Breaking another barrier

[cd_britney_426]

Hi, as I may have mentioned briefly in another thread, this Saturday I am going to Gay Pride in Phoenix dressed in femme for the first time. So far, I have gone out in femme literally dozens of times now but I always left after sunrise and arrived before sunrise keeping myself mostly concealed from the neighbors. While virtually every time I have gone out in femme I have had to pass by some neighbors who were outside, a conversation never took place beyond the occasional "Hi" or wave so I'm not really sure how many if any of them actually know my secret (or lack thereof).

Anyway, to get to the point I am obviously not nervous about the parade or the entertainment afterwards as there will be so many trans people and supporters that it won't be an issue. My concern is with the neighbors. While I certainly shouldn't care what other people think (and don't for the most part), I also appreciate not being bothered by nosy people as well. This is a busy complex I live in with lots of children so it is virtually certain that when I leave there will be at least 20-30 people outside including kids and adults on the way to the car.

Some options people have mentioned to avoid this nervousness or concern is to leave in drab but get dressed either at a friend's house or in the car if need be. However, my plan is to break the ice and not take such recommendation but instead leave my house as normal, hope nobody says anything, and not care what they think if they do.

Either way, I am definitely doing this Saturday. My question to you all is if this is normal to be nervous like this about daytime exposure in femme. Second, how do you all handle the remarks, comments, and questions? Sooner or later it is bound to come up. I consider myself brave (or I wouldn't have ever done this even at night) but I don't like feeling as if I'm on some podium having to explain my actions, life, and choices to busybodies when I'm not even doing anything wrong in the first place. Britney

[NikkiTV_47]

any time you take a big step like this of coruse you are going to be nervous. but if this is something that you turely feel that you need to do then by all means go for it. Good luck and i hope everything goes well.

[Kathi Lake]

Remember, it is a Pride event, so if you're going to go support it, it's time to support it. How much does skulking around show pride, exactly?

Have pride in your choices, have pride in your appearance, and show your neighbors what pride really means.

Kathi

[charlie]

Hello Brittney!
I think we discussed some of this at Amsterdam's, but go out dressed and wear the biggest pair of female sunglasses that you can find before Saturday. You may be made, you may not. But you do look terrific in either case. If you go to your car and do get looked at, I'm sure most will not recognize you. I do this at my complex and have not gotten comments.... yet.

[Teri Jean]

Last fall, Halloween, I dressed the day before and went over to the neighbors house and introduced Keli to them. They were impressed and they have been great to me ever since. Now they may not have seen me dressed since but they know I may walk out of the house in a skirt or nice slacks dressed for the evening and say there she/he goes.
Support comes from within as much as from outside. Have fun.

Huggs Keli

[Laura Evans]

Going out during the day is ususally the second step of going public the first is going out at night and you will probably have the same nervous feeling. With time and experience the nervousness goes away. As for the neighbors I would not concern myself about that. When Britney goes out of the house act like the Britney that you are. I too was nervous going out when my neighbors were outside but they have since seen me many times, I have never gone over to introduce Laura but the neighbors know her and they have remained friendly and still talk to me when I am in drab. I have the support of the people that are important and close to me and that is more important than what my neighbors think or like. Have a great time at the Pride function.

[cd_britney_426]

Thanks for everyone's responses. I agree that I should just "go for it!" It is like someone said at work the other day, "Do your neighbors pay your bills? Are they covering your rent, putting groceries in your fridge, and gasoline in the car?" I said "no" to which the response was, "Then they don't control your life and therefore have no say in it." So far, it does seem like the bulk of one's fear is in one's own mind. I remember the very first time going out where I literally had imaginative visions of every neighbor, every car, everyone all looking and all thinking the same thing. Each time, the nervousness got less until it just doesn't bother me that much anymore. I think one of the differences that is concerning me about day vs. night is that at night despite being seen, a conversation with a neighbor is incredibly unlikely as people just aren't anxious to hold conversations outside at midnight. I often have some brief conversations with neighbors while in drab during the daytime, however.

