My wife was going to find out sooner or later...

[carson]

Well Girls,

I've only joined recently. I've learned a lot. And I've been slooowly building the courage to tell my wife I crossdress. She would be the first person I've ever told (I'm a serious closet case!) So get this. I order some skirts online. I always use a private mailbox for deliveries, but of course they need the billing address (home naturally) which goes with the credit card. Never any problems. Except last week. My wife happens to also place an order from the same store for herself, to be delivered straight to our house (she's not hiding anything.) And of course her credit card billing address is the same as mine. Well, a few days after we each placed our orders, my wife was out of town on business and was eager to know the status of her order. Trouble was, she didn't have her order number with her. "No problem!" She was told by the ever so young and helpful customer service rep. "We can look it up by your billing address!" Now, let me step back a moment and ask you. Have you ever watched an accident while it was occuring and you just couldn't take your eyes off it? Well, you're watching one now. Okay, back to the story. So, our ever so young and helpful customer service rep. tells my wife she sees an order for our address in my name. Oh, oh. Now, my wife and I are about to be going away on a little anniversary trip, so my wife says to the CSR. "That little devil, he must be ordering some clothes for me for our trip!" In the words of Phil Rizzutto, "Holy cow, I think he's going to make it!" NOT! As incredible as it sounds, (and this is all from an intel dump from my wife) our ever so young and helpful customer service rep. ACTUALLY ASKED MY WIFE IF SHE'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I'D ORDERED!!!
Ok, so now we have sizes AND styles my wife doesn't wear. Oh, shit. Well, when my wife (in an extremely despondent and intoxicated state) confronted me, she asked me: A) Had the store made a ridiculous mistake? B) Was I having an affair? C) Was I a crossdresser?

I knew I wasn't going to try to lie to her. But I sure wasn't ready for this conversation. The "conversation" has gone on (badly) for 72hrs. now. She's always been a level-headed, open-mined person. She's always said, "I'll support you no matter what." But God, she's devastated. And I feel like shit. For her and me. :cry: :cry:

If anybody has any bright ideas I'd love to here them ASAP!

[Stephanie Brooks]

<sigh>

No bright ideas from me as my marriage is on the rocks from my crossdressing. All I can offer is just *BIG WARM HUGGLES*.

[CharleneCD]

Here is something that might help. I got it off the Tri-ess website. This was in the section for support for SO's. There is other stuff there you might want to look at and share with your wife. Best of wishes and good luck to you both in working this out.]

CARROL’S GUIDE TO RESOLVING CONFLICT BETWEEN PARTNERS

T-GIRL CLASS 101 LIFE STYLE TIPS BY CARROL ANNE

GIRLS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER????

CARROL’S GUIDE TO RESOLVING CONFLICT BETWEEN PARTNERS

(Although written by a CD, there are a lot of helpful hints here)

Conflict by nature is difficult. And yet conflict is a normal, natural aspect of any relationship. In fact, conflict handled well is healthy and can improve, even add to a relationship, leaving both of you feeling heard and understood. It is only when people handle conflict poorly that the relationship gets in trouble. How you handle conflict and what you do with the information learned during the conflict is directly related to the overall quality of your relationships.

If you approach conflict by becoming defensive, not listening, or intentionally inflicting hurt upon your partner, the conflict will go unresolved. Nor will you be supporting your relationship. Rather, you will be creating more conflict and resentment. A much more productive and healing way to handle conflict is to communicate, listen to and hear one another. Colin Powel should try this the next time he goes to Israel.

One powerful way to do this is through what I call "recreating." By this I mean actively listening and verbally reenacting each other's emotional experience. This way you communicate to each other that there is a deep understanding of how both of you are being affected. So in summary stop thinking like a man, your one of the girls now.

In order to understand where your partners coming from you have to stand in their shoes. And since we are T-girls we can!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the process, you create more closeness and trust in the relationship.

Here is a step-by-step guide of how to "recreate" your partner's thoughts and feelings:

1. Listen to what your partner is saying. Do not think about other things as he/she is speaking. Focus on how your partner must be feeling or has felt throughout this conflict between you.

2. Do not interrupt or defend yourself. Whether the event is your fault or not isn't the point at the moment. What matters is that your partner is in pain and needs your full attention.

3. When your partner is done speaking, "recreate" his/her thoughts and feelings. Verbally reenact your partner's experience as you understand it. Verbalize what you are sensing behind the words. Verbalize what it must feel like to be in the position your partner finds him/herself in. This is not an admission that you have done something wrong. It is simply a way to recognize and validate your partner's feelings.

