Acceptance

[Sarah_GG]

I read so many threads on this forum about non-accepting SOs. I am left wondering WHY did you didn’t spot that your SO might not be open to your crossdressing before you even thought about marriage?

If your SO holds such different views to yours why did you think that yours would be a marriage made in heaven? I have said it on other threads... If I heard my SO or a friend or a relative spout such narrow-minded views about anything – homosexuality, religion, race, age etc - I would challenge them. At the very least I would think they’re entitled to their opinion even if it doesn’t reflect mine but I wouldn’t necessarily invite them over for dinner. The very last thing I would do is marry them!

I appreciate that crossdressing is one of the last taboos, and that older CDers (pre internet) might have thought they’d grow out of it or it was just a phase, but really is there any excuse for anyone under 30?

[Senban]

And Sarah_GG wins the thread and perhaps the entire forum with a single post. That post should be made a sticky :cheer:

[deja true]

And Sarah_GG wins the thread and perhaps the entire forum with a single post. That post should be made a sticky :cheer:


I agree 100%...

And thanks for letting us ol' girls off the hook!

It took decades for many of us to accept ourselves, knowing that society or those close to us would not. But crossdressing people and transgendered people (or gay people or people of color or disadvantaged people or blah, blah, blah people) are not the societal pariahs they once were. Laws have changed, mores have changed, the availability of information has changed. A better educated and more open society (in general) is the result.

It's up to each of us now, I think, to try to widen that circle of acceptance
for all minorities...and conversely...to condemn and fight the choking noose of intolerance and bigotry. We can do it one on one with our acquaintances and friends and we can do it globally through organizations and mass action.

Thanks Sarah for the good thought!

:)

[tricia_uktv]

Sarah,

I hope you'll let me off because we did start pre-internet but I definately thought she was the one and that, because I loved her, all my CD'ing would disappear. For a while, when times were good it did and we had twins but as I got older and life got harder the CD feeling returned again and again, stronger and stronger each time. I did my best to contain it but ultimately, it was actually the death of my Father which triggered it, I just had to come out with it. For a while she was supportive but in the end couldn't live with it or me.

[JenJenNumber9]

is shame and lack of self-knowledge.

Many here struggle with both. I think most of us struggle with the latter. I know I do.

But yours is excellent advice. I let potential SO's know about me before the first kiss and I expect that they will not be able to process this revelation quickly.

[Jan W]

Oh gee that is a big call Sarah.

I do appreciate the qualifier in your post re crossdressing being the last taboo but to be able to pick that the woman you fall in love with would be unable to handle her husband wanting to dress as a woman years down the track is a pretty long bow.

I am guessing that you are one of the very special SO's that are secure enough with their own esteem to see the best in her husband and not feel threatened, embarrassed or angry that the man she married has kept such a powerful secret from her.

I think you are one of the good ones.

Love,


Jan

[Shari]

Why didn't you spot that your SO was a crossdresser?

That question totally flabbergasts me.

Tell me, what are the signs? How would one go about determining that? How incredibly insightful must one be in order to perceive something so dark and secretive and locked away so deeply?

Unless he tells you, or you catch him, or see his girly things lying about, how could you possibly know?
Are there some magical nuances or subtle actions that give us away?

This part of our lives is so private and so hidden for the majority of the cd community.
You can't possibly make an educated guess about something as closely guarded as this.

Come on. You're kidding us, right?

[Kate Simmons]

Most of the problems come in when the idea is substituted for the person. We all sink or swim on our own merit really.

[JoannaCaroline]

Why didn't you spot that your SO was a crossdresser?

That question totally flabbergasts me.

Shari, I think she is asking how the TG/CD did not figure out that the SO would not be accepting not the other way around. I think you got it backwards.

I have to agree with that point although I think she is going to get a lot of hate mail over the way she stated it. I've definitely matured since my teenage and early 20's but I can't fathom dating anyone that is closed-minded much less marry them these days. I might have made that mistake in college although almost all of my serious girlfriends in college knew all about me and were accepting and that was "pre-internet" as someone said.

When I got a little older (25+) and would meet a woman I would find out whether or not she was prejudiced bigoted, or overly religious in the first 10-15 minutes of a conversation. If they couldn't pass those tests I definitely wouldn't date them and unless we were forced together for business or other reasons I wouldn't even associate with them.

That may be a little extreme but I think it saved me a lot of grief and I dated a lot of amazing people and married the best of them.

