To tell or not to tell, that is the question?

[BekiJ]

Last week, the posts seemed to be “now I know I can’t tell my wife.” This week’s posts are “honesty is best.” Seems to go back and forth.

We seem to have two factions here:

1) Honesty at all costs
2) Don’t ask/don’t tell

I know there will be overlaps in these overly generalized generalizations. I know I am going to piss some people off.

Faction 1 feels a need to promote telling your SO, regardless of the consequences. After all, if they really loved you, they would accept this side of you. Yeah, what woman doesn’t love a man in a dress?

Faction 2 realizes that there will be consequences in telling their SO.

Faction 1 needs to be “out there” in the world.

Faction 2, for whatever reason (lower level of desire to cd, fear, shyness, ...add your own reason here... chooses to remain hidden and does not want to be out.

So, Faction 1, if you tell your SO, why are you doing it? Don’t read this as bad or wrong. You are doing it for selfish reasons. You want to CD, and you are choosing to risk your relationship for it. A choice and a risk you have decided to take because your desire is so strong.

And Faction 2 (guilty as charged), is also not telling for selfish reasons. We don’t want to risk our relationship. I have said this before. I accept my self imposed limitations of cding. Obviously my desires are not as strong as those who in habit Faction 1.

For those stuck in Faction 2, with the desires of Faction 1, you have my best wishes that you can work it out. I cannot begin to understand how hard that would be.

Yes, the secret is a burden. But it is not a burden that is better shared. Why would I want to place this burden on my wife also.

And I would not want the world to know. There would be personal, social, financial, etc., consequences that I am not willing to endure.

So, if you are in Faction 1, before you advise some one to be “honest,” consider the consquences of that advise. It is good advice at the very beginning of a relationship, but could be disastrous after that relationship has been established.

Hugs
BekiJ

[Carroll]

So, Faction 1, if you tell your SO, why are you doing it? Don’t read this as bad or wrong. You are doing it for selfish reasons. You want to CD, and you are choosing to risk your relationship for it. A choice and a risk you have decided to take because your desire is so strong.


I read that as arrogent. I completely disagree with that comment. I told my wife on the second date, not because I wanted to CD. I had no strong desire to dress at the time. I told her because it showed her that I was going to be 100% honest with her through the relationship, however long it lasted (11 years and counting). I also told her so if I ever did get a strong desire to dress, she would know about it before hand.

Once again someone has tried to color a CD's world as black and white:Angry3:

[Sarah...]

Hmmm. Selfish for telling and selfish for not telling. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. What a pessimistic view. :sad:

If you wanted to make a serious point, BekiJ, then I think you have failed because you have created far too many generalisations in your post and they make it meaningless. Unfortunately the point has been lost.

Perhaps we all need to take a much deeper look at the "consequences" of honesty. What does it really mean for our lives and the lives of those we love and respect? One of the first responsibilities of honesty is that of sitting back and properly listening to those that we are honest with. Then maybe we can begin to understand what the next steps will be.

I have been honest with my whole family - 20 or so people. And a lot of people who aren't family too. This has been very, very, very difficult - I won't say otherwise - however we are all now reaping the rewards of being honest with each other.

Sarah...

[tricia_uktv]

I told because I had to, its as simple as that.

[kellycan27]

As good a rationilization as I have seen. this question does pop up a lot, a lot of faction 1 and a lot of faction 2. always good arguements on both sides of the fence. I am thinking that this is one of those situations where we just have to agree to disagree. But playing point,counter point can be interesting also.

[Ruth]

It's trite but true: life is not easy. Some things that we need to do are difficult. If you are in a marriage relationship, secrets like a CDing habit are a slow poison to the relationship.
Telling may not be easy (though it may be easier than you fear) but not telling carries a long term penalty that may kick in at any time.
OK, it's easy for me to say. I've told my wife: but I believe absolutely that it was the right thing to do.

[sherib]

It's better to tell. If she starts seeing signs she may think you cheating on her. Or she will think your keeping secrets an now she can't trust you. It's better to find out from you han for her to guess. Either way, she has to make up her mind wheather she's going to accept it or not.

