Did I do too much or I found what I like?

[KateC]

Ok, I hope this thread gets answered or noticed.

If you have followed my posts, you would know that my going out dressed which was a huge step, occured about a month or so.

Previously, I either didn't think of or didn't have the chance nor really contemplated going out dressed for the past 20ish years.

I'm thinking maybe because of circumstances of my relationship, being lonely, just wanted to experiment and opportunity lead me to go move up a notch on my CDing.

Did I go overboard really? Or did I just discover something I like? Regardless of what the answer is, is this a *NEED* that can't be removed or it's just a *WANT* which can be suppressed?

I know for some of you who are out and about and accepting S/O, it's normal to you. But for me it's different, so I'm wondering if anyone can help me out or share their stores who are similar to me.

Kate

[Kate Simmons]

Obviously you were ready to go out dressed or wouldn't have done it. What you have to figure out now is: is it a NEED you WANT to fulfill or do others NEED you not to fulfill it so you WANT to please them instead? Only you can answer these questions Kate.

[Teresa Macaw]

Only time will tell. I just started going out as it was unbearable any longer. Have wanted to for 35+ years. Everyone is different, some a fad other as most say a life-long inner need or compulsion. Only you will know & time will help. So experiment & go slowly, join a group like Tri-Ess & see where it leads. Tri-Ess is a safe place to start http://www.tri-ess.org I have tried to stop a few times & failed, it can be repressed I did for 10 years but for me it never really went away. Be the best Tgirl you can be.

[Phyliss]

NEEDS or WANTS eternal question.

I figure the only thing I NEED to do is breathe, after that ALL things are optional.

Having said that, there may come a time when the option of eating becomes an overriding "WANT"

Same goes for dressing, in my strange thought process. I might really WANT to dress, but I don't "NEED" to, in fact I can go around nekkid, it might not be a good idea in some places, but I can do it. (it's an option, not a good one, but still an option)

I've discovered, for me, that, while I wear female clothes everyday, I don't necessarily "go out" fully "en femme" (wig forms skirt makeup heels etc.). I guess I get enough of my "girl fix" to keep me happy most of the time. Still there are those times when I want to "go out" and play.

[DonnaT]

If you have followed my posts, you would know that my going out dressed which was a huge step, occured about a month or so.

is this a *NEED* that can't be removed or it's just a *WANT* which can be suppressed?

It is a decision only you can make, Kate.

Why did you go out in the first place? Because you wanted to, because everyone else was doing it, or did you really feel a need to experience something new?

The very first time I was dressed fully enfemme (1975 or 76?), I was ready to head out and be amongst others. My wife put the brakes on that though.

I had dressed and gone outside before, but I was a kid and had a crew cut. I couldn't be seen, but I still had to go out, even if it was in my backyard.

Definitely a need I felt, not just a want.

[Teri Jean]

Kate,
For me it was opportunity, need, want and love it immensely. The other side is to late in life but still doing it.

Keli

[happygirl]

I'm too tall for the public but if I could I would, thats an eight foot ceiling and I have my two inch heels on. My favorite five inch heels and well, I am six foot ten inches tall/:eek:

[Kaz]

Ok, I hope this thread gets answered or noticed.

If you have followed my posts, you would know that my going out dressed which was a huge step, occured about a month or so.

Previously, I either didn't think of or didn't have the chance nor really contemplated going out dressed for the past 20ish years.

I'm thinking maybe because of circumstances of my relationship, being lonely, just wanted to experiment and opportunity lead me to go move up a notch on my CDing.

Did I go overboard really? Or did I just discover something I like? Regardless of what the answer is, is this a *NEED* that can't be removed or it's just a *WANT* which can be suppressed?

I know for some of you who are out and about and accepting S/O, it's normal to you. But for me it's different, so I'm wondering if anyone can help me out or share their stores who are similar to me.

Kate

Hi Kate,

Don't know enough about your situation to get into detail, but having come fully into this later in life (just in denial for a long time, with minor excursions) I find going out the most liberating experience - scary as hell, but wonderful. But then I am treading very very carefully. Yeah, I would love to be accepted, but on my own late at night... feeling like Kaz and not the "day job"... priceless.

I would love to do it more and haven't been fully dressed nor out now for some weeks, but looking forward to next week and the next two weeks, when I will be working away from home a bit and in hotels....

Want or Need? That's for you. All I can say is that when I am not able to do it for extended periods... I can still remember and relive the experiences I have had (this is why photos can help), and still feel Kaz inside. Maybe my age, maybe going out helped, but Kaz is more a part of me now than ever before... but I am quite clear about how I feel on the want and need.

I WANT to know and understand Kaz and her part in my life.

I NEED air to breathe, food to eat, water and minerals, and shelter from the elements.

If I have these, I will feel a NEED for psychological fulfilment - and this is where Kaz sits.

Do I have greater psychological NEEDS than Kaz? Am I willing to put all my other psychological needs aside for the sake of Kaz? There are some here for whom that question would be YES. For me it is not so simple, and I do not think I am prepared to sacrifice some other NEEDS for this.

So fo me it is a NEED I can rationalise over and put to one side, knowing it will always be there and if I nurture the feelings, feed the inner NEED, I will return when ready.

Is this a NEED or a WANT? I would hate to lose Kaz having discovered her, and with so much yet to discover... Would I sacrifice to a higher cause/calling?

I would put her on hold... she is strong enough... she'll handle it.

Kaz xx:hugs:

[KateC]

Hey all, thanks for all the really deep answers. I don't know if it helps on what I'm trying to figure out.

