Trying to Gain Acceptance - Need Advice!

[silkandsatincd]

Hi Everyone,

I have to balance my desire to cross dress with my wife's disapproval of me exploring my feminine side. It's funny, I am getting more and more accepting of myself over time and more relaxed about my need to cross dress, but I have to keep a low profile and I usually have to wait until my S.O. goes to bed or leaves the house for a while. I told my wife over a year ago, which was the toughest thing I ever did, and it didn't go very well. Since then, each time I try to have a conversation, it turns into a stressful conversation, which ends with a Don't Tell, Don't Ever Show, and Don't Want To Talk About It policy.

I actually told my wife shortly after I discovered this board and started reading the posts and realized that I could no longer deny my desire to explore my feminine side and felt it was the right thing to do. I don't blame her for being mad since we were married for 6 years before I was ready to acknowledge my need to cross dress. This came after purging a several times and abstaining for a while, but before long I picked back up where I left off. I have reached the point that I could never purge my stuff again.

I have given my wife plenty of time and space to get used to the idea, but it doesn't seem like I have made any progress, although I'm happy she didn't divorce me or something drastic, since otherwise we get along very good. I guess I'm not happy with the way things stand and I want to be tactfully assertive about getting her to knock down the walls that she has built around this topic.

I have fully accepted myself, but her lack of understanding is a major disappointment to me. My challenge is how I can persuade my wife to eventually accept both sides of me? Does anyone have some good advice that has come from personal experience with a S.O. whom was not accepting at first? What brought on the change of heart? I am also open to advice that is well intentioned from anyone who has something to share. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks Ladies!

[Rachel Morley]

My challenge is how I can persuade my wife to eventually accept both sides of me? Does anyone have some good advice that has come from personal experience with a S.O. whom was not accepting at first?
No, not personal experience, but I can offer this link as a staring point.
It's a sticky at the top of the "Loved ones" section and was written by a GG. It's called "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890)".

[silkandsatincd]

Hi Rachel,

Thanks for sending the thread! I agree with what Marla said, along with the many thoughtful replys. Have a Great Day!

[Satrana]

You cannot persuade someone who does not want to be persuaded - the more you push, the more your wife will resist.

If she has built walls and if you want to be active then you will have to chip away at them, slowly but surely. For example by keeping your clothing in your wardrobe/cupboards instead of hiding them. Your wife has a right not to get involved but she does not have a right to pretend it does not exist and force you to live in secrecy in your own home.

Prejudices, fears and phobias can be overcome through repeated exposure and reassurance. By agreeing to her terms you are enabling her desire to hang onto these negative feelings. So try to be more open yourself in how you integrate your feminine feelings into your everyday life, stop hiding things, stop needing to prove your masculinity, stop pretending your feelings do not exist but at the same time still be the same person she has always known. While it will no doubt be rough at the start she will hopefully in time put 2 and 2 together and see that you remain the same person as you become more open with your feminine feelings.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I used to insist that an unaccepting wife's mind can be opened up and even changed if one is patient and works hard at explaining things to her. Although I still believe this to be true to some extent, I also think some relationships will simply never work, period. At least not with BOTH parties being happy. Some women will never be comfortable with a crossdresser and you cannot change them.

If you think she may be unaccepting of your cding because she does not fully understand it, then you may consider trying to better educate her on the subject. Maybe she has some very negative (and incorrect) ideas about what it really is.

She you believe she understands what cding is AND she is still unhappy with your cding, then you've got a tough road ahead.

You can keep it to yourself and do your best to hide it from her (as it seems she wants no part of it). It may not be an optimal marriage, but it might still work out on some level.

You can stop cding. It is possible... even if you'll never be happy with yourself if you do so. Consider living half a life and sacrificing your own happiness to please your wife and save the marriage. I don't believe any marriage is worth that (at least not to me), but you may be happy enough, and this is about you, not me.

Divorce happens. It's not the end of the world, although it often feels like it for a while. If you and your wife cannot come to terms and achieve a happy medium within your marriage, then you are both doomed to unhappiness as a result. Not that the unhappiness is intense and apparent all the time, but you know what I mean.

Consider a long term goal of being with a woman who loves and accepts you fully as the person you are. In the immediate future, you may be very unhappy if divorce is where your marriage ends up. BUT down the road, you may experience much happiness in a new love interest that is very accepting of you and does not ask you to keep part of your life to yourself. No one should be shut down by their wife because of who they are. Everyone is entitled to enjoy happiness, love, AND acceptance in their life.

I don't believe you have an easy journey ahead of you. I'm very sorry. I hope you are able to come up with a good solution for your troubles though. I truly hope you figure out a way to be happy in your life and marriage AND also be yourself.

We'll be here for you, whatever tough times you face. :)

Good luck.

[Karren H]

Well "giving her plenty of time to get used to your crossdressing" is probably your opinion of "plenty" and not hers.. She probably need LOTs more time and may never ever come around.. I'm at discovery + 4 years and were not much closer to acceptance than on day 0 but I'm ok with that because I love her and she did not sign up for this 30 years ago.. Its all about balance but family comes first in my book...