[sandybanks]

Your arguments are reasonably logical. Unfortunately logic is a negative test for truth. Everybody is different and in different situations. The only thing I can say is what I know from personal experience. I was married twice and am now with a wonderful woman. She has bought me panties and hosiery for the last year. In the last 2 months she has started to buy me outer clothing. She gets turned on by it. So do I by the way!
However she doesn't like me on this site. I don't know where I am going with this and probably she doesn't either. I was in 2 ultimately unhappy relationships before this. You have only one go on the roundabout. Life is for living!

[TSchapes]

Faction 1 feels a need to promote telling your SO, regardless of the consequences. After all, if they really loved you, they would accept this side of you. Yeah, what woman doesn’t love a man in a dress? Am I right Di?

I never said that. I know what the consequences may be. It may be very hard for a wife to accept. I advocate you tell before you get married. If not then, then at some point because you will be found out and it will be worse. I believe if you took a poll of the GG's on the board here, I think they would say they would prefer to know than have their loved ones keep this secret from them. And believe it or not, there are women that do love a man in a dress!


Faction 2 realizes that there will be consequences in telling their SO.

Both factions know this. No pain, no gain!

There's also consequences to the whole transgender community when you hide away. Faction two keeps saying "woe is me", but they can't even come out to their SO? "Yea Tracy, tell everyone that's a great idea, you go first!" So it doesn't get better...


Faction 1 needs to be “out there” in the world.

I don't need to be out there. In fact I don't even think everybody needs to know about Tracy. However, I will not hide away and will not lie about the fact that I am a crossdresser. The more people that get to know us, the better it will be for the next person trying to come out.


Faction 2, for whatever reason (lower level of desire to cd, fear, shyness, ...add your own reason here... chooses to remain hidden and does not want to be out.

You can rationalize anything...


So, Faction 1, if you tell your SO, why are you doing it? Don’t read this as bad or wrong. You are doing it for selfish reasons. You want to CD, and you are choosing to risk your relationship for it. A choice and a risk you have decided to take because your desire is so strong.

First of all, I am compelled to cross-dress (yes, my desire is strong) like so many here. It is not a choice. Tracy is a part of my personality and I feel it's necessary to express it. Otherwise, I would become more depressed and not wish to live if I could not cross-dress. Selfish? As in self-preservation? OK, if self-preservation is selfish, then guilty as charged.


And Faction 2 (guilty as charged), is also not telling for selfish reasons. We don’t want to risk our relationship. I have said this before. I accept my self imposed limitations of cding. Obviously my desires are not as strong as those who in habit Faction 1.

It is certainly your choice, I've only advocated openness as a growing process.


For those stuck in Faction 2, with the desires of Faction 1, you have my best wishes that you can work it out. I cannot begin to understand how hard that would be.

There are plenty of threads on this board where it turned out to be a lot simpler than they had anticipated.


Yes, the secret is a burden. But it is not a burden that is better shared. Why would I want to place this burden on my wife also.

And I would not want the world to know. There would be personal, social, financial, etc., consequences that I am not willing to endure.

This is a chicken and an egg situation. We hide away, so no knows about us. We can't come out because no one understands us, because we don't make ourselves visible and try and get society to change. And society is not going to change by some magic process. So here we are...


So, if you are in Faction 1, before you advise some one to be “honest,” consider the consquences of that advise. It is good advice at the very beginning of a relationship, but could be disastrous after that relationship has been established.

Hugs
BekiJ

If it's disastrous after, what is the relationship built upon?

I don't see how we will ever progress unless we at least come out to those that are most close to us. If we can't educate our loved ones, how will we ever educate the rest of the world?

-Tracy

[Tora]

Another complex run at this topic, I must defer to the local knowledge. A few of us 30 to 40 years ago, did not understand this Hobby. What has resulted is decades of deception, which would be hard to explain and justify to the persons who mean the most to us. Last week, the I know I could never tell the wife quote, because of her expressed opinion on crossdressing. If it were a perfect would, honesty would previal.

There is a new member signing on to the site who is still a teenager. I wish I had the site when I was 19. A different path might have been offered.

It is a CD thing, I did not understand in 1968.

[Sheila]

Last week, the posts seemed to be “now I know I can’t tell my wife.” This week’s posts are “honesty is best.” Seems to go back and forth.

We seem to have two factions here:

1) Honesty at all costs
2) Don’t ask/don’t tell

So, if you are in Faction 1, before you advise some one to be “honest,” consider the consquences of that advise. It is good advice at the very beginning of a relationship, but could be disastrous after that relationship has been established.