I think we may find that some of the horror stories we read here may have to do with people who got married very young. If you're significantly older than 18 and/or on your 2nd, 3rd or more situation where you are dating or married to an unaccepting SO.....You may want to question why you associate with people with who are bigoted, prejudiced or religious. I put the religious part in there because in christian, muslim and some other religions the religious part breeds the bigotry and prejudice.

[Sarasometimes]

I read so many threads on this forum about non-accepting SOs. I am left wondering WHY did you didn’t spot that your SO might not be open to your crossdressing before you even thought about marriage?

If your SO holds such different views to yours why did you think that yours would be a marriage made in heaven? I have said it on other threads... If I heard my SO or a friend or a relative spout such narrow-minded views about anything – homosexuality, religion, race, age etc - I would challenge them. At the very least I would think they’re entitled to their opinion even if it doesn’t reflect mine but I wouldn’t necessarily invite them over for dinner. The very last thing I would do is marry them!

I appreciate that crossdressing is one of the last taboos, and that older CDers (pre internet) might have thought they’d grow out of it or it was just a phase, but really is there any excuse for anyone under 30?
Firstly let me say I clearly fall in the exempt category (30++++). You make a valid point if you take the emotion out of the equation. Love is blind saying is often true. I think many here either chose to ignore the obvious or hoped she would change. Many men and women go into marriage with this point of view. Oh yeah he drinks a lot but I'll change that, or Yes I know she is a real flirt, but after we marry she will change...
Don't misinterpret these comments as validating these decisions, I am simply mentioning how the human mind can twist things to make it look right. I agree that someone who knows they are a CD before marriage and fails to cross that bridge first is making a huge error in judgement. I also agree with you that they shouldn't be at all surpised when they aren't supported by thier spouses when thye finally let them in on it. Thanks for taking the time to post your view.

[Lisa Golightly]

I always knew there was something not quite just CD with me... That's why I didn't get married and didn't have kids...

Carmen was her name and she knew I was CD (I was always honest from the outset) but I lied about being possibly TS... She really took exception to me breaking things off... but she got married... and I hope she had kids.

It was a tough decision... but for me it was the right one...

Lisa x

[Sarah_GG]

Why didn't you spot that your SO was a crossdresser?

That question totally flabbergasts me.

Tell me, what are the signs? How would one go about determining that? How incredibly insightful must one be in order to perceive something so dark and secretive and locked away so deeply?

Unless he tells you, or you catch him, or see his girly things lying about, how could you possibly know?
Are there some magical nuances or subtle actions that give us away?

This part of our lives is so private and so hidden for the majority of the cd community.
You can't possibly make an educated guess about something as closely guarded as this.

Come on. You're kidding us, right?


No that wasn’t my question. My question was why couldn’t you spot that your SO might hold such vastly different opinions to you on such fundamental issues. You’ve sort of answered the question by saying that it was “so dark and secretive and locked away” that perhaps even you (or especially you) couldn’t accept it about yourself. According to ‘My Husband Betty’s author, it’s common for CDers to be drawn to fairly conservative women for that very reason.

What I’m trying to say (without blaming or finger pointing) is that if I got to the point where I was considering marrying a person, together we would hopefully have worked out that we shared similar views on many things – ie they wouldn’t be a racist, homophobic bigot.

At 47 I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily any more broadminded than the next person, having been brought up in the 60s, received a basic education, travelled a little and lived in a multi-cultural and reasonably diverse society.

I really do understand how difficult it must be to feel possessed by such a “socially unacceptable” urge as crossdressing, but now – in 2009 - there is an opportunity to make it more socially acceptable. To do that we have to challenge peoples (starting with our nearest and dearest) misconceptions and try to educate them on what is, let’s face it, a very complex issue.

[Senban]

I think you've hit the nail on the head again Sarah_GG. :bonk:

You don't just dive into marriage or even a relationship without finding out if you (all of you) is compatible with the other person. You have to be honest from day one, with them and yourself.

Of course we'll have the usual orchestra of violins playing now as people bemoan the fact that girls won't be attracted to them if they know they're CD :violin: Whether that's true or not (it isn't), it's still better to be honest from the off. Otherwise you're getting both of you tied up in a relationship which is either going to blow apart at a later date or is going to make you sick inside as you're pretending to be something you're not for the rest of your life. Proven recipe for disaster.