Basically I just want to know maybe I just want to do alot of this but the innate part of CDing is small part which can't be change. But the rest is influenced by society culture or whatever and possibly can be toned down so I can come to some agreement with my S/O. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Like why is this CDing any different than like wanting to not go to work and play golf all day right? You can't do that you have to balance and go to work and play golf on weekends etc.

[Kaz]

Hey all, thanks for all the really deep answers. I don't know if it helps on what I'm trying to figure out.

Basically I just want to know maybe I just want to do alot of this but the innate part of CDing is small part which can't be change. But the rest is influenced by society culture or whatever and possibly can be toned down so I can come to some agreement with my S/O. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Like why is this CDing any different than like wanting to not go to work and play golf all day right? You can't do that you have to balance and go to work and play golf on weekends etc.

I can see your line of argument, but I am not so sure that she will see CDing as being as "society normal" as say golf? Yeah it's good you have a hobby, but how does that sit with her friends and conversations she might want to have about her SO?

I need to re-read you threads, it looks like I may not have understood the big picture.

[KateC]

I just meant that I think a bulk of MY crossdressing is related to influences like media or our society. Yes I know I do like feminine stuff to some degree but this is enhanced by my environment and I *think* or I'm asking everyone if maybe that enhanced CDing can be toned down since it was built up rather than innate...

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I'm thinking maybe because of circumstances of my relationship, being lonely, just wanted to experiment and opportunity lead me to go move up a notch on my CDing.

Did I go overboard really? Or did I just discover something I like? Regardless of what the answer is, is this a *NEED* that can't be removed or it's just a *WANT* which can be suppressed?

There is an evolution to being a cd. Unfortunately, the way society treats us, the evolution is really pushed back by several years in many of us. Regardless, we all evolve in our cding. It's normal and natural.

The "need" you speak of is the need EVERYONE has, regardless of being a cd or not. We ALL need to be WHO WE ARE. That is it. Society tells us we're freaks or perverts, but that is BS and we all know it. That is why we FEAR being who we are. The fear is rejection, ridicule, harm, etc. But everyone, EVERYONE needs to be themselves. This should not be questioned.


I know for some of you who are out and about and accepting S/O, it's normal to you. But for me it's different, so I'm wondering if anyone can help me out or share their stores who are similar to me.

I haven't seen all of your posts. What is different for you? Is it because you don't have an accepting SO? If that is the case, relax. You will in time... if you choose to, that is. You'll accomplish ANYTHING you set out to. You're so young. You can do anything you want. Gabi doesn't lie. :) If you truly want an accepting SO, you shall indeed end up with one... even if she is not your current girl. There are girls out there who would LOVE to date a cd. Trust me! I found one. You think my wife is unique in that respect? There are many others out there. Yes, I know - not exactly easy to find, but that's not the point.

So tell us: what DO you want?

Why are you confused?

Do you fear being who you are?

Do you think of ME as some kind of freak? Do I come off as crazy to you? You think I dress funny? You think I look funny? You think I'm a perv? You think I should be locked up? You think I don't deserve to be happy?

I'm guessing (hoping) you just say NO to all of that. If "no" was your answer, then why are you any different?

I know there is uncertainty in you, Kate, but you're just young and discovering who you are. Please try not to fear it. You're a very normal person - try to realize that. I wouldn't waste my time on some freak or pervert.

Now lighten up and give Gabrielle a smile, k? :)



Oops - there's more:


I just meant that I think a bulk of MY crossdressing is related to influences like media or our society. Yes I know I do like feminine stuff to some degree but this is enhanced by my environment and I *think* or I'm asking everyone if maybe that enhanced CDing can be toned down since it was built up rather than innate...

Will you just slow down and enjoy yourself a little? lol

I'm sorry - but you're really over thinking this. Seriously. I'm not putting you down for that, just pointing it out.

For the love of God, just ENJOY yourself! Why tone down anything? You live once, Kate. You'd better have some fun and learn to love yourself. It took me damn near FOUR decades to learn how to love myself. I truly hope you do not waste as much of your life figuring that out as I did.

Relax. Stop over thinking. Start having some fun. Be yourself. And if you want to cd, then CD! If you want to stop, then stop. The point is: DO WHAT YOU WANT and have fun with it! And yes, I know cding is a need, I'm just saying live a little and have fun. :)

[KateC]

There is an evolution to being a cd. Unfortunately, the way society treats us, the evolution is really pushed back by several years in many of us. Regardless, we all evolve in our cding. It's normal and natural.


That could be true, depending who you are, it's not the same for everyone...



The "need" you speak of is the need EVERYONE has, regardless of being a cd or not. We ALL need to be WHO WE ARE. That is it. Society tells us we're freaks or perverts, but that is BS and we all know it. That is why we FEAR being who we are. The fear is rejection, ridicule, harm, etc. But everyone, EVERYONE needs to be themselves. This should not be questioned.


You may have a point in that but I mean we conduct ourselves ( well at least I do) in a certain manner depending on what company we are around. It's different for business, work, school, family or friends. I just don't start swearing to my boss even if I swear alot at home in front of the TV or computer. So in effect I'm never "myself" then.



I haven't seen all of your posts. What is different for you? Is it because you don't have an accepting SO? If that is the case, relax. You will in time... if you choose to, that is. You'll accomplish ANYTHING you set out to. You're so young. You can do anything you want. Gabi doesn't lie. :) If you truly want an accepting SO, you shall indeed end up with one... even if she is not your current girl. There are girls out there who would LOVE to date a cd. Trust me! I found one. You think my wife is unique in that respect? There are many others out there. Yes, I know - not exactly easy to find, but that's not the point.


