Is the fog lifting or am I changing?

[Kathi Lake]

Wow, I had an incredible day last Thursday. I started by getting a MAC makeover/consultation where I bought a few items - foundation, a brush and some pressed powder. After that, I went to have my nails done - just some temporary party nails, but very cute. I then went shopping where I found a cute skirt at White House/Black Market, a beautiful keyhole-back top at a local boutique, and an adorable jacket at Talbots. I spent the entire day as a woman and even had a shopping tagalong for most of the day - a pampered and gorgeous trophy-wife vacationing from Newport Beach who found me "incredibly interesting and exotic" after she heard me speak and realized that the woman fighting her for the last size 0 tweed skirt on sale (it was mismarked, I swear! :)) wasn't a woman. How do I feel about all this? Meh.

A month ago, I would have been gushing and tripping over myself to tell you in excruciating detail about how much fun I had, the compliments I received, and posting pictures of my new outfits. I also would have taken pictures during the day to document my adventures in girliness. You know what? My camera stayed in my purse all day. Last month, I would have been so excited to be out and about, being accepted, etc. Now, my shopping trip just seemed, . . . normal.

Truthfully, I'm not sure how I should feel about this. Should I feel frightened that the things I did seemed normal - that the excitement of the "forbidden" has turned to feelings of comfort in this role, and is it really a role or is it simply me? The women I talk with tend to say the same type of thing about how they feel around me. They say that they have known other guys who dress, but feel a little uncomfortable around some of them. Around me, they say, they feel as if I were a woman. They can, and do, talk to me about anything (menstrual problems, boyfriend issues, sensitive breasts, etc. :)) without thinking it's weird, a few have even said they wouldn't feel uncomfortable changing around me. They say they feel safe. How do I take that? I'm not freaking out and thinking that I'm changing into a woman or anything like that, but I'm wondering - is this what it feels like when the pink fog lifts? It's been so long since I've been this "deep" into exploring my femininity. I never used to go outside the safety of my four walls. Now I regularly go out shopping, to the Post Office, to the bank and more. I remember loving the excitement of slipping into a pair of pumps, checking my makeup and hair in the mirror, and hesitatingly leaving the house and going out into the world. Now I'm halfway to my destination before I look in the rearview mirror, fix my hair or lip gloss and realize, "Holy crap! I'm dressed as a woman and it feels perfectly normal."

I am happily married (coming up on 20 years!), totally straight, and have no desire to transition or modify my body (well, I wish my hips were, at the very least, present). What I do have is the desire to get out there and let the world see who I am both inside and outside. I'm not necessarily a woman inside, but I do have the desire to both dress as one and be perceived as one at times.

As I reread the above text, I'm not sure where I really was/am going with this. I think my original intent was to both let some of my friends here know what happened last week as they knew I was planning on having a Girl Day and were wondering how it went (and were asking for pictures), and also to ask you all your feelings. So, here goes:

Have you even been in this situation? A time where you felt normal not only dressing as a woman, but "being" one as well? If so, what - if anything - did it lead to?

Have you ever lost the excitement of dressing? Was it due to saturation or other events in life?

Have you ever believed the compliments of ordinary people on your appearance (not just those from sales associates) weren't really compliments, but their actual opinions? Could they really mean what they say?

Sorry for the rambling. I'm just tired and curious and, maybe, a little frightened. I'm not quite sure of what I'm frightened about, or even if it is fright. Sigh. :straightface:

Kathi

[RobertaM]

wow Kathi,
great post, from the heart.

I am some what in your situation but the thrill of going out has not gone yet. I feel exactly as you say. Is this normal? Where is this going? What happens when the rush turns to normalicy(sp).

thank you for sharing, I cant offer any advise right now, but to emphasize with you.
xoxo roberta

[Lisa Golightly]

My personal spin on things...


Have you even been in this situation? A time where you felt normal not only dressing as a woman, but "being" one as well? If so, what - if anything - did it lead to?

Yes... Well you know where it led... :)


Have you ever lost the excitement of dressing? Was it due to saturation or other events in life?

I think I just preferred dressing that way...


Have you ever believed the compliments of ordinary people on your appearance (not just those from sales associates) weren't really compliments, but their actual opinions? Could they really mean what they say?

I'm always taken aback by a compliment... My brain slowly clunks through the sentence and goes 'Me? No... Surely not... Re-run that will you...' and I slowly go bright red and very shy... lol... :o There are people I trust implicitly and when they comment on how much I've changed... then yes it's an opinion, and a lovely one in general.


Sorry for the rambling. I'm just tired and curious and, maybe, a little frightened. I'm not quite sure of what I'm frightened about, or even if it is fright. Sigh. :straightface:

Doesn't mean you're heading down my path Angel... I reckon you've just reached a level of sophistication and maturity where you've relaxed into the role you enjoy... Acceptance is its own reward.

Lisa x

[PaulaSF]

Doesn't mean you're heading down my path Angel... I reckon you've just reached a level of sophistication and maturity where you've relaxed into the role you enjoy... Acceptance is its own reward.

Lisa x

I (along with several of my more serious, out, and accomplished t-gal pals) essentially concur that the thrill/rush does dissipate/dissapear, as one starts counting their en femme outings in 3, or 4 digits, and as Lisa mentions, think a lot of it is simply accepting one's self, how they're gonna about the world, en femme.

Tied in, would be confidence- in essence, not really fretting/worrying so much, and the pink fog/glow is much less pronounced. I find that if I revisit the same venue/group of folks that I'm not terribly close to, that can magnify the ennui, sense of feeling "is that all there is," so assuming you have specific goals (and in "management-speak," stretch goals!), then perhaps continuing to push the boundaries might be one way to keep a bit of that "thrill" alive, but nothing wrong with a calm sense of happiness and a general acceptance of you, by those you come in contact with!

cheers,
Paula

[Sara Jessica]

I agree things seem to change the more one goes out and about, or at least that's what I've found. For me it used to be that an opportunity to go out is one which needs to be seized no matter what (ie, given the available time and any place to go, how could I not go out?).

But something happened to me, making some close friends in the community has given me someone to share outings with and as such, I was able to perceive the boredom which had set in during solo outings. So when you have a friend to share time with, it makes the adventure of going out more routine and less boring at the same time. Sure, sharing the outing in here is still fun but you don't HAVE to do so because you know there's already another human being out there who was witness to your day.

So in speaking of boredom, I have an opportunity to go out this coming weekend but anticipate it will be a solo outing which means some of the allure is gone. Outings have become so routine, and more rewarding to share with friends, that I may pass despite having the opportunity in terms of time and place.

[Karren H]

Well do not fear normality!!! For me its just the greatest feeling to walk out the door and feel just as normal enfemme as I do in drab.. Its the ultimate experience, imho.

[Carly D.]

Wish I could feel that way.. my last three trips out to wear my heels only (jeans as well as regular guy stuff) went less than spectacularly (no "dear diary" event).. I think I'm going backwards rather than forwards.. maybe that is good.. maybe the closet has a better grip on me than I thought.. when I went to wear my booties at the mall I was thinking in the "I need an experience to write here on a post entry" type of thing rather then an experience that I could enjoy.. gotta get my priorities straight here...

[Patricia1]

I think it's maybe the anxiety edge is missing. You're obviously comfortable in your skin & so since you're not anxious, you hypersensitivity is muted. Comfortable & "normal" are good. You're not gonna run out the door to sign up for SRS; you're just completely accepting who you are. You can't lose this you know. It's always part of you at some level or another. Enjoy your comfort zone.

[Kathi Lake]

Doesn't mean you're heading down my path Angel... I reckon you've just reached a level of sophistication and maturity where you've relaxed into the role you enjoy... Acceptance is its own reward.

Lisa xLisa, thank you so much for reading between the lines. You know, of course, I mean no offense in my fear of this path. I value your advice, your compassion and friendship. Are you sure you weren't born a woman? :)


I (along with several of my more serious, out, and accomplished t-gal pals) essentially concur that the thrill/rush does dissipate/dissapear, as one starts counting their en femme outings in 3, or 4 digits, and as Lisa mentions, think a lot of it is simply accepting one's self, how they're gonna about the world, en femme.Interesting, Paula. So then, if/when the thrill is gone, what is my motivation for risking everything, exactly? If I dress more for a feeling of normality rather than the rush of "fooling" people or doing something "naughty" what does that make me?


Sure, sharing the outing in here is still fun but you don't HAVE to do so because you know there's already another human being out there who was witness to your day.Sara Jessica, I would love to go out with someone, but this being the backwards state it is (in places), it's a little difficult. I placed a post in the "Meetup" section about having some company last Thursday, but had no takers. Pity you missed it everyone.