Sarah_GG, next time you're having a drink, have it with my thanks for starting this very important thread :hugs:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Well I am 64 years old - growing up, I had no information about this - I

thought that I was the ONLY one that this was happening to - I was so

scared - so alone - no one to talk to - lonely - I thought that something was

so very wrong with me - I didn't know what to do


But I DID know that for reasons that I couldn't understand, that I absolutely

had to aquire female clothing and that I had to wear them - I had to be fully

dressed in order to calm these OVERWHELMING inner desires


I did not tell my future spouse BECAUSE I was scared to, I did not know what

or how to say it because I didn't know what to say - I truly thought that when I

got married that this would finally stop - I prayed that it would stop - well

it did not stop - it only got worse - there was no Internet - no reading

material - nothing to try to find out why - I tried to be a good husband, but

these URGES/DESIRES/NEEDS would not leave me alone - I did not know

what to do or say - I was tormented and I could not out of fear talk to my

spouse about it because of fear that she would not understand and that she

would leave me and I did not know why I was this way - I did not choose to

be this way

Eventually, as has happened to most of us, she found my stash of make-up

and that brought things to a head real quick - I cryed as I told her that

those items were mine and that I did not know why I had to crossdress and

that I was sorry that I had not told her about this and that I had truly

thought that this was some type of phase that marriage would cure.

That is what happened to me.


JoAnne Wheeler

[Senban]

JoAnne I can only imagine how difficult it was for you and you genuinely have my sympathy for that :hugs:

JoAnne Wheeler said - "I cryed as I told her that those items were mine and that I did not know why I had to crossdress and that I was sorry that I had not told her about this and that I had truly thought that this was some type of phase that marriage would cure."

Again you have my sympathy for how difficult it was for you but marrying someone as an attempted cure for something means the marriage isn't a marriage but rather an attempt to fix something and that's not fair to either partner either. Please understand I'm not judging you because who knows what I would have done under those same circumstances? I'm just trying to be objective of course.

[Samantha B L]

Your point is well taken,Sarah. I've never been married but I had the same SO or GG girlfreind who I had known since I was 13 years old in 1969. As our relationship grew closer through the years I told her all about my crossdressing and she was completely accepting. We never married but before she died in 2005 she was planning on buying a new house and she was going to let me have my own "dressing room" with wall-to-wall mirrors and a makeup vanity. One problem with not telling your SO early in the relationship is that when you come out a few years later it may be seen as more or less diabolical or snidely whiplash in nature,like something symptomatic of a "criminal pathology". "Half the time that guy our daughter was married to was out of work and wouldn't you know it but he actually spent hours ar home watching TV in a dress and a wig with a beer in his hand"........"a goddam transvestite of all things"!...... OK, so it's not that bad.I know. But if you let your SO know early on you may be in for a pleasant surprise.

[Di]

Great thread:thumbsup: I always wondered about this as well
and have tried to encourage the single ladies to please be open with their girlfriends so yrs down the line when you realize this is a part of you that will always be a part of you that you have married an like minded partner and all the yrs of stress on both sides will not have to be.
My wish and hope for the future is with the internet and places like this forum it helps with the understanding ,confusion, self love and acceptance on both sides and instead you will see it as a gift.:hugs:

[Lorileah]

Of course there is an excuse for the people under 30. They are people too just like us older people. Oh...nevermind :o

One never knows everyone's life secrets or history. Things are left out inadvertently or subconsciously. We miss subtle clues just like they do. When we first go shopping with them and they ask our opinion and we give an honest answer as to the style or look or color, they think they have found a sensitive man. They are thrilled and we see that exuberance as "She will accept me!"
Later when they ask and we tell them we don't like something we go from sensitive to horses patoots and they go from caring acceptance to witches.

It all comes down to finding a comfortable middle ground.

I think the point of your post is why should we complain about them when we should wonder why we missed the signals they gave out. Bravo! But the answer is when we are dating we are putting our best stuff on. Honestly no self respecting woman wants a guy who scratches and belches and wears the same underwear a week. (not that any of my sweet friends here do that). They tell you they love certain sexual acts but after the wedding dress comes off those never happen again. I say that when you get married and say
"I do" her thought is "not anymore you won't"

Should we put out bait to see how they will react early on? In theory that would be a great idea, but remember that during the initial phase you look at things through a Gaussian filter (that is where being over 30 has its advantage, the under 30 crowd only has experience with digital photography). Should we be fishing for deep dark secrets that early in a relationship? "By the way honey, what is your feeling on...?" Even if you could cover everything you would never agree on everything. At my age, I would put out the bait of crossdressing though. That is just experience. I haven't ever been in a relationship that dressing was a problem. Just lucky in my pond I guess. In fact I have had two relationships where it was a plus.

Long way around on this but I can see what you are saying and I see your point an I hope it gets through, BUT you are preaching to the choir here. The ones who need to learn this are reading the "My wife is a B*tch" posts. Maybe we can save one soul:daydreaming:

[Carin's Wife GG]

could not stay married.

