What am I doing?

[Daniel1977]

I feel like I should introduce myself here to all you others on this journey. I am 31 year old single nothing holding me back, and not what I appear to be.

My very first memories I really did think I was a girl, I hadn’t realised the huge mistake there was, I could stuff my part back up and that was what I thought we all could do. It wasn’t till my sister was born that I figured it out. I would have been about 3, I could talk pretty good but I remember not understanding much of what was going on ‘just learning’ at some point I figured out what girl meant and told someone “I’m a Girl” and was shamed for it. My parents talked a few times since about this and how the first time I ever seen my sister, I tried to take her cloths off, I would have been 4 or close to it. I never told them I was trying to prove I was a girl; I wanted to say “see she’s a girl, I’m a girl”

Through my younger teen years I was super shy and scared of ridicule. I tried to convince the odd person or make them notice the problem I was in. I one time was offered girls cloth “You could wear this stuff haha” to wear as mine had gotten soaked , I took them into the bathroom and just looked at them and thought about my boy parts, how I hated what I was born with it just wasn’t right, a minute later a bang on the bathroom door by my aunty, there was no understanding just shame, I gave them back. It was another time the mother of a friend had some nice cloths, I had gone into her closet and she came in and found me, we had a chat and the offer was made to dress and be a girl at her place when ever I wanted. The only time I got real support and I turned it down out of shame and the possibility of being humiliated. I never felt like a guy inside, I just feel like a girl in a guys body, a girl in a guys body in girls cloths feels just messed up.

I have told my parents a few times, it never goes well and ends with me marginalizing the problem to nothing, to this day my mom asks me why I never have a girlfriend.

I have not gotten any support in years till recently, I have hidden it from everyone for the most part for all my life but these last few years are different. My longest closest friends seem to treat it with smiles and good humour; I think a few figured it out years ago.

I have an appointment with my GP and this will be the second time Im telling him about this, only this time, no more anti-depress-this-anxiety-that, I’m not leaving without a referral to physiatrist with experience in this field, I’m starting the journey. Wish me luck.

Cheers
Daniel

[Zenith]

Good luck...talk to us for support...:hugs:

[Kayla Shadows]

Good luck :hugs: :)

I understand a lot of what you said.Im 31 and couldnt understand why it was wrong to wear girl clothes when I was like 3 or 4.I didnt want to be a boy.I wanted to do girl things.Until Feb. 2008 I was never allowed to just be the person I am.That changed with someone who,right now,is a great friend of mine (thank you :) ).I never thought there was somebody like her out there.I didnt know anything.My dressing was never sexual,I thought it was just crossdressing but,I put together that it was something more.I think I always knew but grew into the mask I had to wear.

[Sharon]

Any support you ever want, Daniel, most of us are here for you. We have been through many of the same things you have, and even with those that we haven't we still understand the angst you have felt.

And if you would like to join Safe Haven, the link of which you will see on the main page just below this section and Body Issues (once you have ten posts), feel free to apply. No matter what, I look forward to reading more of what you have to write.

[GypsyKaren]

Daniel, your story is the same as most of ours, remember that we are always here for each other, and that includes you.

Karen :g2:

[Daniel1977]

Thank you all so much,

Now I don’t know what to say,, I have a bazillion questions. But mostly these days I think about my life and how much time I’ve spent not doing the things I’ve wanted because of what society says. Few days ago I wanted seat covers for my truck but the only ones I really liked where pink with hearts on them, I got this instant sense of longing for all that I wanted and could have if not for the compromising done for society norm sake. I didn’t even get them, I should have I really should have. I’m going back there next week and buying whatever I like.

[BrittneySmith]

Daniel,

I can realte to everything that you are saying. I am 31 and unattached, etc.. and have just reached the same conclusion that you have. Please, please, please find a therapist that specializes in TG issues, it will be the best thing that you can do. You need someone to talk to and that can help you make sense of all of the feelings and emotions that you are going through. If you want more info please let any of us know.

Brittney

[Eileen]

Daniel by all means see a therapist, who specializes in trans gender identity matters. This will be necessary if you plan to continue your journey and eventually transition. A therapist will not tell you what to do, but will help you gather your emotions and thoughts.

Eileen

[Byanca]

Good luck, we are the same age :)

[sailcruisn]

I am sure you aren't the only one with those kind of experiences since I have had them all and I am 10 years younger. My family always harasses me about not having a girlfriend too. I brought the transgender idea up once kinda sorta and nothing nodda has been said since.

I honestly didn't know what to think when they said that they would disown me (when I was 16-17). What really rehashed my thoughts though were when during this last year I brought up getting my italian citizenship and that went over equally as bad if not worse with disowning. Plus I later learned that they were the ones to file a police report on me at one point and recently they made some comments that scared me and reminded me of that point.( I did get my record cleared though after a while). So bitter feelings just keep piling up and I want to go on my own way.

Right now there are 2 major things holding me back still. I am dependent on my parents for health care and funding for college(I pay all other living expenses with loans now) and then I have a couple of friends that I will try and distance myself from as I know that they would make my life a living hell.

[morgan pure]

Pink seat covers with hearts for your truck! You're a lost cause, Miss Daniel. Don't feel as though you have to tell everyone. You are so lucky to have found someone once who didn't care. I've always found women-especially young ones- more accepting, maybe because they understand that being a girl is better and who would not want to? They're happy being girls and undersatand why we want to.

As for being femme around people. If you find the local gay community, they are much much more liberal than everyone else in your town. It's true that there are gay snobs, but they don't care if you have pink seat covers. I have many gay friends and they are more supportive than my straight ones-but also more fickle-like girls. You don't have to sleep with them (but you can).

Get out of the house. Find a gay bar that has a drag night. The queens don't care if you're a real trannie. They make fun of your clothes, but it won't be vicious. I used to go to Pyramid in the 90's and I was the only trannie. The bartender was Wendy Wild (God bless her soul)- she would never let me pay for a drink.

M

[Victoria Anne]

Daniel I as many here understand and have been through much the same and as has been said already , see a therapist who understands , has experience with transgenderism. We are all here for one another, hang in there.

[TxKimberly]

Well Daniel, sounds to me like your in the right place here!
Welcome welcome welcome. Make yourself comfortable and stick around a bit!