Hugs
BekiJ

okay I am the EX so of a faction 2 ........ he did not tell I found out and trust me the consequences were not good ................. would I rather he had been a faction 1 ..... bet your life I would have ....... then I would have had choices, and truast me I would rather he had told me long before i discovered his cding ............... he lied & he lied and he Lied ...... he lied even in the admission of being a cdr ................

Faction 1 win for me everytime .... by the way yes I knew Deborah Jabe was a CDER when we began out relationship .... could hardly have missed that as we met on here after my previous CDing relationship bit the dust :D

[Alice B]

My relationship with my wife is based upon being completely honest. As a result it is a very strong marriage and friendship. This includes my being open with her about Alice and over time we have reached an acceptable working arrangement. It may not be everything I would want as Alice, but it is good. To be dishonest or hide anything from my wife would be the worst thing I could ever do. She does not tolerate anyone that is dishonest, in all aspects of life.

[sherib]

Weather you tell now or tell later, you will probably get the same reaction. She going to say it's okay or she's going to dislike it. Either way the disicion is going to be her feelings about cross dressing. I think it's better to find out about her feeling now instead of finding out 10 years from now. Then its going to be harder on both people if they break up or after they've started a family.

[grace@4]

l been CD for over seven yrs but never told anyone about it so l would rather keep it to myself maybe will tell my future girlfriend before we move on so she can understand my feelings better than giving a surprise dressing:

[Kolokea GG]

I think that honesty is the best thing. A lie is a lie and An omission is just as bad as a lie in my eyes. What kind of relationship can anyone have based on lies. Eventually the truth will bite you on the butt and the longer you wait the bigger hole you have to dig yourself out of.

[Sheila]

Just because you didn’t speak the facts out loud didn’t erase their existence. Silence was just a quieter way to lie
and in my opinion a dangerous way to go ...... but like I said just my :2c:

[softer side]

I've lived both and in my marriage, full disclosure has been bliss!
She'd prefer it wasn't part of our lives but would rather know everything than have it hidden from her.
I'm a much better person for it too and she is reaping the benefits as well. All of our spare time together is together. When she comes home, the computer/TV goes off and we actually spend time together!
It may have its consequences but knowing what I know now; I regret not being honest from day one.
She deserves to accept it, deal with it or run away instead of living with a lie.
You deserve to be yourself.
If you asked me ten years ago, I may have said keep it to yourself. I'm older and wiser now have more appreciation for trust and honesty.

[Kelli Michelle]

Honesty is best. Let's start with that. However, Honesty is a two-edged sword. It's sorta funny that it seems that most, if not all those people that profess that (honesty at all costs), are in good relationships (either with a cder, or the cder herself). You don't hear that from people that "told" and had severe repercussions (divorce, work issues, etc) or live with someone that still hates it. It's time to be fair. Yes, I know life isn't fair...let's not throw out trite plattitudes, please. I mean once you are accepted, after telling, of course you will profess that honesty is best. I understand that. But, imho, that is the exception (the acceptance I mean)rather than the rule.

Though I, personally, have been honest, I can see the other side. Frankly, I never wanted to spend my life hiding this. It's too difficult, too stressful, and I would be denying a part of me.

I think how hard it must be for someone to actually hide this from their spouse/so, especially if they are in a currently "good" relationship. They want to tell, are worried sick about it, and feel guilty when they don't tell.

I guess I am saying each person is entitled to make decisions based on what they think best, and shouldn't be considered (insert cutting remark).

I know many ggs have been hurt badly by the lies, and there is no getting around that.

Many people are hurt by the lies, including the cder.

[CharlotteW]

OK I skipped a few responses but here's mine anyway.

If we cannot be completely open and honest with everyone around us (including ourselves), we can never be truly and totally accepted.

Proof.......

Imagine this.....if every crossdressr in the world headed to their local major city on Friday 10th of March and every day thereafter, thereby grabbing the headlines by jamming up the news outlets with CD reports and stories, the whole world would be fed up with CD'ers within three days and CD'ing would almost be 'normal' within a week. In fact, designers would be falling over themselves to come up with new ideas for female style attire for the male body shape.

Come to think about it, now I understand why gays and lesbians have parades like the one in Manchester.

Just my 2p

[koolgirlkrazy]

[QUOTE=Kelli Michelle;1674676]Honesty is best.
You don't hear that from people that "told" and had severe repercussions (divorce, work issues, etc) or live with someone that still hates it.

