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View Full Version : What do we have in common (TS)?



Deborah757
06-25-2005, 03:06 PM
Other than the obvious of course.

I am a self-diagnosed TS. I have read enough on the subject to recognize in myself what I have known since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I am self-diagnosed only because earlier seeing a therapist would have been hazardous to my career and now, where I live, there are no therapists that I can find with experience in this area. Maybe this is really just my confession and cry for help to try and find out if I am just plain strange or if there are really others like me.

That said, over the past several years I have been engaged in much introspection and have remembered things in my early life that set me apart from others. What I have read indicates that some of these traits are common for TS people, but I was wondering if any of ya’ll has similar experiences.

Also, I have recently found out that my mother took DES when she was pregnant with me. This is an estrogenic drug given to pregnant women during that time to reduce the chance of miscarriage. My mother had miscarriaged a daughter previous to this that died soon after birth. This drug had been, at least circumstantially, linked to gender problems.

1. When I was young, before high school, I was painfully shy. This as I remember was almost to the point of panic attacks around strangers. In junior high I was picked on. When I entered high school I made a conscious decision not to be like that anymore and after fighting, and beating, one of the bullies, didn’t have any problems with being picked on. Over time, I got over the shyness so that now, while I am still introverted, I can easily, with a little preparation, stand up in front of groups of people and comfortably give presentations.

2. Empathy – This may sound stupid, but when I was about 10 I was watching Star Trek, ”The Menagerie” episodes and in that episode the aliens, whom I called the buttheads ;) due to the shape of their heads, called themselves empaths and were able to heal by touching people and absorbing their pain. I remember thinking at the time that that is what I wanted to be. I also noticed a couple of years later that I could relate to anybody because I could recognize what they wanted and needed. I remember being accused of being two-faced because of my relating to different people in different ways.

3. In high school I became the archetypical jock/male success story. Captain and most valuable player in sports, class president, president of all the clubs, ROTC leader, etc. But what sticks out in my mind was at the end of one football season many of the guys, especially the seniors started crying because their football career was over. I remember thinking that I did not understand that and that all I felt was relief because I didn’t really like playing anyway. However, I did my best to imitate them so I could fit in. This carried over for a few years when I tried to act like I liked watching sports on TV. I really didn’t but acted like I did so I could fit in with the crowd.

4. When I was in, I think the first grade, I remember some boy coming to class wearing fingernail polish. Of course, he got made fun of. I do remember clearly going home and putting some on myself.

5. This is kind of embarrassing, but before the sixth grade I had no conception of sex. I don’t even remember thinking about it. Yeah, I knew that girls didn’t have the “parts” but had no idea that there was something else there. I knew that babies came from my mother, but had no idea, and never even questioned, how that came to be. I didn’t find out what the difference was until I told my friend when I was about 10, whose teenaged sister found that quite humorous that I didn’t know “what was down there.” Was I weird, or just a product of the 60’s when such things were not talked about?

6. I don’t think I had the over-riding sex drive that the guys in my high school had. I didn’t have a complete sexual experience until I was 19 and even then it was the girl, who I was in love with at the time, who had to seduce me. Even then, I remember my primary concern was not the sex itself, but rather in doing it for bragging rites so that I could be like everyone else.

7. When I was 16 I spent the night at one of my friend’s house. Since his house was small we had to sleep in the same bed. Before I fell asleep he started feeling me up. My immediate thought , and I let it go on for more than a few minutes, was that I liked it and that this is what it felt like to be a girl. I stopped it before it reached its, err, culmination. To my shame, and this has bothered me for many years, I justified myself by telling others that he was a “fag”. Maybe one day I can find him and tell him I am sorry for the pain and humiliation I caused. In retrospection I have often wondered whether this means I am just a repressed homosexual? I don’t think so because my undeniable TS feelings predated that experience by at lease five years.

What is really confusing is that before the age of about 10 I do not remember anything specific that would set me undeniably apart as a TS. Yeah, like the literature says, I liked to play games inside, but I also liked to shoot BB guns outside and play cowboys and Indians. Early in school, kindergarten through 2d grade I used to get in trouble for being aggressive (showing off and tripping people during the games).

So, as I expect others of you have asked: who am I, and what am I? Am I uniquely insane or are there others who can relate to this?

Lady Jayne
06-25-2005, 04:02 PM
Deborah757


1. When I was young, before high school, I was painfully shy. This as I remember was almost to the point of panic attacks around strangers. In junior high I was picked on. When I entered high school I made a conscious decision not to be like that anymore and after fighting, and beating, one of the bullies, didn’t have any problems with being picked on. Over time, I got over the shyness so that now, while I am still introverted, I can easily, with a little preparation, stand up in front of groups of people and comfortably give presentations.

2. Empathy – This may sound stupid, but when I was about 10 I was watching Star Trek, ”The Menagerie” episodes and in that episode the aliens, whom I called the buttheads ;) due to the shape of their heads, called themselves empaths and were able to heal by touching people and absorbing their pain. I remember thinking at the time that that is what I wanted to be. I also noticed a couple of years later that I could relate to anybody because I could recognize what they wanted and needed. I remember being accused of being two-faced because of my relating to different people in different ways.




This is me, The high school jock part dosn't fit as I never liked sports as for the girlfriend part I was/ am not very sucessful with women, never could do the macho chatting up part also to me sex is very much an emotional state rather than a physical act, therfore there has to be some connection as opposed to the usual guy attitude of "a goal is a goal"
That said I really do love /admire women and when I do connect it can be very erotic and quite intense. the term male lesbian really does seem to fit LOL.
As for feeling like I should have been a girl I have had those feelings as long as I can remember, certainly from as young as age 5/6.