Well do not fear normality!!! For me its just the greatest feeling to walk out the door and feel just as normal enfemme as I do in drab.. Its the ultimate experience, imho.Agreed, and yet when I walk out the door now, instead of the five metric tons of butterflies in my stomach, I instead have a gentle smile that I get to do this. I actually get to walk around and live as a woman - or at least the closest approximation I can produce.


Wish I could feel that way.. my last three trips out to wear my heels only (jeans as well as regular guy stuff) went less than spectacularly (no "dear diary" event).. I think I'm going backwards rather than forwards.. maybe that is good.. maybe the closet has a better grip on me than I thought.. when I went to wear my booties at the mall I was thinking in the "I need an experience to write here on a post entry" type of thing rather then an experience that I could enjoy.. gotta get my priorities straight here...Carly, one of the reasons I left my camera in my purse was a feeling of "ya know, this day is for me." Yes, I love you guys. Yes, I want to share my triumphs and tragedies with you. I'm sure I'll have pictures of my new clothes posted some day, but that day was simply me being me - for me.


I think it's maybe the anxiety edge is missing. You're obviously comfortable in your skin & so since you're not anxious, you hypersensitivity is muted. Comfortable & "normal" are good. You're not gonna run out the door to sign up for SRS; you're just completely accepting who you are. You can't lose this you know. It's always part of you at some level or another. Enjoy your comfort zone.Patricia, comfort is probably the key word - maybe even contentment. You all know that feeling where you slip into a nice warm and fragrant bubble bath? That's how I feel now when I dress up - like I'm slipping into something welcoming and nice instead of nerve-wracking.

Thank you all for your comments and support.As I said before, I love ya all! :kiss:

Kathi

[Lisa Golightly]

Lisa, thank you so much for reading between the lines. You know, of course, I mean no offense in my fear of this path. I value your advice, your compassion and friendship. Are you sure you weren't born a woman? :)

I wish I had been... This mind would have felt less out of place in the world... :hugs:

[PretzelGirl]

Sara Jessica, I would love to go out with someone, but this being the backwards state it is (in places), it's a little difficult. I placed a post in the "Meetup" section about having some company last Thursday, but had no takers. Pity you missed it everyone.


I would like to meet up with you and the others I have met from our lovely state. Right now it is an agreement with my wife that I don't. But have faith, there are more of us breaking the taboos here. :hugs:

[MissConstrued]

Even summiting Everest would get kinda boring after the 12th or 20th time, no?

You're not changing. You've just lost the adrenaline rush. Take up skydiving. :D In drag.

[Kathi Lake]

Take up skydiving. :D In drag.Wow! Talk about some serious air conditioning! Thanks for the imagery. :)


I would like to meet up with you and the others I have met from our lovely state. Right now it is an agreement with my wife that I don't. But have faith, there are more of us breaking the taboos here. :hugs:In time, then. In time. I'm patient. I'll wait.

Kathi

[vivianann]

Kathy I really cannot add more to why you are not feeling the same anymore when you are going out enfemme, I agree with everyone who has responded to this thread concerning the feeling of normalcy, every one is right. I remember the total fear, the adrenaline rush, and yes the pink fog. Now that I have been out enfemme several hundred times, maybe thousands, it just feels normal and right to me now, for me it is a pick me up kind of feeling, it completes my self image whether I am dressed to the nines, or wearing a denim skirt or ladies pants, I spent all day enfemme here in western Colo, and the peaple I encountered were absolutely wonderful to me, a woman told me that my confidence goes along ways in my helping me to pass as a woman. A woman at the insurance office told me today that I am more than welcome to come into the office dressed as a woman, and she expects to see Vivian come in instead of Rick from now on.
I have had so many wonderful experiences over the past 3 years that like you I do not really see the need to post each and every one, I would not have enough time to post them all. Lisa said it best when she posted about the level of sophistication and maturity that we grow into when we go out in public enfemme on a regular basis.
Kathy I am sorry that I did not read the meetup section because I would have loved to accompany you last thursday, because I was in Utah last week, I am always looking to find other crossdressers who is brave enough to go out in public enfemme when I am in Utah, I go there often for business, and I usually attend the adult tg meetings in the Salt lake area, I also travel all over the state from St George to Logan and Green River to Wendover. I would like to meet you one day, I will be back in Utah this weekend and all of next week.:hugs: Viv

[Kathi Lake]

Kathy I am sorry that I did not read the meetup section because I would have loved to accompany you last thursday, because I was in Utah last week, I am always looking to find other crossdressers who is brave enough to go out in public enfemme when I am in Utah, I go there often for business, and I usually attend the adult tg meetings in the Salt lake area, I also travel all over the state from St George to Logan and Green River to Wendover. I would like to meet you one day, I will be back in Utah this weekend and all of next week.:hugs: VivVivian, it would indeed have been fun. I'll have to get with you on when we can meet. You also said there were adult TG meetings in SLC. Do you know the name of the group? Their website? When/where they meet?

