Living in a box

[Ruth]

A while back I made a post about being strictly a part-time CDer and never planning to be full-time or going in for SRS. I was sincere when I wrote it and would say the same now, but I realise on thinking carefully about it that I was more or less repeating what I had agreed with my therapist at the end of therapy a year ago.
Now therapy can be very good, and I went into it to try to understand my CDing, and I think I got good results. However, it is the way of therapy that we are trying to analyse and explain our behavior and feelings; and given the taxonomic nature of clinical psychology there is a certain amount of definition and categorization taking place, simply because the therapist wants to place our behavior in the context of other behaviors.
So it was no surprise really to find that at the end of it, that I was agreeing with my therapist that I was a heterosexual part-time CDer who also wished to retain his male identity long-term.
But am I? When I think in a detached way about it, I can say that in any conceivable situation or activity, if it were socially acceptable, I would prefer to dress in female clothes and present in a feminine way. So what's keeping me in my "part-time" box is an unwillingness to break social conventions.
Similarly with bodily modifications: out of love and respect for my wife I will remain the man she married for as long as our marriage lasts, but if it were to end, there would be no strong reason for me not to consider electrolysis, hormone treatment, even maybe breast implants. So what's keeping me in my "male identity" box is my marriage.
So there we are. I'm in a box, not too constrained or uncomfortable about it, but the limits on my transgender life are not exactly self-imposed.
Try thinking about it and see what sort of a box you are in.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Gee Ruth, 6 months ago I wouldn't have known if I was in a box or not..... more like a basket case really :doh:

Thanks to reading a thousand posts here I am convinced that I am mostly (read that nearly all) typically male. Married with children 100% hetero, sports loving, bourbon drinking, loud farting male. Just happens that I have a definite weakness for Cding.....if you'd call it a weakness - more an unwavering compulsion really.



if it were socially acceptable, I would prefer to dress in female clothes and present in a feminine way. So what's keeping me in my "part-time" box is an unwillingness to break social conventions.

Totally relate to that!

Outside family and work times, if it wasn't for those social conventions I would probably present as female more often than not :daydreaming:

Hope this answers your question.

Tash :)

[Byanca]

I think the mistake we do is impose these restrictions on our self. Why dont we do the same as girls do? All magazines etc is full of be who you are. What you like is what is important. Take care of your emotional self. See how far that has got them. They can now dress and express themselves mostly just like they want to.

But I think this must start with children. Male boys should be given more freedom to evolve. The headroom for expression is still tiny, compared to girls. I say the responsibility mostly lie with the parants. That they respect individuality in their kids, and dont force that and that, and do hardcore programming. It's bound to create problems sooner or later.

[Kate Simmons]

We make our own prisons and/or limitations Ruth. That is part of healthy self ownership. A good therapist does not use labels but leaves that to us, nor do they attempt to catagorize us as they know everyone is an individual. As far as a self imposed limit in regard to a relationship, it could always be worse. Sometimes we don't realize we have something precious until it's too late.:)

[deja true]

I can relate to all that, too, Ruth!

But it doesn't keep me from crying some times at the frustration of knowing that, but for a tiny twist of fate at the moment of conception, it could have been me over there at the next table enjoying my life as a woman with that lovely bunch having coffee and croissants.

I'm happy enough as "what's his name", geting to dress at my own pleasure, but I miss the life I know I would have preferred...

*sigh*

[Slip Affinity]

I agree that we all have a male and a female side and I truly enjoy both sides, in particular the female side. IF it was acceptable by society to dress in either mode, I would definitely go with the female side. But alas, that won't happen in my lifetime.

[JulieC]

I'm in a box, not too constrained or uncomfortable about it, but the limits on my transgender life are not exactly self-imposed.
Try thinking about it and see what sort of a box you are in.

I have no desire to undergo SRS, have hormone treatments, breast implants, and only slight thoughts of electrolysis.

The main box that I feel I am in is that I am not free to dress as I like, when I want, where I want. If I were free to do so, I would wear dresses and skirts frequently. Not all the time, but frequently.

Tangential; there's often comments on this forum about that if you want to blend and pass, you have to dress down somewhat. Personally, that's of no interest to me. In presenting femme, I want to be in skirts or dresses, and the less casual the better. That's sort of a box too.

