Blackmail

[Thalia]

I decided after 15 years of marriage that I should 'come out' to my wife. I was afraid she would discover all the clothing I had hidden in the attic and I wanted to continue attending cder social events. It was becoming to difficult to do so w/o her knowledge. Well, initially I thought it would all work out in the end. She said she would try to incorporate my cding into our marriage. After the initial shock wore off it was replaced with some anger and much disappointment. It's been three months and it isn't getting better, only worse. Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients. Unfortunately, she got her hands on a cd with pictures (very incriminating) which was taken following a transformation) and she has all my clothes. To make things worse, before I could erase e-mails, she got to my computer and printed all of them.. She now has these in a safe deposit box and I am certain she will use all this if I fail in any way to comply with her wishes. I did mislead her and I do feel I betrayed her. I'm going to comply because I'm going to try to stay away from cross dressing for as long as I can. Hopefully, I'll be successful. She does not know I post on this forum so hopefully I can continue. I love her and prior to me telling her about my cross dressing, we had what we both considered a wonderful marriage. She truly was/is my best friend and I know she is only being this vindictive because she had no clue and feels betrayed. She says she would not have married me if I had been truthful with her in the beginning. I never gave her a choice because I wanted her so badly.

She says she'll stay with me because her kids love me and we have five (soon to be six) grandkids (all from her children). It's true that they are very close to me and respect me. It would kill me to lose their love and respect.

She is now the one who wears the sexy underwear and I find it is helping me to not feel the need to 'dress' because my sexual needs are being met and then some). In the past (before I told her) she did not wear the sexy underwear to bed. I know she is trying to accept me but I hear her crying herself to sleep and know she is having a hard time with this. However, she does want to stay married and said that if I feel the absolute need, I can wear some of my underwear to bed (and only in our home). She said absolutely no more out of the house.

The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

[Karren H]

wow... She's got you for sure.... The golden rule... She who has the gold makes the rules!!

3 months is like no time at all.... I'm at discovery + 4 years and we have worked through the trust thingy pretty well... I'm still no closer to crossdressing at home but I'm not being blackmailed.... My wife has had a hard time too.... and I wouldn't blame her if she left me because she did not sign up for this....

[Lorileah]

you are right it it blackmail of the highest order. The question now comes up is if you like being blackmailed. Sounds like you do. You do not have a marriage here you have a hostage situation. You think she is trying to understand this? No she has you right where she wants you. If all you wanted was someone in sexy panties you went about it all wrong. First thing you do is call a lawyer. Since what you were doing is not illegal, she has no cause to threaten you and force you to give up your property. Get the property back in both names then dump her like a sack of hot rocks. If she loved you this would not have been an issue. Even the most closeted CD here has never been held hostage by a non approving wife.

Smart move would be to get the papers you signed annulled because of coercion and then call your family and tell them what you do. Bottom line grow a pair. :Angry3:

[Tamara Croft]

I think if you agree to this now, you're going to be screwed for life. Do NOT sign over anything, this is blackmail, she is your wife, she is supposed to love you, not screw you for what she can get. Yes she feels betrayed, yes she is hurt, she was lied to for so long, but that does NOT mean she can resort to blackmailing you.

Where will this end? If you sign this over now, what next? Blackmailers don't stop blackmailing, they take and take and take, until there is nothing left. Is that what you want? A life of being blackmailed?

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

You're definitely between a rock and a hard place. I would not want to be where you are, but then again, if someone ever pushed me like that, I'd push back so hard, they'd regret ever knowing me. I guess what I'm trying to say is my cding is NOT something to ever use against me. Talk about a sensitive button to push...

Threaten to expose me and... ok, enough of that. Yeah - it angers me. I understand the fear of being exposed, but I have a REAL problem with someone trying to control my life. And I'm exactly the kind of person who would not hesitate to cut off my nose to spite my face. Not when it comes to control issues. No one controls me - not like that.

No one will ever own me. No one will ever control my life. They can kill me, beat me to a pulp, laugh and make fun of me, but NO ONE can ever own me.

So what do I think of this? I think you'd better reveal that you have a backbone and do what must be done. You let anyone push you around like this and you're done. You'll loose all that you have, most importantly your own self respect.

Getting outed is not an easy thing to face, but to me, it would be preferable to being bullied in to BS like this.

Did I mention if someone pushes me I push back with a vengeance?

I'm sorry. I HATE bullies. Wonder if that shows...

Push back, Thalia. Push back or become her b*tch. If you don't push back, then I believe you truly will loose everything.

I'm sorry for the passionate response. Whether or not you like how I put it, I think you know I'm speaking the truth. Since there's no easy way out of this, why not fight your way out with some self-respect intact?

[Sheila]

I hope that in time things will settle down hun & that you can reach a workable compromise, Love and blackmail do not go together, but in the meantime do not sign anything ...... Blackmail is blackmail and giving ito it is not good.

[kellycan27]

Honestly... With friends like her, you don't need enemys. Blackmail, extorsion.
Doesn't sound too much like "she's trying to accept you" to me. More like she's getting ready to take a powder with the whatever she can take with her. I'd talk to a lawyer.... I am sorry, but this whole thing is just WRONG.

[Shelly Preston]

I think you should consult a lawyer ASAP

Being Blackmailed is no way to live

[CharleneT]

Her actions are close to criminal. I do not think they would make the grade for actual blackmail charges though. Still I would see a good lawyer, tomorrow !

She is pushing pretty hard and you believe that she will back off when you do the requested changes. BUT black mailer's have a bad habit of coming back for more later, again and again. If I were you I would consider fighting back. One of the most effective ways of fighting blackmail is to defuse the "threat". You could go as far as "outing" yourself to some of these people. It might be surprising who doesn't react badly. As well, the property, I would not consider for a minute signing that document!! Even though it seems like she has the upper hand, many people do not react well when someone comes around with this sort of 'exposure'. Your friends and customers may not want to hear a word of it. Remind her that if she does "blow the cover", then there will likely be a very unpleasant DOM process - and believe me, the only ones who "win" those are the lawyers. Get to a marriage therapist if she will agree to it.

[Karren H]

Being Blackmailed is no way to live

Yes........ that is unless your forced to wear womens clothing as part of the blackmail!! :D

[curse within]

Bite the bullet I say and let her expose you if she dares ...My wife tried that on me one time without pictures tho , I told her to go ahead.. Come to find out she didn't have the courage and was very concerned how the children would take it. She could never really hold it over my head unless I pushed it but after years of the threats , I called her on it..

[Tina Dixon]

What a nice gal, NOT!!!! Look stand up for your self, she's probably told people any ways, and pack your stuff and get out and tell her you'll see here in court.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

She is trying to get you to sign over as much as you will to her. You are vulnerable right now, your'e not out to your parents, friends or clients and you are afraid to have your secret be known to these people. She knows that, so she is blackmailing you to get you to sign over this property into her name, with the stipulation that it not be considered marital property. ( Marital property is a term in Divorce proceedings, take this clue.) Don't sign anything over, you will lose more than you realize. If you sign the property over, she will leave and take it all and will still probably out you, in spite.

Blackmail and coercion is not part of a loving relationship. No matter what you had before this situation, it has changed for the worse. You can try and talk with your wife, but don't sign stuff away and be ready to out yourself to your parents and friends, do it before she does it for you. You can control the fall-out somewhat on how you out yourself to family & friends. You can't control what she would say..

I hope for the best for you. Good luck. :battingeyelashes:

[Senban]

Thalia said - "She does not know I post on this forum"

Don't count on it. Any idea how many trails to this site exist inside your PC and elsewhere? And it wouldn't take much to put two and two together. Hmm, "husband=crossdresser, where might he go?" Let's face it, "www.crossdressers.com" is hardly rocket science, now is it? Your only defence in that case is anonymity i.e. will she recognise "Thalia"? Certainly ask yourself "would she recognise what I've been saying in this thread as pertaining to your (plural) situation?"

Blackmail is a crime and she's using it to criminal advantage. Seek legal advice. As Lorileah said, this is a hostage situation, not a marriage. Don't sign anything, seek legal advice.

An ex-girlfriend (who knew my situation) once tried to threaten me with exposure and yes, she had photos just like your wife has photos of you. She threatened to expose me to all my friends. Know what I did? I did it for her; emailed them all and told them the situation and the facts and even showed them the photos. When someone has a weapon to blackmail you with, deny them their weapon and then look them right in the eye. Never allow someone to control the way you live like that! Better to die on your feet than live on your knees.

[ReineD]

I don't understand your wife at all. How can she be so cold hearted as to blackmail you for ownership of YOUR properties while at the same time tell you she loves you, change the way she dresses for you, and cry herself to sleep? If someone blackmailed me, it would seriously dampen my feelings for them.

Or, were the properties hers before you married? If so, then it is fair that you should sign. If not, then do see an attorney. But even if these are her properties, the blackmail is unforgivable. She might have consulted a lawyer to find out how to protect non-marital property. Is she in the habit of using coercion to get what she wants?

Whatever happens now, it would be difficult for me to trust her in the future. I would question her motives. But, I'm sure she has trust issues as well over not being told about the CDing until now.

My heart goes out to you both, and I hope you find a way to resolve this.
:hugs:

[RWillow]

What happens when you put the property in her name and she tells your family anyway? Get out now while you still can, with something left of your own. Just my $.02.

Renyta

[JulieC]

Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients.

For *()#*$()@# sake no. Don't even THINK about signing anything over to her or anything else like that. Do not buckle to this blackmail.

If she's capable of this (and she is) it's fairly likely she's literally screwing you so she can screw you more thoroughly. Don't think with your heart or any lower attachments to your body.

Call a lawyer. Now. NOW.

If she's your best friend, what best friend would you have that blackmails you?

You're in love with someone that's sticking a knife in you multiple times.

Call a lawyer. NOW NOW NOW. And whatever you do do NOT sign anything into her name!!!!!!!!!!

[Senban]

ReineD said - "I don't understand your wife at all. How can she be so cold hearted as to blackmail you for ownership of YOUR properties while at the same time tell you she loves you, change the way she dresses for you, and cry herself to sleep?"

Reine, she's setting up her defence and her legitimate grounds to file for divorce. "Please your honour, I did everything I could to make this marriage work even after I discovered my husband's crossdressing. I wore nice things for him and made love to him and I made lots of effort but eventually I realised it was unbearable and asking me to accept his crossdressing was unreasonable in my belief and so I have to ask for a divorce. Incidentally he's already signed these properties as mine, thank you very much"

[jennifer easton]

Lets look at this for what it is ,you have done nothing illegal, she on the other hand has stolen your pic, your shared propriety, your computer files, and is now in the process of blackmail, so who is in the wrong here, I think a lawyer is the next step, and be prepared to come out, as bad as it sounds now, a month or two it will be over, your life will be back and you won't have to live in fear

[Senban]

Jennifer Easton said - "she on the other hand has stolen your pic, your shared propriety, your computer files"

Stolen the pics? Depends how she got them.

Stolen the shared property? Nope, Thalia was going to sign them over of her own free will.

Stolen computer files? You're on tricky ground there, depends on whether they share a computer, whether she cracked passwords to gain access to emails and forth. But as many couple know each other's passwords, it's unlikely she "stole" access to these computer files.

[Nicole Erin]

So if she did tell whoever about your femme side, well, you could tell your clients that your wife is lieing and with the family, if they really love you they are not going to care what you do in your personal time.

But if she does tell, THEN what will she have to try to scare you with?

[dilane]

Do NOT sign anything!!!

Anybody who would blackmail you and try to extort your property is completely untrustworthy.

Great if you can stick to your deal not to CD anymore, but if you fail, do NOT give her all your property!!!

If she blackmails you, so be it.

Frankly, I'd just as soon tell everyone myself to get it out of the way, because it's only a matter of time, in my opinion.

I'd also contact the DA to see if what she is doing is illegal.

If you want to stay married to her, that's between you and her, but don't let her hurt you any more than you can control.

--Diane

[jeniinnylons]

I would sign it but have added that if she starts the divorce the agreement s null and void. Also have added if she outs you it is null and void.

[Kerrylee61]

Sounds like the Stockholm Syndrome to me.
Kerry

[SouthernBelle.GG]

Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients.

Oh hell no! Don't do this. Sounds to me that she's already made up her mind to leave and take everything.


Unfortunately, she got her hands on a cd with pictures (very incriminating) which was taken following a transformation) and she has all my clothes. To make things worse, before I could erase e-mails, she got to my computer and printed all of them.. She now has these in a safe deposit box and I am certain she will use all this if I fail in any way to comply with her wishes. I did mislead her and I do feel I betrayed her. I'm going to comply because I'm going to try to stay away from cross dressing for as long as I can.

Ummm, again, she's getting all her ducks in a row to leave you. She just wants to make sure it all goes her way when she does. That's why she's protecting her 'evidence'.

Sure she could be just lashing out in the worst possible way to make you stop CDing, but geez, I don't think so. I know you feel badly for not telling her sooner...or even telling at all now, but open your eyes.


She says she would not have married me if I had been truthful with her in the beginning.

Big flashing red warning sign.


She says she'll stay with me because her kids love me and we have five (soon to be six) grandkids (all from her children).

I believe she's just telling you what she thinks will keep you from suspecting her true intentions.


She is now the one who wears the sexy underwear and I find it is helping me to not feel the need to 'dress' because my sexual needs are being met and then some).

Yeah, but for how long do you think this is going to keep up? I say until you get served. Sorry, but that's how I'm seeing this all go down.