I know there's many people out there, but if it was that simple then I wouldn't be posting about this. I want my SO and I to figure something out, a compromise. Like I said, can I just do anything I want at work? Or not even go to work and expect salary? This is what I think sometimes my CDing or other people who CD tend to step up to. They let it get out of control, sure it's fun but really have to do it so much? At what cost too?



So tell us: what DO you want?

Why are you confused?

Do you fear being who you are?

Do you think of ME as some kind of freak? Do I come off as crazy to you? You think I dress funny? You think I look funny? You think I'm a perv? You think I should be locked up? You think I don't deserve to be happy?

I'm guessing (hoping) you just say NO to all of that. If "no" was your answer, then why are you any different?


I want to know how to control this CDing like any other obsessions or things I have in my life. I'm pretty positive that not all what encompasses my CDing is innate and unchangable and alot of it is influenced by everything around me. If you're telling me that's not true, then explain why isn't it and why is CDing so different than anything else that we can keep in control to a reasonable level? I'm not talking severe gender dysphoria or full TS people...

I'm confused as to what I really *NEED* aka transsexuall issues if I have them or what I just fancy like dressing up.

I'm not afraid of who I am, I already accepted that I'm different but I won't believe that NOTHING is changable.

No to all your other questions.



I know there is uncertainty in you, Kate, but you're just young and discovering who you are. Please try not to fear it. You're a very normal person - try to realize that. I wouldn't waste my time on some freak or pervert.

Now lighten up and give Gabrielle a smile, k? :)


I know I'm who I am, it may not be normal perse in respect to majority of society but I'm normal in my own respects.



Oops - there's more:



Will you just slow down and enjoy yourself a little? lol

I'm sorry - but you're really over thinking this. Seriously. I'm not putting you down for that, just pointing it out.

For the love of God, just ENJOY yourself! Why tone down anything? You live once, Kate. You'd better have some fun and learn to love yourself. It took me damn near FOUR decades to learn how to love myself. I truly hope you do not waste as much of your life figuring that out as I did.

Relax. Stop over thinking. Start having some fun. Be yourself. And if you want to cd, then CD! If you want to stop, then stop. The point is: DO WHAT YOU WANT and have fun with it! And yes, I know cding is a need, I'm just saying live a little and have fun. :)

Toning things down because it hurts other people, I think it's entirely selfish to just keep doing what I want without considering others. Sure I have to care about myself but there's a midway point maybe or compromise. You don't agree about that? I don't know maybe I'm just different.

[Angie G]

If you want it or need it why suppress it if you enjoy it Kate.:hugs:
Angie

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

Toning things down because it hurts other people, I think it's entirely selfish to just keep doing what I want without considering others. Sure I have to care about myself but there's a midway point maybe or compromise. You don't agree about that? I don't know maybe I'm just different.

Ok. That's where you're at. I got ya.

To each, her own.

I love what I've got - this gift God gave me. I'm going to celebrate it! :)

Perhaps in time you will too, Kate.

This is your life to discover and enjoy. Do so however you see fit.

I wish you luck in your struggles. :)

[DonnaT]

Of course you can tone things down. Especially if your wife needs time to catch up to your needs/wants.

I was able to tone things down for many many years, but at one point the need got to heavy to hold back and it became time to give my wife a gentle push. It almost resulted in divorce a couple of years later, but we worked it out.

Continued communication is key.

[Karen564]

Toning things down because it hurts other people, I think it's entirely selfish to just keep doing what I want without considering others. Sure I have to care about myself but there's a midway point maybe or compromise. You don't agree about that? I don't know maybe I'm just different.

I agree with you Kate, it would be totally selfish of you in my view if you didn't have any consideration for others, such as your SO..
One must take others into account if they desire them to stay in their lives.

Life will go on whether you dress or not dress, the world wont stop if you tone it down a bit.. it wont even slow down, it just goes round & round..

So maybe it's just time to stop for a while & re-evaluate where your at & where you want to be..and then go from there..

:hugs:

[Deedee Dupree]

Kate, I agree with DonnaT.... I suspect you may be one who can live with a reasonable compromise/boundries without serious detriment to yourself & loved ones. Figure out a compromise that will work for you, say at least a minimum acceptable arrangement for you, and when the time is right see if you can come to an agreement with your SO. Could be more than you counted on.

For some boundries over the long term can become cages, I don't think that is remotely relevant for you at this point. Time will tell... and be aware the boundries can be very flexible one way or the other depending on how your relationship with your SO evolves.

In my case i sometimes miss the structure my late wife & I agreed on when she was alive. We had the concept of mutual private space. It's a bit more than the boundries described here so often. It can only exit in a relationship that is ironclad...unbreakable, based on total mutal trust... She didn't have to worry (and didn't) when I went out & about doing my thing because our relationship
trumped everything else.

You will solve the problem... dd

[Amelia Moxon]

I have a deep down desire to wear womens clothing, but no real wants. I wanted to go out dressed, and do go the full works (make up, wig etc) to try it. But after I did it a few times I decided I didn't need to do it, it didn't give me anything extra. Sure I got a bit of a buzz initially but that wore off quite quickly once I got comfortable.
Fast foreward 2 years, I have no wig no makeup etc etc, only a load of shoes, plus a couple of pairs of tights, some girly socks and a few pairs of kickers, as thats all I need and have no desire to take it further than that.

Amelia xxx

[Tina B.]

