Honesty is the best policy

[Crysten]

As I read through the forums here, i keep seeing the same issue come up - people not being honest, especially with their spouses.

I can't imagine how/why anyone would want to hide themselves away.

Possibly, with kids it's a different story, (I haven't come out to my kids yet, even though I'm sure they're aware). But with my spouse, well, she's my spouse. How could I hide?

Comments?

Crysten

[subaru_forster]

On one hand, I feel sorry for anyone who is ashamed of themselves enough to the point of hiding something like this from someone as intimate as their spouse. Society has made this a very difficult situation, almost artificially and from scratch.

But on the other hand, there is a lack of trust involved in hiding something like this, not to mention the dishonesty. I can't imagine how anyone can stand to maintain a relationship on false pretensions.

IMO, the worst you can get by following the path of being honest with yourself is a lot better than the best you can get by living your entire life so deep in the closet that those who are closest to you don't even know who you are.

This is just me though.

[Ujean1998]

Although I myself do not have any children. I do think that a child no matter if they are grown or still young, they want their parents to accept them more than anything in the world for what they do. You are their role model and have always laid down a foundation of guidance. So I guess what I am trying to say is off of my own personal perspective from the way I feel about my father and our relation as father and son, is that whatever might come around in life I know I will always accept him for who he is, who he aspires to be. I tend to think the parent is always more critical of the child rather than the child being critical of the parent.

I know that if my father approached me with an issue of such importance and wanting to be accepted for who he is I would do everything in my being to let him know that I love him for his essence as a person. My understanding would stem from his confiding in me rather than hiding from me, but I do also know some relations are not as good as others and that some tact in other situations must be used. Depending on your personal relation of your children.

Hope it helps!

[bemusedwife]

Often I wish I did not know.

[Kelli Michelle]

As I read through the forums here, i keep seeing the same issue come up - people not being honest, especially with their spouses.

I can't imagine how/why anyone would want to hide themselves away.

Possibly, with kids it's a different story, (I haven't come out to my kids yet, even though I'm sure they're aware). But with my spouse, well, she's my spouse. How could I hide?

Comments?

Crysten

It's nothing to do with "wanting" to hide themselves, clearly. Most would love to share that side with their wife/so, imho. There are many obvious reasons why they don't. All you have to do is look at the many posts to find a reason: guilt, non-acceptance, hate, divorce, job loss, not wanting to hurt a spouse, kids, etc. I understand and empathise with those who don't tell.

These are plenty of good reasons to hide the activity, though I believe in the long run, honesty is the best policy. I mean, it must be pretty difficult, going through 10,20,30 yrs. or more hiding something like that. For me, life isn't worth the pain that would cause. I would rather get it out in the open, work on it, and see where it leads us. If things go badly....well, maybe that's for the best. I am only speaking of myself, of course. Others have to make their own decisions, based on their unique circumstances. I definitely don't approve of the cheating part, that's taboo to me. Still, we are ALL human. "Let he/she who is without sin, cast the first stone...."

[AmberDay]

I told my wife before we got married, but ironicly there are times she wish I never told her. I think if I didn't tell her I would have more time to dress; she wouldn't stay at home all the time to keep me from dressing.

[kellycan27]

I don't advocate hiding and secret keeping. then again I don't look down on those who feel they must for whatever reason. I have not walked in their shoes. it's unfortunate for some to have to live like that, and I feel for them. Not just the cd'er but the SO also.

[Nena]

Listen to what the girls here are saying and on other threads. Understand the agony that many go through, first to reach a point where they accept themselves. After all, you cannot expect others to accept you until you have reached some level of self-acceptance. After that comes the struggle of coming out to others. It is a process. Many CDs were not at a point of self-acceptance at the time when they met their wives to be. Even if they were, the getting to know you period is full of anxiety and anticipation. We want the other person to like us. The point is, there is no good time to broach this subject. The fear of rejection is often times overwhelming.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all born hardwired to accept ourselves as we are?

Nena GG

[subaru_forster]

Listen to what the girls here are saying and on other threads. Understand the agony that many go through, first to reach a point where they accept themselves. After all, you cannot expect others to accept you until you have reached some level of self-acceptance. After that comes the struggle of coming out to others. It is a process. Many CDs were not at a point of self-acceptance at the time when they met their wives to be. Even if they were, the getting to know you period is full of anxiety and anticipation. We want the other person to like us. The point is, there is no good time to broach this subject. The fear of rejection is often times overwhelming.

Wouldn't it be nice if we all born hardwired to accept ourselves as we are?

Nena GG

As a crossdresser, I am quite intimate with the agony and process of self-acceptance you just described. I appreciate your empathetic sentiments, but I still think it doesn't make being less than truthful to your SO any more helpful, and I still feel that it's on us to be responsible for who we are.

[gennee]

I told my wife when she found m stuff. I told her everything. I told my son a year later. They are both accepting.

Gennee

[Joanne f]

It is not just a question of looking down on yourself, it is more of a question of calculated risk assessment .
Some have taken that risk and lost all whereas some have gained all , yes honesty is best but unfortunately it is not always possible in the way that we would like it .

[Crysten]

I agree the self acceptance thing is important. I crossed that bridge when I was about 22 I guess, well before I met my wife. Buy clothes, purge, buy clothes, purge, then I was walking down the street one day and thought "well, I better accept this and press on".

That's about the size of that.

But it did make it hugely easier to come out to my wife (new GF at the time).

Crysten