I am not a racist, a homophope or a bigot. Carin knows this. So do my children and friends.

Yes, I was very young when I married. I was open minded, fairly well educated. I am not so young now and still open minded. I have worked for years and years to demand equal rights for those to whom it has been denied.

Our marriage was long and in so many ways complicated. Transgender was one part and it was a part of the decision to to divorce. IMO people often marry for many different reasons, many times not realized or spoken aout in the youth of marriage. People grow and change. It would be wonderful if they grow and change together, sometimes they don't.

CDing became more in our marriage. TG is more than just crossdressing. It was not about *clothes*. It was about the *person* inside regardless of the clothing. Truth be told I had not looked, really looked, at the inside of the *person*, the man I married. Or really myself. Self realization took a while! You know, in 1995, before he *told* me, I had asked him what piece of himself he had withheld from me. I *knew* without knowing.

Neither one of us were/are *bad* people. We were actually very good parents. I have tremandous respect for the person who was my husband. And I would stand up and speak for him and others who are not treated equally in society.

Bigoted? Really? I don't think so. Ignorant maybe. Bigoted, no.



Louise.

[linnea]

Oh gee that is a big call Sarah.

I do appreciate the qualifier in your post re crossdressing being the last taboo but to be able to pick that the woman you fall in love with would be unable to handle her husband wanting to dress as a woman years down the track is a pretty long bow.

I am guessing that you are one of the very special SO's that are secure enough with their own esteem to see the best in her husband and not feel threatened, embarrassed or angry that the man she married has kept such a powerful secret from her.

I think you are one of the good ones.

Love,

Jan

While Sarah makes a good point (and I too appreciate the exception for older CDs), I agree with Jan.
I fell in love with my SO and I kept my CDing a secret--as I had kept it a secret from my parents, relatives (close relatives), and friends--because I was worried about acceptance. I knew that acceptance might be an issue BEFORE I married my SO. But I knew that acceptance might be an issue with my best friends too; they are still my friends and I'm still crossdressing secretly.
I think that my SO is very special; I hold my best friends in very high regard and esteem. I can not find the courage to tell either ones that I CD.

[Jess_cd32]

My desires to cd when I met my SO were under control and I was OK with occasionally dressing when I had a chance so I never had much of a problem.
There would be years go by that I didn't think about it much, so why say anything, esp with how society views us.
Recently though the pink fog hit again with such a vengance like never before, thats when I had to come out and its been a problem ever since.
In most ways I'm glad it did, its not something I'm going to bury anymore about myself and I'm happy that I'm a cd. Wish she was to:sad:

[Nicole Erin]

People *think* they are in love or some crap like that when they get married, you know, on top of the world, lovey dovey...

Most mairriages last the duration of a fart.

People get married and THEN get to know each other and find out they are not all that in love after all...

Happens with all kinds of people.

[Carin's Wife GG]

People *think* they are in love or some crap like that when they get married, you know, on top of the world, lovey dovey...

Most mairriages last the duration of a fart.

People get married and THEN get to know each other and find out they are not all that in love after all...

Happens with all kinds of people.


our marriage was more than a *fart*. We BOTH worked to try to make it work. For many reasons we BOTH failed to make it work. Neither one of us is a *bad* person. Neither one of us is a bigot.Yes, it does happen to many different couples. We are one of those couples.


Louise.

[deja true]

In the throws of young love (not just love between young people, but a new love between any two starstruck individuals)...

I've heard it said the the woman's unspoken point of view is often...

"He's mostly a great guy...but I know I can change those few little things that annoy me sometimes (those atrocious ties, that thing about the beer always having to be the right temperature, etc....). It'll work out fine! Thank God!"

...and the man's (unspoken) point of view is....

"Gosh, she's such a great woman...and I'm sure glad that she hasn't been upset about those things that mom always bugged me about (feet up on the coffee table, watching ESPN the whole weekend...etc...). She's not trying to change me. Thank God!"

With the love goggles on in the pre-wedding days, a lot of this picayunish stuff just doesn't come up, does it? Well neither does a lot of the really important stuff either...the college crush that never went away, the high school baby that was given up for adoption, the juvenile conviction for peeping that put you on the sex offender list in your home state, the infatuation with your mother's lingerie when you were in middle school.

Can we ever, ever be 100% truthful with the ones we find to love?

