Kokoro
04-07-2009, 06:55 AM
Where to begin... (warning, long post incoming)
I'll start off with my history. I began dressing when i was about 11 years old and like most, used my mums wardrobe. At the time it was exciting and thrilling to be doing something 'forbidden', but as the months and years passed it became less about the thrill and more about the comfort and being at ease. Well, when i was 15 i got a girlfriend who i loved very much. After a few months i finally decided to confide in her about my dressing. I'm not quite sure how to describe her reaction. It certainly wasn't disgust, but neither was it acceptence, just uneasiness. I may have put her off however since i was often asking her girly questions when she just wanted me to be her boyfriend. Anyway after a little over a year together we finally broke up, but when we did she used my little secret to near enough destroy me. She told her friends, she told my friends, she even told my mother. The last few months of school were utter hell.
After this i sunk into a depression and cut off all contact i had with anyone at school and completly lost touch with reality. Aside from working, i spent the next 5 years staying in all the time, not going out, having no friends and basically not living what would be considered a normal life. I stopped dressing almost entirely and only occasionly put on a pair of tights for something kinky. During this time i programmed myself to be male who only had a fetish for tights because I'm naturally (extremly) hairy, i feel i have big bones and due to my job i've built up a lot of muscle mass all over my body. I used to think of myself as average height until i had a doctor examine me and declared i was a mere 5"6 a couple of months ago.
Anyway, after 20 months of waiting i finally got to see a physcologist last month. I started off with no intention of telling her about my past dressing as i didn't feel it relevent (i'd engraved the 'you are 100% male and always will be' into my head by this point). After a couple of weeks of discussing possible causes for my physcological disfunction with the usual (divorcing parents, bullying at school and work etc.) i finally decided to tell her everything. After i did my mind seemed to 'switch' to a different plane of thinking. I suddenly wanted to do my best to explore what i'd rejected for so long. Despite only talking to her about it for 10 mins (i only talked about it at the very end of an hour long session) i made a decision to try to lose weight and muscle mass, i started shaving my face more often, i'm slowly plucking my eyebrows and i've begun growing my hair long.
My next session with her was exclusivly about my feelings and in just an hour i realised a lot about my feelings and what i want to be, though i have the overarching problem of being masculine engraved into me still and as such i'm trying to find my true self amidst the turmoil of it all.
So that is my brief history on this subject. Now about my feelings and views that have come about in the last couple of weeks.
I'd like to say i'm torn between masculinity and femmeninity, but i think a more acurate description would be i'm torn between extreme masculinity and just being who i want to be. I'm not into frilly dresses and skirts, it doesn't do anything for me. I'd just be happy waking up in the morning, putting on some knickers, pants or skirt (not a huge deal which, i wouldn't choose a skirt just because its more of a female item), a top (long sleeved, short-sleeved, tight, baggy etc.), socks, shoes (again, doesn't have to be heels, trainers would be fine) and just get up and do normal stuff.
I wouldn't want my dressing to be a kind of hobby or pastime as it is to some CD's. i've got other hobbys and interests i'd like to spend my time on, but doing them dressed as a girl (or as i like to word it, just being 'myself'). I dislike the whole idea of being a man dressed as a girl. To me, unless i look and feel completly like a girl i wouldn't try to pass off as being one. I'll be honest (and please don't take offence at this), the thought of a 'man in a dress' and seeing it repulses me. Wether this is due to society conditioning me to be this way, or my true feelings i don't know. Hence the reason why if i couldn't pass 100% i'd never dream of dressing up fully as the thought of being that myself disgusts me.
You may have noticed my name. Its not a girls name, its more of a forum handle. I haven't given myself a female name since i don't consider being 'en femme' (another saying i dislike) as a sperate part of me. I'm singular and whole and simply 'me'. A think a name is just another way society has of how it percieves you and considering the stage i'm at now, i female name would be inappropriate.
So i'm stuck in the middle right now. I have desires and wants to dress like a girl, but i also have another side to me which wants to be strong (mentaly and physicaly) and be the male in a relationship and be the protector, though if truth be told i'm not very good at any of it. Wether this is just a personality trait or the masculine effect i don't know and it's what i need to find out. It's just so difficult to know what is actually you and what is conditioning.
So the plan right now is to slowly and subtly make changes to myself over the next weeks and months until i get to the look i want without clothes and then build up from there (and importantly, dress my age (21) and get some fashion sense while learning to do my hair in a girls style and put on make-up.)
One step at a time for now, and i think thats a good thing. To go from 5 years of complete rejection of myself to dressing constantly i feel would be too much and may give me the wrong idea about myself. I'd rather go through things slowly as i'll have the chance to think things through and do them properly and hopefully, a year or two down the line, i'll be what i want to be.