4. Continue to "recreate" until the anger or pain subsides and tears or a smile appear. When someone is listened to in this way, anger and pain diminish without returning later as resentment. Tears or a smile are a signal that you have been successful at recreating.

5. Go though the above steps as many times as needed until your partner feels complete. Sometimes additional anger or pain will come up in the process. Let your partner, not you, decide when the process is over.

6. Now it's your turn. Ask your partner if it would be ok if you shared how you feel and if you could also be "recreated".

7. Now that you are no longer in conflict, talk about what happened. Discuss the facts of the event. Create a way that the situation can be handled differently next time.

Do the above steps seem difficult, if not impossible? This process indeed takes a tremendous amount of patience, self-control and compassion. People pay shrinks a lot of money for this procedure. You're getting it free so do it. The rewards are well worth the effort.

By addressing conflict in a mature, empathetic way as these steps have outlined, you will unquestionably create a secure environment for your relationship to grow and blossom.

CARROL ANNE

[carson]

Well, at least someone's thinking of me. Sorry your marriage is in the shitter. Why can't everyone just learn to play nice? BTW. Like your new pic...Lands End? Kinda looks like who I picture myself to be...sigh.
Thanks again, Carson

[Wendy me]

well al i can say is don't get all like one sided rember this is something that was hidden from her and give her time and space ...be ready to answer any questions she might have... and don't forget to remind her that you love her....good luck ...my wife knows but is less than supportive of my cding.....

[Tristen Cox]

I'm not sure at what stage of the fight you are at so I will try to just give a little sound advice if you haven't done so yet(although you probably have). Come clean with her, right from where it all began. Have that sit down thing and try to get her to listen, and then take the time to listen back. Tell her it is more important than anything else right now that you tell her the truth and are not hiding anything else. That you have not changed, and that you do regret not having told her before about this. Be truthful and sincere. This is all you can do. You must except that once you lay it all down it is up to her to try and accept or reject this. Take things slow and think while you are speaking to her, chose your words the best you can. This is the important barrier to get past. I am sure I am repeating some of what you have already heard. In any case, good luck to you. Give her time to let this settle in, it won't just happen over night.

[Jenny Beth]

Well first of all let the smoke clear, she is going though things she has never had to deal with. Eventually, assuming she wants to hear it, you are going to have to be honest about your reasons for crossdressing, there is no point trying to hide anything now as it will only make matters worse. If I have any advice it's to try not to be confrontational about this with her, listen to what she has to say and above all she has to know you still love her. I wish you luck.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Well, at least someone's thinking of me. Sorry your marriage is in the shitter. Why can't everyone just learn to play nice? BTW. Like your new pic...Lands End? Kinda looks like who I picture myself to be...sigh.
Thanks again, Carson
On playing nice, to some women our CDing side is a threat to their femininity, so the proverbial dice are sometimes loaded against us.

There is the other side too, that your wife didn't learn about your crossdressing in a decent way. While even under the best circumstances things can go badly, a surprise such as she experienced is worse. There's nothing like having Wendy getting to the heart of the situation.

On the pic, it's Chadwicks. Just rec'd the dress the other day. Oh it's delicious. ^_^

[Tristen Cox]

Steph's right about there seeming a threat. Also you have to concider she may see you as 'less of a manly man' or even ask that age old question "are you gay". This changes the 'image' of the partner(IE crossdrsesing). Where we see more freedom of expression, they tend to see changes away from the perspective that they laid down as a foundation of how they know you. This may or may not be the case but something to be aware of nonetheless.

[Dixie Darling]

I'm new to this particular forum, (but DEFINITELY not new to crossdressing by any stretch of one's imagination) so I'm not sure what the rules are here about posting URLs directly. And since I'm not sure about it I'll refrain from doing so until I find that it's OK with the moderators.

In the mean time, assuming that your wife is a computer user and is familiar with navigating around the net, let me offer you the information on my web site. I think you can click on my profile and then access it from there. The site is especially for the heterosexual crossdresser and it's clean from both a picture and text perspective. There's a ton of information there that could be of benefit to both you as well as your wife. In fact, a lot of it is specifically FOR wives and girlfriends. If she'll take the time to read some of it there's a good chance that she might want to discuss it (civilly) some more with you. The MAIN THING is to keep the communication going and don't just let it come to a sudden stop (i.e. a 'cold war') betweeen the two of you.

Hope this helps and I'd appreciate it if you would let me know if it does.

Dixie

[carson]

Wow, thanks all!

