How do you "know" what you are?

[KateC]

I think I finally come to accept myself finally after years of CDing. In the beginning I always thought to myself that I did it because I was sexually curious then used it as a sexual outlet and did not feel anything after I've finished my deed.

Could I have been denying myself? I think I really didn't feel a need to dress (was mostly lingerie) after I finished. But of course I wanted to do it again and again.

Then escalating to how to look like a girl and more stuff involved with it. In alot of ways it *is* sexual. Maybe not directly but indirectly, you know what I mean?

Like this, how many of you dress up because you want to be a woman and feel pretty, sexy, feminine whatever... but if you jump deeper, you can get to the root of this. For me, I'll give you a few examples... say to look pretty, yeah I love the selection of stuff women get to use like accessories, clothing, whatever.. but the reason... is more than just "pretty", why don't I just dress as male mode but wear all these pretty things, because I want to be attractive to others... so others see me and think I'm pretty or cute or sexy... and the point of that is because of sex, mating whatever. Then comes back to because of sexual reasons.

I'm sure alot of GG feel this way as well, if not at least partly why they dress nice and pretty. That's why us CD/TS want to go "out" when dressed, because it's not fun anymore just dressing alone. If you were the last person on earth, does it really matter if you wore nothing at all or a cocktail dress if no one was there to admire it? (I guess this question is posed to the non-closeted CD/TS/whatever)

So like I was saying, I'm finally accepted myself and people like me and it's something special and not "gross" or "weird". I respect others like me and myself and don't think I'm a deviant in society. Yes before I was like the rest of the population, thinking people like myself is WRONG and DISGUSTING and WEIRD. I guess it's just denial?

back to my topic. So I'm evolving and learing more about myself... then... how will I know what I am, or what is the end game? What am I striving for, is this enough or will be enough. Even if this isn't for my S/O yet, I would really want to know because the unknown scares me. This isn't something like what a child wants to be when they grow up, job wise... You can change jobs and figure out what you want to do, at least with less consequences than changing gender roles...

Of course I won't go to extremes (srs, hrt etc) without professional help and years of consideration... but then again, do these people (therapy) really know who *YOU* are? Alot of people here say, "you and only you know who you are".

Well geezz, that's soooo easy to put on someone. If I knew that then I might as well be omnipotent and win lotteries, know future of our species and everything under the sun.

I don't know any scientific reasons for my feelings of wanting to become other gender, either at specific times or whatever the future may bring which can include 100% female.. but I hope my reasons for being who I am currently aren't fueled by society or other people's opinion or media that "push" me in this direction.

Though I do believe in the "you can't change this", i still have some doubts as weather people can or cannot change this aspect of yourself. It might be as ingrained as personality traits but it could be just something formed like smoking habits... I don't know really, no one knows right?

I honestly don't know how to proceed with my life, I can just keep churning along as usual and do things mediocore but I think I should do more, so I'm asking everyone here, how can you do more to figure out "who you are"?

Yeah I'm still young.. 28 but I'm not a child like 10-12, I've lived a bulk of my life already and I really don't want to be 50-60 to find out the truth about myself. If I am to be female I rather it young than old (nothing against older CD/TG) =)

If it's just really CD related, then fine, let it be figured out... I hate this dragging along...

[Alberta_Girl77]

Kate,

Reading a few of your posts tonight and yesterday makes me feel like I am not alone. Thank-you for sharing.

I have no idea where this leads. I have no clue what it is that I am or where I fit. All I know is that I have always felt this way and that I have a lot of exploring to do after repressing and stuffing these feelings down for so many years.

Dressing has always been a sexual experience for me. I hope that one day my sexuality will be independent of what I am wearing BUT I totally want to feel pretty, be attractive and make someone buy me a drink or twirl me around the dance floor on my first night out.

I am seeing a therapist but, really, I feel like it's just a lot of intimate, involved talk with a stranger. A non-judgemental stranger, mind you. The only person I have ever been able to talk to about it is my wife and I feel as if she is the only one who has known who I truly am and is pushing me out the door - kicking and screaming - but pushing me out in my heels and a skirt.

I'm a bit older than you, at 31, but am glad to still be young and have an opportunity to figure it out.

