Don't know what to do

[clare29]

I told my wife about my crossdressing about 4 years ago and even though it was a shock things seamed ok it was the case that she new but we didn't talk about it, which was fine we where still happy together, but last year I went away to the gulf over christmas wile i was away my wife found a picture of me dressed which she told me, when I got home in the new year every thing has change she wont let me touch her and evens pulls away when I give her a hug when I asked her what's wrong she's say's she is not sure if she still loves me and cant look at me in the same way. Ive had to go back to the gulf and im away now when I left we sat and talked and I said I could carry on like this so we left it that we would think about things wile im away for the next 10 weeks.
The problem is now I feal so depresed I don't know if I will have anything to go home to and i keap blaming my self and wishing I never said anything to start with it, I still love her so much.

I was hoping someone else has been in a simlar situation and would have some advice

thanks

[Cindy Lynn]

Yeah I have been there. It is a sucky situation. No hard and fast rules about how to handle it. All I can do is say you aren't the first one it has happened too, and well,,,,, I feel for you sis.

Cindy

[ReineD]

Clare, I'm sorry you are going through this. :sad: You are not to blame. There is no shame in being who you are, how you were born. Many wives do come to a better understanding and acceptance (to varying degrees) once given the opportunity to work through the issue with their husbands.

Having to deal with this over long distance is making your situation much more difficult than it might be if you were home. I'm sure having you away is stressful for your wife. I do not know how easily she normally handles it, but the stress may be causing her to look at things in a darker light than she might otherwise.

This is just my hunch, but if the two of you have not spent any time discussing the CDing in the last 4 years, your wife has a very limited or perhaps even a stereotypical understanding of what it is all about. And since you are not there right now to face this with her, she may be answering all her own questions with the worse possible scenarios.

The typical questions wives first ask are, "Are you gay or are you attracted to other CDers? Do you or will you ever want to transition? Am I not enough for you? How does this change my definition of my sexuality, my marriage? Who are you?"

If you and your wife can resolve to not make any rash decisions about changing your relationship until at least one year after you are home permanently, then you will both have the opportunity to finally face the issue properly together. This does not guarantee that she will come around, but at least you will have a fighting chance.

Do tell her that you love her and you are and will always be her husband. And please ask her to wait until you come home so you can both deal with this together.

In the meantime, please read How to Tell Your Partner (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841), and also the last link under my signature, "Now I Like It, Now I Don't".

I wish for the best possible outcome for both you and your wife.
:love:

[Crysten]

My guess is - she's uninformed. She looks at the pic of you and goes "OMG!! I'M MARRIED TO A GAY DRAG QUEEN!!!" So, my thought would be - sit her down and have a MEANINGFUL discussion with her on the topic - explain to her what it means to you, and how much you love her.

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Good luck =).

My only question for you is - why didn't you fully come out to her before you got married? Would have avoided the entire situation.

Crysten

[Karren H]

Yeah!! There's sure a difference between knowing you dress because you said so and knowing and actually seeing you!! Lucky my wife has never seen me because she would surely freak out.. And I'm not going to let her see me or a photo any time soon.. We don't ralk about it either.. And she knows I still dress but as long as I keep it out of her face she turns a blind eye.. She still doesn't approve....

I'd say let your wife have some time to think about it.. Balls in here court and if you push it your going to drive her away, in my humble opinion.

[GaleWarning]

There is, of course, another possibility ...
The only way to find out is to ask your wife directly if there is someone else.

[Tomara]

Hi Clare
I am sorry that you are going threw this difficult time and being away from home I am sure is not helping the way you are feeling.
My suggestion would be when you get home if you can talk to her to see if she would be willing to see a couples therapist , one who has worked with gender issue would be ideal , or a marriage counselor might be able to help.
Good luck , and keep us posted one how you are doing.
:hugs: Tomara

[kristinacd55]

Sorry to hear it Clare. My wife's seen pics of me dressed, but not in the flesh which she's made quite clear she doesn't want to see. So, we keep a dialogue going about it & just got to keep the communication open. That seems to be the key. As usual, Reine has great advice!

[Kaz]

To my knowledge my wife has never seen a pic of me... she's seen evidence around when I have made mistakes... She knows, but we don't talk about it and we have never formally acknowledged things... but I can relate to what you are going through.

I have never done the ex-pat bit, and my excursions away from home are usually just for a few days, though it's always strange when I get back even after three days away.

There could be lots of reasons for this and do you know her behaviour is related to CDing? As has been suggested there are other possible reasons not linked to CD, ... I don't know how old you are, but things happen around certain ages... I wen through a phase with my wife some years back which sounds similar to what you are going through but it had nothing to do with CD... it was about her and what she wanted out of life?

I sometimes wish we had the therapy culture in the UK that they have in the States... things are very different here...

It won't help in worry terms being away from home, but all you can do is give it time and as Reine and others have said.. keep the comms lines open!

Stay in touch...

Kaz

[sandra cd]

Oh my God this is not what i want to hear, i have been dressing since i was very young, touching 30 now and living with my long term gf. Hope to marry her and didnt know if i should tell her about my dressing. dont think i will ever stop but now i dont think i should tell her:eek::brolleyes:

[Joanne f]

This is one of the risks that we take when we decide to come out of the closet.
Some people can deal with things by putting it in the back of their minds, they know it is there but they do not want to confront it and if situations arise that force them to confront the problem then it usually takes on a negative form , but given time to adjust they can learn to accept it more openly but they have to do this in their own time so hopefully things might work out OK for you .

[clare29]

Thanks for all the advice, it' help me think about a few things

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I've been there too - it is a very gut-wrenching time - my stress level goes

off the chart - I wish I knew something that would help BOTH of us


JoAnne Wheeler