the one who is going to have to give!! You lived a lie for those 14 years, and now you are paying for it!

I wish the best of luck to both of you!!:hugs:

[Hope]

Yes her issues maybe emotional and social but is that not what relationships are built on , if it was just logic there would be no feelings and would you want a marriage with no feelings .
And to a certain point would not counseling in this instance be like saying ," Hey you have to have counseling to come around to my way of thinking ")

Yeah - you could see it that way... but that is not what counseling is about. It's more like "we have this issue in our relationship, and we are not doing a great job of resolving it on our own, so rather than threatening each other, and hurting each other, let's enlist the help of a professional to help us resolve this, or at least find some common ground."

But what if the OP did want her to see things his way? Why would that be so wrong? What would be so wrong with a husband asking his wife to, you know, love and accept him for who he is?


If she doesn't like it, then she doesn't like it. Simple.

She's not the problem here, and she certainly isn't a bigot.
Good grief, what a comment that was!

Well... since I made the comment - let me ask you - if you don't call a person who dislikes someone, or something about that person, just "because" and without any rational reason (like say skin color or gender or sexual orientation) a bigot what DO you call them?


Perhaps true, but it doesn't make this any easier of a problem to solve.

Indeed. In fact it makes it a much more difficult problem to solve. When there is a right, and a wrong, and people choose the wrong because it "feels" right to them... even though making that choice is going to harm them and their relationships in the future... how do you deal with that?

Ask questions. Try to find the source of that feeling. Expose it to daylight and examination. It is hardly an end, and it is not necessarily comfortable, but it is a start, and it is better than living in misery and shame.

[charlie]

Hello Wendy!
Marriage is a balancing act at the best of times. When it comes to crossdressing husbands, it seems that usually all balancing is way off kilter. For years now my wife has enforced the "don't ask, don't tell" rule and acts like I never said anything. It is best. I know if I bring up the subject it will turn ugly (crying, you lied, you hid stuff from me, ...) and nothing good will come of it. My wife is still with me, loves me and acts like nothing has changed. It has been two years, I let sleeping dogs lie....my advice, do the same.

[Sarah...]

she had also said she was embarrassed by me.

Oh, and there's the issue. You are married. You have a family. You have made a commitment to each other.

But she is embarrassed by you.

How can you two live a future together knowing that? She is embarrassed by you. You know she is embarrassed by you. You both need to talk about that. A serious, sit down, proper listening kind of a talk. Because you can't be a source of embarrassment for the rest of your life and she can't be embarrassed by you for her whole life.

You can't force her to participate and she can't refuse to participate. Not if you have committed and continue to commit to each other.

I'm always worried that "giving her some space" means ignoring the issue. Talking is the key. :)

Sarah...

[Hope]

Oh, and there's the issue. You are married. You have a family. You have made a commitment to each other.

But she is embarrassed by you.

How can you two live a future together knowing that? She is embarrassed by you. You know she is embarrassed by you. You both need to talk about that. A serious, sit down, proper listening kind of a talk. Because you can't be a source of embarrassment for the rest of your life and she can't be embarrassed by you for her whole life.

You can't force her to participate and she can't refuse to participate. Not if you have committed and continue to commit to each other.

I'm always worried that "giving her some space" means ignoring the issue. Talking is the key. :)

Sarah...

Can a sister get an AMEN?

[wendy68]

I appreciate all the thoughts that you all have conveyed. I definitely will be not mentioning it and as many of you have noted--letting her make the next move if any move is to be made. My best intentions really blew up in my face and i have learned my lesson. I think not bringing it up is the only answer at this point such as alot of you have mentioned. I also think communication is a important thing but even indirect commnication seems to set her off. I will just try to be the best husband i can for her and be happy for my one night per week and monthly suport group. Thanks to all of you again--wendy:hugs:

[LA CINDY LOVE]

Hello Wendy!
Marriage is a balancing act at the best of times. When it comes to crossdressing husbands, it seems that usually all balancing is way off kilter. For years now my wife has enforced the "don't ask, don't tell" rule and acts like I never said anything. It is best. I know if I bring up the subject it will turn ugly (crying, you lied, you hid stuff from me, ...) and nothing good will come of it. My wife is still with me, loves me and acts like nothing has changed. It has been two years, I let sleeping dogs lie....my advice, do the same.
Wendy what you are trying to do is what so many of us CD try to do..... push it down our wife/So throat.....with tapes and books and moves and web sites to help show who and what we are.......but they do NOT care about that sh*t.

When they say that they do NOT want to have anything to do with or dressing, they do not want to see it read it or hear about it......and the more you try to push it down throat the more they are going to push back.

The best thing to do is to keep it to your self and away from her.

LA CINDY LOVE