Robbo
03-30-2009, 03:29 AM
this is a tad long but i want to share it here for response....any feedback of a positive nature would be helpful...this is a letter to my aa sponsor.
when I was young sex was never talked about at home.....gender was never forced on me.....I never thought at all about whether I was a girl or a boy or if I wished I was a girl....I remember in the fifth or sixth grade I was in this neutered kinda neutral place in my emotional and sexual development and I did not know why guys act the way they did or what I was supposed to do with grrls...
I never was trouble by sex gender or being called queer.
By middle school I was called queer a lot and that really hurt because I knew what it meant. Also the matter was complicated by me not even knowing what was true about myself.....but it was obvious to everyone that I was different.....and I did not know how I was different......this led me to drink and drug...I stopped caring about things just about then and my mother left my dad and I was like **** it.
by the time I started college living in Lubbock, and I began to cross-dress....the shame and guilt I was taught to feel at doing this queer activity increased my desire to blot myself out.....I found POT.....All I wanted was to get high. If I did not have pot I was looking of it....all pot did for me was land me in Big Spring state Hospital....
I spent time in san Angelo fell in love with a grrl who I thought was Janet but she was actually Meatlaof....it didn’t work out and as I was going to big spring for the third time I found AA....
I ended up back in lubbock and immediately started cross-dressing again....I hated it....I could not stop myself from doing it....I thought it was wrong...I was terrified I would be caught and everyone would know.....I only told a few people and they didn't believe me.....at this time I thought I was gay...I wasn’t'.....
I moved to fort worth continued to cross-dress....hated it.....thought it was wrong.....wanted to stop but I couldn't....got into a love addicted relationship which send me running back AA......got serious about it....worked the twelve steps for the first time....
then in 94 I became manic again for the fifth time in my life...lithium quit working....everyone thought I was on drugs...I lost my sponsor.....went to trinity springs and then got out only to stay manic foot the next three years...got involved in a painful sex addicted relationship with a woman my age that last almost a year.....got so sick I could not go to AA....there was no help for me there....
97 I ended up in trinity springs. I was there for three weeks.....in out patient I realized my doctor went to med school EIGHT EXTRA YEARS for a reason I told him I was ready to stop playing psychiatrist. He put me on the meds I take today and I have been well for 12 years. In 2001 I finished my BFA in painting and drawing…my greatest achievement…
Today I have discovered I am transgender and at almost 17 years sober I want to share what that is like with you….first of all I cross-dress because its normal for me to want to do that because of my development when I was born…the theory is men like me have an influx of estrogen to there brain when it develops….this causes them to be latently feminine but most importantly it creates a desire within themselves to view themselves as feminine….hence transvestitism…..cowboys smoke cigarettes and ride horses…autogyneaphilliacs wear women’s clothes….this I finally learned about myself.
The next thing that I discovered was that I am bigendered……this means that I have a femme self and a male self….but when I try to examine where on starts and where one ends I get tied in knots…..I am beginning to realize that as far as being masculine goes I have nothing to compare it to. For the most part….I’m just a ****ing grrl….this is offset by the sheer absurdity of my physical appe4arnece as a male and exacerbated by my macho attire that I am so wishing I didn’t wear….I don’t want to dress or look like Madonna…..but somehow I think I can do better than to dress as John Wayne all the time. The dichotomy of my maleness versus my femmeness is causing me to have internal rage….I am angry that I am six foot four. I am angry that I want to wear women’s clothes…I am angry that I don’t have any women’s clothes to wear and that I can’t wear them because I feel unattractive to myself….I am tired of being fat and I feel ugly and it makes me sick to death….all the time I think of a future where all this will be resolved…I will be good looking again……I will enjoy cross-dressing again. I will truly know who I am and be happy with my transgender self…but with every stroke of peeling the onion the more LOST AT SEA I get…..
For the first time in all of this I am now examining whether or not I am a transsexual…
If I am I would be called a non operative transsexual because I am not going to transition.
If that is the case you might say well what does it matter? It matters because this is about my identity not just gender and I somehow have to know.
I became manic in 96 when I went away to Arlington for school at UTA. I got fat for the first time in my life. My reaction was to stop cross-dressing…my subconscious literally started drawing me a picture of what I was…..I made soft porn drawings of grrls wearing lingerie and this was my new way of cross-dressing….in my manic state I was having thoughts about duality of soul…a concept I called the twins…I would draw the twins but to me in my mind my twin was gone……I did not know where he was……I was all that was left…..