[Mistybtm]

And Sarah_GG wins the thread and perhaps the entire forum with a single post. That post should be made a sticky :cheer:
I also agree to bad there are not more wonderful people like Sarah:love:

[Sarah_GG]

Thanks everyone for some great responses.

For the record, I'm not saying that marriages and relationships aren't fraught with difficulties anyway, even if both people are singing from the same hymn sheet. And I too am guilty of wearing stockings at the beginning of a relationship with the statement "oh I always wear them, so much more comfortable than tights" only to resume wearing tights the minute the relationship feels comfortable!

My SO (who's 56) didn't tell his first wife and his second wife found out after 15 years together. I'm sure he only told me because he'd finally accepted it in himself... but that was at eight months into our relationship and only last year.

I wasn't meaning to be judgmental - just interested.

Thank you and :hugs: to everyone who's had a difficult time or is going through a difficult time.

[Mollyanne]

Well I am 64 years old - growing up, I had no information about this - I

thought that I was the ONLY one that this was happening to - I was so

scared - so alone - no one to talk to - lonely - I thought that something was

so very wrong with me - I didn't know what to do


But I DID know that for reasons that I couldn't understand, that I absolutely

had to aquire female clothing and that I had to wear them - I had to be fully

dressed in order to calm these OVERWHELMING inner desires


I did not tell my future spouse BECAUSE I was scared to, I did not know what

or how to say it because I didn't know what to say - I truly thought that when I

got married that this would finally stop - I prayed that it would stop - well

it did not stop - it only got worse - there was no Internet - no reading

material - nothing to try to find out why - I tried to be a good husband, but

these URGES/DESIRES/NEEDS would not leave me alone - I did not know

what to do or say - I was tormented and I could not out of fear talk to my

spouse about it because of fear that she would not understand and that she

would leave me and I did not know why I was this way - I did not choose to

be this way

Eventually, as has happened to most of us, she found my stash of make-up

and that brought things to a head real quick - I cryed as I told her that

those items were mine and that I did not know why I had to crossdress and

that I was sorry that I had not told her about this and that I had truly

thought that this was some type of phase that marriage would cure.

That is what happened to me.


JoAnne Wheeler

I'm totally with you on this one!!!! The same EXACT scenario happened with me and like you I am in my 60"s.

Mollyanne

[TxKimberly]

. . . And thanks for letting us ol' girls off the hook! . . .


Awesome thread and I particularly like Deja's response.

I told my wife very early on but I CAN still understand how one of us might end up in the situation you describe.

As a few others have tried to say, many of us were certain that once we were married, we would no longer want to do this, or at the least, we would be able to overcome the need - we were wrong. Being married does not magically reduce your need or desire to express this side of our self and it does not magically give us the strength to stop. A lot of us made the mistake of thinking it would and were terribly disappointed to find that we were wrong.

[Stefanie_Adams]

Joanne, My history is very similar to yours in almost all respects. I am in my late fifties and my wife and I are still together. Although she has known for 19 years now, she still doesn't participate or fully accept this side of me. Our relationship is with this is "I understand, but I don't want to see".

As far as her picking up on the "signs" no way she could have done that as I was so determined not to give any out. I would always play the "homophobe" to keep her off the trail. Not anymore thought.
Often I have tried to put myself in her place or what if the shoe was on the other foot how would I feel, I cannot honestly tell any of you that I would be "Accepting" if I had not been born with these feelings I have had all of these years.
Men and woman are conditioned by society as to what is to be the correct way to live your lives. Girls grow up to be women and get married expecting to be married to a guy and some find out that they did not. I don't know what I am trying to say here, it is a very difficult situation.
My wife had a close friend who is TS hasn't seen her in awhile, and she was very supportive of her and maybe the reason being is that she could detach herself from that relationship because it was a friendship not a marriage and I am confident that is why she feels the way she does in our relationship.
I was deceitful to her and we lived a lie for many years until she found me out. And to this day even thought we are still together I feel that I have stolen her life(not giving her a choice in the matter by not telling her) and I don't feel very good about that. She is a pretty strong woman and speaks her mind but I think we love each other and that's the one reason we are still together. She doesn't even now my femme name, and there are times when she feels that she is holding me back from who I want or need be.
I don't think for even the most open minded person that acceptance is 100% from the outset and It is foolish of me to think that she or society would embrace me 100% as female.
though I would like that. my two cents, great thread.
Hugs
Stefanie

[tamarav]

I am also dismayed that some of today's newer CDs would not have the information needed to understand this activity and fully inform their SO.

I am one of the older CDs and I informed my wife of 25 years 3 years before we got married, simply because she was so important to me. Marriage is a combination of friendship and love. Your life partner should be one of the first people to understand what you do or think.