Thanks for listening.
I'll start off with my history. I began dressing when i was about 11 years old and like most, used my mums wardrobe. At the time it was exciting and thrilling to be doing something 'forbidden', but as the months and years passed it became less about the thrill and more about the comfort and being at ease. Well, when i was 15 i got a girlfriend who i loved very much. After a few months i finally decided to confide in her about my dressing. I'm not quite sure how to describe her reaction. It certainly wasn't disgust, but neither was it acceptence, just uneasiness. I may have put her off however since i was often asking her girly questions when she just wanted me to be her boyfriend. Anyway after a little over a year together we finally broke up, but when we did she used my little secret to near enough destroy me. She told her friends, she told my friends, she even told my mother. The last few months of school were utter hell.
After this i sunk into a depression and cut off all contact i had with anyone at school and completly lost touch with reality. Aside from working, i spent the next 5 years staying in all the time, not going out, having no friends and basically not living what would be considered a normal life. I stopped dressing almost entirely and only occasionly put on a pair of tights for something kinky. During this time i programmed myself to be male who only had a fetish for tights because I'm naturally (extremly) hairy, i feel i have big bones and due to my job i've built up a lot of muscle mass all over my body. I used to think of myself as average height until i had a doctor examine me and declared i was a mere 5"6 a couple of months ago.
Anyway, after 20 months of waiting i finally got to see a physcologist last month. I started off with no intention of telling her about my past dressing as i didn't feel it relevent (i'd engraved the 'you are 100% male and always will be' into my head by this point). After a couple of weeks of discussing possible causes for my physcological disfunction with the usual (divorcing parents, bullying at school and work etc.) i finally decided to tell her everything. After i did my mind seemed to 'switch' to a different plane of thinking. I suddenly wanted to do my best to explore what i'd rejected for so long. Despite only talking to her about it for 10 mins (i only talked about it at the very end of an hour long session) i made a decision to try to lose weight and muscle mass, i started shaving my face more often, i'm slowly plucking my eyebrows and i've begun growing my hair long.
My next session with her was exclusivly about my feelings and in just an hour i realised a lot about my feelings and what i want to be, though i have the overarching problem of being masculine engraved into me still and as such i'm trying to find my true self amidst the turmoil of it all.
So that is my brief history on this subject. Now about my feelings and views that have come about in the last couple of weeks.
I'd like to say i'm torn between masculinity and femmeninity, but i think a more acurate description would be i'm torn between extreme masculinity and just being who i want to be. I'm not into frilly dresses and skirts, it doesn't do anything for me. I'd just be happy waking up in the morning, putting on some knickers, pants or skirt (not a huge deal which, i wouldn't choose a skirt just because its more of a female item), a top (long sleeved, short-sleeved, tight, baggy etc.), socks, shoes (again, doesn't have to be heels, trainers would be fine) and just get up and do normal stuff.
I wouldn't want my dressing to be a kind of hobby or pastime as it is to some CD's. i've got other hobbys and interests i'd like to spend my time on, but doing them dressed as a girl (or as i like to word it, just being 'myself'). I dislike the whole idea of being a man dressed as a girl. To me, unless i look and feel completly like a girl i wouldn't try to pass off as being one. I'll be honest (and please don't take offence at this), the thought of a 'man in a dress' and seeing it repulses me. Wether this is due to society conditioning me to be this way, or my true feelings i don't know. Hence the reason why if i couldn't pass 100% i'd never dream of dressing up fully as the thought of being that myself disgusts me.
You may have noticed my name. Its not a girls name, its more of a forum handle. I haven't given myself a female name since i don't consider being 'en femme' (another saying i dislike) as a sperate part of me. I'm singular and whole and simply 'me'. A think a name is just another way society has of how it percieves you and considering the stage i'm at now, i female name would be inappropriate.
So i'm stuck in the middle right now. I have desires and wants to dress like a girl, but i also have another side to me which wants to be strong (mentaly and physicaly) and be the male in a relationship and be the protector, though if truth be told i'm not very good at any of it. Wether this is just a personality trait or the masculine effect i don't know and it's what i need to find out. It's just so difficult to know what is actually you and what is conditioning.
So the plan right now is to slowly and subtly make changes to myself over the next weeks and months until i get to the look i want without clothes and then build up from there (and importantly, dress my age (21) and get some fashion sense while learning to do my hair in a girls style and put on make-up.)
One step at a time for now, and i think thats a good thing. To go from 5 years of complete rejection of myself to dressing constantly i feel would be too much and may give me the wrong idea about myself. I'd rather go through things slowly as i'll have the chance to think things through and do them properly and hopefully, a year or two down the line, i'll be what i want to be.
Thanks for listening.