I know she is trying to accept me but I hear her crying herself to sleep and know she is having a hard time with this.

Blackmailing you is not acceptance - it's controlling.


The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

Yep, controlling. I say go to a lawyer ASAP and get advice on how to handle this AND don't sign any papers!

[Teri Jean]

I have to agree with Lori, get the lawyer and don't worry about the family. They find out what she is trying to do they may side with you.

Sorry to hear this, Keli

[AllieSF]

Thalia,

You can see what everyone thinks in the posts above and I agree with them. Your wife is setting you up for a divorce after you sign everything over to her. Get a lawyer, get whatever papers you have signed so far annulled, cancelled, etc. The attorney will know how to do that. Be very honest with the attorney, he will be your only true frined during this ordeal, until others can come to grips with who you are. Prepare to be outed and prepare for a tough economic fight with your ex. If she loved you, she would not even consider any of the actions she wants you to take. She has her family, kids and grandkids and she plans to make your after divorce life very difficult with whatever personal friends and family that you have. She wants to punish you. She will watch every move you make. It can only get worse if you follow her requirements. This scenario has "SET UP" written all over it. Get help fast and good luck.

[Holly]

DON"T SIGN ANYTHING!!! Take a deep breath and get some help. Emotionally, you are in no position to be making decisions of this magnitude without counsel. In addition to legal counsel, I recommend that you seek relation counseling (with or without her). Yes, you messed u by hiding something important from her for all those years. You tried in good faith to correct the situation. She, on the other hand, is taking deliberate and purposeful steps to HURT YOU. No one in a loving relationship would intentionally do that to their partner. Please let us know how things progress.

[TGMarla]

This is not how a loving couple behaves. 15 years in and this is what you get? For what? For crossdressing? Gimme a break. Even if she were to back off and apologize, how could you ever get over the fact that she took things this far? And how was she able to wrest the title to your joint properties without your written consent?

I say to hell with her, and this marriage is obviously over. Draw your battle lines. Here we go.

[Cary]

Don't sign anything!

Get a(good) lawyer!

Get out!

Realize she may have been planning this for a while and may have help.

Plan for the worst....it's comming!

Goodluck and god bless!:)

[Mary Morgan]

Good luck, but I'm not buying it. I'm not sure that I could remain in love let alone in the same house with someone who, in your words, is blackmailing me. If I were you, I'd call her bluff. it is a win win. I cannot imagine having so little self respect as to tolerate this kind of treatment. Think about it.

[ReineD]

Unfortunately, she got her hands on a cd with pictures (very incriminating) which was taken following a transformation) and she has all my clothes. To make things worse, before I could erase e-mails, she got to my computer and printed all of them.. She now has these in a safe deposit box and I am certain she will use all this if I fail in any way to comply with her wishes.

Well then .. obviously your wife has no right to out you in public and it is your right to protect yourself as best you can. You could explain your pictures as being in costume for a masquerade party even if they are suggestive, unless you are not the only one in them? As to the emails, unless they would lead your wife (or a Judge) to believe you were committing adultery, what harm can they do? I agree with a previous poster's idea of preemptively showing one or two of the less compromising pictures to your friends before she does and also explain why you are doing this. As to your clients, why should they care how you conduct your personal life?



However, she does want to stay married and said that if I feel the absolute need, I can wear some of my underwear to bed (and only in our home). She said absolutely no more out of the house.

The reason she wants the property in her name is as added incentive to 'live by the new rules". What do you all think of all of this?

You've heard the line, "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned". Is there more to this than simply wearing women's clothing? If not, then your wife cannot cause real harm in Court or with your acquaintances. CDing is not viewed the same way now as it was 20 years ago.

But, if she has evidence that you've been unfaithful, although I do not condone her attempt to blackmail, I do understand the strength of her emotions.

After consulting with an attorney, you might consider marital counseling?

[Angie G]

I think the new rules suck Thalia. But that's where it's at now hun.:hugs:
Angie

[Robynts]

I know a guy named Guido.....big and hairy......works in the plumbing business, most does lead pipe work.

Her behavior is way out of line. Not that I am advocating hiring Guido, but certainly stand your ground.......remember if she makes it so you cannot earn a living she will suffer too. She has put herself in a Mexican standoff. I bet she can afford to shoot first.

[LeslieSD]

Too much to say, let me go directly to the points:

1. Betrayal. Wearing women's clothing is not betrayal. She may not like it, but crossdress is not forbidden by marriage oath. Crossdressing is definitely not a crime.

2. Privacy. Everyone deserve to have some privacy. Not telling her every single bit of your thought is all natural. Think how many men think about having sex with the sexy actress (fill names here), but few of them tells their wives about that.

So you should get over your guilt first. From there:

3. Fear. People don't do business with you because you wear a tie or suit. People do business for your products or services. Think about it in another way, those CEOs or mayors who are women or gays does not make them any bit less of a successful leader. So fear not.

So get out, you are in a jail YOU set for yourself. The walls of the jail is your own guilt and fear.

Once you are out of the jail of yourself, you for sure know what to do with that threat, being a successful person as you are.

[trannie T]

If she were to go ahead and out you, there is probably little that would happen to you. Most of us prefer not to be out but little has happened to most who have been outed. It could be embarrassing, it could be humiliating, it would not be the happiest time in your life but you will survive.
I can see your wife's viewpoint too. She has been married to a person for fifteen before she learns her beloved man loves prancing around in women's clothing, she has a right to be upset.
Hopefully you will be able to resolve your problems without legal action, you may want to give serious consideration to marriage counseling.

[AKAMichelle]

I had to think about this one for awhile. You are definitely in a bad spot.

So here is my advice, notice that I don't play fair. :D
1) Find out the laws in your state about tape recording conversations and phone calls. Then get her on tape saying that she intends to tell your clients and family if you don't sign over the 2 properties to her.
2) After you get her on tape, then verify that the tape contains enough information to prosecute. Asking for the 2 properties in exchange for her silence is extortion.
3) Then you need to have a heart to heart and get things under control. No more blackmail. Lots of Talking. Even if you don't take my advice on #1 & #2, you should have a long talk with her and tell her no on the properties.
4) Once you begin paying someone who is blackmailing you, you need to understand that you have never paid enough. The price will continue to go up since they found a way to control you. Is the next price that you sign over all of the assets into her name? Or maybe that you quit crossdressing completely and if she catches you then its a divorce.

What are you going to do when she decides to leave and she leaves you without a pot to pee in? You need to be equal with her. Therefore, you need to find a better way to deal with everything.

Lastly, you have to stand up to her and say if wants to tell everybody then go ahead. She will have to understand that any harm done to you and your clients will result in less money for her.

I own my own company and your post struck a nerve. I would never let my wife get a way with this. I wouldn't cheat her, but she isn't going to cheat me either.

[AmandaM]

What she's doing "is criminal". And she'll out you after you sign it all over. Call the cops.

[kathtx]

Others have said it already, but I'll add one more voice to the chorus: under no circumstances put your joint property in her name.

Worst case is she shows the pictures around and reveals you as a CD, simultaneously revealing herself as vindictive and untrustworthy. The best advice I can give you is to start getting comfortable with the idea of being out. You'll find it's better than being blackmailed.

Best of luck

Kath

[AmandaM]

I just showed this to my wife. She said your wife will out you anyway.

[jillleanne]

I think you should, and quickly, get a lawyer. Ok, so you kept your secret from her but did come out to her in good faith. Ok, you love her, and all the kids. You can still love her and all the kids after she blackmails you. And what's to stop her from releasing all the information on you anyway after she decides she wants out? Do you really think she will relinquish all that info. to you in good faith? Forget it!!! She'll keep a copy of it for as long as she lives, just in case.
The idea of councelling would be great if she would participate, but if she is ready to get out, councelling won't do any good.
I'm afraid you are caught between a rock and a hard place; you love her and she wants out, not a good scenario. You can replace all the clothes, etc. so don't worry about all that. Concentrate on keeping a clear head, and how best to do damage control.
Oh btw, SIGN NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

[celtic.blue.eyes]

What this woman is clearly demonstrating is Greed, control and a total lack of character. It's the latter I'd be most worried about.

First, is seems quite apparent that she is setting the stage for divorce, and wants all the $$$ and complete control.

But with that lack of character, what's to prevent her from outing you to everyone after she gets the divorce and all the assets? You're getting set up to get shafted from both ends. I think you need to fight back, and fight hard. No matter what happens, you're going to have to swallow a little pride. If you stand up to her, you will gain some of that self respect back. If you wimp out, you will lose both self respect and $$$.

The question is, when its all over, do you want to be depressed and destitute, or proud and comfortable?

[Thalia]

Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. I am a white collar professional with a very large practice. Being revealed as a cross dresser would have a definite impact on my practice. It would also have an impact on the relationships I have with so many of my friends with whom I share tickets to baseball, football, hockey and basketball. I don't think any one of these guys would want to attend a game with a guy in a dress. I don't want to lose these friendships. And, probably most importantly, I have two sons who are now grown. They have no idea I'm a cross dresser and I'm sure if they did at the very least, they would be uncomfortable around me; in fact, one of them would probably write me off. I'm very close to my step children - love them dearly - and adore the grandkids. What my wife wants is a husband who does not cross dress. If I don't, she will not upset the applecart. If I do cross dress, and particularly take it out of the house again, then I don't doubt she will reveal my secret. She probably will e mail the pictures to my clients and friends and share the picture and e mails with my sons. In my heart I don't think she will do this....I think it's just leverage to get me to not cross dress again. She will be set financially whether I'm revealed or not. I know I should have told her before I married her.

[Ujean1998]

Oh this kind just burns me up so bad. I am getting pissed just reading what your wife is doing. At times like these I am so happy I have testosterone pumping through my veins. Thalia I understand you love your wife and want to do whatever you can to keep her with you, but JESUS don't sell your soul and everything you have worked so hard to build in your life just to appease her in this manner.

Plane and simple "Blackmail" is NOT Love. She is just using your insecurity and not wanting to be found out as leverage to get what she can from you and I am sad to say, but I feel once she has gotten you to sign off on all this she will drop you all together. Then you will be without her AND with nothing to fall back on.

Also if you are feeling too timid go get some beer watch some wrestling! Go get some Hard music and blare that $hit. Do what you have to do to feel empowered in this situation, but find away to get that courage!

Pure and simple this is all Bull$hit! Crossdressing is not worth losing everything you have worked for and if she truly loves you she should know this and not try to hold it over your head. Stickup for yourself and do the RIGHT thing.

[Berinthia]

Whew! It's COLD in here!

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

the opinion so far is that she will leave you after you sign over your property to her and she will also out you to family, friends and clients. But ultimately it is you who will decide what you do.

Just because you are ashamed of your crossdressing you might find that your business clients and family may not dump you, as you so easily assume. People are more accepting than you think..it is our own fear that we put on others that prevent us from being out. :battingeyelashes:

[kathtx]

Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. I am a white collar professional with a very large practice. Being revealed as a cross dresser would have a definite impact on my practice.

Are you sure? If you have a large practice, I presume it's because you're damn good at your job. Would your clients rather work with the best guy in town who happens to be a CD off the clock, or would they settle for the 2nd best firm in town? If you're talented you can afford to be regarded as eccentric.


It would also have an impact on the relationships I have with so many of my friends with whom I share tickets to baseball, football, hockey and basketball. I don't think any one of these guys would want to attend a game with a guy in a dress. I don't want to lose these friendships.

Facetious response: you don't *have* to wear a dress to the games, you know. Serious response: a friend who would stop hanging with you just because you CD is not a friend. You may lose some "friends," but you know what, you'll probably find a few whose strength and kindness you underestimated.


And, probably most importantly, I have two sons who are now grown. They have no idea I'm a cross dresser and I'm sure if they did at the very least, they would be uncomfortable around me; in fact, one of them would probably write me off.

This is a more serious problem, and probably the one you should focus on. If your wife spills the beans, your relationship with your children may change, but in the long run, the change may not be for the worse.

Speaking for myself, I'd have more sympathy for a crossdressing father than for a mother who resorted to blackmail. If you raised your sons with a sense of integrity, they will likely see it the same way.


I know I should have told her before I married her.
Probably, but that's water under the bridge now.

[Jennifer_Cross]

Uk law may be very different from US law.... BUT one thing is universal.... DUMP HER TODAY!!

If she is of the mind-set that can do this to you then she is not worth wasting you time on!!

Jen

[Celeste]

I think she's showing you right where she's coming from,she'll put up with the thoughts of your cding until totally fed up with it,then she's out the door with everything material she needs.When you sign she will probably be gone,that is unless she's not concocting another elaborate scheme to squeeze more out of you.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Your best bet is to seek out legal counsel. Blackmail is a crime and she obviously plans to take you to the cleaners. She probabaly will expose you anyway to your family and clients. You might try getting her on tape with her demands as proof. Then you can tell her she will be doing some time in jail.

[happygirl]

I agree with
Amanda, she will out you anyways, my ex did

[Sophia de la luz]

She has plans. As she is lying there in bed, crying, she is formulating plans. Prepare for the worst case scenario. Yes, you should have told her before you got married.
Definitely do not sign over any fixed assets to her. Tell her to work it out the emotional stuff on an emotional level. Your financial future and financial independance should not be at stake in this.
Good luck.

[Kelli Michelle]

Everything that needs to be said has been said. She is setting you up. Don't sign anything, clear out everything, check with a lawyer, move out. At least that is what I'd do.

