I just have something to say....

[27th Jennifer]

I had a dream last night that I was walking through the campus of the University I attend, and I was wearing a very flattering skirt and top, with some very nice heels.

No one looked at me funny.
No one stared.
No one called me names.
I didn’t feel like I was less of a person.
I didn’t feel like a freak.
I was just being me.

I’m tired of feeling ashamed of who I am.
I am sick of feeling anxious that I’ll be outed.
I’m tired of not being myself out of fear of letting others know who I am.
I don’t want to be treated like there is something wrong with me.

I’m going to be myself.
If others can’t handle that, then I don’t want them in my life.
If I’m not true to myself, then I’ll be unhappy.
I want to be happy.
I can be one of two things:
1. Embarressed by who I am.
2. Proud of who I am.
I want to be proud.
I want to express myself in a way that I see fit.

I’m tired of assuming that everyone is going to be perceive me in ways that may not reflect what would actually happen.

My gender does not define me.
I define my gender.
It might be male one day.
It might be female the next.
It might be hard and gruff one morning.
It might be soft and pretty that afternoon.

I am not who others tell me I am.
I am what I feel that I am.

I am going to go forth and be myself, now. I no longer will let others define me as a person. I will be me. This will not be easy.
I will not always succeed.
It will be difficult, and I will not always be able to follow through.
But I will try.

Thanks for reading.
Ana

[Alana65]

Ana,

That is a beautiful, well-worded mantra, and I wish that I could say for certain that I would actually be able to follow it to the letter. I would love to, but I'm not that confident (yet)........maybe someday. :daydreaming:

[ChanDelle]

Nicely said Ana. Thanks!

ChanDelle

[Harlequin]

I think that's beautiful _ good luck honey :-)

[sarahdavids]

I'm literally in tears. I can honestly say that in my entire life, i've never read anything someone else wrote that felt like they looked into my mind and typed what they saw. Until now. Save for an utter lack of bravery on my part, this is me to a "T".

Beautiful and inspiring. Thank you so much.

[Kate Simmons]

Always nice to read that someone is not afraid to be themself. All any of us can do is give it our best shot. Good luck Ana.:)

[Angie G]

Good for you Ana We all need to be happy. I truly hope it works out good for you hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Celeste]

You are so encouraging,I liked your post and am tired of people looking and thinking solely "gender",it is whats inside us that defines us.Its about what I am inside that makes me individual in my approach.

[Teri Jean]

Anna that was exquisit and very well done. You are truely in tune to yourself and an encouragement to the rest of us. Thank you dear and huggs/love to you. Keli

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Turn that dream into REALITY

JoAnne Wheeler

[gennee]

I love the last two stanzas, Ana. This is what I have done also. Thank you for sharing and for who you are.

Gennee

:hugs:

[Marlena_Sparkles]

Beautifully said Ana. I agree with your thoughts. After quite some time,I'm there.:D

[vikki2020]

:thumbsup:That should be printed and distributed to all the local groups and passed out at the conventions!Let freedom ring, girls!!

[Jacquilynne]

. . . I’m going to be myself.
If others can’t handle that, then I don’t want them in my life.
If I’m not true to myself, then I’ll be unhappy.
I want to be happy.
I can be one of two things:
1. Embarressed by who I am.
2. Proud of who I am.
I want to be proud.
I want to express myself in a way that I see fit.

I’m tired of assuming that everyone is going to be perceive me in ways that may not reflect what would actually happen . . .


Ana,

An Interesting, well thought out and introspective post. This mantra is indeed reflective of the feelings that we sisters share. These feelings are heart-felt and run deep and I appreciate you for sharing.

However, the more I read the more I feel that our thoughts are so selfish . . . " I am going to be myself". Are we trying to satisfy our inner self at the expense of others' feelings and desires? I am struggling with guilt associated by this. As recently my wife took the kids and left me -- alone.

I want to be true to myself and my feminine feelings but I also love them dearly and do NOT feel that I can live with the line "if others can't handle that, then I don't want them in my life" I miss them sooooo much that it hurts. . . I am surrounded by all their things each day but yet they are not here -- the house is quiet! If living like this is being true to myself, then I am not sure I can handle it as I am unhappy.

My happiness is not found in myself I am happy when I can be around those that I love. I love my family and being apart just hurts. I feel so guilty as my selfishness -- feeding the desire to explore my feminine side to the exclusiveness of those I love -- has directly resulted in my losing them.

I am not embarrassed by who I am nor am I totally proud of who I feel I am either. I want to be loved rather than proud. I want to express myself by showing my family that I love them and not just myself.

I love my wife and kids and miss them dearly, they are a part of me and I am struggling to live without them -- I am not myself, I am unhappy indeed!

I want to be true to myself, I want to be true to my family. I love them more than I love myself and desire to tell them . . .

"I love you!"

[27th Jennifer]

Jacie
I understand where you are coming from, but what I wrote can be interpreted in different ways. You could look at it as not wanting people in your life who are not family, but acquaintances in one way or another. I'm not advocating being a selfish jerk about it, but recognizing it within yourself and no longer being ashamed.
People shouldn't feel ashamed for what they are.
That's my point.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I am me.
That does not mean I'll just do whatever I want. My wife deserves more respect than that. So I limit the things I do for her sake, and I'm OK with that. I just don't want to be treated like a freak by the rest of the world.
I don't want to be overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety telling me how I'll be perceived in the eyes of others.
I don't feel like I can be accepted, but a lot of that is I don't accept myself.
NO ONE WILL ACCEPT ME IF I DON'T ACCEPT MYSELF.
(I accidentally hit the caps lock key, didn't mean to yell)

Ana

[27th Jennifer]

Let me also add that this was written entirely from my own perspective. I am not advising anyone else to feel the same way that I do. I just felt the need to vent a little bit, and it felt good.

Ana

[27th Jennifer]

Well, it has been a few days since I decided to have a new outlook on my life. I think it is going well. I have generalized anxiety disorder, and being a CD only seems to complicate the matter. I feel different, though. Anxiety is still there, waiting to rear its ugly head, but I am keeping it at bay. I think it has caused me to lash out at my darling wife, and I have decided that I must put a stop to it. She knows about me, but her support level varies. I have stopped discussing it with her, because it makes her at least somewhat uncomfortable. I first mentioned it (confessed) when she was going through a stressful time in her life. It wasn't fair, but I selfishly had to say something. Our relationship has had some very tough times, much of which I can attribute to myself. Anxiety is hard to recognize sometimes, but it affects me on levels even I don't understand. I feel like I've reached a turning point, now, and I only hope that I can maintain control, (read: learn when to keep my damn fool mouth shut.) I will try to keep my head up and be proud of myself for a change. I can see a light at the end of my tunnel, and a happy relationship is the light. I think if we are happy, then CD'ing will be more accepted by her. I am going to take baby steps from now on. It was so easy, once "the cat was out of the bag" to just go overboard about CD-related things once I finally told someone, that I forgot about her feelings for awhile. Once I admitted to myself that I was a CD (even though I had done it off and on since I was a small child), and then admitted it to another human being, I was overwhelmed by needing to talk about it at any opportunity. This was not the biggest issue in our lives that was affecting us, but it most certainly did more harm than good to have it out in the open. Now I need to follow through on my statements about being proud of myself, and not to feel like I am less of a person. Perhaps the CD issue is not what truly gives my the feeling of a lack of self-worth, and is only a symbol of how I feel about myself. Eventually, I hope that a happy medium can be reached, where the needs of both of us can be satisfied with regard to my need to express my feminine side.
Through all of this, I have been my own worst enemy.

Thank you to everyone for the continued support. I am going to keep adding to this thread. Even if no one else reads it, the act of writing it down helps me a great deal. Maybe I'll even show it to my wife someday.

Ana

[Tal'Aura]

Jolan Tru,

Please forgive me for being blunt, but this sounds to me like you are crying for someone's approval or bless to you. I'm not implying this is wrong, just stating facts...

[27th Jennifer]

I'm just venting my feelings. It's hard to bring this stuff up with just anyone. I don't want to sound like I'm whining or anything, I just need to get it off my chest (so I can make room for two other things:battingeyelashes:) However, if I wasn't seeking some approval, I wouldn't be on this forum in the first place.

[JulieC]

However, if I wasn't seeking some approval, I wouldn't be on this forum in the first place.

Approval might not be what you always find here, but you always have our support.

[27th Jennifer]

Thanks Julie.
That's all I really need right now.