I Long for the Life that I've Never Had...

[deja true]

The question and replies in Arianna's thread "So What Do You Consider Yourself, Really?" had my head buzzing all morning ...and then at break time, I saw her!

Standing in line at the little cafe waiting for her coffee (not that silly pretentious latte stuff!)...

Early 40's maybe. Tall, slim, slightly mussed dark red hair (that burgundy color) to her collar. Sunglasses pushed up over here hair like a hairband. Snug, many-times-washed jeans over low heeled thong mules. A white cami that exposed her slim but muscled arms and the wash of freckles over her shoulders. Completely self contained and confident in her long stride and slightly curved smile. She was who I would have been if I wouldn't have been me!

She was all that I would have wanted and all that I would have wanted to be. She was what I've gotten tiny, tiny glimpses of in the mirror occasionally. But she was also the one (the ONE) that I would have spent ages just gazing at if she ever had been around when I was available and courageous enough to have ever spoken to her those many years ago. Gee!

It's a very confusing kind of infatuation, isn't it? And it still leaves me unable to answer Arianna's question!

So! ...Have you ever seen yourself...what you aspire to most of all... the reality of what you've been fantasizing all these years...out there in the real world? And how does that make you feel? Ecstatic? Lonely? Melancholy? What?

:straightface:

*sigh*

[Kate Simmons]

It's funny Deja. It seems that the Princess looking for her handsome Prince (or vice versa) scenerio is not exclusive to women. Sometimes we go to great lengths to "create" the perfect woman for ourselves out of ourselves, yet when we actually meet our standard ideal, we get twitterpated just like all the rest of 'em. What can I say? That's just human nature my friend.:)

[Karren H]

Yeah I also long for the life that could have been..... If I had just put that dress down and gone out with the other boys and practiced hard I could have been in the NHL Hall of Fame by now... But that didn't happen and neither did any other combination of threads I could have taken... Soooo I'm not going to dwell on what could have been but on what I'm going to do next!! Shopping!! But then again that's just me.. :)

Ohhh and I need to practice my slapshot this weekend.. Lol

[Joanne f]

Many many times and it is the only thing on this earth that i have ever been jealous of .:sad:

[tricia_uktv]

No point in longing, go out and do it!

[Sarah...]

So! ...Have you ever seen yourself...what you aspire to most of all... the reality of what you've been fantasizing all these years...out there in the real world? And how does that make you feel? Ecstatic? Lonely? Melancholy? What?

:straightface:

*sigh*

Oh, Deja! There was sooooo much feeling in that post. I could feel it exuding from every word. Do you know? The only time I've seen what you describe is not when I've seen someone else. Perhaps three, maybe four, times in my life I've seen myself walking past a reflective window or a mirror and only fleetingly seen my reflection and I've been overcome with a sudden sensation of seeing myself - not the male persona I've generated but the whole me. How I felt when I saw that and what I felt from reading your post are the same. So, my view is that the aspiration that you describe is right inside you already.

Hugs

Sarah xxx

[Patricia1]

I aspire to be true to me & in so doing, true to everyone else.

[Teri Jean]

Deja,
There have been times where I sit and watch women at work and wonder the same things. Recently I found a gal who is the image of who I would like to have been if I was a gg and she has given me, silently, the confidence in my presentation. Being 6ft plus helps me, 6-4, to look as good as I can. Oddly, she is dating a BF that is 10 inches shorter. Oh Well.

Keli

[Charleen]

I too look at some women and say if only......................

[docrobbysherry]

When I was a young man, every time I saw an attractive women, I would have liked to SLEEP with her! And had fantasies along that line!:heehee:

Now that I CD, things HAVEN'T changed that much for me. Only now, my fantasies r more about LOOKING like ALL those attractive women!:brolleyes:

[Lisa Golightly]

So! ...Have you ever seen yourself...what you aspire to most of all... the reality of what you've been fantasizing all these years...out there in the real world? Yes... In most of my photographs... and with hormones it's becoming less hard work...


And how does that make you feel? Ecstatic? Lonely? Melancholy? What?
Content.

Lisa x

[kay2]

I gather that most GGs long every bit as much to look like the extremely beautiful ones. I suspect that most of the exceptionally beautiful women also think often about what they perceive to be their flaws. So, wear what makes you feel attractive, and enjoy the life you get to have.

[Jolene]

I have been there with you as well. :)

[Taylor Anne]

Deja, you have always brought out such deep thoughts in me! I've spent the last year trying to make sense of my Taylor identity, and each time, I felt overwhelmed to the point of silence. So, for the past year since last Be All, there are feelings inside me that seem too deep for words.

Last year's Be All was my first time in public--so intoxicating--and I've been withdrawn ever since. I haven't been posting or reading or even shopping. It's as if Taylor stopped functioning.