My wife and I were talking just yesterday about this and at one point she said "we have never argued, we each know what is important to the other". Loving partners should be just that.

Anybody that has as much information as there is on the Internet avaialable to them today should be light years ahead.

You are absolutely right in my eyes.

[Teri Jean]

Sarah, it is with some experiance that I have to agree to a point. As younger CDs enter into realationships with a possible mate or partner one would think they would express their desires to CD. The desire to be in a relationship and being "normal" can force one to be less reveiling with this aspect of their lives.

I for one had these urges for over 40 years and was married for 35 with a wonderful family. As the kids grew up and the nest became empty the desire to dress came up. Then when my wife died in an auto accident the gates flew open and Cding was a way to relaxs and unwind from the loss. I also got more involved in other activities that I enjoyed. Over the past two years I have come to accept the fact that I am a CD and have expressed it with a number of close friends.

Knowing the difficulty of many with unsupportive SO, I have looked and may have found someone who may be supportive and willing to be part of my life as a CD. But there has to be conversations and time for the issues of CDing to be experianced before I commit to a more permanent relationship.

Everyone has their own circumstances and will deal as they can so what works for one may not for others. But if I was giving advice it would be "be honest and forthcoming'.

Rambling now but wish everyone the best. Love Keli

[mylitta]

Can we ever, ever be 100% truthful with the ones we find to love?

Well we may not divulge all the facts, but surely, if you know someone enough to think of making a commitment, you know something about their beliefs and morality. If your future partner is from a fundamentalist religious background,or expresses homophobic or racist opinions, than you can hardly be surprised if she is not overwhelmed with joy on finding out you are a crossdresser.

If she is liberal and accepting of other people's differences, of course, it still may not mean that she wants to marry a crossdresser, but you do have more of a chance.

And there is also IMO a bit of a difference in not telling all the details of one's past, and concealing something that is an ongoing part of oneself- but that is maybe a subject for another thread.

[deja true]

...
And there is also IMO a bit of a difference in not telling all the details of one's past, and concealing something that is an ongoing part of oneself- but that is maybe a subject for another thread.

That's very true, mylitta, but I used those examples of past experiences hidden (baby, conviction) exactly because they are just the kind of serious things in the past that will eventually be revealed and affect a long time relationship in the future. So they are part of one's ongoing life really.

The little things can be changed with no great effort, even if just to preserve peace in the kingdom. But the big things need to be put out there from the very beginning.

Don't ever think that just because she was in a few pro-diversity marches in college or likes the look of Marilyn Manson, that she's gonna accept or even tolerate anything like that from her husband.

[Lainie]

WHY did you didn’t spot that your SO might not be open to your crossdressing before you even thought about marriage?


I CD'd a little as a pre-teen or early teen; again a couple of times in graduate school; thought about it--rarely--but didn't act in my 30s; tested the water sporadically in my 40s; really got into it only because of special circumstances that arouse about 50.

And so here I am, happily married for decades and up comes this new jones that I have to deal with long after choosing --we both agree--my mate for life.

[Lorileah]

...my wife died in an auto accident the gates flew open and Cding was a way to relaxs and unwind from the loss. I also got more involved in other activities that I enjoyed. Over the past two years I have come to accept the fact that I am a CD and have expressed it with a number of close friends.


Amazing how that works isn't it Kelli. An old saying is we grow too soon old and too late smart. Us old broads here offer advice from years of experience and history repeats itself over and over and over again.

Tamara said "My wife and I were talking just yesterday about this and at one point she said "we have never argued, we each know what is important to the other". Loving partners should be just that." I too had that kind of relationship. 27 years maybe 6 fights. We were more best friends (ok with benefits). But we knew each other enough t know when to push and when to let it go. Remember physical attraction wanes but inner beauty is forever.

Like I said before, the major problem is often when there is an explosion, where the CD decides one day to blatantly throw it all in someone's face. The natural reaction is to strike back and probably run. It is a survival mechanism. This would be mush stronger in a person who has built up over years a safe and comfortable home, what would they think? Preemptive information would save you and your SO this disaster. My wife knew of my proclivities but was alright with them as long as I didn't embarrass her in public. That was an easy caveat to follow. The more I read posts here I see that many more women allow us to be us with certain parameters. If we can all find that common ground our lives are so much easier. It is easier to instill these parameters early than it is to negotiate them later

[BekiJ]