[KateC]

Hey!

It's great your response, I have been looking for people who are more close to my situation, age wise and relationship wise... definately is sexual for me... at least in an indirect aspect..

I do dress up in lingerie and all still and that's for fantasy purposes...

I hope we can work together and figure out more of ourselves...

[Alberta_Girl77]

I sent you a PM... not sure how it works, though, or if you got it.

[DawnRodgers]

My perspective - I am 65. Been dressing since my teen years. Have gone through various stages of mind. Curious, sexually stimulating, comfortable but still sexually stimulating, really comfortable withut sex, wanting to be a woman at all times, wanting to be sexual with women, wanting to be sexual with men, sexual with men, wanting to be sexual with groups and B&D. Still don't know where I will wind up. Being married with a family as well as not being totally commited to changing has most definitely delayed my participation in many of these stages plus being unsure of how it will affect my relationships and end stages of life.
Where will it end? I truly have no idea. I definitely think that I, given the choice, would definitely prefer to be a woman, but becoming one is a long, hard and expensive trip not to mention the upheavals in life. So I exist as I am.
Dawn

[KateC]

I think... even if I am a TS and want to be women 24/7, I wouldn't go all the way. For one I'm afraid of surgery and doctors... Probably the most I would do is hormones but I don't know about sex drive, I wouldn't want mine to go down...

I also wouldn't mind a relationship with a woman or a man depending. But I rather be with my S/O if she'd accept me if the outcome becomes like this.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

In my case, I recently saught out the help of a professional. After discontinuing my therapy 9 years ago, I recently went back to my old psychiatrist to share something I could not before - my crossdressing.

After a series of in-depth questions... some of which were very unexpected, he determined that I'm simply a straight crossdresser, not a woman trapped in a man's body, not someone for SRS consideration, and certainly not crazy or confused.

His assessment of who and what I am was consistent with what I already believed about myself. I'm really not confused about who or what I am, I'm just struggling to be who I am in a society that doesn't want people like me among them. There is no struggle or confusion about who I am.

I'm grateful for that. The more I venture into the online transgendered community, I see so much confusion out there. Thank God I figured myself out, at least in terms of the cding thing. Took me most of my life to do that, but I finally got there. I can't say I know the end-game, but then again, who really does? No one knows where they'll end up - not professionally, not in their marriage or relationships, and not in who they will be as a person. Life is change. Life is an evolution. This is not unique to transgendered people. We've got that an extra set of complications, yes, but we're all evolving every day.

[Sheila]

ILife is change. Life is an evolution. This is not unique to transgendered people. We've got that an extra set of complications, yes, but we're all evolving every day.

nearly right hun ........ not an extra set, just a different set of complications ..... we are all unique and all have different complication that are in our lives, we just each of us need to find a way to deal with them given our own set of unique circumatances.... my :2c: :hugs:

[Teresa Macaw]

Just remember life is a journey & the fun is the journey not the end point. I'm 50 & my life view in most areas have changed over the decades, as well as how I feel about dressing. Some are very fortunate& know 100% where they want to be & it does not change. Other are still on the journey, as for me now I can only say I love to dress & sometimes do think of myself as a woman other as a man. Not sure if I'll ever go beyond dressing like hormones or transitioning. But for now just enjoy dressing & going out. We often worry too much about the end point & forget to enjoy the scenery & journey. As the good books says take one a day at a time & enjoy it fully.

[Fab Karen]

how many of you dress up because you want to be a woman and feel pretty, sexy, feminine whatever... but if you jump deeper, you can get to the root of this. For me, I'll give you a few examples... say to look pretty, yeah I love the selection of stuff women get to use like accessories, clothing, whatever.. but the reason... is more than just "pretty", why don't I just dress as male mode but wear all these pretty things, because I want to be attractive to others... so others see me and think I'm pretty or cute or sexy... and the point of that is because of sex, mating whatever.
At times it may be part of the reason, but not the sole reason.

I'm sure alot of GG feel this way as well, if not at least partly why they dress nice and pretty. That's why us CD/TS want to go "out" when dressed, because it's not fun anymore just dressing alone. If you were the last person on earth, does it really matter if you wore nothing at all or a cocktail dress if no one was there to admire it? (I guess this question is posed to the non-closeted CD/TS/whatever)
Interacting with people is more interesting- and regardless of CD'ing, life without even one other person would grow tiresome.

