Am I suppose to feel wrong/bad about CDing/TS/TG?

[KateC]

Again I'm sorry in advance that I'm such an emotional wreck, I hide it well though so people at work think I'm very happy and cheerful :) *sigh*

I think alot of this is coming from what I think SO will say... it's like without her approval I think anything I do is wrong. I feel really guilty and bad when I dress up and do stuff like go out to wal-mart. I know the things she'll say that disapprove even if I pass 99%, it's that 1% she'll comment about.

I'm feeling bad for not telling her these things, and really want to tell. Feeling bad for spending money, I sometimes can't justify the money because I won't be wearing it much and especially if things go BAD with SO, then really it's a waste of money.

I guess I keep thinking in the state of mind that she gets to decide what I can or cannot do... Spending money is already bad, and now I"m spending it for "stupid" stuff like this, to her it's a triple X.

I did buy her a gift for her finishing up the last of her studies EVER in life, but I bought myself one too, so I don't know, it sounds like out of guilt I bought it, at least that's what she'll think if or when she knows I have my own. That's not true though, I wanted to buy this gift for her because she NEVER had one before and she finished her studies and deserve one. Yeah it's expensive (but not as much as my guitar) but still, we live once right? Tomorrow the Earth can explode or whatever.

So I'm just in a wreck, always have been even before I've started dressing more. But just more lately because of the "hiding" i guess. Lets sum this up for myself as a reference and so people don't go "OMG another wall of text emo from kate"

1. I feel bad to dress up/go out dressed because I get the non-acceptance from my S/O and that's it WRONG to do it. Everything seems to revolve around what she thinks ( I guess that's a good thing from partner point of view?). At least I care about what she thinks, I can just say whatever and leave.

2. I feel bad because everytime I do this or do more, I am lying to her hiding things, and in the past I've done worse things and hiding them, so really it's the untruthful that makes me feel bad, I don't want to do this, but I need to do this so I want to tell her but then she won't accept probably so what do I do?!??! painful!!

3. I feel bad for spending money for something that's "wrong", "crazy" and not going to benefit anything at all (in her view). Just think of it rationally, not in terms of our needs of CDing/TS/TG, but logical terms. Most of us are (not the ones that live 24/7 as girl) men in our facade to our work/family and friends, this is some disorder or issue that we have to get our "fix" but it's not like we use the clothes to go to work or hang with friends, we just use it like how you'd buy a car accessory which doesn't help it's value or reliability. So it's a triple bad for me, useless purpose, wrong to do it, and hiding and buying expensive stuff =(





Ok I'm going to sleep, I need rest before my night out tomorrow...

[Senban]

KateC said - "Lets sum this up for myself as a reference and so people don't go "OMG another wall of text emo from kate""

Well having just gone through a couple of years of emo in every sense, I can appreciate how others might feel when dealing with their issues so you won't get any ZOMGness from me at least :hugs:

KateC said - "Again I'm sorry in advance that I'm such an emotional wreck, I hide it well though so people at work think I'm very happy and cheerful *sigh*"

Yup, been there, done that.

Now, consider something that my counsellor says to me (my words not hers though so bear with any errors I make).

You've said a few times there that you "think" this or that. Now that's okay, I'm not going to slap you and tell you to "pull yourself together you silly girl!"

But it's often the case that we "think" something is true and that can upset us. The triggering "hot thoughts" can often lead us to react in certain ways, emotional or physical and yet, if we could have stepped to one side for a moment and viewed the situation objectively, we may have found that things weren't quite what we thought they were. Not always, but sometimes.

So if you are in a situation and you "think" that something might be the case e.g. your SO wouldn't approve of you going out tonight in girly stuff or for buying a new pair of shoes then pause a moment. Ask yourself what evidence you have to support that thought. Then ask yourself what evidence you have that actually proves that your thought is based upon false assumptions. You might suddenly find that you start to realise that many of our "thinks" are not based on reality and that things aren't necessarily as bad as you thought.

My advice to you, apart from the above, is to actually discuss these things with your SO. Don't let your mind run away with "thinks" because "thinks" are invariably wrong to some degree. Sit down with her and gradually (not all at once) talk about some of these issues. Find out what she really thinks. Be prepared for the fact that she might say one thing at the start of the conversations but that as she gets deeper into the subject her opinions may change, as might yours. It takes time to get to the core truths, even our own. But trust me, it's worth it.