[AKAMichelle]

[QUOTE]Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. I am a white collar professional with a very large practice. Being revealed as a cross dresser would have a definite impact on my practice./QUOTE]

Noting from the terminology that you are using, you must be either a doctor, dentist or lawyer. Most likely medical in nature. With that said you have sufficent means that pushing your buttons could net your wife a lot of money. I worry about this issue as well, but paying your wife off is not going to protect yourself.

She can and probably will tell who ever she wants. You will have to deal with the damage. If you are going to pay her, hire an attorney to draw up an agreement stating that as long as she remains silent then she can have the property. Opening her mouth will cause her to owe you some huge amount of money. Money and power are always at the root of each problem. I feel sorry for you because your wife is going to still hurt you in the end. She is not your best friend. Best Friends wouldn't threaten to tell something to hurt you. So if you aren't best friends, maybe you should begin treating her like she is less than your best friend and protect yourself.

[Melanie R]

You had better get an attorney as soon as possible and in the meantime do nothing to meet her demands. Been there and done that so to speak and my ex did not win in the end - my attorney saw to that - and that was in 1979.

[Thalia]

No, she won't 'out' me. I am a cross dresser and I owed her the truth. I can't blame her for being angry and disappointed. It's only been three months and she's still reeling from this tsunami of information. These threats are said in the heat of anger. She's not really like that at all. I have hopes of staying with her. We enjoy(ed) a very good life together. Neither one wants that to end. We've seen a psychologist and the counselling helps. I/we think there is a possibility of working this out. She has given me a little wiggle room if I feel the need to dress. We talk a lot and are brutally honest with each other. I understand where she's coming from.....and signing over some property to her won't really hurt me if we did not stay together. It's not as if she needs anything from me to survive. And, we both acquired these assets while we were together. Bottom line is I love her and she's struggling with all the years of my deceit. I get it. And, I believe she still has some love for me. If she did not, she would have left me by now.

For all the years I cross dressed and I kept my secret, I enjoyed it. Little did I know that something that I enjoyed so much would cause me so much pain. So many have told me to tell my family and friends about my crossdressing and hope for the best. If that was so easy, then why haven't so many of you done the same?

[Shelly67]

Golly . Some lovely replys on this one is'nt there ? I'm agog at what I consider to be non supportive and unfeeling comments towards this thread . From what I have read there has been little or no understanding towards the wife in this situation . Think on , after 15 yrs of dressing in private , going out in secret ( is he meeting someone ? ) would,nt you at least accept her worry may be driving her to behave in this manner ???

Well , for what its worth and for the sake of youre marriage , heres my pennies worth . I,d be looking at things in a different manner . Seems to me shes behaving in this way as an almost to knee jerk a reaction in fear of losing her husband . Perhaps she's using fear as a weapon as she feels so frightened . Her fight or flight nature could have kicked in so hard she's prolly on the defensive hoping you,ll cave in . The stress between you both must be gigantic . I think its wonderful you are now at least both trying to make sense of it all . Sometimes when anger , confusion reigns we simply can,t see the wood for the trees . At least you are BOTH trying . Just try as best as possible to support each other , let the anger fade ......... its not easy but angst is a horrible feeling , you both must be in bits . Be there for each other .


I hope and pray you both find some peace and stability enabelling for you both to talk openly , without threats, or fear before either of you have to make a descision on how to either deal with the situation , or move on alone at least as amicable adults .

Good luck .

[MissConstrued]

No, she won't 'out' me. I am a cross dresser and I owed her the truth. I can't blame her for being angry and disappointed. It's only been three months and she's still reeling from this tsunami of information. These threats are said in the heat of anger.


Your astounding naivete causes me to wonder how you managed to do well in business. Seriously here -- you are a fool.

Getting you to sign property over, locking "evidence" in bank vaults... those are NOT things done in anger. They are done in cold calculation over a long period of time, through plenty of conversations with a divorce lawyer. My suspicion is that she was compiling "evidence" well before the alleged discovery and blowup. She's been plotting, and guaranteed, her best friends know all about it.

And crying herself to sleep wearing pretty lingerie? Are you kidding me? This is a psychotic, manipulative bitch of the highest order. She's lining you up to take all your shit. You're not getting out of this either way with all your dignity, but you can at least protect your stuff.

Dude: Grow a pair. Get your own lawyer. Pay him well. And remind her who wears the daddy pants. And hire a P.I. too. She's probably been cheating on you for a while.

[kathtx]

I am a cross dresser and I owed her the truth. I can't blame her for being angry and disappointed.

What have you done to justify anger or disappointment? Why on earth should she be angry that you're a crossdresser? If she found out you were an axe murderer or bank robber, then yeah, she should be angry. But crossdresser? What's the big deal? She might choose not to participate, but why should she be angry about something you are that's (a) harmless and (b) beyond your control?

This is a rhetorical question, of course: the practical matter you're facing is that she *is* angry. I raise the question only to remind you that there are two factors here: your crossdressing, and her reaction to it. Three factors, really: your crossdressing, your previous secrecy, and her reaction to them. But the point is that her reaction is as much a part of the problem as your crossdressing. There is no rational reason for her to object to your crossdressing; if it's not to her taste to see you dressed, she doesn't need to participate in it. If she's bothered by the very thought that her husband isn't the macho dude she imagined, then that's an issue for *her* therapy sessions, not yours. It's not your fault if she has an unrealistic and inflexible idea of your masculinity.

Look, I have sympathy for your wife. She must feel disoriented, confused, embarrassed, questioning the foundations of her marriage and her sexuality. She's working through in three months some issues you've been pondering since childhood. Her confusion is understandable, and her anger is forgivable. But while forgivable, her anger is NOT justified, it is misplaced and misdirected. You have both contributed to this problem: you, through years of secrecy, her, through misdirected anger. Do not let yourself feel that the "blame" is all on you. The sooner you both realize that you've both contributed to the current problem, the sooner you'll find your way back together.

[Shelly67]

Your astounding naivete causes me to wonder how you managed to do well in business. Seriously here -- you are a fool.

Getting you to sign property over, locking "evidence" in bank vaults... those are NOT things done in anger. They are done in cold calculation over a long period of time, through plenty of conversations with a divorce lawyer. My suspicion is that she was compiling "evidence" well before the alleged discovery and blowup. She's been plotting, and guaranteed, her best friends know all about it.

And crying herself to sleep wearing pretty lingerie? Are you kidding me? This is a psychotic, manipulative bitch of the highest order. She's lining you up to take all your shit. You're not getting out of this either way with all your dignity, but you can at least protect your stuff.



Dude: Grow a pair. Get your own lawyer. Pay him well. And remind her who wears the daddy pants. And hire a P.I. too. She's probably been cheating on you for a while.

Support ???
Oh my god - you even insult the man calling him an fool , you call his wife a bitch , insinuate she,s adulterous and to include the daddy pants comment to which I find a cave man like notion an insult towards any person who may be emotionally unstable . Again , wheres the support ? Is,nt that what this websites about ??
This thread has to be one of the most unfeeling things I,ve read in a longtime . I,m very dissapointed and certainly can understand why some people may wish to never comment , nor indulge in this forum . At worst , probably leave it all together .
:Angry3::Angry3::Angry3:

[Lisa Golightly]

The only thing I'd sign would be divorce papers.

[TrekGirl1701]

I echo everyone's opinions in this matter. Blackmail is a very ugly thing to even think about doing.

Yes, you probably should've told her a long time ago, but don't dwell on that. From your posts I don't think she's trying to accept this at all. You should be concentrating on a compromise, not giving her the ball and having it permanently in her court.

If I were you I'd risk it and go ahead and tell people about yourself. As it has been said, if your friends can't accept you for who you really are then they aren't your friends. As far as your children are concerned, however, there are people on this very message board who came out to their kids and they accepted it. You never know. They just might be fine with it. But it's better to risk that than to be in somebody's pocket for the rest of your life.

[sometimes_miss]

She's not really like that at all
Uh, yes she is. You have people who are willing to commit criminal acts, and those who are not. Obviously, you wife is one of the former. Yes, you are still hoping she is the sweet woman you think you married. We now have strong knowledge that she isn't.

You're in very deep shit. I went through the exact same experience; only, I didn't have as many assets to lose, and I didn't have any kids. And yes, she would have come back for more, but I no longer have any assets to take, already told my family, and the few friends that I had when we were together. They do come back for more.

Bottom line is, she's willingly already committed a felony offense by asking you to sign over material property under threat of exposure, and doesn't care. Talk to a good lawyer, find a way to get evidence of it, even if you have to sign some sort of papers in front of them, as long as you notify a district attorney and have his/her assistance in doing so; you can always say that the papers have to be legal and notorized or something I guess. Then you have her by the short hairs, not the other way around. There are prison terms for what she's trying to do to you. Look around for a reference from some of the gay organizations, there is probably someone who's very up on this type of blackmail. I'm sorry I wasn't clear headed to think of all this when I went through it ten years ago. And, don't sign anything. You'll live to regret it. I did.


From what I have read there has been little or no understanding towards the wife in this situation
There is pissed off, and there is criminal behavior. It's not a leap most people will quickly make. I'm sure his wife didn't come up with this in an instant. She's surely plotted this behavior out very carefully, assuming he will cave in to her demands, as most blackmailers do. Criminals feel entitled to what they want. They don't care about other people. She's already committed the crime. Now, it's just about what to do about it. Do you really think society will feel sorry for a blackmailer??? Do you think any jury will ever say, well, blackmail is justified? I don't think so.

Thalia, if you go ahead with her plan, be prepared to have her slowly bleed you dry; and when she's done, she may out you anyway. Sure, you may have a large successful practice; and she feels entitled to every penny of it. Once she's got it, you're toast anyway; and after she has all your assets, she may insist you participate in some type of criminal behavior such as fraud to get her even more money. Don't assume she's going to leave you with a red cent. She won't.

Talk to a lawyer fast fast fast. Then quickly get her signature off of your personal retirement accounts. Make sure she hasn't already taken any of your bank accounts for herself. Check to see if your joint credit cards have been maxed out. Check everything quickly. Again, she didn't come up with this plan in a day, and she may already have started the wheels in motion.

[Senban]

Thalia said - "She probably will e mail the pictures to my clients and friends and share the picture and e mails with my sons."

Well I can understand how she'd have access to family email addresses to mail things but why exactly does your wife have access to client email addresses to do this in the first place? I'm assuming you've at least changed all your email passwords so that your wife doesn't have access to further weapons against you? You did do that, right? Right?

Also, check the legal situation because if your wife is setting out to deliberately cause harm to your business through attacking your reputation, then your lawyer is going to love it.

Oh, and everything MissConstrued said +1

[Shelly67]

These threats are said in the heat of anger. She's not really like that at all.

Did anyone take this onboard ?

Neither one wants that to end. We've seen a psychologist and the counselling helps. I/we think there is a possibility of working this out. She has given me a little wiggle room if I feel the need to dress. We talk a lot and are brutally honest with each other.

Good for you - it takes a lot to admit our wrongs , I hope it works for you in an amicable manner no matter the outcome .

Blow the felony , I think these poor folk need a little understanding here . Think on , this has obviously been discussed in full with a psycologist .

They are simply trying to rediscover trust and committment that has obviously been worn totally away by deception . On both parties . If they are adult enough to both put theyre hands up and own up to marital problems , even if they go wrong and divorce is the final outcome then god bless them for trying .
We all have had our own private trials and problems in our partnership .
I,d like to point out , if anyone of the married crossdressers on here found out suddenly they're partner had an alternate life , in secret how would they react ??
Would you explode , throw threats in youre moments of anger and sheer hurt ??
How would you then feel if you're partner then tried to heal the wounds caused by such behaviour ??

I agree , its a good idea to secure accounts , in all matters .
But I think its paramount if a married relationship is turmoil and someone openly asks for advice or help then perhaps support and a little greater understanding be applied .

I can only end this by asking one question . How would you feel if it were you ? And i can only ask this as I,ve sadly had the experience
myself.

[Senban]

FAIL

Threats in the heat of anger are one thing but as MissConstrued said, these are calculated actions in the cold light of day. She's obtained a CD full of photos (we still haven't been told how incidentally) and put them with printed emails in a safe deposit box. She's having legal documents of ownership drawn up. She's clearly thinking and planning ahead here and the stage is being set. And the problem is that she has the initiative here and it's time to start catching up.

While I can understand an emotional response, lashing out as it were, at first, this has now gone way beyond that.

[Joanne f]

The chances are that when she gets want she wants ( the house`s ) she will run and expose you in any case, i am sorry to say but i do not think that she is just the sort of person who will just go quietly and know one who hold me to ransom like that it is just not worth it.
I wonder what would happen if you tried to turn the tail and said that you are keeping the house`s and you where thinking of coming out to everyone and see what her reaction is as she would know then that she would not have a hold on you if you done that .

[Sammy777]

Here is what you should do, and I'll explain why later down.

1)DO NOT! Transfer any ownership of anything to her.
Just do not tell her you have no plans of doing so.

2) Buy a digital voice recorder [radioshack 50 bucks] and start recording every conversation between the both of you BECAUSE IT'S LEGAL to do so [and admissible in court], provided that one of the parties [meaning you] is A: Aware of the recording[s] and B:That you are the one doing the recording.

3) If you like, want, or are attached to your clothes, GET THEM BACK.
Others have said, [soon to be ex]wives will dispose of them, and in one case one even wore them to the court proceedings just to rub it in. In short get them now or lose them forever.

4) If the computer you use is a joint use computer, get a new one for yourself.
If it is already your personal computer, two words: New Passwords.