Kate, if you want to figure it all out, why not try an experiment, pull way back on what you are doing, and see how you feel about it. If you are happy then you have gone far enough, if it leaves you unfulfilled then figure out from there just how much more you need (not want) at that point you will have to see if you and your SO can find mutually acceptable grounds to continue on. But you know you have talked about many other things that you two have problems with, so this will not be a cure all, just a starting point.
You need to respect her needs and feelings, but then she needs to respect yours, with out that nothing else really matters. I hope you two can work it out, no one should spend there life unhappy about there place in there own home.
Good Luck!
Tina

[Carly D.]

For me:::: I just wore my heels with my jeans about a month ago out in public.. I was reading another site about "heeling in public" and that people really don't notice... but I notice women wearing heels.. there is no other sound that sounds that cool in the world.. and addictive.. so as far as wearing in public (cross dressing) I am at the point where I as well want to try this step.. I've come up with a scenerio where I could go get some gas at a credit card pay pump station thing.. basically I would dress up and go get gas.. simple right?? well so many criteria have to be met for me to try this that drilling for oil here in America is easier.. throw caution to the wind?? I could do that but the wind is blowing so hard here today it might crash back into my face..

[KateC]

Kate, I agree with DonnaT.... I suspect you may be one who can live with a reasonable compromise/boundries without serious detriment to yourself & loved ones. Figure out a compromise that will work for you, say at least a minimum acceptable arrangement for you, and when the time is right see if you can come to an agreement with your SO. Could be more than you counted on.

For some boundries over the long term can become cages, I don't think that is remotely relevant for you at this point. Time will tell... and be aware the boundries can be very flexible one way or the other depending on how your relationship with your SO evolves.

In my case i sometimes miss the structure my late wife & I agreed on when she was alive. We had the concept of mutual private space. It's a bit more than the boundries described here so often. It can only exit in a relationship that is ironclad...unbreakable, based on total mutal trust... She didn't have to worry (and didn't) when I went out & about doing my thing because our relationship
trumped everything else.

You will solve the problem... dd


I think I relate to this answer. Some here don't think they should change or compromise anything of who they are, regardless how others feel. They expect the other person to accept them on who they are.

I know that my relationship can't do that and even if that's what I want, I don't think that'll be good for the other person.

I guess what I'm wondering or figuring out my problem is that: how much should I let go of myself and to what extent is it going to be me just not able to do things I like? The responses here say basically, try things less and see how I feel if I want to do them or not or I'm ok. Well I'm not crazy, like of course I CAN tone it down, the sacrafice is basically being with my S/O and also whatever my negative feelings are for doing my CD less.

Say I do this, but deep down I still want to do all of that, but I don't do it because of the reasons I stated... is this right to do or fair to myself or what?

Live for myself or live for others, where's the middle ground?

[docrobbysherry]

I think I relate to this answer. Some here don't think they should change or compromise anything of who they are, regardless how others feel. They expect the other person to accept them on who they are.

I know that my relationship can't do that and even if that's what I want, I don't think that'll be good for the other person.

I guess what I'm wondering or figuring out my problem is that: how much should I let go of myself and to what extent is it going to be me just not able to do things I like? The responses here say basically, try things less and see how I feel if I want to do them or not or I'm ok. Well I'm not crazy, like of course I CAN tone it down, the sacrafice is basically being with my S/O and also whatever my negative feelings are for doing my CD less.

Say I do this, but deep down I still want to do all of that, but I don't do it because of the reasons I stated... is this right to do or fair to myself or what?

Live for myself or live for others, where's the middle ground?

U said, " I'm different", well Kate, we're ALL different! Different from u, and each other, in SO MANY WAYS! :eek:
We seem to ALL have one thing in common tho; we dress up like women!

For some of us, it's a "need", for others, a "want".
For MANY of us, it's somewhere between the two!:doh:

Rite now, I WANT to go out dressed. But, don't feel the NEED to. But, that could CHANGE FOR ME TOMORROW!:brolleyes:
I reserve the OPTION to change my CDing in the future!

The same MAY be true for u. Allow yourself a few options, and u may be surprised the directions your CDing will go, in the years to come!:)

[Nattastic]

Seems you are asking yourself questions that are impossible to answer Katie.

Why shouldnt you CD like others play golf?
Asking questions like that will drive you mental, in my experience... and be
careful you don't choose to tone it down if you arent really ready to, you may well start to resent your SO, and/or unwittingly become a grouch.

Face it. Crossdressing does not fit into ones life in a perfect "cookie cutter"
type way. Its going to be hellish at some point. You are one person that wants to be two, complications and problems are going to arise.

I came out to friends a few years ago, it went well, I started dressing more and more, going out more and more, until I didnt want to return to drab ever. I saw specialists, seriously contimplated full-time, but in the end decided that I didnt like all the B.S. that came with such a decision. Out of that frustration I stopped altogether, its been about two years since I have dressed at all. I still would love to, still have tonnes of stuff to do it well with, I just know too well the feeling of wanting more, and needing to draw a line. I never would have guessed it could be this easy to put crossdressing on a shelf and leave it be... well not exactly easy, but manageable - its been a part of me for over 90% of my life afterall. At some point you just have to decide what you want, consequenses and all, and move towards it.... accept that either choice is not going to have a perfectly ideal effect, and find a way to be okay with that.

is Crossdressing a need or want? Well I cant answer for everybody, but I can tell you that it is possible to lay it down and still be happy, and this is coming from a boarderline TS.

[Deedee Dupree]

Kate, I just "lost" my reply to your latest... I have no time to rewrite it now.

Quick qualification" The toning it down I am talking about is not about being less than you are. I think eveyone here who has responed wants you to succeed, to be all you can be, to continue to discover yourself, find joy and peace of mind.

