Not feeling well... (emotionally)

[KateC]

No girls, I'm not down with a fever or coughing =)

Just been feeling down these days... with everything really...

Feeling confused about myself, of why I am like this or why do I need to do this, unsure of who I am anymore or to be more precise, what I am =(

Also like what I wrote on my other posts... the weight on my back because of trying to explain to my SO...

Still apprehensive to go out fully en-femme even though I did it already...

No one really to share this, other than on here, no person to person... I'm in a state of disappointment and sadness and I just wish I could feel better =(

[nicole 555]

Just like you i just do not feel right. But can not put my finger on it. I have a good partner but something is missing . If you find something that helps let me know

[jasmine87xoxo]

I dont have too much advice, other than to say I feel like this from time to time, but it always seems to pass. Hang in there girl your just in a lull, itll get better I promise

[nicole 555]

It was that when i got dressed up it got better but know i want more what i do not know

[Kathi Lake]

Just as "The Pink Fog" can lift us to heights we think we can never come down from, we also get "The Blue Fog" (and I'm not talking about the aftereffects of a Taco Bell buffet).

When we get this way, life seems, . . . blah. Two-dimensional. Stifling. The good thing? It doesn't last. If it does, then some extra help is required. For now, relax. Getting depressed about getting depressed isn't going to help. When the time is right, you and your SO will indeed have a nice chat. Don't put it off for too long though, as she does deserve the truth. The longer you hide it, the larger the perceived whammy will be when you do tell her as it will be compounded by trust issues ("Why couldn't you trust me enough to tell me earlier?").

Keep us posted!

Kathi

[nicole 555]

She know all about my cd that not problem

[Sheila]

:hugs:KateC & :hugs:nicole

[Adrianna_Sofia]

Awww...come here Kate and nicole..:hugs:

It's (depression) a normal part of being human, not straight, not bi, not gay.
Don't question who you are by trying to define what society perceive you to be. I had this experience before of being the "good" boy around everyone else. Everybody approved of it but somehow I felt a bit hollow inside. It's when I decided to just stick the Johnny Cash finger:) to others and just bend some rules here and there that I finally was able to be happier. As to how to break it to your SO, well, I really can't say because I haven't been on that bridge yet but I guess I understand your apprehensions. But sometimes the what ifs are more complicated than the actual problem you are facing...

[Kelsy]

Blue is not my favorite color!:) We all experience down days when it is nice to have friends to support and love us! We are here for you!!

:hugs:Kelsy

[Raquel June]

I've been awfully depressed the past month... I haven't been like this in awhile... Haven't even left the house most days, and it's certainly not helping my GPA... Being laid off and single and trying to finish school at 33 is a kinda depressing place. Maybe I'm just lonely. But I'm going to get back into therapy. I hope you find happiness.

:hugs:

[Karren H]

Personally I think its all about self acceptance, no mater what the reason.. For me once I faced the reality that this is how I was and there was nothing wrong with it.... Then all that missery went away and crossdressing became fun!! I have no clue why I'm like this but I don't really care any more either.

If you can shake this on your own I'd seek professional help..

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I think most of us have been or are still in the same situation as you. As

far as trying to explain WHY we do this - everyone has their own opinion -

the truth is no one knows for sure - one debate centers around NATURE

versus NURTURE - My own opinion is that we are born that way. I think

nurture can play a part in expressing our inward feminine self, but I do not

think that being exposed to nurture without already having those inward

feminine traits and desires would cause one to become a crossdresser - I

do not think that we consciously choose to be a crossdresser - why would

we consciously (if we did not already have those feminine desires in us)

choose to subject ourselves to the shame, guilt, secrecy, loneliness,

depression, etc by having to deal with all these crossdressing issues

That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it

JoAnne Wheeler

[boardpuppy]

Most of us have been through the blues before. If they are persistant and you can't seem to kick them yourself, talk to someone. For me, I can't talk to the SO or personnal friend and have to talk to a therapist. They don't have to be a gender specialist (although that helps) as sometimes it's just stuff that you need to talk about. If you have the slightest idea that this may be connected in any way to gender issues, only talk to a gender specialist, as they mostly know what is happening.

Hugs,
Alice

[KateC]

I think this is affecting how I am to others now.... I'm really messed up.... /sigh

[Angie G]

Sorry your feeling down Kate. And with things the way they are I can see why. You can talk to any of us here about anything hun it may help you feel better. Hang in there hun.:hugs:
Angie

[2b.Lauren]

The questions that you and most of us are dealing with are big ones. Yes they can feel like a huge weight on our shoulders. Karren Hutton said something that has really resonated with me recently. I have finally come to a place of acceptance now in my life. I no longer have to question why or who I am, it makes little to no sense for me to labor with that anymore. I still have those same days as you mentioned, I just try very hard to sum them up and put them into perspective. If however, you continue to struggle and your mood does not seem to improve, seek out a counselor that is skilled in issues that we as CD's face. If that person does not work out, look for someone else. I hope you feel better really soon, just lean on others here in the forum and don't be shy about sharing what you are feeling.

Hugs,
Lauren

[KateC]

I do try to talk more but I am not sure if I am getting my message across. There are 2 fronts on this issue, one my struggling understanding and acceptance on who or what I am and how to deal with this in the future regarding what things I want to do (ie. go out dressed, interact with people, how often).

The second front is with my SO, but this breaks into 2 parts really that has common issues.

First one is, as I already stated in this thread and many other threads or posts, is the hardship of 100% coming out to my SO, she really only knows half of what's going on because I previously only knew half of what's going on. Yes I did try to leave out some things but generally it didn't make any difference, I keep changing and evolving about things so it's new to me as well. Sometimes I think it'll be a bit easier if I was just alone in solitude, no one to worry about but myself.

Second part is, just about general relationship and how I am or how she is. I *know* we don't talk enough or communicate what's actually wrong, just talking itself. It's like pandora's box... I say lets talk about stuff and we start then she gets upset and doesnt want to talk. This is about anything, and to bring in the CD/TS stuff it's like walking on fire. It's so hard to do anything, I feel at least myself, that she is always just avoiding stuff and putting everything as the elephant in the room, and most of the excuse comes from "Oh I have xyz tomorrow, I got a abc coming next week and you're putting this shit on me now"

Like ALWAYS something coming up because of school/family/events/friends or whatever. I feel it's really an excuse, she doesn't make time, even if we are busy, we should. Hell even she said that to me once, I don't know, probably she gets to pick and choose or whenever it suits her to talk about issues.

The academic portion is done soon now, so I don't know what else excuse can she come up with, this is why I've been saying in my other posts (for those who follow me or actually give a damn) that I want to confront and clear all this up within a month.

It's not like we just started having issues, we had them since just a few years into the relationship, and no I am not innocent at all, I have my own issues that I should fix as well, I'm not perfect, not even close to, but I think when times get bad or worse, most of the time it's related to me not feeling good, because of CD/TS and how it's so taboo or not "right" in most people's eyes or whatever else that isn't to the "norm" of general population. It doesn't have to be CD, it can be other things like wanting to throw banana's on the wall and eat them up while you are watching TV. But mostly it is because of CDing, and thus the 2 main issues always overlap and cause grief to myself and by effect to others around me.

I don't honestly know if anyone can help but I really just want to go buy some nice pants/shoes and a jacket today and the new wig at the store someone here mentioned. That's what I want to do...