So like I was saying, I've finally accepted myself and people like me and it's something special and not "gross" or "weird". I respect others like me and myself and don't think I'm a deviant in society. Yes before I was like the rest of the population, thinking people like myself are WRONG and DISGUSTING and WEIRD. I guess it's just denial?
You had the desire, so it was denial. And some people fear anything that is different- once upon a time, inter-racial relationships were considered "wrong & disgusting"

back to my topic. So I'm evolving and learing more about myself... then... how will I know what I am, or what is the end game? What am I striving for, is this enough or will be enough.

Of course I won't go to extremes (srs, hrt etc) without professional help and years of consideration... but then again, do these people (therapy) really know who *YOU* are? Alot of people here say, "you and only you know who you are".
A good therapist can listen to you, and ask the right questions & eventually deduce what may be going on. The more you think about things, the more you get in touch with what feels right ( "who you are" ). You hold the answers, others can just help.



Though I do believe in the "you can't change this", i still have some doubts as whether people can or cannot change this aspect of yourself. It might be as ingrained as personality traits but it could be just something formed like smoking habits... I don't know really, no one knows right?

People have tried to force themselves to not do it- but if the desire was there before ever doing it, it didn't come from habit. "Que sera, sera."

[Angie G]

I was 58 years old when I came out to my wife And regret not doing it sooner at 28 your still young figure you what you want and go for it. Or some day you may just say why did I not do it back when. Be yourself and love who you are Kate and be happy.:hugs:
Angie

[DonnaT]

For me the desire to dress started when I was around 7 yrs old. However, I had no desire to be a girl and didn't even like girls.

Sexualizing the clothes came along with puberty. That is, the puberty was the cause of using the clothes for stimulation, it was not the clothes that raised my awareness in self.

Going on 54 in June, and have never had the desire to be a woman. Of course there was a desire for breasts, but nothing more.

So I am quite comfortable in saying I am a transgendered CD.

[AliciaWeb]

Dressing has never been a sexual activity or evoked any sexual stimulus. Does this mean that I react to the clothes in a feminine way and have a stronger desire to BE a woman even though I feel O.K. with my male identity?

[Kate Simmons]

Well Kate, there is "pretty" and there is "practical". If we get past the surface appearance facade (I.e. being "pretty"), we begin to understand there is much more to life and much more to us than any simple binary designation. Embracing the feelings and folding them into our overall being is challenging to say the least and does not come without some effort. We become the forgers of our own destiny when we do this, however, as opposed to just going along with convenience. Who we are literally depends on who we want to be when we finally decide to take ownership of ourself.:)

[JoAnne Wheeler]

I think that when I was in my 20s and 30s, it was more sexual than emotional

but since then and as every day goes by, it has become only emotional -I

know for sure that I am a part-time CDer like most of the Girls here, but I

think that I could easily live full-time as a Girl, Lady, Woman IF I had the

opportunity - I do not have any desire at this time to transition and have SRS

JoAnne Wheeler

[Cissy Chiana]

I'm my own indefinable me, who else would I be?

[sissystephanie]

:)At age 76, I am way older than most who have responded to this thread. I also have been dressing for longer than most of you have been alive!

I came out to my wife-to-be at age 22. We were married for a happy 49+ years before cancer took her. She was fully supportive, because I told her at the very beginning that no matter what I was wearing, I was still her MAN underneath! I am a Crossdresser, nothing more and nothing less! I dress purely because I like the fit, feel, and look of feminine clothing. Other than maybe when I was in puberty, it has not been sexual! Thanks to my darling wife, I never needed that! No desire to be a woman, I just like to dress like one!!:)

[Lorileah]

Life is a highway even though we often think it is a deadend street.

We are a continuum. Our stories are similar and until the interweb we thought we were alone. Now we know we are not. As one of the older people here I can agree that I went through the "sexual thrill" stage and if, as we are portrayed in the media, that was our sole purpose in life we would not grow beyond that. Yet talk to the older and wiser people here and you will hear that the sexual part fades.