There's so much more I could say but I'm no counsellor. But maybe this will help a little :)

KateC said - "I feel bad for spending money for something that's "wrong", "crazy" and not going to benefit anything at all (in her view). Just think of it rationally, not in terms of our needs of CDing/TS/TG, but logical terms. Most of us are (not the ones that live 24/7 as girl) men in our facade to our work/family and friends, this is some disorder or issue that we have to get our "fix" but it's not like we use the clothes to go to work or hang with friends, we just use it like how you'd buy a car accessory which doesn't help it's value or reliability. So it's a triple bad for me, useless purpose, wrong to do it, and hiding and buying expensive stuff =("

Not everything in life needs to be for practical purposes; sometimes it's fine and good to buy something purely for the pleasure of owning it. Hell, I've bought various things like dresses and shoes that I'm unlikely to ever get a chance to wear - I'm thinking of one particular pair of boots especially which cost something like £200 but which I might not get many chances to wear. Doesn't matter! I like them! And there are far FAR worse things in life I could be spending my money on so I no longer worry about such things.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

In answer to the title of this thread, no Kate, you are NOT supposed to feel bad about your crossdressing. I understand that you do, but you really should not.

It sounds like you feel as if you need the approval of your SO to crossdress and/or enjoy yourself as you would like to. Why is that? Did you need approval from her before you met her? Another good question may be is she really making you feel like you need her approval, or are you just reading her wrong? I know I've misread my own wife's meaning in things plenty of times. That's probably why it took me more than a decade to come out to her.

There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. There is nothing wrong with spending money on things that you will enjoy. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. There IS something wrong if you require approval from anyone else to be who you are. You most certainly do NOT require anyone's approval to be who you are. If someone truly is intentionally making you feel that way, you'd really better evaluate their importance in your life. You must live your life for you, and not for someone else. Otherwise you will never truly be happy and never live up to your true potential. I won't even get in to how mentally unhealthy it is to live life for someone else rather than for yourself.

You are right in saying that the world may end tomorrow, so you should live life to the fullest and enjoy yourself today.

Your feelings of guilt something we've all experienced. You're not alone. I think you really need to take a look at yourself and your relationship with your SO and figure out if what you think you're seeing is really there.

And don't worry about your wall of text. We're here to share and that is exactly what you're doing. No one is obligated to read anything here, so you should never feel badly about posting.

Stand tall, Kate. Live a little, and STOP feeling guilty about it! :)

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Well Kate, I think a lot of us "live" with the same issues - I spend an aweful

lot of money on JoAnne - my Spouse resents it and has told me so on

numerous, numerous, numerous occasions - however, I am still buying

JoAnne clothing, shoes, expensive make-up, etc - even to this day - I am

so caught up in my own PINK FOG that i do not want to stop - I think that

I am trying to make up for all the time that I have wanted JoAnne to be free

but was frustrated by my spouse

JoAnne Wheeler

[Sheila]

Kate unless you talk to your GF then you cannot know what is going on in her mind ................. I know you have said in previous posts that you have difficulty in communicating with her verbally, can you trying writing down how you are feeling, and printing it out and giving it to her to read, gives you a chance to correct things that may come accross asconfused & seeming to be not what you meant. In that letter you could also tell her about the GG only forum in here :)

As for the spending, is there a financial agreement that you two can come to where by you each have a set anoutn of money each month to spend as you like without the other being allowed to moan about it ? that may take away some of the guilt you are feeling about spending money on Kate, and also allow you to be more realxed about your CDing


I spend an aweful lot of money on JoAnne - my Spouse resents it and has told me so on numerous, numerous, numerous occasions - however, I am still buying JoAnne clothing, shoes, expensive make-up, etc - even to this day - I am so caught up in my own PINK FOG that i do not want to stop - I think that I am trying to make up for all the time that I have wanted JoAnne to be free but was frustrated by my spouse JoAnne Wheeler

Naw JoAnne, thats not pink fog, to my mind it is total disregard for your wife and her feelings ................... Pink fog is something else entirely and you are using that, to try justify your total disregard for your wife, and her feelings :Angry3::Angry3:...... again just my :2c:

[Sandra]

Kate you really do have to communicate with your SO, if you can talk then try as Sheila has said and write it all down.

