The "Coming Out" Thread

[ria_ts]

If you can share how you first initiated the conversation, what you said to the people in your life, and what you think you could have said or done that would have probably made it easier ... it would help a lot of people out there. Even if you tried to come out and it did not work, that would be great to know too, and some others could help us out.

[Anna the Dub]

Well, the first person I told was my best friend. I actually said to her that I had something to tell her, which was that I was like (comedian) Eddy Izzard (who happens to be a very open CDer). She said to me 'what? You're a closet comedian?'. I said 'think about it'. She thought for a minute, and then said 'Aaahh, I see. Really?' And that was it. Of course, the fact I was ts followed during one of our innumerable conversations that occurred during the next few days, but that was how I broke the ice. She is still (15 years later) my best friend and fiercely protective of me.

[Carole Cross]

When I came out to my family, I was very nervous and I wasn't sure how to start, so I asked them if they knew what transgender meant. They did not know exactly what it meant, but they did have a fairly good interpretation and after giving them my view, I just took it from there. I don't know if this is of any help but it was the only way I could broach the subject. Once the initial explanatiuon was out of the way, it was much easier to talk about it.

[Sharon]

I never followed a script, but one thing I probably said to everyone was that no matter what I do or how I appear, I am still me, with the same brain, the same emotions, the same strengths and weaknesses, only now I am much, much happier than I have ever been before.

[Ashlie Marie]

well for my best friend and my Wife who was just my friend then I kinda just blurted it out we were shopping wow like 9 years ago and I saw this wicked pretty dress and I was like I am so trying that on. they giggled since they thought i was plannign halloween already. so after our little shopping spree I told them everything about my secret,and they gave me a makeover it was great. my parents and family I looked way too good to be doing this once a year. so I was busted. She is she not happy with it or getting but I am working on it :-)

[deja true]

I had been on vacation for two weeks, one of them at SCC. When a woman friend in my office asked me what I had done, I set my laptop in front of her and played a slide show of my SCC pics. As they started up I asked her if she recognized anyone there. After about 20 pics (I was in about a third of them...) she suddenly got the big O face and then looked up at me and smiled. :) It worked great 'cos I had already edited out the really bad ones ...and there I was with dozens of others like me smiling and obviously having a good time.

[sailcruisn]

Prior to the conversation I made it clear that I didn't want my other friends knowing yet.

I have only come out to my best friend so far. I started off by asking about how religious he is and I then transferred that to being open minded since priests have to listen to confessions. I told him that it has to do with gender and Had him guess while making mention of the sociology project that I had to do last semester where I dressed as a girl and said no until he thought he knew and he wouldn't say it so I had to say it.

I then went on to explain myself and why I felt that way after that.

I hope to go see a therapist this week or next though for the first time if I can get in.

[tori-e]

Anita (Brenda) and I came out to dozens of people about two to three years ago. Then just when you think everybody knows you find someone else you have to tell.

We found there are levels of outings depending on who it is. Close family, friends and employees (I’m an owner in a small company) where all one on one, face to face. Usually I would meet people for coffee. The school principal and teachers received a letter explaining what was going on. My out of town relatives got a letter. Our neighbours got a letter in their mailboxes.

Whenever we talked to someone we always talked about it with them first and left them with some literature to read. One of things that was good, was having an ally. When I told a friend they would later talk to Anita about it. And she would give her impression of it all. When I told my employees, they talked to my business partners. I think that helped. To have someone other than me to ask about it.

One of things that I always told people was that I had been diagnosed with a medical condition. This helps to legitimize what you are doing. Also, when I told people, I had not decided to go full time yet. Most people knew for about a year before they ever got to see me.

The main purpose of my website was to provide information to people that know us about my transition and TGism in general.

If you like, borrow from some of the letters there…

Coming out: http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/ComingOut.htm
FAQ: http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/faqhtml.htm
To the principal: http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/LetterPrincipal.htm

Hope this is useful,
Terri

[Heatherx75]

I just came out to one of my oldest friends about an hour or so ago. I've known him for about 10 years, we've worked together most of that time, he was in my class at culinary school, and he was one of the first people I met that I really liked when I got to New York.
Anyway, he called me to talk to me about a job that he's got for me in Vegas. (That's where he is right now.) When he was done pitching the job to me, I said, "Oh, you know, I got something serious to talk to you about. I don't know if I want to tell you about it right now." (I was standing out on the street at the time.)
He said:"Well, what is it? You've got me all worried now! Is it something bad?"
Me:"No, it's not something bad, it's just... something you need to know... about me..."
Him:"Are you gay?"
Me:"No, it's similar to that, but not really, try again."
Hiim:"Well, I don't know! You're not gay, but similar, what are you then?"
Me:"You know that thing that I like to joke about all the time?"
Him:"What? You're a serial killer?!"
Me:"No! That's what YOU like to joke about me being! I joke about being a transsexual. What I'm telling you is that that's actually true!"
Him:"Wow, really!? So you want to be a girl?"
Me:"Yeah, that's the idea, I'm starting to get stuff done towards that. Don't worry, it's going to be a gradual process, it's not going to affect my work. Say, you seem to be taking this rather well..."
Him:"Oh! You know me! I don't judge people! Whatever you are that's what you are, you know? Say, so are you gonna go to Thailand? Because a lot of people do that. Maybe you should go to Thailand..."
Me:"What? No, no... no. I'm not going to Thailand. I haven't even gotten to that part yet, that's like the last thing you generally take care of, and Thailand's not really the best option anyway. I've been looking into this stuff, and you don't wanna go to Thailand."
Him:"Okay, well anyway think about the job and get back to me later."

And that's the first person I've intentionally come out to who's not my therapist, or a member of my support group, or my electrologist, or a doctor, or someone who takes appointments for doctors who work with transsexuals. Or my ex-sort of-girlfriend from several years back who was semi-supportive but shall still remain nameless.

[StaceyJane]

Next week my therapist wants to do some role playing on coming out to my family. I will give it a try but I'm nervous even about practicing with my therapist.

[Sara Violet]

When I told my mom it went like Heather's, just very very emotional, as I was planning to commit suicide. I wanted my mom to know why so she would understand. It was so hard to tell her, I remember siting there crying. Apparently my girlfriend Kerri called her crying right before I got there and told my mom I needed to tell her some thing and not to let me leave.
It went like this.

"Kerri called me crying and told me you need to tell me"
long pause
then my mom asked was "Are you gay? It's fine if you are."
"no worse" I told her
"Did you kill some one?" she asked
"no"
she sighed with relief "I am your mother and I love you no matter what."
"I know" I said balling my eyes out "but I can't tell you, you will hate me"
"Kerri thinks your going to kill yourself tonight."
I started crying harder.
"I can't help you if I don't know whats wrong."
"I'm a girl"
"What do you mean your a girl? Your a boy."
"I know, but inside I am a girl. I want to be a girl."
"I don't really understand?"
"I am transsexual, I want to have a sex change. I want to be a girl."
"That's what you sat here crying for an hour trying to tell me?"
"I'm sorry, please don't hate me."
"I am your mother you will always be my son no matter what you become. I am here for you, and love you, but you will always be my son. Even if you are a girl"
.....We talked a little while about my ext steps, and she was very surprised how much I knew about transitioning, and could answer most her questions.

It's been 4 years since that day. My mom eventually came around to seeing me as her daughter, even though she did say she never would. We are closer than ever now.