Finally, however, I've made it back to the board--went looking for a Deja-post and found another deep thinking/feeling question. Your insight is wonderful, Deja--I don't know how you do it.

I haven't seen Taylor yet, the other life, but then, I don't think I've been ready, emotionally. So many twists and turns inside me make it difficult to see clearly.

My post probably doesn't make any sense, such is my confusion. Alas, the fusion of my Selves is made complicated by perceiving myself as two people instead of one. I guess I'm still working on the prescription lenses for my identity glasses.

[kellycan27]

It just depends on how bad you want it,feel it,need it. Don't flame me..I know that there are a million different stories and reasons why you can't,SO,wife,kids,job, family... but for those who are in the position to make the jump it can be a wondeful,peaceful,contented existence. Not easy,by any means, but worth every agonizing second..

[Ruth]

Deja said ...the reality... so yes, sometimes when I see a woman of middle years who looks a lot like I do en femme - and that means not a great beauty - I think, ah, if only.
But then I realise we all have complex and difficult lives, and being a woman is not the answer to every problem (ask any woman...).
Maybe we should be satisfied with what we have, and what we strive to be.

[Nicki B]

She was who I would have been if I wouldn't have been me!

Deja, don't you think there are genetic women who feel exactly the same way? Isn't it just a part of being human, or, indeed animal (the grass is always greener)? ;)

But, if you let that longing take you over, you can never satisfy it and be happy?

Work to make the things happen that are possible - but always remember, lots of things are possible that you never believed can be.. :hugs:

[kristinacd55]

I've had that glimpse of myself in the mirror, and saying hmmmm maybe I could go out enfemme! Then reality slaps me in the face & says, hmmmm not yet y'all. Isn't it confidence after all?

[Carole Cross]

I have seen a few GG who I could have been like and I sometimes do catch a glimpse in the mirror sometimes, even without makeup. In those moments I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and makes me dtermined to continue in my transition. :daydreaming:

[Toni_Lynn]

Ah yes -- this what I was getting at with my thread Been Away Been Thinking.

I want so much to meet the girl that is me. I want to see me become her. I have seen other girls who look like who I see myself as. When I do, I feel this intense longing, almost wishing I could project myself into their body and look down at my body and then look at myself in the mirror and say Yes -- hello -- I am so happy to have found you.

I haven't met her yet -- so maybe I haven't yet come grips with myself as a crossdresser. I just want want to dress in a way that is pleasing to me.

This is almost too emotional for me for I feel my heart bursting out of chest and this sense of longing enveloping me

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[TxKimberly]

Wow what an intensely insightful thread. I have had those very moments and they are bitter sweet for me as they tend to fill me with depression for day afterwords. How can thoughts and dreams of the life you never had cause you pain? I dunno, but it does. . .

[Katrina]

Deja, I know what you mean. When I see an attractive female that I feel deep down, looks like what I should look like, that is what triggers a "bad gender day". It starts with jealousy and ends with depression. I know I shouldn't get jealous, but it is an automatic reaction.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe we should be satisfied with what we have, and what we strive to be.

This is such simply, yet helpful advice, Ruth. Especially after reading the sad, and often depressing, posts here!:sad:

As Nicki said, it's human to want what we CAN'T have! Instead of counting our blessings!

We should ALL do the best with what we have, then, just let it go!:)

And yet, after writing this, and KNOWING it to be tru, I have JUST as hard a time doing it as anyone!:brolleyes:

[Toni_Lynn]

This thread bubbled back to the top of the heap and in doing so came back to the front of my brain.

Yes -- I do! But, I have to change the thread from I Long for the Life that I've Never Had...to I Long for the Lives that I've Never Had...

Why, you might ask. Well, you might, but only if you don't know me......

I guess its because there two ways of looking at it, and I will focus on one incident in my life. It is that day back in 1970 when I got my first training bra.

I long to go back to that day .. but that this special event, this special day, have been with the complete co-operation of my mum. And that is where it splits. I long for a life were I had been a (genetic) 13 year old girl who mother had taken her G C Murphy's 5 and 10 for her first bra. I long to feel that special-ness. But then at the same time, I also long for the life where my mum had taken me me as a boy for exactly that same thing, where she loved me enough to understand how important crossdressing was for me even at that young age - as opposed to the hurt she heaped up me.


Maybe we should be satisfied with what we have, and what we strive to be.


This is such simply, yet helpful advice, Ruth. Especially after reading the sad, and often depressing, posts here!

These two posts are what touched me though, for they are so very true. For they give me pause to consider, that the life I have is also one to long for, one to love. They also made me realise that my own experience on the 'first training bra day' was so very special, and its in own different way not only a privilege to have experienced, but also that having had it is one very unique (and joyous) part of a life that was made worth living because of it, for I got to experience something that few boys ever do.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn