Fortelling of my near future with S/O =(

[KateC]

Sorry again to burden my personal issues to the forums, you can ignore my post if you wish... I really have no other outlet but here which I found and consider it a haven/sanctuary for me. I love this place!

So I was talking to my S/O today and just talking normally and she mentions about how "I don't like it" when I told her I cooked lasagna for dinner. It's not a big deal I know but this is just her attitude and I really dislike it. I can just hear her say "I don't like it" or "I can't accept this" or even worse "I think we're going to have problems in the future and I can't be with a person like this" when I start explaining my full crossdressing activities.

Honestly is there a way to give your S/O to read websites like this or others about our lifestyles, maybe then they can understand it's something we have to live with AND most of the time can be discussed on how to proceed and CAN be exciting.

Again I'm deeply sorry for bringing my problems here and always bothering everyone but I have no one =(

[Ujean1998]

Have you told you SO anything at all about your CD'n? Also I have seen alot of people put to much association from one type of conversation into another that is completely unrelated other than the fact of a negative response being introduced. As in I think in this case you are taking your fears of rejection and putting it into your personal thoughts of how you think she will respond to you finally telling her how you feel.

I myself have always been a firm believer that we tend to think the worst and left issues cloud so much in our own minds and blow them personally out of proportion to what really might happen. I would recommend just sitting back and think about what type of character your SO has and use that as a judgmental tool rather than concentrate on negative responses she makes about not liking lasagna. Always try to be objection about what you might think the outcome will be but above all and I know it will be hard because rejection is a powerful emotion, but try to leave personal emotion out of the equation for a moment.

[KateC]

Yes, I'm not sure if you kept with my crazy posts but, she knows about it almost since day one when I met her. But she only knows about my *private* dressing and lingerie only.. she doesn't know about my full persona and what I do with it... even I didn't know fully till I explored it recently...

That might be true about how I put the negativity, but it's just after 12 years, you tend to know how the person is, maybe I'm reading her wrong and the things she says is just a cliche phrase she uses like how I always use "stupid" for everything but I don't really mean stupid.

Her personality is ok... not too bad but I guess towards me and the things our relationship has experienced, she's much more strict on me than easy. Mostly my fault but the faults I created aren't even remotely related to CDing. I just think if she treats me the way she does, fine but don't treat Kate like that or all the CDing involved, it has been with me before she met me, not like I created Kate 3 years ago.

I don't know, sometimes I think I'm such a horrible person maybe I'm best to be alone, I don't even know honestly why she's with me being the person I am. Well not that I don't know completely, but mostly because we've been together so long and it's just easier to be with someone you know... which she is going to say "I don't even know who you are anymore" when I bring up the full CDing.... /sigh



Have you told you SO anything at all about your CD'n? Also I have seen alot of people put to much association from one type of conversation into another that is completely unrelated other than the fact of a negative response being introduced. As in I think in this case you are taking your fears of rejection and putting it into your personal thoughts of how you think she will respond to you finally telling her how you feel.

I myself have always been a firm believer that we tend to think the worst and left issues cloud so much in our own minds and blow them personally out of proportion to what really might happen. I would recommend just sitting back and think about what type of character your SO has and use that as a judgmental tool rather than concentrate on negative responses she makes about not liking lasagna. Always try to be objection about what you might think the outcome will be but above all and I know it will be hard because rejection is a powerful emotion, but try to leave personal emotion out of the equation for a moment.

[Ujean1998]

Ok so your SO being abit negative in stating things is just who she is in a way and yes her statement of "I don't like it". Was her response for she does not like it when you cook or was it for she does not like lasagna?

[shesadvl]

Ok so your SO being abit negative in stating things is just who she is in a way and yes her statement of "I don't like it". Was her response for she does not like it when you cook or was it for she does not like lasagna?

yer to funnie Ujean laffing, yep I would've asked kate the same thing ...that does your SO not like your cooking or does she just not like lasagna...:tongueout..

KateC quote..
"Yes, I'm not sure if you kept with my crazy posts but, she knows about it almost since day one when I met her. But she only knows about my *private* dressing and lingerie only.. she doesn't know about my full persona and what I do with it... even I didn't know fully till I explored it recently...

That might be true about how I put the negativity, but it's just after 12 years, you tend to know how the person is, maybe I'm reading her wrong and the things she says is just a cliche phrase she uses like how I always use "stupid" for everything but I don't really mean stupid.

Her personality is ok... not too bad but I guess towards me and the things our relationship has experienced, she's much more strict on me than easy. Mostly my fault but the faults I created aren't even remotely related to CDing. I just think if she treats me the way she does, fine but don't treat Kate like that or all the CDing involved, it has been with me before she met me, not like I created Kate 3 years ago.