After 97 and getting out of the hospital I was shakey for a year….for the next four years or so I had no soul……I was hollow inside…..My subconscious started to draw again and I drew Ghost Girl for the first time…..Ghost girl was a lot of stuff……there is a whole chapter that could be written about her content in terms of my life…..but mostly she represented the death of my sexuality…..the void that used to be my soul…..my inner child dead and beaten to death…..her grief was for the loss of that child…her guilt told her she did not deserve to go on….
Flash forward to a huge blunder in judgment….I joined SAA…I did everything they told me to do….I freely admitted I cross dressed and denounced it as wrong and swore I’d never do it again…..the folly….I became celibate…..I slipped and broke a boundary with myself…..I worked a fourth step but could not stop “acting out”….I was not cross-dressing at this time….My sponsor insisted I make an amends to Meatloaf about being a sex addict…..I disagreed….so I fired him…. I was going to AA in this period and everyday I prayed for god to keep me safe sane and sober…..but I would still act out and I felt shame….I told myself I was never going to get any better and quit going to meetings…..I stayed sober nonetheless……. This is still a had idea and only the kind of logic an alcoholic would use….
One day it occurred to me that the only ally I have in life is my mom….it became clear that there was NO ONE who was looking out for my best interests past the moment my mom dies….I realized I had no one to turn to…..I returned to AA and found a friend to sponsor me……over a year later it wasn’t working out so good between us but then out of nowhere I learn the truth about myself…..I am bigendered. My sponsor could not handle it and I had to fire him…..you know I came to Lambda and found you so at this point in the story we are at the present….
I just wrote in an email to Kelly that I wonder if my cross-dressing and all the shame and guilt I felt about which caused me to drink and drug and even abuse sex and cross-dressing itself was in fact the CLUB I beat my inner child to death with….
This is painful for me to look at but if there is good news I think I told you that I have found a happiness in all of this knowledge and my child is born anew….he’s just not doing so good….perhaps as I gesture of trust with my child I might never cross-dress again for I think the pain I feel about cross-dressing is his pain…..I really kinda dig it but he’s not into it…..my inner child is the part of me that when feeling unhappy goes to the internet and buys a VEST…..a JOHN WAYNE VEST…..my inner child loves cowboys….but this seems to be where I’ve been and where I am at
Cross dresser. Bigendered. Mostly Asexual…..wondering if I am transsexual…
I know I can live without cross-dressing because I have lived without it for years now….but what seems to be my challenge is to save my inner child from any of the pain that all this caused……my inner child doesn’t understand all this queer stuff….
when I was young sex was never talked about at home.....gender was never forced on me.....I never thought at all about whether I was a girl or a boy or if I wished I was a girl....I remember in the fifth or sixth grade I was in this neutered kinda neutral place in my emotional and sexual development and I did not know why guys act the way they did or what I was supposed to do with grrls...
I never was trouble by sex gender or being called queer.
By middle school I was called queer a lot and that really hurt because I knew what it meant. Also the matter was complicated by me not even knowing what was true about myself.....but it was obvious to everyone that I was different.....and I did not know how I was different......this led me to drink and drug...I stopped caring about things just about then and my mother left my dad and I was like **** it.
by the time I started college living in Lubbock, and I began to cross-dress....the shame and guilt I was taught to feel at doing this queer activity increased my desire to blot myself out.....I found POT.....All I wanted was to get high. If I did not have pot I was looking of it....all pot did for me was land me in Big Spring state Hospital....
I spent time in san Angelo fell in love with a grrl who I thought was Janet but she was actually Meatlaof....it didn’t work out and as I was going to big spring for the third time I found AA....
I ended up back in lubbock and immediately started cross-dressing again....I hated it....I could not stop myself from doing it....I thought it was wrong...I was terrified I would be caught and everyone would know.....I only told a few people and they didn't believe me.....at this time I thought I was gay...I wasn’t'.....
I moved to fort worth continued to cross-dress....hated it.....thought it was wrong.....wanted to stop but I couldn't....got into a love addicted relationship which send me running back AA......got serious about it....worked the twelve steps for the first time....
then in 94 I became manic again for the fifth time in my life...lithium quit working....everyone thought I was on drugs...I lost my sponsor.....went to trinity springs and then got out only to stay manic foot the next three years...got involved in a painful sex addicted relationship with a woman my age that last almost a year.....got so sick I could not go to AA....there was no help for me there....