5) If you don't know a good divorce lawyer, find one, fast, your gonna need one.

6) I'm willing to bet you could not get her out of that house with a shoe horn. You say you have other property. Well then prepare to start living in it.

7) Prepare your kids [not her's], let them know that this is coming and it could get messy. You don't have to give details, especially about the CD'ing just yet.

8) Don't let her hold her kids or their kids over you like a carrot on a stick.

9) You have shown "good faith" so far, what has she done in return???? Therapist? Counciling? Sound good, but if she really loves you and wants to "work this out" then tell her to fork over your personal property [IE: all her "evidence"]

A) She likes dangling carrots in front of you, now its your turn to do the same.
If she wants those properties so bad then tell her once you have the contents of her safety box [don't let her go get it herself, go there with her and get it] then you will reconsider her request for the property.

B) Like it or not, she has seen a laywer,
and she will [probably sooner then later] file for divorce.
Why hasn't she yet? Because that property is probably her first salvo.
You think people come up with "non marital assets" out of no where?
If they are her's alone, she gets them scott free, PLUS half of what is left.

10) "In order to secure peace, you must first prepare for war."


Now the reasons why you can do all the above and
She WILL NOT out you.

Mutually Assured Destruction and Defamation of Character.
She is smart, she knows hurting you will hurt her.
This goes for her sense of Pride, and Greed.

A)Outing you to Friends/Family not only hurts you but her "good standing" in the community as well. AKA: Mutually Assured Destruction

B)Outing you at work is not best for her either.
AKA: Lost Income / Defamation of Character.

If she outs you, your losing clients, which means you lose money, which means there is less for her to take/have.

Which equates to Defamation of Character:
An Oral [Slander] or written [Libel] statement that results in injuring the good name or reputation of another, causing that individual to be held in disrepute.

It does not matter how truthful or untruthful the statement is but rather the intent of the person saying it. She clearly has intent to do harm to you and your business.


Once you have recordings and the contents of the box
File for divorce, usually the first one to the gate wins.
All of her actions will make it easy.
And a possible defamation of character lawsuit and possible criminal charges will make her a lot more compliant and even less likely to try and out you just for spite afterwards.

And if after all this she still tries to out you, well then just sue her for what she got in the divorce.

[Sally24]

It's really great that you are seeking counseling and I pray that you and your wife will find your way thru.

However, for you I would reccomend seeing a lawyer and protecting yourself. People that are willing to blackmail for gain would be just as willing to follow thru with the threats AFTER they've gotten all the money/property they want.

You say "she's not like that" but isn't that exactly how she feels about you and your CDing? It's possible to live with a person for years and not see all that they are capable of.

I hope that you two can work this out but I still feel that you need to protect yourself some. Consult some legal/professionals about how you can lay some groundwork for your own protection.

Good luck.

[Senban]

SamanthaM said - "If it is already your personal computer, two words: New Passwords."

New strong passwords on all email accounts (private and business).

New strong passwords for user accounts on the PC. Not that effective but every little helps.

Encrypt the contents of the hard drive. Better yet, flatten the drive and have everything reinstalled on account of having a "virus" and wanting to be on the safe side ;)

Stop storing personal data locally i.e. on your hard drive because even encryption can be cracked pretty easily. Get a USB flash drive, store everything on there and encrypt it so even if it's mislaid or "borrowed", it's less likely to become compromised.

If you have a business website, change your administrator passwords so that your wife can't get in and deface your homepage with photos and text.

If you're using a wireless network make damn sure it's secure with at least WPA encryption, not WEP.

Just a few very quick ideas to cover some basics. There's plenty more you can do of course but that should get you started.

ADDITIONAL

Delete your temporary internet cache at the end of every session and select all options, including passwords.

When you log into things and it says "remember password?", do not select this because anyone looking will find they have instant access to lots of your data such as email accounts, eBay accounts and so forth.

Don't use the same password for everything. Biggest n00b mistake going that one! Unique passwords for every possible thing and remember them, don't write them down!

[Mary Morgan]

So you are going to allow this outrageous behavior by a supposedly loving partner because of your business and the kids. I understand. I wonder what they would think of you if they knew you were going along with this evil scheme. Good luck

[Linda Laman]

Ask your wife if she loves you. If she says Yes, she is lying. You deserve better than this.

[Shelly67]

In times of great emotion we all say something we regret. In times of stress and trauma ( we all have our breaking point no matter how feeble or prominent the reasons) we can behave irrationally .

I think you're doing the best thing you can . Go seek a proffessional outlet , discuss in full youre troubles , and hopefully you,ll see the error of this terrible mess together
.
Shows me several things on reading and re- reading this post sitting here along with my wife which I won't digress .

However , the one thing that shines thru is that if she has sought legal advice , then as ever its evident a lawyer will take on any situation win or lose . Because at the end of the day although blackmail is filth its always the lawyers who win in the end is'nt it ?

Take out the document / photo situation , let the dust settle and keep on communicating .

Good luck .

[MJ]

she is getting ready to dump you not only that she is getting all her ducks in a row. then one day you come home to find your belonging out on the street the locks change and all your hard earned property in her name .

and everything you ever done cding wise exposed to your friends your family and everyone in your circle of life . don't do it you stand to lose everything and the truth is your damed if you do and your damed if you don't. salvage what you can before it's too late.

I'm sorry to say but you may not have much time were will you be one year from now???



SamanthaM is right on .

here is some good military advice *** strike first hit hard *** because if you don't she will and soon mark my words.

[Angel.Marie76]

I agree with all the other input here. I've been through a divorce already. Get the best lawyer you can afford, and hunker down for hell. If she's already baiting you, then she'll hold this sword over your head, with just a hair's distance from you forevermore. If you get ready to drag her through the mud and prepare her for the reality that you're not going to back down, and I'm quite sure you understand that any decent (or dastardly) lawyer can take a person and make them shine or burn. As soon as someone starts throwing weight around that way, the only way I've found to communicate is with a mediator.

She thinks she has you, and as long as you keep bowing easily, she won't try much. Do your own research, get your own help, and yes, be ready to have your name dragged through the mud a bit. Keep in mind that she's being extremely manipulative, and to execute a smear campaign such as this would surely not come out in her OWN best interests if it were to come to light. Let her know that she best be ready to have her own life ripped to shreds DARE SHE try and rip yours. Pardon the term, but find your self a very aggressive (I've heard the terms 'wild dog/mad dog') attorney and go to it. I'm pretty sure there's lawyers here in the forum so I'm sure they've heard the terms before. My last (and current) attorney is one of the best in my area, and he was worth every dime and EXTREMELY intimidating. My ex-wife broke and signed a heavily weighted agreement to my better because she wasn't looking forward to a multi-year court battle with a warchest that I had already prepared very clearly. I was ready to take a bullet come hell or high-water and she wasn't.

Best of luck to you.

[SouthernBelle.GG]

Thalia,

I do understand where you're coming from in the need to want your relationship to work. We all want to love and be loved. I can even understand - to a point - why your wife would be reeling after finding out about the CDing and pics and such. To me, your wife has crossed the line, but if you're willing to go along, there's not much else to say.

I still can't help but think you're now going to stay with her out of fear instead of love. That's a hard life to live.

:hugs:

[Barbara Nicole]

Thalia
Wife's go through a form of the grieving process which include the 5 stages of grief . Your wife might have made her statements AND actions during the anger stage . SO's will say a LOT of things when they're in this anger phase.If you understand this ,you and her will be able to eventually coast down this very rocky road .If you understand the 5 steps ,you'll be better able to rationalise her actions ,and perhaps yours.Not one of us here can ,upon the little info provided , advise you to "get out ,she's a blackmailer " You re the only one who can do this ,as you know her .Don't forget you've dropped one hell of a bomb onto her . Just look at Karren Hutton's example of "5yrs +" Just remember there's more of us that don't post a great deal that have been through this and kept our relationships intact .Try and wiegh whether other than the blackmail comments whether she still respects you .Remember there's a final 5th stage =acceptance which doesn't necessarily really mean total acceptance of you as a CD but of the situation
Good luck

[cindym5_04]

Thalia,

I'll start by saying that I feel really bad for you being put in that situation. Now, here's my take on the whole thing:

1) I understand her being VERY hurt by your secret coming out. I think there is a high percentage of women that would feel the "hurt" feeling. It's fine to feel hurt.

2) People say things in anger. We all do it- that's fine.

3) Storing your photos and emails and telling you that you need to sign over property (whether it was acquired together or not, it doesn't matter) or she'll out you to your friends, family, and clientelle is fully illegal. That is blackmail and extortion. If she does proceed to out you (whether or not it ruins friendships and business), you can then throw a libel charge on top of it. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

4) That's great that you are going to counseling together and that it seems to be helping. You need to also consult a lawyer. Do this now to be prepared in case something does happen. It's better to prepare yourself just in case, rather than waiting until it's too late.

5) Not to be critical of you, but to believe "she's not that type of person" is being very naive. She is already proving that she IS that type of person by storing things to hold against you in a safe deposit box- if you don't do what she wants.

6) Essentially this comes down to being a hostage in your own home. You have the right to be who you are. Depending on your state, crossdressing is not an illegal act. Should you have come out a long time ago to her? Yes. We can't change the past, but we can prepare for the future. The feeling that I get is that she is setting the table for your failure in the marriage.

The point has been made on the board so many times that we, as crossdressers, are very selfish. There are many times that I am in total agreement to that. There are the wives, girlfriends, or significant others that say "I'm not comfortable with you doing that" and lay ground rules. That's fine and understandable. There is always a line that's not to be crossed- whether it's with crossdressing or with business. From what you've told us, it sounds like that line HAS been crossed and with the threats of illegal activity, I personally couldn't stay around for that. I understand love greatly and I'm sure that you do love her and that she has love for you. If someone is threatening you with serious illegal activity and essentially threatening to ruin your life, where is the love and where is the trust? To me, it's apparent that there is none.

Just my $.02.

Good luck.

[DonnaT]

Geez Thalia, you need to rethink things and listen to some of the advice given here. Advice you asked for, BTW.

You say she won't out you? fine, then there's no need to sign things over to her.

You sign things over and I can almost guarantee she'll file for divorce within 6 months.

That will leave you with, what exactly?

And if she files for divorce, she's likely to blackmail you even further. A nice big monthly alimony check, or she'll tell your family, friends, associates, etc.

Granted she has a right to be angry, but you have a right to live without fear of loosing all you've worked so hard for.

Really, can you live the rest of your life wondering what she might do next.

What if she decided to take a lover, and holds your CDing as leverage so you won't object.

I'm sorry, but if she'll blackmail you for one thing, she's likey to blackmail you for another.

Head her off at the pass. Tell your friends, relatives, associates that she's trying to blackmail you for all your possessions just because you like to dress up once in a while.

Stand up an own yourself, don't let her own you.

[LA CINDY LOVE]

They say it is good to tell your wife that you are a crossdresser.........before you get married, not 5 10 or 15yrs down the road and when you do tell her the odds are not good for you at all.

Now you say you are going to try to stop dressing once again the odds are not good, most who try to stop........just come back it is very hard to do ...I have try myself.

No married CD wants his wife to out him to his Friends, work and family hell if I was face with that I would sign over the property too....... it is so easy for those who are not in your shoes to pass judgment.

This is why we marrieds CD do not tell are wifes, if it dose not work out the cost could be to great, crossdressing is very hard on a relationship.

You say you were married for 15yrs and for 15yrs you keep your wife from finding out..........you should have wrote a book, because most of us get caught with-in the first 2 yrs, I just do not feel that you should have told her
.......she was happy.

LA CINDY LOVE

[JulieC]

Lorileah: No, I don't like being held hostage; however, I have too much to lose if my cross dressing became public knowledge. ...

I'll vehemently agree with cindym5_04 above. What your wife is doing is illegal.

You can and, in the right moment should, counter her blackmail by noting that you will have no choice but to file a criminal complaint.

I'd be very, very direct with her. Blackmail is not a foundation for a successful marriage. Either the blackmail stops, or the counseling is for naught. Either she is serious about making the relationship work or she is not. You can offer her that seriousness by agreeing to boundaries that you both compromise on (not just her way or the highway) and live within them without question.

As to your sons that are grown; c'est la vie. They are adults. It would hurt if they turned their backs on you, but that's life.

As to your job and standing in the community; tough. Look, there's a damn good chance she's going to pull that trigger anyways.

If you can't get her to stop blackmailing you, the relationship is likely over. What I'd do, since she's going to pull that trigger anyways, is go on the offensive. Defang the blackmail. Inform your sons on your own. Inform your clients. Inform any friends. You have a MUCH better chance of retaining your sons, clients, and friends if you tell them on YOUR terms than if your wife goes blaring it out to the entire world on her terms. Before doing this, set aside some thousands of dollars such that your wife can not get access to it.

If you do this, your wife may go ballistic. In fact, I bet she will. In your shoes, I'd tell her "You left me no choice. It was better to tell these people on my terms than for you to inform them about a subject on which you are not yet knowledgeable."

This is your life. It's not hers. It's not your sons. It's not your clients. Its not your friends. Cut the woe is me song and start standing up for your life. FIGHT. It's the only chance you have of saving your marriage. Acting meek and buckling under every threat she tosses at you is a damned good way to undermine the marriage.

In approaching your clients, you might send out a mailing along these lines:


"Dear Mr./Ms. Smith,

Due to circumstances beyond my control information regarding my private life may become public in the near future. I wanted to take the opportunity to inform you that I have never allowed my private life to affect my professional life. I take your patronage of this practice seriously, and always act in your best interests regardless of any external factors.