So if you want to stay together then slow down and move at her pace.. If you don't then call the lawyers and get it over with... Set her free so she can get on with her life and not be burdened with your secret... .. In my humble opinion.

[Carly D.]

If you could get her to read some posts here or print some out, that might help.. I had a "manifest destiny" type of thing in a folder that I kept with all my clothes so that if anyone found my clothes in the event that something happened to me that this would help explain what it is they found clothing wise.. and I think if you put some sort of short explanation together, trying to explain how and or why you dress this way.. I read posts here and elsewhere where it explained why I do this but writing in your own words your thoughts about it will mean more I think... maybe I'm wrong.. maybe your wife is too close minded to even consider that you are a much deeper person than she thought you were when you two got married....

[deja true]

maybe your wife is too close minded to even consider that you are a much deeper person than she thought you were when you two got married....


Mmmm...yeah, this may be the problem with many perennially unaccepting SO's. It takes a lot of life experience (no matter the age) to finally figure out that people change...all people change. And that the more we become involved in another person's life, the more there is to learn about them. As long as there is love, then the new info should be able to be accepted as long is it's not a totally immoral or dangerous secret.

It's the other's culturally induced standards of morality, though, that will determine whether they can accept the new information or not. Standards can change though if presented through logical and loving and non- threatening education.

Good luck, Silky...

:)

[Kelli Michelle]

Eve, your wife sounds very much like mine. She knew when we first married, but I was just mainly underdressing. She knew pretty early on (2-3 weeks after we saw each other--long story) after I started going out fully dressed. That was nearly 4 yrs. ago. We have had some discussions, especially lately. She said she needs to be more empathetic, but...basically nothing has changed. The bottom line is that she wants out if I do anything more than I am doing now (going out dressed 2-3 times a month).

I think that you have to weigh all the positives and negatives in your relationship, obviously some being more heavily weighted than others. This would need to be done with patience. If the initial indication is for you to stay in the relationship, than I would say more time is needed to fully assess the situation and give her time to figure out what she wants, too. But how long does that continue? Five years, 10 years, twenty years?

Some wives, I agree, will never accept that part of us. But....some do, especially over time.

I have to admit I am also disappointed in my wife in some respects. She has looked at some online material, but refuses to accept ideas from me on where to look, as these are "tainted" sites (my word not hers). She says she is ok with TG people in general, just not her husband. She has very lurid ideas of what I may be doing while out (just having a few drinks with friends is all). Yet, I always invite her, even to go with me in drab. Of course there are the juvenile sarcastic remarks, innuendo, etc.

It takes two to tango. If you are willing to give up something that is a big part of your life for your wife, than more power to you. If you do that, though, don't begrudge her, or feel cheated, becuase it's your decision to do so, and feeling otherwise would just cause more stress. Personally, I haven't made that decision yet, but it's on the horizon.

I wish you the best of luck.

[silkandsatincd]

You cannot persuade someone who does not want to be persuaded - the more you push, the more your wife will resist.

If she has built walls and if you want to be active then you will have to chip away at them, slowly but surely. For example by keeping your clothing in your wardrobe/cupboards instead of hiding them. Your wife has a right not to get involved but she does not have a right to pretend it does not exist and force you to live in secrecy in your own home.

Prejudices, fears and phobias can be overcome through repeated exposure and reassurance. By agreeing to her terms you are enabling her desire to hang onto these negative feelings. So try to be more open yourself in how you integrate your feminine feelings into your everyday life, stop hiding things, stop needing to prove your masculinity, stop pretending your feelings do not exist but at the same time still be the same person she has always known. While it will no doubt be rough at the start she will hopefully in time put 2 and 2 together and see that you remain the same person as you become more open with your feminine feelings.
Hi Satrana,

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate your point of view. My relationship with my SO is very important to me, therefore I am trying to formulate a game plan to break through her walls. I don't want to change who I am, and I don't want to lose her, so I want to do everything I can to ease her mind and find some mutual peace and acceptance. I know this is a tough road to follow, but necessary for my happiness and my wife's happiness, and therefore I have accepted this personal challenge because of the emotional investment I have made in our relationship. I feel it's better to work things out, rather than start over with someone else who may have a completely different set of issues. I am going to make an effort to be more open with her and not keep everything such a big secret. This will be part of the game plan. Thanks again.


I used to insist that an unaccepting wife's mind can be opened up and even changed if one is patient and works hard at explaining things to her. Although I still believe this to be true to some extent, I also think some relationships will simply never work, period. At least not with BOTH parties being happy. Some women will never be comfortable with a crossdresser and you cannot change them.

If you think she may be unaccepting of your cding because she does not fully understand it, then you may consider trying to better educate her on the subject. Maybe she has some very negative (and incorrect) ideas about what it really is.

She you believe she understands what cding is AND she is still unhappy with your cding, then you've got a tough road ahead.

You can keep it to yourself and do your best to hide it from her (as it seems she wants no part of it). It may not be an optimal marriage, but it might still work out on some level.

