April Simmons
03-24-2009, 05:53 PM
I had been looking forward to last Friday night since I had not dressed for over two weeks. I had bought a new outfit, white lace top, lavender sweater and floral skirt. Unfortunately our early spring weather had turned cold again so I had to substitute my black girl jeans for the skirt.
It was the last episode of Battlestar Galactica and I was going to join Melissa and her great son and daughter for the two hour finale then go out dressed for coffee. I made it early and even drove my frost blue Corvette.
I changed a Melissa’s and had a great time watching the show, didn’t really like the ending though. Melissa and I then went out for coffee in the Vette and had a two hour chat about our lives and gender issues.
As it was so late I decided to drive home en femme, my SO knew I went out (even had permission to go out for coffee as April) but would be long asleep by the time I got home. I would go through the garage and into the downstairs washroom where I could shower and change.
I park the Vette, making sure there were no lights on at the neighbors and zipped fast fast as my heels would allow into the garage but the door from the garage to the basement had been thoughtfully locked by my wife! No problem I guess I can go in the front door, where did I put my keys….then it hits me. I had left my house keys in my guy jacket which I had left at Melissa’s.
Oh noes….no choice but to call wife on the cell phone and request that she open the door. "Honey I forgot my keys can you open the door and uh don’t open it just unlock it I still have some makeup on.”
Door is unlocked and I get cleaned up and changed. SO is still up reading, we have to talk she says. That is not good, guy or gal those words always mean trouble. She tells me she was on the computer, I had told her earlier there were photos of me on my passworded portion of the home computer, and she had “accidentally” seen my Detroit photos. My heart sank, the photos are mostly me posing but they include me getting a makeover at the MAC store and at GiGi’s. It was obvious what I had been up to,totally busted.
She knows I dress and she had reluctantly allowed me to begin going out but as you know I had already started. I had lied to her and I take full responsibility and felt bad about it even before I was found out. She was perhaps even more upset about the risks she saw me as taking than the lies. I could not have felt worse, I had hurt her and no amount of apologies would change that fact.
That night I went to sleep thinking that it was all over, we you never be a couple again, she would never trust me and that worse of all I had lost my best friend. It was the beginning of the end. The next day I tried to stay busy and put on a normal face for the children (my SO is a lot better at that than I am, is it a woman thing?). I took down the Christmas light, at one point our roof is three stories up, normally I am not good with heights and this annual ritual scares me. This year I was unconcerned in fact falling to my death seemed like a more positive outcome.
The next day was better, we had a long talk, held each other. The next day more talking, she does most of it, I still find it hard to talk about my feelings and desires, oh and there was lots of crying. I finally came out and said what I had been fearing since I had seriously started dressing last Nov, that I was perhaps transsexual and that what I really wanted was to be a woman. I can hardly write it let alone talk about it.
My wife has been great, she sees the pain I am in but I can also see in her eyes that I have killed the husband she thought she knew. It is so paradoxical, her compassion only makes me love her more and she is even more beautiful in my eyes, but despite our closeness I want to be the feminine one.
I don’t know if that is the right path for me yet, becoming a woman seems so right but the idea of transitioning scares me to death. I am afraid it would hurt wife and children so much, that it is impractical, that I am too old that I condemn us to poverty. I could go on and on. But I also know that if the circumstances were different I would want to begin the journey today!
I have already made an appointment with a counselor for next month and hope they can refer me to a gender specialist. I took that COAGIATI Gender Test on line and I am in the fourth classification, I know free tests are worth what you pay for them. I don’t know what my future will be but I know I have to find out more about who I am and what I want.
Thanks for listening girls.
April
It was the last episode of Battlestar Galactica and I was going to join Melissa and her great son and daughter for the two hour finale then go out dressed for coffee. I made it early and even drove my frost blue Corvette.
I changed a Melissa’s and had a great time watching the show, didn’t really like the ending though. Melissa and I then went out for coffee in the Vette and had a two hour chat about our lives and gender issues.
As it was so late I decided to drive home en femme, my SO knew I went out (even had permission to go out for coffee as April) but would be long asleep by the time I got home. I would go through the garage and into the downstairs washroom where I could shower and change.
I park the Vette, making sure there were no lights on at the neighbors and zipped fast fast as my heels would allow into the garage but the door from the garage to the basement had been thoughtfully locked by my wife! No problem I guess I can go in the front door, where did I put my keys….then it hits me. I had left my house keys in my guy jacket which I had left at Melissa’s.
Oh noes….no choice but to call wife on the cell phone and request that she open the door. "Honey I forgot my keys can you open the door and uh don’t open it just unlock it I still have some makeup on.”
Door is unlocked and I get cleaned up and changed. SO is still up reading, we have to talk she says. That is not good, guy or gal those words always mean trouble. She tells me she was on the computer, I had told her earlier there were photos of me on my passworded portion of the home computer, and she had “accidentally” seen my Detroit photos. My heart sank, the photos are mostly me posing but they include me getting a makeover at the MAC store and at GiGi’s. It was obvious what I had been up to,totally busted.
She knows I dress and she had reluctantly allowed me to begin going out but as you know I had already started. I had lied to her and I take full responsibility and felt bad about it even before I was found out. She was perhaps even more upset about the risks she saw me as taking than the lies. I could not have felt worse, I had hurt her and no amount of apologies would change that fact.
That night I went to sleep thinking that it was all over, we you never be a couple again, she would never trust me and that worse of all I had lost my best friend. It was the beginning of the end. The next day I tried to stay busy and put on a normal face for the children (my SO is a lot better at that than I am, is it a woman thing?). I took down the Christmas light, at one point our roof is three stories up, normally I am not good with heights and this annual ritual scares me. This year I was unconcerned in fact falling to my death seemed like a more positive outcome.
The next day was better, we had a long talk, held each other. The next day more talking, she does most of it, I still find it hard to talk about my feelings and desires, oh and there was lots of crying. I finally came out and said what I had been fearing since I had seriously started dressing last Nov, that I was perhaps transsexual and that what I really wanted was to be a woman. I can hardly write it let alone talk about it.
My wife has been great, she sees the pain I am in but I can also see in her eyes that I have killed the husband she thought she knew. It is so paradoxical, her compassion only makes me love her more and she is even more beautiful in my eyes, but despite our closeness I want to be the feminine one.
I don’t know if that is the right path for me yet, becoming a woman seems so right but the idea of transitioning scares me to death. I am afraid it would hurt wife and children so much, that it is impractical, that I am too old that I condemn us to poverty. I could go on and on. But I also know that if the circumstances were different I would want to begin the journey today!
I have already made an appointment with a counselor for next month and hope they can refer me to a gender specialist. I took that COAGIATI Gender Test on line and I am in the fourth classification, I know free tests are worth what you pay for them. I don’t know what my future will be but I know I have to find out more about who I am and what I want.
Thanks for listening girls.
April