Rather get "it" out of your SO's "face" for a time to allow you to continue your research & decide on a reasonable way to proceed with your SO. And the compromise/boundries as i mean them must be a two way street, she will have to give you something. Later, dd

[Karen564]

I guess what I'm wondering or figuring out my problem is that: how much should I let go of myself and to what extent is it going to be me just not able to do things I like? The responses here say basically, try things less and see how I feel if I want to do them or not or I'm ok. Well I'm not crazy, like of course I CAN tone it down, the sacrafice is basically being with my S/O and also whatever my negative feelings are for doing my CD less.

Say I do this, but deep down I still want to do all of that, but I don't do it because of the reasons I stated... is this right to do or fair to myself or what?

Live for myself or live for others, where's the middle ground?



I guess what I'm wondering or figuring out my problem is that: how much should I let go of myself and to what extent is it going to be me just not able to do things I like?
Only you can answer that question, so you need to do some deep soul searching & give this great thought and above all, be honest with yourself, before your current relationship goes to the next level..

Say I do this, but deep down I still want to do all of that, but I don't do it because of the reasons I stated... is this right to do or fair to myself or what?
If that's the way you really feel, I can tell you right now that you will be a very unhappy person, and it will get even worse as time passes, because you will feel trapped..and it will become a major issue at a later time, because there is no escaping it...and it wont go away..

Live for myself or live for others, where's the middle ground
To be truly happy, you must live for yourself 1st before you can live for others, not vise-versa..
The only middle ground that you can be truly be happy in, is finding an SO that will accept You for You & everything you are, including your needs without any judgement or remorse..
If only one is happy, and the other one is not, then eventually both will end up being unhappy in the end..

[KateC]

Only you can answer that question, so you need to do some deep soul searching & give this great thought and above all, be honest with yourself, before your current relationship goes to the next level..

If that's the way you really feel, I can tell you right now that you will be a very unhappy person, and it will get even worse as time passes, because you will feel trapped..and it will become a major issue at a later time, because there is no escaping it...and it wont go away..

To be truly happy, you must live for yourself 1st before you can live for others, not vise-versa..
The only middle ground that you can be truly be happy in, is finding an SO that will accept You for You & everything you are, including your needs without any judgement or remorse..
If only one is happy, and the other one is not, then eventually both will end up being unhappy in the end..

But what does it mean to live for yourself? Blatant disregard for anyone else's feelings or opinions? I understand that the best way is to find someone who is compatible, my S/O and I both agree that is obviously the ideal solution but of course we've been together and enjoy our stuff despite our incompatibilities. That's why, has anyone really made something like in my situation where 2 people are different in many ways but still enjoy each other and make it work at least to the extent of being mostly happy? I don't ask for perfection, this is Earth, it isn't fantasy land. And sorry if I offend anyone here by saying this but, I think some of people here live in the "pink dreamland" and give no heed to other people's feelings. As being a person in the TG community, I understand our uniqueness but honestly, is it that much different than anything else other people have or do? Do activists who promote violent protest make it legal because it's "their way of living" or "their opinion" ? That's why sometimes I think I'm overboard, sure it's me but like I said in my previous replies, I don't go slapping people at work because that's just not you're suppose to conduct yourself, even if you love slapping people in your personal time and your friends and family love you doing it.


Seems you are asking yourself questions that are impossible to answer Katie.

Why shouldnt you CD like others play golf?
Asking questions like that will drive you mental, in my experience... and be
careful you don't choose to tone it down if you arent really ready to, you may well start to resent your SO, and/or unwittingly become a grouch.

Face it. Crossdressing does not fit into ones life in a perfect "cookie cutter"
type way. Its going to be hellish at some point. You are one person that wants to be two, complications and problems are going to arise.

I came out to friends a few years ago, it went well, I started dressing more and more, going out more and more, until I didnt want to return to drab ever. I saw specialists, seriously contimplated full-time, but in the end decided that I didnt like all the B.S. that came with such a decision. Out of that frustration I stopped altogether, its been about two years since I have dressed at all. I still would love to, still have tonnes of stuff to do it well with, I just know too well the feeling of wanting more, and needing to draw a line. I never would have guessed it could be this easy to put crossdressing on a shelf and leave it be... well not exactly easy, but manageable - its been a part of me for over 90% of my life afterall. At some point you just have to decide what you want, consequenses and all, and move towards it.... accept that either choice is not going to have a perfectly ideal effect, and find a way to be okay with that.

is Crossdressing a need or want? Well I cant answer for everybody, but I can tell you that it is possible to lay it down and still be happy, and this is coming from a boarderline TS.

In my view, I think CD is same as anything else that mainstream folks enjoy. That's *MY* view, not my S/O.

Cookie cutter, that's the thing, she's the type that just wants a simple, relatively normal life like whatever others have in mainstream. So anything LGBT, hippie, goth, EMO, satanic or whatever *weird* stuff, she doesn't want that or to deal with it. She already knows, other than my CD, I'm weird myself in general. Like I guess I don't follow the goddamn mainstream things a guy suppose to do. I don't want to, I don't like alot of it and maybe many do or many don't but do it anyways. I don't want that. Anyways, that's another story to be told at a later time. Bottom line, she wants a *normal* life.

Your story is interesting and is something I can relate to and possibly me actual doing something similar. I have those feelings of wanting to go out, dress up and maybe not be full time but doing alot of things en-femme with people who accept that.

What BS are you talking about? And how and why did you stop or at least reduced CDing to what you are now?


Kate, I just "lost" my reply to your latest... I have no time to rewrite it now.

Quick qualification" The toning it down I am talking about is not about being less than you are. I think eveyone here who has responed wants you to succeed, to be all you can be, to continue to discover yourself, find joy and peace of mind.

Rather get "it" out of your SO's "face" for a time to allow you to continue your research & decide on a reasonable way to proceed with your SO. And the compromise/boundries as i mean them must be a two way street, she will have to give you something. Later, dd

I don't understand your first paragraph.

What do you mean get it out of my SO? I don't think she's willing to give much, only accept what she accepts. In her view that's her compromise because already accepting anything is a compromise. I can understand that, but for my view it's compromising alot for me. But again these are point of views.

[Karen564]

But what does it mean to live for yourself? Blatant disregard for anyone else's feelings or opinions? .

No, Not at all, Far from that..
What that means is be true to yourself, therefor living for yourself...

In other words, if you cant be honest with yourself, you will be living a lie for the sake of another, and be unhappy doing so, you will also become more miserable. Wouldn't it be better for your SO's sake to cut her free now, before this issue arises again months or years from now?? before there are any regrets??...

If you can't be true to yourself, you have no chance of finding true happiness within yourself,
so how do you think your going to feel being with a person that only wants a part of you, and not the whole person you really are??..
Are you SURE you can live wth that???, and just want to see what happens and hope for the best??...Is that what you consider looking out for the others best interest??

Hopefully she'll never have her heart broken years from now after your feelings to be the real you come up again...

My suggestion is for you to see a gender therapists and get this sorted out now before someone gets hurt later.. It doesn't mean you'll turn into a woman if you go there, it'll just help you sort out the issues your asking about here.... That's all..

Good Luck..:)

[Deedee Dupree]

Kate, All I meant by saying "getting it out of your SO's face/toning it down" is, if you are currently having conversations with your SO that are not going well, are extremely emotional or confusing, to simply stop temporarily & let things cool down. Continue your conversations at a more favorable time.

"I don't think she's willing to give much, only accept what she accepts.
In her view that's her compromise because already accepting anything is a compromise."

I may have made a careless assumption about your SO, that is,... she may be able
in time to accept more than she does now. I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt as I have not heard her side of the story. OTOH, if you are certain that she is not willing to budge... will only "accept what she accepts", and does not have the capability to be more accepting in the future, I don't think a relationship like that would be worth continuing. Could end up like so many "marriages of convenience", with both parties unhappy and miserable wishing their lives were better but not having the courage to get out of it and start over.

IMO, the compromise, what I believe your SO must give you is, allow you some time/private space (since she doesn't want to be involved in your CDing activities) for you to be "true to yourself" (as Karen explained above)

This brings me to a question.
With respect to your CDing, does your SO have a blatant disrespect for YOUR feelings or opinions?

I am not trying to provoke or offend you by asking that.

And yes, from what I have read on this forum over the last year, and from couples I know who are not members of this forum, there are many folks who are in "mostly happy" or better long term relationships/marriages that include compromise. That's life.

I was fortunate to be in one of them 29 years. dd

[KateC]

No, Not at all, Far from that..
What that means is be true to yourself, therefor living for yourself...

In other words, if you cant be honest with yourself, you will be living a lie for the sake of another, and be unhappy doing so, you will also become more miserable. Wouldn't it be better for your SO's sake to cut her free now, before this issue arises again months or years from now?? before there are any regrets??...

If you can't be true to yourself, you have no chance of finding true happiness within yourself,
so how do you think your going to feel being with a person that only wants a part of you, and not the whole person you really are??..
Are you SURE you can live wth that???, and just want to see what happens and hope for the best??...Is that what you consider looking out for the others best interest??

Hopefully she'll never have her heart broken years from now after your feelings to be the real you come up again...

My suggestion is for you to see a gender therapists and get this sorted out now before someone gets hurt later.. It doesn't mean you'll turn into a woman if you go there, it'll just help you sort out the issues your asking about here.... That's all..

Good Luck..:)

I agree with what you said and understand it. Have to be truthful to one's self to be happy. But I guess the opposite point is that basically seen from my S/O's side and also I can see it as well, is *WHY* is this thing, this CD or could by anything really, *SUCH A BIG DEAL* that it overwhelms the whole relationship to be broken up. Like one can say the same for anything like if you love going to strip clubs or playing tennis.

Where does it stop becoming something you need to do and becoming an obsession or something else? Where or what is the limit for things like this? Yeah I want to be happy doing my things but why are stuff like this so big it has to shadow everything, like everything is about this and nothing matters anymore.


Kate, All I meant by saying "getting it out of your SO's face/toning it down" is, if you are currently having conversations with your SO that are not going well, are extremely emotional or confusing, to simply stop temporarily & let things cool down. Continue your conversations at a more favorable time.

"I don't think she's willing to give much, only accept what she accepts.
In her view that's her compromise because already accepting anything is a compromise."

I may have made a careless assumption about your SO, that is,... she may be able
in time to accept more than she does now. I've been giving her the benefit of the doubt as I have not heard her side of the story. OTOH, if you are certain that she is not willing to budge... will only "accept what she accepts", and does not have the capability to be more accepting in the future, I don't think a relationship like that would be worth continuing. Could end up like so many "marriages of convenience", with both parties unhappy and miserable wishing their lives were better but not having the courage to get out of it and start over.

IMO, the compromise, what I believe your SO must give you is, allow you some time/private space (since she doesn't want to be involved in your CDing activities) for you to be "true to yourself" (as Karen explained above)

This brings me to a question.
With respect to your CDing, does your SO have a blatant disrespect for YOUR feelings or opinions?

I am not trying to provoke or offend you by asking that.