To get to the point, even if I am passable or even if the neighbors don't care, my other concern is my voice is definitely not femme. I need to work on it more but just have been lazy. I guess I'm just going to have to break the ice and get used to it. Again, as you all here (and others I know outside of here) have said, you have to be confident in yourself. Perhaps part of the problem is I tend to be more of a private person meaning I don't really like to be an open book to everyone. I have friends whom I discuss virtually everything with but I don't need everyone knowing every detail of my life. I am used to seeing how people in general are obsessed with drama as if their reality is no different than the "reality" portrayed on a TV screen where everything is action, mystery, and conflict. I let the cat out of the bag at work to a few people that I "might" be going to Pride in "drag" and now they all have to know more. In a way, this is a positive thing as I'm only getting positive attention but I've seen similar things like this happen before where I turn into some sort of "hero" or something and co-workers (or strangers elsewhere) I never talk to or even look at suddenly want in on the secret. "Tell me more." :heehee: If you do "normal" things, nobody is interested but as soon as you go to either side of the bell curve, you are immediately on the spot.

Last but not least, a fear that many of us have but one that should not take over our lives is the concern over hate crimes. That is why it is so easy to be out at work, out at the clubs, and out to others, but not out at home. This is simply because you are anonymous in the sense that none of these people would know where you live so if they don't like you, they can't do much about it anyway. When you are out where you live, you are forced to deal with whatever occurs in your vicinity as you don't have a choice short of moving. 100 neighbors may accept you but a single anonymous person could be causing you nothing but problems. I simply hope that this doesn't occur but I have known of people who have had problems such as threatening notes and even vandalism and naturally they never know who is doing it or where it is coming from. At least the one thing I don't ever worry about is violence because I own quite a few guns. Regardless, it is a balance I have to strike between being who I truly am (and I may even be a TS at heart) and living life in peace and quiet without being bothered by problematic people. Anyway, sorry for rambling here. I'll post on Sunday or so to tell you all how it went! Thanks. Britney :battingeyelashes:

[Fab Karen]

Unless you are friends with them & they recognize you, you don't have to talk to your neighbors. People come & go, and especially in an apt. building plenty of people the neighbors don't know go by all the time.
Have a good time at Pride, you'll be around lots of understanding people.

[Jilmac]

If any of my adult neighbors would see me en femme and would make comments, I would simply tell them that this is something I enjoy doing and let it go at that. However there are a lot of kids in the area (I live in a condo complex), and a young couple in the unit next to mine with two young boys who are always asking questions. I always use caution coming or going en femme when I see them outside their home because I don't want them to be confused about the guy next door. (They know I live alone)

[MsJanessa]

don't worry about it---as long as youre either single or have an accepting SO then why do you care about what people you hardly know think? Just go have fun and do us all a favor and post a photo here of you and your outfit.

[CharleneT]

. . .

Some options people have mentioned to avoid this nervousness or concern is to leave in drab but get dressed either at a friend's house or in the car if need be. However, my plan is to break the ice and not take such recommendation but instead leave my house as normal, hope nobody says anything, and not care what they think if they do.

Either way, I am definitely doing this Saturday. My question to you all is if this is normal to be nervous like this about daytime exposure in femme. Second, how do you all handle the remarks, comments, and questions? . . .

Well, there is a concern here, but if you are serious about joining the parade (YEA for you) then you should assume that it will likely function as a huge "coming out" for you. Depending on who watches etc. A daytime parade in your home town seems like one of the more effective ways to tell a lot of people about your dressing ;) As for whether you leave your house dressed or not, if you think there is much chance of neighbors watching the parade, then you might as well leave dressed.