I can tell you from that perception...
I was until very recently married (now Separated and headed to divorce).
I did the whole hiding thing, omission, and so on, but when she did find out... Katie bar the door!! that was 2 years ago.
We tried to work it out she a cdso type site. But about 3 months ago decided that this was all in my head and I could quit anytime I wanted! (yeah right)!
So as one of the ones that wasn't upfront I now am going through my 2nd divorce and we have kids involved.
So by all means my opinion is to be as up front as much as you are comfortable with.
I am just a newbie here but thats my story in a nutshell.
Thanks for reading.
Briana

[Lorileah]

Do they still have 2p?

Interesting concept but I think the timing is off. Just look at the 60's. It would take years not days but it would be a start.

Honesty is totally relationship dependent. Each relationship has its happy medium as to what is said and when. A relationship that is totally honest is doomed because we are human and as the line in the movie goes "You can't handle the truth". There is a time and place. And a way. That seems to be the major problem, timing.

Most relationships are built on half truths and lies. Omissions maybe more than lies. Can you imagine the first date? "Hi I am ... and I like dressing in women's clothes. When I was 7 I stole a candy bar and once I took my parents car and drove off a cliff. Did I mention I tried (drugs)? Oh yeah, the last woman I dated was ugly".

It comes down to comfort on both parts. We can and should not divulge every detail until the time is right. We know that we are pariahs in the general public's eye. For a long time we have been portrayed as perverts or clown by the mainstream media. Women who can see past this are rare.

My opinion has been posted here many times. Love is blind, and often deaf and mute too. I vote for telling...sometime, but you have to pick your time. And you should not do it as "in your face".

[RobynP]

BekiJ,

When I was first married, I was definitely in the “now I know I can’t tell my wife” camp for a variety of reasons... I look back now and wonder why I didn't say anything before we got married...

Let's look the issue from a long term perspective: You have two choices: to tell your wife or to keep it from her. For the sake of simplicity, there are three possible results: your marriage is improved, there is no change in your relationship, or your marriage ends. In summary:


............... Tell .............. Don’t Tell
Improve........ Possible .......... No
No Change...... Possible .......... Possible
End............ Possible .......... Possible

If you tell, your marriage MAY improve! How many wives have said, "I wish you told me earlier!" If you don't tell, there is NO WAY your marriage is going to improve...

Yes, your marriage may end (worst case) if you do tell and this is a fear shared by many of us. However, your marriage may end if you do not tell. What will happen if your wife catches you crossdressed, finds your clothes, or finds out you are on here? The issue is now totally out of your control.

Personally, I think one is very naive if they think a) they will never be caught or b) their clothes never found in the long run... And while one is hiding all this, they subject themselves to a tremendous amount of stress. Stress causes a huge number of physical and emotional issues.

You state:

And Faction 2 (guilty as charged), is also not telling for selfish reasons. We don’t want to risk our relationship.
If you honestly feel that your relationship is not strong enough to deal with crossdressing, I recommend that you and your wife start today on a plan to strengthen your relationship. In the grand scheme of things, certainly a crossdressing spouse is a significant issue but there are many other larger issues that can attack and destroy a marriage.

You state:

Yes, the secret is a burden. But it is not a burden that is better shared. Why would I want to place this burden on my wife also.
When your wife agreed to marry you, she agreed to share your burdens no matter what they might be... totally, honestly, and without reservation. That's why...

And I would not want the world to know. There would be personal, social, financial, etc., consequences that I am not willing to endure.

I would never advocate to anyone that the whole world has to know... But your wife, your best friend, your most intimate friend, your lover needs to know...

This is a typical "guy" thing... How many of us men are comfortable sharing anything serious or "deep" with anyone one-to-one? Let's face it, that is not how we were raised by our fathers. Sure, we have buddies who might be really good friends, but we probably share about 1% of ourselves with them.

On the other side, women are raised in a sharing environment. And women share most everything with their best women friends...

Our reluctance to share ourselves totally is because we never really learned how to do it and we probably don't do it very well... For most women, sharing comes easily and naturally...

After I told my wife about my crossdressing, it took awhile before we were both comfortable for her to see me crossdressed. When we talked while I was crossdressed, it became a lot easier for me to open up and talk about things with her... Once I was back in my guy clothes, my ability to share disappeared... Very strange....

