An unexpected turn of events

[Jaydee]

Hi all,
First as a background. I am mostly still in the closet. I have been dressing since I was a teenager. When possible I dress fully minus wigs and makeup. My wife of over 30 years only knows that for the last couple years I have been wearing panties nearly daily and pantyhose when she was not around (they go in the laundry and come back without comment). About a year ago, I started wearing bras also when she wasn't around, but she knows they are in the dresser drawer. Her attitude seemed one of tolerance, more than acceptance, but I could tell she was uncomfortable about it. I had tried to bring it up but she wouldn't take the bait. I was working on baby steps toward coming out.

Last week, when I came back from a business trip from out of town she showed me an article she had seen in the local newspaper concerning Klinefelter's Syndrome (XXY syndrome). She had followed up on the article by doing some research on the internet. She had even printed several pages of information. (This was all the more amazing because she hardly ever uses the computer for anything). We spent some time reading and discussing the material. She thought this could explain my "problem". I must admit that some of the information did seem to fit my situation. I was deeply impressed by her caring, still I couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole story about the extent of my CDing. I may be missing an opportunity, but it is just too difficult to open the closet door so rapidly.

I see cracks coming in the closet door, but it is very scary. It seems that I am now at the crossroads. This has been a secret part of me for so long that even though I understand that I should come clean, it is harder to do in "real life" than theory. My plan for now is to keep the converstion going on the possibility of having XXY syndrome or something similar. Maybe the right opening will happen.

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for listening.

Jaydee

[Phyliss]

Keep working at that closet door, using every tool you can find. One of these days, it'll "pop" open and the world will be yours. ( note: not saying what kind of world it'll be, but it will be yours.)

I know for me it was quite a few years of effort, until I finally got so frustrated at how long it was taking, that I just kicked it down, by walking into the living room fully dressed. Not a pleasant few days, but it's better now.

[Tammi Jean Kaye]

Like you, I peak through the closet door to my wife, but have not come out. She knows some of my feelings, but not all. Like most people, I feel a need to confess all and unload my past to her. However, though I have not done it yet, I plan to simply discuss my feelings with her and let her possibly venture into dressing with me as if I had not done it before. I will then be something we share. She will be a part of it and hopefully it will be her suggestions of how to deal with my feelings. I am sure my prior experience will slip out in the process and confessions will then come out more gently in pieces and be easier. I will know only when I get brave enough to try.

[TGMarla]

I think the whole "Kleinfelter's Syndrome" thing is a lousy idea. You probably do not have trisomy or any other genetic disorders. The best way to approach this, in my humble opinion, is to tell her that you are very moved by her interest and caring, and to reassure her that you have no genetic problems. Then tell her that you like to wear feminine clothing, and that other than that, you are first and foremost, her man and her husband.

[Nena]

I think the whole "Kleinfelter's Syndrome" thing is a lousy idea. You probably do not have trisomy or any other genetic disorders. The best way to approach this, in my humble opinion, is to tell her that you are very moved by her interest and caring, and to reassure her that you have no genetic problems. Then tell her that you like to wear feminine clothing, and that other than that, you are first and foremost, her man and her husband.

This is very good advice. Searching for an external explanation that somehow legitimizes CDing is a strategy used by some in the CD and Trans communities. In the end it only fuels feelings of guilt and isolation. In a sense, it simply is trading one secret for another one.

Nena GG

[Ruth]

Yes, don't encourage the Klinefelter's idea. Klinefelter's people have a characteristic appearance and may have multiple physical and mental problems. You are most unlikely to have it as a married adult and be unaware of it.
You are a man who likes to wear women's clothes, that's all. You don't need a rare and unpleasant genetic disorder to explain it.

[Mary Morgan]

Hon, the idea that this human condition is a disorder is tough to deal with. I would hate to hang my behavior on an understanding that it is disordered. You can do better than that. I agree with the others here. Don't apologize or accept deficiency or abnormalcy as a reason. You are who you are. You are either a good person or not. If you are a good person, than the rest is just icing, or clothing, or whatever. I will try to accommodate other's insecurities to a point, but I will not compromise who or what I am in the process.

[Jaydee]

Thank you for your replies. Just to clarify, it was my wife that suggested that I might have XXY. She was concerned and caring. I don't know if I have it. I have not seen a geneticist or doctor about it, but I have had a lot of the symptoms most of my life (I won't list them here). I am also not an expert but the research we have read indicates that it does come in varying degrees. Only time will tell on that. More importantly, my wifes interest may be leading to an opening to discuss my CDing. This may be the most important aspect.