This really does help. You've all given me some good feedback. I may PM you individually on some specifics, but as a group, THANK YOU! :bow:

[Deborah757]

My wife found out the same about 17 years ago through somewhat different circumstances. Her immediate thought was that I was having an affair. Although it was difficult I finally had to admit that what she had found was mine. While that experience was not pleasant, I think it was much better in her mind than if I was having an affair. Maybe a GG can chime in but I think that any explanation other than an affair can be dealt with and lived with, even if with difficultly. An affair on the other hand may just be unforgivable.

[mariej]

I know this isn't going to really help but it might make you smile for a second amongst your anguish but when I told my wife she said "At least it's better than being a serial killer"
Hope you find the way.
L&P
Mariej
xxx
PS That is true!!!!

[veronica]

:confused:
well let's see...
first we will order from the same place as our lovely wife
second let's use same billing address
third of course we will use credit card (easier to trace you know)

now as everyone knows if a customer service rep. is helpful=young


:cry: who's at fault?

:strugglin

[Tristen Cox]

I'm new to this particular forum, (but DEFINITELY not new to crossdressing by any stretch of one's imagination) so I'm not sure what the rules are here about posting URLs directly. And since I'm not sure about it I'll refrain from doing so until I find that it's OK with the moderators.


URLs are just fine, as long as it's not trying to sell items her to beef up business. Posting a link to your own website can be done in a post or in your signature. :)

[eileen1969]

change for you as well for her! either this may be good or bad for the both of you! Good is twice as bette! pray for the good and expect the worst! Bottem line! do not ever by all means expect anyone person to be in your shoes or walk your path of life! No one person can ever do this but you! I do hope that this does work out for you girl! if your wife is as open and loving as you say! it may not be as hard! for a lot it is though my freind! take care Ronxxx69dotcom ;) :) :thumbsup:

[carson]

Gee Veronica,
Thanks for that witty and sarcastic reply. Your insight certainly helped my situation. I guess my downfall must have been my naivete and lack of experience in doing things behind my wife's back. Maybe you could give me some pointers on lying to my wife and being deceitful with credit card billing addresses. Sounds like you've had a lot more experience than me. :loser:

Kisses,

Carson

[uknowhoo]

My hopes and prayers are with you and your wife. Good luck working it out.

[veronica]

Gee Veronica,
Thanks for that witty and sarcastic reply. Your insight certainly helped my situation. I guess my downfall must have been my naivete and lack of experience in doing things behind my wife's back. Maybe you could give me some pointers on lying to my wife and being deceitful with credit card billing addresses. Sounds like you've had a lot more experience than me. :loser:

Kisses,

Carson

just common sense

[Bernadina]

I know there have been other theads on this topic so you may be able to search some of them out.

My 2 cents worth.

Your wife needs to feel special right about now. Some flowers, chocolates, perfume jewelry etc., depending on you budget of course. Show her that you love her and will continue to love her. Breakfast in bed. Whatever it takes. Make her feel like a Princess.

Now the catch. After you show her how special she is to you, you have to keep it up and continue to show her how special she is forever.

Your wants and needs come later when she is ready to accept them as part of you.

http://www.geocities.com/bernadina_q/CD/flowers.jpg

[Maria2004]

just common sense

Wow, how about "common sense" v. "common decency" . Carson is a soft target in her current condition, how about a real challenge Veronica? My fixed IP address is *********, forget about Carson f**k with me "LA Woman" :)
And I mean that ever so sweetly :rolleyes: Flame war anyone? Private message, new thread, pick your venue. Bye :wave:

[Tristen Cox]

I suggest private message if there's going to be any flaming from this point further. The rules clearly state there will be no such thing here, and I would be more than happy to give whomever posts this openly on my forum a day or two off to reconcider things. Keep the domestics between your selves please. When someone asks for support the least we can do is help, if not don't press the submit button.

Back on topic, sorry Carson.

[carson]

I suggest private message if there's going to be any flaming from this point further. The rules clearly state there will be no such thing here, and I would be more than happy to give whomever posts this openly on my forum a day or two off to reconcider things. Keep the domestics between your selves please. When someone asks for support the least we can do is help, if not don't press the submit button.

Back on topic, sorry Carson.
Thanks, Tristen. Thanks Maria. And Veronica, I apologize for my scathing comeback to your post. I'm under a lot of stress and feeling a bit snappish. Part of me has to lol though. I've just started daring to buy online. My wife never buys from this store online (she goes to the one in the mall nearby.) So what are the chances of this happening? It's like lightening striking!