This is a very complex issue with no easy answers...

Robyn

[Kelli Michelle]

BekiJ,

Let's look the issue from a long term perspective: You have two choices: to tell your wife or to keep it from her. For the sake of simplicity, there are three possible results: your marriage is improved, there is no change in your relationship, or your marriage ends. In summary:


............... Tell .............. Don’t TellImprove........ Possible .......... No
No Change...... Possible .......... Possible
End............ Possible .......... Possible


If you tell, your marriage MAY improve! How many wives have said, "I wish you told me earlier!" If you don't tell, there is NO WAY your marriage is going to improve...You left out one (a major one), where the marriage stays intact, with the wife disapproving. Another point that I think is important to make is that all the results are not equally probable. More than likely the marriage will have problems or end in divorce, if you tell. In my opinion, those are the two most likely scenarios. So your results are kinda faulty.


Yes, your marriage may end (worst case) if you do tell and this is a fear shared by many of us. However, your marriage may end if you do not tell. What will happen if your wife catches you crossdressed, finds your clothes, or finds out you are on here? The issue is now totally out of your control.

I don't suspect that the majority of wives would have said, "I wish you had told me sooner..." at least in a good way. I agree it definitely could end if you don't tell her.


You state:


When your wife agreed to marry you, she agreed to share your burdens no matter what they might be... totally, honestly, and without reservation. That's why...

I would never advocate to anyone that the whole world has to know... But your wife, your best friend, your most intimate friend, your lover needs to know...

She also agreed to love you, right? So, theoretically, all wives should accept the CDing, but alas, that's just not true.


[COLOR="Blue"]This is a typical "guy" thing... How many of us men are comfortable sharing anything serious or "deep" with anyone one-to-one? Let's face it, that is not how we were raised by our fathers. Sure, we have buddies who might be really good friends, but we probably share about 1% of ourselves with them.

On the other side, women are raised in a sharing environment. And women share most everything with their best women friends...

Our reluctance to share ourselves totally is because we never really learned how to do it and we probably don't do it very well... For most women, sharing comes easily and naturally...
Robyn

Well, not only only is this sexist, but waaay to general, imo to warrant too much discussion. Individually, many of us are capable, and do share many things with our wives and SOs. That's just my opinion, of course I could be wrong

[Ralph]

Last week, the posts seemed to be “now I know I can’t tell my wife.” This week’s posts are “honesty is best.” Seems to go back and forth.
Wow. So many generalizations and oversimplifications and assumptions about what thoughts go through other people's heads... I don't know where to begin.

Nothing is going back and forth. Nobody is (likely) changing his/her mind. What you're seeing is someone will make a statement positing one viewpoint, and a whole lot of debate following with each person stating his/her reason for that point of view. The week that began the "now I know I can't tell my wife" thread saw more than enough discussion on both sides of the debate.


Faction 1 feels a need to promote telling your SO, regardless of the consequences. After all, if they really loved you, they would accept this side of you. Yeah, what woman doesn’t love a man in a dress?

Faction 2 realizes that there will be consequences in telling their SO.
You don't think "Faction 1" realizes this? I can't speak for the others, but my reason for telling my SO was simple: I do. Not. Lie. To. My. Wife. Ever. I told her *before* we were married, so if it was something that made her uncomfortable, she could back out then and there, no hard feelings. I told her so that there would not be any confrontations years later when she discovered what I had been hiding from her and was hurt by the realization that I did not trust her and was not open with her.

I knew perfectly well when I told her, that she could have said that was more than she could deal with.


Faction 1 needs to be “out there” in the world.
What??? My wife (and two previous girlfriends that I nearly married) know, and nobody else. I have no desire to be out anywhere.


And Faction 2 (guilty as charged), is also not telling for selfish reasons. We don’t want to risk our relationship.
But that's exactly what you're doing. One way or another, your SO will find out. If you are upfront about it, she will not feel betrayed the way she will when -- not if -- you slip up (no pun intended) and she finds out on her own.


Yes, the secret is a burden. But it is not a burden that is better shared. Why would I want to place this burden on my wife also.
Because she is an adult and deserves the chance to make her own decisions about how to react?