One thing is certain here, nothing is certain. We are a blend, no one fits the same box. We argue nature vs nurture. We argue are we really female inside. The reason we argue is there is no answer.

You are young and MY personal feeling is if you think you are transsexual, then you should explore that now when you are young. Don't wait until things get "better". Things won't get better. You may have more money or more status but you will not be happy until you see if you REALLY want something. That is not to say jump into SRS, but why be miserable? You may find that you are one of the middle of the road CD's here. You may like to dress on special occasions. OR you may be the "bloke in a dress" group.

Carpe' Diem. To thine own self be true. Don't put off til tomorrow. Choose your worn out cliche'.

[Nicole Erin]

OK let me say it again -
labels do not matter, what matters is you have to decide how you want to live your life.
Ain't any real standard or test to figure out what you are. Only you can decide.

[sometimes_miss]

It took me several decades to figure out why I desire to I dress up so very much, why I sometimes want to be a female, and how to deal with it. The causes for me are all in my bio, which you can read by clicking the link in my signature. It covers a lot, and maybe some of it may apply to you, maybe not.

A lot of things contribute to 'what you are'. Do you 'think' like a man or a woman? Do you communicate, both body language and verbally like a man or a woman (and I don't mean the pitch of your voice, it's what you are saying not how it sounds)? Do you often feel like you don't 'fit' into the role that a man usually fills in a relationship? I can go on and on. There is plenty of literature about all of this out there.

It can take a long time to find the roots of our crossdressing. Yes, if you were putting on your sisters clothing regularly and playing with dolls when you were two an three years old, it was probably partially genetic or hormonally influenced in the womb. But if it came later, there's probably something else going on that brought it about. Be careful, your mind may be hiding the real reasons. If you start to get upset thinking about your past and your penchant for crossdressing and tg feelings, consult a mental health professional. I'm sure there is someone from your geographical area that can point you to an appropriate psychologist if you wish.

[Sarah...]

When I was twelve and I didn't develop like the other girls in the class and was desperately disappointed because of that I knew what I was. Five years later I made my first appointment to see the doctor to start the process of transition. I was too scared though of what people and my family would think so I buried myself under a persona for 30 years.

It didn't work. Every day of my life since then I have woken up and been distraught inside because I was living life as the wrong gender.

So I have just "known" all along. Which doesn't really help with your question, Kate. Sorry :(

Sarah...

[JesseSaro]

I think I finally come to accept myself finally after years of CDing. In the beginning I always thought to myself that I did it because I was sexually curious then used it as a sexual outlet and did not feel anything after I've finished my deed.

Could I have been denying myself? I think I really didn't feel a need to dress (was mostly lingerie) after I finished. But of course I wanted to do it again and again.

Then escalating to how to look like a girl and more stuff involved with it. In alot of ways it *is* sexual. Maybe not directly but indirectly, you know what I mean?

Like this, how many of you dress up because you want to be a woman and feel pretty, sexy, feminine whatever... but if you jump deeper, you can get to the root of this. For me, I'll give you a few examples... say to look pretty, yeah I love the selection of stuff women get to use like accessories, clothing, whatever.. but the reason... is more than just "pretty", why don't I just dress as male mode but wear all these pretty things, because I want to be attractive to others... so others see me and think I'm pretty or cute or sexy... and the point of that is because of sex, mating whatever. Then comes back to because of sexual reasons.

I'm sure alot of GG feel this way as well, if not at least partly why they dress nice and pretty. That's why us CD/TS want to go "out" when dressed, because it's not fun anymore just dressing alone. If you were the last person on earth, does it really matter if you wore nothing at all or a cocktail dress if no one was there to admire it? (I guess this question is posed to the non-closeted CD/TS/whatever)

So like I was saying, I'm finally accepted myself and people like me and it's something special and not "gross" or "weird". I respect others like me and myself and don't think I'm a deviant in society. Yes before I was like the rest of the population, thinking people like myself is WRONG and DISGUSTING and WEIRD. I guess it's just denial?

back to my topic. So I'm evolving and learing more about myself... then... how will I know what I am, or what is the end game? What am I striving for, is this enough or will be enough. Even if this isn't for my S/O yet, I would really want to know because the unknown scares me. This isn't something like what a child wants to be when they grow up, job wise... You can change jobs and figure out what you want to do, at least with less consequences than changing gender roles...