Of course you are nervous, everyone would be !! That's natural. Comments, try and just be confident in what you say and believe. People will sense that it helps ( in the same way it helps with "passing" ). You *could* make up a story about just wanting to support the issue, but since is seems you do not mind letting the world know about this side of you, you might as well just explain it that way. I would prepare a little in terms of thinking about what you would want to say.

[cd_britney_426]

Well, here is the update! I had an awesome time. Even though a couple of "friends" I expected to meet up with flaked out on me, I was determined to have a good time and did. Naturally, a few people from the apartment complex saw me leave and return but nobody said anything and I really didn't stop to make a lot of eye contact. One kid walked by and I said a quick "Hi" as he passed but there seemed to be no issues. I also decided to do things the whole nine yards. I made sure I got there early so that I could actually be there at the beginning of the parade procession and watch it from beginning to end. Then I went to the park where the events were afterwards.

So not only was I "out" at Pride but I also was extensively out and about on regular streets in Phoenix where not everyone was involved with the event. As parking is terrible, I had to park about 1/2 mile away from the starting point but I'm a good walker. So I was walking through neighborhood streets and down a main street where I know a lot of people were just regular Joe Citizens and for the most part I really just wasn't nervous nor did I care what they thought. I met up with some friends in the event but was also delighted as to how many people I bumped into who I never expected to see. I bumped into a girl who used to work at my company and she said she didn't recognize me at first but when I told her who I was at work, she thought it was awesome. The only problem I ran into was getting sunburned over quite a bit of my body. Luckily, the burns aren't too severe so I'll live and it shouldn't prevent me from doing anything else while they heal.

Anyway, thanks for all of your advice and support. For anyone else here who has not yet stepped out of the closet, any city or town Pride parade is an awesome way to do it. A lot of people think it is just gays which I was shocked this year to find out that the majority of the people there were not even GLBT at all! Just open-minded straight people including parents, grandparents, families, and even small children going out to support us all! Take care, Britney :)

[Intertwined]

1st, its human nature to fear change, doing something different is change, sounds like you've made a decision, now just do it.

2nd, as for questions, what works for me, will not work for everyone. When asked about it, I answer with the question, " Are you sure you want to know? ", they usually say yes, then if its a situation that I think humor is NOT inapropriate, I ask " Do you want the truth? " they say yes, and of course I say "You can't handle the truth" then start giggling. Then, I just answer there questions as truthfully as I can.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

My question to you all is if this is normal to be nervous like this about daytime exposure in femme. Second, how do you all handle the remarks, comments, and questions? Sooner or later it is bound to come up. I consider myself brave (or I wouldn't have ever done this even at night) but I don't like feeling as if I'm on some podium having to explain my actions, life, and choices to busybodies when I'm not even doing anything wrong in the first place. Britney

Yes, normal to be nervous. I would be, too.

Remarks and comments - if you get any negative ones, try to take them in stride. If they are upsetting, try to just display a friendly demeanor and remain calm. You might be able to open a new mind if your response to them is polite and friendly. Let people know there is nothing wrong with your and that you're a good person.

I consider you brave, too. If not for any other reason, for doing this.

You do NOT need to explain your actions to anyone. Unless of course, you're committing a crime, which is not the case.

If this were me, I'd probably leave my place in guy mode and dress elsewhere to avoid any potential snags with the neighbors. If your femme appearance is different enough form your guy mode appearance, then you may not need to do that. Pass or not, if you don't look like who the neighbors expect to see, then they probably won't know who you are.

I applaud your move - going out like this. I think you'll end up having a good time and your nervous feelings will soon subside as you get more in to it. But it is normal to feel nervous. Try to show some pride of your own out there - be proud of who YOU are, too. :) Put forth a good example of who we are for others. Above all, have some fun out there! :)


EDIT: Whoops! I just noticed this already took place. I'm a bit late with the advice. lol Oh well. Seems like you had a blast and there was no reason to be nervous. I'm so glad you had a good time! :)