Carson

[Adrianne]

I have had two failed marriages because of my crossderssing and now i have a great girlfriend who i told about my crossdressing after 2 monthes of dating and she is supporting me.
The only advice i can give you is to sit down with your wife and explain everything and let her know why you do it, also tell her that you love her.
I wish you all the best and i hope you to can sort everything out and make the marriage work.

Best wishes Adrianne.

[Lulie GG]

Having recently found out aout my husbands cding I can understand how your wife feels. When I first found out the only option was divorce, but after a few days I realised I loved this man and did not want to lose him. We have talked and talked and talked more, we have strenghtened our relationship. Although I do not know what degree I can accept cding, we both know we have something special.

Its difficult as I feel I have done nothing wrong, but he has deceived me with the little cover up lies etc over the years, I have to learn to trust him again let alone get my head round cding.

As others have said sit down and talk and let her know you love her for being her. Us wives have many strange questions and some of the answers from my SO have hurt me but he has been truthful, I sulk yet our relationship is strong enough to overcome this, so far. I like to think we now have a future.

I hope you both find a way.

[Olivia]

Hang in there Carson! Yes, it's pretty tough; this is probably the moment you had hoped would never happen. But, now, as everyone has already pointed out, the tough job really begins girl. It will take patience, compassion, respect, love and luck but you can make it work-so many of us have. My wife has known since way before our marriage in 1977. Even so, sometimes she still has problems with it. Recently, I've been Olivia more and more at home; I know I'm pushing it but now that everyone in my home knows about O, I feel I have to make up for so many years of repressing that Olivia in me. What my wife calls "obsession", I call freedom. I'm not gonna give it up now either.
My wife has also recently said my crossdressing sometimes felt like adultry to her; Olivia is the "other" woman who's taken her man. That's not a too unusual attitude I believe. It does give one insight as to how our needs are perceived. I can certainly understand her feeling that way even tho' I don't agree. Please keep working on it Carson. If you're fortunate, your marriage and your freedom may be saved yet. Lot's of good wishes for you my dear, Olivia

btw: Carson is my son's name too, he's 23 and loves his name! O

[carson]

Having recently found out aout my husbands cding I can understand how your wife feels. When I first found out the only option was divorce, but after a few days I realised I loved this man and did not want to lose him. We have talked and talked and talked more, we have strenghtened our relationship. Although I do not know what degree I can accept cding, we both know we have something special.

Its difficult as I feel I have done nothing wrong, but he has deceived me with the little cover up lies etc over the years, I have to learn to trust him again let alone get my head round cding.

As others have said sit down and talk and let her know you love her for being her. Us wives have many strange questions and some of the answers from my SO have hurt me but he has been truthful, I sulk yet our relationship is strong enough to overcome this, so far. I like to think we now have a future.

I hope you both find a way.
Thanks Lulie,

It's good to get a GG's perspective. I know she loves me. I know she feels deceived. She doesn't know how much of my life may be consumed with CD'ing. And she may be jealous of "the other woman." The pyschological trauma/confusion/pain/shame and guilt of being a closet crossdresser since I was 10yrs. old has now been exposed for the first time - and to the most important person in my life. I desperately want patience and understanding, yet I need to give patience and understanding to my wife. Very draining and exhausting.

Carson

[Maria2004]

This started out as a reply to a private message, but got so long I decided to stick it here and be done with it.

Eh, if I get banned I get banned. Veronica's 1st reply assigning "fault", a messed up as that was her opinion and she was welcome to it, I was saddened to see that Carson allowed her self to get sucked into to responding to it, but that's understandable too. When Veronica came back at Carson again, to me that was sadistic and I just can't stand passively on the sidelines and watch another person being unjustly abused without doing "something", even if it costs me. I'm an out and open CDer, not by chance, but by "choice", and still went thru the same crap Carson is dealing with now. But there is more going on then just this one thread that's been getting to me, the other is the poor beleaguered SO's portrayed as the only victim in these melodramas and all the guilt is dumped on the cross dresser, when we are both victims of our society and culture. And I made darn sure I let my wife know that if I had a "problem" she was part of that problem with her attitude, and it was my love for her that kept me in the closet and eventually drove me out since I was no longer happy with the person I was becoming. Since those rough days 9 months ago my life and my marriage have been enriched immeasurably. I have an ever-widening circle of family and friends who “know” and still accept me. Both on my side and my wife’s. I was truly loved for who I am all along, and didn’t realize it. My only regret is not coming out sooner.



That’s it I’m done. If you all want me outta here, say so and * poof * I’m gone.