You can stop cding. It is possible... even if you'll never be happy with yourself if you do so. Consider living half a life and sacrificing your own happiness to please your wife and save the marriage. I don't believe any marriage is worth that (at least not to me), but you may be happy enough, and this is about you, not me.

Divorce happens. It's not the end of the world, although it often feels like it for a while. If you and your wife cannot come to terms and achieve a happy medium within your marriage, then you are both doomed to unhappiness as a result. Not that the unhappiness is intense and apparent all the time, but you know what I mean.

Consider a long term goal of being with a woman who loves and accepts you fully as the person you are. In the immediate future, you may be very unhappy if divorce is where your marriage ends up. BUT down the road, you may experience much happiness in a new love interest that is very accepting of you and does not ask you to keep part of your life to yourself. No one should be shut down by their wife because of who they are. Everyone is entitled to enjoy happiness, love, AND acceptance in their life.

I don't believe you have an easy journey ahead of you. I'm very sorry. I hope you are able to come up with a good solution for your troubles though. I truly hope you figure out a way to be happy in your life and marriage AND also be yourself.

We'll be here for you, whatever tough times you face. :)

Good luck.
Hi Gabrielle,

Thanks so much for your reply. I really want both my SO and I to be happy, and accepting of my feminine side. I am trying to formulate a game plan. I have yet to put out my best efforts to open her mind to my feminine side. I realize that she may never be comfortable with my need to cross dress; and this is a concern that I can't ignore, but at the same time I feel I need to give it my best shot to try to bring her around because our relationship is very important to me. At the same time, I don't want to have to live with the way things are for another 5 or 10 years or even another year without making some significant progress towards understanding and eventual acceptance.

I read your story about how you came out to your wife. You are a lucky man! You have helped to set the bar to a higher standard for me. Warmest Regards!


If you could get her to read some posts here or print some out, that might help.. I had a "manifest destiny" type of thing in a folder that I kept with all my clothes so that if anyone found my clothes in the event that something happened to me that this would help explain what it is they found clothing wise.. and I think if you put some sort of short explanation together, trying to explain how and or why you dress this way.. I read posts here and elsewhere where it explained why I do this but writing in your own words your thoughts about it will mean more I think... maybe I'm wrong.. maybe your wife is too close minded to even consider that you are a much deeper person than she thought you were when you two got married....
Hi Carla,

I have written my SO a letter and have another one ready to go, I also plan to expose her to some of the posts that I think will help her to understand things better. I hope your wrong about my wife possibly being too closed minded, that's why I am going to try my best to turn things around before I reach the point where I give up and make some life changing decisions. Thanks for your reply.


Mmmm...yeah, this may be the problem with many perennially unaccepting SO's. It takes a lot of life experience (no matter the age) to finally figure out that people change...all people change. And that the more we become involved in another person's life, the more there is to learn about them. As long as there is love, then the new info should be able to be accepted as long is it's not a totally immoral or dangerous secret.

It's the other's culturally induced standards of morality, though, that will determine whether they can accept the new information or not. Standards can change though if presented through logical and loving and non- threatening education.

Good luck, Silky...

:)
Hi deja true,

You make a great point about standards of morality. We can't possibly know all of someone's standards of morality, especially when it comes to cross dressing until a person is exposed to the idea. Now since my SO is closed minded at this point I am going to try to use love and logic and non-threatening educational material to help her to change her own standards. Thanks for the good advice.


Eve, your wife sounds very much like mine. She knew when we first married, but I was just mainly underdressing. She knew pretty early on (2-3 weeks after we saw each other--long story) after I started going out fully dressed. That was nearly 4 yrs. ago. We have had some discussions, especially lately. She said she needs to be more empathetic, but...basically nothing has changed. The bottom line is that she wants out if I do anything more than I am doing now (going out dressed 2-3 times a month).

I think that you have to weigh all the positives and negatives in your relationship, obviously some being more heavily weighted than others. This would need to be done with patience. If the initial indication is for you to stay in the relationship, than I would say more time is needed to fully assess the situation and give her time to figure out what she wants, too. But how long does that continue? Five years, 10 years, twenty years?

Some wives, I agree, will never accept that part of us. But....some do, especially over time.

I have to admit I am also disappointed in my wife in some respects. She has looked at some online material, but refuses to accept ideas from me on where to look, as these are "tainted" sites (my word not hers). She says she is ok with TG people in general, just not her husband. She has very lurid ideas of what I may be doing while out (just having a few drinks with friends is all). Yet, I always invite her, even to go with me in drab. Of course there are the juvenile sarcastic remarks, innuendo, etc.

It takes two to tango. If you are willing to give up something that is a big part of your life for your wife, than more power to you. If you do that, though, don't begrudge her, or feel cheated, becuase it's your decision to do so, and feeling otherwise would just cause more stress. Personally, I haven't made that decision yet, but it's on the horizon.

I wish you the best of luck.
Hi Kelli Michelle,

My desire is to stay and work it out, I agree I need to fully assess the situation and help her to figure out what she can live with and how we can continue to be happy together moving forward.