Transitioning Psychologically

[Niya W]

I was told once I take hormones my my mind set would change. That emotions would be different for me. That never really happened to me. Se I say I bit different because my mind got there before the hormones . Once I started cross dressing , that when I felt the emotions. Saw an emotional movie and I would cry. Having the ability to openly show empathy and compassion. In two years of being out in the community I went from feeling on only anger , rage and depression to the full range of emotions. Let me tell you that's damn hard to deal with. Its funny my subconscious made the decision to transition with out telling me :). I would do fem gestures with out thinking about it. I would do and say things that would give me away with out conscience thought.


Now here is the funny thing . My therapist said she didn't see me as TS because I did not talk about my penis with hate. For me that not what makes me a women. Its what in my mind.

[Elise.Matei]

Hi Niya. Awww. Sounds to me like your therapist is (very) old-school. Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought all that Freudian non-sense went out of vogue long ago.

I am not currently involved with hormone treatments but I have had extremely low testosterone levels for quite awhile for other reasons (no I'm not sick or anything - very healthy actually). With this, I have experienced gradual but significant breast development that seems to be on-going, and a very definitive shift towards feminine gender identification, which also seems to be on-going and increasing in intensity. So I would have to say I am very much transitioning - but maybe not in a potent or rapid manner as when you take hormone shots.

Even before this gender transition began though, when I was decidedly male, I always had a tendency to cry in a dark theater during an especially dramatic or tragic-romantic or inspirational scene. I'd have to bite my lip so hard it really hurt in order to control it and not embarrass myself. I'll never forget seeing Titanic with my former wife. I could just feel a hugely touching and tear-jerking scene coming up at the end. I had got so enthralled by that movie I literally could not control myslef and I knew it. While I hated to miss the end, I did the wise thing and pretended to have to go to the bathroom. I had a real hard time throughout the entire movie and just know Iwould have totally lost it and balled my eyes out if I would've stayed for the ending! Now of course, I enjoy crying when it's healthy like at a movie and don't care who knows about it.

[TerryTerri]

Niya,
I kind of thought the same thing. Once I got to the point where everything was okay for me to legitmately get hormones, I got impatient and got some myself (I live right on the Mexican Border, I literally went and got them during my lunch hour). Anyway, after taking them for one week I felt disappointed because it hadn't seemed like there were any changes. So, I stopped taking them. OMG after 2 days the difference was very noticable. To make a long story short, for me the emotional effects are profound, but subtle. I don't really realize the hormones are doing anything for my emotions. But, I've learned they really are. Once again it's subtle, but profound. When I think specifically about it I have NO DOUBT I am happier in my daily moods. I've never been a person who's quick to anger. But, I notice a definite mellowing and much less prone to quick anger anyway. However, the BIG thing, and a transgender root emotion is that while taking hormones I feel more complete and less fractured. Previously, on the rare occasion that I would be able to get 'doll'ed up and relax in femme, the transgender payoff is a more complete, less fractured feeling inside. Now, on hormones, I have that without having to be in femme. It presents, to me, a kind of oxymoronic situation. While taking hormones, I am feeling happier, more whole and I no longer feel like I need hormones. However, it's taking the hormones that gives me that feeling. So, if I stopped taking them, I'd feel fractured again and feeling like I needed them again. Kind of funny I think.
Anyway, I was on illegitimate hormones for 3 weeks. The regime that the doctor put me on is very similar to what I was already taking. I've been on legitimate hormones for about 3 weeks now. Besides slightly sore boobies, I haven't noticed any physical effects yet, except for dryer skin.
Anyway, that's my experience with all this.

[Lisa Golightly]

Erm... Do you not get the crying for no reason? The occasional total emotional meltdown with absolute floods of tears? The overpowering need to be hugged and desire to just lie there safe? Oh... how about the constant worrying that everyone is ok which drives them up the wall? Awwwwwww... Is it just me then? Personally I'd say on a scale of one to ten pre-hormones I was a 5-6 now I'm an 8-9... Not that I'm complaining I kind of like the way I am except the odd emotional meltdown... my 'hormone quake' as I called it... Only had the one and that was enough thank you. :)

As for the thing... thing. Well I kind of viewed it with sadness more than loathing... We just never hit it off... symbolic of all I was denied in life and it was just so not me... bit of a loveless marriage really.

Awwww... it's half an hour after I wrote the lines above and I'm in tears... *sniff* Just missing someone... and I'm a soggy wreck... *sniff*

[Elise.Matei]

Awww Lisa... it's late and I am so feeling that same lonliness this moment. Weekends are the hardest for me, when away from work. That's when I can cross dress all day and night and be who I am, which feels good and when I am happiest, but oddly, that's also when I can also feel the loneliest. With tears in eyes... reaching out with hugs for you.



All day
Staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night
Hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a
Breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Me
Talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know
I know they've all been talking 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong
With me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow
I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be



Unwell ~ Matchbox Twenty

[Lisa Golightly]

*Passes the box of tissues to Elise.Matei* Awwwww... Thank you for the hug *sniff* :)

[Elise.Matei]

*sniff* Awww thank you, I'm *sniff* feeling much better now :)

*Elise passes the tissue box back to Lisa and they find solace and heartfelt support by giving each other one more long hug*

*Holding hands they fall asleep on the couch with the TV on... but now dreaming happy instead of sad things...*

(i can't think straight anymore.... g'nite & thank u, sincerely)

[Niya W]

Now you two have got me crying. Looks for box of tissues. Well the only odd thing that happened was my father said some thing to me and I just got totally upset and went upstairs and cried for an hour .

[Lisa Golightly]

*Passes Niya the box of dwindling tissues* There you are Angel *sniff* :)

[Carole Cross]

I am not on hormones yet but I still cry for no reason. I woke up this morning in tears and reading these posts has set me off again. I have just been an emptional wreck lover the last few months. :sad:

[Lisa Golightly]

Oh dear... Sorry everyone... My sniffles have started a cascade... oooops *Passes last ofthe tissues to Carole* There you are Angel :) x

[Diane24]

Sheeesh! My therapist never said anything or asked about my "former appendage!" I always wished it wasn't there from an early age. . . right after my cousin Nancy and I played "Doctor" around the age of 5.
I remember that I always cried a lot growing up. But, the emotional swings after starting HRT were earth shattering! I've leveled out some over the past years and only cry during movies, TV shows, close games (any kind!), cute babies, cute puppies... well, you get the idea. What's really wonderful is that I enjoy being emotional and most of all, being a woman!

[GypsyKaren]

I never had the "penis talk" with my therapists because I figured it was pretty obvious that I didn't exactly care for the damn thing, and there were more important things that I did want to discuss.

Karen :g2:

[TxKimberly]

I think your therapist needs a therapist . . .

I agree with you, the mind is what counts here, not the penis

[Niya W]

There was a school of thought that you ha d to be with a man and want it cut off or you were not consider a TS, just a ******* freak. Thank god that most therapist do not subscribe to that any more . Not having the penis hat thing was a road block for my therapist , but I was already self medicating.. I mean How much more do I need to say other than I dont have use for it it never brought me pleasure. She was also concerned that I was not out meeting other trans folks. I Was like WTF. Lady I know more trans people than you do.


Hands Lisa a bill for tissues. The puff kind with lotion in it :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

FIRST OFF OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!....i missed the crying party!!!!! i have lots of those, so i have extra tissues if you need it!!!...call me next time....!!

also i was always a movie crier...i remember a time where i burst out crying at the movies and my wife slapped me and told me to stop....heh

sometimes i know its for good reason, and it can get me down, but what i've found is sometimes its nothing, and i'm not experienced enough to know the difference sometimes...
a thought comes in my head and next thing i know i'm curled up under my covers or taking a bath and crying about it minutes later....actually usually its sobbing....but hey its just unconsolable sobbing...then i'm fine..

I'm getting used to it though and sometimes now i can at least slow it down but usually all i do is delay it....also i'm starting to feel like i do get something like a 2 minute warning that a crying jag is gonna start....does that happen to anyone else?


back to the original post
Niya...i don't hate my penis...i'm ambivalent about it...lots of girls do hate it though, and some to the point of self mutilation...

how knowledgeable is your therapist? lots of tg patients??
i mean that's a pretty strong and broad statement to make and if your therapist knows you view yourself as a tswoman, then its an even stronger statement...did you challenge him/her on the statement, was there a further discussion on it?

my first therapist told me that i could just will myself to be happy and in effect i was "obviously not a woman", my thinking was "childish and fantastical" that in practice I was "too old" and "would never be able to" live as a woman.....she compared me to someone that is paralyzed and "wished" they could walk again....if that person could live a happy and fulfilling life then why couldnt i...i said...bye! :Angry3:

As an aside, at that point i had talked to a couple folks about me, but one of them said..."oh...so now you are going therapist shopping to get the answer you want".....cant win

[Niya W]

When said that she saw me more as Cd, I shot back. I said look I've suffered from self esteem issues . Had other neurological problems and cursed the body I have . I've since learn that hating any part of my body does me no good. I'm focused on my goal and my penis is just a little thing . Why is that so important. I did survive depression and suicidal thoughts over how my body functions just to let my penis toss me back into that mind set

[Sharon]

I guess I'm the only tranny in the world who has the same set of emotions I have always had. I mean, I'm happier now than I have ever been, and much more at peace with myself, but I still shed the same dumb tears over the same dumb things as I always have. I guess I just wasn't that good at "man-ing" up back then. :strugglin

And I also don't believe I ever had an "I hate my penis" dicussion with my therapist, though we did spend more than a small amount of time talking about why I didn't want it and wanted to have other parts that I didn't have.

[Niya W]

I guess I'm the only tranny in the world who has the same set of emotions I have always had.

Well mine was repressed. At 16 I would act feme but quickly learned I had to stuff those feelings away. But I'm am different . I had few other issues once I learn to accept those . Being trans was easy. I was look give me my damn hormones so I can get on with my life . I'm not crazzy, i'am not messed up, i'am not implosive. I'm a normal trans women .

[Karen564]

I guess I'm the only tranny in the world who has the same set of emotions I have always had. I mean, I'm happier now than I have ever been, and much more at peace with myself, but I still shed the same dumb tears over the same dumb things as I always have. I guess I just wasn't that good at "man-ing" up back then. :strugglin
.

Sharon, I can assure you that your not alone, I have always been the same emotionally even before hormones, but maybe just a tad more this past year, because I cried when I broke a nail, and cried when my daughter told me I was a man & not a girl.:sad:
I do get very emotional over many movies if certain scenes touch certain emotions or memories that just get the tears flowing like a river, (OMG, Titanic, I'm a total reck) but mostly scenes where a person & especially any child or animal, is dying or terminal, or it could be as simple as an joyful happy or cute scene, or wedding, I cried uncontrollably when I saw my daughters puppy for the 1st time, because I immediately fast forwarded his whole life to his death in a split second on the spot, (he's still fine and so adorable, 3 years old now) and named after the children's book Biscuit, & he's a Cocker Spaniel. but it brought back memories of past pets that are now gone, but when Biscuits time comes someday, hopefully many, many years from now, I will be a total reck..:sad:
I cry whenever I see any ER or ICU hospital scene, because it still brings back the memories of my Father clear as day after he slipped on ice & snapped his brain stem, and we had to pull life support, I stayed & held his hand until he was gone, just me & him in the room alone, and cried for a week straight after that, and it still makes me cry to this day just typing this, & that happened 20 years ago this past january...:sad:
I cried listening to my Mom read a touching B-Day card I gave her last week, so just simple things set me off, but I've done this my whole life, But I was never a whiney child either, I wasn't like some kids that cried because they wanted some toy or candy, those kids I just thought were cry babies that didn't get their way.
When I was married and the wife & I would watch a movie, and I started to cry, she'd just look at me & say, "Oh,Pleeeease, he's at it again" and I would tell her, I just can't help it, & how could you Not cry about that?, do you have ice water in your veins?, she had totally different emotions but definitely much colder than me..
My Mom told me that my Father used to tear up on certain movies too, but I rarely saw him do it, but I had seen it on occasion, my Mom is also very emotional, so I got double whammied with emotion genes I guess..LOL
Sorry, I didn't intend to make this so long..

btw,Lisa, is there any tissues left ??:sad:

[Lisa Golightly]

I had to go out for two boxes... and wine... though I'm not meant to drink *sniff* So... *opens box and places it in the centre of everyone* help yourself... This other box is just for me :(

[Carole Cross]

*sniff* thanks lisa *reaches over and takes a couple of tissues* :cry:

[Karen564]

Thanks Lisa :hugs: I think those tissues are going to disappear fast..