I don't know, sometimes I think I'm such a horrible person maybe I'm best to be alone, I don't even know honestly why she's with me being the person I am. Well not that I don't know completely, but mostly because we've been together so long and it's just easier to be with someone you know... which she is going to say "I don't even know who you are anymore" when I bring up the full CDing.... /sigh"

kate ........im a GG very open minded and my SO cross dresses he told me from day one... I have been with him for just on 12 months you have had six years with your S/O, can I ask do you continuously communicate with her, talking on all levels is best, if you talk always then I'm sure she would get to know your full persona dressed or not...

My S/O says he is himself always enfemme or not always one and the same, so by treating you the same way.... even if you are you, or enfemme as kate, dont be so defensive..LOL
You are not a horrible person ,even my S/O "says" hes mean nasty and horrible but thats a joke,( I have learnt by reading this forum that there are some of you CD'ers feel like this yes but thats within you...)
you can have a lot of fun either way, dont try and pre-empt her ...with this...
"but mostly because we've been together so long and it's just easier to be with someone you know... which she is going to say "I don't even know who you are anymore" when I bring up the full CDing.... /sigh"....

as she probably, with the both of you.. (YOU & your S/O talking).. may see things differently, maybe in a good way, the only way to find out is talk, always about all things no matter, work through these things....timing and making time to talk is the thing as well, treat her as you would like to be treated or how you would like kate to be treated, perhaps that works....only one way to find out is do it....
My S/O gave up dressing for LENT, but he still dressed in the sexy stockings bra and spenders but then thats my rocky horror frankenfurter laffing... *whistling* so as I told him You didnt give it up completely ya wanna see the look on his face ...laffing...:devil::tongueout..
but no matter I was supportive of the fact he did it, when he didnt have to ...
we talk about all this as well...he posts in the forum, we read and follow different things, why because I am interested in what he does,& how others find this a place to put out there how they feel .
That there are many others out there that have been where you are possibly are at now also have good feed back.....
I have learnt much more, and perhaps your S/o my like to join up as I did... there is a forum page for GG's if she wants to learn more and ask questions. So good luck with this. :battingeyelashes:

[Karren H]

I'd say back off and let her calm down.. If you keep pushing she's just going to push back harder.. This stuff takes time especially if the s/o is that negative.. Mines that way too but as long as I keep it out of her face she's pretty happy!

And that doesn't gaurantee success... But based on all the stories I've read hear... Pushing things too fast will gaurantee failure for sure...

[Di]

First off....in another post you said
about telling the SO of how I might be just more than a TV dressing for sex.. she knows that much but doesn't know I'd want to do the who going out thing, shopping etc, as a woman.. dressing up full woman with everything... To help you help me, my SO already kinda is disliking the fact about my dressing lingerie.



Did you tell her yet?

I am thinking you did not
If you do want to explain to her.and she seems like the shoot from the hip....with negative comments why don't you write her a letter....and hand it to her ..tell her you can explain it better writing....go get a coffee or something so she can digress it but tell her you will be back to talk after she reads it
Then give her stuff to read and maybe this site if she wants to learn more............she might not want it at first seems like she might be the type to blow up then later after she thinks about it then she will want to learn more.

Your decision if you want/ need to explain....but this is another option on how since the writing a letter might be a way to get everything out without her shooting you down.
Also say you are the same person she loves nothing has changed.and you can balance the guy stuff ( you said elsewhere she complained about that) but only say that if you mean it....and only say the truth.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Way better to find out now than latter

JoAnne Wheeler

[Angie G]

Ask her if she would like to try understanding you better as far as the dressing gos. If she is willing find her soma info about dressing. I hope it helps hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Ralph]

I can just hear her say "I don't like it" or "I can't accept this" or even worse "I think we're going to have problems in the future and I can't be with a person like this" when I start explaining my full crossdressing activities
Better to find out now than after you're married. You both have a decision to make right now about what's more important to you. If your urge to go whole hog on the fully dressed in public thing is more important to you than being married to this person, that's fine... but you need to give her the chance to make the same decision. She might decide that being married to you is more important than her objections to CDing, or she might not.

Likewise, if you decide that you love her more than you love the dressing and she absolutely will not accept the full time thing, it's up to you to prove that she's more important by never crossing any boundaries you agree to. And for the love of Victoria's Secret, don't agree to boundaries and then try to sneak past them. See all the threads scattered around here about married CDers who agreed to boundaries and then got caught cheating. There are no happy endings to those stories.

One thing I can tell you from experience (and numerous marriage counselors) is that you can never ever expect the other person to change. If you go into a marriage thinking "I'll never be able to live with the way she tends to throw up all over the living room rug after dinner, but I can change that and then we'll have the perfect marriage"... you are dooming both of you to a lifetime of misery. She may or may not soften on the attitude of CDing, but you won't be the one to change her mind, and you can't count on that happening, any more than she can count on your desire to dress changing after you're married.

You also need to make sure you know - and you can tell her - exactly how far you need to go. If you reassure her that it's just dressing up now and then later you decide you need SRS, I'd help her load the shotgun she uses on you (see previous paragraph about boundaries).

good luck, and be sure to tell us how the conversation turns out!

