Deborah757
06-25-2005, 03:06 PM
Other than the obvious of course.
I am a self-diagnosed TS. I have read enough on the subject to recognize in myself what I have known since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I am self-diagnosed only because earlier seeing a therapist would have been hazardous to my career and now, where I live, there are no therapists that I can find with experience in this area. Maybe this is really just my confession and cry for help to try and find out if I am just plain strange or if there are really others like me.
That said, over the past several years I have been engaged in much introspection and have remembered things in my early life that set me apart from others. What I have read indicates that some of these traits are common for TS people, but I was wondering if any of ya’ll has similar experiences.
Also, I have recently found out that my mother took DES when she was pregnant with me. This is an estrogenic drug given to pregnant women during that time to reduce the chance of miscarriage. My mother had miscarriaged a daughter previous to this that died soon after birth. This drug had been, at least circumstantially, linked to gender problems.
1. When I was young, before high school, I was painfully shy. This as I remember was almost to the point of panic attacks around strangers. In junior high I was picked on. When I entered high school I made a conscious decision not to be like that anymore and after fighting, and beating, one of the bullies, didn’t have any problems with being picked on. Over time, I got over the shyness so that now, while I am still introverted, I can easily, with a little preparation, stand up in front of groups of people and comfortably give presentations.
2. Empathy – This may sound stupid, but when I was about 10 I was watching Star Trek, ”The Menagerie” episodes and in that episode the aliens, whom I called the buttheads ;) due to the shape of their heads, called themselves empaths and were able to heal by touching people and absorbing their pain. I remember thinking at the time that that is what I wanted to be. I also noticed a couple of years later that I could relate to anybody because I could recognize what they wanted and needed. I remember being accused of being two-faced because of my relating to different people in different ways.
3. In high school I became the archetypical jock/male success story. Captain and most valuable player in sports, class president, president of all the clubs, ROTC leader, etc. But what sticks out in my mind was at the end of one football season many of the guys, especially the seniors started crying because their football career was over. I remember thinking that I did not understand that and that all I felt was relief because I didn’t really like playing anyway. However, I did my best to imitate them so I could fit in. This carried over for a few years when I tried to act like I liked watching sports on TV. I really didn’t but acted like I did so I could fit in with the crowd.
4. When I was in, I think the first grade, I remember some boy coming to class wearing fingernail polish. Of course, he got made fun of. I do remember clearly going home and putting some on myself.
5. This is kind of embarrassing, but before the sixth grade I had no conception of sex. I don’t even remember thinking about it. Yeah, I knew that girls didn’t have the “parts” but had no idea that there was something else there. I knew that babies came from my mother, but had no idea, and never even questioned, how that came to be. I didn’t find out what the difference was until I told my friend when I was about 10, whose teenaged sister found that quite humorous that I didn’t know “what was down there.” Was I weird, or just a product of the 60’s when such things were not talked about?
6. I don’t think I had the over-riding sex drive that the guys in my high school had. I didn’t have a complete sexual experience until I was 19 and even then it was the girl, who I was in love with at the time, who had to seduce me. Even then, I remember my primary concern was not the sex itself, but rather in doing it for bragging rites so that I could be like everyone else.
7. When I was 16 I spent the night at one of my friend’s house. Since his house was small we had to sleep in the same bed. Before I fell asleep he started feeling me up. My immediate thought , and I let it go on for more than a few minutes, was that I liked it and that this is what it felt like to be a girl. I stopped it before it reached its, err, culmination. To my shame, and this has bothered me for many years, I justified myself by telling others that he was a “fag”. Maybe one day I can find him and tell him I am sorry for the pain and humiliation I caused. In retrospection I have often wondered whether this means I am just a repressed homosexual? I don’t think so because my undeniable TS feelings predated that experience by at lease five years.
What is really confusing is that before the age of about 10 I do not remember anything specific that would set me undeniably apart as a TS. Yeah, like the literature says, I liked to play games inside, but I also liked to shoot BB guns outside and play cowboys and Indians. Early in school, kindergarten through 2d grade I used to get in trouble for being aggressive (showing off and tripping people during the games).
So, as I expect others of you have asked: who am I, and what am I? Am I uniquely insane or are there others who can relate to this?