You really do need to try otherwise this is just going to make you feel worse and not do either of you any good.

[StacyCD]

KateC,

I had the same feelings of guilt for many years so you are not alone! Only in the last few year have I come to realize that being a CD is a part of who I am and that hiding it for so long created a great deal of stress for me and everybody around me. I have come to accept that I am 'normal' and I should not feel guilty for expressing a part of who I am. Not everyone will accept you and you will just have to live with that. If you've been reading the list for a while, there have been some heartbreaking stories. However, there have also been some that are truly amazing. My own SO is SLOWLY (glacial movement is fast in comparison) moving towards acceptance and may never truly accept that part of me. BUT, I'm out of the 'closet' and the sunlight fees great!

[KateC]

Thanks all...

I read alot of the info sticky on these forums and what people wrote to me.. but how should I start this, like how do I start talking without her going crazy or angry...

And the fact she doesn't ever really want to talk about it...

Also she got mad again because I didn't hear my phone ring when she called... it was in my purse and I think I was in the washroom or something.. either way things just seem to be going downwards...

[Angie G]

Kate you are not doing anything wrong If you work you what you want then get what you want. Dressing for the most part is not a want it is a real need please don't ask why it just is If it make you happy all the better. Your not a bad person because you need to dress YOUR NOT HURTING ANYONE. You are not 6 years old and shouldn't need anyone's approval. So stop beating yourself up hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Tina B.]

KateC I have not read all of your post, so I can only go by this one. But i would like to add a thought or two of my own to the conversation.
First, you need to deal with who you are, you sound like you have not excepted yourself. Until you do, you will fear the worst from everyone. And remember everyone spends money on things they don't really need, but if the bills are paid, and food in the house, then a new trinket now and again hurts no one,(I'll bet if you look around you will find things your GF has bought that was not really needed also). How many men have you seen wearing a Basketball Jersey from their favorite team, and you know they are not cheap, and the owner does not really belong on that team! (or football Jersey) So stop feeling guilty about the little stuff.
Understanding and agreement are nice, but permission is for children, not grownups. And while you need to work on your accepting yourself, if she got that upset about you not answering your phone, and blows up that easy, just maybe she need to work on her compulsion to Control things.
Take it from an old person, life is too short to let anyone make you miserable, and wearing a dress does not make you a bad person, Talk to her, and come to an understanding that works for both of you, for both of your sakes!

[KateC]

I will talk to her, there's no doubt about that one, but only when time is right... A big thing I see issue is mainly my dishonestly of hiding this (but of course this isn't the bad dishonest, hiding because of afraid, not hiding because trying to inflict malice on her), She'll really be on this issue and I'll take severe heat for it.

Secondly is the dressing up/womanly things, it's probably embarrassment to her, in any given situation until she accepts me. This is probably the hardest part and will probably never get through to her.

[Lori A]

KateC,
I came from a very broken and dysfunctional home. My parents divorced when I was about 8 or 9, mom left town with a black man, mind you this was in the south in the early 70's and all my "friends" knew who she was sleeping with. Then dad re-married an alcoholic prescription drug addicted woman he met in a bar. They were physically and verbally abusive to extremes you can't even imagine. And the whole town knew it, neighbors, pastors, church congregation, school teachers/administrators and even the courts all whom turned their heads and looked the other way.
I had no friends unless I had some money from push mowing a lawn that I often had to push the mower a couple of miles to get to the lawn to be mown.
No one liked me, and in truth I didn't even like myself, so why should they.
After I joined the Army, when I was stationed in Germany I happened upon some self help psychology books I think one was called, "Why Doesn't Anybody Like Me?" and that was the start of a long process of reading, (which I was slow at and still I'm not as fast as I wish I was) SHPB's.
I was forever being told I was dumb, stupid, lazy, useless....
but I learned they were all wrong. I am rather intelligent with an IQ of about 136 the last time it was tested, and I have many talents in many areas and as I like to say a mind like a steel trap,
rusted shut and illegal in 37 states because I don't forget what I've learned by reading, hearing or seeing.
I also learned about stinking thinking along the way, and your thread is full of them, here is a link to some: http://principlesforpeace.com/2009/01/28/thinking-errors-list/
And you would do yourself a world of good if you read Dr. Norman Vincent Peals book "The Power Of Positive Thinking"