Thanks again,

Jaydee

[anna kate]

When your "opening" comes, take the bull by the horns and let 'er rip. Do it correctly though, some thought on how you broach the subject to her, can save you a lot of grief down the road. I was married 25 years before I told my wife, I did not do it properly and my marriage almost went down the tube over it. She will have some very pointed questions, answer to the best of your ability. Be straight with her, if you don't know the answer, tell her that. She seems to like research, maybe the two of you can look for the answers together. I'm not a fan of the medical theory, I feel that CD is built in at birth.(maybe the Y chromasome wasn't all the way broke) Environment and circumstance is what brings it out.
Remember, she's not stupid, don't try to pull the wool over her eyes. She sees your things in the wash and cleans them for you. She has a good idea how far along you are. Starting to sound like I'm preaching, so I'm going to stop. Find a local support group too.
Hope all comes out in the wash!

[unclejoann]

My son has an unrelated genetic disorder, and after gene tests we were shown that indeed, it is right there in the genes. But so what? It doesn't change anything, he is still who he is, with all the associated problems.

And so are you. Forget the amateur diagnosis.

[Intertwined]

and to reassure her that you have no genetic problems.

Too reassure someone that you don't have something just because its rare is wrong, what if it turns out Jaydee does have XXY (how ever unlikely) OOOPS.


Yes, don't encourage the Klinefelter's idea. Klinefelter's people have a characteristic appearance and may have multiple physical and mental problems. You are most unlikely to have it as a married adult and be unaware of it.
You are a man who likes to wear women's clothes, that's all. You don't need a rare and unpleasant genetic disorder to explain it.

First, I think everyone has mental problems to some degree, unless you the Dalai Lama.

Second, as for the disorder as you call it, rare, yes, unpleasant? depends on your point of view. I have been married 12 years, adopted my wifes daughter who is now 25, work in a department that has 200+ people, and have been employee of the month, and even employee of the year once, I was diagnosed with Klinefelters Syndrome a little over a year ago.

I agree with most of the people so far in saying, you probably don't have it, its rare, but if you do, its not the end of the world. My diagnosis gave me answers to 45 years worth of questions, starting with why I was sent through kindergarten twice. Not to mention, gave my physician conditions to watch for, and are more likely to be caught early now.

[JulieC]

I don't see anything wrong with Jaydee's wife doing what she's done. I also don't see a problem with entertaining the idea that there might be a intersex condition at work here. There's a dizzying array of them, with klinefelter's being just one. As I recall, there's more than 20 intersex conditions.

I see a wife trying to come to grips with her husband wearing women's clothes. It could be very touching that she's working at this. She might be on the wrong idea with regards to Klinefelter's, but she's trying. She's trying. To that I say "BRAVO!"

Whether Jaydee has any intersex condition or not, Jaydee isn't broken. Jaydee is a person, pure and simple.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Be careful - a spouse can be somewhat accepting one moment and can

change to totally unaccepting at the speed of light

JoAnne Wheeler

[Angie G]

Jaydee Any way out is a way out take it even if it is slowly. But take it.:hugs:
Angie

[Alana Lucerne]

I think you take the Kleinfelters info as a starting point. It seems your wife is comfortable accepting information off the internet so why not follow up with some more information off the internet. Go online yourself, find some more info on kleinfelters to show why that isn't your "problem". Also get some more information on crossdressing, including the fact that most are heterosexual and whatever else you want to help explain yourself. Or even just find some good web sites that she can go to herself to get the information. Maybe she can come to realize that it isn't a "problem", it might actually be an opportunity.

I think your wife might appreciate the fact that you are following up what she started. The fact that the first avenue that she found (the kleinfelters) is a blind alley is just the way things go on the net.

Good luck with it.

Alana

[Intertwined]

JulieC well said...!

[Jaydee]

Thanks again for the replies. I see her unexpected research as an attempt to come to grips with a situation she did not understand, and out of a concern for me, especially after previously avoiding my attempts to bring it up. I am trying to expand the discussion to include crossdressing but I don't think I just want to drop it on her, but to work our way that direction, and keep the conversations going. I just keep thinking that standing in the crossroads you are twice as likely to be hit by a truck.

Thanks Again,

Jaydee

[anna kate]

Open communication seems to be the right avenue to go down. This at least gets you away from the crossroads, now walk on the side of the avenue, so you can see the truck comming.