I see myself in so many of these posts, especially Lainie’s. 35 years ago, it was not an issue, a once and a while thing. As I got older the urge got stronger. Fortunately, I would guess that I am on the lower end of the scale, satisfied with staying in a deep dark closet. I accept these limitations. For those with stronger urges, from wanting to go out and present as female to the point of GRS, I cannot imagine the stress and conflict of having a SO and needing to tell her.
Hugs
BekiJ

[tanya1976]

That's a very good question. In my case I would say that self acceptance has to come first and that wasn't there at the point when I met my first partner. In fact in my defense when I met my partner at that time I hadn't crossdressed in over two years so I wasn't even consciously thinking about it.
Obviously the urge did come back and then it became a problem. I didn't realise just how big a problem until later, although again it was still just one amongst many, when we eventually split.
Anyway now I'm always upfront, in a subtle way, with any prospective partners and so far I've found it works out better. What is interesting is why women have so many differing responses to crossdressing...

[Jaydee]

Thank you Sarah, this has been an interesting thread. I hope I am not too late in joining in.

When I was a young teen I was shy. I had urges to crossdress that I did not understand. I felt guilt and shame. As an older teenager, I did not date hardly at all in high school. (In fact I found out later that my dad was worried that I was gay).

Later, I found someone whom I fell in love with. We were married when I was 22, and have been married for 36 great years. At the time we married, I assumed that the "urges" would go away. And in fact they did for nearly ten years. I didn't tell her before marriage because I didn't think it would be a problem.

My wife is a sensitive and caring person. I would like to think that if it all came out that she would still love me as she does now, but the fear is with me all the time. So, to answer your question, in my case I felt fear and guilt before marriage and assumed my desires could be cured by marriage. I was wrong about that. I have only come to accept my self in the last couple of years. I don't know how long it would take her to accept it. I have been taking baby steps toward coming out, that so far have been met with tepid acceptance, but I hope for the best.

Jaydee

[Alana Lucerne]

I think I have to agree with Sarah. Marriage is hard enough that we should take the time to know our potential partners as well as we can before we get married. I think this applies to anything we hold important in our lives. If watching Nascar racing is the most important thing in our life we should know if our spouse loathes nascar racing and anyone who watches it. The same is true for cding. If it is important to you then you should have an inkling where your partner stands on an issue.

Alana

[Kelsy]

- I truly thought that when I

got married that this would finally stop - I prayed that it would stop - well

it did not stop - it only got worse - - I tried to be a good husband, but

these URGES/DESIRES/NEEDS would not leave me alone - I did not know

what to do or say - I was tormented and I could not out of fear talk to my

spouse about it because of fear that she would not understand and that she

would leave me and I did not know why I was this way - I did not choose to

be this way



I thought that this was some type of phase that marriage would cure.




JoAnne Wheeler

Thank you for this thread Sarah!!

I Identify with Joanne on so many points! Fear is a strong motivator. I was affraid of who I was and what exposure would mean. How could I have explained myself ??It has taken all of my life to reach self acceptance! :)

Kelsy

[Ralph]

People *think* they are in love or some crap like that when they get married, you know, on top of the world, lovey dovey...

Most mairriages last the duration of a fart.

People get married and THEN get to know each other and find out they are not all that in love after all...

Happens with all kinds of people.

That's because most people have been brought up to demand instant gratification and bail when things don't go perfectly right. They have their first fight over toilet seats and toothpaste caps, and suddenly it's time for a divorce.

Mrs. Ralph and I have stayed together over 20 years, and believe me, some of those years were pretty ugly. We both had a lot of growing up to do. Was it worth it? You bet your bloomers it was! If you cut and run at the first sign of not getting your way, you'll either spend your life very lonely or build up a mountain of divorces (and the accompanying alimony payments). When people learn to give more than they take, a marriage lasts.

One of the founding principles of our marriage was never to lie to one another. There's no such thing as a "little white lie"; you're either honest or you are lying. Obviously this means that there are questions it's not fair to ask, like "What are you getting me for my birthday", but we both know that we can totally trust each other in all things, large and small.

ralph

[Tora]

I guess I request the exemption: 59 years, married in 72, to a wonderful, caring-loving mother of our two grown children, grandparents. The hobby is something to be kept in the back-ground. There was not alot of information in 1970. I chose the overt macho route, military, manly heavy equipment operator, not a brawler, but tough persona. Posssibly to convince me. I consider myself to be a closeted, recreationional CD, for the past 20 years. I enjoy shopping, only get to be complete a couple of times a year. I have gone years between total transformation. The bride does allow matching delightful nightgowns, panties. Resists shaving. My main stash is offsite in a storage locker. The deception would be tough to justify and explain.