Now you said she had just "finished up the last of her studies EVER in life." She must be very old if she has every degree offered by all of the Colleges and Universities and speaks every language known to man. And did she pay all of the rent, utilities,and buy all of the groceries and clothes as well as her books and supplies while she was getting all of this high fal-u-tin ed-u-ma-kay-shun while you got drunk, got stoned and wasted all of your waking hours at the clubs and the malls or were you contributing to the cause and carrying your weight and helping carry hers by giving her more time to devote to her studies?
If you have a job and it is covering the bills, and if you have spare cash why not treat yourself to something that you want? She got what she wanted, an education in the field of her interest.
Now if you are putting it on plastic and having to pay interest on it and then hiding it in your closet to see which piles up faster, the interest or the dust, that may be a problem yall need to sort out.
My wife is supportive, and often buys me things weather we are together, or if she finds something at a flea market or yard sale, and she actually likes to see me dressed but sometimes still fusses about how much girley stuff I accumulate on my own.
Do I feel guilty? Not a chance! the bills are paid, we aren't going homeless or hungry or doing without utilities and transportation, even if all four vehicles that are currently registered and insured are old and in need of repairs, they are all paid for, because we worked for them.
In other words, as long as you have your priorities straight there is nothing wrong with splurging on yourself once in a while as long as you let her do the same within your budget. IMOHO

[Karren H]

There comes a pont in your life where you just can't feel bad anymore about doing something that you enjoy.... even if those around you think it's wrong... As long as your not hurting anyone else, then I don't really see a problem... For me it's always been family first... then work then almost every other damn thing in the world and if I have a little time left over I can claim, it's mine to do with the way I see fit.... and I'm not going to feel bad about that....

[KateC]

I don't know, I guess I feel owned by her in some ways, that's why. Probably also because since I met her when I was 16-17, she's the only person I've know through out my childhood till now (28). Same way as letting your parents accept you, you want to be accepted.

Granted I shouldn't feel bad for the stuff I like, but I can't help it sometimes. I don't know honestly... what I know is, today I went out to the xpressions group, it was wonderful! The people there all understand and are very nice, all feeling same way as I do more or less. I just sat and listened most of the time, didn't talk very much but the fact I got to go as Katie to a public place with people interaction (even not really using my femme voice, was using half-half voice but whatever) it made me happy. Just walking around as Katie, makes me happy, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's fun or different or just being female is something enjoyable. Not to say I hate my male life but I've never really had "fun" walking as a guy.

Could be this is just something new but at least I don't hate it or feel it's disgusting to being in women's clothing and make up.

She's coming back tomorrow, I have to pack this stuff up =(, I can't tell her yet, it's not the right time, she's probably still "stressed" from her schooling still... wants to relax this long weekend, so I'll try to put in more effort to be a supportive partner. Notice I DID not use gender here, I didn't say "be a manly BF/fiance/husband and do powerful things".

One thing though, she has intuition, she's suspicious that something's up, that I'm hiding something and will "hide" stuff away before she gets here. I wonder how women do it, even being a women part time I cannot get this intuition.

[Carly D.]

For whatever the reason I feel ashamed of my cross dressing, otherwise I think I would wear open and freely as much as I wanted.. and why do I feel ashamed?? my parents never really punished me for doing this so much as I can remember.. I can't place why I feel like I am a pervert or have these feelings of being a pervert.. or why it seems like if I am wearing shoes out at night or day time that I have to be prepared to run.. or defend myself..

[KateC]

I think that's different than me... I feel "wrong" or "ashamed" about it because of what someone important thinks about it, aka my S/O.. if I were single, I wouldn't feel anything at all, I would be 100% fine of how I spend my time outside of work.

Now I don't know if I'll spend every waking minute as a girl (also do to hygienic reasons and comfort - wigs, tight clothing)

But I know I'll do it as often as I can or feel necessary.