PS - never apologize for asking for help here. If you can't be open and spill your guts here among friends, we're a pretty sorry bunch.

[MsJanessa]

your SO doesn't like lasagne---I didn't know there was such a person on the planet---what next? She turns up her nose at pizza? lol

I think what I hear you saying is that she is very negative about a lot of things--including, if I'm reading between the lines, crossdressing. Maybe you need to step back and take a look at continuing your relationship--It sounds like what she is looking for is an excuse to be disagreeable--some people are that way due to control issues and certainly if she can't control the menu and that bothers her, I can imagine what dealing with your crossdressing, overwhich she has even less control must be like. I don't know enough of your history to be able to say whether you two have a good chance at a nice future togather and even if I did it is not the kind of advice I would feel comfortable giving to someone I don't know over the internet---My advice is to find a counselor and get some sessions to help you sort through this--It also might be a good idea to get some couples counseling.

[Deedee Dupree]

Kate, I've been following your posts for a few days. I'll cut right to the core of the matter. You wanna figure this all out via the internet in less than a month? .... not realistic despite your exceptional abilities.. You have been given very good advise on several threads, and have picked up some insight.

IMO, you are on square one and if you want to speed up the process with the multiple issues you have spoken of, get a qualified therapist to help you sort through all of it. Spend the time and money, invest in yourself, your future, rather than looking for answers on internet forums. If you can find a qualified therapist, it will be the best money you ever spent.

In a previous thread I suggested you find a big sister who has no agenda other than to do something worthwhile for you, one on one. Not so easy, but it is possible. You can't do either of the above sitting in front of a computer screen.

I'm not denigrating anyones' best efforts to help you here as most of what has been said has been superb, right on target, but IMO in some cases too "advanced". Of course what is not utilitarian today may be useful later.

[FWIW, I don't have any questions or issues concerning crossdressing, sexuality or anything related to it that has not been answered long ago, (13 years & counting)]

Good luck. dd

[trannie T]

If the problem is your lasagna then you may need a new cookbook.
If the problem is your marriage you should consider some counselling.

[Sally2005]

Just ask her if she would like the lasagna better if you were dressed up while making it?

Seriously though, if you don't like how she says something to you, tell her it doesn't make you feel good. And if she doesn't like lasagna...cook something else. Consider how you would feel if she cooked something you don't like.

[KateC]

Ugh 3am again.. I need to sleep earlier...

I think alot of people misunderstood me when I originally posted the first post. Maybe it's just something my S/O does that I get and none other really gets.

*sigh* (just depressed thinking about this)

The Lasanga wasn't the issue, she likes it, it's not about she doesn't want to eat that. It's really 3 things added together, let me see if I can explain better.

1. The reason she said what she said was because she didn't like me always cooking pasta's and stuff, and wanted me to cook some more variety like Asian or whatever... Even THOUGH it was for me, and she's not even here... ok whatever, this is just something I've come to known her say/do. I guess it's her way of saying "I don't want this in the future when I'm physically here". In some ways I feel a bit controlled but I've learned to get whipped so whatever.. maybe I shouldn't but I guess I deserve it...

2. I don't know sometimes to take it seriously or half-assed when she says these things because she says it so damn often and to so many things. (I hope if when I talk to her about my CD/TS she doesn't read this post!) A) She says: I don't like it. B) I'm not happy.

It's kind of a cliche thing, you know like how teens now say "that's bad" or "sweet", for something cool... it doesn't really mean "bad" or it doesn't taste "sweet"... ....... ...

anyhow............ my point is it's just a complaint that shouldn't be taken too seriously, is what I *THINK* when she does it because she does it almost to every single thing she doesn't like or isn't happy about, thus using those 2 lines!

3. eh I don't really remember what I was going to write since it's THREE AM... lol......... something about her just trying to focus on her feelings, we get alot into arguments about that.... *sigh* again. BASICALLY, if I were to do/act everything the way SHE wanted, everything would be fine, and of course in our arguments it's because I'm the "weird" one, and I admit that (for the most part yes) but stuff like cooking food, is that really "weird" or "wrong" to do, to cook Italian dishes? Whatever, so many arguments with her like this, I don't really need to go further on it here... I'm arguing with myself now lol

So did I confuse you more yet?

[Senban]

Hell I cook pasta all the time, it rocks! In fact I had it last night - Italian sausage tagliatelle with wild mushroom sauce :D

Your SO should be grateful that you actually take the time to cook decent food for yourself rather than expect her to do it for you or live on microwave packet meals and takeaway food. If you like pasta, scoff it as much as you like! If your SO isn't going to be there eating it, what the fudge has it got to do with her anyway? Your time together can be your time to share. If she's trying to tell you what to do and what to eat when she's not even going to be there, tell her to sod off!