[Marilynn]

How many women marry men and then expect to change them? Few of us meet even our own ideals. There can't be many people over 40 who can't say "If I knew then what I know now" about something in their lives. Perfect honesty is the best policy, but it's also a rare commodity.

[sometimes_miss]

Two reasons. First, we think that we will be one of the few ones who are able to stop, so it won't matter whether our wives like it or not. Second, we live in eternal hope that should we not be able to stop crossdressing, ours will be the ones who, when presented with their husband 'en femme', will love it ( I do believe that there really are about 20 of those women who exist on the planet, and somewhere out there, there's still a single one just for me). Like winning the lottery, it isn't likely, but we all hope we will be one of the lucky ones.

[DeSkirt]

In my case I think I was way too trusting and somewhat oblivious to the fact that my wife (first wife) was not warming up to the idea of me cross dressing in front of her.

I told my first wife of my cross dressing before we were married. She got involved to some degree, bought me me some lingere and even dressed me up totally before we were married. As the years went on she disliked it more and more to the point of us becoming divorced (after 16 years).

I was trying to understand how much cross dressing I was going to do as well as how much this meant to me. I didn't get a chance to do much research before our marrage ended. I wish I could have been able to get on this site back then. I did not have a computer and/or access to the internet.

A few years after I was divorced I got re-married to a wonderful woman. I told her everything including the fact that my first marrage failed because of my cross dressing. She assured me that she did not have a problem with it. She and I had some fun with it. I asked her several times how she would feel if someone she new found out about it and she said It was none of her business.

I do not dress up very often. I do not shave my body or trim my eyebrows or paint my nails or do anything that can be seen after I undress. I was hoping now that we are empty nesters during the school year I would be able to dress around her in the privacy of our own house. I have no desire to go out in public because I cannot pass, not to mention I don't know Iif I would like that anyway.

Well so much for those thoughts and feelings. One of her friends called her and said that she heard a rumer that I was a cross dresser. After that she was all against it. She does not want anything to do with it or to see me dressed. Sometimes I feel like she said whatever she wanted before we were married not worrying about what she would ultiumatly do afterwards.

So now I am stuck because I really love this woman, but I never would have married her if I knew she was not supportive of my cross dressing.

So sometimes even when you do think you are getting your partrner to support your cross dressing, they change their mind and then you are faced with losing everything over it AGAIN! My cross dressing urges are not strong enough to get me to end my marriage, but just strong enough to SOMETIMES make me resentful and unhappy.

[JulieC]

I find it very, very sad when a wife knows all before marriage, agrees to marriage, and then later decides that the crossdressing is incompatible with being married.

Sure, people can change. Marriages have to adapt to change. But, their are fundamental points on which people have to adapt to the changes, rather than the marriage. It is completely unfair to the crossdressing husband to 100% accept, support, etc. and agree to marry and then turn around later and reject him over crossdressing.

[Malori Cross]

Ah....Ditto! I'm in exactly the same predicament--She knows, maybe even understands, but evidently doesn't want to see it.

Now my teenaged son is discovering her feminine side, which may be even stronger than mine, and I fear I will be "blamed" for this. Oy.

BTW--this is a terrific thread. Maybe a Sticky candidate.

[SuzyZahn]

I agree,,,alot with what Tamarav says,,,I too told my wife before marriage,,,was open and honest with her and I expected the same in return from her,,in which regards I believe I received,,,,to this day!!! 15 yrs plus of marriage,,,,SO stated that none of us are without faults,,,she knows i`m a good person,,husband,,father,,,provider,,,,fixer of things,,,and a best of friend!! She went on to say that as long as im not going to transition,,etc,,,,its not really `hurting` anybody and she can understand some of my feelings,,,,whata great wife!!!,,,,,Now its taken many years for her to finally look me eye to eye,,,when i`m Susan,,,but I never really pushed to hard,,,instead just taking small steps,,,,theses days,,shes treats me as another gal so to speak,,,i find that dressing conservatively around her,,as in what most women may generally wear helps in the acceptance aspect,,,,dressing `trashy` around her has a detrimental effect,,,,but as i`ve aged,,,dressing now for 40 plus years,,i find it more of a `peaceful state `,,`relaxing` state of being ,,,so much nicer than younger years when it seems eroticism was more to the forefront,,,and over the years ,,,experience has allowed me to develop my own true feminine look and personna ,,,and am now touching base with my other side 2-4 times a week, with the backing of a loving wife!!! Bottom line is,,,always show and tell your love and appreciation for your SO,,,as they are so important!!