Why must this be so difficult =/

[Karren H]

Getting over the shame thingy was a biggy.... but after that... crossdressing became super fun!!! Something to be enjoyed... just a blast.... like a hobby and a sport all rolled into one.... A Spobby!!! lol

[Alberta_Girl77]

There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. There is nothing wrong with spending money on things that you will enjoy. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. There IS something wrong if you require approval from anyone else to be who you are. You most certainly do NOT require anyone's approval to be who you are.

Gabrielle... I am going to tattoo this line in my head. I want to embrace my feminity and not feel bad or shameful anymore. Any advice on how to get past the feelings?

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

There is nothing wrong with crossdressing. There is nothing wrong with spending money on things that you will enjoy. There is nothing wrong with being who you are. There IS something wrong if you require approval from anyone else to be who you are. You most certainly do NOT require anyone's approval to be who you are.

Gabrielle... I am going to tattoo this line in my head. I want to embrace my feminity and not feel bad or shameful anymore. Any advice on how to get past the feelings?

I can't tell you how to get past your own feelings of shame or guilt. I can only say that I overcame my own shame and guilt by first accepting who and what I am, and then making sure my wife knew and understood as well. I got lucky because she was accepting. Even if she was not, I would still not be ashamed of who I am. I might be a very miserable, bitter person because of a divorce, but I would not be ashamed. I spent too much of my life being ashamed of what amounted to be nothing more than the lies and garbage society implanted into my head.

Perhaps self-acceptance is simply something you need to concentrate on in order to get past feelings of shame. Accept yourself. I think if you can accept yourself, you will truly also love yourself and if you love yourself, you will mostly likely not feel shame. If you're married or in a relationship, 'fess up to you SO. If that seems too difficult because of a potentially disastrous outcome, then... I'm truly sorry.

[Fab Karen]

A loving relationship does not involve one person telling the other person what to do.

[Sheila]

A loving relationship does not involve one person telling the other person what to do.

but it does encompass taking that other persons feeling into account, 7 doing your best not to harm them in any way shape or form .... not always attainaable I know, but still we should try :straightface:

[Fab Karen]

but it does encompass taking that other persons feelings into account, 7 doing your best not to harm them in any way shape or form .... not always attainaable I know, but still we should try :straightface:
I agree, there's no contradiction to what I said.

[Nicki B]

I think that's different than me... I feel "wrong" or "ashamed" about it because of what someone important thinks about it, aka my S/O.. if I were single, I wouldn't feel anything at all, I would be 100% fine of how I spend my time outside of work.

Forgive me, but from your other posts that doesn't seem to be true. It's what you think she thinks - it's your construction.

You haven't yet accepted yourself, as others have said - when you can, you won't feel so guilty?



Ask yourself what money is for - and what life is for?

[KateC]

Maybe it is but I think I know how she thinks after 12 years, more or less at least.

Well I have accepted myself now... maybe not 100% but I'm not going to lie to myself.

I know what money/life is for, but again this is her thinking again, saving money etc, using it wisely... I get that too... I don't know, I feel controlled sometimes as well


Forgive me, but from your other posts that doesn't seem to be true. It's what you think she thinks - it's your construction.

You haven't yet accepted yourself, as others have said - when you can, you won't feel so guilty?



Ask yourself what money is for - and what life is for?


but it does encompass taking that other persons feeling into account, 7 doing your best not to harm them in any way shape or form .... not always attainaable I know, but still we should try :straightface:

So how do you do this Sheila if the person takes EVERYTHING against what you feel or do.

How can you win against this or even work with it.

Just say the SO of a CD is 100% against all CDing, how can you make anything work.

[Sheila]

So how do you do this Sheila if the person takes EVERYTHING against what you feel or do.
How can you win against this or even work with it.
Just say the SO of a CD is 100% against all CDing, how can you make anything work.

If it is against everything you say or do hun, then you can't, but by reading the above it appears that you are saying that CDing is the only thing in life that is important to you .... maybe not what you meant but it is the only thing you mention hun ........... nobody is any one thing, we all have varying things we do in life, various dreams and ambitions we want/need to pursue, you need to prioratize what is important to you and how best you can achieve that, if CDing is high on your list of priorities and your SO is 100% against it, no matter how much you love her, it may be time to take a long hard look and see if you can live with the restriction you fell her non acceptance places on you and your life :hugs: