KeriB
04-13-2009, 05:12 PM
Those of you who know/knew me from posts here haven't seen me for a bit.. just thought I would update you on my personal situation and while I was writing this note to my best friend, thought I would post as such...
"So how are things in your life? I was thinking of you yesterday as I was looking over dates and realized that the Ball is in a couple of weeks. Getting excited about that? Honestly, I miss nothing of it at all, really and truly. Towards the end of my run, things started to become a chore and, actually, the last few times I really kind of forced myself at that point. I think in many ways I am a naive person and allowed myself to be sucked into this whole thing as far as I did; if I had only broken off by a mere three weeks, things would be so much different for me now. My wife asked me the other day during a heated discussion, what would've happened if she told me to get out months ago when I was saying on my blog that basically I couldn't do anything because of family. I had no real response, although I know deep down that I probably would be dead by now.... honestly, thank god that I didn't go off alone and try to do this, truly. It would have been the worst mistake in my life, which of course it is now anyway, but I still live in my home for what that's worth....
Things between us are very cold at the moment. My wife is in her own counseling, and she has stated that that was not a good thing because now she is feeling empowered.. she doesn't know where things are going and is still in the day by day mode. Which is the most upsetting of all for me because I do not handle uncertainty well, and I am so alone, alone unlike I have ever been in my entire life. And I just don't know what to do most of the time, and find myself saying the wrong things which upsets her again. I am lost without her and I wish I had seen this so long ago. To top all that off, I discovered last week that she was texting someone daily... the number matched our attorney, who I had originally hired. Like 20-45 texts every day, from first in the morning to after 10pm. I did confront her about this and she assures me that she was asking questions (as to our situation..) but that he was also just a friend that she was speaking to. That just hurts as she would text him first thing in the morning and I am getting nothing most days... Honestly, this is the most painful experience I have ever gone through... But, I still am in the house, we still share a bed together, she will still kiss me and most times reply that she loves me.... and she allows me to rub her back on occasion in bed or to simply touch her, which I should find comfort in. Nothing coming the other way however at all... I am emotionally shut off and it kills me.
I am sorry to vent to you, but you are my closest friend, well probably my only true friend and certainly the only one who knows all. I could never have pulled off a transition, I could never have handled it emotionally, and I wonder where all the writings I had accomplished truly came from. It all seems so foreign to me now... And in the end, I could not rationalize the why of why I would throw everything away to become something that really wasn't supposed to be, particularly in the face of such great obstacles and an uncertain success, likely failure. I would have been completely ostracized by everyone, and for what???? Was wearing a dress so natural for me...? I think I convinced myself, or rather duped myself into thinking that this was me, and for me..... when all along I was and would have been still searching for what I needed to find - that the world does not revolve around me, that there are more important people in my life that deserve my time and attention, that I was incredibly selfish and hurtful. So incredibly selfish.... And so disrespectful and uncaring for what I was putting my wife through. In the moment, it all didn't matter.... but for what I am going through now, it wasn't worth it in any way...."
My advice for what it's worth is to make damned sure what it is you want.... and fully evaluate all the potential consequences of your actions. And be aware that this is all so heady stuff and it's very easy to get sucked into the moment.. particularly when everyone is 100% encouraging and you cannot see the truth for what it is. I have given up everything related to the "Keri".... And regardless of opening myself to flaming, I will never go back; this process for me has run its course fully - I always was upfront in saying that I would choose one path and that would be it. Unfortunately, I may have chosen too late, which is why I wish to pass along my experience to others. There's nothing more important on this earth than family... for without family, what's left? Think before you act, and remember the repercussions of your actions upon those who do love you. I wish I had long ago...
Be well all and I wish everyone the best...
"So how are things in your life? I was thinking of you yesterday as I was looking over dates and realized that the Ball is in a couple of weeks. Getting excited about that? Honestly, I miss nothing of it at all, really and truly. Towards the end of my run, things started to become a chore and, actually, the last few times I really kind of forced myself at that point. I think in many ways I am a naive person and allowed myself to be sucked into this whole thing as far as I did; if I had only broken off by a mere three weeks, things would be so much different for me now. My wife asked me the other day during a heated discussion, what would've happened if she told me to get out months ago when I was saying on my blog that basically I couldn't do anything because of family. I had no real response, although I know deep down that I probably would be dead by now.... honestly, thank god that I didn't go off alone and try to do this, truly. It would have been the worst mistake in my life, which of course it is now anyway, but I still live in my home for what that's worth....
Things between us are very cold at the moment. My wife is in her own counseling, and she has stated that that was not a good thing because now she is feeling empowered.. she doesn't know where things are going and is still in the day by day mode. Which is the most upsetting of all for me because I do not handle uncertainty well, and I am so alone, alone unlike I have ever been in my entire life. And I just don't know what to do most of the time, and find myself saying the wrong things which upsets her again. I am lost without her and I wish I had seen this so long ago. To top all that off, I discovered last week that she was texting someone daily... the number matched our attorney, who I had originally hired. Like 20-45 texts every day, from first in the morning to after 10pm. I did confront her about this and she assures me that she was asking questions (as to our situation..) but that he was also just a friend that she was speaking to. That just hurts as she would text him first thing in the morning and I am getting nothing most days... Honestly, this is the most painful experience I have ever gone through... But, I still am in the house, we still share a bed together, she will still kiss me and most times reply that she loves me.... and she allows me to rub her back on occasion in bed or to simply touch her, which I should find comfort in. Nothing coming the other way however at all... I am emotionally shut off and it kills me.
I am sorry to vent to you, but you are my closest friend, well probably my only true friend and certainly the only one who knows all. I could never have pulled off a transition, I could never have handled it emotionally, and I wonder where all the writings I had accomplished truly came from. It all seems so foreign to me now... And in the end, I could not rationalize the why of why I would throw everything away to become something that really wasn't supposed to be, particularly in the face of such great obstacles and an uncertain success, likely failure. I would have been completely ostracized by everyone, and for what???? Was wearing a dress so natural for me...? I think I convinced myself, or rather duped myself into thinking that this was me, and for me..... when all along I was and would have been still searching for what I needed to find - that the world does not revolve around me, that there are more important people in my life that deserve my time and attention, that I was incredibly selfish and hurtful. So incredibly selfish.... And so disrespectful and uncaring for what I was putting my wife through. In the moment, it all didn't matter.... but for what I am going through now, it wasn't worth it in any way...."
My advice for what it's worth is to make damned sure what it is you want.... and fully evaluate all the potential consequences of your actions. And be aware that this is all so heady stuff and it's very easy to get sucked into the moment.. particularly when everyone is 100% encouraging and you cannot see the truth for what it is. I have given up everything related to the "Keri".... And regardless of opening myself to flaming, I will never go back; this process for me has run its course fully - I always was upfront in saying that I would choose one path and that would be it. Unfortunately, I may have chosen too late, which is why I wish to pass along my experience to others. There's nothing more important on this earth than family... for without family, what's left? Think before you act, and remember the repercussions of your actions upon those who do love you. I wish I had long ago...
Be well all and I wish everyone the best...