Crossdresser...the big lie

[Kayla Shadows]

Has anyone here ever tried to convince themselves that is was just crossdressing when they believed it was more? Maybe out of fear..or thinking you couldn't handle really being you.Any other reason?

If you dont want to read about me,you can just answer the above question.

I'd like to thank everyone here,my friends and all the people who have stood by me through my hard times.This last year was certainly a test.Probably without a doubt the most difficult time in my life so far.I kinda had a feeling about what I thought I always knew..and tried to forget.For so long I felt that I should have been born female.My struggle with finally facing all these things was enormous.As much as I tried to forget them,they hit me back just as hard.Quite a experience.Ive also mentioned that my father past away this summer.I just neglected to say that is was suicide.That did not set well inside and it still really bothers me.With my relationship ending,life issues,past issues and so many other little things inbetween...I dont know how to explain what this is exactly like.It is madness.One of those times where I was just like,I want out.This is just way too much for me to handle at once.At times I am surprized that I am in the state I am right now.Just wanted to say thanks for bareing with me.Its really been something.

[StaceyJane]

I sure have. It has taken me a long time to acept myself.

[Karren H]

It took me years to get over the "I must be gay if I like to dress like a girl" and guess what.... I'm not and I wasn't born in the wrong body and I don't want to be a female..... so no lies here!!! I'm just a guy who likes to dress like a girl sometimes.... I'm me, no mater what clothes I wear!!

[Sara Jessica]

It's all part of the self-discovery as to where we really reside in tg land.

First of all, it sounds like you have been through so much of late. But your post here demonstrates such clarity. If you're not at peace with your being, you fake it well.

So as for your question, many of us I'm sure have told the big lie, believed the big lie, that it was just a dressing thing. And for some it might be just that and that's all good. But for others (raising my hand here), the big lie was told, in my case to the one I love the most in this world and then perpetuated over the years. Perhaps it was a way to let the cat out of the bag but at the end of the day, it was a lie.

You see, from my lovely gg's perspective, it's easier to cope with a "CD'er" than one who is truly ts who has the capability to explode into transition at any given moment.

[Kathi Lake]

I agree with Karren. I feel that as a crossdresser, I truly have the best of both worlds - I can be a guy when I need to, and, when desire strikes, I can be a girl. Life is good! Why change?

Kathi

[Nicole Erin]

Has anyone here ever tried to convince themselves that is was just crossdressing when they believed it was more? Maybe out of fear..or thinking you couldn't handle really being you.Any other reason?



I am not a big fan of labels. I know I am more than a CD.
a CD does not hate the male side. A CD does not sit there and wish he/she was born "Nicole" Instead of John*
Kayla, like I always say, one has to decide how they want to live, labels are not important.

*names have been changed to protect the guilty

Now about the rest of your post -
Well I gotta say I am glad we became friends. I know when I log to SL I am always glad to see you are on. on either account I have a few friends but usually if you are not on I just say heck with it and log off. As much of an ass as I make of myself at the TRC I am suprised you put up with me. :heehee: I am like "Drop dead Fred". Annoying and obnoxious but meaning well.
Some say web friends are not important but I think they are. Behind an avatar/name it is a human.

See Kayla, before I contacted you much thru here or SL, I asked a certain somebody about it, and this person said you would be glad to meet new people. I am glad we did and hopefully we can stick together for a while, after all you are an important part of my online life.

People do care. Just try to think of RL and online people who would miss you if you were not about. I know I would miss you.

Your Friend, Nicole

[BrendaDaniel70]

I know I'm not only speaking for myself when I say that I've asked myself those questions more than once..more than a hundred times. I can remember my head swimming with possible answers. I once even decided to try to date men thinking, hey, this must be how it is if I dress this way. Of coarse, I realized pretty quickly that it wasn't what I wanted.
But I know I'm being honest with myself when I answer those questions now. I am a cross dresser, nothing more, nothing less.

[Missy Tanya]

It took me years to get over the "I must be gay if I like to dress like a girl" and guess what.... I'm not and I wasn't born in the wrong body and I don't want to be a female..... so no lies here!!! I'm just a guy who likes to dress like a girl sometimes.... I'm me, no mater what clothes I wear!!

You hit it right on the head, I feel the same way you do Karren. Why live life tied to one mode of dress, when two can be so much fun. Sometimes I just need to let my feminine side out and party.

Missy Tanya

[MartineXdrs2]

[QUOTE=Kayla Shadows;1678757]Has anyone here ever tried to convince themselves that is was just crossdressing when they believed it was more? Maybe out of fear..or thinking you couldn't handle really being you.Any other reason?

Sure, as others have said, "I must be gay",,, but no, I'm not,,

Just as there is huge spectrum of sexual genders, and I'm definitely not mainstream.. there is an interesting (to me anyway) collection of orientations and gender that I'm attracted to, straight males are not in that group.

It's only taken me 40 some odd years to come to terms with this... now to get the SO to come to the same terms...

Martine

[Patty]

It took me years to get over the "I must be gay if I like to dress like a girl" and guess what.... I'm not and I wasn't born in the wrong body and I don't want to be a female..... so no lies here!!! I'm just a guy who likes to dress like a girl sometimes.... I'm me, no mater what clothes I wear!!

Could not of said it better.

[Lisa Catherine]

I really wondered for years if there was something REALLY wrong with me, and I repeatedly pushed my femme persona further into the corner of a dusty closet of my mind after wrapping another layer of duct tape on the box, trying to put it out of my mind while denying her existence and calling myself a freak. Obsessive-compulsive behavior, along with depression were just a couple of the problems to begin with.
My growing up was a constant stream of verbal and psychological abuse, and the aftereffects continued well into adulthood. I finally sought good help, and it culminated in my first CD venture, SCC '08, the greatest inner self-healing I've EVER had in my life. Halfway through it, I looked at myself in the mirror after makeup removal and showering, and for the first time in quite awhile, I looked at my male self, and was happy. That night, I HAD to go to bed en drab, I was "femmed out", the next morning, I "dolled up" and enjoyed the rest of SCC as Lisa, and had a BLAST!!:daydreaming::D:heehee: Returning home afterward, I saw myself in a fashion that I never had before, and many things that used to make me "hit the roof" didn't even phase me anymore!! I know who and what I am, and I ACCEPT MYSELF, and I accept others like I never did before! I like and enjoy being my male self like I never have before, and I love getting to be my femme self as well! :hugs:
I too, have had to endure the horror and psychological trauma of a suicide in the family, for me it was a cousin that killed himself, losing a parent has GOT to be a lot more psychologically and spiritually traumatical, no ifs, ands, or buts, hon!! Please, talk to someone about it, it'll help, get it off your chest and help yourself!! I just wish I could do more to help you than just post something online, I know what having psychological trauma is like! I just wish I could see and hug you in person!!:love:

[Raquel June]

My oldest memories involve wishing I was a girl, long before I ever knew what a CD or TS was. The reason I considered myself a CD for a bit was not because I didn't want to be a woman; it was because I didn't think I would ever be able to go beyond occasional CDing. I have a few pictures that have turned out quasi-decent, but honestly the idea of me as a woman is comical. I've decided I'd rather be comfortable with myself than normal, but I still often think I belong in a mental hospital.



It is madness.

It is Sparta!



One of those times where I was just like,I want out.This is just way too much for me to handle at once.At times I am surprized that I am in the state I am right now.Just wanted to say thanks for bareing with me.Its really been something.

My life has been pretty tough lately, and being TS has made it tougher. I've been suicidal more than once. I know this sounds morbid, but two years ago I was so depressed and wanting to die for so long that I came out of it feeling liberated -- because if you think you're better off dead what do you have to worry about?

Life sucks, but I tried conforming to various social conventions long enough. These days I actually kinda like myself. So I think I might end up OK.

[Edwina]

It took me years to get over the "I must be gay if I like to dress like a girl" and guess what.... I'm not and I wasn't born in the wrong body and I don't want to be a female..... so no lies here!!! I'm just a guy who likes to dress like a girl sometimes.... I'm me, no mater what clothes I wear!!


I think this fits me too. Thanks Karren.

:love:

Edwina

[Sarah...]

Has anyone here ever tried to convince themselves that is was just crossdressing when they believed it was more? Maybe out of fear..or thinking you couldn't handle really being you.Any other reason?


Yes. I did that for 30 years. I was quite convinced that I could handle being the real me. However, because of my feelings for my family I thought that they wouldn't be able to handle the real me and that's what stopped me transitioning earlier. I didn't want to hurt them.

How wrong I was. It seems that I caused more hurt and anguish by pretending to be male than I do now. My sister summed it up by saying that for years she felt our family was somehow "broken" but that now it feels whole again and functional.

That was a good post, Kayla. It's hard work achieving that sort of clarity amongst the trials of everyday life so well done. :)

Sarah...

[Kelli Michelle]

Has anyone here ever tried to convince themselves that is was just crossdressing when they believed it was more? Maybe out of fear..or thinking you couldn't handle really being you.Any other reason?

I don't know about convincing myself, but I have and still do think about it, all the time. It's kind of like going to college, and trying to figure what you want to do when you graduate. Some people have known from an early age that they are going to be doctors for example (TSs). Some decide at some point what they want to do, and, and others never really decide, but pick a major, graduate, take a job, still wondering what the right job for them is. Of course at least these people are making choices. Most of us have no choice.

I am unsure, and probably afraid to confront that side of me, except a little at a time. Still I am determined to KNOW. For me, not knowing would drive me crazy.

[Deb The Brunette]

but I still often think I belong in a mental hospital.


Hey...You can have the padded room next to mine :bonk:



.

[Karren H]

Hey...You can have the padded room next to mine :bonk:

.


I'd much rather have a room full of padded bras!! :)

[Deb The Brunette]

I'd much rather have a room full of padded bras!! :)

Now how did I know that was coming from you karen lol


.

[Karren H]

Lucky guess? :D

[Carly D.]

I don't think I ever thought of myself as being gay, I just never thought that this was normal like everyone did this.. it turns out just the coolest of the cool cross dress.. that's my explanation.. ok not really.. I felt like I wasn't right.. like I was or am some sort of freak.. but a happy freak no less.. I have come to grips with the fact that I am a cross dresser and accept the fact that I am a cross dresser.. so why can't I tell anyone that I cross dress?? I said I accept that I am a cross dresser not that I am particularly proud of the fact I suppose.. maybe the day will come when I feel like I can shout it from the rooftops that I am a cross dresser and proud of it.. just not today.. and likely not tomorrow either..

[Sarah_GG]

One of my brothers is also a CDer (he doesn't know that I know) and the other has had SRS. JoAnne Wheeler

Hi JoAnne

Couldn't you approach your brother and let him know that you know and share your own secret with him? Would you like him to know about you? You can't change what's happened so far in your life, but you can do things differently in the future. Is your brother's SO accepting of his CDing? If so it may help your SO to embrace your own transgendered issues, if she has someone to talk to and maybe share her thoughts with.

I don't know whether anyone's asked you this before (and if it was me I apologise!) but could you direct your wife towards this forum to open a dialogue and broaden her understanding?

:straightface:


This is just way too much for me to handle at once.At times I am surprized that I am in the state I am right now.Just wanted to say thanks for bareing with me.Its really been something.

Sorry to have gone off message with my response to JoAnne Wheeler.

Kayla, I just wanted to say that things will get better for you. You have had a lot to deal with and no one expects you to bounce through it all with a smile, it's natural that you feel like you do. But, please understand that this difficult time will pass. You'll be able to address your issues as you move forwards, don't rush anything, just let life take it's course for a while and things will take a natural turn.

:hugs:

[LisaM]

Kayla,

I am 50 years old and I struggle every day with the same issues. I wish I were just a crossdresser and I wish I was comfortable with being just a crossdresser but I have never thought I was.

I don't believe in labels and I think there is a wide spectrum in the TG world and I struggle every day to find where I fit in. I just want to live without struggling---well, that may not be the right wording because everyone seems to struggle. I guess I just want to be able to function at a higher level than I am currently able to as a result of my gender issues.

I have sacrificed my life for my family and I have no regrets about that but I am still trying to find a way to function better. If anyone finds the way please let me know.

[ReineD]

I spent decades trying to convince myself that I was "only a crossdresser," though I always knew otherwise.


Has anyone here ever tried to convince themselves that is was just crossdressing when they believed it was more?


and others never really decide, but pick a major, graduate, take a job, still wondering what the right job for them is. Of course at least these people are making choices. Most of us have no choice.

I am unsure, and probably afraid to confront that side of me, except a little at a time. Still I am determined to KNOW. For me, not knowing would drive me crazy.

Although I cannot put myself in a TG's shoes concerning gender decisions, I have experienced a great deal of uncertainty in my life over two major issues. In one issue I also discovered that the 'knowing' was always there, despite my attempts (for over 20 years) to convince myself otherwise. My lack of action was not because I was unsure. Rather, I put off taking action for fear of the consequences, even though deep down I knew where I was headed.

The other "am I or am I not" situation proved to be false, even though it defied what I wanted to believe in. Although I was stuck in the not knowing for a number of years and it drove me crazy, the mere fact that I did not have that nagging, "deeper" certainty was telling. The 'not knowing' ended up being my answer, which ultimately proved that I was not.

I found it interesting to note the different degrees of conviction in the above comments. Sharon "always knew otherwise", Kayla "believes her CDing is more", and Kelli is unsure. In her example, the person "never really decides, but makes a choice and would wonder still if it was the right one".

Just something to think about. :2c:


:love:

[Kelli Michelle]

Here. as I see it, is the problem. I believe, in a vacuum, most of us would come to the true and correct decision about what we are, and where we want to go. But, let's face it, some people will "ALWAYS be unsure. They may not be sure of anything in their lives. Maybe I am one of those. However, since we don't live in a vacuum, we often are unsure about where we fit.

Another point is that due to constraints (real and imagined), we are often restricted in this search. A person who is either in a relationship/married (with a supporting spouse or SO) or single, and has none of these constraints, is much more likely to find out more about themselves. But a person who is in a relationhip (non-supporting SO or spouse), or who is ashamed, embarrassed, just won't or can't have quality time to express that side of them to any large degree, is going to have that discovery stunted, so to speak.

How do we get around that without offending others, we ask? Should offending others (wife, kids, family, friends) even be a consideration? Is a current relationship as important as me knowing who I am (I am not speaking of responsibilities, those always remain)? These and other questions "dog" us for years, with no resolution. BUT, we really need to at least make progress on the many questions, even if it's a little at a time, with help or not. Without this progress, we are going to feel frustrated in the best circumstances, and severely depressed (and worse) at the worst.

[DemonicDaughter]

Kayla, it is so good to finally see you really accepting yourself. I'm sorry I had to be a factor in your "difficult time lately" but... well... in a weird way, I suppose it forced you to face things right then and there. I guess I'm always looking for that silver lining.

I am so proud of you for starting this thread and some of your others, I know you are struggling to express yourself. Few here have any idea of how much it takes for you to be outwardly expressive much less emotional. But that will make the biggest difference in your world and I know its giving you a whole new life. :)


See Kayla, before I contacted you much thru here or SL, I asked a certain somebody about it, and this person said you would be glad to meet new people...

:hugs:

[Emily01]

let me put it this way.....i have this notion that no matter what gender i came into this world with i would have complaints.

no, i'm not a chronic malcontent (not much at least! lol)......i just think either way i wouldn't have received in the womb the full hormonal bath to be pleased either way.

i would love to be female and i'm also pleased to be male. if i were a genetic girl i'd likely feel the opposite. we all carry crosses but sometimes we have to get down off the damn things because they need the wood for more important things.

these days i'm just grateful to have a roof over my head, a family in good health, a higher power who provides good orderly direction in my life, the affection of friends, and generally good relations with the world around me. i might want more time to time but i don't need more.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I think the only lie about my crossdressing is all the years I spent refusing to believe I was one.

At first, I just thought I was a total mental-screw-up or somehow possessed by evil, demonic urges (Catholic upbringing kind of did that to me).

In my teens and 20's, I was convinced that I would never need to dress up again once I found a sexy babe to dress up for me. That got thrown out the window when I married a woman who dressed exactly how I wanted to dress. How on earth could I still have the need to dress?

Even then, I still continued not to believe I was not a cd. I genuinely thought I was some kind of freak and terrible person, but not a cd.

And now here I am. I'm a full-blown cd. And I LOVE it! :) The dark part of my life that haunted me for so long turned out to be the part of me that I loved the most once I finally accepted who and what I am.

I don't want SRS or anything. I like my guy-side... not as much as my girl-side, but I do like being able to be whatever gender I choose to be (if only in appearance). I like my man-parts and so does my wife.

So my only real lie was refusing to believe I was a cd because I grew up knowing and understanding that cd's were weird, freakish, perverted, deviants. That's what society taught me about cd's. Unfortunately, that's still what most people would think of me as. :(

[Joy Carter]

I did more damage by not accepting and letting it control me. Now it's no big deal and I like myself pretty much. I know I'm TS, just that my life is set, and I just have to be happy being a low rent CD, rather than the woman I was meant to be.

[linnea]

I am pretty comfortable now with who I am and that I am transgendered (the term my daughter informed me was the appropriate designation for crossdressers and others). I enjoy my femme self and my male self and all the things in between. But it has been a long, arduous journey pot-holed with self-doubt, guilt, fear, and uncertainty. I am grateful to have moved through and beyond all of that.

[Danielle H]

First off, forgive me for not reading the whole thread, time grows short. I swear I read the first page!

Secondly, and most importantly, thanks for this thread, it is an important issue we all as CD/TG/whatever must address sometime in our lives. And I know I myself and others would not be able to discuss it openly anywhere but here.

Myself, I have asked the question "Am I gay for being this way?" many times, then I imagined what it would be like to actually BE with a man and it just grossed me out entirely. Women are just too beautiful!

So it takes me back to where I started, skirts, hose, and heels are so cool! Why be restricted to pants, t-shirts, and flat shoes when I can have so much beautiful variety!

[charlie]

Hello kayla!
If I were just a CD'er it would be much easier. Instead I have constant urges to dress and go out and at times I do not think I can control them. How much simpler it was when i was young and dressed just for the sexual release of it! i would don a few undergarmets, and a few minutes later would be hiding my garments and telling myself that I should not have done that and will not do it again (right!). Now it is serious. Now I feel I must dress completely, have the right fashions, have the heels, makekup and hair just right.....etc. I want to see how a woman feels about dating, shopping, eating in resturants. It is complicated, confusing and wonderful all at the same time.

[Kayla Shadows]

Thank you all for the wonderful responses and support.I tried hard to sum it up in short length for you.It was late and I was really tired so Im glad it made sense.Ive had way more stress than I can handle but Im trying to take some off me.This is also my third week without cigarettes and that is proving hard but,Im hanging in there.

Im tired tonight too so I dont know how the rest of this is gonna come out...or if Im gonna say everything I need to say but,..here goes



I'm me, no mater what clothes I wear!!

Me too.Its just the me in those clothes that always raised question.




First of all, it sounds like you have been through so much of late. But your post here demonstrates such clarity. If you're not at peace with your being, you fake it well.

I fake it so real..I am beyond fake- Courtney Love

At times it hasnt worked though.I pretty much just looked crazy.I'd put on a fake smile and act like nothings wrong and then the next minute I cant take it and lose it.Im trying to be calm lately and take things slow but I am no longer trying to pretend everything is fine just because that would be better.Its hard at work.I try to enter with a normal front while I am just so ripped up inside.



You see, from my lovely gg's perspective, it's easier to cope with a "CD'er" than one who is truly ts who has the capability to explode into transition at any given moment.

I know what you mean.Ive thought about that a lot.Sometimes I dont know who would deal with me and it hurts.Other times I feel like I sleep to deep to even care.


Why change?Kathi

For me,just to feel right.To put together all the thoughts and feelings that Ive had since I was little.All the reasons that seemed to be behind never being married or having kids.This secret that for some reason I knew wasnt going away but I was so afraid to speak or accept it myself.


I am glad we did and hopefully we can stick together for a while, after all you are an important part of my online life.

People do care. Just try to think of RL and online people who would miss you if you were not about. I know I would miss you.

Your Friend, Nicole

Thank you :) I didnt want to have those thoughts but there was so much pain and confusion at levels I have never experienced.It was bad.

You are a great friend and Im glad I met you too.I hear ya though,I hate labels too.I just needed something to use for a separation of ideas.



I too, have had to endure the horror and psychological trauma of a suicide in the family, for me it was a cousin that killed himself, losing a parent has GOT to be a lot more psychologically and spiritually traumatical, no ifs, ands, or buts, hon!! Please, talk to someone about it, it'll help, get it off your chest and help yourself!! I just wish I could do more to help you than just post something online, I know what having psychological trauma is like! I just wish I could see and hug you in person!!:love:

You did a lot with what you just said here.Thank you :hugs:
It is very hard though.Things often play back in my head and I miss him a lot.I understood but its still something horrible for me.I know he was so much pain and it never let up.I just didnt know this was going to happen like this.They last thing I heard was,I'll see you tomarrow.I love you..but there was no tomarrow.


My oldest memories involve wishing I was a girl, long before I ever knew what a CD or TS was.

Mine were too.I thought something was really really wrong.I understood a lot of what you said.Ive had some morbid thoughts as well.Most based on how everything just seems so messed up and I dont even know what is worth fighting for.Ive got out of that but Im not in the light yet.Im working on that by not trying to worry so much and just let life run as it wants.When opportunity is there to change what I see fit,I will do what I feel is best.I'm gonna take things slow,breathe,be myself and just try to live and have a little fun while Im here for now.



It is Sparta!

lol,that was great



I've decided I'd rather be comfortable with myself than normal, but I still often think I belong in a mental hospital.


Hey...You can have the padded room next to mine


I'd much rather have a room full of padded bras!!


Now how did I know that was coming from you karen lol.


Lucky guess? :D

I dont know how much luck I would need on that guess Karren,lol

Can I have the room on the other side Deb?








Kayla, I just wanted to say that things will get better for you. You have had a lot to deal with and no one expects you to bounce through it all with a smile, it's natural that you feel like you do. But, please understand that this difficult time will pass. You'll be able to address your issues as you move forwards, don't rush anything, just let life take it's course for a while and things will take a natural turn.

:hugs:

:hugs: Thank you.Im trying to be positive and do just that.Its hard but I really need to relax and not think so much on things.Not rushing anything is good advice.Im just going to take my time and let things fall into place.


Kayla, it is so good to finally see you really accepting yourself. I'm sorry I had to be a factor in your "difficult time lately" but... well... in a weird way, I suppose it forced you to face things right then and there. I guess I'm always looking for that silver lining.

I am so proud of you for starting this thread and some of your others, I know you are struggling to express yourself. Few here have any idea of how much it takes for you to be outwardly expressive much less emotional. But that will make the biggest difference in your world and I know its giving you a whole new life. :)



:hugs:

Thank you :) :hugs:

[cdterri]

I spent 27 yrs dreaming of becoming a girl. Finally made the move to become one, but after 2yrs of living the life decided I had missed the best parts (ie) frilly little dresses, going to school, church, playing with other children, dating, cheerleader, You get the point. Also had no desire to be with a man and missed some of the male aspects of life. I am a crossdresser, I have accepted that. I enjoy wearing womens clothing. I must hide this from most to protect Myself and My loved ones. But I did realize that over time We can adjust to life as it is and make the most of the time We have.

[Sarah_GG]

I had missed the best parts (ie) frilly little dresses, going to school, church, playing with other children, dating, cheerleader, You get the point.

Actually no! Sorry, I don't think that's the point at all!?

:doh:

[MarcellaMcNul]

I've been thinking about your post; multiple life changing events piled into the same span of time,and yet you persevere....AND you quit smoking to boot!

You are stronger than you know.

..The question: I'm in the same camp headed up by Karren Hutton.This was clarified for me in my mid 30"s by a therapist I spoke with when I was first getting sober from alcohol.She pointed out to me that if I was truly was gay then how come every hansom man walking by doesn't give me an erection? It was a "moment of clarity" and a "duh" moment rolled into one.:D

...The biggie: My father used his shotgun to commit suicide in the master bedroom of our house, early christmas eve morning, just before my third birthday.

..Quote:" I don"t know how to explain what this is exactly like,it's madness!"

I am someone you don't have to explain it to. You just described most of my life from misguided,mispent youth to being arrested and sent to drug rehab before I was 18. Then out at 21 and into the "night-crawler/vampire lifestyle of tending bar with it's hard drinking and partying until hitting 35 and pretty much crawling on hands and knees into AA and therapy.

20+ yrs later I've managed to learn a few things I'd like to share with you.

I heard a man say "We used our mouths to ruin our lives(drinking,etc), now we used them to save to save it"...by talking and sharing the thoughts and feelings eating at us from within.

I was gagging on a jumble of emotions that included; guilt, grief, anger, despair, anxiety, and confusion...just to name a few, and try as I might I just couldn't get them to stay swallowed.

The inside of my head was a pot of boiling alphabet soup which in turn kept my gut churning.

A side effect of keeping all this bottled up is isolation, I compared my insides to everyone else's outside and felt different.

A side effect of being transgendered is isolation; I compare my insides to others outsides and feel different.

A side effect of being an S.O.S.(Survivor of Suicide) is isolation. Go out anywhere, anyday, with any group of people of any number and have everyone who's father committed suicide raise thier hand.

My life is FAR from perfect now but I have regained a significant portion of it and I am able to live with myself today only because I was lucky enough to find my way to people who taught me how to unload and sort myself out.

A pile of laundry is just a bunch of clothes until you run them out on the line where you can see each piece for what it really is.
This also makes room in the basket for today and tomorrow's people and issues.

Friends and family who are trustworthy and compassionate enough to lend a sympathetic ear are absolutely essential and yet incapable of offering the understanding and identification with those who experienced what we have.

I had a hard time openning up with people. I am by nature introverted and subject to social anxiety. It makes no difference I did it anyway.

I urge you to do the same starting with: find and S.O.S. group and sit for a minimum of five meetings. I promise you it will be doing yourself a favor.

Best Wishes, Marcella.

[curse within]

For those who believe,

God made us all, as I am sure there wasn't a his and her fig leaf in the Garden of Eden.

People made clothing and assigned a sex to them, through these clothing went thought and detail in the time or era of the apperal. Female clothing of softer and finer material was designed to enhance the appeal and features that attracts the males without, in most cases exposing the goodies.

I feel an attraction to not only the women but the clothing she wears, but this is just me and my opinion, I have a stronger attraction rather to women without clothes. I don't want to be a female but sometimes its what she wants me to be. Is this a sign of evolution? I doubt that as I feel no matter what the material and design though out the years that man has exisited there has also been transgender. I would bet that if cave women could only wear rabbit fur and cave men bear hide, some cavemen would secretly try on some rabbit fur.

Just a thought .

[Joanne f]

Yes done it for years but now i think that i am in touch with reality.

[Kayla Shadows]

I've been thinking about your post; multiple life changing events piled into the same span of time,and yet you persevere....AND you quit smoking to boot!

You are stronger than you know.



Thank you.Things that have led me to the state Im in have all happened within about a 6 month time span.Its been very difficult.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me and everyone.

One big issues has been my father.I got a call at work one day and that he was gone.I know he has been in so much pain and other life happening adding were too much.He ended up taking the whole bottle of the medication he was given.My stepmother found him outside on a lounge chair with the empty bottle next to him and a note.I was supposed to stop by and see him after work that day...

My tg issues are another big one.I supressed for so long and was then given the opportunity to be myself fully and my thoughts went out of control with all the things I realized.I always knew something was different from the time I was very young.Always questioned why I felt so different but never knew why.I always ran from it and tried to be whatever "normal" was.The first person to know about me was DD when she got it out of me.She is a beautiful person and did everything she could to make me feel comfortable with it.There were just deeper issues that I started to see with that freedom and I did not know how to express it.I was afraid of it.

Ive bottled my emotions for so long.Being a little different,people always treated me as different.I stopped talking about how I felt and thought bad of myself because thats just how I was made to feel.Thats not who I want to be.I want that old life and hateful people away.There is still a lot in my life that I need to clear out and change.I need a new start so bad.There were times recently that I would say,my life depends on it.I dont really have family,I cant really invite my older friends over cuz I do not think they would like this,the ones who know live no place near me...and all I know is that I am absolutely exausted lately with everything....

[Tora]

Kayla, Wow, the strength and courage you have, will get you on to better days. Your fathers demise hits like a ton of bricks. This group shows its true colors, when one of our own is in distress. Be ready to seek one on one council. This hobby is sometimes a minor sign post of something much more intense going on in our lifes. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.
By sharing you have helped others know they are not alone.

[Hali]

Hi Kayla sorry for your loss and the stress you are going throug i wish i can be of help. I hope you will come out of it as a better person.

Talking about what CDs claim about themselves particularly on this forum (sorry if any member of this forum find my post offensive).

I find it really difficult to believe many CDs on this forum who crossdress fully and even struggle to pass in public as women and still claim they dont entertain or they have never thot of getting attention from men or other TGirls for the years they have been dressing its always hard to believe.

Often those CDs who claim not to feel attraction for other TGirls/men end up complimenting other CDs in a rather sexual manner. I think its OK to feel what u feel and hide from pple cos its ur peronal issue but the way it is portrayed is as if having attraction for other CDs or men is such a forbidden or over the top abomination.

One other thing is the statistics pple always quote that "gay transvestites" what ever that mean.........are a minority i also doubt that. These are the "the big lie" i sense in this forum.