am i the only one on a roller coaster?

[vicky]

hay girls!!
hope all is well with you all and your having/had a great day! a couple of things...
firstly just an introduction (sorry to repeat a post in an earlier thread). i am vicky, a 30 CD/ M2F transgender, been dressing since i was quite young, in my elder sisters clothes and then more recently my own clothes (after leaving university and getting my own house). i am out to 2 fantastic g.girl friends (a lesbian couple!) who are very supportive and keen to go out round manchester with me. who are really great when i am down on myself and either on being TG, on being male or on not being female..... my wife is aware, tollerant but not really supportive of my dressing, but very supportive emotionally if that makes sence. i told her about myself before we got married.
secondly, it is great to see a site that covers CD/TG issues without the unnecessary 'seedier' side. i have been put off joining and posting on newsgroups because of that side of the scene. which quite frankly upsets me, i am just interested in expressing my femaleness and working through my feelings and not anything more seedy.

finally... (at last! i hear you cry.) is it just me, or does anyone else go through cycles?
i go through cycles of being upset that i was born male, cycles of being upset or angry with myself for needing to crossdress and cycles of being tearfully desperate to be a real girl. is this 'normal'?
love
vicky
xx :)

[Teddie]

Hi Vicky,

Yes, I go through cycles. And, I think most of the girls do. Mine are more along the line of not wanting to dress :mad:, wanting to dress :) , having to dress :D. There are also time that I feel more feminine than others. I think basically that this is a normal thing that we all go through.

[Missy]

yes i to go around and around male to female back to male. sometimes i wish it to stop with out stopping my life. when i cross dress in female cloths it feels good and i feel good untill it starts becoming sexal and then i start feeling guilt. then after i stop kicking myself i wear mens clothing. this is when the withdraws from wemans clothing starts so i start off with pantys and bras. keep thinking of that saying "let thy own self be true" so yes do not feel alone i just wish i could stop the cycle either be a man or be a women no going back and forth.
just be good to youself and be happy

[eleventhdr]

Yes i certainly can relate to this to it si very hadr to be able to dress as one really wants to and needs to. I to go backand foruth between male and female the male still being the stonger of myselfs and the one who does protect my femm self the mosat perhaps as it should really be . But to finally escape into total femmininty is the goal of most of us cd's even if it is not sex reassiment then at the very least living female as much as we can. Anyway. Thank's for listing more later Suzy Ann!.

[Jocee]

s it just me, or does anyone else go through cycles?
i go through cycles of being upset that i was born male, cycles of being upset or angry with myself for needing to crossdress and cycles of being tearfully desperate to be a real girl. is this 'normal'?
xx :) Hey Vicky,

I have gone through a number of major cycles, including questioning whether I wanted to live full time, whether I was TS or not, whether I wanted to get some facial surgury yet continue to live life mostly as a male, and like you, the self-loathing that I was born this way and wish a "normal" life.

Interestingly enough I started these cycles in my early 30's, as my crossdressing progressed beyond an inhouse activity, and I started getting out doing things as a woman, as well as finding a circle of friends who accepted Joanna as Joanna, and knew nothing of my boyself.

It all got fairly confusing and I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about gender issues, researching publications, exploring the early stuff on the internet and early CompuServe forum. So much so, that my professional and personal relationships began to suffer.

So..... I went to see a therapist who specialized (oops, specialised for you UK girls) in Gender Identity issues.

I went for over 2 years. One-on-one and group therapy with a variety of people (TS, TG, CD).

I won't get into the details, because everyone is different, but it was absolutely the best move of my life......

What I got out of therapy was an understanding of some of the factors, especially stress, that started various cycles (like the "I'm TS and want to transition" one). In addition, and most important, it helped me to stop the self loathing, accepting that this was part of me and allowed me to embrace this part of my life. Finally, I stopped looking at crossdressing as a burden and gave myself permission to enjoy this part of me.

Do I still have some cycle issues -- most definitely, but they are not as acute and the therapy helped to give me some understanding of the my "mechanisms" to help me lessen the pain, confusion, obsession, et al....

Like you, I'm married to a wonderful human who supports this side of me, but who does not desire to participate.... but given that, we have been able to craft a relationship that satisfies us both.....

Having been there...... I definitely feel your pain!

Joanna