And yes, from what I have read on this forum over the last year, and from couples I know who are not members of this forum, there are many folks who are in "mostly happy" or better long term relationships/marriages that include compromise. That's life.

I was fortunate to be in one of them 29 years. dd

Well she doesn't like the CD all together and thinks or even I somehow think it maybe related to me just not being that happy about myself or with her intimately. Either way, she said she would allow time for it but she again questions why do I need it, or why do I have to do it... and again not accepting the whole setup with wig/make up etc. So I don't know...

I don't think she has any disrespect for it because she tells me she DOES understand it and acknowledges it but regardless of that, she still will not accept it. She would not be with me then if we couldn't come to a compromise, it's not like she's saying "I want to be with you and I don't like CD so stop it now, that's it"

She's giving me us an option, if we can't compromise just split up, if I *REALLY* need to do all of what I do, to that extent, going out, fully dressed whatever, then do it, she's not stopping me if it's *THAT* important that only CDing is something that makes or breaks us.

That's why I'm questioning myself, how much is this being selfish or addiction or just some fetish right? I'm sure a chunk of my CDing was/is influenced by media/western society. If I lived in the middle east where women mostly have to wear stuff covered head to toe, I think I'll have second thoughts about CDing. But regardless of what I say here, majority here seems like everything CDing here is innate and nothing influenced and it HAS to be done like there's no tomorrow. Hell maybe I'm influenced by these forums so I think that too, who knows right?

[Nattastic]

Kate. Not Katie > my apologies

I was in a similar relationship. She was very mainstream, made it difficult to say the least, I know where youre coming from, and empathize.

B.S. - oh boy, theres lots of it! Doctors/pshchologists not understanding at all - one actually asked if I was attracted to children - I couldnt beleive that was a question he thought was relavent to crossdressing! People talking behind your back, being careful to hide stuff, being expected to lie by SO, My job and its lack of room for CDing (a big one - I have to make a living afterall) That also brings about thoughts of a career change to facilitate my desires, I also found it difficult to find an accepting GG with a long term relationship in mind... lots of short term interest... My family has always known, but no words have ever really been spoken about my CDing - I work with my family (thats a killer) and showing up with traces of eye make-up was noticed and as such I was sort of alienated... I've read TONNES of postings on all sorts of websites over the years and am well versed in the difficulties faced, depression, joblessness, becoming a nut case, vanity.... It all just outweighed the joy presenting as female brought me > and it brought plenty of joy, to this day I can't think of any other experience that has made me feel so good. Thing is, theres all this other crap that comes with it! My uncle actually said he'd kill me if I "went gay" ...thanks for the support, nice to know you're there for me and realize how difficult this must be for me.. so ignorant. My father told me he doesnt know, and doesnt want to know. I guess I understand, but wow, I've learned to be a better person myself after contimplating these experiences.

Sure, I could stick to my feelings & continue on be whomever I choose to be. I'm not afraid of what someone will do to me, I just found it to be not worth all the stress it would put on my family, as well as myself. My goal in life is to be happy. I don't have to dress to achieve that as it turns out. I would still love to do it mind you > I guess its somewhat like a drug, as nothing else makes me feel the way I feel whilst all done up, but life in drab is only as drab as you allow it to be.

Including the forementioned points, I've laid CDing down for several reasons. its impractical, too misunderstood, I sort of like the idea of being able to cut it out completely as well... its been empowering, and taught me even more about myself. I like that people close to me know I crossdress while I am not actually doing it... I think Ive gained some peoples respect and been able to educate them without saying anything about the topic as to how normal a crossdresser can really be - My best friend for example is the biggest homophobe in Canada I swear... and he has been really good about the issue. A nice thing about taking all this time off, is that those around me know I have stopped (by not plucking my eyebrows etc) and maybe when (notice I didnt say if) I start crossdressing again maybe they will have a different mindset as opposed to - "Oh, he just went crazy one day - turned wacko, and best keep your distance...sorta thing.

Yes, lots of B.S. but I dont regret the way Ive dealt with things. I don't regret coming out to over 20 friends, losing SO's, or the sense of loss Ive inflicted upon myself. I've learned much and in the end whatever I decide to do, I'll know I did it with an open heart, cared very much for anyone elses feelings before my own, and was doing the best job I could do with what I was given. I'm proud of me, I think if anyone "deserves" to crossdress it's me > not that any/everbody else doesnt deserve to, heck I wish 80% of the population would, in the end its not about deserving and undeserving, its about living with yourself, finding your own happiness & being respectful of the other folks that we share this place with... my own road to said destination has just seemingly required some bushwhacking, I think I see a road ahead.

make sense?

[KateC]

Kate. Not Katie > my apologies

I was in a similar relationship. She was very mainstream, made it difficult to say the least, I know where youre coming from, and empathize.

B.S. - oh boy, theres lots of it! Doctors/pshchologists not understanding at all - one actually asked if I was attracted to children - I couldnt beleive that was a question he thought was relavent to crossdressing! People talking behind your back, being careful to hide stuff, being expected to lie by SO, My job and its lack of room for CDing (a big one - I have to make a living afterall) That also brings about thoughts of a career change to facilitate my desires, I also found it difficult to find an accepting GG with a long term relationship in mind... lots of short term interest... My family has always known, but no words have ever really been spoken about my CDing - I work with my family (thats a killer) and showing up with traces of eye make-up was noticed and as such I was sort of alienated... I've read TONNES of postings on all sorts of websites over the years and am well versed in the difficulties faced, depression, joblessness, becoming a nut case, vanity.... It all just outweighed the joy presenting as female brought me > and it brought plenty of joy, to this day I can't think of any other experience that has made me feel so good. Thing is, theres all this other crap that comes with it! My uncle actually said he'd kill me if I "went gay" ...thanks for the support, nice to know you're there for me and realize how difficult this must be for me.. so ignorant. My father told me he doesnt know, and doesnt want to know. I guess I understand, but wow, I've learned to be a better person myself after contimplating these experiences.