In the United States today, there are more than ten million people who self identify as being transgendered. I am one of those millions. I am not a freak. I am not a criminal. I am human. If you would like more information regarding transgender topics, please see <insert resource>

I love my wife and children very much. I've always been faithful to them in every respect and will continue to be so. Similarly, I have always been faithful to professional ethics in my conduct with your patronage of this practice.

I recognize that some of you may not be willing to further consider your patronage of this practice given this knowledge. To you I give my thanks for your past patronage and I wish you the best in your future. For those of you who will be remaining with this office, I also offer my thanks and assurance that this office will continue as before, and nothing will change in any respect with regards to the conduct of business at this office. "

You don't need to go into details about how you are transgendered. It's a private subject. If, following this letter, your wife attempts to contact your clients with more information, call the police and have her arrested for harrassment.



For all the years I cross dressed and I kept my secret, I enjoyed it. Little did I know that something that I enjoyed so much would cause me so much pain.

What caused you so much pain isn't the crossdressing. It was not telling her before being married. You can't correct that now, but you should not attribute to crossdressing what is attributable to a failure to inform.



So many have told me to tell my family and friends about my crossdressing and hope for the best. If that was so easy, then why haven't so many of you done the same?

Nobody said it was easy. It's terrifying. For some, the outcome is incredibly bad. For some, the outcome is great. It is very hard to know in advance what the outcome will be.

But look at it this way; it's reasonably likely that your wife would have found your stash of clothes or some other evidence of your crossdressing eventually. This forum is full of stories of CDers getting caught. The only way one can be 100% sure of never being caught is to never crossdress or have any of the accoutrements of crossdressing. That of course is essentially impossible for a crossdresser.

Which would you rather have? Tell her yourself or have her discover on her own? Maybe she would have said nothing on discovery, and assumed it was another woman and started divorce proceedings right away. You've no idea how she would react to that knowledge.

It is incredibly selfish and self serving to not tell a spouse when there are no children involved. Not only is there substantial risk of discovery, but WHEN you die, she may still be alive (remember that on average women outlive men) and discover all of your clothes, makeup, etc. Then she'll have no one to turn to for answers. She'll never know the truth. Did you have a mistress? She'll spend the rest of her life possibly thinking you were cheating on her.

I don't profess to know the answers when their are children involved. If there are no children involved though, I feel very strongly that it is absolutely wrong to keep this from your wife.


They say it is good to tell your wife that you are a crossdresser.........before you get married, not 5 10 or 15yrs down the road and when you do tell her the odds are not good for you at all.

Now you say you are going to try to stop dressing once again the odds are not good, most who try to stop........just come back it is very hard to do ...I have try myself.

No married CD wants his wife to out him to his Friends, work and family hell if I was face with that I would sign over the property too....... it is so easy for those who are not in your shoes to pass judgment.

This is why we marrieds CD do not tell are wifes, if it does not work out the cost could be too great; crossdressing is very hard on a relationship.

You say you were married for 15yrs and for 15yrs you keep your wife from finding out..........you should have wrote a book, because most of us get caught with-in the first 2 yrs, I just do not feel that you should have told her
.......she was happy.

<assuming no kids involved>

Which is better? The wife finding out by accident or being told? You note that most of us get caught within the first two years. So, better to leave it to being caught than not telling up front?

Not telling is just staving off the inevitable, and potentially leaving a wife with a zillion questions unanswered after you die and she finds your stash.

[Karen564]

In my heart I don't think she will do this....I think it's just leverage to get me to not cross dress again.

Thalia,
This is why your not thinking correctly, because your using your heart, not your brain on this matter...

She has your Emails & pictures and that's plenty of ammo for her to use against you to hold you hostage..So there's absolutely no need for you to sign away your joint properties & sign that letter.....

There's only ONE explanation for why she wants you to do this, and that's because she WILL divorce you after the properties are solely in her name along with the notarized letter stating that those properties are not to be considered marriage assets...that's the final nail in the coffin..

So tell her she already has enough, she doesn't need anything else and see what she says, if she says she must have those properties to keep you from doing this again, then you will know right then & there she fully intends to divorce you very soon.. I'd bet my life on it..

If it was just a matter of putting her name on the properties, that's nothing, because in court, it would still be divided down the middle no matter what, but the biggest killer for you is signing that notarized letter...That would leave you out in the cold without a chance of ever fairly splitting your assets..

What your dealing with is a woman's scorn right now, shes playing it cool using sex as a tool to make you think everything will be fine & buying time until she has everything set up in her favor, after that, she Will go for your jugular in court..
My advise for you is see an very good divorce attorney NOW, before she gets the one you want..but chances are she's already done that, so I'm betting she has already put one on retainer..,:sad:

Again, You need to think with the right head on this, the big one, not the little one, and try to leave your heart out of this, it'll just mess you up..

Good Luck..Because your going to need it..

[Veronica75]

There is SO much good advice for you here, Thalia... but the most important should be reiterated:

-- DO NOT SIGN OVER ANYTHING

and you have two choices regarding her blackmailing you:

-- Just go ahead and out yourself before she does, she no longer has a weapon against you. Weather the consequences and get on with your life.

-- Record her conversations, get evidence she intends to blackmail you, and consider hiring a PI to see if there is additional dirt you can get on her. Let her know in no uncertain terms that if she outs you, her name will be dragged through the mud along with yours, and that the results for her will be at least as bad as for you. Blackmailers will pull the trigger on a pistol that will take down their hostage, but they typically will not pull the pin on a grenade that will blow them up too.


You need to protect yourself, no matter where the marriage goes. I wish you luck and hope you can work it out, but in case things don't go that way, get your ducks in a row just like your wife is clearly doing.

[cindym5_04]

I'll vehemently agree with cindym5_04 above. What your wife is doing is illegal.


In approaching your clients, you might send out a mailing along these lines:


"Dear Mr./Ms. Smith,

Due to circumstances beyond my control information regarding my private life may become public in the near future. I wanted to take the opportunity to inform you that I have never allowed my private life to affect my professional life. I take your patronage of this practice seriously, and always act in your best interests regardless of any external factors.

In the United States today, there are more than ten million people who self identify as being transgendered. I am one of those millions. I am not a freak. I am not a criminal. I am human. If you would like more information regarding transgender topics, please see <insert resource>

I love my wife and children very much. I've always been faithful to them in every respect and will continue to be so. Similarly, I have always been faithful to professional ethics in my conduct with your patronage of this practice.

I recognize that some of you may not be willing to further consider your patronage of this practice given this knowledge. To you I give my thanks for your past patronage and I wish you the best in your future. For those of you who will be remaining with this office, I also offer my thanks and assurance that this office will continue as before, and nothing will change in any respect with regards to the conduct of business at this office. "

You don't need to go into details about how you are transgendered. It's a private subject. If, following this letter, your wife attempts to contact your clients with more information, call the police and have her arrested for harrassment.




Thanks, Julie.

I think that's pretty much the perfect letter that could be written too for this particular incident as well.

[JulieC]

she has your emails & pictures and that's plenty of ammo for her to use against you to hold you hostage..so there's absolutely no need for you to sign away your joint properties & sign that letter.....

There's only one explanation for why she wants you to do this, and that's because she will divorce you after the properties are solely in her name along with the notarized letter stating that those properties are not to be considered marriage assets...that's the final nail in the coffin..

So tell her she already has enough, she doesn't need anything else and see what she says, if she says she must have those properties to keep you from doing this again, then you will know right then & there she fully intends to divorce you very soon.. I'd bet my life on it..

Bingo!

This is FANTASTIC way to call her bluff. Major kudos Karen, and Thalia, take this advice. Her blackmail has plenty enough teeth in it without the properties for what she purports it is for; to keep you in line. She doesn't need the properties. She needs them for one reason; to divorce you.

I strongly agree with others. Start thinking with your big head.

[MissConstrued]

Support ???
Oh my god - you even insult the man calling him an fool , you call his wife a bitch , insinuate she,s adulterous and to include the daddy pants comment to which I find a cave man like notion an insult towards any person who may be emotionally unstable . Again , wheres the support ? Is,nt that what this websites about ??


If "support" is all about making people feel better, then no, I suppose I'm not very good at that. Maybe I lack bedside manner. Should we all join hands and sing campfire songs? Group hug? Perhaps I misread the OP, but it looked as though he was seeking advice, not a group hug.

If a swift kick in the pants from me and others is enough impetus to hire a lawyer, and save himself a lot of grief down the road, then it's worth it. Thalia is about to be bent over and dry-raped, and all you're offering is a bit of lube.

I stand by my assertions regarding the wife. I have a number of friends who are/were private investigators. This type of story is quite common. The woman will hire the PI to investigate her husband -- for anything at all that can be used to get her more out of a divorce. Then she'll put on this big drama over being "betrayed" when all along she's been banging the gardener or the pool boy. I may be wrong, but I am drawing on some experience here. I hope I'm wrong, in fact, but we do no one any favors by pretending it's not a possibility.

I wholly stand by my assertion that blackmail is not a heat of passion act. It's an entirely rational and calculated maneuver.

[leslie ann]

:eek: Ill have to agree with MissConstrued on this one !! i would NOT sign anything ide take her on vacation !

[Thalia]

FAIL

Threats in the heat of anger are one thing but as MissConstrued said, these are calculated actions in the cold light of day. She's obtained a CD full of photos (we still haven't been told how incidentally) and put them with printed emails in a safe deposit box. She's having legal documents of ownership drawn up. She's clearly thinking and planning ahead here and the stage is being set. And the problem is that she has the initiative here and it's time to start catching up.

While I can understand an emotional response, lashing out as it were, at first, this has now gone way beyond that.

Her'e how she got the photos. She discovered a key on my bureau which was to my 'secret' mailbox where my clothes and correspondence was mailed. We discussed this mailbox and I told her that the year's rental was up and I had to turn in the key or renew the rental. I decided to turn in the key and she came with me. Well, in the box was an envelope containing the cds of my transformation. She wanted to see them and I did not get them back.

[Berinthia]

It's all about Priorities. I'm not sure if crossdressing is a divorcible offense, it's not like you slept with another woman, maybe your wife is feeling betrayed, just because she wants you to burn in hell for a bit doesn't mean she doesn't love you, Do you love her more than your cd parties? More than your job? More than your reputation?
Everyone here is assuming Thalia's wife is the bitch. Maybe Thalia is the bitch. We haven't heard Thalia's wfe's side of this.
As your attorney, my advice would be to protect your own butt and if you've got to get out, get out with as much intact as you can. But it's sad, it seems to me you weren't acting in the best interests of your marrige for a long time, women don't like to be made into fools, you must have known that.
Anyway, I've never been married, It's funny all the married people here seem so cold and ruthless!!!

[Tora]

GET A LAWYER NOW. FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. IN MICHIGAN We HAVE A GROUP OF LAWYERS, ADAM AMERICAN DIVORCE ASSOCIATION for MEN. Get this help NOW. You set the ground rules. A laywer from your state, who knows the local rules.

[Ralph]

If a swift kick in the pants from me and others is enough impetus to hire a lawyer, and save himself a lot of grief down the road, then it's worth it. Thalia is about to be bent over and dry-raped, and all you're offering is a bit of lube.

Preach it, sister. I worry that getting outed would harm my personal and professional life, but even I wouldn't let an extortionist bleed me for the rest of my life. Refuse to sign over and be prepared for some serious spin control on any damage she tries to do, but don't let her call the shots. I do like the idea of keeping something with you at all times that you can record on, so you can get proof she's trying to blackmail you.

And don't forget, if you ever need character witnesses you can call on all of us!

ralph

[AKAMichelle]

No, she won't 'out' me.

I hope for your sake you are right. You may be betting your live on this.

[carhill2mn]

Thalia, you have been given lots of great advice. I can only add one thing from my recent divorce situation: for years my wife (now ex) had talked, yelled, screamed "what will your daiughters think; your sons-in-law won't associate with you; J... will not let you see/take care of your grandchildren. etc". You get the picture.
Well, my wife got a very big unpleasant surprise! When she told them we were getting a divorce and that I was a CD, they really only were upset about the divorce. They didn't really care that I was a CD. After we told my youngest daughter and husband, my wife said "well, I just wasted 20 years of protecting you" or words to that effect.
Your wife is putting you in an untenable situation. You must protect yourself!

[trisha11]

Wow, you are in a very tough spot. I let me soon to be exwife use my crossdressing against me in my custody battle for our son. I did not want it exposed any more than it had been already. I was afraid she would tell my friends, my family, and my coworkers. I caved to her and I regret it today. I know where your coming from and know that you want to do the right thing and make it work but in my opinion she should not be using this against you. She should not have had to take it to this level. Are you a different person because you crossdress? Are you not the same man she fell in love with? What is so wrong with you just because you crossdress. It does not change the person you were and are today.

All I can say is that I wish I would have been more strong, stood up to my exwife more, and not let her use my crossdressing as a tool to get what she wanted. If you let her do this she will continue to use this against you to the day you die.

Is this what you want?
trisha

[Lee Andrews]

It's been three months and it isn't getting better, only worse. Now she has me transferring ownership of two of our properties into her name and I'm to sign a notarized letter that if the marriage should end, these two properties are not to be considered marital property and are to remain her's only. If I do not do so, she will expose me to my family (it's our second marriage) and my clients. Unfortunately, she got her hands on a cd with pictures (very incriminating) which was taken following a transformation) and she has all my clothes. To make things worse, before I could erase e-mails, she got to my computer and printed all of them.. She now has these in a safe deposit box and I am certain she will use all this if I fail in any way to comply with her wishes.

What do you all think of all of this?

Sad to say she is your "best friend", she is far from it. Blackmail under any circumsance is wrong and coming from the person you love is a huge blow. I could see her making you sleep on the couch, not talk to you for awhile or even threaten to get a divorce for this. What she is doing is cold and deliberate. Sign property over or even going to the trouble of rounding up all e-mails and pictures and putting them in a safe deposit box. I'm sorry but this is wrong on so many levels.

She will out you when the time is right for her. This is not being done out of anger. Anger is usually not very rational and she sounds very rational and calculating. Who thinks to change a property over and accompany it with a letter stating it is not 'marital property' unless they had other plans. The pictures should be more than enough to keep you in line :heehee:. Your defence stating she doesn't need any more, she is fine. Why couldn't she use some more money or property for herself and her kids. Can never have enough.

Hopefully you can stand your ground and protect yourself. Really think about this, in your heart do you think IF someone really loved you, would she pull these actions and threats of blackmail on you?. If you do then have a happy life and I hope you do not regret it later. I couldn't imagine the person I loved doing that to me but to each their own.

For the couple of others who got mad at the responses, check the last line in the original post. Your going to get these replies, you asked.

[FluffyPersian]

Thalia,

I'm a GG and usually sympathetic to the wives' situations. Really, I usually understand where they are coming from.

But in this case, your wife is truly out to take you for all you've got. Please, please listen to all the advice given here. These people are right.

People do not get terms like "joint marital property" out of thin air. They get them from lawyers. She has already seen a tough divorce lawyer, and is looking for ways to get everything she can from you before she files.

The counseling is just so she can tell the judge that she tried her best.

I know you don't want to believe this, but I'm completely certain this is correct. I know you really want to believe that your wife isn't like this, but...she is.

Please be realistic and protect yourself.

[kathtx]

It's funny all the married people here seem so cold and ruthless!!!

Nah, we're a bunch of hopeless romantics. It's just that those of us who are happily married can't imagine our wives blackmailing us, and see that's something's clearly "off" with Thalia's wife. Those who are unhappily married, or divorced, well, they recognize the signs of oncoming disaster.

Anyone who's been married more than a month knows that marriages have their ups and downs. The good marriages are those where the ups and downs are negotiated with patience, understanding, and humor, and don't devolve into mind games, threats, and ultimatums.

[Shelly67]

If "support" is all about making people feel better, then no, I suppose I'm not very good at that. Maybe I lack bedside manner. Should we all join hands and sing campfire songs? Group hug? Perhaps I misread the OP, but it looked as though he was seeking advice, not a group hug.

If a swift kick in the pants from me and others is enough impetus to hire a lawyer, and save himself a lot of grief down the road, then it's worth it. Thalia is about to be bent over and dry-raped, and all you're offering is a bit of lube.

I stand by my assertions regarding the wife. I have a number of friends who are/were private investigators. This type of story is quite common. The woman will hire the PI to investigate her husband -- for anything at all that can be used to get her more out of a divorce. Then she'll put on this big drama over being "betrayed" when all along she's been banging the gardener or the pool boy. I may be wrong, but I am drawing on some experience here. I hope I'm wrong, in fact, but we do no one any favors by pretending it's not a possibility.

I wholly stand by my assertion that blackmail is not a heat of passion act. It's an entirely rational and calculated maneuver.




Has anyone replying to this thread considered the responses given to be intimidating or aggressive ? I think if you ask the originator you will certainly be in for a shock believe me . Tell you what , don,t bother - he's enough to deal with already . Thats all I'm gonna say .

[kathtx]

Has anyone replying to this thread considered the responses given to be intimidating or aggressive?
I've found most responses have been too quick to jump to conclusions. It's completely warranted to suggest that Thalia should not sign anything and that she should be prepared for the worst. On the other hand -- as I think one poster may have pointed out -- it is still possible that these blackmail tactics are simply Thalia's wife's fumbling, desperate attempt to manipulate Thalia into stopping her dressing, and not some setup for a nasty divorce. The truth is, none of us really know.

Thalia, if you're still reading the deluge of responses to your query, don't give up yet on your marriage, but please, please do protect yourself. One thing you should have learned from all the responses is that your wife's financial "blackmail" is not normal even from wives who are intolerant of crossdressing. So hope for the best, but be on your guard.

One other thing: is there anyone among your friends and family to whom you can open up about this? Someone who knows both you and your wife, who can be trusted to be understanding of your crossdressing; a sibling, a friend, a minister? Folks on this board are well-intentioned but we don't know you and your wife, and some here bring baggage from their own bad experiences, and some, like me, who have good marriages might be over-optimistic. Don't bear this all on your own shoulders. If it goes badly, or even if it goes well, you're going to need friends you can talk to about it.

[Sheila]

Did nobody learn a damn thing from this thread by Jess_cd32 ? (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1677319&postcount=1][SIZE=%224)

[Thalia]

Last night after the deluge of responses I was so overwhelmed that I had to shut off the computer and go to bed. I thank all of you for the show of support and advice. Some of you have been a bit harsh but I understand that no one knows me, or my wife, and you are only getting my side of the story.

My wife and I have been together for a total of 18+ years, married 15+. During all this time she had a very successful career and brought a very, very decent salary into the household. Much of that money was used to acquire our assets. We did not buy much stock but chose to invest in real estate instead. Her job kept her out of the home much of the time and we decided that she would leave her profession about four years ago and spend more time with me. We've both in our early 60s. She began working w/me in my office p/t (which gave her access to all the e mail addresses) and doing a lot of volunteer work in the community. We were then able to travel together.

Ironically, the two parcels she wants in her name only are not the more expensive but were her favorites. She is not a vindictive person and I truly believe she is only trying to protect herself, not hurt me.

I had her complete respect and trust. I never worried about her 'checking up' where I had been on my computer and she never opened my mail. I had plain brown envelopes on the computer w/order forms for c/d clothes and she never even peeked. I'm certain of this because I would have been confronted long ago about my cross dressing.

I don't think it's the cross dressing that is her main concern. I hear what she's saying and it's more about the lack of honesty and the deception. Sneaking away to attend c/d events and the extensive wardrobe which I had cleverly hidden in the attic. I know she was upset to hear I had visited nail salons for manicures and, for some reason, she was especially bothered to learn I went for a fitting for a corset. These are all things that cross dressers do but certainly not the general male population. This causes her to question my sexuallity.

I'm rambling here but I want you all to know that I hear what you're telling me. I will meet with an attorney for some advice very soon. Thank you all for reading this and your responses.

[Stephanie Stephens]

Thalia; Only you know your relationship with your wife. I believe that if this were to happen to me I would make a deal with her about the dressing but I would tell her that "I love you but I will not be black-mailed". It is, to the best of my knowledge, against the law to do what she is trying to do. Good luck.

[obsessedwithpantyhose]

once again ill say....it seems that women would rather us be drunkin wife beaters than crossdresser....
i dont know....

ITS JUST CLOTHES people....


i know none of what im saying helps you,,,,

[susan fuller]

I agree with a lot of the replys. She has already made up her mind to leave and is just stalling to get you to sign over the properties. You can come back from her outing you and you may be in better shape than you think. But you can not get the property back if you sign it over to her. It does not sound right to me. Best of luck on whatever you decide to do. Only you can make that decision. She knows that she cannot win in court and is setting you up since you have done nothing wrong legally.

[Angel.Marie76]

It's good to hear you're at least investigating the attorney options. In at least speaking for myself, you're right when you say we only know your part of the story. When you note your age, 'parcels' as you put it, and other things such as her income being a large part of the overall income, I can tell you that in my experiences an unbalanced income can sometimes show a heavier weight of support at times to her favor. Granted, you've mentioned that you too had supporting income, so at least it's not a 'she gave all - he gave none' situation. I am aware that, certainly with multiple year marriages, that the courts tend to weigh evenly the assets acquired during the wedded periods (esp if you have good lawyers) but that, and often in relation to the ongoing income and expense frames, often the current breadwinner at the time of litigation can argue for ownership of the larger assets IF they can justify maintaining the expenses themselves. Of COURSE I've seen and read the horror stories of ex-wives forcing their husbands to foot the bill for their lavish lives while the men wallow in less-than-pleasant situations. I've also been in the side of 'I make the money right now, and you can't afford to maintain that lifestyle' too.. which leads to alimony. sigh. Thankfully I wasn't married for long enough to give my ex-wife the satisfaction of siphoning more money from me for anything other than child support. In the end, as much as it may sound poorly targeted, the dirt below the surface can keep both people quiet and actually end up causing less problems in the end.

Certainly one of the most important things to stew over when litigation is key is: Can you afford to maintain the cost of that fight through to it's end, and what are you willing to loose because of it? When you mentioned parcels, it sounds like you have other assets to sell... well, what of them? If your wife knew you were willing to leverage property for expense money to fight against her, how would she take that? What happens when you get a lawyer, get another mortgage on one of the properties, and start laying your cards on the table? Might she be intimidated?

Lastly, and trying to be as caring and friendly as possible (perhaps in true devil's advocate fashion to my unpleasantness previous) here, is looking into yourself. How much does your dressing mean to you? WHAT does it mean to you? Does it hold enough weight to be substantiated in court as a Gender Identity issue? I might look into (if you haven't already) speaking with a therapist or councilor, one who has the credentials to stand up for you in court or by deposition. The very first and foremost thing I did when approaching my gender related issues was have someone on my side, and I can tell you that can make ALL the difference. IF things hit the courts and start getting dirty, or heck, even if they don't, it would/might be nice to know that someone of intelligent and certified nature can attest to your mental state/stability.

My response initially is perhaps the opposite to the old saying 'Don't use a canon to kill a mosquito', as another I believe has stated, the military 'shock and awe' approach depending on the target at hand can sometimes have a better outcome at first. However, mediation, conversation, and explanation can sometimes produce results that can be far more favorable. It sounds like you're a fairly business-oriented person, so do what you do best - organize, research, and work towards your best-case ROI scenario.

[Karen564]

Ironically, the two parcels she wants in her name only are not the more expensive but were her favorites. She is not a vindictive person and I truly believe she is only trying to protect herself, not hurt me.
Thalia,
I know & completely understand that all this can be totally overwhelming..

My advise is free, so maybe your getting what your paying for here..

I was with my wife for 25 years, 20 of them married until our divorce about 4 years ago..
We didn't divorce because of my TS issues or anything like that, it was more of a falling out of love thing, I was always faithful to her, & I think she was to me, there wasn't ever any big arguments or anything , but we grew more unhappy with each other as we got older..
But I can say I knew her extremely well, or so I thought I did, she was far from being a mean or evil person, BUT, after she sought council of an divorce attorney & did this before me, she totally changed, and it was like dealing with a totally different person that I didn't know & became money hungry, she wanted more than 1/2 of my estate even though I paid for Everything & worked my ass off to provide a comfortable life, while she contributed zero to our assets..
When we separated, she moved out and left me with our two young girls to take care of, later one night she came by with the separation papers for me to sign, ..I wont go into details on this long document, but she used our children as a bargaining tool to intimidate me because of how the courts favor the woman which she made very clear and make me sign over more than I should of..
So in the end, she walked away with a nice lump of change, while I was left very little to show for my life's hard work..but I did get joint custody of my girls, so it wasn't all bad..

People never want to believe that the person they've loved can do anything bad to them, until it happens..

One saying I heard as a kid from a married guy having problems was, "Love is a Form of Insanity" and it's a very true statement indeed..

It's true that I dont know you or your wife, so it's hard to say exactly what you should do, but there always seem to be similar patterns in divorce before, during & after..and many times these dont come to light from others that experienced it until the after part..
So what I'm saying to you is, I'm seeing a similarity in signs of the before stage in your case... It doesn't mean that it's a definite thing, but is a very possible one..

So OK, she doesn't want the most valuable properties, but if things do end up in divorce, & hopefully for you both it doesn't, it still tips the scales in her favor if the rest of the estate gets split down the middle, I have no idea what the value of the properties were talking about here is, maybe their hardly worth the bother to even worry about.. but if were talking about properties worth more than 200K, that's at least 100K you will never see..
Are these properties by any chance the ones paid for free & clear & the others have loans on them?? It's just something to consider anyway..

But you also have to think about something else here, What exactly is she protecting herself from?? if she has no intention of hurting you, then she has no need to protect herself.. I just cant help but think that shes using your issues against you because she knows your feel so guilty about it and are feeling vulnerable right now...Sorry to say, shes got you where she wants you, right by the gonads..
If she truly wants to stay with you, then you need to sit down with each other & have a good heart to heart talk about the future of your relationship together from this point on as adults and agree to leave the money aspect out of it for now, and then agree that after some time has passed and the relationship has no hope of being repaired then you both can come up with an amlicial way to divide your assets in a fair way that's agreeable to both of you, instead of this forcible way under duress when your not thinking straight..
Blackmail is just so wrong, and I dont see any good comming out of it..

Good Luck..:hugs:

[Berinthia]

Are the kids out of college?

[JulieC]

Everyone here is assuming Thalia's wife is the bitch. Maybe Thalia is the bitch. We haven't heard Thalia's wfe's side of this.

Some actions do not need to be evaluated in context. Blackmailing someone in the manner in which Mrs. Thalia is doing is inexcusable behavior, regardless of the circumstances.


