Kelli Michelle
04-06-2009, 10:09 AM
Just a little background for those that haven't read all my posts. My wife has know about my "proclivites" from the get-go. But I never went out dressed, just a small bit around the house, underdressed. She never saw it, nor did we talk about it. At some point (several years later), we were seperated (her and children) for 1 1/2 yrs, while I moved back to the US. I visited a couple of times, and in most ways still got along. During this time apart, I started going out dressed with some new friends. I didn't tell her because it's not something you discuss over the phone. When I had a decent job and we got the money together to move our stuff, they moved back. Within about 2-3 weeks, I told her he situation. It was bad, almost ended the marriage. It became, " I hate it...I don't want to know anything about it...etc" type thing. We came to an agreement that I was "allowed" to go out 2 times a month, unless there were special things going on.
Anyway, we have had a few talks about stuff. She would ask the usual, "are you gay...do you want to live as a woman now, or in the future..."
Yesterday, we had another talk. I told her how I felt about all the snide comments, looks, nastiness, etc. that she passed on to me. I told her, and repeated several times, that I didin't know, completely, who I was, but it was driving me crazy that I didn't know what I was, or where I wanted to go with it. I told her I was empathetic with how she was feeling, and that it must be hard for her. She asked lots more "new" questions. This went on for an hour. It was somewhat unpleasant, as she was vry pressing and sorta...well just difficult.
We paused for a second, then out the blue, she says, "You know, I am going to be more empathetic towards you. I still hate what you do, and don't want you to do it (at all), and I am definitely NOT going to be an enabler, but....I could be nicer..." I told her I really appreciated that, and I understood this was no "endorsement" of what I am doing.
Later, we spoke again, I re-iterated, that I don't know how to do it, but that I needed to find out sooner rather than later, where I wanted to go with my cding activity. She asked if I was TS, and I said, probably not, but I am not through discovering that aspect yet. I told her that I still needed to try some things (nothing that would be a violation of our vows), to check that out. She asked, " If you do more, won't you want more?" I said maybe, but that I would at least find out where it leads. If I reach a point where I am uncomfortable, than that would be the sign that I had gone as far as I would want. I asked her (again), "wouldn't you rather I find this out now, than wait another 22 yrs. down the road..." She agreed. I don't know how this will translate, but at least we sorta agree we BOTH need to find out. This is all I could wish for.
Anyway, we have had a few talks about stuff. She would ask the usual, "are you gay...do you want to live as a woman now, or in the future..."
Yesterday, we had another talk. I told her how I felt about all the snide comments, looks, nastiness, etc. that she passed on to me. I told her, and repeated several times, that I didin't know, completely, who I was, but it was driving me crazy that I didn't know what I was, or where I wanted to go with it. I told her I was empathetic with how she was feeling, and that it must be hard for her. She asked lots more "new" questions. This went on for an hour. It was somewhat unpleasant, as she was vry pressing and sorta...well just difficult.
We paused for a second, then out the blue, she says, "You know, I am going to be more empathetic towards you. I still hate what you do, and don't want you to do it (at all), and I am definitely NOT going to be an enabler, but....I could be nicer..." I told her I really appreciated that, and I understood this was no "endorsement" of what I am doing.
Later, we spoke again, I re-iterated, that I don't know how to do it, but that I needed to find out sooner rather than later, where I wanted to go with my cding activity. She asked if I was TS, and I said, probably not, but I am not through discovering that aspect yet. I told her that I still needed to try some things (nothing that would be a violation of our vows), to check that out. She asked, " If you do more, won't you want more?" I said maybe, but that I would at least find out where it leads. If I reach a point where I am uncomfortable, than that would be the sign that I had gone as far as I would want. I asked her (again), "wouldn't you rather I find this out now, than wait another 22 yrs. down the road..." She agreed. I don't know how this will translate, but at least we sorta agree we BOTH need to find out. This is all I could wish for.