And I would not want the world to know. There would be personal, social, financial, etc., consequences that I am not willing to endure.
No argument. I haven't done a thorough study of the responses on this forum, but I think you'll find that most of the folks who advocate telling your wife still hide it from the rest of the world, for the very reasons you cite. But my wife is different - my wife is part of me and part of my life. You know, the whole "the two shall become one flesh" thing.


So, if you are in Faction 1, before you advise some one to be “honest,” consider the consquences of that advise. It is good advice at the very beginning of a relationship, but could be disastrous after that relationship has been established.
As noted previously, I was well aware when I told that it could end the relationship, but I was willing to accept that because I did not want to trap my wife in a lie. If she could be happier not married to a crossdresser, I love her enough to want that happiness for her even if it means losing her (and my own happiness) as a result.

Absolutely, the longer you put it off the worse it will be if you do tell... but telling her yourself - no matter how far into the relationship - is still going to be better than when (not if) she finds out on her own. By telling her yourself, you can show that you are taking the initiative to stop the lies. If you only admit it after she catches you, she has every reason to believe you would have continued to lie if you had not been caught, and she has no reason to believe that you will not continue to lie about something or other now that you have been caught.


I did the whole hiding thing, omission, and so on, but when she did find out... Katie bar the door!! that was 2 years ago.
We tried to work it out she a cdso type site. But about 3 months ago decided that this was all in my head and I could quit anytime I wanted! (yeah right)!
So as one of the ones that wasn't upfront I now am going through my 2nd divorce and we have kids involved.
So by all means my opinion is to be as up front as much as you are comfortable with.
Kool, you are making it sound like telling your wife was the cause of the problems, but it wasn't. Getting caught after hiding it from her was the problem. There is no "up front as much as you are comfortable with", there is either be truthful or continue lying until you get caught. If she believed that it was something you could easily choose to give up, it sounds like you needed to give her more resources on the subject so she could understand us better, and/or see a counselor together.[/QUOTE]

And finally

She also agreed to love you, right? So, theoretically, all wives should accept the CDing, but alas, that's just not true.
Loving someone and fully accepting every facet about that person are not the same thing. My wife can't stand the fact that I don't remember 90% of the things she tells me; I can forget a grocery list or an appointment like nobody's business, and we have had some serious roof-raising "discussions" on the subject. Each of us has traits so annoying that if we had known about them before we got married, we might have chosen otherwise. But our love for each other is still more important than living without those annoying traits.

Contrariwise, there are some habits that are too unpleasant for each of us to be able to live with no matter what. I was quite fond of one person, perhaps even loved her and could definitely see us married, but she was a heavy smoker. All the love in the world would not make it possible for me to endure the smoking. In the same way, if I discovered that Mrs. Ralph had taken up smoking, or joined the KKK, or liked to buy kittens from the pet store so she could drive over them in the street, I would have to leave her. I love her very, very much and it would be heartbreaking, but I would not be able to stay married to her under those circumstances.

So yeah, someone who loves you still may not be able to put up with the crossdressing... and that should be her choice to make.

I'm not going to condemn those who disagree with me, but I do object to being told my opinion on honesty is based on not considering the consequences first.

ralph

[JoAnne Wheeler]

It is better to know up front if the relationship will proceed after the

disclosure. Not telling is only going to cause bigger problems in the future.

JoAnne Wheeler

[sherib]

No matter what anybody say here, you'll have to make up your own mind as to when is the best time. Weather you tell her now or later the next biggest thing is how you tell her. I think that was just as hard as deciding to tell her.

[Kelli Michelle]

Loving someone and fully accepting every facet about that person are not the same thing. My wife can't stand the fact that I don't remember 90% of the things she tells me; I can forget a grocery list or an appointment like nobody's business, and we have had some serious roof-raising "discussions" on the subject. Each of us has traits so annoying that if we had known about them before we got married, we might have chosen otherwise. But our love for each other is still more important than living without those annoying traits.

Contrariwise, there are some habits that are too unpleasant for each of us to be able to live with no matter what. I was quite fond of one person, perhaps even loved her and could definitely see us married, but she was a heavy smoker. All the love in the world would not make it possible for me to endure the smoking. In the same way, if I discovered that Mrs. Ralph had taken up smoking, or joined the KKK, or liked to buy kittens from the pet store so she could drive over them in the street, I would have to leave her. I love her very, very much and it would be heartbreaking, but I would not be able to stay married to her under those circumstances.

So yeah, someone who loves you still may not be able to put up with the crossdressing... and that should be her choice to make.