It's just that those of us who are happily married can't imagine our wives blackmailing us, and see that's something's clearly "off" with Thalia's wife.

Precisely.


She is not a vindictive person and I truly believe she is only trying to protect herself, not hurt me.

Your wife does not need the properties to protect herself. The e-mails and pictures are plenty enough to blackmail you with. The properties are nothing more than a grab. You're right. We don't know you. But, that gives us an advantage that you do not have; perspective from outside. You lack it. You wanted our input. You're getting it in spades. This blackmail is wet like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and flies like a duck. If you want to interpret this evidence as somehow magically being a prize winning feline, that's your business. But frankly, you're making a huge mistake. She does NOT need the properties to "protect herself" and best friends don't blackmail each other. EVER.


I don't think it's the cross dressing that is her main concern. I hear what she's saying and it's more about the lack of honesty and the deception.

Regardless of the source of her concern, the outcome is the same.


She is now the one who wears the sexy underwear and I find it is helping me to not feel the need to 'dress' because my sexual needs are being met and then some). In the past (before I told her) she did not wear the sexy underwear to bed.

I told my wife about this and her immediate response was "She's using sex as a tool against him, to manipulate him".

I'll re-iterate what I said earlier; you can't base a stable relationship on blackmail. Either the blackmail ends, or the relationship ends. I don't think there's any middle ground on that.

[Sarah89]

I would sign it but have added that if she starts the divorce the agreement s null and void. Also have added if she outs you it is null and void.
Hell yeah !!!! good idea !

[Thalia]

Are the kids out of college?

All the kids are grown. Her three and my one married and one single. One son (mine) married a girl who tends to be standoffish and seems to try to keep him away from his side of the family. This son is also the one child who is always looking to see if he got 'his fair share' whenever we do something for any of our kids. (There's usually one in every family) and he is very jealous. We've already had some problems with him because he felt we do too much for some and not enough for him. I know if my cding became known this son would probably write me off. Sad but true. If the relationship is strained (because of his misperceptons) to begin with, there's little hope of staying close.

[JulieC]

All the kids are grown.

Well, that greatly reduces the complexity.

I realize you have a strong relationship with grand-children on her side, and they will probably be impacted significantly if you vanished from their lives. On the bright side, you're not their primary care giver, so it's not as big of a deal.

Please keep us posted on what happens.

[Berinthia]

With the kids out of the line of fire, this drama might boil down to just another divorce, in which case everyone is right, if it's you or her, pick yourself. Even if you are wrong, or a cad, she's a big girl. Divorce Happens.
Still, crossdressing is not much grounds for tearing you to shreds in court. I'm not even sure she could use her evidence against you if she stole it from under lock and key. Are these e-mails and pics like you'd see on this site, or are they a tad more sexual? Can you steal them back?
I think you guys are making much too much of this being a "blackmail" issue. You let your wife down, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Being a good wife is not as easy as it looks. She justs wants to send "partyboy" the bill for her being a good wife while you ran around. If you think blackmail is ugly, wait til you meet her divorce lawyer.
Listen, I hope it all works out, without knowing you two I'm just gossiping. Shame on me. I saw this happen on an episode of "The Sopranos" and it ended when Tony bought Carmella a brand new mink coat. I saw something like this happen with Kobe Bryant, his wife got a 5 million dollar ring. I hope you get off that easy, if you want a happy marriage you pay. That sounds like a crime, but that's the way it is. Not just my opinion.

[tvbeckytv]

I don't think it's the cross dressing that is her main concern. I hear what she's saying and it's more about the lack of honesty and the deception. Sneaking away to attend c/d events and the extensive wardrobe which I had cleverly hidden in the attic. I know she was upset to hear I had visited nail salons for manicures and, for some reason, she was especially bothered to learn I went for a fitting for a corset. These are all things that cross dressers do but certainly not the general male population. This causes her to question my sexuallity.

.


i think you need couciling...but not marriage, personal counciling to give you a some sense of self worth. Yes you were dishonest not to tell her before you married her....but that is it...that is wholey what you are guilty of. To feel guilt because you had your nails done, or had a corset fitting, or attended events? Thats not being dishonest, being married dosnt mean you are joined at the hip and have no right to a private life.
Yes i think you should have told her about you 15 yrs ago...but you need to get your crime into perspective IMO.
Of course, most the replys on here may be doing your wife an injustice as to her motives....but it is very difficult to get away from the fact that she has commited a criminal offence. you on the other hand, so far as we know, have not.
along with all the other good advice...most of which i agree with...think about talking your cross dressing with a councilor on your own...it may give you some clarity of thought about your situation, and of yourself.

[CharlotteW]

Wo wo wo wohhhhhh. I don't believe I'm reading this.

This isn't marriage. As previously stated, this is a hostage situation.

If everything you have typed is totally truthful (and I'd never call anyone a liar without just cause), this whole sketch wreaks of 'saving face' and collation of evidence and has nothing to do with love.
Someone once told me "you have to turn a bad situation in to a good situation"....that's just what she is doing, in my opinion.

I'm a rather strong willed person and in your position I'd be saying "this is blackmail, blackmail is a crime and you could go to jail for it. Simple!"

I'm sorry if that was not what you wanted to hear, but that's how I see it.

Kindest regards

[Mona]

If I was in your place I would go along with her demands to quit CDing as a ruse then get real sneaky and steal back the pictues and emails and clothes she stole from you! Then things would be even and you will find out if she has any love left for you. I did this with my ex and it diffused the situation so the real issues (her drinking) could be delt with.

[Rachael Turner]

One person (not my wife) threatened me with blackmail photos once. The pics they showed me weren't sexual but were me. Good pics too. I calmy told them be careful what you say from this moment forward. They wanted 1000 dollars in 5 days or they would make them public. 4 days later he was in icu where he stayed for 2 weeks. They still walk with a limp to this day. Now granted that wasn't my wife. She knows about my past and wouldn't go that route.

[cindym5_04]

I had a boss where I work discover some pics of me dressed a few years ago. I'm only on a couple of sites where you need a password. He thought that I was trying to get together with this one girl that also worked here who he was trying to sleep with (she and I were friends...she had turned him down). In his "revenge effort" he called her up to his office (she didn't even belong to his dept.) and told her that he needed to meet with her. From my understanding what happened (from her and confirmed by her friend that also went into the office with her) is that he brought up whatever website, typed in a password, spun the monitor around and told them to have a look and that it was me. His "evil plan" actually backfired on him. The response that the girls had were "ooo he looks really good dressed like that" and the best one ever was "umm how did you find that and why do you have a password".

Granted he never approached me about it the entire time we were working in the same dept. He's no longer here as he transferred companies. I know it's not the same thing as blackmail, but it's something that he was very wrong for doing or for trying to hold against me nonetheless.

It's a good thing for him, though, that he didn't approach me about or with it. I would have taken him to HR about it, since this company is one of the tops in the nation when it comes to GLBT issues.

[Berinthia]

I KNEW this thread was heading toward violence!
Sherlock Holmes could sum this case up in 5 minutes, I'm not even sure any crime has been commited.
My Friend's wife divorced him, mainly because of the construction site buddies he was hanging out with, he was the last one to know about it, and the second she left the phone in his house went from ringing 50 times a day to zero times a day.
While Thalia is getting advice from this forum, Thalia's wife might be getting advice from all her friends. What do you think they're saying?

[CharlotteW]

I KNEW this thread was heading toward violence!
Sherlock Holmes could sum this case up in 5 minutes, I'm not even sure any crime has been commited.
My Friend's wife divorced him, mainly because of the construction site buddies he was hanging out with, he was the last one to know about it, and the second she left the phone in his house went from ringing 50 times a day to zero times a day.
While Thalia is getting advice from this forum, Thalia's wife might be getting advice from all her friends. What do you think they're saying?

They'll be listening carefully to her words and formulating a response based upon what they think she wants to hear. Things like "that's awful, screw him for every penny guuurl".

It's unlikely to be..."oh that must be worrying. I'm sure it's just a passing phase, maybe his 'problem' will just go away and you can pick up the pieces and move on. Trust me, I wont tell a soul about this".

And anyone who thinks that a large group of people advising someone to seek legal advice is NOT being supportive, think again. Giving advice isn't about being PC, it's about telling it 'like it is'.

Kind regards

[Nadia-Maria]

Thalia, I feel very much empathy with you. Like you I loved very much my first wife. Like you I believed for 14 years she loved me. Like you I worked hard. Like you I didn't pay much attention to the first evil behaviours she had, close to the end of the story. Like you I was convinced she would never do what she eventually did. Like you I believed to all her lies. Like you I lacked self-esteem faced to charming women.
(The only difference is I never came out to her about my CDing and she has never known of it).
Like you I did know nothing about women. Whereas she knew everything about manipulating naive men like myself. And she prepared herself one year ahead of the divorce, in total secrecy.

From what you wrote, it is already too late. Even if you follow the very good advices in this thread you will lose more than you are even able to imagine.
The good news are that in the few years to come you will become a lot wiser and much more able to do the difference between a loving woman and a pure lying devil.
They are the only good news of such - not so rare - stories.

Nadia

[KarenCDFL]

Just mention to her that Blackmail and extortion is a Federal Offense. So go right ahead, you can ask her to watch while you call the Police.

[LeslieSD]

What's there to be afraid of? You have to face it (your fear) eye-to-eye. Let's look at them.

(1) You are afraid of being exposed to your friend, colleague, and clients. Look at it, you have options:

(a) Stand up and admit it. Think about those of your colleague who admits they are gay. None of them just went down, right? They live their life free and ture to themselves. Life is too short.

(b) Deny it. When it gets to that stage (she expose you and file divorce), people know it is a ugly divorce battle. Everyone know the stories told there might have a lot of water in it. Nobody is going to ask your wife for a copy and submit for authenticity check. So deny it and people will buy.

(c) Escape it. I guess you have got enough (even half of what you have now) to retire to Bahama or Hawaii. Life is too short, why care about what other people guess.

(2) You are afraid of lossing your wife. (indeed, you are afraid of losing and the loneliness). You have options too:

(a) Treat her well. Spend time with her, and buy her flowers. But don't encourage her to commit criminal acts.

(b) If you are not losing her, you are not losing her. That means if she still loves you, she will not want to hurt someone she loves.

(c) If you have lost her, you have lost her. That means if she does not care about hurting you even just for the revenge entertainment, she is not the woman you imagine that you have been loving. So face the reality.

See, life is so easy and simple. So stand up and be a man.

[sometimes_miss]

Just mention to her that Blackmail and extortion is a Federal Offense. So go right ahead, you can ask her to watch while you call the Police.

Blackmailers know what they're doing is a crime. They don't care. They commit the crime because they're so absolutely sure that they can get away with it. The best solution is to appear to comply, and somehow catch them in the act (for which you will need professional legal help). Then if a divorce comes, she goes to jail. He gets the property. Yes, you do have to out yourself to a lawyer, but they've heard pretty much every story you can imagine; at the end of the day, all they care about is winning the case and getting paid. Thalia's wife is doing exactly what my ex-wife did to me.

[nvlady]

I only have one question. If she's not planning on leaving you, what difference does it make whose name your property is in?

[AmandaM]

<< I understand where she's coming from.....and signing over some property to her won't really hurt me if we did not stay together.>>

Well, when she has that, then sues for half of the rest, you'll find out how much it hurts.

As far as married people being the ones up in arms here. Hell yeah, it's cause this is betrayal! Betrayal of love! No love exists here. What?! One day she's gonna say she's sorry she said she'd blackmail you? She's gonna say she's sorry she plotted to out you? She's sorry she planned this ahead of time? Conspiracy is the problem. It wasn't her blabbling her mout' cause she was mad, it's cold and calculated. There's the old saying, watch what they do, not what they say. She didn't just say she was gonna blackmail you, she took action to implement it.

P.S. I am sorry my friend. But, you have a hard road ahead. You must accept the fact that you will be outed. This fear is keeping you paralyzed, and preventing you from protecting yourself. Tell all of this to your attorney. If you are nervous, get a female attorney. Only by defending yourself do you have a chance "not to be outed". Go down swingin', so to speak. You might survive intact.

[Presh GG]

Thalia, I don't think she'll do anything , unlike everybody else , you said she's changed to sexy undies.
She's crying herself to sleep.
She is'nt into the expencive property, ... just her " favorites "

she's hurt from the years of hideing.

She needs help.
OMG , IT"S ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS, TALK IT OUT ;
HER EMOTIONS ARE SWINGING CRAZY.
SHE NEEDS YOU MORE NOW THAN AT ANY TIME IN YOUR LIFE TOGETHER
SHE's scared, confused.
WELL YOU KNOW HER BETTER THAN WE DO, IS ANY OF THIS VALID ?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME PROTECT YOURSELF.
[B]PLEASE DON'T ANYBODY SHOOT ME ! IT'S JUST A GG'S POINT OF VIEW.
RESPECTFULLY, springtime

[JulieC]

Thalia, I don't think she'll do anything , unlike everybody else , you said she's changed to sexy undies.
She's crying herself to sleep.
She is'nt into the expencive property, ... just her " favorites "

she's hurt from the years of hideing.