97 I ended up in trinity springs. I was there for three weeks.....in out patient I realized my doctor went to med school EIGHT EXTRA YEARS for a reason I told him I was ready to stop playing psychiatrist. He put me on the meds I take today and I have been well for 12 years. In 2001 I finished my BFA in painting and drawing…my greatest achievement…
Today I have discovered I am transgender and at almost 17 years sober I want to share what that is like with you….first of all I cross-dress because its normal for me to want to do that because of my development when I was born…the theory is men like me have an influx of estrogen to there brain when it develops….this causes them to be latently feminine but most importantly it creates a desire within themselves to view themselves as feminine….hence transvestitism…..cowboys smoke cigarettes and ride horses…autogyneaphilliacs wear women’s clothes….this I finally learned about myself.
The next thing that I discovered was that I am bigendered……this means that I have a femme self and a male self….but when I try to examine where on starts and where one ends I get tied in knots…..I am beginning to realize that as far as being masculine goes I have nothing to compare it to. For the most part….I’m just a ****ing grrl….this is offset by the sheer absurdity of my physical appe4arnece as a male and exacerbated by my macho attire that I am so wishing I didn’t wear….I don’t want to dress or look like Madonna…..but somehow I think I can do better than to dress as John Wayne all the time. The dichotomy of my maleness versus my femmeness is causing me to have internal rage….I am angry that I am six foot four. I am angry that I want to wear women’s clothes…I am angry that I don’t have any women’s clothes to wear and that I can’t wear them because I feel unattractive to myself….I am tired of being fat and I feel ugly and it makes me sick to death….all the time I think of a future where all this will be resolved…I will be good looking again……I will enjoy cross-dressing again. I will truly know who I am and be happy with my transgender self…but with every stroke of peeling the onion the more LOST AT SEA I get…..
For the first time in all of this I am now examining whether or not I am a transsexual…
If I am I would be called a non operative transsexual because I am not going to transition.
If that is the case you might say well what does it matter? It matters because this is about my identity not just gender and I somehow have to know.
I became manic in 96 when I went away to Arlington for school at UTA. I got fat for the first time in my life. My reaction was to stop cross-dressing…my subconscious literally started drawing me a picture of what I was…..I made soft porn drawings of grrls wearing lingerie and this was my new way of cross-dressing….in my manic state I was having thoughts about duality of soul…a concept I called the twins…I would draw the twins but to me in my mind my twin was gone……I did not know where he was……I was all that was left…..
After 97 and getting out of the hospital I was shakey for a year….for the next four years or so I had no soul……I was hollow inside…..My subconscious started to draw again and I drew Ghost Girl for the first time…..Ghost girl was a lot of stuff……there is a whole chapter that could be written about her content in terms of my life…..but mostly she represented the death of my sexuality…..the void that used to be my soul…..my inner child dead and beaten to death…..her grief was for the loss of that child…her guilt told her she did not deserve to go on….
Flash forward to a huge blunder in judgment….I joined SAA…I did everything they told me to do….I freely admitted I cross dressed and denounced it as wrong and swore I’d never do it again…..the folly….I became celibate…..I slipped and broke a boundary with myself…..I worked a fourth step but could not stop “acting out”….I was not cross-dressing at this time….My sponsor insisted I make an amends to Meatloaf about being a sex addict…..I disagreed….so I fired him…. I was going to AA in this period and everyday I prayed for god to keep me safe sane and sober…..but I would still act out and I felt shame….I told myself I was never going to get any better and quit going to meetings…..I stayed sober nonetheless……. This is still a had idea and only the kind of logic an alcoholic would use….
One day it occurred to me that the only ally I have in life is my mom….it became clear that there was NO ONE who was looking out for my best interests past the moment my mom dies….I realized I had no one to turn to…..I returned to AA and found a friend to sponsor me……over a year later it wasn’t working out so good between us but then out of nowhere I learn the truth about myself…..I am bigendered. My sponsor could not handle it and I had to fire him…..you know I came to Lambda and found you so at this point in the story we are at the present….
I just wrote in an email to Kelly that I wonder if my cross-dressing and all the shame and guilt I felt about which caused me to drink and drug and even abuse sex and cross-dressing itself was in fact the CLUB I beat my inner child to death with….
This is painful for me to look at but if there is good news I think I told you that I have found a happiness in all of this knowledge and my child is born anew….he’s just not doing so good….perhaps as I gesture of trust with my child I might never cross-dress again for I think the pain I feel about cross-dressing is his pain…..I really kinda dig it but he’s not into it…..my inner child is the part of me that when feeling unhappy goes to the internet and buys a VEST…..a JOHN WAYNE VEST…..my inner child loves cowboys….but this seems to be where I’ve been and where I am at
Cross dresser. Bigendered. Mostly Asexual…..wondering if I am transsexual…
I know I can live without cross-dressing because I have lived without it for years now….but what seems to be my challenge is to save my inner child from any of the pain that all this caused……my inner child doesn’t understand all this queer stuff….