Sure, I could stick to my feelings & continue on be whomever I choose to be. I'm not afraid of what someone will do to me, I just found it to be not worth all the stress it would put on my family, as well as myself. My goal in life is to be happy. I don't have to dress to achieve that as it turns out. I would still love to do it mind you > I guess its somewhat like a drug, as nothing else makes me feel the way I feel whilst all done up, but life in drab is only as drab as you allow it to be.

Including the forementioned points, I've laid CDing down for several reasons. its impractical, too misunderstood, I sort of like the idea of being able to cut it out completely as well... its been empowering, and taught me even more about myself. I like that people close to me know I crossdress while I am not actually doing it... I think Ive gained some peoples respect and been able to educate them without saying anything about the topic as to how normal a crossdresser can really be - My best friend for example is the biggest homophobe in Canada I swear... and he has been really good about the issue. A nice thing about taking all this time off, is that those around me know I have stopped (by not plucking my eyebrows etc) and maybe when (notice I didnt say if) I start crossdressing again maybe they will have a different mindset as opposed to - "Oh, he just went crazy one day - turned wacko, and best keep your distance...sorta thing.

Yes, lots of B.S. but I dont regret the way Ive dealt with things. I don't regret coming out to over 20 friends, losing SO's, or the sense of loss Ive inflicted upon myself. I've learned much and in the end whatever I decide to do, I'll know I did it with an open heart, cared very much for anyone elses feelings before my own, and was doing the best job I could do with what I was given. I'm proud of me, I think if anyone "deserves" to crossdress it's me > not that any/everbody else doesnt deserve to, heck I wish 80% of the population would, in the end its not about deserving and undeserving, its about living with yourself, finding your own happiness & being respectful of the other folks that we share this place with... my own road to said destination has just seemingly required some bushwhacking, I think I see a road ahead.

make sense?

I think honestly out of most people here, I relate to you the most. I think you understand where I'm coming from and I understand what you've been through or at least some of it. I agree somewhat it is sort of a drug, maybe I just need the rest of my life to be happy and then crossdressing would be icing on the cake. If I can do a bit here and there, underdress or just certain stuff, maybe that's enough if I'm happy on the rest of my things in life.

Like I said, there's alot of grief going on with my relationship and other things so maybe the pushed me into deep CDing more than ever. Sure I discovered I enjoy it and maybe that's unrelated and I still enjoy and I think I will forever, but maybe it's trying to fill a void of something I'm missing. I think I will heed your advice and follow something similar, it's not worth the trouble or "BS" as you call it if just dressing up can inflict so much. I can tone it down and hopefully tone up rest of my life so I will be happy. I agree CD is not the center of my life as it never was, but I just brought it to the center, for whatever reason... I just wish more people are like you or like me that can see there can be compromise and not everything has to be just 1 thing CDing.

Thank you for this post, I feel better already. :heehee:

[Karen564]

But I guess the opposite point is that basically seen from my S/O's side and also I can see it as well, is *WHY* is this thing, this CD or could by anything really, *SUCH A BIG DEAL* that it overwhelms the whole relationship to be broken up. Like one can say the same for anything like if you love going to strip clubs or playing tennis.

Where does it stop becoming something you need to do and becoming an obsession or something else? Where or what is the limit for things like this? Yeah I want to be happy doing my things but why are stuff like this so big it has to shadow everything, like everything is about this and nothing matters anymore.

I cant answer the WHY part for you, that's for you to explain to her..But she has to realize it really can be a BIG DEAL for you or could be.. And that can be very hard for her to grasp because she doesn't have these issues to deal with, so to her, this shouldn't be a problem for you either...

Your just being honest with her right??? And what she wants in return for this honesty is for you to put your CDing back in the closet, close the door, lock it & throw away the key..Right??

It all boils down to is Compatibility & Acceptance on her part to live with all your faults..good and bad.. if she cant accept that, then I say move on...as much as that may hurt you both, it would most likely be for the best in the end before marriage..

If marriage is inedible down the road, it's up to both of you to set the ground rules now and live by them if you really cant stand to let each other go.


I'm not trying to sound cold & callus here Kate, I'm just trying to warn you about some issues that may come up down the road...and save both of you some grief.. If you think it hurts to let someone go now, just wait and see how it hurts years from now...it doesn't make it any easier...

In the end, I really hope both of you can make it all work out.. that would be very nice..:hugs:

[Nattastic]

I think if you count on crossdressing as your main source of joy, you are setting yourself up for much disappointment, frusteration, and ill feelings.
Yes, there is room for crossdressing in our lives, just be mindful of wanting too much, passing up opportunities to go out with friends, or neglecting other interests might indicate your involvement is becoming excessive/obsessive. Trying to find a balance that works for you might be the best course of action. As far as your SO is concerned, keep it light hearted and show her its not that big a deal she may well follow suit and adopt your light hearted/playful attitude towards CDing.

They say the best psychiatrist is the one right inside you. You may well be correct in the void filling assessment you arrived at. Thing is, crossdress sure.. but when it makes sense to. Don't pass on a night out with your girl with a made up excuse to facilitate your crossdressing desires. Control it, or it may well wind up controlling you, when it does, bad things happen.

You are very welcome Kate. I'm happy I was able to help.