HATE HATE HATE knowing that I will never be a woman or a man

[Wren]

Sometimes it's great, sometimes it sucks.

I've said that I love being between the two genders but REALLY REALLY it just BLOODY MOTHER****ING SUCKS.

I feel like this pitiful half creature. I can't and won't ever fit into a socially constructed vision of woman. I also REFUSE to alter my hormonal state to become a socially constructed vision of a man.

I want my breasts, I love my curves, I dont' want a working penis, but I do want to walk down the street and have someone say 'hey dude, there's a boy walking down that street'

But I can't complain because I don't want to fully transition. I KNOW i would get to a point where I'd miss my female self. I have switches between the two genders and I can't predict them.

Right now I'm between them, and just looking at all the pictures kicking around on this forum I am so happy for everyone who is transitioning or feeling good about themselves but I envy them, I Envy people for knowing that you want to be one way or another.

I wake up every morning and I have a crisis.. what do i wear, who AM I? WHAT AM I? How will people see me? And sometimes I just cry.

I don't know where I stand.

Sorry this is a self-absorbed rant.. rants suck. :(

[AllieSF]

Hi Wren,

Actually, I think that you may have it better than many who are on the line (who they are conflict) here. At least you know what you want. Maybe instead of feeling upset, try to look at what you have as a gift, whereby you are able to enjoy both sides of yourself. Just think, you can be a woman when you want, a guy with some different equipment, or just be androgynous. We are always talking on this site about passing, but in my opinion, passing should be primarily mental (self confidence) and only partly physical in how you appeaar to others. If you are confident in yourself, you will then be better able to enjoy yourself however you may decide to dress and act. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with a femme FTM, or a guyish MTF. It is really not what others think, but only what you think. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

[Alana65]

Wren,

My heart goes out to you because I feel (in a lot of ways) like you.......just in the other direction. Please take comfort in knowing that you're not alone. :hugs:

[Ze]

Sometimes it's great, sometimes it sucks.

I've said that I love being between the two genders but REALLY REALLY it just BLOODY MOTHER****ING SUCKS.

I feel like this pitiful half creature. I can't and won't ever fit into a socially constructed vision of woman. I also REFUSE to alter my hormonal state to become a socially constructed vision of a man.

I want my breasts, I love my curves, I dont' want a working penis, but I do want to walk down the street and have someone say 'hey dude, there's a boy walking down that street'

But I can't complain because I don't want to fully transition. I KNOW i would get to a point where I'd miss my female self. I have switches between the two genders and I can't predict them.

Right now I'm between them, and just looking at all the pictures kicking around on this forum I am so happy for everyone who is transitioning or feeling good about themselves but I envy them, I Envy people for knowing that you want to be one way or another.

I wake up every morning and I have a crisis.. what do i wear, who AM I? WHAT AM I? How will people see me? And sometimes I just cry.

I don't know where I stand.

Sorry this is a self-absorbed rant.. rants suck. :(

I daresay I know exactly where you're coming from. :hugs: It seems like, just with me, you're completely cool with yourself; the issues are coming from how stupid society is with who you are. If they could just accept a more ambiguous version of gender, we'd be much better off.

I hope you feel better soon. :hugs:

[_Alex_]

I feel similarly to you. I get the frustration. I've wrote many long rants about it :p Sometimes ranting helps though. I hope you feel better and more sure soon :)

[KimberlyS]

WOW Wren sounds like some struggles I have had but from the other side. And a good rant can be good if it helps you to work through things.

I have come to accept I am a male with many feminine likes, personalities, traits and physical characteristics. No we do not fit into societies two gender definition. But I have come to learn society is more accepting than we think they are. Yes there will always be the hot heads, bullies, and others that do not like any one that is different. But in general most are fairly accepting or tolerating.

I agree very much with Allie that so much of being TG is self acceptance attitude that it is ok to be who you are as a person.

kim
joe in a skirt

[ZenFrost]

The frustration of living in a binary centric society... I'm sorry you have to go through that. :hugs: Life would be so much easier if society didn't view gender as unchangeable absolutes, but it's doubtful that's going to happen anytime soon, if ever. :sadp:

[Leo Lane]

I know what you mean. I often feel the same way.

Mary Renault's novel The Persian Boy is a fictionalised account of the love affair between Alexander the Great and a young Persian eunuch. The eunuch, who narrates, is a perpetual boy because he's been castrated -- "I will never be a man" he says repeatedly. I empathise with him a lot, and I think his creator Renault did too.

[Joanne f]

I am sure that in time you will know exactly what you want to be , but in the mean time just think of it this way , you are 2 so that makes you twice as good any 1 person .
OK but it still makes it hard to know what to put on in the morning, i have the same problem :daydreaming::lol:

[SpikeEnigmaSlash]

Hug: I feel kinda the same as you do, just recently I found "genderqueer" works for me or two-spirited. whatever. :) it's easier for me since I'm between the two as well.

glad I'm not alone and I took the big step in joining this board in hopes of having acceptance I might not have else where.



-Spike.)
full new name for now is spike enigma slash

engima cause I'm like you always changing

and slash for non conforming and the love of slash fic..


I hope what I posted was apporprate. if not, I'm sorry.

[handyman]

Sometimes it's great, sometimes it sucks.

I've said that I love being between the two genders but REALLY REALLY it just BLOODY MOTHER****ING SUCKS.

I feel like this pitiful half creature. I can't and won't ever fit into a socially constructed vision of woman. I also REFUSE to alter my hormonal state to become a socially constructed vision of a man.

I want my breasts, I love my curves, I dont' want a working penis, but I do want to walk down the street and have someone say 'hey dude, there's a boy walking down that street'

But I can't complain because I don't want to fully transition. I KNOW i would get to a point where I'd miss my female self. I have switches between the two genders and I can't predict them.

Right now I'm between them, and just looking at all the pictures kicking around on this forum I am so happy for everyone who is transitioning or feeling good about themselves but I envy them, I Envy people for knowing that you want to be one way or another.

I wake up every morning and I have a crisis.. what do i wear, who AM I? WHAT AM I? How will people see me? And sometimes I just cry.

I don't know where I stand.

Sorry this is a self-absorbed rant.. rants suck. :(


Wren,
I've been "transitioning" for several years now. I realized I don't want surgery for many reasons. So, in that sense, I really don't "fit in" anywhere either. But I did discover that I can simply be me and people are fine with that, at home, at work, and out in the public. Being confident in who you are is what counts. Just think, you can offer the best of both worlds!

[Suzy Harrison]

We are all slowy changing as we get older - and the way you feel now will be quite different to the way you will feel about yourself in say, 5 years time

A few years ago I felt hafway too. I loved dressing as a female - but certainly didn't want to be one - and I used to love just being able to slob out as a guy. But I changed - and so will you.

So please don't distress yourself over this. I always thought of it as a gift - being able to enjoy both sides of the gender divide

:hugs: Suzy

[handyman]

Well said Suzy. That's kind of what I was trying to say "being able to enjoy both sides...."

[Kitty Sue]

Hey there. I too understand where u are coming from but as from the other side. It is important to realize that I (and everybody here) is not alone. I have another friend and he is trying to accept that he maybe gay.

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with ranting. It lets me know that people are human and I like hearing how people are feeling on a daily basis. So thank you for a warm, honest and important thread. Take care and all the best, KS.

[Cloas]

Humm,I know things must be a struggle for you to say the least. If you do not feel that you are completly man nor completly a woman,eventually at some point you must accept the fact that you are human so you can live with some type of relief and self-happiness. Have you considered embracing the fact that you may be androgynous?