[Karren H]

I'm a product of my current box and I'm sure if my box was different and my box was youngerish I'd probably be doing stuff to my body that my current box doesn't allow.. Guess that's the definition of thinking outside of the box? And being an engineer... Boxes are nice and rectangular and definable with equations and very comphy!! :)

[Samantha43]

I don't really consider myself in a box. Everything I have done with my life has been my choice except for one "hobby" I have. I chose to get married and have kids. I chose my profession and hobbies....except for the one. I have chosen my lifestyle, my friends and the people I associate with.

Do I like dressing in womens' clothing more than mens' clothing.....YES! However I would never consider transitioning. My wife knows and is supportive of my crossdressing, but there are lines I won't cross. Most of those lines are ones I have placed on myself, some are my wifes. Out of my love and respect for her, I will always be the man she married. Could being able to dress how I want replace the love and companionship of my wife? Not even close.

Like Tasha, I really enjoy being a guy. There is something about sitting at a bar, drinking beer with the guys and letting one rip whenever I want to...:D All of my other hobbies are considered male hobbies. I try to keep things in perspective and keep the proper balance in my life.

I have been on this forum for a couple of years now, and am amazed at how self centered some of it's members are. Please remember that your wife didn't sign up for this. Considering your marriage a "box" you are in that keeps you from doing what you want sounds like you are considering ending it. You must consider which is more important. The love and companionship of your wife or ending your marriage and transitioning. The latter will be emotionally difficult for your wife and family and could lead you to a very lonely life.

I wish you the best. :hugs:

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I am in a box constructed od "Boundaries" dictated by my spouse - breaking

those boundaries will mean INSTANT DIVORCE - that is my box - I am not

happy living in this box and yet I love my spouse (been married for 38+ years)

JoAnne Wheeler

[SherriePall]

Some boxes break. Some boxes bulge. Some that break can be taped back together. Some are too far gone.
What I am saying is that putting yourself in a box is not a life sentence. However, the reasons for putting yourself in that box may make that box stronger and less likely to break.

[Patricia1]

Ruth - You're very thoughtful & always reflecting on our condition. It didn't sound to me at all like you think you're "boxed in" or that your marriage is trapping you. I took your words to be simply a metaphor for where your life is at, in much the same way as your therapist categorized your state. To me you are simply stating what some of us believe our status would be if circumstances were different.

We can dream, can't we? Move over.

[Ellen Ross]

Ruth,

I agree with you. If I didn't have my life with my wife I might get lost in the pink fog and really go for it. It has crossed my mind. But for me Samantha said it perfectly;




Could being able to dress how I want replace the love and companionship of my wife? Not even close.



Ellen

[Donna Marie]

Ruth, I know what you mean. I am separated from my wife, but we still see each other often and are still friends. I find my desire to be feminine varies greatly over time. Right now it is at high tide and yesterday I went shopping en femme (see "Prison Break" thread). It was the first time I was really out in the world in several years. I loved it! And I have been rather bold about going out for the mail, etc, lately. But when I went to visit my wife yesterday afternoon I made sure all my lovely nail polish was off and that there was no trace of makeup because she does not approve. Oh well. So for a while I will feel like throwing caution to the wind and just being ME and who cares who knows. Then I will find my masculine side becoming more dominant and I wonder, "What was I thinking?" Geez, it is enough to confuse a girl for sure. But at my age and financial circumstance, there's no way I could do the hair removal, implants, and whatever to really become the woman I think about anyway.

[sometimes_miss]

My box is kind of a catch 22 type of thing. I can't comfortably date anyone without being up front about being a crossdresser. But that means pretty much, no dates. No dating means no affection. Feeling starved of affection, I need a 'stress relief valve'; for me, that's crossdressing. The more I'm alone, the more I want to crossdress. And seeing as I'm alone, I do. Which makes me stay at home (because I'm not, and do not want to be, 'out'), and acquire more girl clothes. The better and prettier the girl clothes I own, the more I want to dress up, just because it makes me feel better. The more I dress up, the more I stay at home, the less women I meet, the less likely I will ever date.
It's a vicious circle. And I get tired of walking in circles in heels.