She needs help.
OMG , IT"S ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS, TALK IT OUT ;
HER EMOTIONS ARE SWINGING CRAZY.
SHE NEEDS YOU MORE NOW THAN AT ANY TIME IN YOUR LIFE TOGETHER
SHE's scared, confused.
WELL YOU KNOW HER BETTER THAN WE DO, IS ANY OF THIS VALID ?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME PROTECT YOURSELF.
[B]PLEASE DON'T ANYBODY SHOOT ME ! IT'S JUST A GG'S POINT OF VIEW.
RESPECTFULLY, springtime

No reason to shoot you :)

You see it from a different point of view. That's fine. Most of us see a different view from yours. None of us are right or wrong, because none of us know for sure.

[Shelly67]

Thalia, I don't think she'll do anything , unlike everybody else , you said she's changed to sexy undies.
She's crying herself to sleep.
She is'nt into the expencive property, ... just her " favorites "

she's hurt from the years of hideing.

She needs help.
OMG , IT"S ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS, TALK IT OUT ;
HER EMOTIONS ARE SWINGING CRAZY.
SHE NEEDS YOU MORE NOW THAN AT ANY TIME IN YOUR LIFE TOGETHER
SHE's scared, confused.
WELL YOU KNOW HER BETTER THAN WE DO, IS ANY OF THIS VALID ?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME PROTECT YOURSELF.
[B]PLEASE DON'T ANYBODY SHOOT ME ! IT'S JUST A GG'S POINT OF VIEW.
RESPECTFULLY, springtime





A last .

[DanaR]

I would have to agree with everyone that suggested you get a lawyer ASAP. I sounds like she doesn't like the size of her cut and wants a bigger one or as much as she can get.

[Thalia]

Thalia, I don't think she'll do anything , unlike everybody else , you said she's changed to sexy undies.
She's crying herself to sleep.
She is'nt into the expencive property, ... just her " favorites "

she's hurt from the years of hideing.

She needs help.
OMG , IT"S ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS, TALK IT OUT ;
HER EMOTIONS ARE SWINGING CRAZY.
SHE NEEDS YOU MORE NOW THAN AT ANY TIME IN YOUR LIFE TOGETHER
SHE's scared, confused.
WELL YOU KNOW HER BETTER THAN WE DO, IS ANY OF THIS VALID ?

BUT AT THE SAME TIME PROTECT YOURSELF.
[B]PLEASE DON'T ANYBODY SHOOT ME ! IT'S JUST A GG'S POINT OF VIEW.
RESPECTFULLY, springtime

Springtime: After all the responses I was pleased to see yours. I've received so much advice - some of it hinting towards violence -- and am glad to see someone (there are a few others) who seem to have a better understanding of what's actually going on here. Believe me, my wife is not evil. I'll still speak with an attorney but I honestly think the issue is more about trust and the years of my deception rather than the crossdressing. She doesn't speak as much about that. I believe there's hope that she will accept me as I am. It's taken me so long to accept myself.

[Amelia Moxon]

Even if she is emotionally confused she has no right to try and blackmail you. Get a lawyer and for god's sake don't sign a thing.

Amelia xxx

[Crysten]

Out yourself to everyone. EVERYONE. You don't have to be dressed to do it, just tell them. Difficult, painful, yes, BUT....will take the wind out of her pirate heart, that's for sure. You may lose some friends, you may lose some clients, but you will still have your self respect, and you will have completely eliminated the situation, on your own terms.

Years ago, I was outed to basically everyone I work with. No blackmail involved. You would be suprised - 95% of the people don't care, and the 5% who do care, aren't people I care to associate with anyhow.

Your kids will be your kids regardless of whether they know or not. Same goes with the rest of your family - my guess is that the 95/5 rule will probably apply with the family as well.

End of blackmail. Maybe a divorce, but who knows, it was probably coming anynow. Burying your femme self will fail - read the forums, everyone who's tried this fails, almost across the board.

Best of luck to you.

Crysten

[Karen564]

Springtime: After all the responses I was pleased to see yours. I've received so much advice - some of it hinting towards violence -- and am glad to see someone (there are a few others) who seem to have a better understanding of what's actually going on here. Believe me, my wife is not evil. I'll still speak with an attorney but I honestly think the issue is more about trust and the years of my deception rather than the crossdressing. She doesn't speak as much about that. I believe there's hope that she will accept me as I am. It's taken me so long to accept myself.


Thalia,
I'm very happy for you, being that you have finally found the answer you were looking for.. After all, you know your wife much better than anyone, and obviously know that she loves you with all her heart and would never hurt you....So it sounds like you have nothing to worry about now..I'm very sorry I posted what I did.....And I wish you the best of luck.. :)

[CharlotteW]

Karen564, I think you just said what I was thinking.

Thalia, I'm sorry for not being PC or pseudo-supportive, it's my nature to 'tell it like it is' and sometimes I wish I had kept my big mouth shut.
Sincerely, good luck. [hand on heart]

[Sophie A Walker]

I would ask one question: How long are you willing to be blackmailed for?

If your answer is 'for the rest of your life' then sign everything you own over to her right now and commit yourself to paying her everything you earn for the rest of your life.

If your answer is not 'for the rest of your life' then get legal help ASAP.

Blackmailers never stop.

Ever.

[Lee Andrews]

Springtime: After all the responses I was pleased to see yours. I've received so much advice - some of it hinting towards violence -- and am glad to see someone (there are a few others) who seem to have a better understanding of what's actually going on here. Believe me, my wife is not evil. I'll still speak with an attorney but I honestly think the issue is more about trust and the years of my deception rather than the crossdressing. She doesn't speak as much about that. I believe there's hope that she will accept me as I am. It's taken me so long to accept myself.

You know your wife the best and I hope there is something you left out or couldn't express in writing that adds to the story. I know there have been a few times I have posted something that made sense to me and others have taken it the wrong way because I couldn't express it properly or chose the wrong word and it is taken out of context.

I think most people here are good hearted and just want to help with their experiences.

All the best.

[Nadia-Maria]

Springtime: After all the responses I was pleased to see yours. I've received so much advice - some of it hinting towards violence -- and am glad to see someone (there are a few others) who seem to have a better understanding of what's actually going on here.


It still appears rather unclear to me what you were really looking for by opening this thread requesting for advice.

What is blatant now, is you are criticizing most members who basically simply tried to help you - upon your very request.

This behaviour of yours seems questionable, to say the least.

Nevertheless I hope the best for you.

[Miranda09]

Just to put my 2 cents in, I think the arguement that you deceived her is rediculous. You didn't tell her initially because you were afraid. Trust takes time to build. It's NOT given freely just because you marry someone. Even after marriage, trust takes time. Don't let anyone tell you that you decieved her because you didn't tell her initially. She even said that if she had known from the beginning she would not have married you. This isnt like you were sleeping with everyone woman in the state or selling drugs on the side. I think you have to ask yourself why you married her in the first place. Was it because your were love with or just in love with the idea of beling in love with her. Obviously we dont know her as a person, and she might be good, but this is no way treat someone you allegedly love...thru better OR for worse. Remember that line?????

[Sheila]

Just to put my 2 cents in, I think the arguement that you deceived her is rediculous. You didn't tell her initially because you were afraid. Trust takes time to build. It's NOT given freely just because you marry someone. Even after marriage, trust takes time.

I may be way off base here, but if you don't TRUST someone why the hell are you marrying them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Miranda09]

I may be way off base here, but if you don't TRUST someone why the hell are you marrying them !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Getting married to someone doesnt necessarily mean you trust one another. I've seen many instances where people get married but the trust wasn't there. I am an example of that. When I got married...a lifetime ago, I was madly in love with her. Yet no matter what I did, I could never fully gain her trust. So, marriage does not always equal trust. But if you've achieved that, more power to you.

[CD Susan]

I CAN'T BELIEVE you are still lving with this evil person! I CAN'T BELIEVE you have not hired a lawyer yet. I CAN'T BELIEVE that you do not have the backbone to stand up to this b_tch. Like someome else said you need to grow a pair. Sorry for being so blunt but I hate seeing someone being walked all over like this.

[Shelly67]

I CAN'T BELIEVE you are still lving with this evil person! I CAN'T BELIEVE you have not hired a lawyer yet. I CAN'T BELIEVE that you do not have the backbone to stand up to this b_tch. Like someome else said you need to grow a pair. Sorry for being so blunt but I hate seeing someone being walked all over like this.

I was gonna keep quiet , but I,ve had enough its got my goat so I,m replying .I,d was hoping things would have quietened down , but it still keeps coming . This is my opinion , I may be wrong in some of the members eyes , but at least I am not disrespectful . I may even get scolded by admin , but here goes ..........

I gotta ask a question -
Has anyone on here really considered Thalias feelings or his emotions ?? For gods sake it's his wife - he LOVES her !!!
He has admitted in the replies he,s made mistakes , that his wife has retaliated in pain and torment and that they are seeking professional help TOGETHER . Remember that THEY ARE SEEKING HELP TOGETHER .

I would have liked to have thought a little respect for these peoples age needs to be considered too .

And the guys integrity .

Think about his wife . She's discovered her partner has secretly been meeting other cd's , harmless as it may have been ,I bet she's is worried sick it's been for casual sex . This would kill any womens trust , make her feel so unwanted , so undesired . Perhaps thats why she now has taken to sexier underwear ? She may have been so hurt her reaction was to give different reasons : If you wanna dress , do it at home , no more going out , and if need be an ultimatum will secure this . Its knee jerk , but understandable . When you really love someone we've all said the cruelist of things , behaved totally out of character . Has anyone considered this ?
Think on , theres so many crossdressers on this site , keeping theyre lives so secret , afraid of the consequences were theyre wives to find out . We,ve all been there . Is that why so many of us hide away ?? We simply do NOT want to damage our relationship or emotionally want to hurt our partners . So if it were to happen the last thing we,d want is to be misunderstood when asking for advice or in some cases condemmed when we,re really hurting .
But still the insults come . How can anyone one here jump the gun so readily ? Theres far too much venom on this matter .
Theres another thing to consider . AND READ THIS AND THINK - he,s relatively a newbie , very very few posts . And yet for this thread and his asking for advice ( at the time he was so emotional he found everything difficult , vague even , his plea for help short , but surely thought provoking ) so what does he get in return ?
I think there are a few who have jumped on him and set about him like a pack of wolves . Not exactly an enticing prospect to a newbie is it ?
Remember - he LOVES her - consider his feelings .He must have been worried sick when this all came out - who wouldnt be if they didnt want to lose the person who means the most .? How could anyone take anything seriously with such name calling whilst your emotionally unstable ? Thats not support .Its bad enough coming to terms with being a newly outed crossdresser - and I mean for both parties !!

Even for those who have been readily accepted must agree that is very stressfull .

And I,m without doubt if anyone called our parters such names we,d be hurt and bl**dy fuming . Never mind feeling unconsidered . Its not helping is it ??

Oh , and don,t you think in replying to someone in this manner IS literally walking all over them??
Its not blunt .
Its downright uncourteous and rude .

And the whole thing , for people who wish to dress and behave as females it just shows its non compassionate and very unlady like .

I just wish this thread were locked , closed or even deleted , because believe me its doing more harm than good . If it were my thread , I,d have certainly asked for it to have been . Both these poor folks are really hurting . This marriage does not need vented angst in any manner at all . Its turned into petty quibbling .They certainly don,t need to read these unthoughtful remarks adding insult to injury . If there is any doubt they won't make it then at least show REAL SUPPORT FOR A FORUM MEMBER . The last thing he needs is kicking when he,s down. And if the greater were to be achieved , counselling were to work his wife to openly accept his crossdressing and move on ( remember she now lets him dress considerably ) then I,m sorry this thread will be looked upon with great remorse BY THEM BOTH . It hasn't been very nice has it ?

Oh and for the one member who has considered my input as nothing more than lube in a dry rape , that disgusts me . To me rape is the most horrible hiddeous crime .


Thalia , to you and youre partner , all the very best , no matter what the outcome . I,m sure after all those years together you,ll progress to be able to see through blame , horror disbelief and move on one way or the other. It may take help , perhaps a long time but I sincerely hope this chapter in youre life passes , grows every day in acceptance , towards building a new trust worthy life together emerging into the type of partnership that every man and women ( let a alone crossdressing man ) can only crave and desire .
Good luck .


END OF SERMONN.

[Presh GG]

MISTRESS MICHELLE,


[COLOR="Red"]AMEN !!!!!!!!!!!!
[SIZE="2"
AND I THINK YOU"RE A HELL OF A LADY .
springtime gg

[Thalia]

It still appears rather unclear to me what you were really looking for by opening this thread requesting for advice.

What is blatant now, is you are criticizing most members who basically simply tried to help you - upon your very request.

This behaviour of yours seems questionable, to say the least.

Nevertheless I hope the best for you.

Nadia-Maria: When one has a problem, it is natural to ask for advice. I am certain that in your lifetime you have done so. Do you always agree with the advice given? Do you always take the advice given? I may have felt that the responses were unnecessarily harsh, even suggesting violence, but I understand that this advice came as a result of people's own experiences. I don't have to agree with everything said.

[cindym5_04]

I brought this up to my wife this weekend to gain another perspective from a GG. She agreed with the notion that your wife has already consulted a lawyer and is planning to divorce you in the not-so-distant future. She's getting everything lined up so that she can get the most out of the divorce proceedings. As for her wearing the sexy panties to bed, she's using that to control and distract you, so that you won't think about her planning things out. My wife said that for you to not to think that she would do something like that, you're being naive, because apparently she's already doing it and working on it. My wife also agreed that you should come out to your friends and clients on what is going on since it really would be best for them to find out from you than from someone else. She also recommended that you talk to a lawyer and to not sign anything. If there is anything that she wants you to sign regarding this, it should be passed over to your lawyer for review.