Kathi

[JennaC]

Interesting, Paula. So then, if/when the thrill is gone, what is my motivation for risking everything, exactly? If I dress more for a feeling of normality rather than the rush of "fooling" people or doing something "naughty" what does that make me?

Hi Kathi, I haven't posted on this board in such a long time. Just trying to get caught up on everything. I've put aside trying to figure myself out for about a year so I could deal with issues with my children, which are more imortant than mine. I've felt the way you do before...not about going out, but just dressing in general. A therapist told me a few years ago to stop trying to figure out what I am or should be doing and just live my life and everything will balance itself out in time. It seems to work :)

Like you, I also must dress to feel 'normal' and sometimes I don't dress to feel normal. It is just who I am at that moment. Maybe, like me, what it makes you is trangender. You are just both genders and sometimes one needs to express itself despite the other?

You're inspiring to me in a way because you've reached that point of comfort with who you are that I've been trying to get to for such a long time :)

[Miranda09]

Hi Kathi...I think it's like everything else in life. If you have too much of a good thing, you need to step away for a bit, then pick it up again, making it special again. That happens to me occasionally, and it usually works.

[Lainie]

I did feel nostalgic for the old rush. Since I'm completely in the closet, and I already have plenty to wear, I really don't need another article of clothing. Sowaht's the point of buying more if it just feels normal? Normal is nice, of course. And really I envy you finding that GG voyeur who wanted to share the experience. But it does seem a bit pointless, doesn't it? When this happened to me, I just quit dressing. For a while...

Eventually the desire came back. Sometimes the opportunity comes back before the desire. Usually then I just put on a dress because I can, and it's fun. Sometimes I just don't bother, and congratulate myself instead on being so together that I don't need it. :heehee:

[Kathi Lake]

Hi Kathi, I haven't posted on this board in such a long time. Just trying to get caught up on everything. I've put aside trying to figure myself out for about a year so I could deal with issues with my children, which are more imortant than mine. Good for you! Our families always come first. We come a distant second or third.


Like you, I also must dress to feel 'normal' and sometimes I don't dress to feel normal. It is just who I am at that moment. Maybe, like me, what it makes you is trangender. You are just both genders and sometimes one needs to express itself despite the other?I agree on the dressing feeling normal. I'm not sure I agree on the transgender label. To me, if you break down the word, it means "crossing over" to the other gender - which is the meaning that most society gives it. I don't feel I am moving from the male to the female gender. I just feel normal dressing as and living as a woman. I also feel comfortable dressing as and living as a man - though the shopping isn't nearly as fun! :)


You're inspiring to me in a way because you've reached that point of comfort with who you are that I've been trying to get to for such a long time :)Jenna, growing up being the butt end of many jokes, I learned years ago to ignore the opinions of those around me unless it was a person whose opinion I actually sought out. It has been quite liberating. You'll get there in time.

Kathi

[JennaC]

Thanks Kathi :)

I also hate labels and definately don't want to open up a heated discussion on that one! I Just don't what else to call being stuck in the middle like I am :)

[Kathi Lake]

I Just don't what else to call being stuck in the middle like I am :)Oh, I don't know, how about, . . . normal. :) It may not be normal by society's definition, but it sure is to me.

Kathi

[JennaC]

That Works :)

[victoriamwilliams1]

I recently have been having the same feelings and I do not plan on changing myself either. I am almost 7ft and when I dress I feel normal and I remember the times when I would do the mirror and look down at my feet when out dressed in a store. Now I just do my shopping without thinking about looking at myself.

What it sounds like is you have accepted yourself and once that happens you slowly become one of the girls around genetic women. What also helps is if you have areas where you are known as a woman and not as both.

I know about not taking photos as well I have toes days where I am too busy to take photos and then I remember to take at least 20 quick photos and get home.