I don't know if you can relate to this but even though I'm totaly in the closet dressing wise I am percieved to be quite effeminate to such an extent that women often ask if I'm gay, I've even been hit on by gay guys and it's not unusual for people to tease me about bieng a girl/tv. perhaps the closet door is not as firmly closed as I think.

Julie
06-25-2005, 06:01 PM
No Deborah, you're not unique or insane. What you describe is very typical in TG/TS people. DES has been suggested as a possibility why we identify as female but there has also been some studies that suggest a pregnant mother experiencing a lot of stress will release more female hormones and that can affect the brain of the male fetus to be more female. There have been many theories but I have yet to read anything that proves decisively what makes a man want to be a woman or vice-versa.

A lot of what you described I have felt too. I wanted to belong and do all the things other guys were but I was small and not all that athletic but never had to endure being called a sissy. Still, there were always the challenges and I knew getting in fights would only end up with me getting lot of bumps and bruises and I've always had an aversion to pain. I used words to defend myself. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not, but eventually guys found out I was okay and the challenges stopped. I was pretty well liked in high school and by my senior, well respected. And not once did I get in a fight. So I guess words were an effective tool for me.

I've never had a gay encounter but I also avoided them like the plague. I know if I fully transitioned I'd at least be curious and would most likely experiement with a man at least once to see for myself, but in this present male body, I remain straight. I love the female body and no man can compete with that.

As far as early experiences, I know therapists look at what age you first started to feel you wanted to be a girl. The earlier it was, the more likely you're TS. For me it was from my earliest memories. In fact the earliest memories I have of anything are all related to wanting to be a girl. I think telling my therapist that is what brought her to such an early conclusion I was TS. I told her there was no way I was transitioning.

I remember a couple of years ago finding the COGIATI test online and taking it. I knew it was nothing more than one person's way to determine your level of 'femaleness' and not to put much stock in the results. But when I took it and scored towards the high end of 'probable trnassexual', I cried. I was upset because I knew it was true and I had been denying this all my life. I also knew I could never successfully deny this any longer and something had to be done. It was a moment of truth that hit me like a ton of bricks. The effects on my family of me doing anything about this was devastating. How could I do that to them? But how could I any longer deny who I am? I was truly between a rock and a hard place and hopelessness set in.

I did my best to continue living the lie but now things weree building inside and I knew I was going to explode. I went to a TG convention and that was that. No turning back. I did therapy and all that did was get me to admit to my family I was TS and get me started on HRT. Soon I found out transitioning wasn't all that easy as wife and son distanced themselves. Even though I told my family it was a mistake on my part to think I could do it, divorce followed and I lost communication with my son.

I still want to transition but I made some committments when I fathered children and I intend to keep them, whether they talk to me or not. What I don't know is will I always be able to say that? That all depends on if this feeling inside me keeps growing.

There's a lot of things that could indicate if you're TS or not but the one to rely on the most is how you feel inside. If you try to imagine waking up every morning in a female body and going about your day living as a woman forever and that appeals to you then ask yourself if you would want to go through the surgeries necessary to achieve this. Would you be happy knowing you'd never experience an erection again? Would you be happy being treated as a woman and all the discrimination they face because of that? If you can't pass, would you still be okay with that? There's so many things involved here and I didn't even touch on family and friends.

As for me, I still don't have the answers I need to know for sure how I'll live the rest of my life. Only time will tell.

Jonien
06-26-2005, 09:56 AM
I started life as a girl my twin sister was a girl although sadly she did't make it but I was dresses as a girl up till the war ended and clothes became avalable but at the time I did know any diference as I was still dressed in a dress from time to time till my Dad came home and it then changed I don't now if had afected my life at all but do remember playing with my sisters dols rather than the train set I had playing mum to a dol was much more fun but only when my Dad was at work or I was punished for being a sissy.

At school I was alone I did't do boy things and not allowed to do girl things again I was to young to know, only I was diferent.

later in life my Mum & Dad new somthing was not right as I did't mix well and was seen by a Docter and was sent away to another school This was I a converleset home but I did't fit in and after six month I came back still very much a lone keeping myself to myself this kept me away from the the fights that a lot of the boys had although I did get into one fight but not knowing how I just dug in with my finger nails ( I kept them long evern then) the other boy run of and I had no more problems after that.

I eventualy have friends but that was not till high school but lost contact when I left as I was not interested in chasing after girls the only friend I did stay with for a while longer till I found out it was me that he wanted but having no intrest in that sort of thing with girls let alone a gay.

Well I did eventualy start going out with girls but looking back now I feel it was the frienship and not the sex side I was after so as you can emagine relationships did not last for long.

I find some one that I thought Loved me and did get marride when I was 30 But it did't last long and we soon parted my fourt I just did not know how to love yes I was cosiderate and did all the right things but it was't right.

Later in my life I met my Jilly we got on so well I had at last found a friend she hsd a baby at the time (the father walk out as soon as he found that a baby was on the way but the baby gave me the strenth to love some one.

one of my hobbys was dressmaking and kniting I used to do this for my sisters eventuly teaching them to knit for themselfs But now I can make more elaberate dresses in time we got very comfertable with each and got to love her but I still did now hoo I was but that did't mater now I'm happy and we got marride over 20 years ago.

It has taken me a long long time to realise that my broblems was that i'm not a man even throughout my life I have worn female clothes when ever I had the chance it was not till I found this site Did I find out who I was and look back over my Life and I find I have been a girl all along if only I could have found out sooner.

Well that is in the past and my life has just begun again I'm a girl and loving every moment of it.

Opps Sorry this was just going to be a reply not my life story. But after all this typing it's going to get posted...sorry