Of course I won't go to extremes (srs, hrt etc) without professional help and years of consideration... but then again, do these people (therapy) really know who *YOU* are? Alot of people here say, "you and only you know who you are".

Well geezz, that's soooo easy to put on someone. If I knew that then I might as well be omnipotent and win lotteries, know future of our species and everything under the sun.

I don't know any scientific reasons for my feelings of wanting to become other gender, either at specific times or whatever the future may bring which can include 100% female.. but I hope my reasons for being who I am currently aren't fueled by society or other people's opinion or media that "push" me in this direction.

Though I do believe in the "you can't change this", i still have some doubts as weather people can or cannot change this aspect of yourself. It might be as ingrained as personality traits but it could be just something formed like smoking habits... I don't know really, no one knows right?

I honestly don't know how to proceed with my life, I can just keep churning along as usual and do things mediocore but I think I should do more, so I'm asking everyone here, how can you do more to figure out "who you are"?

Yeah I'm still young.. 28 but I'm not a child like 10-12, I've lived a bulk of my life already and I really don't want to be 50-60 to find out the truth about myself. If I am to be female I rather it young than old (nothing against older CD/TG) =)

If it's just really CD related, then fine, let it be figured out... I hate this dragging along...



LOL....

Yea..you're definitely not alone, I've been forced to ask myself the same questions as you, and have gone deep in the thought process of trying to figure out...WTF AM I? who do I want to be, is this who I really want to be?

Then I asked myself these few questions:

-What aspects of being a male do I like?
-Do those aspects outweigh that of the opposite sex?
-Do i have more fun acting/being a female, other than a sexual turn on?
-what would happen if I really did make the transition, where do I start?
-Am I/will I be happy enough and confident enough to pull it off?
-What would I have to change about myself in order to take on this new identity?
-Do I want to be a part time or full time xdresser?
-Do I have support from friends/family?
-Am I at a point in my life where I can do whatever I want?


I think what people mean when they say:

"you are who you are, just be confident with what you want"

Is that only you have the decision to make, whether or not you want to be who you want to be its no ones decision but yours when it comes down to it.

sorry about the random thoughts, I just type them as they come to me, as im still trying to put them all in order in my head :D

[mara-t]

Eeeks! Who am I!

I think about this quite a bit. Especially since I hardly ever "express" myself (crossdress) much these days.

I've been to multiple therapists over the years, including one that wanted me to "immediately" transition.

Since I had children, I decided I could not do that given all the other inputs into their lives at that time.

Over the years I've concluded (sort of) that for me there are multiple positive outcomes for the dilemas I've faced. For me that has meant not much crossdressing. Sometimes I regret this but I am mostly comfortable with this for now.

By no means do I intend to imply that what is working for me should work for anyone else though.

This of course could change down the road. :D

In the "what if?" category though, I sometimes think if I had not become a parent when I did I might have swung more heavily in the femme direction ...:daydreaming:

mara

[Angel.Marie76]

My perspective....

For nearly two decades I've dreamed about what life might be like for myself as a woman/girl, just dressing up and getting to be like one of the girls, doing girly things, and many things I could ramble on about. Had I thought about SRS in that time? ABSOLUTELY. Did have have the nerve or think it was actually an option for me at any point?? Heck NO. It was like a pipe dream to me.

Over time though, the thoughts from within have just become more clear every day, and the idea of me presenting as a woman in public CD has become a reality. The frills of every day life that I've grown up watching girls and women do I DO NOW when I have the time and capacity to do so. Within that execution of task have I found myself 'excited' at the idea of finding myself attractive looking in a feminine way or have I been excited at the idea of being found attractive my a member of the male side of our species? Admittedly, yes. However, do I find myself sexually stimulated at while just being dressed or generally presenting as a woman? No.. At least I don't believe so - as in: Being sexually excited at just the idea of crossdressing anyway.