I'm not going to condemn those who disagree with me, but I do object to being told my opinion on honesty is based on not considering the consequences first.

ralph

I hear what you are saying. Is cding an annyoying habit though, or more? I suppose you could say it's an annoying "hobby" but for many it's much more than a trait. Also, let's not take the analogies too far. Cding is in no way like running over cats, or joining the KKK. Come on, you didn't mean that did you?

My comments on love accepting all were sorta tongue in cheek really, because there are many here that feel that way.

Let's be clear, too. You are saying total honesty, all the time, despite any consequences? I don't mean to read your comments the wrong way, I am asking to find out.

[Ralph]

I hear what you are saying. Is cding an annyoying habit though, or more? I suppose you could say it's an annoying "hobby" but for many it's much more than a trait. Also, let's not take the analogies too far. Cding is in no way like running over cats, or joining the KKK. Come on, you didn't mean that did you?
I'm saying that's how the unwashed masses may view what we do - as some annoying habit on a par with never putting the toilet seat down, or smoking, or kicking puppies (depending on how offended they are by the idea).


Let's be clear, too. You are saying total honesty, all the time, despite any consequences? I don't mean to read your comments the wrong way, I am asking to find out.
Yup. If she asks "does this make me look fat", I'll tell her the truth, albeit in as gentle a way as possible. Obviously this imposes some responsibility on the part of the asker - if she just comes right out and asks "What are you getting me for my birthday", I'll ask if she really wants to blow the surprise and if she does I'll tell her the truth.

Can you suggest any real-life circumstances in which telling your spouse the truth would have more negative consequences than lying? By "real-life" I'm hoping to avoid nonsensical straw man arguments like "A terrorist has a gun pointed at her head and says you must lie or he will kill her instantly". Yes, telling the truth can cause hurt feelings and extreme anger if you tell her something she doesn't want to hear... but I still posit that those consequences aren't nearly as harmful as the alternative, which is to lie and be caught in your lie later.

ralph

[trisha59]

Well, in my little world I dress only when I'm alone. I have no desire to go out, I certainly do not want my wife to see me dressed. Its something I do for my own enjoyment. So did I tell my wife I dress. YES. Why? For the simple reason that sooner or later I would make a mistake and she would find something. There is no comparison between the uncomfortable talk I had with her and what she would be thinking if she found something and didn't know it belonged to me. We all have become experts in hiding things and covering our tracks but one day you will mess up and when that happens wouldn't it be best if she knew?

[socute]

I think that honesty is the best thing. A lie is a lie and An omission is just as bad as a lie in my eyes. What kind of relationship can anyone have based on lies. Eventually the truth will bite you on the butt and the longer you wait the bigger hole you have to dig yourself out of.

Huge 2nd.

[Samantha Kelsey]

So, Faction 1, if you tell your SO, why are you doing it? Don’t read this as bad or wrong. You are doing it for selfish reasons. You want to CD, and you are choosing to risk your relationship for it. A choice and a risk you have decided to take because your desire is so strong.


Hi Beki, I can see your logic especially if one has been in a relationship for some time but I think that your comment above is on the wrong track. When you tell you are admitting that you have been deliberately deceiving them for however long. You are admitting that you know this deceite was wrong and tht you were wrong for doing so and that you now want to put that part right. If she finds out by herself later then she will feel even worse and the consequences will also be worse. As for crossdressing well thats something only the CDer can decide. If you don't think theres anything wrong with it then theres no reason to hide it is there?

[Lisa Golightly]

Do what you do and you can only blame yourself with the consequences... Being TS you don't really get the luxury of denial :) I lied about my TS leanings to girlfriends in the past but I wasn't sure then... I never lied about wearing the clothes I wore, in fact I positively promoted the fact that I did. They deserved to have the option to bail, I deserved the option to know 'I' was actually loved.

I couldn't hide... I'm not that personality... it would just eat at me... The biggest sinking moment I felt was when my last ex-girlfriend spoke to me, ages after we split, and I told her I was on hormones... 'But you said you'd never take hormones!' she said and she sounded quite hurt... My heart just sank... It made all those late night conversations about our future seem so vacuous. It still bugs me now... even though she's set to be married and I'm in a new life and don't even like girl's anymore...

I wish I'd told her... but it was my choice... and I do blame myself...

Lisa x