Won’t hurt my feelings at all :cool:

Love

Maria Andres

[KewTnCurvy GG]

No words of wisdom just a big hug and hoping you two can grow past this! :)

[carson]

Maria,

I want to thank you for your kind and sensitive support. Though I wish no anguish for anyone, it's been heartening to know I am not the first to go through my current situation. I have been touched by the out-pouring of responses to my thread. They have all been thought provoking and of value. Yes, I do mean all. I guess sometimes one must face the consequences of one's own foolishness.

Now that I'm "exposed" to the person that means the most to me, I guess I have nothing to lose. I just have to be completely honest with her, as uncomfortable as this topic still is for me, and trust that the woman who loves a man by a certain name will be still able to love that man who is also a woman named Carson. I hope she will realize that I haven't changed. I'm still every aspect of a man she has ever known: husband, father, professional. It's just that now she knows about another facet of my life.

I'd welcome more feedback. Particularly from any GG's who happen to be reading.

Carson

[suzym4u]

That’s it I’m done. If you all want me outta here, say so and * poof * I’m gone.
Won’t hurt my feelings at all :cool:

Maria, it would hurt my feelings if anyone actually saw a reason for you to leave. I can't, in my mind see why that would even be an issue. In my short time here, I can however see that there are a few people that would not feel the same way.

My thoughts are also with Carsoncd, I've been down the road you're on now and mine didn't turn out good. I hope for the best for you and you're wife.

[Ava Mouse]

Carson,

I'd recommend that you point out that your CDing has been a long time thing (if it indeed has been). This shows that you're still the same man you were years ago. So, if she understands that you've been faithful and a man for her all those years while still dressing up, there's no sudden change, even though this is new for her... That consistent history will help you. Luckily, I had evidence in my art and dressing that I'd been doing this for a long time. Wives need stability. If this is a sudden change in you, then it's a sudden change in the stability of her life. Read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" will help both of you, too.

While you need to be honest now, and as long as you have not lied about it in the past, she needs to realize that no one needs to know everything about anyone. Even husbands/wives need privacy in some areas, as long as this privacy doesn't threaten their marriage/relationship...

Just my 2c... Hope that helps...

-Ava





Maria,

I want to thank you for your kind and sensitive support. Though I wish no anguish for anyone, it's been heartening to know I am not the first to go through my current situation. I have been touched by the out-pouring of responses to my thread. They have all been thought provoking and of value. Yes, I do mean all. I guess sometimes one must face the consequences of one's own foolishness.

Now that I'm "exposed" to the person that means the most to me, I guess I have nothing to lose. I just have to be completely honest with her, as uncomfortable as this topic still is for me, and trust that the woman who loves a man by a certain name will be still able to love that man who is also a woman named Carson. I hope she will realize that I haven't changed. I'm still every aspect of a man she has ever known: husband, father, professional. It's just that now she knows about another facet of my life.

I'd welcome more feedback. Particularly from any GG's who happen to be reading.

Carson

[sonyacd]

Wow just reading this and Im about to come out or at least starting too makes me think twice now.

But I think she does have to be supported and show her that whilst you are into cding you still care and are you. Whilst you have not shown her about your cding, you are still you and its always been part of you. If you think about that its nothing really has changed.

The real issue is the fact that you partake in something that is not as socially acceptable or regarded as normal so like most of us you hide it from those you love and care about. The deception and lack of trust and honesty are the key issues that need to be re-enforced and as I have concluded, telling my partner is the first and major step to being confident about who I am and with her. I guess we all just have to accept that it may not be accepted.

Good luck with it all and I hope it works out. Will continue to post my progress and Im happy to take any advice I can get.

Sonya xx

[Stephenie]

Carson, Hope things are going well for you. I too am going thruogh a time of ajustment in my marrage. I told my wife a few months ago and things are still being worked on. Hold on and let her know that you love her is the only advice I have.

[Brightredruby]

Hi everyone,
I told my exwife about 6 years ago because I didn't want to keep that part of myself hidden any longer. I was 49 then. She accepted part of my cross dressing but not all of it. She liked to read so I gave her a book I bought at Southern Comfort. She was reading it in bed one night and all of a sudden she said "yuck". I asked her what "yuck" meant and she said the book was talking about having sex with your cding husband while he was dressed.
When I heard that, I knew that I would never, ever have the kind of sex life I wanted if I stayed with her. She had never really liked sex much anyway. It was time for a life saving change, my life. Our divorce went smoothly. It was harder for her than me. It's now been 4 years and we're good friends that talk every 4-5 months. After all we were married for 27 years.