If nothing else, to me, it has been an ongoing internal test every day. I've talked and and read so much about differences in opinion in regards to the evolution of someone who's CD/TG/ or TS, and that, in some opinions, migrating towards SRS isn't always the best idea IF the only factor that drives you is a SEXUAL one. I dress because I want to feel more outwardly feminine, to let my shell radiate the person/energy within. As I've come to accept, esp. now with therapy, that there is a distinctly different and previously significantly withheld part of me, the idea of being sexually charged, regardless if I'm presenting as male or female, is just par for the course for the moment at hand. If my GG SO turns me on, then she does - and I could be in heels and a skirt when it happens.. But then the idea of falling sleep as a pretty and appreciated woman on a man's chest as he's sitting in front of the TV or having the door opened for me and being gallantly (so it's a stereotype - so SUE me. ;) ) respected will have the same effect.

I'm not sure if there was a question to answer as much as there was a perspective to compare.. for me the reality is that I'm who I am and coming to grips with that more and more each day. My own perspectives drive me, as yours (or anyone else's) drive you/ them. And, for the record, I'm pretty close to your age bracket (early 30s), and have to say that I wish I had come out to myself 10 YEARS ago rather than now. It just seems like I've been hiding in the closet from myself more than anyone else.

[Jenniferpl]

Simple. I am cross dress who would love to have large breast. Will never happen. So I settle for who I am.

[RobertaM]

Have gone through various stages of mind. Curious, sexually stimulating, comfortable but still sexually stimulating, really comfortable withut sex, wanting to be a woman at all times, wanting to be sexual with women, wanting to be sexual with men, sexual with men, wanting to be sexual with groups and B&D. Still don't know where I will wind up.

I totally relate to this comment.

I too have gone from the sexually stimulating, wilt all sorts of fantasy variants, to now going out dressed just to shop. I suspect i will evovle and test the boundaries with my sexuality. I do not ever want to do SRS. I am rather inspired by all the CD babes on this site. Jealous and wanting to develope a more polished look, Why? Still trying to figure that out.
Ciao Roberta

[Marissa]

I'm a crossdresser, searching for who i am.. and if this is it..then so be it... if i have to go back to being just a guy..well so be it.. time will tell.. but i am ME.. :)

[KateC]

Hey everyone,

Only got to reading these now... lots of great responses, I might compile something in the coming week for questions,points etc from your responses so I can use that as an aide to figure out more easier.

By all means, keep adding more responses, even if it's a 1 liner, don't stop. We *ALL* need all the help we can get, it's really something hard to figure out and potentially life changing.

Next week I hope to try to go out a few more times and once with a GG friend... and do "girl" stuff and see how I feel or enjoy it.

A big issue with this and my personality is, that I like alot of things but novelty wears off alot on most things. There are few things I stuck since I started, and those I consider something I really enjoy or is "me".

I have been doing CDIng since I was small and I kept it up... though times I have stopped for a while due to distractions.

God, what I would pay for to know if I'm suppressing this from the start...

***Rant: I'm so fking annoyed right now because damn kids these days have to modify their shitbox car with exhaust so loud and think it's fast when my car out of the dealer KILLS 90% of them, jesus just stfu with your cars I can't think like a proper little cute woman***

Sorry... I can't concentrate, and I'm not alone this weekend so that's why so late for posting....

What else to write.... what else.... umm well I'm really depressed this weekend now because I don't know if I want to or if she'll accept me after I tell her.... I feel isolated and annoyed and want to be alone... like single... but I care and love her so much and don't want to hurt her also...

It's weird, I was pretty "OK" like 2-3 weeks ago then suddenly I jumped into this mode, it's right after I started going out... maybe that was the push I needed or something, I don't know honestly... ok I"ll stop here, I could probaby go on for 150 hours if I wanted to...

[KateC]

Ok just trying to keep this thread going...

I don't know what happened to me honestly, I was fine a month ago on what I did, then I started going out then things changed on how I felt, I guess a new world opened to me. Is it pink fog though?

Like I don't want to jump to conclusions and be unrealistic, sure it's fun being out there but do I *NEED* to be 24/7 a woman or am Transsexual? Or I just want it, and don't need it, being a male at other times and just occasionally going to CD/TG events and sometimes out to shopping/eating/movies whatever as a woman is enough?