I am a self-diagnosed TS. I have read enough on the subject to recognize in myself what I have known since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I am self-diagnosed only because earlier seeing a therapist would have been hazardous to my career and now, where I live, there are no therapists that I can find with experience in this area. Maybe this is really just my confession and cry for help to try and find out if I am just plain strange or if there are really others like me.
That said, over the past several years I have been engaged in much introspection and have remembered things in my early life that set me apart from others. What I have read indicates that some of these traits are common for TS people, but I was wondering if any of ya’ll has similar experiences.
Also, I have recently found out that my mother took DES when she was pregnant with me. This is an estrogenic drug given to pregnant women during that time to reduce the chance of miscarriage. My mother had miscarriaged a daughter previous to this that died soon after birth. This drug had been, at least circumstantially, linked to gender problems.
1. When I was young, before high school, I was painfully shy. This as I remember was almost to the point of panic attacks around strangers. In junior high I was picked on. When I entered high school I made a conscious decision not to be like that anymore and after fighting, and beating, one of the bullies, didn’t have any problems with being picked on. Over time, I got over the shyness so that now, while I am still introverted, I can easily, with a little preparation, stand up in front of groups of people and comfortably give presentations.
2. Empathy – This may sound stupid, but when I was about 10 I was watching Star Trek, ”The Menagerie” episodes and in that episode the aliens, whom I called the buttheads ;) due to the shape of their heads, called themselves empaths and were able to heal by touching people and absorbing their pain. I remember thinking at the time that that is what I wanted to be. I also noticed a couple of years later that I could relate to anybody because I could recognize what they wanted and needed. I remember being accused of being two-faced because of my relating to different people in different ways.
3. In high school I became the archetypical jock/male success story. Captain and most valuable player in sports, class president, president of all the clubs, ROTC leader, etc. But what sticks out in my mind was at the end of one football season many of the guys, especially the seniors started crying because their football career was over. I remember thinking that I did not understand that and that all I felt was relief because I didn’t really like playing anyway. However, I did my best to imitate them so I could fit in. This carried over for a few years when I tried to act like I liked watching sports on TV. I really didn’t but acted like I did so I could fit in with the crowd.
4. When I was in, I think the first grade, I remember some boy coming to class wearing fingernail polish. Of course, he got made fun of. I do remember clearly going home and putting some on myself.
5. This is kind of embarrassing, but before the sixth grade I had no conception of sex. I don’t even remember thinking about it. Yeah, I knew that girls didn’t have the “parts” but had no idea that there was something else there. I knew that babies came from my mother, but had no idea, and never even questioned, how that came to be. I didn’t find out what the difference was until I told my friend when I was about 10, whose teenaged sister found that quite humorous that I didn’t know “what was down there.” Was I weird, or just a product of the 60’s when such things were not talked about?
6. I don’t think I had the over-riding sex drive that the guys in my high school had. I didn’t have a complete sexual experience until I was 19 and even then it was the girl, who I was in love with at the time, who had to seduce me. Even then, I remember my primary concern was not the sex itself, but rather in doing it for bragging rites so that I could be like everyone else.
7. When I was 16 I spent the night at one of my friend’s house. Since his house was small we had to sleep in the same bed. Before I fell asleep he started feeling me up. My immediate thought , and I let it go on for more than a few minutes, was that I liked it and that this is what it felt like to be a girl. I stopped it before it reached its, err, culmination. To my shame, and this has bothered me for many years, I justified myself by telling others that he was a “fag”. Maybe one day I can find him and tell him I am sorry for the pain and humiliation I caused. In retrospection I have often wondered whether this means I am just a repressed homosexual? I don’t think so because my undeniable TS feelings predated that experience by at lease five years.
What is really confusing is that before the age of about 10 I do not remember anything specific that would set me undeniably apart as a TS. Yeah, like the literature says, I liked to play games inside, but I also liked to shoot BB guns outside and play cowboys and Indians. Early in school, kindergarten through 2d grade I used to get in trouble for being aggressive (showing off and tripping people during the games).
So, as I expect others of you have asked: who am I, and what am I? Am I uniquely insane or are there others who can relate to this?